This is a conversation. about the kindness of God. This is a safe place to talk about, hey God, am I off? Is there anything offensive in me? And if so, what's the purpose of it?
Oh, in your kindness to lead me to repentance so I can walk in the right way, the everlasting way. I'm Yeah. Welcome to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. We're back again today with Amber Leah and Wendy Speak, who are going to offer you some practical biblical responses for common parenting challenges. Thanks for joining us.
I'm John Fuller. John, last time we talked about the sibling rivalry, you know, some really good stuff: disobedient children, how to motivate them with a different script. And we covered much more.
So, if you missed last time, go to the website, get the download, download the app for your phone. You have access to all the programs that way. It's a great way to listen. We're going to continue that discussion today and talk about this idea of our guests, parenting scripts.
So, you're not doing the same thing every time and getting the same kind of subpar result or a poor result.
So, why don't we as adults and parents do something differently? And that's really the whole thing. Yeah, I really enjoyed our conversation last time with Amber Leah and Wendy Speak. They're busy moms, they've got seven. Children between the two of them, and they've written a great book called Parenting Scripts.
When what you're saying isn't working, say something new. It all is about that reset that Jimmy were talking about. Get a copy of this book and other helpful parenting resources at our website, and we've got the links in the show notes. Wendy and Amber, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Thank you for having us.
Good luck to you. Yeah.
Okay, let's reiterate right here because sometimes, you know, marriage and parenting content, we can not mention the commitment that we all have to Christ. It's all kind of rooted in scriptural truth. That's what we're trying to project.
So it's not just a TV show, you know, projecting secular ideas. What we're trying to do as a marriage and parenting ministry, and what you guys are doing, creating content in that marriage and parenting space, is say, hey, being rooted in Christ is the first thing you need to do.
So even your scripts, as you talked about them last time, are rooted in the Word.
So just give us that recap about. The methodology that you're applying here. Aaron Powell, well, and the phrase that Amber used, and we used in the first episode, and that we keep in the book, is. Our scripts need to be shaped by the scriptures. Our words need to be shaped by the word.
You don't need to be quoting scripture at your kids all the time. No, there's a time and a place for training them up and teaching them and discipling them, but we want our words to be shaped. And then we want to invite our kids up into maturity, shaped by the scriptures with us. And so the book that came before Parenting Scripts is called Triggers. And one of our favorite quotes from that book is: Figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean.
So this book is actually just a safe place to have a safe conversation. We're going to say, hey, these are some of the areas, the common areas where we say the wrong thing. And we know that because it's not getting a better result. And we're just going to take them one by one. In this scenario, what are some of the lousy things we say?
Some of the inconsistent things we say. Let's come up with a different plan. Hopefully, it's going to be a better plan. Hopefully, it's going to be rooted in scripture. It's going to be effective.
It's going to be Christ-like. We're going to change. We're going to invite them to change with us. And this will be encouraging to the listener who's like, I feel like such a bad parent because I feel like I always say the wrong thing. I always say the ineffective thing.
And how do I just, where does that come from? How do I learn to say something better? And we don't trust ourselves and we shouldn't because we don't have wisdom, but God does. And I find a lot of comfort in knowing that, listen, if God gave us the Holy Spirit as our helper, then why am I questioning that in those moments, He's not going to show up and help me? He will and He does.
And so, to be rooted in scripture, to hide it in our hearts, because out of the mouth, right, is what comes from our heart. And so, really meditating. On specific verses that deal with certain struggles that I'm facing with my kids when I repeatedly say the wrong thing, I start there. I take that time. I'll even take one verse and just focus on it for a month or two months.
You know, if it's about something about my tongue, you know, if I constantly feel like everybody in the house is like, in a sense cursing one another, right? Like there's just all these mean words like back and forth between brothers. We're all starting to get into that kind of spirit. Like that's the tone in our home. I have to lean in spiritually and fill up because I can't speak spiritually, you know, truthful things if I'm empty myself.
My bucket's empty. My bucket's empty. You know, this is really, this isn't where I was going to go, but I think it's a great place to say this. And it's a bit of a gut check for every parent. Yes.
If you're not in the word, if you're not practicing the things of truth, you're going to do a poor job parenting. And so the first thing you have to do is come to grips with your spiritual maturity. Yes. You know, how is your anger? If you have an issue with anger, deal with it with the Lord.
Lord, help me to get control of this anger. That is so much the first step a parent has to go to. I think that. It's really good to, before we shut down feeling guilty and shameful about ourselves. To remember that it's the kindness of the Lord.
If you're having a prick of conviction right now, it's the kindness of the Lord to lead you to turn away from the wrong words, turn to his word, so that he can shape your words to be right words. Romans 2:4. Exactly. This is the focus on the family. Paraphrase.
I love that. I always say when I'm speaking to a group, I'll say, now, who has the testimony where Christians treated you so poorly, they hated you so effectively that you decided to become one of them? I've never seen a hand go out of the way. We talk about that in the shape of a faith. But we can do that to our children because we're the mom.
How about, right?
So, maybe not. Maybe we should be very, very loving. But think of that. What you're saying right there is the whole purpose for what we all do. The idea here is to raise your kids in the admonition of the Lord.
And the best way they're going to learn it is by seeing Jesus in you. Not the idea. Other stuff. Yeah, that's right.
So, all of that.
So, that's the umbrella. Wendy, let me ask you: yes, moms, yes, dads, yes, grandmas, yes, grandpas. Yeah, you mentioned again, these are all great examples. The book is chock full of these, these 30 scripts that you hit, but particularly, you talk about the time one of your sons was saying hateful things to his brother. Oh, my word.
What did you know? Again, every parent has this experience. What are you saying? There's a reason we wrote this book. We have lots of examples.
So, what did the Holy Spirit reveal to you in that moment? Yeah, well, and I love it. Whether we're doing well or we're doing poorly, if we're looking to the Lord, He has a lesson for us about us. Like, search me, oh God, know my heart. Show me my not only anxious thoughts, but offensive ways.
Deal with me. And then from there, I get to not only model it, I get to invite my children up into the transforming power and grace and kindness of God.
So, my youngest. Youngest child, my youngest child, for goodness sakes. Most precious. And he is so cute to this day. But this was 10 years ago, I think.
I tucked him into bed because he's much younger than his brothers. And They were still up reading or watching a show or doing something together. And I thought, okay, I can go grab a shower and then I'll say goodnight to the older boys.
So I went to do that and I came out and they are crying. The big boys are crying because the little boy came out of bed just saying the most horrific things anyone in our family had ever said. And I'm like, where did you learn these unkind words that you're saying them to your brother? I don't, I still, to this day, I don't know where, but I was so blindsided by them. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit kept me calm and kind because I was already doing this work.
And I took him by the hand. We went to his room. And the next day was his School, he went to this precious private Christian school, and they were having their Christmas concert the next day. And I must have said something like, That he w Like, I don't know what the consequence is gonna be, but like, we're gonna have to do some serious parenting here. I've never faced this.
Not even your older brothers have been so unkind with their words.
So I need to figure this out. And he said to me, Can I still do the Christmas concert tomorrow? And I said, I don't know. I don't know. And one of the things we say often in the book is, but also, you're such a dude.
Adam Sweat. I like this. Tough means, I think, is the correct script there. That's a window yesterday. That's from yesterday.
But it's a matter of. Recognizing there is wisdom to be had for this parenting moment, I don't have it yet.
So, I need to meditate. I need to ask the Lord for wisdom. I love King Solomon's request, he could have asked for anything. And he said, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours. He's talking about a nation.
Well, nation originally means family.
So we've got a little nation in our home. What better question to say, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours? And I didn't have it in the moment. And so I went to bed that night and I was thinking of the verse. I think I actually jotted it down here because I was reading it again this morning.
James 3:10, from the same mouth come blessing and curses. My brothers, these things ought not be. And so I was thinking about that. And I said to my son the next morning, I was thinking about this scripture. It says we should not with our same mouth, our same tongue.
Bless God, singing his praises at the Christmas concert tonight, only right after cursing, literally. Your brothers?
However. And this may be the most important part of why I love speaking to parents. The goal is always the gospel. And I love reminding parents that we don't have to be afraid when our kids sin, whether they're eight or they're 18 or they're 48 and making choices you'd rather them not make. Mm.
We don't have to be afraid because sin is a layup for the gospel. Without sin, we don't need saving.
So what about this sin moment, this sin story or the sin tendency? Is an invitation for the grace of God. It's an opportunity, right? To point them to why they need a Savior. Yeah.
And so I said it to him: put your faith in Christ at five years old, buddy. Do you remember that? Yes. Do you remember kind of the heart of what that meant? Yes, that I sinned and that I deserve to be separated from God.
And God sent his son, Jesus, to rescue me and bring me back into a right relationship with God the Father? Right.
Okay. When you were five, you didn't have very many things you needed to repent of. And we talked about at that point, it's not just for what you have done, it's for what you will do. You are right with God because of what Jesus did for you. Will there need to be consequences so that you learn in this moment?
I can't do that. I got to get my tongue under control. Yes, I don't know what they are. Your dad and I still need to work through that. But I want to remind you of what Christ did for you.
He did it for last night. And you, because we're so thankful that he did that for you, you can go celebrate the fact that he was born to die for those sins. We have so much hope.
Okay, what was the consequence? I don't even remember because this, the goal is the gospel always. Yeah, that's good that you didn't. And that's now my story. Forbidden to go to the Christmas story.
Right, right. These aren't just annoying moments where we think I failed as a parent. These are our opportunities. Yeah, that's good. That's a good way to look at it.
And even though we're talking about preparing scripts ahead of time, I also want to remind our listeners that this is an example of not being prepared, but I was prepared to not say the wrong thing. I was prepared to go prepare. We discussed last time extending grace. And again, parent to child, we covered that. But how to teach your children how to extend grace.
That's a mature concept. It kind of fits in that category with for me where Gene and I for 10,000 times said, now remember to say please, remember to say thank you. And, you know, occasionally you got it. But then when they're 13, 14, and bam, they remember to do it without a prompt. And you're going, okay, they caught it.
You know, but it's in that category. Of how to teach them to extend grace when they're little, the world's about them. I mean, it's just the human state of being. Everything circulates around me, right?
So how do we teach them to think empathetically toward others and extend grace to other people? You know, forgiveness and grace is something that we have a thousand opportunities to be offended all day long at our house because there's so many people under there. I don't know whose idea it was to have so many kids, but here we are. I love it, by the way. I wish we had more.
It's good. Listen, I love it. I say that in just. My children. I love them.
Love big families. Yeah.
But there is a lot of opportunity for conflict when you've got more people around, right? And so we have learned that we actually have like the initial fight and then there's the peripheral fights that happen because the aftershocks, the shrapnel, I like to call it, right? That also can wound. And so I was like, we've got to figure this out. And obviously, the Word of God has so much instruction on grace and forgiveness, but there's a few things that, you know, I've learned along the way when, you know, shaping this as a foundational truth for my kids to be forgiving, to offer.
offer grace and to receive that from the person that's extending it as well, because that's a whole other side of the coin.
So I tell my kids like, we do need to choose our timing wisely when we are going to go to somebody to ask for forgiveness. And sometimes the kids have had a squabble with each other and neither one of them is in a place where they're ready. And so I will just kind of say to them this script, I will say, you know, I really hope that at some point you will repair your relationship with your brother. I just say that simple thing. You know, it sounds to me like there's some repair that needs to be done between the two of you.
And then I just kind of step away. And I let them marinate, right? Again, just getting them to think about it instead of, hey, forcing grace, forcing an apology, right? This person's not sincere in it, and this person doesn't feel relieved because they know this person wasn't sincere. I just want everybody to be happy.
You apologize, you apologize, accept the grace, and move on. And so I just tell them: I hope at some point that you will repair your relationship with your brother. And so then I tell them, you know, choose the timing wisely. You know, if they're right in the heat of their crying, they're sobbing, they're not going to be real receptive. They're too emotionally heightened to hear your apology.
And then we also are really particular about the way we apologize, too. We say to the kids, you know, we have to practice this, by the way. This takes a lot of practice because we're so prone to want to explain what we did or why or make excuses.
So we would, you know, instead of saying, Hey, you know, when you said something mean to me, it made me really angry. And I'm sorry that I said what I said, but if you didn't say those mean things in the first place, I probably wouldn't. have gone down that path. You know, I do apologize, but You know, hopefully, we can avoid this in the future. That doesn't sound real great though, because you're still making excuses and placing blame on the other person.
So instead, we come at it like this. Hey, brother, I am so sorry that I yelled at you and I was so offended and that I said the things in return to you that were wounding. I know that that hurt your feelings, and I apologize, and I care about you. Like there's nothing about what they did or said to make you whatever. It's just taking ownership.
And then I teach the kids too. don't expect an apology back necessarily because that person also may need a little time to receive that apology you know they may not be in a place where they're ready to forgive you yet so i tell them don't expect that just do it because it's the right thing to do and then don't keep bringing it up again like that record of wrongs right love doesn't keep a record of wrongs right so let's move on from it and then sometimes if it's like this repeated behavior prayer like go to prayer just be like lord there is this repetitive issue with this kiddo or this spouse or this colleague or whatever, but in the parenting context. And we really need to remember again that the battle is really in that spiritual realm, you know, to pray, Lord, what is it that needs to be healed in this child? What is it that needs to be broken off? What is it that needs to be restored or rooted out?
And to really pray about that. And that's what we want with our kids. When they're young, right? If we train them, when they're older, they're not going to depart from it. And they're going to, in other contexts, even outside of their.
home, they're going to practice it. And they're practicing it outside the home and with others because we've been faithful to practice it with them when they are young in our homes. It's a deeper version of the please and thank you. It is. I mean it's a much deeper maturity that someone can do that.
Wendy, one of the things that we've talked about in the past, and you're passionate about this, is the guilt moms feel. Yes. So how do you coach a mom with that? you know, approach where she feels she owns it all. I mean, she owns the bad behavior of her five-year-old or 15-year-old.
If I were a better mother, he wouldn't have said that.
Well, I have two thoughts that come directly, and I'm going to just. briefly touch on the first because we already did. This is a conversation. about the kindness of God. This is a safe place to talk about, hey, God, am I off?
Is there anything offensive in me? And if so, what's the purpose of it? Oh, in your kindness to lead me to repentance so I can walk in the right way, the everlasting way. I'm all in. Let's do that.
Convict me. Give me some points. Give me wisdom that I might lead this great people of yours. Like, this is a safe place to deal with good, godly, kind conviction. Guilt, however, while conviction, I think that you have a phrase in triggers, conviction catapults us forward in the right direction.
Guilt actually stops us. It condemns us, actually. Yes, it's condemning.
So we don't want that.
So if they're feeling more guilt, and I would even go so far as to say shame.
So shame is not, I did something wrong. Shame is, I am something wrong. I am something bad. It's not that I did something bad.
So let's first just, with the Lord, sit there and say, what are these feelings I'm feeling? Because I actually would like transformation, and I don't want to be stuck here, and I don't want to be stuck doing the same bad thing. It's the kindness of the Lord that's inviting me to have this conversation.
So, with hope, with courage, with gentle love for myself and for my kiddos, I'm going to show up for that conversation with God.
Now, the second part is, and I don't remember which chapter of which book I talk about this, but we talk about pinpointing one issue. Because guilt sometimes can feel like a dark cloud, and there's just no way to see the end of the darkness. But if we just say it's the bedtime routine, like we make it through the day, but I'm so worn out and they keep asking for more and more and more, and I always lose it there.
Okay, you feel guilty about that. You feel convicted about that? Would you like to do something different that we can have a healthy conversation about? Yeah.
Yeah.
And I often feel like, too, there's kind of like this voice, you know, that you hear. Obviously, the Holy Spirit is leading you, but the voice that is a friend or an enemy, you know, it's like if the if the voice sounds more like an enemy, then that's probably Satan breathing down my neck, trying to get me to feel condemnation. And Jesus died to free us from that guilt and that condemnation. I don't want to take that back after all that suffering that he's already been through on the cross for me. Instead, the friendly voice is that of the Lord Jesus that he would say to me, okay, let's do better.
I'm with you in this. This is repentance time and we get to do something to move forward. Obviously, we're bathing our children in prayer, right? At any age and stage of life. And that is not to be underestimated.
But at the end of the day, we have to shift. We don't always track with our kids in their developmental, which is why I love that. Letter that you guys put out about the ages and stages of children and development because when our kids are older, we have to release some of that. We're so used to controlling and coaching them so well when they're little, and we can see the development. And then, as they get older, a lot of that development is going on internally, and we're not tracking with it because it's not necessarily right in front of our eyes.
And so, now we're still trying to control and dictate and protect, right, or prevent. And this is where we really lean on the Holy Spirit. Yes. And we go, you know what? I have done the good parenting or the flawed, but very, you know, prayerful parenting.
Consistent. Consistent. And now I release that. And they're in God's hands at that point. And are there things that I'm doing to enable some of these activities?
That's where I can control. I can control what my response is. If they're continuing to, you know, if they're doing drugs and I'm providing lavish home for them with which to do that, that's. That's probably a problem for me. Like, I maybe need to put in some boundaries at that point, right?
So, there's things we can do. There's things, what can I control that's my part or my behavior in this? And then the rest of it, we have to release to the Lord. They will make their own decisions. And it kind of goes back to this releases some of the guilt piece, too, because I always say that we can't take too much credit or too much blame for the choices our kids are going to make.
And maybe that's just the script that parents and grandparents need to hear right now themselves: hey, Amber, hey, Wendy, you know, hey, Jim, hey, John. We can't take too much credit or too much blame. And this is in God's hands. But that control thing, just to punch that a little bit, if you want to change your relationship with your late teen, your 20-something, give up that control as a parent. Absolutely.
I've seen that, especially for the boys. I'm sure it's true of girls. I just don't have the experience. But they are desperately looking for that control at 17, 18, 17. And so, it's so respectful.
And I even think it's such a picture of what God allows. It is. He does. Respect and dignity for our humanity that he gave us free will. This actually makes me want to cry.
And so much so that I tattooed it on my wrist. I have a picture of the cross. And an arrow shooting what I wanted to be straight to the cross of Christ. That is my goal. Yeah.
But if they fly as a straight arrow and hit that mark, bullseye. All three of them, without one detour. First of all, it's not possible. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Second of all, without detours, we wouldn't have needed the cross of Christ, right?
That's what it's for. And so I made in my arrow a detour in the shape of a heart to remind me that I am going to love my kids through their detours because it's actually in alignment with God the Father. loving our children.
so much in respecting them and giving them dignity to choose him? or reject him, and if he can give my kids that respect. As humans. apart from him. Can't I?
It is the parenting challenge to let go and give them that dignity and let the Lord work in their hearts. Man, what a place to end. I mean, that's the right spot. And what a great resource. Parenting scripts.
When what you're saying isn't working, say something new. I mean, it's like duh. But again, as parents, we get into ruts. We keep doing the same thing for years and it doesn't produce the fruit we're looking for.
So get a hold of us. If you can make a gift of any amount, monthly, one-time, we'll send you a copy of the book. As always, saying thank you for being part of the ministry. But also, we do have that agent stage content. It's an e-newsletter.
It goes out. You just have to give us your children's date of births, and then we will send you content literally every week about what you're going to encounter when they're two, when they're eight, when they're 15. We take it all the way from zero to 18, and it's absolutely free. We just want to equip you to be the best parent you can be. Yeah, and we're building.
That age and stage e-newsletter content constantly. It's always being refreshed and updated. And let me say that your financial support means so much to us here, especially in the summer as we smooth out some of the lack of giving, if I can just be bold. And we want to continue to work hard to support families and offer practical, biblical, free resources to help you and your family thrive in Christ.
So, we need your contributions, your financial support, your partnering with us, your prayers. All add up and help us to reach even more families. If you've not given in a while, please consider doing so. If you're already signed up and a monthly sustainer, thank you for doing that. If you can add in an extra gift, we would really appreciate it.
Yeah.
Donate today when you contact us and request a copy of Amber and Wendy's terrific book, Parenting Scripts. We've got the details in the show notes. Wendy and Amber, thank you again for being with us. This is great content. Really good stuff.
Thanks. Thank you for having us. Thank you. We'll plan to join us next time as we hear from Dr. Oz Guinness, who will share how you and I can transform the culture through ordinary acts of faith.
I'm just a little finite person. I've only got twenty-four hours, I've only got so much energy, I've only got so many dollars, very little. I can't manage the world, I certainly can't save the world. All the Lord asked me to do is to be faithful in my calling. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope-restored marriage intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.
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