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July 13, 2021 2:00 am
How can parents raise kids well in today's tech-driven world? Arlene Pellicane addresses when a kid needs a phone, what skills they need, digital Sabbaths and more.
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To my question today to you is how do you think my phone and your phone has changed their marriage. I think we talk is much because I've only said when your phone is in your hand. I feel like you're talking to someone else. I don't want to be. Further down, we had fights many fights over okay so put my phone on my leg until I can hear advised and then I can tell that you're dying, if I glanced down, I'm in trouble. Welcome to family life today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most and Wilson Dave Wilson and you can find firstname.lastname@example.org or on our family life. This is family life today so we need help help in the studio. Arlene fell again is with us today. She has written a book called screen kids, which is not just about kids, although it is a lot about kids that affects marriages as well. But here's her subtitle, which I love.
Five skills every child needs in a tech driven world, and we need to talk about those skills but you're also mom, a wife, three kids, so you're living this out in your home you got a podcast called the happy home in a wonderful book called 31 days to a happy husband. That said, you got it and we've already been talking about just the effects of our screen time on our brains on our homes. What that looks like in our super helpful. I mean, it's helpful because I didn't want to know it is like I'm in this series Arlene King but also super convicted because I'm guilty to. I mean, it is fascinating to think how it affects every one of things I want to ask about that is, can we become addicted because my wife is said maybe I am in. Is it like a drug screen time and Arlene welcome to family like so great to be with you. Yes you can become addicted and the idea you know if Chris is so many ways that we can talk about addiction, like what does that really mean and so I think in a marriage. It's the kind of thing where it's taking more time than you wanted to take. So let's say you wanted to just be on for our and then you realize at the end of the day all my goodness. I spent three hours on YouTube and watching videos.
I didn't mean to.
You see, that is causing problems inside a relationship someone is saying here on that too much and then you can always try the Google detox of saying having to take a digital Sabbath like a test to say that on Sunday we know where were driving to so we don't need it for directions. We've got your watch on so there's an emergency. Someone could reach you and were just going to do it, okay. Can we do 24 hours without technology. Have you done that with your family. We three kids. Yeah. How old are they they are 16, 14 and 11, so there they are in it.
We have not technically done this test, which is making me think we should try. We have hybrids of this test so our kids are very strange because they don't have phones and there not a lot of social media accounts and they don't play video games like what I know and they still live and breathe in their oxygen there okay course, but we do have a lot of technology so when they need a phone they use mine or my husbands. There's a family iPad so they can grab that for school or for whatever there are desktop computers. There are chrome books from school so I mean we have a lot of technology in the house but they don't have a personal phone. Okay, what is your 16-year-old.
Think about that. Yeah.
So this is really funny because my 16-year-old is frugal like he is good with money and he knows if he had a phone he'd have to pay for it so I have actually been asked like if we let you have a phone would you get one and he's like probably not because of the financial which is funny but that's also part of working so like most kids, it's a freebie know it's like no risk on them. Mom, I want to phone I'm 10 years old.
I want the best phone that's out there to zero by Furby you so even teaching your child if you want that phone you can earn that phone that even a good lesson in how to suffer him.
He would say you know what if there's a problem because I don't have my phone I can find a workaround. So he recognizes that that I can figure out how to take notes on this skin on my chrome book. I can grab you know we joke about it because we used to have to run to a payphone wanted to call someone to do as a buddy like 2 feet away from them. Let me use your phone to text my mom right and he does it is not a big deal he is. He has a drivers permit so he doesn't drive yet and so that's a discussion that may be a dumb phone so not a smart phone, but maybe some kind of flip phone that when he drives.
What's funny is I would be more prone to say, okay, you're driving. Now let's get him a phone but my husband would say why would you introduce a phone to a driver now learning how to drive that needs a lot of attention to phone and like that's not a good idea what was there a lot of pushback from your kids, so I guess in this do any of their friends not have phones all of their friends save one of my son has a guy he knows at church. I think you still does not have a phone in his age bracket. I think he's the only one that we know people make fun of no deal and we've asked him, and we've talked to him about this. You know, and he'll say no and the same is true for my other kids. So what they have is they've grown up with this kind of DNA that we are in the matrix and we know that thing can addict you and can distract you and is unhealthy so they cannot get that, but don't think were so pure like on their laptops there watching YouTube videos or watching movies you know so there their kids, but they kinda get it.
And so for my son. He can see the benefit that because he doesn't have a phone he's been able to be like a entrepreneur.
He teaches piano lessons both online and in person. He plays the piano so he loves doing that he is in the sports he loves skiing and cross-country and he's the captain of his debate team in East Quiz bowl team. So he's active. He's not just like sitting around like oh I do have a phone over game. I don't have a life like his. A lot of marketable skills. So he's very confident so I think if your kids have some kind of competence so that good at something, even if they don't have a phone they're finding that achievement somewhere else and they don't feel like oh I'm such a loser right on the phone. I remember when he was in sixth grade I wrote this little article about how he didn't have an iPad or a phone or anything his backpack and his friends after six grade summer headset. How do you survive this summer without playing video games like how you do that and he said to me, mom. These kids don't even know who Winston Churchill is, but he was really in the World War II and is reading all these World War II books Mondeo how to play the piano. They don't know how to do jujitsu in all these different things. He had been learning in the summer so he has seen it as mom. They are missing a lot things that I know how to do so for him. I think that's given him a confidence to be like different and he'll say people just kind of are more curious about it. Like how do you do that yeah but they're not mean and he says basically the people who would be mean about it are not the kind of people you'd want to be friends with people who are like that's your thing girl that's fine.
Those are the kind of people that you'd want to be what you say to a parent about when to let their kids have a phone. This is a huge thing and it's going to be different for each kid has some kids might be able to handle it were other kids couldn't.
So see our the first of all, responsible with normal things do they walk the dog when they're supposed to do. They do their laundry. Do they pack their lunch. Do they clean the house do they keep up on their grades because if you're having trouble with these basic responsibilities, but they promise if you give me a phone. I will do everything you want me to do and I'll follow every ruling give me about the phone you can be like your actions do not show me that so first of all make sure if they are making their lunch that doing their own laundry. You know, doing things like that.
Just like we just like you get your lunch and laundry before the phone my friend you know that these are the skills that should be in place before giving this phone so are they responsible enough and then I would really say for sure. It's not needed in elementary school. You know my daughter is in sixth grade and I know in fifth grade, fourth grade, we started seeing a lot of these kids coming out of class walking out to their parents cars and their holding phones and it's because and said these to talk to each other nicely and they're just looking at their phone as they walked out of school by themselves. So I would say in elementary school for sure your child does not need a phone if they need one to communicate. Maybe you are in two different homes and you need to communicate who's picking her up what's happening then like a just a simple telephone that can text only that'll work, but not a smart phone, and then I would really caution in middle school because a lot of times we feel like okay it's middle school. Never gonna let up were going to give the phone but in middle school. Think of it this is this huge time where they are so unsure of themselves.
There wondering they're asking the question do people like me and the girls are asking am I pretty you know what guys are you am I competent in their asking these questions you give them a phone in social media.
During that time and they will find the wrong answers so I would really caution even a middle school or I'm even thinking of girls.
I remember having one of my neighbors. We were talking to her and then her daughter was standing there to who is 13. We are talking about phones and she said if I didn't have a phone it would be social death to me I would have no friends I would not know what's going on. I would not and I was thinking that you're getting your I can it be What Other People Are Saying and Doing, and That's the Danger, Especially in Middle School Has Our Values Are. Everything Is Being Shaped and Were Pulling Away from Our Parents More and Were Really Tuning into What Society Is Saying in Our Peers Are Saying It Could Be a Dangerous Time Yeah and It Just Is Apparent Just Scroll through Tick-Tock Just Growth or Instagram See What's Popular, and Then You Wonder, Is This What I Want My Child to Be Feeding on and This Is Not a Popular Thing You Know, No Middle School Child Is Biblical Create Get If You Don't Know What to Say That They're Going to Be like You Are Ruining My Life Right This Is Timmy and That's Why I Think It's so Important in Those Elementary School Years. If You Are Listening to Us and You Still Have Those Younger Kids That They're Building Other Activities so That When You Get to That Point in Their Life They Have Relationships They Have Real Life Friends Who They Don't Have To Count on Connecting on Instagram to Be with a Friend.
They Have a Friend in Real Life That They're Going to See Normally. So It's Not Social Death When They Don't Have That Phone Yeah We Had a Friend That She Was Drinking and Driving Friends in the Car with Her and It Totaled the Car and It Was so Scary, so Dangerous and She Was Going into Her Senior Year of High School and Her Parents Said Working to Take Your Phone Away for the Year Your Year and She Went Crazy like You've Just Ruined My Life. I Will Have No Friends I Don't Have Any Way to Connect. I Won't Know What's Going on and It's so Interesting Because When She Got into College. She Went to Her Parents and She Said It Was the Greatest Gift You Gave Me Wow and She Said I Started Walking with God and She Said I Didn't Have Any Space in My Head Yes Hear from God or Even to Contemplate What Was Going on in My Life and Just the Quietness, Sometimes of Our Head's Amazing How We We Feel God Pulling Us and Drawing Us and Wanting to Have a Relationship with Us That I Think Is Such a Key Saying You Think about in Nehemiah 811 It Says Be Still for This Is a Holy Day and There's Not the Stillness Know That Was in the Context of As Her Was Gonna Read the Book of the Law on People Can Respond to and Today You Know Kids If You're Online All the Time. There's No Time to Respond to the Word of God to Think about Things. So, How Beautiful That That Girl Was Able to Say, Not When She Was 50, a Mom and Dad Thing A Lot but so Soon.
She Found the That's so Good Will Is Talk about Your Subtitle Five Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World, and by the Way, I'm Still Stuck on This Amazing Concept Make Your Kids Pay Their Phone Novel I'd like to Apparent to Those That Are Easily Yeah the Monthly Bill, Whatever. It's like That Will Change Everything.
But These Five Skills. What I Love That One of the Five Skills so You Know about the A+'s of School Academic Skills and Those Are Great, but Even More Than the Academic A's If You Know What Kind of Person Is Your Child Becoming so These Are A+ Skills of Affection Can Your Child Give and Receive Love, Appreciation, Are They the Child That Says Thank You or the Child That's like Is This All That I Get It of Anger Management Angers a Part of Life, but How You Can Deal with It.
How Are You Going to Talk to People When You're Angry.
Apology How Do You Own up for Things When You When You Do Things That Are Wrong and Then Lastly Attention How Can You Take That Wandering Mind and Say Wait Right Here. I Gotta Pay Attention so These Are Skills That Are Really in Danger of Extinction Because We Are Have the A+ Skill of Amusement Is Basically We Have All the Time Now Is My Kidneys to Be Amused Because That Keeps Them Safe and Out Of My Hair. But in Reality Is It Helping Them Be These Things, Affectionate, Appreciative, Etc. I Found It Fascinating Reading Your Section about Affection and I Was Sick and Was Affection Have To Do with the Screen and You Draw out That We Are Less Affectionate in Life or in Our Homes and Very Affectionate with Our Devices. Oh, but You Know It's like You're Touching It All the Time and They're Looking at Old St. We've Interested Either Covers Our IPhone Protector Covers or Whatever Phone We Have yet We Dress Our Phone.
Yes, It Was so Good. I Mean, Obviously That's True Yeah. So How Do We Build That Skill of Affection and How Does a Device Heard That.
So This Book Extreme Kids Is Co-Authored with Gary Chapman of the Five Love Languages so If You're Familiar with the Five Love Languages Think of. If Your Child Feels Love through Physical Touch.
They Love Being Philip to Wrestle the Girl Was Ever Hair Braided. They Let Me Feel Loved and Secure by Physical Touch What You Introduce Technology into That and How Many Times Are We like Playing a Videogame. Let Me Sit Right Next to You and so You Can Feel What OUC or Kiplinger Videogame You Run the Other Direction Know It's Bedtime. This Is a Time to Take That Younger Child and Put Them on Your Lap and Read a Book and You Have This like Really Precious Window to Do That but You Know What It's Been a Long Day Take the IPad Read Yourself Fall Asleep and so These Times That Would Be Usually Reserved for Some Physical Touch. All Of A Sudden, If Were Not Careful, Were Touching the Screens and Save Our Kids and Our Kids Aren't Feeling That Love. Maybe Your Kids Language Is Words of Affirmation They Want to Hear You Speak to Them.
But When a Screen Is Introduced. Whether It's a Tablet or Phone and TV. Whatever.
What Happens Conversation Goes down Because You're Looking at the Screen. So Even If You Have the TV on in the Background.
Your Kind Doing Your Own Thing You're Not Really Talking to Your Child, I Thought That Was Interesting. I Kissed It Sometime. Watching It, but yet in the Background and That Keeps Us from Talking from Talking Because You Might Talk a Little Bit but Let's Say It Was Quiet in the House. Then You like It What's Going on Wonder What You Working on. That's Good. What Was That What You Know in the Note. Now You're Talking and You're Having This Conversation and so You Want More Opportunities like That to Speak Words of Affirmation and A Lot Of Times What Works Really Well a Specific Words of Affirmation, so Not Just Good Job but Hey I Noticed Your Sister Was Kind of Being Especially Annoying Today, but You Didn't Want Her and You Didn't Go Crazy.
I Noticed That like That You're Growing More Loving Was Very Good.
So Something Is to Be More Intentional and We Notice. Let's Say Were on Our Screens All Day. We Went to Noticed Yeah That She Did That and so It's Having Those Words Commonly Know Whether It's Acts of Service of Doing Things for Your Child. Now Maybe You Don't Have Time Because Your Checking Other Things You Taking Email. You're Getting Ahead at Work, but You're Getting behind at Home. So How Can You Show Affection and Make Sure the Screens You Know Are at a Minimal, so You Can Show Affection, There Are Times and I Wonder Your Your Opinion on This, or of Said Them beside My Son and Played a Videogame with Them and It's Actually a Cool Bond. The MO Mime so That You Said That Because Now the Other PI Husbands on My Thought Is That Okay and I Think Video Games Can Be Something That Bring People Together. If You're Playing Together That Works, and so If You Find That You're Playing Together with Your Children and That Something Good Then Just the Questions to Ask Would Be Just Be Careful That It Doesn't Turn into an Addictive Thing for Either of You and the Way You Can Look at That Is Just As a Gamer If You're Casual at Risk or Addicted to the Casual Gamer Can Just Pick up a Game They Can Play for 20 Minutes.
30 Minutes Walk Away from It Go.
Ride Bike and Just like One Thing It's Not a Big Deal If You Pick It up on Friday Night and Play with Your Dad, You Do It If You Don't Do a Saturday Night's Not a Big Deal.
The at Risk Gamer Is the One That's Asking like We Can Play Today. Can We Play Today. You Know, so They're Asking Each Day.
Can We Play We Didn't We Get up and Then of Course Addicted Is like I Didn't Play for My Few Hours Today and I'm Not Happy, You Know. And Then You Know Cave What's Going on so You Can Look at the Frequency When You're Playing and If It's Really Easy to Not Do It That You Mention Never Heard This Concept before What Veggies and Candy Your Digital Vices Explained That Yeah so You Can Think about If I Was Carrying a Bag of M&Ms, a Big King-Size Bag of M&Ms and I Was Told to Eat and Today I'm in a Fail. I Fail Am Going to Speak around the House.
I Went to Eat That Thing till It Is Empty Because I'm Holding It Is Tempting. It's Candy.
I Love It. It Tastes Good.
I'm Gonna Eat It and It's the Same Thing for Kids. If You Give Them a Device, IPad, Phone, Whatever. It's like Giving a Bag M&Ms and Saying Good Luck Because of so Much Digital Candy out There. Whether It's Netflix. And of Course If They Watch One Program. What Can Happen the Next Program That Is Interesting to Them and Chosen for Them Is Going to Queue up and They're Going to Have To Have the Power to Go. Oh, I Don't Want to Find out How That Ends August like to Turn the TV off and No One Can Do It. There's Your Bag of M&Ms. So for Kids. You Have To Understand That It's Very Tempting and It's Kind of Unreasonable to Be like Oh Just Watch a Little Bit If You Give Them Sway. So Whether It's Video Games YouTube Videos Netflix Anything That Is Purely Entertaining Is Candy and Candy in Small Doses.
Kind of Makes You Happy.
That's Fine, but You Can't Build Your Body on Candy and in the Same Way You Can't.
They Can't Build Their Brain Their Spirit on Candy Now. What Are the Digital Vegetables. Those Are Things like Online School, You Know, Even after the Pandemic Note Parent Is Going to Say My Tongue Got so Addicted to Calculus in the Back and That Zoom Room Had Been That the Teacher Will Show up. You Don't Know What Is Good Be Addicted in That Way so the Vegetables Are There Listening to a Lecture There Listening to a Sermon They're Learning a Bible Verse. They're Working on Their Math Something That's Obviously Good for Their Brain for Their Spirit.
There's Really No Risk of Addiction There and It's a Vegetable and It's Something That Parents Have To Serve to Their Children. The Children Are Not Gravitating toward Ptolemy Watch 10 Ted Talks Today. You Know They're Not Gravitating toward This. It's Something Parents It's the Same Thing with Vegetables. So for Digital That's All Screen Time Is Not Equal. So Truly, If Your Kid Is on Screens in Their Learning How to Play the Guitar and Their Skype Grandma and They Watch the Sermon. That's A Lot Different Than Them Watching the Latest Instagram Star and Watching Things Blow up on YouTube.
Imagine Saying That to Your Team. You Can Watch the Sermon Be like You Can't Yeah but I Think I like That You're Talking about. These Discussions Can Start When They're Young, What If We Feel like It's Too Late. My Household Is Just Bombarded with Screens Were Not Really Talking Ever Been Intentional Errors Were Now Listening This Gone O'Boyle to Go to Start over My Teenager Is Going to Rebel. Hey Young Man What You Say What They Do.
I Think It's Best to Start with an Apology. So Instead of Saying like, Okay, You Guys You Guys Have Been Doing This All Wrong Work and Do It Right Now. You Know, Just That You Know What I Want to Be a Good Parent.
I Love You Guys Very Much. I've Learned Some New Things and I'm Seeing That Were Probably Not Doing This in a Healthy Way and I Want to Help You Guys As Much of the Can As Long As Your Kids Are under Your Roof, Even If There 1819 20.
There's Time You Can Make an Impact and so I Think Your Passion for Them and Enthusiasm.
So the Approach It like We Can Do This Don't Approach It like Okay This Is Jimmy and Boswell Were I Know Villages Give It Lip Service and Let's Try You Know They Know That They've Artie Got You Beat before You Even Open Your Mouth, and Confident.
And If That Means Being Coached up and Mentored by an Older Person Have Coffee with That Person before You Have the Stock Go Do That but You Come in Strong and You Say, I'm Really Sorry I've Messed up and Let You Sleep with Your Phone in Your Room. I Know You're Not Getting Much Sleep. I Know Your Grades Are Shot and I Want to Help You Were Gonna Take Your Phone to Charge in My Room Overnight Ring to Do That for a Month and Then Let's Have Let's Talk Again and See How You're Doing. So You Come in.
It's Simple, It's a Game Plan Specific so Maybe for You. It's Just That You're Going to Do. No Screens at Mealtime, so You Have an Action Step Just Think Whether It's Taking a Phone Away at Bedtime, Whether It's a Limit of Three Hours a Day or Less Video Games.
Whatever It Is, but You're Going to Come up with This You Can Say This Is What Were Gonna Do, and Were Doing This Because We Love You and Don't Be Afraid Try and Don't Expect That There and I Think You but Back Perhaps in the Years Ahead. They Will Think You and Let That Hope Care You through This Tough Day. One of My Best Friends Cease to Have All These Kids Would Come to Her House Had Three Daughters Teenagers and When They Would Come and She Had a Basket for Their Phones and They Would Say What Is This Goes All That's the Basket for Our Phones Because We Want to Know You Love You. We Want to Have a Time That We Can Really Talk and Her Home Became a Magnet Because Michelle Would Sit and Look at Them I I Should Pray for Them. She Communicate to Them and It Was, I Thought, Oh. Are These Kids Can Be so Mad. No, It Will Became This Haven in a Safe Place for Them to Come. It Reminds Me a Little Bit of Romans 12 to Think about This. I've Never Thought of It in the Context of Screen Times When It Says Do Not Copy the Behavior and Customs of This World. I Mean Just That Alone. Let's Not Copy That. But Let God Transform You into a New Person by Changing the Way You Think and What We've Done over the Years. I Think It's so Suddenly All of Tenant. We Have Allowed Screen Time to Transform Our Minds. Then You Will Learn to Know God's Will for You Which Is Good and Pleasing and Perfect. I Would Save without Apology.
Arlene, There Was Gold on the Main to Think about Sitting on Your Sons or Daughters Bed at Night or Kitchen Table and Soon Have Done a Better Job This Area and I Want to Do Better. Yeah I Want Us to Do Better and I Just If I'm the Dead, and I'm Looking at Right Now, or That Mom Might Say, and I Have To Model It.
I Can Apologize and Then Just Be You Know I've Got a Show at Me When I Walk in My Son's House with Little Bryce Who Is Two Years Old and Little Autumn Couscous a Couple Months He Is Told Me with My Son and You're Looking at Your Phone. I Need to Put the Phone in the Coat Pocket and Leave It There Rather Than Just Say Hey You Know You Should Be Careful with Your I Need to Model That, and I Would Challenge Our Listener to Model That Is a Is a Husband Wife Is a Mom and Dad in the Cover Book Arlene, Thank You for Being with Us and an Honor to Be with You Think You I Think All of Us Need to Be Asking the Question Who's in Charge of Us.
Are We in Charge of Our Phones or Our Phones in Charge of Us Who's in Control, Notably the Easy Reflexive Answers Will Course, I'm in Charge, but Maybe Were Not As in Charge As We Think Him for Kids That's Even More Crucial Question Is They Just Instinctively These Days Are Gone to Their Devices.
Arlene Peloquin Is Been Talking to Billy to David and Wilson about How As Parents We Need to Help Build Specific Relational Skills in Our Children so That They Are Not Controlled by Their Devices.
Arlene Has Written a Book Called Screen Kids Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in the Tech Driven World and Were Making Her Book Available This Week to Family like Today Listers Any of You Who Can Help Advance the Work of Family Life to the Our Goal Is to Reach More People More Often with Practical Biblical Help and Hope Want to Come Alongside and Be a Trusted Friend Does You Seek to Move Your Marriage and Family in the Right Direction in the Direction That God Has Mapped out for Us in His Word.
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Dr. Chapman Is Going to Join Us. You Know Him. He Wrote the Book the Five Love Languages and Dave and I Am Wilson Have Just Finished Their Book Called No Perfect Parents and There to Talk about Parenting Him Love Languages and How All of That Fits Together It Will Be a Great Conversation. Hope You Can Join Us for That On Behalf Of Our Host Statement and Wilson on Bob Team Will See You Back Tomorrow for Another Edition of Family Life. The Production of Family Life Ministry Helping You Pursue the Relationships That Matter Most