Callers Sharing Struggles With Resentment

Welcome back to the show For Caregivers About Caregivers hosted by a caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberger, bringing you three decades of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. We're glad you're with us.

Caregivers can live a calmer, healthier, and dare I say it, a more joyful life, even while dealing with harsh realities. We can do this. That is abundantly clear throughout Scripture. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

We can do this. He came to give us peace. Come unto me, all you are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. By the way, rest and sleep are two different things. Sleep is a state of body.

Rest is a state of your heart. Can you rest in this or are you so torqued up with resentment that it's killing you? Forgiveness, by the way, doesn't mean it doesn't matter. That's not what forgiveness means. It means we're going to take our hands off of somebody else's throat because when we're resentful, that's what we're doing and we're going to learn to live peacefully with this. It's not easy.

It's a lot of work, but it is possible and it is doable. We do not have to be at odds with where God has us right now. If you are, then you understand the agony of that.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. When you stop fighting with the Almighty about where He has you, because that's really who your fight is with, your heart can slow down and you realize that you can see beauty and joy and live more peacefully no matter what's going on around you. That's the promise that we have, but it's not going to come just because you squint your eyes real hard when you pray. It's going to come when you release this to God on a regular basis.

It is not a one and done. We are constantly coming back to this and there's nothing like suffering or watching someone suffering or caring for someone who is suffering to expose all this and to keep squeezing it out. That's what we're here to talk about today on this. I'm going to go to Beth in Virginia who's caring for her son with a mental disorder. Beth, how are you feeling? Hi. How are you feeling? How am I feeling? How am I feeling today? I'm feeling pretty good. All right, good. Tell me what's going on with you.

Well, I listen to this station a lot and I have never heard of this program. I was sitting there and I heard care for the care giver. We get that a lot, Beth. We get that a lot.

I was like, wow, that's me. Then I heard you talk about, are you caring for someone out of resentment or with resentment or tenderness of heart? I do both, but it is really easy to be resentful. I have been. I've been mad at God. I've hollered at God and then I asked forgiveness because I know, I mean, I've been a believer all my life.

I know that sickness doesn't come from God. I guess that statement, just resentment versus tenderness was huge for me. It really stopped me in my tracks. Let me be very clear, Beth.

This is not something I own. This is something I am aspiring to and I have to be reminded of this just like everyone else. The difference between this show and maybe a lot is I have not achieved some level of superstardom as a caregiver. Are you kidding me? I mean, if you could fail at it, I've failed at it and regularly do. If you need proof of that, just ask my wife.

She'll tell you. Here's what I'm learning through it. Here's where the path is. Here's where safety is for us as caregivers so when we get off it, but you know what? I have to be reminded of the gospel, Beth. I have to be reminded on a daily basis of how much God loves me and what the cross means in that regards.

If I have to be reminded of the gospel, how much more so do I have caregiver amnesia like I have gospel amnesia? That's what we're here to do on this show. You and me and everyone else that's listening is we're here to bang these ideas around and build each other up and remind each other where safety is. Safety is learning to let go of these painful things that are just burdening our hearts. They're crippling us. We can't even breathe sometimes.

I'm going to ask you a question. Feel free to disagree, but are there times when it just weighs on you so heavy you don't even feel like you can breathe? Well, I don't know about not breathing, but I'm pretty angry. I'm a very strong person, and I feel like I'm beat. I feel like I just can't keep going on with this, but I have to. I don't have a choice, and I will keep going on with it because I love my son.

But the point is that we don't have to white knuckle it because all that's going to do is tear our own hearts out. When I say I can't breathe, there are times when you just hang your head and you think, I don't know what to do. I'm over here just flummoxed, and it just weighs on me so heavy sometimes, and yet that's when Christ speaks with clarity into our situation.

Go back and look at the Word. Come unto me, all you who are weary and heavy laden. You ever feel weary and heavy laden, Beth?

Oh, yeah, definitely. And yet, he says come. But what does that mean? To a caregiver, what does that mean? When Christ says that to us, what does that mean? Come unto me, all you are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

So what does that look like in caregiver terms when you're taking care of a son with a mental disorder? And that's what we're here to do today, just sitting around in conversation about these topics. So if I say that scripture to you, when I say that to you, what does that speak to your heart, knowing what you're dealing with?

Well, that there's somebody there that cares, someone that is ready to help me, that there's an ever-present God and an ever-present help in our time of need. I tell myself that, and I know that's what we have to do. We just have to encourage ourselves daily with the Word. Do you remember that story? This is one of my favorite stories in scripture, and that story when David and his men were all fighting a battle, and they came back and the Amalekites had taken off all of their possessions, all of their families, their donkeys, their everything, livestock, everything. And David's own men picked up rocks and they were going to start to stone him. And David, it said, David encouraged himself in the Lord.

And right in the middle of that, the guys were going to stone him, his own men. And I thought, okay, that's the lesson for us as caregivers. We're not in danger of being stoned, but that's the lesson for us as caregivers is that in the midst of whatever, we can encourage ourselves in the Lord and we can be encouraged by others and we can encourage others in this. And that's what you and I are doing right now. We just happen to have a whole lot of people listening on radio, but that's what we're doing with each other. I mean, there are people driving in cars or trucks, they're sitting at their homes, they're at hospice, they're at the hospital, they're coming off of the shift. And all of a sudden they're tuning in just like you are to a show for caregivers and they're saying, they're hearing caregivers encouraging one another and saying, okay, we can do this. Somebody knows we're out there. Somebody knows, yes, we're struggling. I mean, I'm just blown away.

There was a show for caregivers. So I'm thankful for that. And I am. Well I am too. I'm thankful that I have a show that I can listen to and I can hear people calling in just like you and saying to me, hey, you know, here's where I am.

And all of a sudden I don't feel so alone with it. I want to give language to this. I want caregivers to know that we speak fluent caregiver here.

But guess what, Beth? I've learned to speak caregiver over 30 something years of this, but it's our savior's native tongue. That's who our savior is.

He didn't learn to speak caregiver. That's who he is. And he's been caring for us with all kinds of disorders, mostly the big disorder of all, which is sin. And in that comforting though, to know that we have a savior who is not unaware of what we deal with and has been caring for his wounded bride for eternity, which is us. We're the wounded bride of Christ.

We're messed up people and he knows this. Beth, I'm so glad you're part of this show and I want you to feel free to call in anytime you want. Okay.

It's an exclusive group, isn't it? It is. I'm going to be there. Well, I'm glad you're with us.

Thank you so much for calling and I really appreciate it. All right, let's go to Lynn in Arkansas. Lynn, are you with us? Yes, I am. I'm on my way driving. Good. I want to say hello to my husband right ahead of me.

He just called and said, be sure and tune in. Mark's talking your language. Well, I mean, Peter talking your language. That's all right. Peter, Mark, Fred, whatever you want to call me. It's all right.

I was thinking of Mark that we heard earlier this morning. I know you're Peter because we have your book and thank you. Well, thank you.

And I just want to thank you for. By the way, can I get you to turn your radio down? Sure. Okay. Well, tell me what's on your heart. Well, I've been very resentful. Also, we take care of my dad. Get ready to turn 100 February 11th. And but we have it easy compared to you, Peter.

We just go on the weekend. Yeah, but don't compare yourself to anybody. If you're going to compare yourself, here's the rule I use. Say, you know what?

If they found God to be faithful in their situation, then I'm willing to trust that he'll be faithful in mine, too. How about that? Is that a fair comparison? Right.

Yeah. Well, tell me why you feel so resentful. Because I feel like he's demanding and he won't come to live in hot springs with us. And when we get there, he has a lot to do and just wants to watch sports, but he's real bossy.

So he is a champ of a guy, though. He's, you know, 100 years old and he's with it financially. And he has caregivers during the week. And so we just come on the weekend. And I'm an RN. So I need to be there to do his meds and it's every weekend and he won't consent to coming home, spending a weekend with us in hot springs.

My mother died four years ago and my brother, my only brother died three years ago. So it's just my husband and I. Well, let me just go out on a limb here and say that at 100 years old, he's probably not going to change.

You know, I'm going to go ahead and just kind of spitball that one out there. He's not going to change. But you and your husband can change and you're not responsible to make him happy. You're responsible to do what the best that you can do with it. And the best you can do is the best you can do, Lynn. And the key is, you know, he's not going to budge probably much at all. However, you all have to make decisions on what is best for the unit, not what's just best for him. What's best for Lynn and the unit here, because if the unit goes down, then what happens to him? Right. I mean, is there a plan in case you and your husband, something happens with you guys?

He has nine grandchildren and I guess my daughter and my son, I mean, my brother's oldest son would step in. But no, we have not talked about that. And actually, one weekend on my way there, a John Deere tractor with a front end loader pulled right out in front of me and had a collision. Just God's mercy. Nothing.

I was not hurt. Well, we're all away from, we're all just like one phone call or one step away from something happening to us as caregivers. And if we don't have a plan for our loved ones and if we're spending all of our time trying to make our loved one happy, then we're missing kind of the point here.

The point is to make a sustainable and a viable unit as a family doing these kinds of things. And not everybody's going to get everything they want. And your dad is one of those kind of guys and he's going to just have to be grumpy. He's going to have to be whatever, but there's no need for you and your husband to put yourself into all kinds of turmoil just to appease him.

You can lay boundaries and say, okay, that's the way it's got to be. But if you're resentful for it the whole time, it doesn't do any good if he comes to be with you or not. I know. It would be terrible if he lived with me if I was resentful. It would be. It'd be terrible for both of you, for all of you.

So what up now? It sounds like he's cognitive though, right? I mean, he's not, his mind is not gone. And so, so the, the main reason you want him there with you is, is just for convenience of going back and forth. Well, and he calls me and tells me how much he misses me, how lonely he is. He's asked me to come live there. But my husband's still working and I said, well, I'm married to Gary. We come on the weekends.

So that's part of it too. I feel guilty because he calls me. I'm so lonely.

I've not done anything today. Well, just tell him, say, I know you're lonely. Here's the options.

What do you want to do? And let him, let him kind of deal with that himself. If he's cognitive at all, which it sounds like he is, just say, okay, I get it.

You're lonely here that here's the reality. And here, here's the options that we have and put, take the burden off of you, try to figure this out for him and let him make his own decisions with it. And that way you're not getting resentful then listen, we got to go to a break. Uh, the key is Lynn for you to not live in resentment and in bondage to what his whims are. Let him feel the weight of his own decisions and then somewhere come to a meeting of the minds. This is hope for the caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberger. We'll be right back.