Women Feeling Desperate and Abused from an Addict While Caregiving

Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. This is hope for the caregiver.

I am Peter Rosenberg bringing you three decades of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. If you want to be on the show 800-688-9522. 800-688-9522. Let's go to the phone line.

This is Paula in Oklahoma. Paula, how are you feeling? Tired, depressed, and angry.

Alright, well let's start with the last one. You're angry. What are you angry about? I'm angry at my mother and I guess my brother. I care for my mother who lives with me and she's 77.

And my brother who's 56, I'm the youngest. And it's just very hard dealing with him. He has past drug use and I just don't trust him around my mother.

And now I'm having to go through a legal battle to get him out of the house that I own. Let's go back to your mother. Why are you angry with your mother? Because she has allowed him to end up in the position she's in. And she continues to enable him and I'm kind of caught in the middle. And I blow up at her and she has dementia a little bit and I just don't know what to do anymore. Alright, I'm just trying to sort through all the players and the pieces here. So basically your mother has enabled your brother for so long and now he is a train wreck and you could use the help but you can't trust him and you're having to take steps against him because she didn't raise him in a way that really helped him become a better adult.

Exactly. To be the man he's supposed to be, to take care of the family. My dad was an alcoholic and abuser and so our whole family is pretty much dysfunctional. Well, this is not an uncommon problem and let's start taking it a little tiny piece by piece, okay? Number one is, what are you doing to be in any kind of recovery program for yourself? Are you in any kind of 12 step program of some kind for family members of alcoholics or addicts?

No. I go to see a counselor. I have both of your books. I listen to your program. I just am trying to, I'm hanging on by a thread so to speak.

Alright, well we're going to see if we can't make that thread a little stronger, alright? Talk to your counselor or you can go into your area and go online and look for it and look for some type of recovery program for family members of alcoholics. Children, adult children of alcoholics, that's probably a good place to start because you still have some things to work out with your dad, I would imagine. And even though he's gone, trust me on this, he can be dust in the ground and you're still dealing with the aftermath of his addiction. And it's going to be very healthy for you and very healing for you and strengthening for you to walk through that and start detangling all that. And it's going to help you better deal with your brother and your mother. But more importantly, it's going to help you deal with you because your mother's got an illness. She's got dementia now.

She's declining. Your brother has an addiction. You can't fix either one of those things. You cannot reason with your mother.

You cannot reason with your brother on this. You cannot talk them out of their illness. But what you can do is start protecting you in this. And one of the things I'm finding out is so many people are dealing with this reality of caregiving, and they're having to do it with both hands tied behind their back because they're also dealing with some kind of addiction issue that's coming in. It's as if dementia wasn't mean enough.

And now you've got addiction issues, alcoholic issues and resentment issues and all that kind of stuff. And your heart is just, like you said, you started off. You're worn out. You're weary. You're tired.

And your heart is trying to stay. I just want my brother to leave, too. I just am tired of caring for my brother, who is an adult man, and I'm just tired of being responsible. And I want him to leave and he refuses to move out of the house. He left the front door unlocked the other night. And that's my biggest problem, is him.

Have you changed the locks on the door? No, because he says he's going to take me to court. I own the house, but he refuses to leave.

Drug addicts will say a lot of things, okay? Detach from this a little bit and realize that you're going to need to do what is necessary to protect yourself, even if it comes to the point of a restraining order. Right. He is not welcome on your property. He is not welcome in your home, period. He has an addiction and an illness and an impairment that is harmful to you and to your environment.

And that is not up for debate. And you do not have to be at the mercy of his illness. And so talk to your counselor about this, but it may be time to bring in some legal steps. And he can take you to court all he wants.

But if he's an addict, I doubt he's got money to afford a lawyer. Yeah, and he has a shotgun in between his mattress and he has a felony already. And I just feel like I'm going to put my mom over the edge. Well, listen, let your mom go on over the edge. But if this guy is a felon and a drug addict and has a shotgun under his mattress, this is not a complex issue.

It's painful, but it's not complex. Law enforcement needs to be involved yesterday. OK. OK. And you you talk to you. You can talk to your counselor, get your pastor involved.

Whoever do not try to do this all by yourself. But if this if he is a felon with a shotgun, that's a game changer. All right. OK. You are not safe with this man without having this man under under constraint of authorities. OK. Period. He's breaking the law. And and he's going to put you and your mother at risk. Your mother, if she goes on over the edge, she goes over the edge. But I would rather her go over the edge than for you to be victimized by this any further. Your safety is paramount and you don't feel safe, do you? No, not at all. I'm stressed.

I'm on edge. It was like living with my dad because he was so abusive. And that's the way my brother is.

Well, that's got to stop today. Now, tell me about your pastor. Do you have a good relationship with your pastor? I don't really have a home church either.

OK, that's we're going to we're going to start taking these things in order. You're going to need a home church. But talk about your counselor. Do you like your counselor?

Yes, he's very good. I tried to get my brother to go and he that didn't work. OK. Does your counselor know a good attorney that you can call or can you or tell you how to go about filing out a restraining order? I got a legal aid advice and he said they said I have to give my brother a notice to vacate a 30 day notice. Do they know that he has a shotgun under his bed? No, that would be a helpful piece of information to tell somebody in authority that there is a convicted felon who has a shotgun under his bed, who has a drug problem.

That would be a helpful piece of information for authorities to know. OK, now, this this thing is going to get really ugly. It's going to get up. Yeah, because I have a very checkered past and he's going to try to blackmail me. I was I was a lesbian back in the day and now he's like bringing all that up and going to you know what? I'm a born again Christian now.

That was the path. Paula, let me tell you something about our savior. There is nothing that you have done that he that Christ is going to bring up and start labeling you. That comes straight from Satan. All right. OK, that's that's what Satan means, the accuser. And so that when you're in court and somebody wants to kind of this is the way I look at it. If they want to get me into a long trial of saying you did this and he does, I just plead guilty and go straight to execution.

All right. And when Charles Spurgeon said I read a great quote from Charles Spurgeon. He said, when we stand before God, we stand as Christ because Christ stood before God as us. I just want you to just hang on to that thought for just a moment. Do you understand that you have a savior that took every bit of that? Every bit of your checkered past, every bit of your broken sexuality, every bit of that.

He took that and he bore it. And you are not being blackmailed with anything because you have a savior that is your advocate now. And this guy is messed up.

He is dangerous. He is messed up. And you're trying to take care of your mother. You're trying to honor your mother and your father, even though your father was a drunk and was abusive and all that kind of stuff. You're still trying to do what is the right thing to do. And you're doing it. But you're going to have to pull in some extra hired help here.

And that's going to be law enforcement to put some restraint around this young man or this. He's your older brother. He's 56, right? Yeah. I'm the baby.

My sister also. OK, then what this is a couple of things. Well, step recovery program for you. But the immediate thing is let's get you safe. Let's get you to safety. OK, that's the immediate thing right now is your safety. And so I want you to I want you to call whoever you can call, whether it's your counselor or whatever, and say, look, I've got to take this to the to the next level here. And if your counselor discourages that, you let the council know that there is a shotgun involved, there are drugs involved and there's abusive behavior involved. And if your counselor still doesn't help you with that, you need another counselor. Right.

OK, let's start with that and call the local police and ask them what to do. OK. Do not do this alone, Paula. And do not do not white knuckle this.

OK, got it. Thank you for Paula. Paula, I'm proud of you. Yes, I'm proud of you, honey.

I'm proud of you. OK, thank you. You're going to get through this. Let's take this. Make those calls right now. OK, yes.

This is I've got to go to a break. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is hope for the caregiver.

I'm Gracie Rosenberger. And 26 years ago, I walked for the first time on prosthetic legs. I saw firsthand how important quality prosthetic limbs are to an amputee. This understanding compelled me to establish standing with hope for more than a dozen years. We've been working with the government of Ghana in West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up.

That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie and I'm standing with hope. My weakness is revealed. But by his stripes I'm healed. He's faithful and he's true. To complete the work he begins in me and you. I want to and I need to.

Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. That's my wife, Gracie, singing that Keith Green song. I just I love that song.

I want to be more like Jesus. Yes, my weakness is revealed by stripes. I mean, that's a woman who has had 80 surgeries, both legs amputated, lives with extreme pain all the time. And she understands that message. And I want you to understand it.

And I want our last caller, Paula, to understand that. That that our weakness is revealed, but by his stripes we're healed. And there's a greater problem that we are saved from. And Gracie knows this. Then amputation, then a traumatic car wreck, then dementia, then illnesses, then addictions and all these kinds of things that plague us.

There is a greater toxicity. And that is the sin in this world. And when you when you start to walk down that path, you understand just how big the cross really is. And I want you all listening right now. And there are a lot of people listening this show all across the country. Some of you out there can do this. Some of you are called to do this well, but I think we're all called to do this. I want you all to just commit with me that you're going to lift Paula up in prayer. That took a lot of courage for her to call this show. And her life is really, really difficult right now. And if we don't come together as believers and as people of reflecting the character of God to lift each other up in prayer, to build each other up. Then what are we doing?

So I'm asking you, I'm asking you. Her name is Paula and her life is broken. And we've pointed her to the best we can to a place of safety. But I know that it's a situation there when you have a drug addict who is abusive. Who is a felon and they have a firearm.

That's a game changer. And you call law enforcement and let the chips fall where they may. But I would rather her brother be bitter and resentful and even hate her than for her brother to harm her. And the only way she's going to get help is if she gets somebody that's able to physically restrain this guy. And that's where law enforcement, because she's not going to be able to do it. And they're going to have to call the law enforcement. This will not get better on its own.

It will get worse. And so you have to call in and set up those perimeters and those boundaries. And sometimes that involves the sheriff that sometimes that involves a police officer. Your safety as a caregiver is paramount. Don't mess around with this. Make the call.

And if you don't have a pastor, get yourself involved in a church with a pastor who understands these kinds of things, because a pastor can walk with you through this. I was I did I was on MyCuckabee show not too terribly long ago, and he and I were talking backstage. And I remember telling him what really piqued my ear with him when I first saw him on the national scene. He was running for president in 2008, and they asked him why he was qualified to be to run for president.

And he was a two term governor in Arkansas by that point, two term governor. But his response was, as a pastor, I've had a front row seat to every type of social dynamic out there. And he talked about going into scenes like what Paul just reflected with as a pastor. And this is what pastors do. This is what ministers of the gospel do. They are willing to walk with you through this.

And if you have one that is not, then by all means, get away from that person because that you don't need them in your life. You need warrior men of God to walk with you through those things. Paul needs that. See, this whole thing of toxic masculinity, I just reject it. That's masculinity. That is men being godly men who will walk with you through this.

That's what you need. And as she becomes a godly woman and God reached into the mess of her life and pulled her out and has redeemed her. And she needs to be reminded of that daily, of what God has done on her behalf, because the shame of this sin that plagues us will tear us down. It is without mercy. You think Alzheimer's has no mercy.

You ought to see the ravages of sin up close and personal. This is what this show is about, is helping rescue the heart of the family caregiver who is just getting pummeled. You heard it right here on the air. You just heard this woman groaning over this. This is why we do the show.

This is why we do the show. Let me go to Vicki in Mississippi. Vicki, good morning. How are you feeling?

Kind of like Paula. I moved back into my family home four years ago after my father died and my mother got stage four lung cancer and dementia. And I took care of her because she passed away in July and she was the best example of a Christian mother that I could find.

My only child went into the Marine Corps and he was in eight years and did two tours in Afghanistan. And now I'm his target. Everything in his life is my fault. He's abusive.

A hire up in the police department called him the other day because people have been telling him that he needs help. And he was talking to him and he dropped the phone and the phone broke connection. And he came at me cussing and screaming, you're going to pay for this phone call, because he thought I called him. So I ran outside the house when the guy called back, just like flipping a switch.

He's right. My mom is outside trying to make people think I threatened her, which is exactly what he did. And so he put me on the phone and he said, he's not going to hurt you.

He just needs to get some help. He's already hurt me before. Now, this is my only child. This is breaking my heart.

This is ripping me apart. And I understand that he has these problems, but I didn't cause these problems. He's also using drugs. He knows I'm afraid of him physically.

And he uses that. I make minimum wage. I cannot afford to go out and get somewhere to live. Does he live with you?

Yeah, this is the family home and the will hasn't gone through probate. But when it does, that all belongs to him because my daddy thought that was the only child that was ever born in the world. And, you know, he's gone from being somebody that has excelled at everything to not even being able to hold a job. He doesn't even make sense when he talks.

And but but nobody else can see this but me. I mean, it's because I'm the target and he turns it on and off. And he's not still in the service, though, right? No, sir, he's not.

And what does he do for a living now? Nothing. I pay every bill. I buy every square toilet paper that comes in here. If I bring things in my ring to hide for me to eat, he comes in and finds them while I'm at work. I work full time and eat them.

And to the point to where he doesn't even make sense when he talks. And who have you told? Have you told about this? A couple of relatives, my pastor. What did your pastor say?

Well, I go to a church that's mainly made of a family and, you know, will pray for you if you need me. I'm not going to call them and stay with them or I'm not dragging anybody else in with this. You know, I just I'm not going to do that. And, you know, I made a lot of mistakes in the past, that's all he brings up. And I told him, you know, God has forgiven me. If you can't, you take that up with God.

You know, that's just manipulation on his part, trying to keep you under his thumb. Just let that go by, OK? You don't need to. Don't engage with that. Again, I'm going to go back to what you and Paul are both are dealing with.

You're not safe. And this is a this is a young man, evidently, who has suffered from some type of PTSD. PTSD, I mean, and he is he's really.

War, as it does, messes him up, has messed him up. And so. Is that you, Vicky? You still with me? Well, I think we lost Vicky. And well, let's let's Vicky, hopefully you're still listening and let's talk about this.

This is a young man who is obviously been has taken home the battlefield with him. And he needs desperate help, but he may or may not get that help. But somebody in authority needs to know this.

Somebody that is bigger than you, Vicky, needs to know this. And if your pastors just simply say, we're going to pray for you, that's not enough. And to all you pastors listening, pray. I mean, please pray. But come on. I mean, really, you know. Learn to learn to read between the lines and see the family dynamic.

You know, it just. Get this woman to safety, get this woman to a place where she can be able to have groceries in the house without her. Her son stealing them from her, who is threatening her. And and and Vicky, call law enforcement, get a social worker involved. Get somebody involved who has access to these things.

Free legal aid, something. Change the locks. Evict this guy.

If the house is going to go to him, then you know what? Leave the house and go to a battered place and and make the call. Do what's necessary for you to preserve your life, because this will not get better on its own.

This is not going to change on its own. And when this kid gets the house, because that's what your father left him to do, left him to have, then it's going to get even worse. And sometimes you may have to just flee with a shirt on your back and start all over. And I hate that because it's your only son. I hate this for you. I just.

Nothing infuriates me more with it. But this is your safety we're talking about. This is your life. And it's in danger. And I'm sorry, but the call got disconnected. I don't know what happened. Please make the call to local authorities. Get yourself to a place of safety. Paramount. This is Hope for the caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. We'll be right back. Have you ever helped somebody walk for the first time? I've had that privilege many times through our organization Standing with Hope. When my wife Gracie gave up both of her legs following this horrible wreck that she had as a teenager and she tried to save them for years.

And it just wouldn't work out. And finally she relinquished them and thought, wow, this is it. I mean, I don't have any legs anymore.

What can God do with that? And then she had this vision for using prosthetic limbs as a means of sharing the gospel to put legs on her fellow amputees. And that's what we've been doing now since 2005 with Standing with Hope. We work in the West African country of Ghana, and you can be a part of that through supplies, through supporting team members, through supporting the work that we're doing over there.

You could designate a limb. There's all kinds of ways that you could be a part of giving the gift that keeps on walking at standingwithhope.com. Would you take a moment to go out to standingwithhope.com and see how you can give.

They go walking and leaping and praising God. You could be a part of that at standingwithhope.com. Welcome back to the show for caregivers about caregivers hosted by a caregiver. I am Peter Rosenberger bringing you three decades of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you as you take care of someone who is not. And that was Johnny Erickson Tada and my wife, Gracie, singing Because He Lives. We can face tomorrow. Those you don't know, Johnny, she is currently undergoing her second bout with cancer after living in a wheelchair for 51 years with quadriplegia. Gracie, 80 plus surgeries, both her legs amputated.

The two women together have over 85 years of disability between them, extreme disability. And they're singing Because He Lives. We can face tomorrow. And some of the things that we're dealing with today on this show are very, very painful, raw things. So we're going to anchor you in the gospel. We're going to point you to safety. And that's what we're doing. And it's a it's a brutal world.

And now I think those of you who are just now joining the show for the first time are starting to understand why we do the show. There is so much trauma and I can only do so much in a one hour show. But I'm doing everything I can. American Family Radio, we're doing what we can right now to help you get to a place of safety where you can catch your breath.

Take a knee if you have to and start developing what is necessary for you to stay strong and healthy no matter what's happening with your loved one. And these are just brutal, heartbreaking, raw scenarios that you're hearing. And they're not isolated events.

They're happening all the time. And it's it's it's heartbreaking. But we're going we're putting our shoulder to the wheel to do the best that we can to help point you to safety, to give you permission to call the sheriff if you need to on your only son. If that's what it's got to take, that's what it's got to take. But the reality is, if you're dealing with somebody who is. Has a drug problem, has an addiction issue, there are three scenarios that are the only three scenarios that are going to happen. They're either going to get sobered up or they're going to get locked up or they're going to get covered up.

That's it. You cannot stop this from happening. They're either going to get their life into some type of recovery program. They're going to go to jail or they're going to die. The question is how or what will be left of you through that process. They will take you and everything they love with them into the depths of this. And if you do not make the phone call to get to safety, I promise you, though it be your only son, they will take you out. They will hurt you.

Do what is necessary for you to get to safety financially, emotionally, physically. And certainly spiritually. Sarah and Sarah in Ohio. Good morning. How are you feeling? Well, this morning.

Sorry, you cut out just a little bit. How are you feeling, Sarah? I'm wonderful, Peter. I'm absolutely wonderful this morning.

How are you? Well, I'm it's been a rough morning with a lot of a lot of heartbreaking calls. And it says on here, you're a caregiver to your mom and you had the same problem as Paula and Vicki. I thought a year and a half ago was taking care of my mother who had dementia and cancer. And my son was living with us. It's my home.

I own it. I was working full time trying everything I could to do everything I needed for my mother. Paying for everything.

The utilities, the house payment, all of the as Vicki brought up the toilet paper, everything. My son was contributing nothing but stress. He is a drug addict. He has been in and out of jail in prison and he was committing violent acts against me. He would not allow me to leave my home, would steal my cell phone if I tried to call the police and he would throw things at me. And one time he actually pulled a knife and I had to get the police involved.

And I thank God every day that I did it was hard. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question, Sarah. When you called the police, who did you call? Did you just call 911?

What did you do? I called our local police department. And they sent out a police officer to the home. They sent two cruisers and two officers.

And they took a statement and they assessed the situation. Was your son there when they came? He was and he had been downstairs in the rec room when I called so I was able to call.

How did that go? Did they arrest him on the site? They did arrest him on the site and I felt horrible that this was my only child, my son that I had arrested. He had a checkered past already. He had a record and I knew in my heart that he was going to go to prison.

And I also knew in my heart if I was to live to take care of my mother it had to be done. Where is he now? He is homeless and I live with that every day but it's so much better to live with that knowing that he at least has a chance. I have hope that he is going to either, as you said, take one of the three steps. He's going to clean his act up, he's going to go to jail, or he's going to be covered up. And I pray for him every day. I have heard through the grapevine a couple times how he is doing.

He crashes with some friends. He's gotten himself into a couple different recovery programs and that does my heart good. But at the same time I do still live with some guilt. But the guilt I'm living with these days is not near as strong as the guilt of having to make that decision. That was the hardest thing I ever did. Are you in a recovery program yourself? I have been, yes. And I also talked to a consular for about six months and I'm so much stronger today.

And life is so much easier than it was when he was living there. I know how those women feel. They have no hope. They feel like they're broken, like their lives are broken and they are right now. And they are crushed emotionally, spiritually, in every way you can think. They have no lifeline right now and they feel that they can't go on even another minute, much less another day.

And now I get up every morning, I know that the day is going to be a good day. Is my son out there homeless? Yes. But at least that's up to him and God. He did this to himself. Yes, I kicked him out, but he did this.

It was his decisions, his actions that made his life the way it is today. And they need to take your advice. They need...Paula needs to kick her brother out. Vicki needs to kick her son out. She'll be much better. They'll have more energy and peace while taking care of their mothers. That is the hardest thing a person can do. It is completely draining being a caregiver and trying to do everything that's necessary for that person who is ill and cannot care for themselves. But to add the stress of having a drug addict in the home, causing nothing but problems and violence and attacking you, just adds so much more to that stress load.

And they will break. And I'm hearing and Pauling as why she's broken already. She needs to kick her brother out. And if that house burns down today, tomorrow, where is she going to go?

She's going to have to start from scratch anyway. So the one who's worried about her brother getting the house, don't. You need to take care of yourself. You're going to be so much happier and at peace with your life if you just take Peter's advice. No, sir, they're not taking my advice.

They're taking yours. And you are you are one of my favorite people in the whole wide world right now for what you just said. And I want you to know that what you have modeled is why we do this show.

And if I could get if I could get you to be the co-host of this show, I what you have just modeled is the very thing that we are trying so hard to do is to point people to a place of safety. It is not without great cost and it is not without great pain. But it is possible to do this. And like you said, you wake up every day and you're not feeling this, you know, 300 pound block of cement on your chest that is crushing you.

And it's painful and it's raw and it hurts. But your safety is paramount. And your son has a disease that you cannot fight.

You are you are not able to do that. And just as we committed to pray for Paul and for Vicki, now we're going to also continue to pray for you and your son. And this is an audience that prays. This is an audience that gets this.

This is a network that gets this. And Sarah, what you have done this morning is you have you have spoken such great truth and hope into the midst of this. God bless you. And are you are you are you engaged with other individuals in your community, your church who are going through this? Are you are you talking with them on a regular basis?

Yes. In my church, one of the women who is the mother-in-law of the pastor started a health group because the drug situation in our area has been horrific. And well, I just I applaud you for that because that is so necessary. You are a voice that that so many need to hear and write where you are and in your church and so forth. And I want you to I want you to do something for me. I want you to feel free to call into this show any time you want.

Any time you want. If something's on your heart, if there's a scripture that you're reading or something, whatever you want to say, I want to hear from you because what? Well, we are they have to thank true God to make that decision.

And within a week, they're going to start. Well said. We've got to go to the end of the show. This is Peter Rosemary. This is hope for the caregiver. Hope for the caregiver dot com.

You want to see some more information, books and so forth out there. Thank you for being a part of the show. Thank you, American Family Radio, for giving us this opportunity. Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. And today's a great day to start. Does it matter what your past was? That's why we have a savior. We'll see you next week.