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Grace for the Person But Boundaries for Dementia

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger
The Truth Network Radio
May 9, 2021 11:34 am

Grace for the Person But Boundaries for Dementia

Hope for the Caregiver / Peter Rosenberger

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May 9, 2021 11:34 am

A caller to the show struggled with a problem many are facing:  how to handle someone with dementia. In her case, it involved the family finances.

"My husband has Parkinson's and dementia but yesterday he spent $1,400 in the stock market. Should I just give him grace?" 

Our topic for this show was "grace." But sometimes, we misapply grace when boundaries would serve us (and our loved ones) better. 


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This is Michael Carbone with the Truth Network were partnering with Bible league international on open the floodgates Bibles for Africa in many parts of countries like Kenya, Ghana, Tanzania and Mozambique as many as 9/10 Christians are denied God's word by corrupt governments majority religions in poverty and remoteness five dollars and the Bible. $100 since $2500 sends 100 call 800 yes word that's 800-937-9673 thank you for caring about the hope this is the supreme that is my wife Gracie from a long time ago when I rewrote the music for today's musical tribute him wonderful grace of Jesus. And that's the course and I can't find the whole recording of a father's leak somewhere 888-589-8840 888-589-8840 if you knew that him if you know that him if it's important to you if you got a story about it that you like, or something you don't you know whatever your favorite hymn is and I'll try to play.

Sometimes if if I can recall in the but I wanted to introduce that him to the audience today to to you guested to take a listen to it that the text of it that was of course the course of it though. The second verse. I love this wonderful grace of Jesus reaching to all the lost by it. I have been pardoned, save to the uttermost chains have been torn asunder giving me liberty for the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me. What is important to us as a family caregiver, because if we understand this on a core level at our soul level is going to change everything in the way we give care to the ones were with even if it's an adversarial relationship, even if they are bitter demeanor or whatever it doesn't matter because there's something going on that is transforming us internally that allows us to extend the same grace that we ourselves have received.

Once we understand what it is that we have received, then we can better reflect that to others pulses and granting us comfort one another with the same comfort you yourself have received from the God of all comfort. Well, it's very difficult to comfort other folks with that same comfort. If we haven't received that comfort and it's there for us and on and so will talk about the third verse in a minute but I want to talk to Mary Mary, what were you calling from Colin from South Carolina South Carolina Les Renfro Mary, well we hear about something in common whereabouts of South Carolina are Columbia Columbia. What I would to Columbia Bible College many many many years ago for several years and I'm from the upstate of their and Anderson ever heard of Anderson. I have now been there. I sure would tell me what's going on with you this morning. Well my heart has Parkinson's with Parkinson's dementia, probably with fluid body and is making a rational decision yesterday. He paid $1450 for and got pregnant and now their stock program.

He already has several glands tobacco stocks and really not able to do that anymore and we're having terrific to hear because I don't think he should spend that money on that program and I don't know what to do.

As you said before you came on with me extend him grace and letting him do whatever he wants or should I try to controlling will grace does allow people to do it if they want that that's different, God extends his grace, but that is of me were allowed to do whatever he wasn't certain without consequences. And this is your money to get you this is yours and so know that this is not a situation where you are in any way obligated to allow him to flitter away if he had spent $1400 on lotto tickets. Would you what would you do, I wouldn't be happy about your will be what would you do this one thing to be unhappy about the what would you actually do had Artie talked to Cry, don't think there'd be anything academic. Well there is something you do moving forward moving forward. You have the option to to do what you can control the finances in a much different way so he has limited access to funds in fees by spending money in a way that you feel like is reckless, then you have the opportunity and really obligation to go in there in an put some structure in this is if you don't do it again so hard and so began. So how do you you can work with the bank. You can work with, you know, sit down, and moments of lucidity and say we need to have a some kind of checks and balances on the slick and and it's it's a painful conversation to have, but it it's Nice to have because I don't think it if he was in his right mind would he want to leave you without resources now and I think that's a question that's a questions worth asking when he says moments of lucidity, said look, are you comfortable leaving me without resources why leaving here the point that he hadn't got market and I'm sure he has is he is he comfortable with, though splitting away money and spending it reckless even if if he has it. If he has that much money that he can just go ahead and just spent recklessly. That's one thing but I don't know at all know that that's the case, but if you're unhappy about it. If you're concerned about in this is yours and you have ownership in this as well. That's a conversation needs to be head of preferably with someone else may be 1/3 party that could help you guys navigate through this and that is or somebody a financial advisor anything that he trust me and I can print correctly people that he would probably try yeah. Well, maybe it's time to bring some of those people in whether it's a financial advisor, pastor, child somebody some new adult child that you have or somebody that anybody that he trust is 1/3 party that you trust as well and say look, I just want the checks and balances on you. Obviously he's been very successful at this. In days past, he may still be successful in things again, but it's gonna be hit or miss when you're dealing with dementia and dementia is not necessarily a a you know it's the something is going to just get better with time. Is he driving there, why not Picasso.

If you can't can't drive. Why would you give him a checkbook and a credit card okay if you can't drive it if if you feel like his disease has progressed to the point where driving is a danger to himself and others. Why would you want to give him a checkbook or access to credit card checkbook that he can make decisions with sit with with serious consequences, and so that's a question that needs to be answered at with it would seem, and so I would bring in 1/3 party that you guys interested in having a legitimate you don't want it, you don't want to just all of a sudden make him completely dependent and he you you know you just can't be trusted with anything else he needs to have agency and things that he can do. But he also you know any good financial manager would tell you you want to have responsibility and checks and balances in this you know I would certainly recommend not getting somebody from Congress because clearly they don't understand that concept but you know anybody in the federal government is completely clueless on this. We need to take away their checkbooks but there.

But in this particular case I would recommend very very highly. I don't want to give advice, but it would make a lot of sense to have this conversation.

It will happen again.

Otherwise he will continue doing this, you'll forget about it you do it again and then you just stay in the state of oh my gosh she's a spending money recklessly and that and that's no way for you to to live not so and and back to your original question of should I just accident extend grace that's that's him that would be a misappropriation of grace. Okay, this is a man who is not in in his right mind at times. You know he has a disease that has an impairment in so grace in the context were dealing with is on the heart level with understanding in this particular case you can you can be gracious with him and kind with him and and and thoughtful and considerate of of who he is and what he's accomplished in his life but but you don't have to extend grace to dementia you extend grace to a person dementia you have to have boundaries with and you have to have structure so that they don't get hurt in and hurt others that there's a difference. Gracious basement to deal with on a soul level on us as were extending grace to each other as Christ extending grace to us but but but but impairment. It is a different thing and and so he's impaired that you can be gracious to them. You can already meet your husband, your loving and you respect what he's accomplished in his life and and that's extending grace to the man who we years, but you have to protect yourself and him from the dementia and in the dementia is the opponent, not him as if he was in his right mind, you'd be pretty much okay with his investments.

I would assume, is that correct never really held him back on anyway why he wanted to do that now. It's just different right so he's not he's not making the decisions that he used to make his dementia is affecting his decisions so that's that's the issue is dealing with the disease, not the person extend grace to the person but boundaries for the disease and in an and so that is to me that would sing the better course of action and to put boundaries of the disease ring and the third-party objective don't be the one that you're the one driving the ship cassettes can put you in a situation where he studied and resent you or whatever it is stuck in the center process.

But if you have a team meeting where he has agency in this and he's relinquishing some of these things in order to have you no protection. It's a seatbelt it's all this out seatbelt and I will I hope it helps.

Let me know.

Let me know but but do bring in 1/3 party, but but extend by the way, here's where the grace can be appropriated, extend the grace to yourself right now what you're dealing with is very hard.

Mary and extend that grace to yourself to realize you're going to flounder little bit in this networking to help put each other to sonogram okay that help her right extend grace to self remember the song of the rest the day just wonderful grace of Jesus gave that's that's a great thing to remember as we go through the date will be right. Hey this Peter Rosenberg is never helped somebody walk the first time I've had that privilege many times through our organization.

Standing with hope when my wife Gracie gave up both of her legs follow this horrible Rick that she had as a teenager and she try to save them for years and if it just wouldn't work out. And finally she relinquished him and thought wow this is that I'm not happy legs anymore. What can God do with that and then she had this vision for use in prosthetic limbs as a means of sharing the gospel to put legs on her fellow amputees and that's what we been doing now since 2005 was standing with hope.

We work in the West African country of Ghana and you can be a part of that through supplies through supporting team members through supporting the work that were doing over there, you can designate a limb. There's all kinds of ways that you can be a part of giving the gift that keeps on walking and standing with would you take a moment ago understanding with and see how you can give they go walking and leaping and praising God.

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