Hope for the Young Widower

Welcome to Hope in the Morning. Turning tragedies and tears into testimonies of hope.

Apart from God, there is no hope. But with this God, there is a hope that quiets the soul. A hope that He is there with us no matter what trials or tribulations or persecutions befall us in this life. This is not our home. Our home is with Him. We seek that kingdom. We seek that King. I do not think you ever get over losing somebody that you love deeply. It just becomes a part of who you are.

Sometimes all you can do is fix your eyes on Jesus. Joining us today is Chuck Kirchner, father of two boys and the widower of his beautiful wife, Jessica. Good morning. Thank you for joining us today.

Glad to be here. Would you be able to tell us a little bit about your sweet wife? What to say. So, we first met right after college. We had gone on a mission trip to Haiti together, and that's where we first got engaged, was down there on the mission trip down in Haiti. And we were married 16 years, have two boys, and yeah, she passed away in 2018 of breast cancer. It was her second time having it. Her first time having it was when she was 20, and she went through the surgeries and treatment and stuff and was in remission for, you know, several years, 11 years, I think it was.

And then when it came back, it came back metastatic, and there's no cure for metastatic breast cancer. But we were blessed to have an additional seven years where she was able to homeschool and, you know, we had a very, very blessed seven years for sure. So how did you guys meet? One of the guys I played rugby with knew her, and I was an older guy being, I think, 25 at the time, and they were all 20.

And he said, you got to come meet this really old guy I play rugby with because she was looking for a job in the science field, and I was at the time working as a chemist in a laboratory. So she came out to see one of the games, and we just hit it off and dated shortly thereafter, and about a year later, she started working with us. What were some of the things that drew you to Jessica in the beginning? In the beginning, definitely, you know, she was very sweet, very kind. We got along very well, and then I remember when I first thought about proposing to her, we were definitely on the mission field. And, you know, I had grown up Roman Catholic and had started going back to Catholic Church, but as we were going on this mission trip, it was with a non-denominational church, a peace church down in High Point. And that was the first time I started hearing the Bible explained and started making a lot of things make sense, and so we started attending that church. And when we were down in Haiti on the mission trip, you know, there was definitely lots of reasons to complain down there, you know, just no electricity and very dirty and a lot of hard work. And she didn't complain, you know, she just put her nose to it, and, you know, we were building a stone wall up on this hill, so you had to carry these rocks, you know, up 15, 20 feet in mixed concrete.

And then we were building a church while we were there, too, so laying foundation and putting in the support pillars and stuff like that. And, you know, she just, she was a trooper through all that, she didn't complain at all, and, you know, it was really a blessing to see her, you know, in a trial like that, but just her attitude through that. I remember at our church, she was there every workday, just one of the hardest, most joyful workers I've ever known and just a beautiful person inside and out. What are some things that you hope that your boys remember about her and how have you navigated grief with them? I hope they remember her love, her love for others and her hard work. They definitely have a lot of her characteristics as far as that goes.

They are teenage boys, so they have a propensity to want to sleep in and stuff, but when stuff needs to get done, they just put their nose to it and get it done. I hope that take that away from her and her kindness to others around her. They're very empathetic to others, I've noticed that, you know, and them dealing with others. So, now you're going through this long illness and clearly lots of people praying, probably, you know, all sorts of different kind of prayers and different situations. How did God come for you when it continued to be not heading in the right direction and you kind of saw what was on it, but there were so many prayers involved, you were like, where are you, God, or how did that feel? I think at that point, we were both mature enough in our faith to understand that, you know, God's going to be sovereign no matter what, and I was very thankful that our doctors were very honest with us very early on that, you know, there is no cure for this. We're going to try and make the best of it as long as we can, and initially, we had no idea if the medicine would work, so there was, didn't know if it was going to, you know, be a month before she passed away or if we were going to have a few years. So, that was a very stressful time initially, but after the first few months, we started realizing, okay, you know, this is, medicine is working, so, you know, we have a little bit of time here and that little bit of time wound up being seven years. There's definitely a blessing in counting your days, knowing that, you know, all of our days are numbered, but when that becomes a reality, you know, you definitely take each day as such a blessing, and that's how it was for us, you know. Regardless of what the prayers were, we knew that we were in God's hands, and if he wanted to heal her, even now, if he wanted to heal her and bring her back, it's within his sovereignty, you know, but we know that he works all the things together for the good of those who are called, you know, by him.

So, we just rested in him and in his sovereign will, and, you know, when it was time, you know, not that it makes it any easier, the process, but there is a comfort in knowing where you're going. What were some of the special memories that you guys did after you got that second diagnosis and you knew that time might be limited? How did you choose to spend that time? Well, definitely homeschooling was a big thing, you know, she was able to stop working and go on disability and able to, you know, homeschool up until about six months before she passed away, so we were able to spend a lot of quality time that way. Anytime we took vacations, we were able to, you know, I could take Monday and Tuesday off of work, and so we could go Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to any of the resort places, and they'd all be empty and have good deals, and so that was always kind of nice. And then one thing we did, I was able to take several weeks off of work, they have a shared leave program with my work, and I was able to get donated a bunch of leave time, and we bought a $5,000 RV, a little Sanford and Sons special, and we did a five-week trip around the country. We took the dog with us and the kids and went down, you know, the East Coast, went to Disneyland and up around the Gulf Coast and made our way all the way out to White Sands, New Mexico, and made our way back, and it was a lot of fun. How old were your boys when Jessica passed away? So 2018, they would have been 11 and nine, eight or nine.

Okay. And what did that look like for you as a dad, navigating your own grief while walking them through theirs? Yeah, there wasn't a whole lot of time to sit and mope about because meals needed to be made and laundry needed to be done and house needed to be repaired and cars needed to be fixed, and so there was definitely, we took a few weeks off and had our morning time. Some of it, just because you know it's coming, I guess in some way that was kind of a blessing too because you're almost able to prepare, and we were able to have a lot of conversations together about, you know, me getting married again with the boys and, you know, what's happening. We were able to talk to them early on, you know, especially as they got older and they were able to understand more, you know, when she first got diagnosed, I remember going to my older son who was only three at the time, I think, and being like, you know, Mommy's really sick, and he was like, is she going to heaven? And I was just like, oh, you know, but he didn't really grasp what all that meant then, but by the time, you know, it was time for her to go, they understood what was happening and they've just kind of rolled with it and we've had some good conversations, but it's just, you know, one day at a time. Was there a piece of scripture or hymn or something along those lines that the boys grasped or you felt like they did or that was a promise they could hold on to?

I don't know so much about the boys, the particular ones that they've grabbed on to. I know Psalm 34 and the likes of that of, you know, God is close to the morning and I've always cling to Job 38 and 39 where, you know, after God does all this to Job and, you know, he's lost his wife, his family, or not his wife, but his children, his family, his servants, you know, all his wealth and everything. And then, you know, I think if I was God and then I came to Job, I would, you know, be like, you know, sorry, you know, this is all part of my plan, you know, and kind of console him. But, you know, Job is like, or the Lord is, you know, like, you know, who is this that darkens counsel without wisdom and then goes on this, you know, two chapter thing of, you know, were you there when I've laid the foundations of the earth and really set in place who God is and who he is, you know. And it's such kind of a comfort to know that in my darkened counsel that God is sovereign, that he knows, you know, what's best, that he is a good God, that he is a loving God, that he is there and he is firmly in control and he knows way more than I do and I'm very thankful for that. Yeah. Did you find that the church was a steady comfort to you during that time?

Yes, very much so. I've been very thankful to be part of Twin City Bible Church and just I've always felt well shepherded there and the clinging to scripture and all they do has been such a comfort over the years, you know, even before she passed away, you know, the people that reached out and just the hands on bringing meals and helping out with, you know, whatever needed help with. And then the fellowship afterwards has always been, you know, a very big part of our lives. Well, when we come back, we're going to talk a little bit with Chuck about what he found most helpful, what ministered to him the most and maybe a few things that you should not say to somebody in a situation similar to this. So, come back to Hope in the Morning in just a moment. Hope in the Morning is a listener sponsored program that encourages the weary, equips those who walk beside them and evangelizes the lost. If you want to partner with this ministry, visit HopeInTheMorning.org and may you be filled with hope as you continue this episode of Hope in the Morning. Have you ever walked through the deep suffering of a friend and been at a loss for what to say? How can you comfort someone when they've just lost a loved one or been diagnosed with cancer? Join us on Hope in the Morning to hear testimonies of people who've gone through life's hardest trials and share what you can do to serve others in similar circumstances.

To learn more, visit us at HopeInTheMorning.org. My darling beloved, what joy you have brought throughout these many years. You were my most treasured gift, my truest of friends in the laughter in my tears.

You radiated beauty that came from within as a reflection of the love you carried for him. The Lord Jesus Christ was your anchor and hope. He gave you such courage and strength to cope with the trials he deemed good for you, love, and your faithfulness throughout was a grace from above. More precious than rubies and the finest of gold was your love to me and your hand to hold. We walked hand in hand through joy and through fire and when things were the hardest our praise rose still higher. For we know the one who knows all things and can trust him throughout the trials he brings. His grace is sufficient and his promise is true and so I rejoice knowing I'll be together with you. Where there is no sorrow, no tears, and no pain and we will worship our savior together again. My radiant wife now crowned with jewels walking with Jesus beside crystal pools. I'll love you and miss you until I see you in glory and I'll cry tears of joy as I tell our love story. Joining us still is Chuck Kirchner who is sharing with us his story of his beautiful wife, Jessica.

And would you just share with us a little bit of what was most helpful to you during those times? Before you do that, if you don't mind, I've got to know where'd that poem come from. So that came from Hope in the Morning and you can actually find Chuck's full story in Hope in the Morning along with 20 other stories. And that is the poem that I actually wrote for you after she passed away. You wrote the poem? I wrote the poem, yeah.

And so that comes after his story in the book in honor of Jessica. Wow. Yeah, I thought that was way more eloquent than me. I was like, did I write that? That's an awesome poem.

That is an awesome poem. So what did you find was most helpful to you? Like what ministered to you the most?

Definitely people being there. The elders came and visited and pastors quite often and that was always very nice. A couple of our elders are doctors too so they were able to kind of help explain above and beyond kind of what was going on with their body and stuff like that. And that was a blessing to us. Our old pastor, just out of the kindness of his heart, he sent me $100 a month for about two years. Which, you know, hindsight, $2400, you know, not a huge amount of money, but it was just such a way to say, hey, we love you, we're thinking about you. And them sending it every month was almost like a reminder, like, you know, we're there with you and walking with you through that. And so that was a really sweet thing for them to do. Other than that, I had a couple really good friends. One goes to our church, one goes to another church, but they were always there. You know, we still do annual fishing trip together and they were always, you know, no matter what I needed or anything, they were always there.

And it's always been a blessing to have them around as well through all that. What would you say are some things that should not be said? What were things that were not helpful? I remember hearing one time, you know, my wife has metastatic breast cancer.

Oh, I know so and so that died from that, you know, and even though you know what the diagnosis is, that's not necessarily something you long to hear. I don't remember too much other than stuff like that, you know, but just being empathetic with where the person is that, you know, asking how they're feeling or anything that you can do for them. It's hard to ask for help. I guess when you're in that space, it takes a humility to accept help. But it was such a blessing to allow others to come in and to bring meals. And we had a church come in one time and, you know, they helped. They said just when she first got diagnosed, the church we were at said, you know, just put all this together, a wish list of everything you want done at the house, you know. And so we put together a list and they actually came in and put a new roof on and did a whole bunch of work around the yard and around the house, just fixing odds and ends.

You know, I mean, any little screw loose, you know, you could walk around and just kind of put that on there. And, you know, it was I think it was a joy for the church to be able to come in and help like that. And that was that was a big blessing for us. There was a little girl at the church too that did a fundraiser and she wound up raising, I want to say it was like thirteen thousand four hundred dollars the first time she got sick. And she was middle. I don't even know if she was in middle school at the time. She might have been in elementary at the time, but it was just such a sweet thing, you know, for her to gather some of the kids at school and have this big fundraiser thing.

You know, that really helped with some of the initial expenses. Yeah. Was it a little girl that was at one of your boys schools at that time?

No, she was just one of the girls went to school with. OK. I mean, went to church with.

OK. So I had a friend recently saying I loved this is that as believers, we are always either in a season of suffering or serving. And so how has your suffering led to you having a greater desire to serve others? I definitely feel more empathetic for others that are suffering, having gone through through that and understanding, you know, where they're at in certain places, especially when they're doing treatment and stuff like that. I definitely have a big heart to try and serve others. I think that's where most of my joy comes from is when I can help others. Yeah.

Very much like Jessica. Yeah. So in Second Corinthians one, right, it talks about the God of all comfort, comforts us that we could comfort others with the comfort we were comforted with. And so were there things that you saw people do while you were going through that? Obviously, as you have friends and stuff that you said, oh, oh, this really was helpful.

I'm going to do that. If you had that experience. Definitely being there for others had a friend that recently lost his wife. And, you know, being able to be there as much as I could, understanding where they're going, what they're going through and trying to be there for them as best I can. It's definitely not an easy thing, I don't think, you know, wherever you are in life having to face that time. And I know even as Jess got close, you know, there's always this last minute, you know, did I pray enough?

Did I read enough? You know, am I really on the right path? But, you know, you always got to take a step back from that and, you know, realize it's not our efforts that get us there. It's, you know, Christ who did the work, you know, and it's our faith and rest in Him that brings us to glory. And, you know, so just trying to always point to Him no matter what we're going through and always trying to give Him glory. And no matter what the suffering is, I think, you know, the one thing in life that is always constant is Christ.

And so always looking to Him no matter what the circumstances, you know, it's good to take our vision off the horizontal and put it on the vertical. You know, I had a good friend that lost his daughter and he told me, I didn't know him at the time it had happened, but it was the impact it made on when you talked about how it was just nice to have people be there. And he said, you know, Robbie, I can remember every, he actually said, I can't remember a single person that was at her funeral, but I can remember everybody that wasn't. And I wonder, were there people that you would have thought you could, I mean, did that have an impact on that situation? Were there people that didn't show up?

You kind of thought, well, what happened? There were people that didn't make it. It being in May and traveling and stuff like that, I never, you know, I know people got lives and, you know, whether they could make it or not, you know, I know their hearts were there. And some people just, you know, my older son, he just does not like to go to funerals, you know, and especially since mom's funeral, you know, and so I think in some ways that's hard for some people and, you know, I know it's harder for him.

So I try and have empathy there too, that never, I never really dwelled on that. There was a large turnout for her funeral, very large turnout. It surprised me how many people showed up. It was really sweet to see how many people showed up.

And the most important thing was that the gospel was presented. And, you know, and it was very clearly, I was very thankful for Carrie's presentation, Carrie Hardy's presentation through that. Yeah, it was a beautiful service.

I had the honor of singing at your wife's service and it was just such a joy. And a big part of that is because Jessica really did radiate joy and she radiated a selflessness that I think is a rare and lovely quality. And even when she was in pain and, you know, she was at the end, she was very selfless. It was like up until the moment when she physically could not serve, she was serving. She was there every workday. She was worshiping the Lord and you would see her there on Sunday. And she, you know, here she looked frail, but she loved the Lord.

And you could totally tell in her worship and just what a privilege it was for those of us that got to know her. And we so appreciate you sharing your story. And, you know, one of the things I want to close with real quick is the fact that I think a lot of men have this persona of feeling like being vulnerable and grieving is a weakness. What would you say in our last minute here?

What would you say to that? One moment at a time. You know, definitely the emotions they especially the first few years we just hit at random times. You know, it could be a couple of years later and all of a sudden somebody asked me a question and, you know, just bring up all these emotions. Nothing to be ashamed of.

You know, they just are what they are. And I think I think the deeper you love, the more it's going to hurt, you know, so I don't think there's any weakness in showing emotion. You know, I can say as a veteran of war that it's OK to have emotions. I love what you just said that the deeper you love, the more it's going to hurt. I think that's that's very poetic. And especially think about the cross, you know, how deep he loved.

Yeah. And that love never goes away. So there's an element of grief that's there because there's an element of love that will be there forever. And if you're interested in reading the rest of Chuck's story and knowing how you can minister to other people who lose their spouses, I invite you to check out Hope in the Morning and you can read his full story and his full testimony there. I hope this has been a blessing to you today and that you find hope in your morning. Thank you for having us. Thank you very much, Chuck. Thank you.

I appreciate you. Hope in the Morning is a nonprofit ministry that seeks to encourage the hurting, equip those who walk beside them and evangelize the lost with the hope of Jesus Christ. To partner with our ministry or to make a donation in your loved one's honor, please visit HopeInTheMorning.org. Your donation helps keep these stories of hope on the air and helps tangibly meet the needs of the hurting.