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January 25, 2021 5:00 am
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The first of all, okay half of those just went really 52 short chapters guys don't be afraid of this one for every week is that a good number 52, because I write short quick ideas that will not be enough on the edge of this can look at these ideas as reminders little invitations to to make sure you answer your wife's world and tricks I've learned over the years, some very serious and some mostly hugs some lighthearted things just to say you don't want husbands not so terrible. Let's hope not. But let's talk about it.
You have a very positive view of marriage but you noted in your book that husbands and wives can begin to drift apart after a few years of marriage and in fact you've talked to men who are angry and bitter about that kind of drift what's going on in their marriages when they feel that drift what's happening.
Well my original personal ministries always been the dads working with the national Center for fathering. I got five kids of my own, and speaking to dad's and signing books for dads and I would have guys left me Horton and it wasn't there kids.
Although that was the motivation for coming to this event, they would say J my marriage isn't what I need to be. So I need to work on that and they would say I don't know what happened to the girl I married you want to grab him by the lapels and so you know what that girl he married, she's asking the same question she's sharing your banshees showing your kitchen. She's in your home. She's saying where did that boy go now.
Course women. They wanted a knight in shining armor, strong guy, but they also need that boy they married. Sometimes we get too far away from well it may just be relationship to women are strongly motivated toward relationship. Men can become loners. We can isolate ourselves, drift away to get back to that point though.
What is causing that drift and emerged your kids because the drift is the fact that we just taking for granted we need more intentional about being involved in the family and the kids and what are our bright needs personally that I can start an argument with my wife Rita. Every time I walk in the room. I could say things like hey did you know they opened up a women's fitness center down the road going on that one and will read out when did your mom's hair start going great well because the curiosity thing you know is a little gray hair and here's one that did you guys been a long time get you know those mugs you bought. They don't fit the dishwasher now we totally understand that because it was like guys saying sweetheart you don't mind the drugs but here's the point. No one knows our wives like we do. Jim nobody knows Jean like you do. John no one knows Deena like you do. So actually one of the chapters in the book I start with a list of things that my wife Rita likes things like fireworks and parades and babies and TV commercials with babies and scones and fresh flowers and fresh snow and frozen Cokes and drinking straws and craft magazines. These are expensive things you could give you the estimate was for your own lives and I pledge before everyone listening to Focus on the Family that I'm to make sure that Rita has one of these things are some of these things every week for the rest of my life.
This intentionality about the seat and these are expensive things, you know, Jim is is J sharing. I'm just thinking you were kind of hinting at the fact that routine gets in the way of me expressing as a husband to my wife how much I love her and it it really is true that when kids come or when your work along. It's pretty easy to take each other for granted just kind of do life together in your own separate ways and items business well and I so appreciate what you are saying and that is that I do know Deena better than anybody else and I just need to take some simple steps toward meeting her where she's at the say hey babe I love you well and that you could finish the sentence if I give her what she likes.
She will help most guys incident smile.
If I get what she likes most guys would say she'll give me what I like and that can't be a motivation.
Motivation has to be.
If I give her what she likes. It gives me joy as well. It goes back to Genesis. You know, the two shall become one.
We leave and we cleave if I give her what she likes. Even the little things that seem inconsequential. It gives her joy as well and guys you know want you two gentlemen sitting here in the rest the world. If this doesn't make sense get a yellow pad or open up new word document and make that little list of little things that your wife likes you go all I can do this J so often we get into our marriage relationships and we think it's a 50-50 proposition and that's not really true is that we need to be 100% on each side while exactly that as you leave and cleave and become one.
You can realize that there are seasons of life where husband these totally sacrifice himself for the sake of his life is going through tough time and vice versa wisely to cyclase +100% and it evens out over the course of a lifetime.
Of course, but Geisinger sometimes you have to say.
What does my wife need in the moments right and total self-sacrifice. You know so often I don't know if it's your selfishness, but guys can be really self-absorbed and we think we've given it all at the office. We've given it all at work were tired we get home we don't necessarily understand that it is a wonderful thing to give of yourself in that moment you've done something that I am very interested. You called Jay's winter chicken soup and I think it's funny but if I will post the recipe online about that except we got a try at some point but what would you do to help Rita. Just at the house. Well holy cow, I think about how many meals that my wife is made for our family and you could use more math on that and I thought about KFC or when I'm out barbecuing, so that doesn't count to go buy pizza that well that really think about the times that my wife is is called the family dinner with some that she's either spent 15 minutes on a couple hours on and the stunning that guys don't show our full appreciation of that and so silly me in the middle my book. I put a recipe for chicken soup which is goal distorted by 106 teller chicken rotisserie chickens is exactly right well right nearly my home you cuddled up in the little bites and you throw some noodles in there and some carrots and some potatoes and spice it up a bit now here's the problem though so many times guys will do that step up to help out around the house and is like Rita wears this pot we do we have the bouillon cubes. Rita, do we have the something else over here mega hit below the belt.
Well, now you're defeating the whole point and by the way guys if you do help around the house when he dealt with the vacuum with the vacuum away when you're done working the kitchen clean the kitchen up as guys we think were heroes. Well, guys don't ever use the word I'm babysitting my kids can be just drunk, it's your father and get well will write guys somehow think that there sacrificing their wants the kids there sacrificing help around the house, no guys that mean again hundred percent on percent now the only thing there's probably a lot of guys out there going man.
Here it is, were put in all the responsibility on the guys how they got to do their job better bettered Lotta guilt but that's not what you say well at all. This is just a matter of being part of a one-to-one relationship. Husband and wife are in this together kind of thing. Don't know why but again, back to the question. Originally, why do we as men get into that routine will become home tired, we've already played the tape recorder in our brain we just want to get in your comfy clothes.
Maybe read the newspaper or watch the news real quick, don't bother me. And then we wonder why we plop on the couch you know women these days. They work hard all day to whatever most of them would have been running outside the home exactly right. So husband and wife come home to both Dragon and the guy plops on the couch in the.
The wife has to run the house and probably make dinner. Again, these are traditional roles, but they still kind of unfold that way so nice when a man comes home from work instead of plotting like the couch. He turned to write and say hey what's going on tonight. How can I partner with you and this can help with this and she'll say I got it. Then you can plop on the couch. Maybe she'll say that what right do your violating your own role know what should you something to do and it's all the benefit of and be prepared to do it. I don't do it was motivation to want to pop want you know sometimes you won't get your big is it okay just to say hey hon, I had a really rotten day today do you mind absolutely. I hope hopefully she can say the same thing I'm assuming the lease.
My wife wants honesty letter. I want to be honest or not, really seeks that so you're saying it's okay just a little with runtime.
Of course, not 12 days in row or maybe 12 days in row, but the idea is coming home and saying how we parted together that J1 of the most controversial things we talked about on Focus on the Family is the roles in marriage. In this issue of submission.
Submission for probably good reasons has become really an ugly word and it shouldn't be you do something in your book 52 things wives need from their husbands. That was provocative. Really your thought that both husband and wife need to submit to one another.
Talk about that philosophy. Well, that's not my idea. That's biblical that submit to one another you talking about Ephesians 522 and any guy guys. I'm telling you now. Any guy who quotes Ephesians 522 out of context wives submit your husband's and says listen will you do this and preselect as a Neanderthal.
You know that the guys rope you don't.
But you know that the constable talk about wives, submit your husband yeah it's right here, but like so many portions of Scripture that I misunderstood. Take the whole thing in context. Backup one verse Ephesians 521 says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ and that whole line that whole Ephesians chapter 5 is really a formula for building a family which is the building block of society is not taking away rights. Ephesians chapter 5 it's filling each other's needs. No husbands. We need to take a leadership role. That's how God made us women need to be cherished and loved. That's how God made them.
And kids need direction they need to obey your parents, and a challenge to go home open up your Bible. Even today and read all of Ephesians chapter 5, and even into chapter 6 you'll see that it's really a formula for marriage. Husband's loving your wives as Christ loved the church and the wind submitted your husband it's it's really it's a good formula. It said something that boy if know to do that and suddenly I was working together. J you talk about another aspect in your book that I want to cover before we end and that is this area of spiritual leadership. I'm trying to take every opportunity I can to provide the kind of spiritual leadership. Talking about Scripture inculcating those lessons through the day, but I think at times Jean feels I'm not doing enough. It's it's kind of normal. Here I am the president, Focus on the Family, and I'm doing the best I can but even my wife said you might be fall short in that area to which I go wears the capacity mom. Well, yeah, that the book has all kinds of ideas in here and some longer chapters in shorter chapters.
One of the shortest chapters is wives in either husbands to be the pastor of your home and I stumbled across this little formula and its due model teach guys repeat after me out there do due model T's and it's this be the best Christian you can be let your family. See you be the best Christian you can be and teach them, help them do the same thing.
So pray for your own relationship that lets your kids and seeing pray model due model and then encourage them, teach them how to pray and seek forgiveness. When you mess up, due model, teach let you can see you as forgiveness and then teach them read the Bible sing praise songs volunteer don't curse meet with a small group do those things.
Let your family see you do those things. And then when time is right. Encourage them to those things.
So it's really how you live your life do the model and teach you that engenders an echo fear of the passage in Deuteronomy where were encouraged to note in all of life, not just in the special time we have a devotional as a family, which is hard when you're traveling or you have teenage kids and there's just a lot of scheduling issues I take comfort in knowing what you just said really I think is the fullness of that verse and it is don't segregate or compartmentalize your sewer to the life of your living. Let it be a natural part of your relationship with your wife and with your kids. That's doable. I mean that you said it yourself. I'm doing the best I can. I'm thinking that guys should take some comfort in knowing that it's a struggle for all of us and NJ. What you just said is pretty attainable. Well I think it's important for wives to understand how to react and that because a lot of wives feel when their husbands are not fulfilling that obligation.
They might leave a little note they might make a suggestion of bedtime you know honey I don't think you hit the mark today. I don't know how that conversation occurs. I just know that conversation occurs because guys are need to be able to say sweetheart, honey, how can I be a better dad.
How can I be a better invite the invite the input guys though don't want to ask because they're afraid of the answers come their way over. What's worse is though was that if the answers your wife has some she want to tell you and if you don't get that out of the table sometime that you can burn a hole in her heart and burn a hole in your Mac. I like J you referred to the same throughout the program today and that is this idea of invitation.
Ask your wife what can I do to help you. What could I do better in your eyes that takes a great deal of humility.
And I think you're onto something there because I think few of us men are willing to kind of open ourselves of that vulnerability and really want to hear that answer. Let's go back the whole idea leadership if you leave your home.
One of the great ways to lead is to ask your people who you are leading when it's in business and family. How can I help you. What can I do for you to make your job easier. What we need a little more coaching in that regard because that would it's okay tonight on the go home and I'm say to my wife what can I do for you tonight and she says something we react to it. How do we, coaches, and how to react to the thing when it it's not to go your way. She's good to say all that be great. Could you do this say I did mean that I did mean I was willing to do that well literally you have to be willing to do that. That's kind of the whole point of this whole thing is that you fight and is not a battle it Sunna are you against her kind of thing.
It's the partnership well.
The irony there is, and we do see this in glimpses as men and as husbands when you do these things well I would say to your point. When you do Ephesians 5 well. The irony is your wife blossoms your wife's love for you and her natural event to respect you and to love you comes into full blown it so often in Scripture is clear that as a person looks at our wife. They should build to see the health of armor either because no the continence of her face. Whatever, I think that's a great challenge for passing guys like challenges. So when you do walk into that restaurant. Do people see the smiling bride someone who looks happy and is happy to be with your investment. Oh yeah Jay. I think the bottom line message that I got from your book is have the Longview you know marriage you're going to go through seasons in your marriage were dry. I member one time.
I can't believe I'm saying this Regina you know I was getting ready. We had probably had a little serious discussion over some bicameral what it was.
And you know we were fuming a little bit. This is probably many years ago and the I member. I looked at her and I tend to want to make up quickly and how I love you and she looked at me and she said I love you but I don't like you. Right now the line of lines in it for addressable I want to be liked what I got there but I mean that's a typical discussion and argument in the marriage is well.
I think that you shouldn't be afraid of falling out of love. If you married 4050 60 years. There's going to be some seasons where you look at your your bride and say and where is that spark was that dad from the moment that we have with that boy kind of thing was that girl. But I come back.
You can't do a book on marriage without jumping into the love chapter 1st quickens 13 no love is patient, love is kind does not envy, but reading it in the context of a promise, guys.
You shouldn't be afraid of falling out of love.
You should expect it and then read first Corinthians chapter 13 as a promise. Love is patient, love is kind.
And then towards the end it protects. It always trust in hopes love perseveres.
Love never fails. So if you really can go back to wedding day. Those first few years of what you married and is like the love that the love, the passion, the commitments, the romantic love remember those times. Love perseveres, and I think if you made a promise just trust that you'll come out of the other end and say and 1.0 you'll say she's there's my love what you and I don't want people to hear when you're in that season to give up so is emotionally give up and be very comfortable in the corner of your life and not do the things that we talked about here that rekindle the relationship, so be lazy so much the opposite.
Look for opportunities to be intentional when you can get in the doldrums marriage that you expect so at unite in his appointment. If you expect to go through some tough times right then you not to panic.
During that unite in the fleet is not the first instinct is like I gotta get out of this thing will know, trust, love and come back. You know, Jim. We've had those kinds of moments in our relationship where I am Mr. let's get over it and she's looking at me like are you kidding tomorrow if we gotta talk this day I think I can enter a little bit like here and it's an uncomfortable place to be is a guy because I want to fix it and I can't and I just have to cut back off. Give her some space and say all right.
She doesn't particularly like me right now. I know she loves me but it does take some time doesn't it does and that's the key. And I think that's where Jay's alluding to hear continue to invest in your marriage and guys particularly. I think guys hold more power in this regard than we give ourselves credit for. And I think the Lord set that up very intentionally.
I think when were doing the right thing when were telling the garden in the right way and were watering seeds that we plant. It's amazing how your wife will respond. She is built for that response, and I think when we look at marriages today. I think a great deal of the harm that's being done and I'll decide it's the guys I knew, we are not doing the things we need to do with all the distractions of technology and job requirements and I'm you were letting all of those things rob us of what is our crown and that's our wife Jenny said you get a back way sometime and give herbut at that time you need to be re-reloading insane.
What can I do not spend lots of money. But you know what, let's go for walk sweetheart. Let's hold hands let's let's let's envision the future together. Let's remember the past. Let's envision the future do what friends do. Do lovers do. Do what you did when before you get married, do what you did when the kids were little. Again, be intentional about this the little things. And again, when a talking big money which talk about a little investment of what she likes what she wants. Well J pay Lightner you have done a wonderful job. 52 things wives need from their husbands. It does work out the one week, which is a good thing. But you have reminded us his men what we need to do to invest in our relationship with our lives in order to really honor the Lord first and foremost, and let me save you guys, this is something that can help you.
This instruction will help you to be the husband you really do want to be and it will help clear the distractions and concentrate on the right stuff in your relationship with your bride so J thank you for being with us. Her focus on Jim, thank you very much John thank you very much. What a privilege very encouraging conversation today on Focus on the Family, and Jim, I really appreciated Jay's message about how those little things that we do or can do every day really have a great impact in our marriage. That's right, John.
We think we need big romantic gestures like candlelight dinners or we can get away is probably occasionally that's good but what can you do or say to your spouse today to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. I'm reminded of all the positive comments we received from husbands and wives the first time this program aired one woman wrote this.
My husband works far away two weeks at a time, but he calls and text me to show his support because I work full time with a toddler, but it goes both ways. I make sure every day I build him up and honor him for the sacrifices he makes for our family and that's a good reminder John that our message today is not just for men. Wives need to be intentional about loving their husbands to and we also heard from a single man who wrote this this show is encouraging for those of us who've never been married about what to expect were not perfect people, we have to forgive one another and be proactive in our relationships on the future husband and the show has taught me how to keep a marriage alive and strong. We love getting feedback like that it really is good to know that were hitting the target for so many marriages. That's why Focus on the Family is here folks to help strengthen that relationship with your spouse and equip you to be a godly witness through your marriage for your family, friends and community.
We have lots of resources that can benefit you are counseling team are websites in this book by J. Contact us today to get your copy and if you send a financial gift of any amount to focus today will put a copy of this book 52 things wives need from their husbands into your hands and that's our way of saying thanks for partnering with us to strengthen marriages.
We hope will hear from you today. Her number is 800-232-6459.
That's 800 K in the word family or donate online. The link is in the episode notes and one other resource would like to mention Jim as our free online marriage assessment over a million people have taken this. It's a general overview of what's working well with you and your spouse along with some gestures about where you need to improve. Perhaps check that out on our website and coming up next time will turn our attention to why encouraging you to serve and bless your husband that when we look at the example of saving the entire time wanting were actually allowing the mining when we say that has been on behalf Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again. You and your family thrive in Christ. When a woman discovers her husband struggled with pornography. She needs a practical plan. The latest book from Focus on the Family aftershock but professional counselor Joanne Conti will help you through the seven steps of self-care and to learn how to deal with the emotions involved in the discovery of your husband's addiction. Joanne Conti's timeless wisdom.
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