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February 1, 2021 5:00 am
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Good parents aren't perfect and that's okay but there are ways you can grow every day. Focus on the Family seven traits of effective parenting assessment gives parents an honest look at their unique strings plus some areas that could use a little help every mom and dad can help raise the next generation of healthy children and responsible children in this assessment will help get you started. Take the assessment of focusonthefamily.com/7 traits that's focusonthefamily.com/7 trade when you become a secure connector you're going to be able to really emotionally engage with your kids their feelings.
I cannot overwhelm you.
You're going to be able to help them or what to do with those difficult emotions that we all face guilty of the same now that's the kind of relationship you want right. Every parent wants that to interact with your children in healthy loving ways instead of frustration and conflict and stress as encouragement from K your coverage, who along with her husband Mylan has developed a profound way of understanding how we relate to each other about the marriage and in parenting and how we can learn to be more emotionally healthy in those relationships in the your coverages are our guest today on Focus on the Family your hostess focus president and author.
Jim Daly and John Fuller John one of our primary goals or focus is to help strengthen and support families. I hope that's obvious that's what we do day in and day out on this broadcaster website. Our counseling team and with all the resources that we've highlighted through the years.
That's why we want to highlight the work of benches and their love styles concept again today. Many of our listeners are familiar with the love styles and Mylan K had been among our most popular gas because so many of you have found this concept to be transformative in your relationship with your spouse, but it also works with your children, and a few years ago we recorded a great conversation with Mylan and Kay about their book how we love our kids the five love styles of parenting and this is good stuff and it help Gina with our boys and John I'm sure you and Dena found it helpful is what it really is so good. We keep referring to it as time goes on, and that's why were coming back to this is really wonderful content. We recommend you check out the your coverages book and many other resources we have for you and your family.
The links are in the episode notes Mylan and K. Your conviction are counselors, authors, radio hosts and speakers and Jim. Here's how you started the conversation with them on today's episode focus on the welcome back and thanks for having us work cited up in your hate before we talk about those styles, the love styles of parenting. What's the purpose of parenting when you look at it and strip it all away when my trying to do as a dad or mom.
I think were trying to help children have an amazing picture of who God is. Yes parents, we are the first taste. A child has of what someone is like is bigger than me what's in authority like what's a comforter like and I think if we really invest in our parenting were giving our children an amazing picture of who God is. I think the goal parenting is to teach our children how to regulate your mind will and emotions that sounds a lot harder.
I think about it for second.
You know baby cries a mom and a dad gives comfort the child finds relief happens thousands of times in the first year of life sucking your life all the way through the formative years, the child expresses needs the parents meet that need, and the child feel some comfort and what it does is it teaches the child to be able to regulate be able to delay gratification be able to self soothe the drabble to trust others like to authority figures and go to somebody want them in trouble as well as to be able to control my impulses and so the parent will think of this, but a parent really is a regulator of the child who interned then is able regulate themselves will let's talk about those styles within our children. We mentioned him. Of course in the program. We did on marriage, but that put them now into the parenting context.
What are the five styles while working to talk about the avoid or the pleaser the bath later in the controller and the victim and I was the avoidant parent coming into motherhood, and of course I didn't know that for the first 15 years, but I grew up in a home that dismissed emotions and that taught me that I if I had a feeling I was to not show it as I cried.
I was to go to my room and figure it out on my own and so without realizing it. In my early parenting when my kids cried.
I told him fine and it was near, not an opportunity to go in and comfort and sometimes of course that's an appropriate thing to say but it was how we said right and so I really didn't see emotions as something to develop an something to help a child name and help a child regulate. I thought, emotions or something to get rid of this. So that's the avoid are one of the others, while you have the pleaser the best later in the controller and victim. I was the pleaser parent and so I was distressed by my child's distress, if my child was agitated.
I get agitated then ID toothpicks as quickly as possible and so I would try to make them happy or divert them or be funny or have fun why because I didn't like K want them to be in negative emotions because those negative or difficult emotions would stress me. So instead of empathizing with them instead of listening to them. I would want to fix them quickly and make it all go away. So talk to avoid or pleaser. Vasodilator is an excellent talk about that vasodilator parent. What what do they look like the vast later. Parents probably one of the most idealistic parents.
They come in the parenting really wanting to be best parent that ever existed and they want to have the best kids that are an amazing reflection on them and so of course kids don't always quite follow that plan. Do they sell for the vast later. They really like intense connection. They can feel so they really like the baby stage a lot because that kid is really just so now I and in an endearing and adoring of them. You can cut their hair. Anyway you can total all authority no matter what you write and sell for the vast later parent the twos and the teams are really hard because that's when the child says no I don't like you. I don't want to do what you say and the vast later often takes this as rejection and so the vast later. Parent is sort of in and out.
They are preoccupied often so they can be great parents when there really truly fully present but there's many times to wear their preoccupied their mulling something over and they're not present for their kids. It sounds like they're either hot or cold out there and there out the hot to cold weather things that have if I might is the reason that there idealistic and the reason that they want their child to perform well. Save the shame factor where if they're embarrassed or they feel like they don't look good of the child is not making them look good. They get very embarrassed and humiliated and then that is really a big factor to them and so they wanted then correct the child are correct that the place for that child did that school the teacher the sports team shames a very piece of the best large disciple jumped immediately to Little League I vasodilator are there Little League umpire exactly they're the ones that are going out. The umpire cutter.
I said to the lady the other day at the Little League game. She was just rack in the umpire and I said do you know him. She says no I said, the way you're talking to. My thought maybe you knew him or something. She said do you think I shouldn't be saying this I said look, fuzzy umpire you'd be my worst nightmare, and I said this is lady because she was really ragging on the sky not pleaser anymore so you like that and she stopped and she goes so maybe you shouldn't do that. It was just one of those moments where you are absolutely right, that wasn't the right call. So on the call. Let's avoid or pleaser vasodilator talk about controller parent that sounds obvious, but what what are the adjectives that describe the controller one a controller parent grew up in a home where they were controlled there's trauma and the history of this parent and so when they become apparent. It's very hard for them to identify with the baby and a toddler and a little kid and really remember what was it like to be a kid because they survived by cutting it off or getting it and never ever again do I think about the past so no little kids are bundle of feelings and needs, and this was something that the controller in his own home growing up her own home.
These needs were not not so it's very difficult for the controller parent coming from trauma to have any skills in their own parenting and they're constantly triggered by their kids crying and neediness effect in your book how we love our kids. You even said that the controller parent is an aggressive taker that that's an interesting description.
What is aggressive taker. What are they doing well for the controller.
The aggression is about. You have to stay in my box, and then I can relax when you look at the history of the controller. There was no box. It was a chaotic home anything when I mean there was trauma and so the controller controls to try and prevent that feeling of being out of control that they had growing up so the aggression is about keeping someone in the moment with in a place where they feel not threatened so often as we describe these.
There's a couple more will go to the second but children it's almost like this pendulum affect and I don't know if that's the Lord's way of keeping balance, but when parents have certain attributes that are negative, kids tend to have the opposite response to that when they grow up. Is that fair it doesn't happen every time. Yeah, I think you can kinda go either way you know you had a really angry parent, you might say will I'm going to be a really kind parent that interestingly enough, what we often find is that when that child, especially at the twos when there difficult. You know those things in your history are going to come back out. I've had so many little moms from preschoolers come up to me and say I'm trying so hard to be no apparent is not angry, but I have to admit I feel rage in my next question is what is your childhood difficult of the Holy See, yes.
And so it's like it seeks in there. It's just hard to control.
Okay, let's say we could avoid or pleaser vasodilator controller talk victim will the victims come out of homes where they have learned to tolerate the intolerable. They've been heard to been wounded and so they learn to live in circumstances that are absolutely untenable, but they learn to live there and so what happens is they walk into adulthood.
Her teenage years and they continue to live there.
I've been taken advantage of my whole life will look nothings know you want to take advantage of me while everybody else house you want to push me around. Tell me what to do while that's all I know how to do and so victims typically don't have a strong voice. Don't know how to say no, they don't know how to put up an arm and said you stop backup move away.
They can't do that and so assertiveness is really missing on their part. So what happens is is a re-victimized over and over and over throughout life. It's really a tragedy in our offices.
A lot of times what we do as we try to teach his people.
Assertiveness training in how to say no and how to have Hannah say don't come any closer. And that's a part of the process of learning to stop the madness and abused that smiling your convictions, describing how our different styles affect the ways we think and feel and Mylan and his wife Kate are our guest today on Focus on the Family and were talking about their book how we love our kids the five love styles of parenting and it certainly recommend to get a copy of that link is in the episode notes and now more from a conversation with your convictions on Focus on the Family and then lastly as we talk about avoid or pleaser vessel later controller victim covered a lot of ground there for the discussion. The place we want to be a secure connector describe that while the secure connector is raised in a home where they learn to take their pain and their difficult emotions in the relationship. There's a wide range of emotions. Every motion is okay and are taught to manage those emotions appropriately as they grow up so when you become a secure connector you're going to be able to really emotionally engage with your kids their feelings.
I can overwhelm you.
You're going to be able to help them learn what to do with us difficult emotions that we all face will be of the same now as I can be a feeling of like why can't he know my kids won't like me.
So a secure parent brings a lot into the relationship they're coming from a place of strength as a parent and they're taking the skills that they've learned into their parenting near the Bible says that people can't really rise above the teacher and so what we had to do was we had to change ourselves as parents consider changing our kids. We really had a look at ourselves and say where are we lacking the secure connection. These traits where we need to grow up to be better parents well what you're saying very clearly as it starts with the parents don't blame it on your children's writing behavior issues. There are some yourself and your parents to pry find some answers there absolutely no rightfully having kids like all of us were born with independence. At some point, but that's manageable is that what you're saying. That is what I'm saying. Okay, let me give you an example, maybe you can determine for me this literally just happened this morning so I go to the pantry I find for empty boxes in the pantry. Write a cereal box a Triscuit box, a protein bar box and I took them out and put them down on the floor and then the boys eventually woke up and I said to the boys. Whoever took the last one out of each of these boxes. I want to throw it away. What turn of this whole discussion not to get so angry that I got no I'm saying this very plainly. I just want you throw the box away because I'm not the pantry cleaner and taken the last item out of the box throw the box away and I mean it literally.
It looked this whole discussion about advising guys.
It's not about how I'm asking you to get it done.
I'm telling you you're not doing your fair share. If you taken the last item out of the box and leaving it in the pantry. Note there you go you get angry again. You guys you already done it had not throw the box away and the Troy particularly was just really really wanted to go with me on this fight me on the list. Troy 13 oh well I was going to guess, I think you got continue to what what's happening and that dynamic wires are getting it where they went to the left-hand danger just listen to teenagers don't listen because they are on the cusp of coming from childhood into adulthood and their brains are undergoing this massive transformation where they are actually pruning circuitry in the brain and laying down new pathways, which makes him very squarely. It's like construction projects on the freeway so there challenging to work with what I challenge parents to do and what we we encourage all parents to do when we get in the teenage years is less than the amount of rules in the house and work it down to three things which your illustration clearly brings up number one. I want my teenagers to really know what perspectives I want to know what it means to be responsible and I want them to know what it means to be productive now empty boxes have to do with all of those not respecting the household. You see, and I'm not being respectful to the rest of the people in house.
I'm not been responsible.
If I ate this last one to throw away. Maybe put on the Cosco list enough productive to figure out how to make this homework.
These are the three things I want teenagers to get to know and then personally absorbed as as values rather than having tons of rules so they get the larger concepts yeah you know another thing that that comes to mind as you can come from brokenness.
You know you come from pain and one of these attachment issues were talking about, but that doesn't give you the right to be a bad parent. Well, sometimes we can make an excuse rather than grow in Christ. We then tried to leave ourselves there.
This is how I am. Well, I think the best thing we can do is be a growing parent because we can't be a perfect parent but I do want my kids to say five years from now. No matter how old I am. My mom is different than she was five years ago and I want them to be able to observe growth in me. Not a thought about your son. Kids that are in the adolescent years a lot to point out what they think are the weaknesses in their parents and there is a little bit accurate. Okay, here we sell what you could say is I would love to have a discussion with you about how you think I'm angry and you know what kind of things do I do that make you feel like that. How do you feel when I'm angry. As soon as you fill the box away that you empty that now you keep bringing up dad your mad dad, you're mad to talk about that so that your inviting them to give you feedback on about your own behavior and I think what that does is if we work on our behavior while were asking their kids to work our kids to work on their think the more receptive it if I said to my son.
What would been a better way to address her on this topic. I came in on. Frustrated, let me tell you how I'm feeling. I come in. I'm looking for serial Triscuits and protein bars because that's what I have every morning for breakfast just Triscuit as he fell out. I just love to okay so so I'm looking for. How would you like me of to share that with asking so what or why do the bugs you know maybe it prints is dead. The purpose a person came at her mouth. I would've loved to have had her good morning is that's probably true to say so and so we have to ask him what will it make you feel like when you're around me and and we did that with our teenagers and asking them what you what's it like to be around me got FSW get me one of your own stories God given to me while I can think of, you know, I must have the opposite problem when my son became a teenager and got testy like that. I find myself just being almost speechless. You're the avoid or pay 90 of waiter parent and I know but when I looked at my own history.
My dad was pretty testy in an he could get angry and up to this point in this kids life.
He just been this happy kid and now the sun is turning into this angry And that can possibly around the man I'm really and you know I had an interesting growth journey there. II thought what's working here. What, why, why am I losing my voice and I realized my gosh this is reminding me of my dad and I never had a voice around my dad so one of the ways I went to my son and I said I'm having a hard time saying stop to you when you're really getting out line and I said I just figured out it has to do with my dad and I said I never had a voice around my dad's eyes and I'm in a be working on it but I want you to know it's not right where I'm at so I think we have to be aware his parents, especially when our kids are adolescent and weaknesses tell you, so you might as well own up to him and have open discussions like you know I I'm in a work on this. This is in a good qualities apparently need a parent that can say that's enough. Now how do I determine my children's style I mean we've described them, but how can I look at my kids and say okay there are vasodilator their pleas are there and avoid or bring question. I think the avoid her child is going to not ever want to tell you how they really feel they're not, want to go to vulnerable feelings, negative feelings, except for anger, though go to anger, but they are never going to ask or inquire or reveal their real feelings underneath.
What's going on inside. When would you see this about what age do these patterns begin to fall. Why think they can. You can see them as early as four and five and six years old and on into adolescence and childhood and adolescence.
It's a pattern of never addressing negative feelings and emotions, and that's why we must learn as parents to observe what is our child stress response right when they do when they're stressed, every time I avoid child distrust they withdraw. For instance, go to the room will also go start fixing things, doing homework and the whole house could be this wild place but they just shut down and closed off and are not participating in this home anymore on Michael Assem are you stressed right now is this home atmosphere stressing you and I think we must observe and then as parents we have to inquire and say okay I think you're stressed, I'm the parent I'm observing you every time you're stressed to withdraw so I want you to give me three feeling words off the feeling word list and tell me what's going on inside and they'll leave you alone.
And that's the avoid her child. That's the avoid her child.
I want to get them to access and start you know of retrieving I'm learning these feelings must not be confused with the introverted child who needs to recharge their batteries through withdrawal and K was both.
So I it was merely II had the avoid her and the introverted who would withdraw for various reasons. So it's important to find out. Would we outline this art in a book how we were kids, introverted child does not seem as important child right. Either way, you gotta pursue them. Either way, you have to pursue the of waiter, you have to pursue the introvert. They're not just going to tell you in the end I think we need to do for people to to look at that list will put a link on the website and they can go look at the various was because that's a good reference tool in the book of course has it so that's a good place to start. How we love our kids. We only talked about that.
Avoid her in their attributes that let's come back next time talk about the others and also some parenting techniques to help your child land that secure attachment place, which again is the goal you been listening to Focus on the Family Mylan and Kate your cribbage their book how we love our kids. Thanks so much for being with this. Let's come back next time he sounds great.
Thinking I really like that recommendation okay about our kids get busy in life and we can sometimes let those relationships slide and forget how quickly her children are growing up.
You're right that you never want to overlook the long-term relationship your building with your children. My boys are already on their way out of the nest and Jean and I are so blessed that we have a really great relationship with them as young adults. It's been fun to watch. We want the same thing for your family and we have some wonderful resources for your parenting journey. Things like your cribbage's book and our website you'll find a lot of encouragement there. We also have our free parenting assessment, which is so good it's easy to fill out, and it gives you a wonderful overview of what's working well in your family as well as some suggestions about ways to improve you. I really like to parenting assessment and you can learn more about that in a terrific book by Mylan K and other help when you call 880 family or click the link in the episode notes to learn more, John.
I'm so thankful for the focus friends who faithfully support our efforts to strengthen and save families together without your financial giving. We wouldn't be here to encourage struggling moms and dads. I'm reminded of a note we received recently from a listener will call Michelle. She wrote this. Your podcast came at the right time in my life. I'm a single mom of the soon to be eight-year-old daughter. Some mornings are pretty rough for us, with me feeling overwhelmed and fussing at her. I tell her all the things she's doing wrong and I feel bad about it afterwards. She feels bad to.
Sometimes I feel like the worst parent on earth but your podcast is so helpful and inspiring and I know you can help me do a better job in the future. It's good to know I'm not the only parent who struggling thanks for all you do that is so encouraging to hear John. That's the goal.
And again, a big part of this.
Thank you goes to you for your generous support of this family ministry and with your continued giving will be able to help a lot more parents like Michelle in the days ahead. I want to invite you to become a monthly partner with us your monthly pledge helps us better plan and allocate resources for families in 2021 working together. I know we can accomplish great things for God's kingdom. So can we count on your support today. I do hope so and contact us about a monthly pledge or even a one-time gift anything that you can contribute today will be greatly appreciated. In fact, when you make a gift of any amount to Focus on the Family today will say thank you for joining the support team by sending a copy of the your cribbage's book how we love our kids donate and get that book when you call 880 family or click the link in the episode notes and coming up next time we are more technical parenting help from Mylan K lifetimes and in our Christian homes. It's about correcting behavior and character in all that we don't stop and ask what was driving the bus on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ find fun for your kids. Just a click away the adventures in Odyssey club 8 to 12-year-old find trusted faith building entertainment is safe online club features almost every episode ever plus special monthly club only episodes in content and Focus on the Family clubhouse magazine subscription. Sign up today. Just go to AIL club.org/radio