A Father’s Integrity

As parents, when we say one thing and live a different way, that hypocrisy can leave an impression on our children that marks them for life.

Here's Brian Loritz. When you just live this duplicitous lifestyle, you are modeling for your kids what's acceptable behavior, and that gets handed down generationally. And so that stuff is learned in the home, and it sets them up for failure. It sets them up with what's okay and how in treating women.

And you can say, I promise, or take a vow, but if integrity wasn't modeled in your home, then it's no big deal if I make a vow and I break it, because that's what Dad did. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at FamilyLifeToday.com. The decisions we make as dads, they don't just impact us or our marriage. Our kids are paying attention to those decisions, and seeing if what we say is true is how we live. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. We're talking this week about the gifts that we are supposed to be giving our kids as their father. And I'm not talking about Christmas gifts or birthday gifts or material gifts. I'm talking about a different guy. He's a humbugger. He is such a tightwad. He is, Dad. You are such a cheapskate. I did not say I don't want to give him gifts, but you know.

No, it's true. We're talking about different kinds of gifts. Different kinds of dads. And gifts that cost differently.

They may not cost money, but they're going to cost time and intentionality. We're talking about dads, and our friend Brian Loritz is joining us again, because he's written a new book called The Dad Difference, the four most important gifts you can give to your kids. Brian, welcome back.

Always good to be with you all. Brian has spoken with us on the Family Life Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise. He and his wife are part of the Art of Parenting video series and the Art of Marriage video series. Brian is an author. He's a speaker.

He is the executive pastor at the Summit Church in Raleigh, North Carolina. This new book, as we've been saying this week, is not Brian's testimony about everything he's done right as a father. It's really a lot of what you've learned from your own dad, and you've been trying to apply. That's right.

But I'll just say this, because I've observed you as a dad, and you have been applying. You have been purposeful and intentional as you're raising your boys, and you haven't done it perfectly. None of us has, but you have been aware of the fact that there's a mantle that you carry, and this is not something you can be passive about.

That's right. No, we've been talking a lot about the word intentional, and I think the default for man is to slide back into passivity. I think that was an unfortunate gift that Adam gave us because he sits there and watches a snake talk to his wife. So I've had bouts with passivity, and I battle it all the time, and there's plenty of times I'd rather be watching the game by myself than actually proactively doing something with one of my kids. So I'm right in the bunker with you all, but I've never felt bad about being intentional with my children.

I have felt bad about being passive and watching TV when I should have seized the most of that opportunity. Brian, your book's built around four gifts. That's the subtitle. We've talked about these, but just refresh us. What are the four gifts? Yeah, so it's what we call fathering right, R-I-T-E, so it's relationship, integrity, teaching, and experiences. And we've already dug into the whole idea of relationships. I think I misunderstood what integrity is supposed to look like when I was raising my kids, and here's what I mean by that. I thought integrity meant that I should be as close to perfect in their eyes as I could be. I should keep hidden my flaws and only show the righteous side of me. And that's not integrity, is it?

No, it's not. The analogy that I use is I grew up in Atlanta, and like the Wilsons, I know what it's like to have a struggling football team. So in the 80s, no less.

I mean, we were really, really, really bad in the 80s. And so I had to look elsewhere for heroes, and my hero growing up was Walter Payton. And I loved Walter Payton so much that I did the unthinkable. I ate Wheaties.

Now, if you've ever had Wheaties, that's the worst cereal ever. But Walter Payton was on the cover of a Wheaties box, so my hero's eating Wheaties, so that's just the cross-out bear. Well, my dad is a pastor, he's a preacher, and oftentimes sports teams would come into town and ask my dad to do chapel, and the Bears did it. They asked my dad, hey, can you come speak at chapel? And my dad brought me along, and boy, I was on cloud nine.

And so my dad's speaking at chapel, and when he's done, they said, hey, you want to stick around with the team? Oh, look. Unbelievable. Look who just popped in to the room. Unbelievable.

I've got to get a picture of this. Unreal. Unreal. We should let our listeners know, and we thought this would be fun. We didn't tell Brian this was going to happen, but we thought, let's reach out and see if the man we've been talking about this week could join us for a little bit. So Crawford Loritz has joined us in the studio.

Welcome, Crawford. Hey, Bob. Hey, Dave and Ann. Good to see you guys.

Great to see you. Brian, good to see you, my brother. Hey, Dad, I need some gas money.

Can you give me some gas money? Yeah, those days are all over, my brother. I want to know what you think of the book The Dad Difference, since there are so many stories about you in here. Oh, yeah, well, so here's the deal. You know, Brian and his mother, my dear wife, they all knew about it. I didn't know anything about the book. And the next thing I know, he calls me and says, Dad, I want you to write an introduction to the book, and it's about you.

I said, that's a little self-serving, isn't it? So all of these stories in this book, did you get buy-off on what stories? No. Wait a minute. Are you kidding me? Do you know how many stories he told about me in sermons that he got paid for that I never got any remuneration on?

Yes, you did. You got a roof over your head. Well, you know, as I'm reading the manuscript, I'm like in panic mode. I'm saying, what stories are you going to tell? It's got to be humbling to read a son talking about the power of relationship and integrity and teaching and experiences, and Crawford to go, your son is saying, my dad did these things in my life. Yeah, and it's humbling, and I'm grateful. Obviously, you know, I don't walk on water, and there's the downside of who I am, and so I'm just grateful that God in his sovereignty helped clean up my mistakes, and it is quite humbling.

It is quite humbling. We were talking about integrity when you dropped in, and I was saying that I thought integrity meant that I was only supposed to reveal to my kids the positive side of who I am. I was supposed to keep anything hidden that was unrighteousness and only show righteousness, and I realized later on, I've set a standard for my kids that they can't achieve if they never see Dad make mistakes and own up to those mistakes. A part of integrity is messing up and owning up, isn't it?

Well, that's the point. Integrity is not perfection. Integrity is not moral perfection, and I think that's where our legalists have stepped in in their desire to project this moral perfection. They get seduced in being a Pharisee, and just the opposite happens. Integrity has to do with closing the gap between your shortcomings and repentance becoming your friend. Repentance is your friend, and you turn from it, and it's transparency. So, even when you fail, there's a sense of wholeness about you because you move toward confessing your sin, repenting of it, making it right. I don't think authentic integrity can take place apart from humility and repentance. They fuel integrity. Brian, when your dad dropped in, you were talking about sweetness, about your hero, Walter Payton.

So, what was the point you were making about integrity and what he modeled? Yeah, so Dad takes me to the chapel. He speaks, and then we get invited to breakfast, and I'm about nine or ten years old at the time. And like I said, I've been eating Wheaties because Walter Payton, my hero, had been eating Wheaties. But when I show up to the breakfast table, he's not eating Wheaties. He's eating Raisin Graham.

And I just remember, I got to ask this guy about that. And so I said, Mr. Payton, as respectfully as I could, I eat Wheaties because I thought, you eat Wheaties, but you're eating Raisin Graham. And I'll never forget what he said. He kind of had this scowl on his face. And he says, oh, kid, I don't eat that stuff.

That stuff's horrible. And, you know, I never really ate Wheaties again. And years later, it dawned on me that all Wheaties was for him was a paycheck. It was an opportunity to extend his brand.

And there was a sense in which I was disappointed that my hero wasn't even buying what he was selling. And I think that's what we're getting at when we talk about integrity, is buying what you're selling. And even when you fail, the Bible is clear that I need to apologize, own up to it, confess it. And so even in our imperfections, we can still be people of integrity. And so I talk plenty about dad apologizing to us.

So I've got a question for either one of you guys. This has never happened to me because I've always been perfect and I'm a perfect father. Stop. No, it's happened to me many times. And I know it's happened to you. So if I lack integrity, if there's a gap between what I say and what I do, my walk and my talk, and I have to come to my sons or my daughters and apologize, what's an apology look like? How do I go there in a family room or in a discussion with my kids about my integrity? I think your question is great because I think just a lot of people in our culture just need a good old-fashioned tutorial on how to apologize. An apology is not, I'm sorry, it came across this way, or you heard it that way, or you took it that way. Apologies should take ownership. I'm sorry for what I did.

And they should be specific. They should specifically name the offense. And then at the end, I think an apology should make the big ask. Will you forgive me? I think that's a healthy apology. Crawford, do you remember a time where you had to go and apologize?

I'm sure you've got several kids, so. Yeah, I mean, it's just like, I did it daily. I actually had to tell a story about his brother, his youngest brother.

I had to shorten it. He had been doing something that I had told him repeatedly not to do. And he sort of kept doing it.

Well, I thought he had done it again. And by this time, I'm ticked off, okay? And so I shut him off. He was going to give me a reason. I said, I know you did it. Close your mouth, son. And I just came down hard on him.

Well, come to find out, his oldest sister told me that Brendan did not do that. So I had some humble pie, and I had to rationalize this thing. Well, he did it before, and okay, I mean, he deserved it, and I'm talking myself out of it. Then the Lord just grabbed a hold of me. I had just dropped him off to school, so I made a U-turn, went back to school, got him out of class, and I had to look him straight in the eye and say, Son, I'm sorry. I was wrong. You did not do this. Would you please forgive me? And so I've done, but I've had to do that a number of times.

Those elements that you just modeled, again, it's what we taught our kids. I'm sorry. I was wrong. And then name what it was you did that I'm sorry for this.

I was wrong in doing that specific thing. Will you please forgive me? And then we made him hug at the end. We made him hug. We made him hug.

I'm impressed. We said, okay, now hug each other. And they were always like kind of halfway hugging, standing. We let our boys do a fist bump. I'll tell you, one night, I coached high school football when my three sons were going through high school, and I wanted to be on the field with them, and that was a way to be part of their life. And so we're in a playoff game. And I'm not only the quarterback coach, I'm also like the chaplain, because we did chapel on Thursday nights, and it's a public school.

So it's really great ministry, right? So you can't lose your cool. Can't lose my cool. And I'm always telling the kids, you know, you got to keep your cool.

Well, guess what happens? It's an important game, playoffs. We score. And this team, by the way, a bunch of jerks, let me tell you. They walk through our pregame thing. They're yelling.

It was nasty from the get-go, right? And so our guy scores, and I watch this kid as he's handing the ball to the refs, spear him, literally dives at his legs. This is five seconds after the touchdown, scored, hands the ball to the ref, dives at his legs, and the ref on our sideline is right by me. And I go, did you see that? And he turns and looks at me.

He doesn't say a word. I go, that's ridiculous. You got to call that. And he goes, I'll call it. And he throws a flag on me. And the coach gets a flag. Well, let me tell you, the whole sideline's like, Coach Wilson just got a flag because he cursed.

The pastor. That's what I heard. They said I cursed.

I never said anything, but did you see that, right? And my head coach grabs me and goes, get over here. If you get another flag, you can't coach next week, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me.

That guy threw a flag. I can't believe it. Well, as I go home that night, my son's like, Dad, what happened? Everybody's saying you cursed. I can't believe you cursed. I go, I didn't curse. He goes, well, did you do anything wrong? I go, no, that was a terrible call. And then as I went to bed, I was like, yeah, I did do something wrong. That was wrong. I absolutely did what I told my kids never to do.

So the next morning as we're watching film, it's one of those moments. This is the only good story I have in my entire life because they're all negative. But I had to stand up in front of 70 kids and say, I was wrong. Here's what I said.

Here's what I did. Here's why it was wrong. The ref did the right thing. I did the wrong thing. I modeled for you what you should never do. And I am sorry. I'm telling you, there are kids 10 years later who said, Coach, I don't remember a single thing you taught me about football.

That's the only thing I remember is that you owned up to your mistake. And it's just so important for our kids to see that. Brian, if a dad lacks integrity, what does that do to the kids?

It's devastating. It's one thing to, you know, all sin is a breach in integrity to some extent, but that gets stitched up real quick with an apology, which is the whole point that we're making. But when you just live this duplicitous lifestyle, you are modeling for your kids what's acceptable behavior. And that gets handed down generationally. And so that stuff is learned in the home, and it sets them up for failure.

It sets them up with what's okay and how in treating women. And, you know, you can say I promise or take a vow, but if integrity wasn't modeled in your home, then it's no big deal. It's no big deal if I make a vow and I break it, because that's what dad did. And so dad kind of granted me permission to live this immoral lifestyle. Well, Brian, you tell a story about, I think you headed up by saying, my dad really did believe this Jesus stuff. You tell the story of him driving and a man hitting him. I love that you're both here because you can share this story. What happened?

I think it was either my freshman or sophomore year in college. So I wasn't there, and I get this phone call that dad's driving down. I think it was Highway 29 or something like that, dad. And this guy just runs into my dad.

Totally the other guy's fault. Airbags deploy, you know, dad's a little thrown off by it. He gets out, and the guy who hit him just happened to be a white guy. And this guy comes walking towards my dad using a racial slur towards him. So I'm like steaming as my dad's telling me this. And later on, dad just said, hey, son, pray for me. We're going to see each other in court, and I really want to share the gospel with him. And that's when I'm like, wow, like you really believe this Jesus stuff. Now there's a little bit of time in between that.

That wasn't your first thought, right? I appreciate that, son, but I finally got there. Yeah, but I think who you really are is really shown in adversity. And so in these adverse circumstances, to see my dad's character was very inspiring for me.

And there is good news. And Crawford, I want you to speak to this because some dads who would look and say, you know, I have not modeled integrity. I have not been a man of integrity. I've been duplicitous.

My kids have not seen that in me. The good news of the gospel is we can come and confess, and we can repent. And not only will God forgive, but we can set a new course and a new pattern that our kids can look at and say, God is real because my dad's life changed when he turned around. Yeah, you know, sometimes we just have to stop wasting our lives by beating up on ourselves, you know. If there's breath, there's opportunity for change and repentance.

And that, in fact, is the hope of the gospel. None of us have done it right. None of us come from perfect backgrounds.

We screw up all the time. And so the issue is I think you have to spend enough time in remorse, you know, being sorry about what you've done and taking an inside look and identify what you haven't been, what you haven't done. But then you need to focus on the cross and focus on what can God do in my life and in this situation.

And then how do I change? And being willing to do whatever it takes to change. And by that, I don't just mean praying a prayer.

Sometimes what it means to change is to humble yourself and find a mentor or find somebody else that can speak into your life, that can hold you accountable. Being humble enough to go back to your kids and to apologize to your wife or whatever and begin making things right. And so, you know, that's the hope of the gospel.

That's what it's all about. Crawford, in one sense, this book is a tribute that your son has written to you. And I know you have, on many occasions, taken the opportunity to write letters—he talks about it in the book—to affirm him, to bless him as a father to a son. But I also know that he's gone through some challenging moments in the last year. So I'm just going to ask you, as we wrap this up, what would you want to say to him today about what you see God doing in his heart and in his life that you're proud of?

I'm going to start crying here. So, you know, there's so much I'm proud of Brian about. I'm proud of the fact that he just keeps coming back to Jesus, doing hard times. He keeps coming back to God's Word, that in his heart he chooses the right hard thing to do. And he presses into that. And God validates that in his heart and life.

And that's all you can ask for. And so I'm just proud of the man that he is. I'm proud of his integrity. I'm proud of his pressing into the Lord. And I know that sounds almost cliche-ous, but that's what I'm proud about. And, you know, we all have to remember, I mean, we ain't across the finish line yet, and so we keep pressing into dependence upon the Lord. And that's what we—we're stumbling toward holiness, and God is with us, and so I am proud of that. You know, I am humbled beyond measure that Brian would write this book, and my other kids, they say kind things. I am overwhelmed by this.

I write in the introduction of the book that many times—and Bob, I think you've heard me talk about this through the years. When they were small, and I was traveling a great deal of time on staff of Crusade, and I'd be in some small college town, and I can't tell you the number of nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night and just petrified. And these horror stories of friends and colleagues whose kids walked away from the faith because their dads were gone.

And I would just cry out to God, please, God, don't let my kids be bitter because I have to be away. And to see how they have responded in spite of me, but to that prayer, just does my heart good. And so I'm proud of Brian. I could not be more proud of him and his faithfulness to the Lord and pressing into hard, difficult stuff, and seeing God carry him and how God is using him in a great way. And I would just add thank you to both of you men. You have been mentors to me. Brian's younger than me, but he's mentored me. Crawford, you're a little older than me, but you have been a tremendous mentor. For both of us. Yeah, for all of us.

Not just as a man, but as a husband and a dad, both of you men. And you're a mentor to thousands and you're changing legacies and we appreciate it and thank you. Well, thank you for the privilege of being here. Sorry I had to surprise you this way, son.

That's Bob's fault. Well, I surprised you with the book. Thank you guys for the conversation today. And we are making your book, Brian, available this week to Family Life Today listeners. It's our way of saying thanks to any listener who can help support the ministry of family life today. You know, our mission, our goal, and you guys are part of this, to effectively develop godly marriages and families who change the world one home at a time. Anybody who invests in this ministry, you're helping us reach tens of thousands, really hundreds of thousands of people every day to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families.

So, when you make a donation today, that's what you're investing in. And we'd like to say thank you by sending you Brian's book, The Dad Difference. Request the book when you donate online at familylifetoday.com or call to donate 1-800-FL-TODAY is the number.

1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word TODAY. And I hope both moms and dads will check out The Art of Parenting. Brian and Corey Loritz are a part of the faculty for The Art of Parenting video series that we put together. Dave and Ann Wilson, Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

We've got contributions from Phil Vischer and Tim and Darcy Kimmel, Susan Yates, Elise Fitzpatrick, a whole bunch of people. Steven and Alex Kendrick are a part of The Art of Parenting. It's great to do as a couple or to do in a small group setting. Find out more when you go to familylifetoday.com. Find out how you can do this online, do it virtually with others, or if you're starting to gather in appropriately socially distanced small groups, this would be a great curriculum for you to go through with other parents. Or if you're an empty nest couple, take some younger parents through The Art of Parenting. Again, find out more at familylifetoday.com. Now, tomorrow we want to talk about how we can do a better job in marriage of encouraging one another, building one another up.

Those are biblical terms. How do we affirm each other in marriage? Matt and Lisa Jacobson will join us to talk about how we do that practically. Hope you can be with us as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.