Making Lasting Memories with Your Grandkids

Isn't that the most wonderful sound? Kids playing together, having fun. It just brings a smile to my face.

In today's over-scheduled world, there's so much going on and we get distracted it's important for us to intentionally make time to be a family and for kids to be friends. I'm John Fuller and today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we're going to explore some fun ways to connect with your grandkids. You know, John, I think one of my favorite memories of my boys is the many times that I'd hear them in another room laughing together. It's just such a good feeling when they're talking and laughing. I mean like gut laughing, you know what I'm talking about?

Just that, not just the hype, yeah, just real good gut laugh. But man, what a beautiful thing that is and what great memories to treasure. Kids grow up today obviously, families spread out, people move.

I mean that's the story of modern life, right? They get further away from extended family, especially grandparents and lose a bit of that connection. I think FaceTime is a wonderful thing in that regard.

I've done that with the boys as they've gone in different directions to be able to FaceTime with them and stay connected. Today we do want to talk about what you can do to be in intentional in staying connected with your grandchildren and creating maybe some space and time to actually bring them and do some fun things with them. And Susan Alexander-Yates is with us. She's an author, speaker, mom to five adult children. Now last count, I think 21 grandchildren. That's right. Okay.

Twenty-one, that's good. She and her husband John have been married for over 50 years. What a legacy. Susan has written a great book that is the basis for our conversation today, Cousin Camp, a grandparent's guide to creating fun, faith, and memories that last. And you can learn more about Susan and this book at our website.

The link is in the show notes. Susan, welcome back to Focus. You've been here before. Thank you.

It's great to be with you all. Yeah. Okay. Cousin Camp. I love it. People that may not like their extended family might go, seriously, Cousin Camp?

But what a concept. Just tell me what it's about, Cousin Camp. Well, we had five kids in seven years and that was overwhelming for us. Let's start with the parenting show. Yeah. You want to go right to grandparenting. No, this is much easier.

This is much easier. So yes, grandparenting is much easier. But so all five of our kids are married. And as you mentioned, John, we have 21 grandchildren.

And we never expected this to happen. But as we began to raise our kids and then as we began to become grandparents, one of our goals, one of our real goals has been straight from the great commandment that our kids would love the Lord their God with all their heart, mind, and soul and their neighbors ourself. And we take that to mean your first neighbor is really your family.

So that's good. That became our family really vision statement that our kids would love the Lord and that they'd love each other. And how do you bring that about, practically speaking, as your adult children live in different states and you have grandchildren who don't know each other, how do you love someone you don't know? And so we were asking ourselves these questions, what can we do to foster a close-knit family when we don't all live in the same place? So that was where Cousin Camp came into being.

Yeah, that's great. But you have the grandkids all come and spend time with you. The grandkids will all come. In order to come to camp, we have camp once a year, it's four days and three nights, you have to be four years old.

Because we didn't want to deal with toddlers. We're going to get into the qualifications, but I love that idea. You've got to be four. I can't wait till I'm four.

Yeah, that's what happens too. They can't wait. They want to come soon.

None of them lie and cheat to get in, do they? The three-year-olds are going, I'm four, I'll show you my license. But that's really funny. The idea though that people you may not know, but there is a familiarity. I remember when Trent and Troy would go to Jane's mom and dad's house the very first time we took them. It was like they were at home. It wasn't like take him to a stranger's house. There was something they just knew. And they were probably like two and four. They just knew this is part of, they went to the cupboards, they found the toys, they pulled them out.

They were very comfortable there. And yeah, who's going to be purposeful and mindful more than family, more than grandparents and parents to help children come to a relationship with Christ, right? That should be our role as Christians. It should be. And you know, one of the great things is grandparents, one of the reasons I love being a grandparent is grandparents can get away sometimes with things that the parents, if Sometimes?

All the time. Whereas if the, you know, if the parents said it, they just get an eye roll from the child. But if the grandmother says it, they'll listen.

And that's a great blessing. Yeah, you know, that word association that psychologists do, now you say grandparent, the word that comes up now is sugar. Ah, that sounds good. Sugar.

Sugar. That's the key. But listen, in fact, I mean, when you first did this, you spent hours cleaning spic and span.

I could see that because Jean sounds very much like you. I'm going to make sure everything is camp ready and that everything's ready to go. What happened? Well, I, I invited my best friend who lives next door to come over to my house to see all the flowers I had put out. Everything was just perfect. You pick fresh flowers for the grandkids? Well, it was really to impress their parents, my children, in all honesty, that it was really to impress the parents that I had done a good job in getting the house ready. So the parents came and dropped off the kids.

You had to be four to be dropped off. And then they left with the littles. Well, within 10 minutes, my house was trashed with sleeping bags, backpacks, muddy shoes, and nobody noticed my flowers. Nobody noticed my clean house. I called my friend and I said, you have to come back and see this.

And she came back over and we went through every room and we just went, oh, oh my goodness. Well, I quickly had to ask myself the question, okay, do I want happy kids or a clean house? And happy kids are more important. Never again have I cleaned my house before camp. It's just not worth it. That's probably, yeah, that's a good lesson.

So if you're that grandmother out there thinking, oh, that sounds good, I can't, that'd be great. Don't bother cleaning ahead of time. That's lesson one.

That's so good. But you know, families are messy. That's the bottom line. No family's perfect.

Man, do we talk about that here at Focus? That's not the goal to be perfect. Just be good. And you have some advice for cultivating those healthy families. What's your advice for people navigating those difficult family dynamics in this context? We spoke off air about that.

But what are some of those things that you anticipate or that actually you went through that made it a little more bumpy? Well I think first of all, families are messy. You know, God knew that.

It started with Adam and Eve in the garden. And we just recognize that families are messy. But there's not a single family that's not irredeemable. And no one's beyond the reach of God. Right.

And I think one of the things that really helps is to lead with grace. And by that, I mean assume the best. Assume that just because your daughter-in-law doesn't communicate with you, doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

She just may have a lot of other things going on in her life. Assume the best. So I think that's really important that we assume the best in families. I think forgiveness is really important. Actually, I think forgiveness is the most important ingredient in the family, period. I can't tell you how many times I've had to say to my husband, John, honey, I shouldn't have said so and so. And I need to ask you to forgive me. I can't remember a single time when I felt like doing that.

I would rather say but if you had or but if you hadn't. God calls us to go to one another asking forgiveness not out of feelings, but out of obedience. And it doesn't mean that things are automatically healed or that trust is restored. Healing and trust take a very long time to come about.

But it can begin with the asking of forgiveness. Susan, you're tipping into something that I didn't anticipate talking to you about, but I think it's important that relationship with the, the in law, the daughter in law, the son in law, whichever direction it goes. You know, they didn't grow up knowing you as their spouses did as grandma. And those conflicts can be deep. I mean, I'm sure there are people listening and viewing us right now that seems impossible for them to connect at a deeper level right now because you either perceive that person doesn't like you or won't tolerate you or doesn't even like your faith.

It could be that. How do you navigate that stuff with wisdom as a grandparent? Well, I think you, again, you assume the best and you invite them to come and not knowing if they will or not. And you always speak with grace. And one of the things that's also helpful is to say to your, and I have done this with my sons and daughters that are mine, how can I love your spouse well? Wow, that's good.

That's really helpful. You know, I'd say to my, my son, how can I love your spouse? Well, give me three very specific ways to love her and he'll say, call her or text her.

And for another one, it would be very different. So I think we use what I call the clue in principle. We ask our kids and you can use this on every level with grandkids too. How can I love someone?

Well, what are some specific things that I can? Yeah, that's really good. I don't know the grandmother equivalent of this, but I was out playing with a guy playing golf and he misses the green by a few feet and he goes, ah, that's a son-in-law shot. And I went, what's that?

He goes, well, it's close enough, but not what I was hoping for. So I mean, you get all these kinds of things and as a Christian, we need to, you know, we need to do the things we need to do to develop that relationship. So that's a good reminder because I think in part you were able to create this cousin camp because you had the buy-in of your adult children. You know, did you ever experience any of the kids saying, well, you know, mom, I don't know that that's going to be right.

And you know, Susan's not really into doing this. Not that I know of, I mean, it's just been a gift from God. I know many people have those issues and that's why. Have you ever counseled the grandmother through that? Lead with grace. And I have just said, keep the long range view. You know, that's another blessing of being older is we have seen God turn around things and turn around relationships and you just keep giving grace, keep giving grace and keep praying.

And one day perhaps they'll return. Yeah. You know, one of the things in designing this event, you know, for these four days, four days, three nights, is that it?

Four days, three nights. Yeah. You say you design it in such a way that you, you understand and kind of create it for their individual skills. That sounds like a lot of work, grandma.

Seriously. I, you know, I go back to a proverb, it's Proverbs 27, 23, and it says, know well the condition of your flocks. And I sort of take that as a mandate to study my children and my grandchildren and to ask questions like, okay, God, how have you packaged this particular child?

And I get the parent's input on this too. What are some of her fears coming to camp? What are some of the things that she loves to do in life? How can I affirm her gifts? Is she a leader? Is she a follower?

Is she sensitive? Is she creative? So I take that proverb real seriously study my kids. And John and I sort of, we had a mentor, a wonderful mentor named Chuck Miller who developed this. We didn't develop it ourselves, but Chuck and Kathy Miller developed this philosophy of thinking through needs and goals.

And then you design your program. And with needs, you think through a filter of five areas of growth, emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, and social. So I have Linden coming to camp and she's six and I'll think through, okay, what are Linden's social needs and social and emotional can cross over. Linden has a cousin who I would really love for her to know, who's from a different state and they don't get much time together. So one of the social needs is for Linden to feel comfortable and get to know her cousin, Greg. So I will put them together and have them sleep on the floor in our bedroom and pray that they'll bond over the years. And the first year they're at camp, they really didn't like each other, but we worked on it and now they're besties as the girls call it. That's great. The intentionality of it is fabulous.

You have to be really intentional. And here again, parents can be helpful as they can fill you in on, okay, this son of mine, he's a bit ticked with all his brothers. He's one of four boys.

Please put him on teams and doing things with his cousins and not his brothers. So that would be a social need. A spiritual need, has this child really come to the place where they've asked question to their life. And that's a big part of camp. Very natural, very unpressured. But so we try to find that out or where they are.

And so it goes on like that. You know, Susan, one thing we have to recognize that you're able, you and your husband, you have a little farm, a little ranch that you could do this at. Not everybody's going to have that ability.

But I'm sure they're living in a home, maybe an apartment or condo. I don't know. Can you scale this in such a way that you have, you know, one or two of the grandkids over or three or four?

Oh, yeah. And actually in the book, I have a whole section in the book of how other people do it differently. Because there's not one way to do camp.

You know, the purpose is to build relationships and to help our kids grow in love for one another and in love for the Lord. So you can have a quote camp in an apartment in a big city. And you just have to learn to take advantage of the things in your neighborhood, like big cities have parks, right? So you use parks.

So we have a tiny little farm. And we just pack kids in, they sleep on floors, they sleep in closets. And it's messy.

And there's sleeping bags everywhere. That's great. But it's great.

So it's not about having a big, fancy place. It's really about being together. Yeah. And then you pack all these fun activities and okay, the one I want to come to your camp and participate in is making the big banana split.

That's what I want to do. What is the big banana split? Well, I went to this was in one of our early camps, probably the first camp I went to the hardware store and just bought a gutter, you know, just a regular gutter, a rain gutter for a house and lined it with aluminum foil, and then filled it with ice cream all the way down this long gutter different kinds of ice cream, and the different toppings and sprinkles and cherries, etc. And the first year we did it, we had all the kids line up and they were little they weren't.

This was before we had all 21 at camp, there were probably 10 of them at this point. And we we put their hands behind their back and told them they had to eat with their faces better and better. Well, that really was a flop. The kids thought that works gross. And this was pre COVID.

So yeah, it probably was gross. So the next year we switched to spoons, they could do it with spoons. But they love it. And even now that they're all in their teens and older, the ice cream gutter is a staple at camp ever.

I bet it is. That just sounds like so much fun. Although the four or five year olds, they really need the big tablespoons like serving. And then the the olders, they need little teaspoons. Yeah, actually, that would be a brilliant idea.

A little handicapping for the game here. Right. I think it's a good idea. Yeah, well, we're having fun talking about ice cream and grandkids here on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller and our guest is Susan Alexander Yates.

And she is just full of great ideas and energy. As you can tell, get a copy of the book Susan has written called Cousin Camp, a grandparents guide to creating fun, faith and memories that last. It is terrific.

It outlines so much of what you're hearing and way beyond what we're able to cover today. We can tell you more when you call 800 the letter A in the word family or stop by the show notes for all the details. Some fun and great ideas you have in the book, like the band of cousins ceremony. What what's the band of cousins?

I just want to be a part of it. I don't have any cousins. I need cousins.

You need cousins. Well, we decided that we would have sort of an initiation ceremony the last night of camp every year where the new kids, the newbies we call them, would be brought into the band of cousins and they would recite the pledge. I pledge to love the Lord and to take care of my cousins. That's a very simple pledge. You want to keep things simple with kids. And we have a procession to just an outdoor area on our little farm by candlelight. The first year we did this, I had real candles. They dripped all over the hands.

It was really bad. So you learn a lot from your mistakes. The next year we just had the little vote, you know, the electric battery power. Yeah. And we have a ceremony and the kids each say the pledge and it's sort of a solemn ceremony. And then the older cousins will share what it means to be a cousin and to care for one another with the littles.

We call them the littles. And that's been really profound over the years. Probably one of my most rewarding things has been seeing the big kids care for the younger ones. It nurtures that kind of environment. It nurtures that environment and it's really biblical. It's loving your neighbor, your cousin as yourself, but it also trains them to love other people outside the family. Yeah. Because the goal is that this won't be just a family thing. This is a trickle down thing into how we love the world.

Yeah, totally. And that's what we want to keep doing. But it starts right there with the core family. It starts right. I think it's a great thing. You've got older grandchildren now that they're in their 20s.

Right. They've been married. What are some of their recollections and observations of what they learned through this process? Well, you know, it's interesting that you had asked that because one of my granddaughters, who's just finished her freshman year in college, was asked by a family in her town just this past week to come and be staff for their third cousin camp. And so she went to run the cousin camp of a family in her town with I think it's seven kids ages five to 12. And so I interviewed her yesterday and I said, Isabel, what was it like?

You're doing this. This is so exciting to me. You are taking to the next generation what you have grown up with. And she said, Guy, the kids call me Guy.

She said, Guy, it was really neat because I felt like I could particularly talk to the 11 and 12 year old girls about how to be friends with their siblings. We could do crafts together, beading. That's a great winner of a craft, by the way, making things with beads.

B-E-A-D-I-N-G, not beading. Good clarification. It's hard and it's tough in this case.

You can hear two things out of that one. That's really important. But Isabel used a lot of the craft ideas that she had grown up with at our camp, but also she used a lot of learning how to have meaningful conversations with these kids. And then the mom of these kids was able to set Isabel up and said, Isabel, tell them how you have your private devotions.

What do you do in your devotions? And these 11 and 12 year old girls again are going to hear what Isabel does in a way that they wouldn't hear from mom or dad or even grandparents. How many years now have you done this? We've done Cousin Camp for 11 years. 11 years.

11 years. That's great. What do your adult children and their spouses say to you about it? Is there feedback? You do a little survey for them?

No. How are the grandchildren behaving now that they've come to Cousin Camp? They behave much better for me than they do their parents. There is that power of a grandparent. There is that power of the grandparents. You know, I think one of the things that we as grandparents have to learn and also as parents is we have to release the expectation to be appreciated because the reality is that your kids and your grandkids are not going to appreciate you in the way you wish they did. Now, I'm not saying that my kids haven't been thankful, but generally speaking, they don't understand all the work that goes into something like this. So what you do, guys, is you get a girlfriend or a guy friend who does appreciate what you're doing.

A peer who says, you know, I can't believe you're doing all of this and what can I do to help? And you get prayer partners to pray for you. That's really important while you're having camp. But we get feedback, you know, that from the kids sometimes and from the grandkids sometimes. And we get little thank you notes sometimes from some of them. And that's wonderful.

But you got to let go of that expectation. Yeah, that I was just thinking the application for that. I mean, within your church, you could create like a grandparent cousin club effort. Yes.

So you can help each other socially. You know, your grandparents in the same church. You've got samples of journals in front of you. And I want to touch on this because they're, you know, they're the pictures of the grandkids are there. They're so beautiful. I love it. I can't wait.

Well, I can wait till they get married and then they can have grandkids. But yeah, describe the journals and what you do for each one. Each year when the kids come, the newbies, the four year olds come to camp, they get their own journal with a picture that I've gotten from their parents of anything to put it on it. So they have their own picture on the journal. So I just brought along three of the journals to show and we have the 21, three of the 21.

Yeah. And the journals live at our house. They don't take them home because they would lose them. Right.

And they'd never come back. So I have all 21 journals on my shelf. And each year we do Bible study in the morning, very short, 30 minutes, and the kids write and draw pictures in the journals. And the first thing they write is their testimony. So each of my children have a buddy. This has been the most popular thing.

So I'll tell you about that in a minute. A popular thing at camp that anybody can do, but they sit with their big buddies at camp and the big buddy helps them because the four year olds don't write another cousin, right? Just another cousin, not a sibling, but an older cousin.

And you know, they draw pictures. So this is her first drawing on faithfulness. I'm not quite sure what that meant, but she has her testimony in this and she says, sailor chose Isabel. That was an older cousin to help welcome God into her heart on Saturday, May 28th. Dear Jesus, will you please come into my heart and let me follow you?

Amen. Sailor welcomed him in the great room in the farm with all the cousins. Sailor says a lot happened. So we, we shared Christ. Just matter of factly, we have the older kids share how they asked Christ into their heart. Sometimes it wasn't at camp. Sometimes it was in the car. Sometimes it was with a parent.

Some are still thinking about it and that's okay. No pressure. It's just, is this something you would like to do? I'll tell you just one other funny thing. This is Alexander. And when he was four and came to camp, we asked him, we said, Alexander, have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? And he said, Hmm, I'm not sure. And we said, well, would you like to? And he said, yes. And well, who would you like to do it with? And all the bigger cousins raised their hand.

Me, me. They wanted to be the ones. And he looked around and he said, no, Poppy. So he said to his grandfather, I want to do it with you. And Poppy said, well, where would you like to do it? And he said, outside in the hammock. So they went out into the hammock and Alexander asked Christ into his life and they came back in.

As they came back into the room, all the cousins stood up and clapped. Wow. What a powerful thing.

So powerful because it's so natural. You know, it's not awkward. That's a great thing. There's so many great things about being grandparents, but is the awkwardness sometimes goes away because it's a generation removed.

Yeah. And I love your enthusiasm and it comes, it pours out of every pore in your body. You know, you're, you could tell you are very excited about being a grandmother and with great intentionality. And that's, what's so wonderful about it.

And everybody can kind of add their unique spin to this. That's what's wonderful. But the intentionality is what's really captured me and man, this is, this is really good Susan. You've done a fabulous job.

You know, we've made a lot of mistakes. I love going right back to the messy house on day one, the first time you did it. That's exactly what Jean, my wife would do is to clean the house spic and span. Then all these grandkids come over and destroy it within minutes. And, and the idea of it's all lost at this point. The other really important thing I'm hearing from you is expectations are very light.

All the kids don't have to come to Christ. They're not, you're not lining them up saying, okay, you have to, it's not weird in that way, but it's just family. It's family aiming for the right things. Right. And everybody's coming along and you have a schedule and we post the schedules, but then you have to be willing to throw anything out in any moment that doesn't seem appropriate.

Yeah. Well, listen, grandparents, if this is striking a chord with you, which it should again, I wish I were in that category, not there yet, but um, man, get ahold of us. If you can make a gift of any amount, we'll send you Susan's book, Cousin Camp as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry.

And it's chock full of great ideas on what to do with your grandchildren. And Susan, thanks for all the effort of putting that together. Oh, well thank you for having me.

Yeah. Thanks for being here. This is good. You're full of energy. It's fun to watch you.

Oh, well thank you. And you're a proud grandma, which is a good thing. I'm a thankful grandmother. Well, donate to the work of Focus on the Family today and help us inspire other grandparents and families to have close connections and to develop faith. We've been at this for a long time, Jim, and our listeners and viewers provide the fuel that allows ministry to happen. So please join the support team today with a monthly contribution or a one-time gift of any amount. We'll say thank you by sending a copy of the terrific little book by Susan, Cousin Camp, a grandparent's guide to creating fun, faith, and memories that last.

Give us a call, 800, the letter A in the word family, or stop by the show notes. We've got all the details there. And coming up on Monday, powerful ways to bring more peace to your life. And that is probably one of the most powerful statements to hit to the why. Why is somebody being rude?

Why are they honking at you? If we can go to the why, then we can see the humans involved in it and lead with compassion. Thanks for listening today to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. God wants true disciples, ones that think like him, talk like him, walk like him, disciples that bring shalom to the chaos of this world. Pursue that path with the RVL Discipleship Series. Bible scholar, Ray Vanderlaan will give you the tools to understand the Bible more deeply and inspire you to be a passionate follower of Christ. Watch the first episode at rvldiscipleship.com.