Relentless Caregiver Advocates for Justice and Relationships

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This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the show for you as a family caregiver. This is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver. You want to be a part of it? 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. Why do we need a show for caregivers? Well, there are 65 million of us out there who are putting ourselves every day between a vulnerable loved one and an even worse disaster. Sometimes that looks like taking care of somebody with Alzheimer's.

Sometimes that is involving somebody with autism. Or maybe you have a loved one who has some other type of disease, trauma, addiction, alcoholism, whatever the chronic impairment, there's always a caregiver. If you don't help the caregiver, what happens to the patient?

If the caregiver goes down, it's at least a two for one deal. And there are a lot of caregivers who suffer in silence, who struggle and have late night conversations with the ceiling fan over, has God forgotten me? Does God care? Does God see this?

Does God know what's going on? And this show is committed to speaking with clarity into that issue, to the family caregiver, to strengthen and equip them to stay strong and healthy as they take care of someone who is not. Now in my 35th year as a caregiver, I draw on that experience. A lot of it I learned the hard way.

Most of it I learned the hard way. But those lessons are the foundation for what we offer on this show. And I'm very grateful to be a part of American Family Radio, who is now at the forefront of this issue affecting so many people.

This show is the nation's largest broadcast show for the family caregiver. And why shouldn't it be? Why shouldn't the church and the people of God be leading this issue? How many other social issues have been co-opted by the world and the church is playing defense?

We don't play defense on this one. We're leading the charge on the issue affecting the family caregiver and we're grateful that you're with us. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840 if you want to be a part of the show. Luke 18, one through eight. This may be a familiar passage to some of you. Now he was telling them, that's Jesus, he was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not lose heart saying, in a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man. There was a widow in that city and she kept coming to him saying, give me legal protection from my opponent. For a while he was unwilling, but afterward he said to himself, even though I do not fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection.

Otherwise, by continually coming, she will wear me out. And the Lord said, hear what the unrighteous judge said. Now will not God bring about justice for his elect who cry to him day and night? And will he delay long after them? I tell you that he will bring about justice for them quickly.

All right. Now, how does that apply to the family caregiver? Do you ever feel inadequate as an advocate? Do you ever feel somewhat timid as you try to get justice for your loved one? Has that ever been a problem for you?

When you go to a hospital administrator and you've got a massive bill and you're trying to work that out, or a doctor, or you're trying to confront a surgeon about such and such, or some type of healthcare provider. When you are trying to deal with the adversaries that are coming at you as a caregiver, things you've got to juggle for your loved one. And in the time that Jesus was walking on this earth, and when he referenced this widow, there were very few people, very few citizens in that land considered as vulnerable as a widow. That's one of the reasons scripture says, take care of widows and orphans. So here's a woman who is very vulnerable, doesn't have a lot of status or really much status at all in her society. And she's going before this guy, this judge, who is admittedly not really a great guy.

I mean, he doesn't fear God, doesn't fear man, mentions it twice. This was a guy that's just not dialed into the things of God, but this woman is wearing him out and he relents. You ever been in that situation where you would wear somebody out as an advocate, as a caregiver? I've been there, done that. And one of the things I think, I've never lost an appeal with an insurance company. We've had a couple of them that the doc said, you know, we're going to have to stop and go a different direction because it's just going to take too long.

Okay. But I've never lost one because once I got involved, I knew that, and I did all my due diligence and the doc says, hey, this is what we've got to have here. Once I got involved, I would never take no for an answer.

I couldn't. The stakes are too high. And so the insurance company I was dealing with, whether it be, I mean, I've had multiple, I mean, we've had, I think she's with now her seventh healthcare company that she's dealing with in her 37 year journey since she got hurt. They did not know that I would be relentless. Now, a lot of people don't feel comfortable doing that and argue. Have you ever argued with an insurance company? I'd like to hear what you have to say about it, but have you ever argued with one? Have you ever argued about a medical bill? Have you ever argued with a teacher over your special needs child? You don't have to be hateful in it, but I think that one of the things I've found a consistent trait with family caregivers is that we're going to be relentless.

We're not going to give up, you know, because what happens if we do? What happens to I got a friend of mine who's got a daughter who had hearing issues and she had to have specialized learning plans in school. And this was during a time when that was starting to become, it wasn't as normal as it is now in her area and or not.

I guess normal is not the right word. Normal doesn't even apply sometimes to us as caregivers, but it was not as widespread. And so she was blazing some trails for others, but she was relentless in fighting for her daughter to have specialized learning plans. And a lot of the teachers that she dealt with and school administrators and so forth were just annoyed every time they saw her coming.

But they did not question the fact that she was going to bring the thunder. And I think that's as caregivers. This is a scripture that I particularly like because it shows that even people who don't fear God, they're not they're not your friend. They're not part of the family of God, whatever. They're not you're not appealing to them for their humanity. You're not appealing to them for their emotions. You're coming to them and you're just going to wear them out.

They're going. This woman, she said, look, I need help. I need somebody to protect my legal rights. And as caregivers, that's that's pretty much what we do. You know, we're constantly advocating for someone who cannot advocate for themselves. And here's a situation where we see that that Jesus takes it into flips and said, look, if this guy's doing it and he's not a righteous man, this judge was not a righteous man, didn't fear God, didn't fear man. And if he's going to relent. How much more so will God. How much more so will God do for his children who he loves? And you're going to see justice. Now, that's hard when you're in the midst of it because you're thinking, oh, man, you know, how is God ever going to bring anything positive out of this?

What good can come of this? And that's a hard question. Get it. I understand it. I know it. I've asked it. I've struggled with it. But here it is in the text. That God will do this.

Never going to do it in my time frame. I'm certain. What's the old phrase that God's never late, but he misses a great misses a lot of great opportunities to be early. But that's that's a very encouraging scripture for us as caregivers. We're going to talk about this some more.

I want to hear from you. 888-589-8840. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the show for you as a family caregiver. Hope for the caregiver dot com.

We'll be right back. Welcome back to Hope for the caregiver here on American Family Radio. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the show for you as a family caregiver.

There's nothing like this show. We are leading the charge to speak to the often train wreck that's in a caregiver's heart. We better equip you to stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. 888-589-8840.

888-589-8840. If you want to be a part of the show, we're talking about do you feel inadequate as an advocate? You ever struggle? And the scripture we read today was in Luke 18 one through eight. And we're talking about how the relentlessness that we often bring to the table, which we don't necessarily consider a great gift. But Jesus is spotlighting this with this widow went to this judge who was not a believer.

Wasn't even really a good guy. But because this widow wore him out, he said, I'm going to give her what she's asking. He said, how much more so will God do for those who cry out to him day and night? And as caregivers, we know what it's like to have to get in there and fight. And we feel like we're punching way above our weight class, that we are just so ill-equipped for this. I mean, they didn't teach me how to negotiate with hospital administrators when I was in music school. And we have to learn all this stuff on the job. And that's why I do this show, because I want to equip my fellow caregivers in ways that I was not.

I didn't have a show like this when I was going through the vast majority of these things. And so I wanted to be able to provide a clear path for my fellow caregivers. OK, here's what this looks like. Here's what it's going to feel like.

Here's how we're going to punch through this thing. So let's go to Debbie in Cleveland, Ohio. And Debbie, good morning. How are you feeling? Good morning. How are you feeling? Well, good. I'm feeling very well. Thank you. Tell me, tell me what's on your heart and mind. So I just want to call in to try to be an encouragement to others out there. Real quick, I have two adult sons with autism.

I've called into your show before. I'll just focus on one of them in particular regarding advocacy. So in his early age, in his early years, I'm trying to advocate for him with insurance companies to pay for things like speech therapy and occupational therapy and so forth. But then the real challenging time came when he was an adult.

So basically from 2011 until 2020, I had been trying to obtain governmental benefits, SSI, for my adult son with autism. And throughout that journey from 2011 through 2020, the Lord used... First of all, he provided for us. He provided for my son and he provided for our family.

But also he provided for us, interestingly, by having people encourage me along the way. Don't give up. Keep applying. Keep asking questions. And a lot of times... Let me ask you about that real quick, Debbie. Debbie, let me ask you about that.

Because some people may say, well, you know, that sounds real nice. He's encouraging and all that kind of stuff. But in reality, that really did strengthen you when people come alongside you and say, don't give up. Keep fighting. What did that do for you? It really kind of put me back on the wagon, put me back in the boat to keep persevering. Because it is easy to get, for me at least, it was easy to give up and to get discouraged, especially during that very long timeframe.

And it was super encouraging when someone would come alongside and say, no, you should do this. You keep trying. Keep asking. Oh, I've heard that happen before. Sometimes it does take a long time. But keep advocating.

And the Lord brought us through it. And like I said, finally, this year, after several years of trying, both of my sons now, they do have the benefits to help take care of them. Well, I have found that, yeah, did you go to how to take care of a child with autism school?

No, sir. I mean, every bit of this, you're just learning from trial and error and you're doing it. And so when you have other people that come alongside that have kind of walked down similar paths, it really does make you feel a little stronger, a little better equipped to deal with this. You know, when you're in the woods hiking and the undergrowth is so thick and you feel so lost, you know, just to hear another voice saying, hey, the path is over here.

Man, that is just, that's an unbelievable feeling. And sometimes the Lord will use, sometimes the Lord used people in my life who were not believers. Sometimes He used people in my life that did not live in the world of autism to plant seeds, where the Lord would take that and say, oh, yes, this is what you should do next. And so that was, looking back now, it was quite the journey, and I'm just so very grateful to God. But yeah, when I look back and I say, oh, He used unbelievers, He used people who knew nothing about autism. Hey, He used a donkey, you know, to speak to Balaam.

And you know what, I take great comfort in that, that I am in a precedent, scriptural precedent, of God using the jawbone of a donkey, because I'm one of those donkeys. But, you know, I want you to just take a minute, we're going to get some other calls here, but I want you to take just a moment, because somebody is tuning into this now for the first time, and they have a child with autism, and they are overwhelmed. I mean, you know what that feels like when you get that diagnosis.

Yes, yep. What do you want to say to them? I want to say there is always reason to hope. Keep hoping, take one day at a time, the Lord hears you, He cares for you, and He has the plan to get you through this. Every step of the way is a new journey. Every chapter that closes on preschool education opens up a new chapter into primary school education, opens up a new chapter into adult services, opens up a new chapter into your estate planning and planning for your child when you're no longer here.

It's always going to be a new chapter. And this is not my original quote, but I will share it. Someone once said, you know, even the difficult times as you are journeying through caring for your child with autism, some of those might be hard chapters, but overall the book is a good book. So keep reading, keep praying, keep hoping. God cares for you and He hears you when you cry out to Him. Very good words.

I have a saying that I've done on the show quite often. When you get a bad diagnosis, no matter what it is, particularly with the child when born with special needs or a child with autism, well autism is not terminal. You know, you live a life, a child can live a full life, a long life with autism. And so I've often said, and you back me up on this and see if it resonates with you, Debbie, but I've often said that the first thing that parents do is they talk to the doctor, they talk to the pastor, and then they talk to a financial planner in that order. Is that pretty good counsel?

I would say absolutely, definitely, absolutely. I'm glad to hear that you have punched through some of these things and it means a lot that you take the time to call and listen to the show and feel free to call back in. When you have things that have happened that you think, okay, this is something I need to communicate with other people, call back in and tell us, okay? Because there are a lot of parents out there that are blazing this thing.

I mean, they feel like they're all alone in this thing and they're not. And you're living proof of this. So I just invite you to be as engaged as you want to be on the show and be an encouragement to other families who have special needs children, particularly with autism. Yes, and may I add one other resource? You said the doctor and the pastor and the financial advisor. If you're running to roadblocks, I got a lot of traction by contacting my two state senators' offices, the offices of my two state senators. I got a lot of traction that way. So utilize governmental resources as well. And they are there and they don't have to fear God or respect man according to scripture. They're in a position where they have something that is going to help you and you go and you just beat on that door as much as it takes to get the job done.

I mean, that's just what it takes. All right, well listen, Debbie, thanks so much for the call and you behave yourself today and I appreciate you listening. Gina in Texas. Gina, good morning. How are you feeling? I'm doing good.

Thank you very much. How are you and your wife doing? Well, you know, we seem to be rocking right along here. It was beautiful weather. We had four inches of snow on Labor Day and then it was 80 degrees yesterday. So go figure. It's hard to know if you should pull out the winter clothes yet or not. But that was kind of fun on Labor Day to watch it.

She loves the snow and it was fun to watch that. But we're doing okay. What you got on your mind?

Well, we have a father that has Alzheimer's and he's, you know, they're very difficult to figure out how to care for because of the special needs that they have due to that mental situation. But I'm calling about the family, the extended family. We're all broken up. I don't talk to my sister. I have to sever the relationship because it was taking me down. I initially was, I wouldn't say the only caretaker, but I was the primary caretaker because I didn't have a job and I made sure that he was five minutes from my house. But no matter what I did, no matter if my other sister wasn't pleased, I really don't have the authority. She's the one to have the power of attorney to take care of him and all of that.

But she works. But we have not been, we're tore up. How do we begin to heal? How do we begin to accept that this is a circumstance that really nobody knows what to do because from what I understand, it manifests itself in different degrees according to different people. So how do we begin the healing?

That is a very good question that affects so many family caregivers. I tell you what, will you hold on to the break and we're going to talk about that. Is that all right? All right. This is Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. How do you heal? How do you build relationships or work together with other family members when you have all this dysfunction? That is a question so many caregivers face.

We're going to deal with that when we come back. 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver and your life is in his hand. That is my wife Gracie singing from her new CD Resilient. You can get a copy of that if you want. Go to Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

Right there on the front is the CD cover. You can see it and hear more music and see our books and so forth that we have available to you as a family caregiver. We have the presenting sponsor for what we do here at Hope for the Caregiver is Standing with Hope. It is the ministry Gracie and I founded many years ago when she wanted to provide prosthetic limbs to her fellow amputees. We've been doing that since 2005 and we have two program areas for the wounded and those who care for them. For the wounded is the amputee related ministry that we have. We collect used limbs from all over the country. They go to a prison and inmates volunteer to help us disassemble them so we can recycle the parts. We send the parts and then we buy new parts and then we take teams over to West Africa. We've been working with the Republic of Ghana for many years with their government. We teach and equip them to make legs for their own people.

Then we'll purchase things in country. We just purchased a bunch of resin to make brand new sockets that fit for each patient. We just purchased, we sponsored a leg for a young man we've been treating since 2007 I think. Amputees will go through prosthetics and Gracie herself is a double amputee.

She sends over her own things, prosthetic socks and liners and sleeves and hardware from her prosthesis that she goes through. It's a wonderful ministry and then we have for the wounded and those who care for them. That's what this is, this whole outreach to family caregivers. If you want to be a part of that, we would welcome your help. Go to HopeForTheCaregiver.com. Just click on the button that says donate and whatever's on your heart, we'll send you a copy of her CD.

How about that? And it's great. She's a no kidding singer. All right, we're talking with Gina in Texas and she's got a family that is dissolved under the strain of caring for a father with Alzheimer's.

And how do you heal? And that's what we're addressing here today. So Gina, your sister has all the power of attorney and medical power of attorney and all that kind of stuff, but you're doing all the work.

Is that what I understand? I was, but since it was taking me down, I bailed. I said, I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.

I'm going to need a caretaker myself if I don't bail. And so I bailed after other, because it affects not just the caretaker that you're taking care of, it affects every aspect. I was drowning and it was going to take my marriage with it and I had to bail.

I don't feel good about it, but I had to survive and I had to protect my relationship with my husband because it was so destructive that I gained weight. I was a raving maniac and I realized that that was not what needed to be happened. So I totally gave her and said, here's this medication.

This is what I've been doing. You're in charge. I can't believe you. There's no point in me going through this anymore. It's your job now. And I haven't talked to her.

I've seen her at a store here and there and if her sight could kill, I'd be ten feet under. But my family says survive. I am back to being me, but now I want to know how do we go from here? I mean, I don't want this situation to be forever, but I really don't know where to begin. I called her, left her a message and said, look, I know a lot has happened, but no matter what, I still love you as a sister.

I know we have a lot of differences and left it at that. Then I contacted her daughter because due to the COVID, my dad had to go live with her because he got a bunch of blisters from wearing the mask. And he had eye infections from wearing that mask all the time. So she had to take him out so that he didn't have to wear a mask all the time. Then he went back because things opened up and I get a little more lax.

And there was supposed to be a hurricane a week ago or two weeks ago here, so they were going to pre-evacuate before. And so the center called me and said, you need to come get your dad. And I said, well, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't do that. You have to call his primary caretaker, which is Martha, my sister. And so they did, during that time I did try to call and see if I could take him out to dinner, you know, give her a break or something.

I went through her daughter to do that. Well, nothing ever happened to that. And we're just a mess.

Well, and this is sadly not an unusual situation. And so let's back it way up. Okay. Did you and your sister have fractions in your relationship, fractures in your relationship before your dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Yes. Yes, sir.

Okay. So, so you guys have not had a great relationship for some time. We've never, I mean, we've been sisters, we've been, we love each other. While my mother lived, she was the peacemaker, she was the one that helped, you know, eat things off. But after her death and with the responsibility that we have with our dad, it's just gone from not so good to horribly a nightmare, to the point that I knew that I wasn't being any good to her and I knew she wasn't doing any good to me. So I have severed the relationship just to survive. Well, what happens is if there's any kind of fracture in the relationship, being a caregiver will expose that and amplify that to just almost crushing levels.

If you've got anything going on, it will push, the pressure of it, particularly with Alzheimer's, the pressure of it is just staggering. So what's happened is that it took you and your sister from a truce relationship, where you just kind of had a truce that you were going to stay away from certain subjects and so forth, to now it's just full blown battle lines. So to get back to a place of any kind of reconciliation is going to be a lot of work.

And it's going to be work that is way outside your purview to be able to orchestrate. You cannot make your sister be reasonable. You cannot make you be reasonable. You cannot make either one of you forgive. You can't do those things by yourself.

It's going to take a lot of work. Where does that start? Well, the first place may be to sit down with some type of family counselor, social worker, licensed mental health counselor, somebody, a pastor, somebody, though, that can at least have a conversation with you and start giving you some better tools to reach out to your sister. And then you develop a way to reach out to her.

It may be a letter. Instead of going through her daughter, you just go to her. You can go to her relentlessly and say, look, I don't want to fight with you. I want to work this out. I don't know what that looks like, but this is where my heart is. I want to I want to have that relationship with you and I want to be a partner with you and taking care of our father.

If that's something you want, then then express that to her in multiple ways and multiple times, because it's going to take a while for her to, number one, believe you and then to be able to count on you. And so these are things that you'll have to own. Yeah, you bail, but you don't need to get into all the drama of why you did it. You said, look, you know, when people are drowning, they're going to pull somebody down with them just to be able to get air. That's what happens. And that's exactly what that's exactly what you did. And so you were you were ill equipped with the pressure and the suffocating journey.

And I get that we all are. But now it's time to go back and reassess, OK, where are we and what are we doing here? And and what's what's the what's the next step for us? And so I would I would start with that.

I would start with understanding that part of the journey of being a caregiver is learning how to make amends. And because we're going we're going to get it wrong. One of the things I got a book called Seven Caregiver Landmines, and one of the things we talk about is excessive weight gain. And this is what happens to us because we are we are not in a healthy place. Our bodies reflect what's going on in our hearts. And so you're going to have these moments of rage, of depression, of anger, whatever.

It's all going to come at you. So if you can get to somebody who can help you consistently walk through that and give you the vocabulary of what it's like to go to your sister, you don't have to you don't have to grovel. You have to stay focused on your message on what are you trying to accomplish here? Do you want to have a peaceful, loving relationship with your sister? And once you answer that question, do you want to help her take care of your father? And once you've established what your goals are, what you're trying to get out of this thing, then you can go to her and offer these things. Now, she's probably going to be a little bit reticent to get involved. It sounds like she already is. She doesn't want to deal with you. And like you said, when you go to the store and you see her at a store and she's just shooting daggers at you with her eyes. All the pressure you're feeling, she's feeling it with your with your father.

She's feeling that now, too. Plus the added resentment of all the things going on with you. So this is going to take a while to detangle this, if at all. And some of these things don't get detangled.

And you need to be prepared for that. Some things don't get fixed this side of heaven. Doesn't mean that God can't do it.

Doesn't mean that God won't do it. It just means that the nature of some of these things are that you cannot force somebody to be agreeable with you. You cannot force things and try to get the outcome that you want. But what you can do is be as upfront and be as clear and be as amenable to God healing this as you possibly can. And that's where you ask for help from scripture and you ask for help from people around you who are professionals at this. And you can't go in there with your airing of grievances.

If you're going to go try to help your sister, you have to accept the fact that some of the things that you have that are grievances or whatever, they're not going to necessarily be addressed. You're not going to get all the things that you want. But that's not the point. You're trying to offer and try to push into something.

Be prepared to get rejected. But that doesn't mean you quit. If it's important to you, stay with it. And to go back to what our scripture was today with this widow said she needed something from this guy and he wasn't going to budge.

But finally she just wore him down. Well, you can do the same thing with love. You can do the same thing with making amends. You can do the same thing with offering to help. You can wear them down so that they will believe you.

Your sister's got to believe you. Does that give you a starting point? Yes, sir. Good luck. Thank you, sir. All right. Well, listen, we're up against the break. This is Peter Rosenberger.

We'll be right back. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger. And in 1983, I experienced a horrific car accident leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

But over time, my questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie, and I am standing with hope. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver here on American Family Radio. This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. 888-589-8840, 888-589-8840. And we've been covering a lot of ground here today, but one of the issues that affects so many dealing with this in the caregiving world is the fracture of relationships, as our last caller did.

And I want to just kind of go back to that just a minute and close that loop. You may be dealing with this right now. In fact, I'm certain the vast majority of you either have or are dealing with this as caregivers. It will really strain everything in your life, particularly your relationships. And I understand this in ways that I hope most of you do not.

I hope none of you do. I don't know what I was saying. And I have learned that part of the journey is that when you have a fracture in this relationship, no matter how much the strain, no matter how much the challenge, no matter how much the infraction, you have a responsibility to do what God is leading you to do and to do the right thing yourself. And the right thing may not be to go over there, and you certainly don't need to take responsibility for things that you didn't do. You don't need to apologize for things that are not yours to apologize for. You don't need to just make peace.

You need to make amends, but not peace to the best of your abilities. But it may not be accepted. And that's their decision to make. But you have to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. And sometimes we're going to give ourselves a way out of not doing those things.

We like to justify because it's uncomfortable, it's unpleasant. But taking ownership of your own stuff is part of the journey. OK. That's just the way it is. And the moment you start putting sandbags around you and being in the trenches and justifying your position like this, that's a dangerous place for us as caregivers. It is what it is. And we take ownership for our own stuff.

And so going back to Gina in Texas, you know, she's going to part of her journey. Gina, if you're still listening, part of your journey is is to take ownership for your own stuff. OK. This is what I did. You don't have to go around and try to justify it or you could offer some maybe some clarity of it. But this is what I did. And recognize that your stuff may have really hurt someone. OK. And you're not there to make yourself feel better and you may not be able to make them feel better. But what you can do is take ownership of the things that you did and recognize how painful it was to someone else.

Don't say, I feel your pain. That is a worthless statement made up by a politician. When Bill Clinton said that, I feel your pain. I mean, that is a worth.

That's a punch line. No, you don't feel her pain. You can only feel your own pain. But you can appreciate their pain.

You can respect their pain. And in this case with this caller, Gina, her sister is in great pain. She's not only got the pain of taking care of her father with Alzheimer's, but she's got the pain of resentment and a fractured relationship that came about in part because the two of them have never really gotten along. And when it came to be crunch time, it fell apart. And she's going to feel very, very resentful and angry and despairing and all those kinds of things.

And into that, Gina is going to walk into that and try to somehow reconcile. Well, that's that's a pretty big task. It's not one that is insurmountable, but it's a big task. And we respect the big task. We respect the mountain of resentment. And little by little, it can be chipped away and you can build something that is extraordinary.

Couples can come back from all kinds of things in their relationship. But it takes a lot of work and a lot of humility and a lot of willingness to let certain things go that you don't have to. Prove them wrong for you to be right and you don't have to constantly defend yourself. You just simply say, here's what I did.

Here's what I see that it did to you. And I grieve over that and I want to help make amends to the best of my abilities. That's a good starting point.

But be prepared. It may not be enough for that individual and they may reject it. But if they do reject it, when you come with that kind of attitude and you're consistent about it, then you know that you've done all you can do.

And at that point, they have to work that out with themselves and with God. But you still have a responsibility. If you have wounded somebody, you have a responsibility to make to the best of your abilities amends. They may not give you forgiveness. They may not grant that to you. They may not forgive you.

But that's their responsibility. Forgiveness doesn't mean it's unimportant and forgiveness doesn't mean it doesn't matter. Forgiveness means you're going to take your hands off of someone else's throat. And for this caller, her sister right now has her hands on her throat. She's incredibly angry with her. And it's going to take a while for her sister to detach from her resentment. Now, the most wonderful outcome of this thing is that Gina will be able to be the catalyst for this growth and this healing.

And that would be just ideal. It would be wonderful that Gina's first steps towards making amends would do that. But it may not happen. But that doesn't absolve you of doing what is necessary to make those kinds of efforts. Some marriages are not going to be saved. Some relationships are not going to be saved. Some wounds do not get fixed this side of heaven. That's just the way it is.

Now, I've got a lot of people that may argue with me about that or may want to get into all kinds of theological stuff and so forth have at it. My wife's legs are still amputated. OK? They're still amputated. Some wounds are just so severe that we're going to have to trust God in this life that in the next one, He's going to make it all apparent of what He was doing.

All right. That's just the way it is. Same thing with relationships. If you've got a child who has been molested by her father for years, sometimes those things don't get fixed. And it's important for us to understand this and not to try to force the healing that may or may not come. Because that's going to end up creating more problems. But that doesn't absolve us from trying. It doesn't absolve us from doing what we can do to the best of our abilities to make amends. And there are situations in my life when I look back, when I had to go back and make amends for these things, knowing that I may not receive a favorable response. But that didn't let me off the hook from doing it. Just because it's scary, just because it's uncomfortable, just because it's painful. That's part of being an adult.

That's part of being a healthy human being, of learning to take ownership for your own things. And ultimately that's part of being a child of God and a believer, is that we don't try to spin it. Because you don't spin things when you stand before God. There it is. Right there in front of God and everybody.

It's there. You can't spin this stuff. And nor should we try. You know, as long as we're comparing ourselves to other people, say, well, I thank the Lord that I'm not as bad as that guy.

We're going to give ourselves permission to continue to be jerks. The only person we compare ourselves to is Christ. Now Christ put on flesh, came to this earth to reconcile us to God.

He didn't do anything wrong. But he knew that there was no way we could be reconciled. There was no other way. This was the way.

That's our model. Now there's some people that reject Christ. So much so that they nailed him to a cross. But that didn't stop him from going to the cross. He did it.

That's the model. And you stay focused on what is Christ doing in your life and through that. And if you have no inroads to be able to go to that family member and make those kinds of amends, you do everything you can. However far the fence is that they have built around themselves, you go right up to that fence. You don't cross it. You don't step into their territory. You go right up to that fence.

And you let them know that you are taking ownership of your stuff and you would very much like to try to make amends. That's the model. If you notice that Christ says, Behold, I stand at the door and knock. He doesn't beat the door down. And nor should we. That's his model.

I'm going to go with that one. But he knocks. And he stands there. And you can knock on your sister's door. And you can make those efforts. She may not let you in. But if she does.

Oh, my. What an opportunity for reconciliation. And it's worth the risk. It's worth the risk of you feeling uncomfortable. Knock on the door. This is Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberger. Hopeforthecaregiver.com Healthy caregivers make better caregivers. And today's a great day to start. No matter what happened yesterday. Today's a great day to start. Hopeforthecaregiver.com We'll see you next week.