Transforming Loneliness into Thriving Friendships

I feel lonely when I miss out on a big family celebration.

If I've spent too much time on social media seeing how other people are doing. In all honesty, I kind of just stay lonely. I feel most lonely when I am just so tired because I've given and given and still don't feel valued or seen. Well, all of us feel some loneliness from time to time, but what if you could change that?

This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and our guest today is Becky Harling. She'll offer some ideas on transforming loneliness into true connections with others. Thanks for joining us.

I'm John Fuller. John, it's interesting that in the culture today we're so connected digitally, but the surveys are saying we're the loneliest we've ever been. So that must indicate that simply doing chat or something is not enough for our soul. And I think the Lord created us for relationship. You know, after COVID here at Focus, and I brought everybody back to campus.

We have a handful of remote workers, but they're out of state for the most part. But I just thought, you know, God created us for relationship. We have to be in the halls to talk and to look at each other as we're talking about problem-solving and opportunities the Lord is giving us.

You just need to see each other, right, and get a feel. There's so much more. We're gonna talk about that today with our guest. And Becky Harling is a speaker, author, mom, and grandmother. I'm showing 14 grandchildren, is that right? That is correct. That's a lot. She's a certified coach with the John Maxwell team and the author of a number of books, including the one that forms the foundation for today's discussion, Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World.

Details are in the show notes. Becky, welcome back to Focus. Hey, it's great to be with you guys.

It's good to see you. I didn't realize this, but you and your husband, Steve, you've been to like 65 countries doing ministry, but you came back after seeing perhaps tens of thousands of people, and what did you say to Steve? I said to Steve, you know, babe, I feel really lonely.

That seems opposite. My husband looked at me like, what is wrong with you? He's like, I'm ready for a break from people. But I said, you know, we have been with thousands of people, but I don't feel connected to them, and I miss my people. He and I, even though we were ministering together, we hadn't had a lot of us time.

I missed my kids, I missed my grandkids, I missed my close friends, the friends that know me, just for being Becky, not some author speaker. Why do you think, as we described in the setup, John and I, why do you think people are so lonely today? You know, I think a lot of people blamed COVID, and actually I don't think that was the cause of our loneliness. I think that was the great revealer of our loneliness, but I think for the last probably hundred years as a culture, we've gotten busier and busier and busier, and you know, we have places to go, people to see, we're riding the corporate ladder up to higher levels, and then we introduced technology, which is a wonderful thing, right?

We wouldn't be able to do this radio show without technology. However, people have replaced their face-to-face connections with social media and texting and all the things, and that's not really connecting our souls. You know, it's interesting in that environment, of course, being focused on the family, we're out there, and yeah, I don't know how, maybe a million followers, whatever it is, we need more, right? That's the whole thing, but the point of that is the anonymity in social media, and I think young people, this is particularly damaging for them, people say what they're thinking. You know, there's not really a filter, like there is in person, to say, should I really say this? But it seems like on social media, we just say it, whatever it might be. Yeah, yeah, and you know, people use social media as a platform to shout their opinion, but our opinions don't make good connections. Well, you end up in cliques. Yeah.

Just small groups. You did some research with this loneliness issue and had some discoveries. I was curious, one of those was humility.

Yeah. How does loneliness connect to humility? That was fascinating. You know, so Harvard has discovered that people that are humble are happier, and as they dug deeper into that, they realized it's because they're not coming into every relationship as the expert, they're coming in with a vulnerability, they're asking for help when they need it, they're willing to serve each other, and that's the stuff of good relationships. That's really interesting to me.

You know, the Lord says, be humble for I am humble. Yeah. It's one of his characteristics. Yeah. I think it's one of the more difficult things in marriage, frankly. I mean, that idea of humility, because there's probably no bigger place that selfishness shows up more than marriage, right? I think. Maybe that's just my problem.

Is this a self-help moment? But you know, it's what you want to do, where you want to eat, whatever the issue, physical intimacy, all that stuff, it just feels like you're here to meet my needs. And you're going, and the Lord's going, well, you know, the reason I set up this institution of marriage is for you to become more like me, humble or selfless, to learn my character. How about that as an idea? And that ruffles us.

We've become an entitled society, you know, and we think we deserve to have our every needs met. I mean, it really spills not only in the family, but into church culture. Yeah. Let's talk about critical spirit.

This is a good one. Having a critical spirit. It feels like in the culture we are developing critical spirit.

It's like a PhD that we all get in. We celebrate it. Yeah. Yeah, you're strong. You be critical. You go girl. Yeah.

You go guy, whatever it is. But speak to the downside of critical spirit and how that's not the nature of Christ. It's not at all. And we live in a cancel culture, right?

So if you offend me, I cut you off and I lob criticisms at you. And like we said before, people are doing this on social media, you know, but every single person has been created in the image of God. Are you sure?

I'm positive. Even that person? Even that person, Jim. And so every person is created in the image of God, and that means they carry the beauty of God in them. And we need to be honoring of each other and not looking for fault in each other. You know, Jesus was pretty clear on this. He said, don't judge. And we kind of trip over that verse and think, well, sometimes it's okay to judge. No, it's not.

Yeah. You know, 2 Timothy 2, 24 to the end is really good. It says basically, when you're dealing with the world, deal with them in kindness and gentleness so that they could be, you know, kind of rescued from the snare of the enemy. Isn't that great?

It is great. It's a wonderful way to think of this POW operation. These are like prisoners of spiritual warfare. Yeah.

You know, people that are not believers. You had a coffee with a friend when you talk about critical spirit, which was a great story out of the book. Tell us what happened.

I did. I went to coffee with a friend, and, you know, I was looking forward to the coffee, but the whole time we were there, I heard what was wrong with everybody else. What was wrong with different churches?

What was wrong with different speakers? Different husbands? Different husbands. That's a common one that I hear about. Yeah.

Yeah. And different friends. And, you know, I left that coffee rather than being energized.

I left exhausted. And I realize we have to look at ourselves because you don't want to be friends with somebody that's just going to rag on people and cut them down all the time. So what do you do tactfully so that you don't become the same thing?

What do you do in that situation to say, listen, friend, I don't want to kind of be in... You tell me. What do you say? Well, okay. So what I am trying to do, I don't always do this perfectly, I'm trying to, when a person starts cutting down another person, I'm starting to say something positive about them. Like, oh, but did you know they do this?

Or did you know the backstory about that, you know? And if it really gets bad, I finally find the courage, this is hard for me to do. You know, like, let's not be talking so negatively about other people because I really think most people are trying their best. I think that's true. I mean, I hope so. There are a few apples out there that may not be... But they're made in the image of God. Yes, they are.

I'm going to keep praying for them apples. Yes. You mentioned loyalty is also a critical part of communication and connection relationship. I think that's obvious, but describe that loyalty factor and what it does for a relationship. I think loyalty is one of the most beautiful qualities in a relationship. You know, it's steadfastly, consistently, you know, loving another person. And we need loyalty in our marriages, you know, first sign of a fight, you're not out the door, you're in it for life.

Yeah. And, you know, loyalty is best described by God. You know, he is steadfast in his love towards us. He's unending in his forgiveness towards us. And that loyalty, that being honoring of another person and saying, no, I'm going to be faithful in this relationship is beautiful.

Becky, I can't help but hear somebody hearing us or watching YouTube going, yeah, but there is unhealthy loyalty. Sure. Just describe that distinction when you don't want to, I don't think theologically, spiritually, it's right to become a doormat.

Yes. That's not what you're talking about. How does a person know where that line is then? When do I say, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're hurting me, you're taking advantage of me, you're not, this is not healthy.

I love that you asked that question. When you're with your boss at work and he starts exploding at you or swearing at you, telling you everything you're doing wrong, there's a point to back up and say, hey, you know, treat me with respect. You can correct me, but treat me with respect. In the realm of marriage, this is really important because I've sat with a number of wives who feel like they have to stay in a marriage that has become abusive. And God does not want that. Love has to be tough. Love has to say, hey, I love you, but the way you're treating me is not acceptable before God.

And because of that, we're going to separate until we can go for some counseling and get some intervention. Becky, you mentioned comparison is the thief of joy. I think I get that, but what are you driving toward there? Comparison really is. If I compare my life to your life, I'm going to either come out short or I'm going to come out on top.

And either one is going to rob me of joy because I'm looking to live another person's life rather than the life that God has designed for me. Why do we do that so much? I mean, Pinterest is everybody's example.

Look at our birthday party. Yeah. I think, like, we're insecure, don't you?

I don't know. I mean, it is core. And, you know, again, you can go back to biblical stories of comparison, right?

It's where you... Rachel and Leah. Yeah, I mean, that drives bad human behavior typically. It really does. But how do we get out of that cycle is the question. If you're taking that self-analysis going, oh, I do that a lot. First is taking the internal test about it, right? Yeah.

Am I doing this, like, 18 times a day? Yeah, and, you know, one suggestion I have before we even get more practical is get off of Instagram. I mean, if comparison is your thing, you don't need to be on Instagram. My wiring would be to get on there and be the slob, you know, be exactly opposite just to get people talking about that. If you do that, I'll follow you, Jim. We need somebody on there that doesn't have it all together, that is messy as can be, it's not organized, and cannot do it yourself around the house. That's me. Perfect.

I'm not sure that the team is going to want to spin that up with you, Jim. But you talk, Becky, in the book about cultivating attentiveness and letting attentiveness be kind of this approach to deeper connection. You had a great story about the family at the beach. I have to tell that story, it's the best story ever. So we took our kids on vacation, we were in Ocean City, Maryland, you know, and it was during the Beanie Baby craze, do you remember that, you know? And so our daughters always wanted to buy these little Beanie Babies. We went into the candy store, it was called Candy Kitchen, and they have Beanie Babies. So while the girls were trying to decide what Beanie Babies they wanted, our son was like maybe 12, 13 years old, and they had these little suction cups on the plexiglass containers of the candy. And now you have to imagine this, these plexiglass containers of candy went from the counter almost up to the ceiling, and they were one right next to another. And all of a sudden, J.J. our son pulled that suction cup, and it was unbelievable. It was like something out of Lily Haverish Domino Rally, one container hit another container hit another container, Swedish Fish made a hard landing on the floor, caramel balls went flying. And, you know, I just got the giggles because it was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life.

And my husband panicked and was like, we'll pay for all the candy, and the lady was like, just get out of my store. That was nice of her. I know. I know. And, you know, it's just we still talk about that story, and Candy Kitchen is still around. They survived.

They survived. They made it after your mess. But how does that relate to attentiveness is the question? Because distraction creates disaster. It created disaster in the candy store, but it creates disaster in our relationships.

Let me give you an example. If you're home at night with dinner with your wife, and she's telling you about your day, and you're on your phone, and you're like, well, wait just a second, honey, I'm listening, I'm listening, but you're emailing somebody or whatever, she doesn't feel loved. And so and it's the same vice versa for wives with their husband.

We've got to bring our focus right into the conversation. Look our spouse in the eye. Same with friends. You know, it's so frustrating when you go out with a friend and they're texting under the table at the restaurant. You know, we have to learn how to have that eye to eye conversation where we're making the other person feel heard.

Because if they don't feel heard, they're not going to feel loved. Hey, in the book, you mentioned going to the Vatican and seeing, you know, different sculptures. Jean and I and the boys were just there this past summer. We were going through St. Peter's Basilica. And you know, our boys went to Classical Academy. So they know all the stuff that we were dragging them through the museums.

It was so funny. But one of the things there, the pieta, Michelangelo, you mentioned this in the book, because for you, it makes a connection to relationship. Describe the work and what it communicates.

Yeah. And so Michelangelo's sculpture is beautiful. You know, it's Mary, the mother of Jesus, holding the broken body of Christ. And I think in our relationships with each other, we have to have the pieta sentiment, you know, where we understand that we are to carry the broken body of Christ and the body of Christ is broken.

There are plenty of broken people out there and we ourselves are broken, but we can minister to each other by sharing comfort and by being there with people and holding them in their sorrow. Why do you think that, I don't know, that connection, that hospitality idea is so close to God's heart? We've had other authors write about it, Rosaria Butterfield, who came out of the, you know, she was a lesbian and became a Christian. And she speaks to that issue that, you know, when she was in the LGBT community, she could fly into Denver.

She knew 10 houses she could go to to hang out for the day and have hospitality. She was shocked when she became a Christian that that really isn't found any longer. But that really was the mark of the early church. Believers would come into a village, a town, and they would know where to go.

They use the fish insignia to find one another, et cetera. But it seems like hospitality has become less of a part of the Christian experience. But again, why is it close to God's heart, this idea of hospitality? Because we are to live our lives in such a way where our homes belong to the community of Christ. You know, our coffee belongs to the community of Christ in our culture.

You know, and I have fallen into this myself. You take people out to coffee or you take them out to a restaurant. And I realized when I was going through a season where I was really analyzing this, no, I need to just start inviting people into my home for coffee, because that's what the early church did. You know, they shared everything in common. They had each other over for dinner and they sat around studying scripture at night.

And that's a beautiful concept because when you're in somebody's home, the relationship goes deeper. You know, along these lines, you had a story in the book, Becky, about I think you called it the big table dinners that your family is hosting. How big was that table? Yeah. What's the deal on the big table?

Okay. So some of our kids, a couple of our adult kids, they started hosting these big table dinners and that's what they called them. They set out a big table. Our son loves to cook.

He cooked all kinds of stuff. And they would invite their Christian believing friends. They would invite the friends that didn't know Christ. They would invite all manner of walks of life people, you know, and they would invite them for dinner. The only really overt testimony was that they would pray before dinner, but then they would play games and people left those big table dinners and said, we have never experienced anything like this. How did you come up with this idea? And you know, the kids were just like, well, we just kind of dreamed it up, you know, but the table is central all throughout the Bible.

And you know, we're invited obviously to the communion table and the table is a place for eating and fellowship and drawing closer as a community. So take a risk. Yeah.

Take a risk. Throw a big table dinner. I think again, that can be more difficult because of the sensitivity of everybody. Jean and I participated in a, it was kind of like a scheduled dinner time and you know, it was 40 or 50 people that were involved in this.

I can't remember the name of the community round table or something like that, but it was believer, non-believer, straight, not straight, and you ended up in groups of six to eight at dinner and you'd sit and have a topic of discussion. I wonder if that is as successful as it seemed to be. This was probably 15, 20 years ago because today, you know, you're kind of divided in your camps and you're not necessarily willing to put yourself in an environment where people disagree with you and that's not, I think healthy, but yeah, tell me about it. Yeah. I feel like it needs to happen. I think that's a beautiful concept, you know, and maybe you start small scale, you know, maybe you don't do 40 or 50, but maybe you invite your neighbors over for dinner and you know, people have, when you were talking about sensitivity, I thought you were talking about the food sensitivity.

Oh no. That's a whole other thing. Some people are vegan and some people are gluten free and gluten full and all this, but you know, one of the best way to love people is to invite them in your home and listen. I mean, I do think we have to get back to listening as a culture. You know, one of the things that I have found that has been so amazing, but it shouldn't be for believers, is the way when people feel sincerity from you, people that oppose your opinion, whatever, it doesn't have to be a political opinion, but certainly could be, but it's just everything. When people are in opposition to you, even if you sit down with them, have coffee, have a meal together, if they feel sincerity from you, it's like the Lord has put spiritual DNA in all of us that our heart cracks open and you do feel connected to that person and you are willing to listen to that person and I think that's the beginning of a deeper relationship, right? You're understanding one another a little better and then that moves along and hopefully it moves toward a place where they can experience the love of Christ and hear his great story for us. But it is something that I've noticed with people that utterly oppose the Christian belief system. And, you know, when I'm with them, it's amazing that first they need to feel you care about them.

It's just written in our DNA. And when that is accomplished, people listen. Yeah. And just letting them talk. You know, my husband was in Australia several years ago and he was headed back to the airport after a long speaking engagement and the taxi driver was Somalian and so he was from an Islam background and my husband wanted to have a conversation with him. So he said, you know, tell me what it's like to be a Muslim and just started drawing him out. He had a family and the taxi cab driver kept talking and talking and, you know, and then Steve said to him, what is one thing you would like Christians to know?

How can we improve? And the taxi cab driver said, you Christians, you want to tell us everything, but you don't know how to listen. And that's a, that's pretty blunt, but I think a lot of times we are like that. Well, and the irony is the Lord asked a lot of questions. Yes. And I don't know how he did ministry.

He would ask the question sometime appointed question. Yeah. You're right. You're not married to one man.

You've had five men. Right. Yeah.

But he would ask questions about that. Let me ask you about praying together within the body, obviously. It's a sure way to knit hearts together. You know, when you pray for one another, that's a deep intimacy actually. Yeah, it is because it's the place of deep vulnerability, you know, and, um, I strongly recommend husbands and wives pray together, you know, but I also have a dear friend, Judy, and we've been friends since our kids were toddlers and we started praying together years ago. And now in this season of our lives, we're still praying together. And just like last week, we prayed over 20 grandchildren between the two of us by name. And when you pray together like that, you hear each other's hearts. You're vulnerable because you share your needs. And together as you're seeking the Lord, your relationship can't help but go deeper.

And so you feel more strongly connected. So we've covered a lot of territory today, gaining humility, uh, you know, uh, getting into connection, avoiding critical spirit and so much more. So the person that's viewing or listening is going, okay, it sounds exhausting.

That's a lot, a lot of work to become better. But what do you say to that person? The introvert that says, you know, it takes a lot of energy to be engaged in a relationship. What do you say to them? I say to them, connection is worth it.

You know, start small. You don't have to do all of these, but maybe you take a step this week and you invite somebody into your home for coffee. If that is really terrifying to you, then sure, go out to coffee, but reach out to somebody. The other thing I want to say is you are never completely alone if you're feeling loneliness because Jesus is the one that says, I will never leave you nor forsake you. And so he is always there and he's rooting for you. So take a tiny step this week and reach out to somebody and think if millions of people did that, our loneliness score would go in a much more positive direction. We wouldn't feel so lonely. Well, I did have coffee with so-and-so, right?

So spiritually that things happen in those environments. You start learning about one another, praying with one another. So this is really good, Becky, and I hope people get in touch with us. Thanks for being with us. Hey, thanks for having me.

So good. And let me turn to our listeners. I hope, you know, Focus on the Family is here for you. And as I said at the top of the program, your relationships are important to you and important to us.

And mostly they're important to God. And we have helpful resources available to you like Becky's outstanding book, Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World. And when you donate to Focus today, a gift of any amount, we'll send you a copy as our way of saying thank you for supporting the ministry, being part of the ministry and helping families to do better in their faith journey. Donate and get your copy of Cultivating Deeper Connections in a Lonely World.

We've got the details in the show notes. Or give us a call, 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459. And before we close, John, I just want to invite everyone, anyone, all of you to come visit us here at Focus on the Family campus. It's open year round, but summertime is especially nice and you'll probably even encounter one of the great Colorado thunderstorms that come through just about every afternoon. But we have a wonderful welcome center and bookstore, which has a lot to offer and a lot of fun for both adults and kids.

There's Whitsand Soda Shop and more. So swing by, we'd love to see you. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. If the fights with your spouse have become unbearable, if you feel like you can't take it anymore, there's still hope. Hope Restored Marriage Intensives have helped thousands of couples like yours. For biblically based counseling, we'll help you find the root of your problems and face them together. Call us at 1-866-875-2915. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. That's 1-866-875-2915.