Marriage: When You’re Missing the Point: J.P. Pokluda

Everybody wants to grade their marriage based on what they receive. But what if you graded your marriage based on what you gave? And I don't care if you've been married six months or 60 years. At some point you said, well maybe I married the wrong one.

You did not marry the wrong one. Welcome to Family Life Today where we want to help you pursue the relationship that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com or on the Family Life app. This is Family Life Today.

So today's a fun day. We get to listen to a message that was given on the Love Like You Mean It cruise last year, which is coming up again in a few months. Yeah, in fact February of 2024 Love Like You Mean It cruise is gonna be on the water again and we're almost full but you still have time to sign up.

Yeah, you got to sign up right now. Go to familylife.com, search Love Like You Mean It cruise. It's fabulous. We hear talks like you're gonna hear from J.P. Pacluda today on marriage. There's music, there's bands, there's comedians.

I mean it's really a vacation with a purpose and you don't want to miss it. And again you're gonna hear a message today from one of our friends. He's been on Family Life Today with us.

He's a pastor at Harris Creek Baptist Church in Waco, Texas and he's an author and he's a very great thinker and speaker. So this is a message he gave last year on the cruise and as you listen to this, if you're not thinking I want to hear messages like that this year, you're crazy because you want to hear these kind of messages and here we go. Guys, so great to be with you this evening. If we haven't met, my name is J.P. Jonathan Pacluda.

I'm gonna start just by telling you something that's not in my notes, not what we're talking about tonight, but just the people that have been coming on and off the stage and there's a whole slew of others that you won't see because they're behind the scenes bringing out podiums and making things happen back there. Like they love you. I do a lot of Christian events or I've been to things like this a lot and I don't know that I've ever seen people that care so much about what happens in the hearts of the couples that are on this boat right now together. And then second, I want you to know that there's an enemy and he hates your marriage. He's after you and he is not happy that you're here and so I'm just gonna pray really for protection over you, over us, that the Lord would open your heart.

Tonight, like as we talk about marriage, right, like this is something that part of my stories I've really struggled in. So I'm just gonna talk to myself, like I'm gonna fill my heart with the scriptures that I need to hear and if there's something helpful to you whether you've been married 60 years or six months, if there's something helpful to you, I hope that you would take it. So Father in heaven, would you move in this place mightily like only you can? I pray that you would protect us from the enemy. Move any stronghold, any foothold that we've given him in our marriage or in our personal life. Would you just keep evil far from us and would you open up our hearts? Remove cynicism and skepticism. There's people in this room that their expectations in their marriage already have not been met and so would you heal that and bring them to a place where they can receive your word in Jesus name. Amen. I'm gonna take you back to my junior year in high school, anatomy and physiology class. I needed to get an A and I needed to pass the class and it wasn't going well and the reason why is because I was incredibly distracted because there was a girl that I had this enormous crush on in the class and we'll call her Kelly Kapowski and so she's in that class and distracting me and we're gonna be teamed up for a project and I noticed that Ms. Paruthi, the teacher was putting a guy and a girl together and for this project that's gonna happen in anatomy and I'm thinking I just go to pray I'm not a believer but I'm like Lord if you are in heaven would you please put me with Kelly like please and she's going through naming a boy naming a girl naming a boy naming a girl so I'm just trying to send vibe like Jonathan and Kelly Jonathan and Kelly Jonathan and Kelly and Ms. Paruthi says Jonathan and and I'm Kelly Kelly Kelly I'm like praise God Almighty was a very spiritual moment for me and then we moved to the assignment if you will and I'm so excited because now I'm get time with my crush and you know who knows what God's going to do and I really needed to pass this class and I was so excited that Kelly was my partner but as they rolled out the assignment the assignment was we were gonna dissect a frog and that was rather unfortunate because Kelly didn't like frogs she didn't want to get any frog juice on her and and so there I am I'm like no I need you to be smart right now and kind of gritty and we got to do this because I've got to get an A on this project to pass the class but I didn't care about that because of all of the emotions that I was feeling in that moment I just wanted to be partnered up with her and I hadn't considered the assignment I have done dozens of marriages counseled hundreds of couples I thought about that I'm like is that true I kind of started counting the years and how many times through the last 15 years of ministry hundreds of couples if it's not it's somewhere close to that and what I think a lot of times the challenge is is people have not considered rightfully the assignment of marriage God invented marriage so to understand what the assignment is we have to go to him and we have to understand his word a lot of times people struggle in marriage because they want to get something from their marriage that God never promised them in marriage and as they were choosing a partner and as they feel stuck with that partner they haven't considered what the assignment is and so this evening for the next few minutes we're going to talk about why marriage is more than you think which is really to say understanding the assignment I want you to know you cannot get an A unless you understand what the assignment is and we're not getting better at marriage people are getting married later they're getting married less and marriages aren't lasting think about this we have dating apps and personality tests and professional matchmakers we have more help than we've ever had before and in 1960 seven out of ten people in their 20s were married compared to just two out of ten today that's even an old stat from Pew Research Center for the first time in history the average American now spends more years single than married and about 50% of marriages end in divorce maybe you would say it's 45% or maybe 52% but somewhere around half of them and so as we move through this scripture in Ephesians 5 21 through 33 I want you to set your expectations on what God says they should be I want you to expect to sacrifice and submit expect to be sanctified through service and expect that it's not about what you think it's about before you leave here in just a few minutes I want to show you what marriage is really about to set this up the Apostle Paul is writing this to the church in Ephesus largest church of that time and he's talking about relationships he's transitioning and he's going to talk about working relationships and parenting relationships but he starts with this very important one because he says hey it's more than what you think it is this is what he says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ this is where we start submit to one another that's in the Bible submit to one another out of reverence for Christ Christ is first you submit to one another and then it goes wives submit yourself to your own husbands as you do to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church his body of which he is the Savior now as the church submits to Christ so also wise should submit to their husbands in everything and we don't like that word the s-word not big fans if you were to underline it and what I just read you would have underlined it four times it says that and there's a temptation to think oh but the Holy Spirit took his hands off the will possible Paul went rogue here that's not what God meant but he kind of says through Peter chapter 3 verse 1 wives in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands in Colossians 3 verse 18 wives submit yourselves to your husbands as is fitting to the Lord and so some of you want to walk out you want to get off the boat you're like how far is land can I swim there right this didn't go in the way that I thought it was hanging there with me for just a minute as I simply I'm just simply reading the Bible to you because then he says and cuz some of you I saw some of you husbands your elbow and like yeah I'm so glad we're here this is your part husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her what's a word for gave himself up for her somebody's jumping ahead on me because I heard sacrifice which is the word I was looking for but then I also heard a real loud bull die which which is uh yeah okay that's fair and so the next time that he says hey the Bible says that you're supposed to submit to me you just turn to him and say well the Bible says you're supposed to die okay and you wouldn't you wouldn't be wrong and we don't like the idea of roles sometimes like sometimes we think this is outdated let me tell you something everybody everybody likes the idea of roles whether they want to admit it or not in 2012 there was actually an incident on a cruise ship it wasn't Royal Caribbean rest assured the coast of Concordia capsized and there were men being videoed who were throwing women out of the way to get on the lifeboat and the entire world was outraged that same year there was a shooting in Aurora Colorado and three boyfriends they young men not married on dates with three women when a guy burst into a movie theater with an assault rifle they jumped on their girlfriends and used their bodies as shield and they were all shot and all three girlfriends lived and the whole world applauded steep down inside of us we know that the man goes down and the girl goes free that's written somewhere on our hearts you this is family life today and we've been listening to Jonathan Pekuda's message on the love like Amina Cruz last year and he is so right I mean as a woman you've got to hear that and go preach it yeah I think there's something in us that does stand up and applauds a man as he protects and cares for and even serves a wife or a woman yeah it's a gospel and it's what God calls us as husbands and dads to do do you feel like that's in your heart yeah I do and I think it takes courage and boldness to do it because sometimes we're passive and we don't step up and God calls us to step up and JP's gonna get into that and rest of the message so my first point this evening is the mandate of marriage the mandate of marriage is to sacrifice and submit sacrifice and submission Paul here is pointing to the metaphor of marriage that it is more about Jesus I want you to take that idea and hold on to it because I'm going to expound on it in just a moment that he's kind of nodding his head that there's a submission and a sacrifice that happened in Jesus to the church Philippians 2 says who Jesus being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage so the calling of your life is not 50-50 it's to give a hundred percent and expect nothing in return and that is extremely very difficult it's very challenging and everybody wants to grade their marriage based on what they receive but what if you graded your marriage based on what you gave and what if you didn't think right now I hope my spouse heard that but you do I'm talking to you graded your marriage based on what you and I'm talking to you again gave and that's the grade you got I think that we're all looking for the one and I just want to close the door on that because what happens when you embrace that worldly Greek mythology ideology is you get in marriage and I don't care if you've been married six months or 60 years at some point said well maybe I married the wrong one you did not marry the wrong one but marriage displays sacrifice and submission to the one that you married so you're to sacrifice and submit why is that so easy in dating and hard in marriage like in dating you did silly stuff man when I fell madly in love with one Monica Rubin I studied her someone say stalked I say studied found out she worked in a salon and that she liked TC by frozen yogurt white chocolate mousse with Heath bar toppings I studied her see and so I would just show up I'm like oh yeah my favorite I actually have another one in the car if you're interested you know yo is your favorite too you know and and you we sing saw I would leave voicemails for her right and and just sing on them write poetry I was like singing boys to men on her voicemail you know cuz I'm down on bend right just just doing silly things and then we get married and I get selfish and I'd always been selfish and even those actions were selfish cuz I liked her but now we're stuck and I want to do what I want to do what I want to do it this really showed up on the topic of pets we never had pets for a long long time 14 years because we couldn't agree like I view them as pets and she views them as children and and it just we knew that it wasn't going to go well but she wanted a dog and she had made that clear to me and like the whole family got in on it like dad can't we have a puppy you know and and I'm like God if you really want me to buy a puppy you need to show me in your word and don't do that because it'll turn you to Ephesians 5 and talk about sacrifice and yeah and so we got a bougie Australian labradoodle like like a designer dog right I'm taking one for the team and and my daughter my 12 year old I'm having a conversation with her one day I say I love you and she says how do I know daddy how do I know that you love me you never have to ask you never have to wonder you just look at Stella the labradoodle and you know how much I love you and what's baked into this passage is God is saying to you if you ever come to this place because you're gonna come to this place you might be there right now God how do I know that you love me he's like no no no no no you look at the cross so I did that for you I did that for your adultery I did that for your pornography I did that for your unkindness I did that for your jealousy I did that for your selfishness I did that for your materialism I did that for your gossip I did that I paid the price for your sins so that you don't have to I did that for you back in the text verse yeah yeah it's good news it's always good news he says in verse 26 to make her holy cleansing her by the washing let me just ask what's a word to make holy sanctify is a good one to make her holy cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as the radiant Church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless in this way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies he who loves his wife loves himself after all no one ever hated their own body but they feed and care for their body just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body cleansing washing with water through the word he's not talking about baptism here he's talking about how the Word of God washes us renews us cleans our hearts and so there's this important part where if you if you're in a bad spot like there's nothing new under the Sun sometimes I can if we're coming in like a doctor and we're solving problems I'm just like yeah are you reading God's Word I'm like nah man this doesn't make sense it's old it's down so you guys don't do that it's not really a normal practice you're not gonna grow as a Christian without reading his word like you like there is no shortcut to that we've been listening to Jonathan precluded on the love like you mean it cruise here today at family life today and that's good wasn't oh man I mean I love how he preaches but man the truth that he's getting into about not only God's Word being a central part of our lives but that our call as husbands and really as wives too is to lay down our lives and serve our spouse and you know I'm thinking as he talks about being in the word being in the word changes your lives because that's what it continually talks about laying down our lives submitting to each other loving one another unconditionally it is the gospel of Christ over and over and over yeah I remember one time I was talking to this guy was he was gonna get married in a month or so so he's engaged and he's so excited and I said so you know what you're signing up for right and he's like yeah man I'm getting married I'm gonna be you know husband I got my wife we're gonna just go on this amazing adventure I go yeah you are but you know you're really signing up to die I probably should have said it that's how you said it well I wanted to get his attention and it worked he was like what do you mean I'm not sign up the time sign up to get married I go yeah you're signing up to die to yourself die to your agenda and lay down your life to serve your bride just as Christ laid down his life to serve us exactly what JP was talking about is that's the call of marriage which when you do it is beautiful it's a picture to the world of the gospel but man it's like so hard yeah and yet when you do it it shows the world the gospel and it's not perfect it's messy and it looks messy when you read the Bible it's messy but that's still the beauty of the gospel yeah I don't think you can even begin to start to do any of it until you do it JP ended with get in the word yeah say God what is your call on my life what's your call on our marriage and then say I'm gonna choose to do this and let me just say this every day you have to choose to die every single hour because everything in me and in you is I want to take care of me first I want to take care of my needs and God says lay down your life every single day as you say that too I think just being in the word you can be on a you version app you could listen to it but there's something about the power of God's Word that begins to transform our minds and our hearts I hope this is motivated some of you to go on the cruise with us we're inviting you come on the cruise with us for this great adventure it's also a time of growing deep with each other but also with your relationship with God while you're vacationing and having fun our cruise director for family life Tim Bell recently told a story which was amazing after the cruise was over Tim received a package of the mail of ashes that's a little strange package anybody sends you ashes you know in a water in a box yeah and so he was a little creeped out at first but then he read the letter which was pretty sweet yeah basically a couple went on the cruise sort of the last-ditch effort they had already planned to get divorced they had the papers ready to go and the cruise changed their life and their future and their marriage and they burned up their divorce papers and sent them to Tim to say thanks it made a difference and I don't know where you are right now in your marriage but that's the kind of stuff that happens when you pull away and say we're gonna focus on God together we're gonna focus on our marriage together and even on a boat in the middle of the ocean God does miracles and your marriage just might be the next miracle so come join us Wow God does incredible things on land and on sea and we're excited about what he's going to do on the ocean coming up really soon I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson as they've listened to Jonathan Pakuda on family life today you know we're counting down to the sellout of the 2024 love like you mean it cruise now I do say sell out on purpose because we expect to sell out literally this week so for all you detail people the cruise is next February 5th through the 11th 2024 and features some of the best speakers and Christian entertainers for an entire week while you're on the boat now if you're looking for a unique and unforgettable marriage experience that will give you time to rediscover one another this is going to be it so don't let the demands of life right now keep you from reconnecting with each other and with God so we encourage you to call we'll probably sell out this week but don't let that stop you from calling and getting your name on a waiting list for the cruise and if that's the case for you we can all but guarantee you and your spouse will still get a spot on the love like you mean it cruise so you can go online to find out more at love like you mean it cruise calm or we really encourage you to give us a call at 800 358 6329 again the number is 800 F as in family L as in life and then the word today now if you or anyone you know needs to hear messages like the one you heard today from Jonathan Pekuta would you share this podcast from wherever you get your podcasts and while you're there you can really help others learn about the Ministry of Family Life today by leaving a review now tomorrow David and Wilson are back again to hear more from Jonathan Pekuta when he was on the boat last time he mentioned a few things about marriage including how he wanted to end his marriage when he was only two years in that's tomorrow we hope you'll join us on behalf of David and Wilson I'm Shelby Abbott we'll see you back next time for another edition of family life today family life today is a donor supported production of family life a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most