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Self Imposed Guilt-Driven Duties

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger
The Truth Network Radio
May 12, 2021 3:30 am

Self Imposed Guilt-Driven Duties

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger

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May 12, 2021 3:30 am

We hammer this issue regularly, because caregivers repeatedly find themselves struggling with guilt. 

This usually occurs due to the “Caregiver FOG” (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). In the disorienting caregiver FOG, caregivers mistakenly feel guilty for even thinking of their own needs.  In addition, they easily lose themselves and their identity in the drama and chaos of their loved ones. When that happens, enabling often takes over.

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This is Michael Carbone with the Truth Network were partnering with Bible league international on open the floodgates Bibles for Africa in many parts of countries like Kenya, Ghana, Tanzania and Mozambique as many as 9/10 Christians are denied God's word by corrupt governments majority religions in poverty and remoteness five dollars and the Bible. $100 since $2500 sends 100 call 800 yes word that's 800-937-9673 thank you for caring.

Rosenberg desires this is going on with service and will maybe you're the one that's doing laundry, cleaning up, paying bills, getting up early in the morning calling insurance companies, doctors offices, pharmaceutical companies back and forth all these places go to the grocery store, preparing meals, clean the house helping the level get a shower there's all kinds of things involved being a family caregiver may be that you and if you are the we are glad that you with this. This is the show for you to equip you with things that I've learned over a lifetime of this will be my 35th year and counting, and I've learned a few things the hard way to help you stay strong and healthy as you care for someone who is not, and if you want to be a part of the show 877-655-6755 877-655-6755 it's Mother's Day as were doing the show and I'm reminded of a woman who called the show, share feelings, we were talking about the topic of guilt and she let off with. I'm an only child and I took care of my father who passed away recently.

Now I care for my mother with Alzheimer's and I feel guilty if I can't see my mother every day at center make it over there feel guilt really here to voice and I asked her said is she safe. Yes she replied she warm clean, well fed, yes, she recognized sometimes. She answered sadly she recognize the passing of time. Not really. If possible, what would she say to you right now sniffling a bit. She whispered she would tell me the she loved to live my life and be successful is it what you've done all you can to honor both your mother and father in care for them visiting every day is a self-imposed requirement. You're doing the best you can buy your own statement they would approve and release you of your guilt. Letting go of the guilt and mourning the loss but also asked her bask in the love that your family shared and the the guilt that she was torturing herself with was that she can show up every single day out of some sense of imposed duty upon herself and I realize that she's really done everything she can to make sure sure her mom is okay at her mom was safe and her mom is taken will care well taken care of. This is before the Cove nowadays with Kober. They don't let you into a lot of facilities that compounds the guilt if you've done all that you can do to make sure your love. What is safe and cared for properly. You know whether you had to hire people to do it over with you do-it-yourself that's all you can do the best you can do is the best you can do let go of the guilt and instead bask in that love that your family shared in knowing that you have done.

Indeed, your best when that is today's monologue guilt is a terrible taskmaster to assist caregivers and one of the things we deal with a lot of the show is to help fellow caregivers let go of those things and learn to live a calm or healthier in even more joyful life. While serving as a family cared by speaking of more joyful life. Here's a man who is so awesome he served as the inspiration for the prime directive. He is John Butler. The count of my well that is high praise and wonderful jingle with high conduit will like you know it was Cinco de Mayo was this week especially was it was yes. Did you have something to that was Cinco de Mayo.

Ask I did have a margarita that would have made elk tacos I let it cook all day long in the crockpot in it was quite delicious, so I'm sure I had no complaints with with LC you you how deep do you have to is it is like real tough beach. I mean I guess you don't like venison know it's it's not real tough and in its it doesn't have a lot of fat. Okay so that's the thing about.

That's the good news most games is not in this lot more leaner than corn fed or grass fed beef, but it's 1/2.

It is is delicious and we had a fine meal and I I cook a lot ilk appear. We got a freezer full of it of my brother-in-law got one last year during hunting season. He left a bunch of it up here.

He said and let you guys eat this. Nobody else delete it so you like okay yeah I think elk tacos elk spaghetti elk chili elk stroganoff sub deleting a lot ilk, but here so yeah you you get one of them and you're like set for you and that's the whole point is you not buying beef every week at the grocery store I what do you call. Given the same topic of Leslie music about what do you call a really awesome dessert John O what to call a really awesome dessert cheesecake lawn test. Now you know how I feel. Would you spelled the dead, you know you know what your parents favorite instrument.

Instrument is no. It is believed the list okay well I was try to be with a theme here with think it's a good and also before we get back I will get back in the monologue and talk to some things on this, but I also will want to acknowledge a milestone for this week will be our eighth year completed together eight years what you now remember, remember when we first started back in May 2013. I mean I really try not but if it was that was that there was no our first foray together in radio and I've been on the air about eight months prior to that, and then connected it with you and it was just you been every bit of tremendous teachers through this mentor you know why I came convinced and in understanding the message of what I wanted to do and why wanted to do it but to be able to do this in this medium. You have been a tremendous help. So thank you for that and happy eight year anniversary to our show. Back at ship. Thank you Peter. I let's go back to this opening topic of guilt and ask I want to throw out a a a sentence to you and I like to hear your thoughts on this and it is it is directly related to what we talked about when pragmatism collides with an emotional promise that this is always in the context of the caregivers, not a covenant relationship and marriage emotional promise, and Peggy visited his ration with the caregiver, because a lot of people and I'm finding this over and over heard this even last night there making deathbed promises to a level and that they're going to do such and such for the surviving members and pragmatically, that is just not feasible at times, it sometimes it can be done but for the most part, it cannot be at least away its invasion in their doing this for four promise that was made, 10, 15, 20, 34 years ago when all of a sudden there there berating themselves without mercy to live up to the promise they made what are your thoughts on well those promises are all around the it's it's it's for I want I want, but what I want to do is I want to give the the the emotion and the the event that spawned this the the appropriate amount of of reference that it deserves. You know, making eight making a promise to somebody one. There there days or hours or minutes away from from death is is sometimes a very good thing. And you know if it's something like I will have spaghetti dinner at least once a month or something like that's fine obviously not that sort of thing. There's a lot of stuff that happens between the time if you like, 10, 20 years ago, especially there's a lot of things that happen that that the loved one to the promise was made is not available to witness to now to see all that and I just yeah I know I need more of an example.

I guess to be to speak will take your case yeah go at this. This woman, not the will most refer to the model of the. The. The this other heard this even as last night made a promise to her mother that she would take care of her brother and but the brother situation has deteriorated significantly to the point where it's crippling this woman yeah and she's like knuckling it all the way through it.

That is, that is really rotten and what I would but I would say in situations like that, while the there is a there's always all those clauses that are unspoken. When you're making a promise like that to remake you. You say I will take care of my brother to the best of my ability or as long as as long as possible because you know if we cannot save everyone. We are physically unable unable to do so. That's like saying well I'm in a go out and the make to be the first person on Mars. Somehow I got I got speaking there is a there's a there's a limited amount of of ability that we have there and everybody knows that when they see speak in the moment to themselves or others, and that that guilt can be difficult to get over and soccer happen immediately, but I would I would try to know we talk about forgiveness and forgiveness being taking your hands off somebody else's throat. Well, we need to forgive ourselves a lot to and that's what guilt is and be able to rethink that grace yeah and in this particular case is moment that this was all self-imposed. There is there's nobody forcing this. Why but but the situation the landscape changes into people in that decision to like. She sat on the figure my brother while the brother might not want to be taken care of. Or so or his needs exceed her abilities correct and and and when that happens, what, what does that look like and and so what what I hope of the show that were able to do is have a meaningful dialogue and discourse about this so that we can at least put it out and give it some air. The conversation somewhere because a lot of these conversations are are are kept in the in the exclusive world of internal conversations you know when you're late at night and laying in bed and you have this replaying these tapes over and over and over and over and over this, but I gotta do this but I gotta do this.

What I said is that I do sing Lonesome Dove. I do not know there's a site loves those were my favorite wishes and captain call into Gustus McCurry, played by Tommy Lee Jones and Robert and their both longtime friends Texas Rangers and I won't give anything away. Yes, it will, there's this is Euler so if you haven't watched it and you think you going to just deal with it. That's what but towards the end of the movie Rob DeVos character Gustus McRae gets injured isn't losing a leg, but not before poison sets in and he's got it you ready to lose both of his legs and arms but he wouldn't let them. If you take the other leg and the poisons taken over and he's going to die.

It's inevitable.

These are lifelong friends and he looks at Tommy Lee Jones character Capt. Cole whose stubborn and hardheaded massive hand.

He said I will give you one last gift and he wants him to take his body back there in Montana. They drove Catalano in Montana swell like this is about your Montana and he said I want you to excuse me, take my body back to this place near San Antonio. This little pecan orchard which was special to them and he said I want you to bury it. There is 2000 miles W Joe's agrees to do this. He takes back there any eggs but dramatically speed up the bloodied and everything else, but he finally buries his buddy since oil are your I guess they'll teach me to be more careful. What I promise next time you think that speaks to me she has for character, for you know is there your heart. Guess that'll teach me be more careful. So I save my fellow caregivers. Let's put it in context of what's really going on. The landscape does change were to talk about this more. This is hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberg So for a family care.

Caregivers make better. Verse come back and help you with this will be right. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you. I'm Gracie Rosenberger, 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading 80 surgeries in both legs and became I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me. But over time the questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis. We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help of inmates in Tennessee prison. We also recycle parts from donated lambs. All of this is to point others to Christ. The source and my help and strength, please visit standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others standing without.com. I'm Gracie. I am staining with help and hope concept of the caregiver versus caregiving were not here to really get into the nuances of caregiving will swerve into it periodically but it's not high on her list of things because those are one and done issues.

For example, giving injection, changing the dressing fighting with an insurance company, learning to deal with doctors, all those things can be learned and you got it and you're off to the races you got it you know what you do but with the heart issues of the family caregiver those things require repeating over and over and over. I have caregiver amnesia how to do this for 35 years if I have caregiver amnesia. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only, and these are things that that that I need to be reminded of and I found that my fellow caregivers need to remind of it. We get disoriented this but whenever my book over the caregiver. I didn't realize quite how, by the way, always available wherever books are sold. Thank you in the audiobook.

It's on Amazon through audible. It's wherever books are sold. You can get this book. But what I can keep up with the signature. What is the, the publisher, civil, what would you say to caregivers what he what he will say that as I is I wrote this I was thinking about what was asked what I say to myself the younger version of myself and I came up with this concept called the fog of caregivers is a thought one caregiver struggle with the most and I and I landed on the place we struggle with fear, struggle with obligation struggle with guilt. The fog of caregivers and evidently that really resonated because it's caught on and in people have responded this across the country I with that concept because it it it bears out truth at any given point is sometimes you do with all three the same time. Sometimes you can just it with a couple of them. But if you're going to deal with this and like this. This woman felt obligated to go to the nursing home that we talked about in a block. She also felt guilty she could get there this other woman felt obligated to take care of her brother. She got guilty she didn't do what she said she was going to her mother.

All these kind things happen and then all of us know the fear of it. Okay what about this house is what you what what what what what what what would you do it so I wanted to spend a little bit more time with hinted about the out here with just that concept of being disoriented. But John, you are certainly no stranger to driving that is right for you when you approach a fog. What does the National Weather Service and all the driver annuals state for you to do all they say are turn your high beams and accelerate away not to do that one time itself, grant one time yes absolutely. Now they have take your foot off the gas and what you do but you lights you keep them keep it low-key pure young young, sprites all reflect right back in your face. You can see absolutely nothing but were straining to see far ahead. We can't, we have to we have to be content with seeing just in front of us and we have to go slow enough to be able to deal with now that to me is the journey of a caregiver, whether we like it or not.

The only safe way to navigate this thing is to slow down enough without try to project too far into the future. John Rivera don't have you ever try to predict far into the future.

Oh yeah, I think everybody started to get a little bit too much for me. That's what we do when we were kids we we think about what would life be like where we were growing up, my daughters going through this right now and she's getting way out ahead of herself, and you know it it it it's it's pretty easy to target axis small things it's it's that the problems of an adolescent at this point, which you know I've I've been there for questions call down to submit, but I want to mention something you said we have to be content with just being able to see what's in front of us and I think that some people might argue without by I would.

I would definitely come down on them. The PID that yes we do. It's it's incumbent upon us to be content, sometimes it's an interesting word to choose for that is not to be able to stress our way into a better existence tried to yeah you know it it's it it it doesn't mean you don't plan for the future doesn't mean you don't make arrangements in planning and so forth. But you don't live in it. Now again and this is where this is where I I am today and out at all sure why these principles are really that close and personal to me today.

Right now Gracie is dealing with a significant medical decision point her back is is just trash. She's an orthopedic treatment and there are some repairs that need to be done to her bag, but in order to do it. It's a very very big search search never back is it in and she's no stranger back surgeries, but this would be the biggest surgery she's ever had. And that's saying something because she's she's had quite a few 80 to be exact will know that's exactly why but when she's had quite a few so we met with the neurosurgeon this week and so forth and about grace or have a conversation, you know, and she started similar but since is a suburban stop right here were going to take this in five stages. Stage one is 10 you do the surgery and the surgery done to you.

Are you able survive this should you do the surgery will you do the surgery. When would you do the surgery and where were you do the surgery those the five in that order going to answer and work on it were still at the can we yeah and and so I'm not going to borrow the pain of when and where, because were still at the can and we had to get to should you and this is the lesson I've had to learn painfully painfully had to learn this lesson repeatedly and I don't want to mess it up this time around I want to learn how to just enjoy the day. Enjoy the moment and deal with today as best as I possibly can because if I allow myself to live out and all these disasters that I can concoct in my mind and I believe me, I can concoct Hindenburg level disasters. You know that I will just be 8H train wreck be a miserable person and I read a quote from how I can members of the still desiderata down you would've you would've liked to know this was said. I've had many terrible things in my life. Most of them never happened and I'm really really wrestling with that because I thought this is where we as caregivers live is in this horrific place of carnage that hasn't even happened and I don't want to go there. I'd like for us to learn to just be today. And like you said to be content in this moment and that's that's that's the only way to do that is to slow down and turn off the high beams slow down internal public quit trying to see further than this fog is going to allow you to see and look at where you are and slow down enough to react to it. That said, those are my thoughts on the subject wouldn't talk about this the more we come back. This is Peter Rosenberg and this is hopefully caregiver with John Butler the count of muddy disco tall Google way will be right back pay dispute. Rosenberg ever helped somebody walk for the first time I've had that privilege many times through our organization. Standing with hope when my wife Gracie gave up both of her legs follow this horrible Rick that she had as a teenager and she try to save them for years and if it just wouldn't work out. And finally she relinquished them and thought wow this is that I'm not happy legs anymore. What can God do with that and then she had this vision for using prosthetic limbs as a means of sharing the gospel to put legs on her fellow amputees and that's what we been doing now since 2005 was standing with hope. We work in the West African country of Ghana and you can be a part of that through supplies through supporting team members through supporting the work that we're doing over there. You could designate a limb. There's all kinds of ways that you can be a part of giving the gift that keeps on walking and standing with hope.com would you take a moment ago understanding with hope.com and see how you can give they go walking and leaping and praising God.

You could be a part of that@standingwithhope.com as a caregiver. Think about all the legal documents you need power of attorney will, living wills, and so many more than about such things as disputes about medical bills. What if instead of shelling out hefty fees for a few days of legal help paid a monthly membership and Ghana law firm for life. Well, we're taking legal representation and making some revisions in the form of accessible, affordable, full-service coverage. Finally, you can live life know you have a lawyer in your back pocket who at the same time is an empty it's called legal shield and its practical, affordable and a must for the family caregiver visit caregiver legal.com that's caregiver legal.com. Isn't it about time someone started advocating for you www.dotcaregiverlegal.com on independent associate you text that will give will send you a copy of Gracie CD and I think you'll find it very meaningful. John Alana, I want to address something that we been talk about throughout the show. In particular, the opening monologue all the way through his guilt and that fog of caregiving and out. I want to put it in context of things going on right now heard the story this week, police officers were called out.

This is somebody we know and they have a son who has significant mental issues going on is been diagnosed was several mental illness issues.

He does live alone, but there are some restraints there and so forth. But he got out of hand and you been seeing in the news a lot where they shoot you and have more training my dad about about it at an editor and and I get that that's that's that's an important conversation. 1/2 is not on the show but I do want to address one specific issue because there's a recent survey showing a Lotta call from police going to the middle.

You will not talk to for the monies retired Seattle police officer in a talk about this a lot and he thought what I'm about to offer had some real value. It was so simple and yet it's it's it's right there. There is all about us is so obvious with the obvious becomes obvious right before becomes obvious and you know you can do a training program that had to have a curriculum to do this so I got a very specific training thing I would like to offer in this and for any law enforcement officers are listening. This may or may not be helpful but I think it will be it. It's with all these repeated calls to homes of the mentally impaired or maybe it's alcohol addict impaired so forth cops to put in positions where they got to be more than just police officers having to be all kinds of things and in and so forth it. It's it is overwhelming to already overwhelmed group of people but there's always one participant at the call or the aftermath of this event that seems to be largely ignored and that's the family caregiver there somewhere around there. They may not be up close, but there somewhere around there. And the thing that comes to mind is the case of Nicholas cruised at a Broward County in Florida though shares came out to the house 39 times they knew this kid in between 2010 in 2017 zero 39 times and then after his no course. He was the mother that set up Stoneman high school. Some of that was high school and is the question I had asked is whose make the phone calls and from everything that we can see most of those calls originated from his mother. She was his adoptive mother and they kept coming to the home three months after she died in November. He unleashes all this hell on the school and everybody knew that he had a problem but did they recognize that maybe she had a problem to it or not, this early mental impairment, but maybe living in that kind of relation with somebody who is this out-of-control was really taking her down a dark path and was she able to emotionally or mentally see her way through this to see how she can provide leadership and help to this young man was she completely overwhelmed. Was she getting help outside counsel for for herself. I don't know we don't have that information, but I do know that in the aftermath. This cost absolutely no money.

Nothing but in the aftermath of a call to the home where there is a mental impairment things to settle down. If they say these two sentences to that caregiver. This seems to be taking a real toll on you.

Please give some serious thought to getting counseling and help for yourself regardless of what happens with your left just those two sentences. They don't have to take it that they may not take the Council but at least give them a fighting chance of where safety is and recognize that they too have a a this thing is having a negative impact on them personally is not just trying to get your loved one to stop acting out. It's for you to be in a healthier place. No matter what they're doing because the healthier you are, the more counsel and guidance and leadership. You can show to this circumstance is going on with the loved one that that's just my initial foray into that John, what are your thoughts on that that sort of thing. Mike the argument are make sure you're getting help yourself and getting some counseling.

That's that there needs to be Melissa need to be. I would recommend no follow-up visits like that that is a and any other thing I would.

I know this is this is Mother's Day, but one thing we see with a lot about like there is this mother was there taking care of this deeply troubled young man and there I didn't thought I'd died.

I heard no mention of a father. All he had died some years before. Before that I will okay I thought he would. I thought I bye-bye my maybe mixing these up so nevermind so is going to adoptive parents. They adopted him and father had died sometime before this God child and the mother was was kind of on her own with this kid who was clearly spiraling out of control yeah and that is just yet week because she clearly could not handle this young girl in there was most of the calls that that I've talked to not talk to this cop about it and have it have seen this accounted a little bit of of independent research on this that there seems to be this overarching drive if we could just control this person's behavior. They're not acting out that I can be okay yeah and I don't subscribe to that. Now there's more going on merrily metal certainly help. If not, you know.

Yeah it's if they want if they want everyone in the situation been the situation will be different. Of course I your personal well-being cannot be attached to this person acting out yeah yeah they do or don't yet it and so if you're not physically healthy, emotionally healthy, you know, spiritually, financially, professionally, all these things going on you run the risk of their sickness taking you down with and and and so I just thinking with it if if police officers are being called the seems more and more not talk to the this police officers. It's yeah we keep getting caught a lot of times it's the same house were like okay what's the problem now and so I'm just saying in the aftermath when you doing to mop up unit with the report. Okay, here's what we did and then that that whoever's wringing their hands at the scene somebody's wringing their hands somewhere yeah and whoever's doing that just turn to them and say those two sentences. This seems to be taken a real toll on you.

Please give some serious thought to getting counseling and help for you no matter what happens with them and that that in itself would it cost nothing to say that there is no fiscal note attached to the yeah yeah it is very difficult to do because they are not the focus of this call, they're not the one that they made, they may be anything that you be funny to me made call, but they're not the reason that the call was made, they can play a huge part in providing leadership for this level and if they're not wringing their hands anymore and there is a strong and healthy place and there it abuts better situation to help this this love this trouble Loveland get to the help they need right and will mean less call for the place. I'm sure there I like that you continue possibly possibly enlist a healthier ally in addressing this growing problem. So my thoughts for today. We'll talk about that but we just open this up with another show, another stop because I think this is not to go away.

Talk about some more help the caregivers make better caregivers.

That's the principal dispute arose murder caregiver.com. This is John Butler and I produce hope for the caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie and recently Peter talk to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen Gracie.

When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach. Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by core civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and arms everything when you see all this. What do you make me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out course, being in the hospital so much and so long and so that these men are so glad that they get to be doing as as one man said something good family with my hands.

Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled now had no idea and I thought a peg leg. I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon lags and flex the sea legs and all that. I never thought about that as you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people. Now walk the providing the means for the supplies to get over there. What is it do to you. Just on the heart level. I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here Denise go to Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs. The core civic offers.

I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate at the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one are.

It is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't happen and I think that says so much that has anything to do with me just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well groomed. You've donated some of your own for the did it how to how they do that please go to standing with hope.com/recycle staining with hope.com/recycle backspace

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