I would say that the best thing about being a newlywed is the fact that you never have to leave the person, but that your love grows and grows.
The best thing for us is experiencing life in a new way in the new chapter with a companion and with my best friend alongside me doing life together. One of the best things about being newly married for me is having someone to help with the yard work because I hate mowing the lawn, and so it's nice to have a husband who helps with that. Well, from the romantic to the practical, we'll be talking with Bill and Pam Farrell today about how to make the most of those early years of your marriage. Welcome to Focus on the Family with your host, Focus President Jim Daly.
I'm John Fuller. John, I love those comments from newlyweds because it is such a special time for a young couple, but it can also be fraught with a lot of emotional landmines. And we're coming back to a really great interview with Bill and Pam Farrell about this critical time in a relationship, and we wanted to air it again because it was so helpful.
Yeah, Bill and Pam do such a great job of sharing their highs, their lows from their marriage, and they really offer some wise advice about dealing with various situations. And as we jump into the content, Jim, why don't you repeat a story that you told the Farrells at the beginning of her time together about the first nine months of your marriage to Jean? Well, we had a really unique situation, and I don't know if I'd recommend it to anybody. We went on a nine-month working honeymoon as the technical team for a drug and alcohol prevention program at high schools across the United States, I think 17 states. So we traveled from school to school, town to town, and put on this production. And of course, we were together all the time, 24-7.
It was just the two of us. So when we were done for the day, Jean, the introvert would say, you know, I'm going to the grocery store to pick up a few things, and I would say as the extrovert, hey, let's go together. And she'd be like, no, that's okay, I just need a little time. Oh, my.
She just wanted a little alone time. I get that. And the good news is that you have worked through that kind of thing, and you've been married for what, over 30 years now, I think, right? Oh, yeah. And I think 35, actually.
Awesome. And I think, you know, I figured it out soon enough. And I got to say, those early years are so critical in understanding one another. And that's going to be the focus of Bill and Pam's book called The First Five Years. Make the love investment that lasts a lifetime. It really is an excellent resource for any younger couple.
So get your copy. We've got the link in the show notes. Well, let's go ahead now and get into this focus on the family conversation with the Farrells, and they really wanted to hear more about this working honeymoon that you have, Jim. Welcome back to Focus on the Family. Thanks. It's great to be here. Yeah, Jim and John, it's good to be back with you. And those trips to the store, they probably were lengthy shopping trips, right?
More than five or ten minutes? Oh, no. Wandering the hall.
Well, the problem, I was so dense, I didn't even get it until later. I was feeling rejected. My wife of a few weeks or months didn't love me. She wanted to be alone. Why would you want to be alone? I'm an extrovert. I love being with people. And being the introvert in our relationship, I get that.
There's times I just need a break from the action to regroup. But it did, you know, this is a good place to start because it did really rock our world a little, but we didn't have the maturity to even talk about it. We just kind of had questions in each of our minds. And it's a great point because we go into a marriage assuming the other person is like us. Right. And they love us completely. Yeah. Has the same needs. Has the same approach to life. Has the same way of recovering.
Likes to do a lot of the same things. They just look different than we do. And once you get married, you start to realize, wow, I really did marry somebody different than me.
Which is good that those opposites attract. I mean, we don't need another of us. We need that complement that God has created. Well, let's talk about that big question, which is, what is God's design for marriage?
And why did he do it this way? Right, exactly. So one of the opening lines in the first five years is your marriage is designed by God, your unique creation as a team. God brought you together for a reason. And what Bill and I have seen is if you really believe that God brought you together as a married couple for a reason, then that's a bigger reason than my personal happiness or like you're kind of making me mad today.
So I'm like so out of here. But if you feel like, you know, there's a bigger purpose here and we're called as a team so we can accomplish that purpose. You know, I'm willing to put up with a lot of idiosyncrasies in Bill and vice versa. He's willing to put up with some stuff in me because we're called to make a difference as a team.
And there's something, you know, noble about that. But how do you is that early, you know, newly married couple, how do you find that kind of wisdom? Because you're, you know, you're younger. You haven't had life's experiences the way the two of you. How long have you been married? Thirty four years. Thirty four years. So you guys have had a lot of, you know, a lot of life's experiences. You've learned, you've written books about how to how to create a marriage that works.
But again, if Jean and I were twenty five, talk to that person about how to find that foundation because what you said, Pam, the way that probably 80 percent of that group's going to react. Yeah, I'm not happy today. What's wrong with that? He's making me unhappy. And that's not ungodly.
Why is he doing this to me? Right. You know, we have newlyweds in our family and they have already grasped this purpose that God's called them together for a reason. And one of the ways that they did that, I mean, of course, they grabbed great mentors. They have a host of mentors, not just Bill and I, but they were smart enough to go get mentors. And one of the things that they learned is, you know what, there's something unique about us. So I am a strength coach and we met around athletics. And so Fellowship of Christian Athletes is a good place for us to be plugging in as a newlywed couple. Like what's unique about us? They stopped to ask that question and they're starting to find their way as a ministry couple and in a marriage.
And so it's fun to see them figure out who they are. When they got married, a part of their vows was they wanted to be strong. He's a strength coach.
He lifts weights. So they wanted a strong love. And so just knowing their word that kind of reflects who they are, that's kind of a fun thing to have hanging in your house. You know, what word would describe us and our love? Well, that I mean, that is ideal. But I think young couples learn it by asking other people because do we really expect young couples to have the wisdom you're talking about?
You know, we live in a world where we just think it's magic. You meet the right person and suddenly you just know how to do all this work. And Pam and I discovered by accident that you really learn this from other people.
Because when we got married, we both came from homes that were not real healthy, right? And we didn't want to repeat that. And we had heard if you focus on what you don't want to be, you will become that. Wow.
So I think about, okay, but where I go from there, I was just kind of lost in the process. I was enamored with Pam. I thought she was the most beautiful thing that ever hit the face of the years. And I'm like, well, I hope love is enough because she's just awesome. She just sat up really straight in her chair. The physical response to that was a good word.
I think she just blossomed when you said that. But beyond that, I was like, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do here. Let's turn it back.
We got to connect with a little bit of real here. The first five years of your marriage, you're not going to get away without us croaking it. I'm sure it wasn't perfect. Oh no.
It's like so not perfect. In fact, you have like a Christmas story that I know about. I want others to hear this. You had a humorous Christmas story.
What happened? You know, we went home after our honeymoon. We had a second reception. So we're really newlyweds. So you just married. We're talking a weekend.
Yeah. And so I went back to my hometown and we're staying with my mom and my grandparents give it this wonderful party. And Bill met probably 70 relatives. Bill went from having four people he was related to, to like 74 people in one day. So he was a little overwhelmed.
A little overwhelmed. Did you win the lottery or what happened? My family was just very isolated because my mom was afraid of people and my dad broke with his side of the family. My mom broke with her side of the family. So we didn't do relatives. And we're all about family on my side, you know, food, family.
And so we're getting ready to go to a big family Christmas thing. And I, a really innocuous statement asked about which shoes I should wear. And everybody in my family gave an opinion and it became a crisis because whose opinion do I listen to?
I mean, the Bible says I'm supposed to leave and cleave. And Bill's opinion on shoes is different than my mom's opinion on shoes. And I have to make a big decision right now on who's, I may start crying.
Yeah. And it was that bad. So total meltdown because I thought, my mom's been through so much. I want to honor my mom and it's so hard on her. But then, you know, I have to take a stand.
I'm a newlywed and I need to line up with my husband. So I just started to cry, went to the other room and Bill came in and he's like, it's okay. It's okay. And my mom's like, it's okay.
It's okay. Where are his shoes? Where are his shoes? She was smart enough to know.
This is a leave and cleave moment. And of course, in my mind, I'm thinking we're doing this over shoes. And I'm smart enough to know, don't say anything right now. Yeah. Okay. See, you're a young man of unusual wisdom. I wasn't that smart. He was like, what will help you, Pam?
What would be the most helpful? Yeah. But every fiber of my being is saying, Solve, is this a simple thing? Shoes, man. I mean, we're crying over shoes.
What's the reason? Welcome to Mary's. In fact, the subject of leaving and cleaving, it's a good one. It's one of the most difficult things that a young married couple experiences and they need to get it right.
And your example of the right thing for the man to do is a good example. Let's hear a clip from another worried person about what to do. My mother-in-law drives me crazy because she calls my husband every single day just to chat. And I just wish that my husband would talk to me that much. And so it's really frustrating for me because I feel like he talks to her more than he wants to talk to me.
So what am I really supposed to do about setting those kind of boundaries with he and I and our relationship? Wow. I mean, there's a big one. That is a pattern. It is.
It's a good way to describe it. What would you say to that young married woman? Well, and her true feelings were not that the mother-in-law calls and talks all the time. It was, I wish my husband would talk to me that much.
That's the real statement in there. What has to happen there? How does she begin to address this with her husband? What does she need to say? How does she need to say it so that it doesn't alienate her from her mother-in-law? Right. Right. Because Amela is probably her best advocate in most cases.
So it's just an adjustment that needs to be made. But this is a conversation she has to have with her husband before it just builds up into resentment and explodes in an ugly way in an argument like, you know, love me. You only love your mom.
And yeah, that's all bad. And so if she could simply sit down and say, okay, I value your mom. She's made you a wonderful, godly man. And I so appreciate the fruit of what your parents have put in your life. So because of that, I long for more time with you.
And how can we work it in? It seems like you have a natural way of talking with your mom several times a day. I would love for us to figure out what that's going to look like in our new relationship. So could we sit down and figure out how we can connect on a really good level with our time together? And you know, when you come with an attitude that's not against anybody else, but for all of us, it usually will turn into a winning conversation.
It's when you start blaming that the fireworks go off. You know, it points to something that is so true in marriage. And I've said this many times, when you look at marriage, you know, to me, this life is a metaphor for the spiritual life, what God intends for us.
So he could have created a way that we could reproduce without anybody else, the animal and insect kingdom do it. But he decided, no, we're going to put two people together, and they're going to really rub the selfish edges off of each other. And it's almost like God is wanting us to learn something very godly through our union as man and woman. And one of those things is selflessness.
And what I hear you saying that Pam is how she can uphold the value of her mother-in-law in that relationship, but teach her husband how to connect with her. And it's so critical. So often, when we get bumped, what's in us spews out. And if we haven't prepared ourselves in a godly way, in a spiritual way, reading the word, ugly things can come out. Well, your point is so well taken, Jim, because we love to teach about selflessness. We like to talk about selflessness. We don't actually like to be selfless. And marriage forces selflessness upon us.
Because it's a hard answer to this young lady. She obviously cares about her marriage. She obviously wants to have a really strong relationship with her husband. But the hard message to her is she needs to not compete with her mother-in-law. That her job is to captivate her husband, not compete with her mother-in-law. And if she falls in the trap of trying to change his behavior, she's in a position she cannot control. And it reminds me of a story that actually led to the first chapter in our book the first five years.
We call it Get in the Game. Because this guy brought his wife into my office and obviously cared about his relationship, cared about the marriage. But he fell into the trap that so many people fall into. He sat her down in my office and started telling her who she needed to be.
You need to do this. The Bible says you need to do that. And if you'd only listen to God about this. And honestly, between all of us, intellectually, he was probably correct on a lot of things. There were probably some things she needed to change. And he was probably saying some of the right things. But the way he was saying it, and the position he was taking it, wasn't working.
So speaking truth without love. Yeah. And I'm praying, okay, how do I break through to this guy? And I knew he was into sports. So I finally just stopped him. I said, you know what, you're not even in the game. You're like that guy that's sitting in the stands, yelling at the referee, yelling at the coach.
You're not even on the field. I said, so you have a decision to make. You either need to decide you don't want in the game at all, or you're going to learn how to be a true husband.
Play by God's rules. So get out of here and you call me again if you want to get in the game. And I'm not sure what's going to happen at this point. But two weeks later, he called me, he said, okay, Bill, I want to get in the game.
I want in the game. And he came back to my office saying, I obviously don't know how to do this. So would you teach me how to be a husband? And that was the attitude that turned their whole marriage around.
They went from having divorce papers to having a happy marriage. You're onto something here, Bill and Pam, that I think we should explore a little bit more. And that is those natural differences.
I found them so endearing, those things that she did. I mean, there are so much alike. There are some fundamental design differences here. And we have an audio clip that kind of explains a little bit of the difficulty that we have encountering those and really embracing those differences.
All right. So my wife comes up to me and she's super emotional, and she just starts talking to me about these things. I have no idea where she's going with the conversation. And I try to help her out by providing solutions, but she, she just gets mad at me.
How do I deal with that? So what's the difference? And how does he approach that? Yeah, that sounds a lot like our bestseller men are like waffles and like spaghetti. Yeah, we women tend to be very verbal jumping from subject to subject to subject In rapid fire. Oh, yeah. You know, that book got its title because of a couple like this man came up to Bill in the gym. He said, Bill, can I bring my wife in? I think she's broken. I'm intrigued.
That's a daring first start. I'm intrigued. So I said, absolutely. Bring her in. So they came in. She's probably the most verbal woman I've met to this date.
So they sat down in my office. He looked at her and went, go ahead. And so she talked from subject to subject to subject to subject to subject for 55 straight minutes. Oh, and when halfway through that, he looked at Bill like, she does this all the time. Like, I think something's wrong with her.
She just goes on all the time. And Bill said, okay, you just need to listen. So he taught him some active listening skills. And so she hopped from subject to subject for 55 minutes.
And then she leaned back and she said, wow, that was really great. I mean, he really listened to me. Okay. And if I'm like spaghetti, you said that women travel and make connections. And if I'm like spaghetti, then what's he like? And I said, well, you know, we're done for today, but we'll meet in a couple weeks.
I'll let you know. Yeah, right. That's a counselor's way of saying I don't know the answer, but I'll find out. And my boys were making toaster waffles in between those two meetings. And I went, I think that might work, because I was looking for a guy way to explain this. And guys like food.
So I figured it probably would work. And I explained to them that men compartmentalize their thinking. We really like to break life down to one issue at a time. That's why we're problem solvers. Like the guy said, I want to give her solutions like that. That's a sincere, motivated response from a guy. We really do want to give solutions. We want to break things down, give an answer, create a plan to move forward and be heroic. That's our brain chemistry.
That's what we want to do. And so I explained it to this couple. And I told her, okay, it's his turn to talk this week. You cannot change subjects. And it was really hard for her.
Like six times in that meeting, I had to stop her and said, you can't go there. That's not the subject. Back to this box.
Right. And so when we get married, we don't realize that we've married somebody very different than us. And we have to learn new communication skills. But in your first five years of marriage, how do both the man and the woman learn to complement this rather than critique it and criticize it?
How did they really hard take a deep breath, because it probably creates the greatest amount of conflict because you're not communicating and you start shutting down? Like I remember we're sitting in our living room. We're having a nice conversation. And I said something.
To this day, I still can't tell you what it is that I said. But I got this incredible reaction from Pam. She just jumped out of her chair, ran to our bedroom.
You don't love me anymore. Slam the door. Look back to see if he'd followed me.
It sounds like Pam remembers what you said. And I'm thinking, first of all, what just happened? And then what am I supposed to do? Like my dad never told me marriage was going to be like this. One guy said, yeah, run, Forrest, run. And I was where a lot of guys are. We're like, well, what do I do now?
Yeah. Like my wife just gave us emotional outburst. And in my mind, I'm thinking, do I follow her into the bedroom and try to repair this? Or should I sit here in the living room and outlast this behavior that looks really bad to me?
Maybe she just needs space. Right. And I'm totally guessing.
And you're wrong either way. Exactly. I learned that lesson.
Exactly. One time I stayed back. Why didn't you come in and talk with me? And the next time it was, why'd you come in? I'm still angry at you. So the guy's going, oh man, this is a lose-lose proposition.
Rock hard place. Yeah. Well, and as men, we need to learn that women process. They don't always need answers.
They process. And they're connecting life. It's one of the main ways that women build trust is they connect their life to the person they think is important. Yeah. Is it a, do we need to fix something or is it a uh-huh conversation? And what that means is, oh, uh-huh, oh baby, yeah, uh-huh. We just want empathy and sympathy. Can I speak for the guys for just a moment?
Please. Because when we get married, women think guys know this. Because all our girlfriends know, I'm just upset, I just need to talk, oh okay, you just go inside. As guys, we don't know that.
We don't have that compartment built yet. We need to be told. And so many women get offended, well, well, if he really understood me, he wouldn't need to be told. He would just know. Yeah. And I tell wives all the time, no, just tell him, just tell him what you need. Because she's thinking it's a measure of how much you love me and care for me that you would know this without me having to describe it to you. Exactly.
You should just read my mind. And he's going, what? See, but as guys, like Jim, if we're friends growing up and you're all upset like that, I just tack you to the ground and give you a newbie until you're doing better. Right. Right. I can't bring that skill into marriage. Right.
It's called being arrested. Yeah, that's right. Hey, listen, you know, we're talking about that. Women can struggle to understand the way your husband thinks and his ego. I think if it's trying to communicate with your wives, if that's the male shortcoming, on the female side, she may not fully understand how much a guy needs to be appreciated. That's right. Yeah. And that's one of our great weaknesses.
Pam, how can you help a young married woman understand the ego needs appropriately of her husband? That's great. Because it's right on the surface. You know, I discovered really early in our marriage, we were at a party and it was, you know, like a backyard barbecue kind of thing, but there was music playing and Bill's like a really good dancer. And so he's, you know, whisking me around the floor and he does this big dip move, super romantic and all where Neely was, you know, everybody's staring at us.
It's wonderful. Then he drops me on the floor. Drops you?
Yeah. And so I'm laying on the floor. I'm like, why am I on the floor, honey? And he said, I just ripped my pants. And I got up and I looked, I'm like, oh, you guys, I spun him around and I thought it was funny. All of our friends thought it was funny. Bill did not think it was funny.
And I was really, really, really quiet right home. And I realized that day, probably not a good idea to criticize your husband in public. It's not even really great idea at home when nobody's around, but it's a really bad idea to make him look bad in public. And it's that whole male eco thing, you know, and one of the things that a newlywed wife can do to do herself a favor is to help her husband look good to the people that matter in his life.
You know, help him look good to his boss and his family and, you know, his friendship circle and those buddies on the ball field. You know, it's okay to brag on your man. Now, Pam, a lot of women, I think, I'm just sensing it may be cringing at that because it just feels phony, right? And it doesn't, you know, man, if he, if he doesn't know who he is as a man, how am I going to help him as his wife?
But what you're saying is so true. We're kind of fragile, aren't we, us guys, three sons, they are much more fragile than you think. You know, these three strong athletes, they look like they could be Superman, any of them, but their hearts are still tender like a little boy's, you know, bringing you a little flower when he's five years old, looky mommy. And if you don't give him that attention, he's gonna be crushed. That's what's deep, deep, deep, deep down in the heart of your man is that sweet spirit. And I think that's why men appreciate wives and why they want to get married to a wife is that somewhere deep down, there's this wonderful little boy that he loves when his heart is cherished. And that's why God gave women to men in marriage is that's our special role. Well, the time always goes so quickly whenever we get a chance to talk to Bill and Pam Farrell, and we'll continue this conversation next time on Focus on the Family.
John, they are such a fun couple, and I really appreciate what they shared today. I think the most important point is that we are all naturally selfish and selfish people don't miraculously become selfless when they get married. And part of God's design for marriage is to help us become more like Christ by putting us together to smooth out those sharp edges. In Ephesians 4 to the Apostle Paul encourages us, and I'm paraphrasing here to bear with one another in love with patience, humility and gentleness. That's a great place to start in your marriage.
I would agree. It's not always easy though, which is why I so appreciate what the Farrell shared about finding a mentor couple. That can be so helpful at any stage of your relationship.
We all need to help each other, and that's why Focus on the Family provides so many resources. We don't want you to do marriage by yourself, so please come visit our website and discover what we have for you. And I'd recommend starting with our free marriage assessment, which will help you identify the strengths of your relationship and maybe a few weaknesses, things to work on. Then you can start going to work on those weaknesses with a huge selection of marriage articles, devotionals, and by listening to our Focus on Marriage podcast. And remember, you can always get a free call back from one of our Caring Christian Counselors as well.
Yeah, we are here to help, and we've got all the details in the show notes. And if you believe in marriage and would like to help other couples, please consider joining our team with a monthly pledge. Any amount, large or small, helps us develop tools and resources to help marriages and families thrive in Christ. And when you make a pledge of any amount, I'd like to send you a copy of the Farrell's book, The First Five Years. Get a copy for a young couple in your life, and if you can't make a monthly commitment right now, we get that. We'll send the book out to you for a one-time donation of any amount. Just call 800, the letter A in the word family.
800-232-6459, or follow the link in the episode notes to donate to the work of Focus on the Family and request your book. If you enjoyed today's broadcast, please tell a friend to tune in next time. The Farrell's will be back, tackling more issues that tend to crop up in those early days of marriage, like this one. So I've only been married for a few years, but my husband seems to be obsessed with video games. He feels like he spends more time doing that than he does with me or our two-year-old son.
How can I get him to recognize that he's addicted to this? On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us for this Focus on the Family podcast. Take a moment or two, please.
Give us a rating and share about this episode with a friend, maybe a young married couple in your circle of influence. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. Oh, hey, Mike, got here as soon as I could.
What's going on, man? Hey, I just wanted to give you an update on my marriage. Is it good news? Yeah. Our marriage is going great right now. I couldn't be happier. Dude, that's awesome. Yeah.
It's like a solid five out of ten. Having a marriage that's just okay isn't where couples really want to live. Give yourself and your spouse an all-inclusive weekend where you'll slow your pace and focus on each other. Get more details at focusonthefamily.com slash getaway. That's focusonthefamily.com slash getaway.
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