Absurd Truth: SSDEI

It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. Yeah, let's do it.

All right, I got a few. First, this guy's name is Gene Oliver. He's 33 years old and he is, of course, from Florida. However, he is right now, or at least recently, in Manhattan, New York. He got up on the top of a high-rise, a high-rise he doesn't actually live in, with furniture. Which is a question that I continue to ask and started just throwing it off the high-rise that he was on top of. He has been charged with burglary, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, criminal trespass. There's now audio that's gone viral of neighbors living in this high-rise, watching this happen and being very confused as to why the landlord or someone isn't doing things quicker. I can't believe that there's not more bad words or any bad words in this audio. I don't know why I found that funny, but on top of the throwing of the, you know, stuff off of the high-rise, he also is just flipping people off because it's not enough to be Florida Man breaking into a high-rise with a couch, climbing up and then chucking it off the top of said building.

He also got to make sure everybody knows how you feel about him. All right, that's one Florida Man story. There are more. And this actually includes a Florida woman. A man and a woman were accused of stealing an AC unit or several AC units from people's homes. They are William, who's 48, and Stormy, not Daniels, who is 43.

Stormy Hernandez is her name. Their mugshots definitely make them look like grumpy people. But here's the problem with their plan. Their getaway vehicle was bicycles. So they had AC units that they were trying to hold. And if you've ever tried to hold a large item while riding a bicycle, you know this is challenging.

Even if you can do the no-hands move on the bike, which I can do, you got to get up to speed first, and you got to usually use the hands at some point, and air conditioners are not small appliances. So they had a failed plan to begin with. They wound up being caught. They'll be charged with grand theft and burglary as well.

Next time, not that I'm trying to help people commit crimes better, but I would think that you at least bring maybe a wagon or something that you tie to the bicycle along with you so you can at least drag it. Like a kid who runs away from home has a better plan sometimes with how to bring his stuff with him than these two had when they were stealing these geniuses, when they were stealing the AC units. That is a Florida man and a Florida woman.

I have more. A Florida man was arrested after hitting his roommate with a rock, shooting him in the nose with a pellet gun. I'm not sure exactly what started the fight. 32-year-old Daniel Reese is the guy who got arrested earlier this week. The victim was 56-years-old and his roommate. He arrived home, rested, intoxicated, and in a mood to argue, according to some of the things said to the police. He then, as I said, threw stuff, got a pellet gun out, at least it's not an actual gun that's going to do more harm, and did what he did. You know, so this is crazy. This is insane.

If I was the roommate, I would have had my real gun by my side and I would have been like, hey, man, don't take any steps closer to me. This ends badly for you. But that is absolutely one more Florida man doing Florida man stuff.

All right, let's fire off one last one. This Florida guy was accused of running an illegal animal fighting ring, a cockfighting ring in his house. Investigators began calling nine or excuse me, people began calling 911 and investigation started because the guy had 30 to 50 friends over and then he had a bunch of chickens that were in his backyard. And then sometimes neighbors would notice that some of these chickens would wind up outside and dead. And they were like, well, that's probably not normal.

And the 50 guys coming over didn't always seem like they knew each other all that well. Detectives did not take long to investigate this case. They found at least 48 counts of animal cruelty, 74 counts of animal fighting and baiting. They set a bond at 2500 bucks each for 122 charges.

This guy was put in jail in Orlando, Florida, and his bail amount is $305,000 because the amount of crazy things going on when he got 30 to 50 people over in any scenario, it usually doesn't end well for you. I actually very much remember in college, living in Chicago, in Wrigleyville near the Cubs. This was 20 years ago, not as dangerous as it is now. And my roommate loved to throw social media parties, put them up on Facebook, see how many people show up. And sometimes it was horrible. Sometimes it was awful. And anytime you cram a large amount of people into a small space, you're getting the attention of the entire neighborhood.

I don't know why anyone doesn't seem to know that. This guy didn't seem to think his plan would ever be blown up or hacked, but they were very easily caught in the horrible things they're doing. Nothing ever that crazy happened at the parties my roommate would throw in our house, by the way. The worst thing I ever remember is drunk people being asleep in my front yard when I would get up for work the next day if I had to work on, say, a weekend or something. That was really weird because you just kind of like kick people by the foot and be like, hey, man, you probably shouldn't be here.

You should probably be anywhere else. Like, ah, dude, sorry. And then they go. There's no smooth way to wake up in someone else's front yard. I don't think I ever met a single dude who made that seem like he had made some good decisions the night before.

But then again, I guess I should self reflect. We were the ones throwing the party that included these idiots. So maybe that's partly on us, although I was never the one putting it out on the social media for all the people to show up.

And I imagine now there'd be an even worse decision than it was back when Facebook was relatively new. Partners who will bring you free radio, the folks over at Kel-Tec, the P-15, if you don't have it, you should. Why don't you have it?

I mean, ask yourself that. Every time somebody talks about gun control, I kind of want to go out and get a new gun. And you can do the same thing. And if you don't have the P-15, look, I just gave you justification.

So you can be like, no, I need it because, you know, it's fighting gun control. Kel-Tec is a great company based in Florida. The all American dream. I love the story, but I love what they make as well.

Just as much, if not more, really. The P-15, awesome nine millimeter striker fire pistol. You have the polymer version, which has texture grip.

Awesome. You have the wood version metal, or sorry, metal version, which has the wood paneled textured grips. It looks like a James Bond gun. It's truly, it's really cool. It's very classy looking. That's a classy looking gun. You have the tritium and fiber optic front sight, fully adjustable fiber optic, two dot rear, striker fire reliability. Great, great trigger pull.

And you've got a lifetime warranty as well. It's compact and ideal for concealed carry. It's from the inventors of the micro compact pistol category.

So you have to check it out. Concealable, dependable firepower from Kel-Tec. Learn more about the P-15 at Kel-TecWeapons.com. That's K-E-L-T-E-C-Weapons.com.

Tell them Dania sent you and check out the P-15 today. Secret Service, according to NBC, says it's appalled by the DEI rhetoric against female agents after the Trump rally shooting. Appalled? They're appalled. I'm appalled. No, you can't be appalled. They're appalled first. Too bad, because I am. I'm appalled-er.

I'm appalled-est. I got aggravated because I had, on Facebook, somebody that is on my personal page, somebody was sharing the, well, why doesn't anyone, you know, applaud this agent? I'm not going to sit here and backpat people who did their jobs, men or women. But I am going to point out the chicks who didn't do their jobs or the dudes who didn't do their jobs. What happens if the people who didn't do their jobs in this particular aspect were well, was when they were hustling them into the car and it was these two Paula Blarts to steal from Kane that were doing this. It was like watching Ghostbusters Part 2 or 3, like the chick ones, right?

Secret Service, in a statement to NBC, said that the criticism from pundits and influencers was baseless, and the agency stands by its commitment to diversity and recruiting as helping not hurting the effectiveness of its protective teams. Oh my gosh, I almost just, I, oh gosh, I really want to say something politically incorrect. I think they should get fatter chicks. Just get some big ol' heifers, right?

Get some meaty heifers and send them out there, right? Why can't you get just giant guys that identify as chicks? That's sad, ma'am. It's Friday.

Half of you are going on vacation. No, I think they should probably get fatter chicks, Kane. Show that you are so, I don't believe that you're committed to diversity, Secret Service, unless you get me a Jabba the Hutt type chick, right? I want like somebody who can't even go into a Lane Bryant because they can't walk through the front door. I want that. Somebody who you can't even put a holster on them because it would be like popping the casing on a sausage. I want that. Like prove to me that you're that diverse by getting, get me a chunky hermaphrodite and like glue a holster to them. I gotta be honest, I'm not agreeing with you on this.

No, no, no. I want them to prove it. I want them to prove it. I want somebody that has to be, I want, get me a chunk, get me some kind of chunky heifer that, like Jabba the Hutt, that is to prove your commitment to like diversity and all this.

And she has to have her own separate aid wheel her out, like on one of those flatbed things like they got at Lowe's when you go and you buy too much plants and soil. Get that. I want that. Get that out there.

Prove your commitment. And who would need a holster? You just put the gun right in a fold.

Yeah. And then when she needs to fire, you just wheel her around the direction that she needs to shoot. Just do that. Show your, prove your commitment. I don't believe you until I see that. I want to see a whole bunch of new recruits on those little flatbed trolleys.

Going out there. That's what I want. DEI. Didn't earn it. Yeah. That's DEI. Die hard. DEI. Die hard. I mean, my gosh.

But they're mad. Anthony Googlemie, whatever the hell his last name is. Sounds right. He said in a statement, we stand united against any attempt to discredit our personnel and their invaluable contributions to our mission and are appalled by the disparaging and disgusting comments against any of our personnel. I bet he pees sitting down. You know, you don't. Come on, don't. It's true.

It's funny because it's true. But hasn't he seen the videos? No, he probably hasn't.

He's probably too busy using government computers to watch porn. I don't know. But isn't it fair that people would have that responsibility? Totally fair to expect. It's unfair to expect accountability from government.

That's right. Come on. I mean, you know, your tax dollars. I mean, what do our tax dollars get here?

I want the best of the best. You know, I'm honestly a little disappointed that my Secret Service agents can't shoot lasers out of their eyes for the amount of money that I pay in taxes. I'm ticked off. I'm pissed off, frankly, about this. I pay so much in tax. I want, if something happens, like, what should have happened on Saturday for the amount of money I pay in tax dollars and the amount of money you pay in tax dollars is you should have had somebody up there take off their sunglasses like that dude from X-Men and just laser the ever-loving hell out of that guy.

Actually, what would have happened, they would have done that the moment he tried getting around the metal detector. Just and then put the sunglasses back on. And there's no mess or cleanup because it just, you know, it just completely evaporates them. There's not even ash.

It's just so finely done that it's just smoke. That's it. Right? That's what I expect from my tax dollars. Right? What I expect from my tax dollars is some go-go gadget stuff.

All right? Like, I expect, like, damn Transformers. They all should have formed a Voltron on stage. We should be like the bad guys in Terminator. Yeah, I'm telling you, for the amount that we pay in tax dollars, it should have been like, and I'll form the head, you know, and then they're with their feet and hands and then they just beat the hell out of all the threats.

That's what should have happened. By God, that's what we pay for our tax dollars. That's what we should get as America.

I want a damn Voltron Secret Service agent. These are not unrealistic expectations. No, they're not. They are not.

They are very realistic. Ask Elon Musk. This can be made true. And instead you got the media. What's on his Venmo?

I looked at his Spotify list. Just look how far our media has fallen. Like we, they used to go, like we had the penny presses and they used to churn stuff out in the bowels of the, you know, of colonists' basements going at the, going at the British and the British would be like, you can't publish any more of this stuff. This is considered, they'd crank it out even more. And now they're like, your Venmo list hurt my feelings.

That's where they're at now. That's the evolution of the, the de-evolution of the press. No, for real. I, we, for what we pay, I don't, I don't care if you're, oh, you're offended? Somebody died, you asshat. You're offended? Oh, I'm appalled. Guess who else is appalled?

The family who's burying their dad today. Anthony Googly or Googly? Whatever your name is. You? Guy who sits down to pee?

Who's the Secret Service's Chief of Communications? He's appalled? Ask, hey, I wonder if the guy that they're putting six feet under today is appalled? Oh, wait, he can't be because he's dead. Because a guy that you guys allowed through shot and killed him. Critically wounded two others.

Almost killed the President of the United States. I'm appalled that people are appalled. I'm appalled that you're appalled that people are appalled.

I'm appalleder than you. He has this, he goes, it's an insult to the women of our agency to apply that, to imply that they're unqualified based on, no, we're, we're assuming that they're unqualified based on the fact that they are visibly untrained fat asses. On video. On video. This is not like, yeah, this is not something that happened in secret that you're hearing third party information about. It's something that happened like visibly on camera that we all see. And they were not and you already admitted they were all of them weren't Secret Service agents. We're specifically talking about the ones that were fumbling with stuff and didn't know where to go. I'm not going to sit here and pay the pen, pay this indulgence of, oh, yes, the one agent that was on stage.

Yes, she did a great job before I can criticize anyone else. I shouldn't have to do that. That should smart people understand what I'm saying here.

But of course, Anthony googly googly sits down to pee doesn't understand that because he's not one of the smart people. You got to be kidding me. I mean, this is, you know, criticism of the female agents had been different. No, I would be meaner probably.

No, I probably wouldn't be. I'd be as mean if it were dudes. But we just see the women because they were the two chicks because they were right there in that footage that we were looking at. My only criticism of the people and it wasn't just the woman.

I think it was the other dude that was with her when they were on stage is that they weren't. I just think, you know, if you're if you're protecting if your principal is like six, three, maybe be bigger than five, seven. I'm just saying chicker dude. That's so me.

Yeah, it is. Because I'm more interested about protecting lives than then rustling the jimmies of your feelings. That's why get over yourself. These people that make an that make an idol of their own feelings and put that as a greater importance.

Prioritize that over the protection that these people's positions are there to serve. Get real. Golly.

I mean, this it's perfectly, completely reasonable. And this chick, Cheetle, she's unqualified. And it's evident, by the way, she's running this agency. These criticisms didn't just start Saturday predated that. In fact, Trump, there's a tweet that he's got some years back where he was actually talking about that. He said this chick needs to be replaced. This is not.

I actually retweeted it. So this idea this is we're not going to allow this argument as a distraction from accountability because that's what they want to focus on. Oh, you're only criticizing them because they're women.

No, we're criticizing them because they were incompetent. And we're saying that they're women because they were women. Don't get it confused.

That is that's mind rot. That is so dumb. This isn't a Mott Bailey.

This is it is what it is. This is these people were unqualified. These two people who were unqualified in the camera happened to be chicks. And I'll go on saying I don't think a woman should be taking a bullet for a man. I don't think a woman should be going out there providing executive protection for a dude who's like, you know, six, three and she's five, seven.

This is basic Leonidas versus Xerxes science and logic here. Is it about protection or is it about you? Because if it's about you, then you're not in this for the right reasons. Get out.

So someone who can be in it for the right reasons can be in it. Oh, you're you're you sound like a bitch when you whine about how these people are being. I'm not apologizing.

No, you sound like that. This is ridiculous. You're talking about the protection of the United the president of the United States. And like I said, I don't previously I don't care if it's a Democrat or Republican. For crying out loud, we are the leader of the free. This is the leader of the free world. We are the most powerful nation on the planet. Should we not have security that represents this for our world, our leader?

Should we not? Because it's not just the leader of the United States. That leader is an avatar for something. That avatar is representative of the bloodless transition of power. That avatar is representative of millions upon millions of choices that have been given by voters through their authority, through consent of their vote. That is what it is representative of. You're not protecting just a person. You are protecting the ideal of this republic manifest by this position.

That is what that security protects. And I dare say that we deserve better than what we got on Saturday. Hey, dudes, listen up. I have a gift idea that could truly impress the lady in your life and transform your home into a much needed sanctuary, all with the luxurious comfort of Cozy Earth. It's called Cozy Earth.

She'll be impressed. And Cozy Earth uses only the finest fabrics and textiles, making their products super soft and comfortable. For example, you could give the gift of comfort and support with Cozy Earth's durable weave bedsheet fabric that keeps your bed, your bedsheet smooth and luxurious for years.

And you can say goodbye to pilling also. With a 10-year guarantee, these sheets are super comfortable. It's a long-lasting investment.

And ladies, you don't have to wait for somebody to get this for you. You can create your own comfort and sanctuary with Cozy Earth's best-selling bamboo sheet set made from 100% premium viscose. It's very luxurious. So, we just got our sheets. That's their California king size.

And they had our color, which was Harbor Mist. That's the one I picked out. So, I love the selection. I love how easy it is to navigate their website and find what you want. So, if you want to make every bedroom a sanctuary, do it with Cozy Earth.

Breathable, ultra soft and even softer with every wash. Try them risk-free today for 100 nights and love them or get a full refund. And that's one of the best money-back guarantees in the business. So, your bed's calling. And answer with the ultimate in comfort and get up to 40% off only at CozyEarth.com slash Dana using code Dana. And don't forget, tell them I sent you in the post-purchase survey and you can get some free socks. That's CozyEarth.com slash Dana and use code Dana to get up to 40% off. And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's Quick Five. This is kind of wild.

Divers found cases of 150-year-old sparkling wine in a shipwreck off the coast of Sweden. And it might still be drinkable. No one tell all these, like, the cat ladies out there that are, oh my gosh, everybody get offended. You know I'm joking. Come on.

First off, can I just be real? Because they took pictures of it and it looks pretty grody. My first thought is, is that drinkable? That's not my first thought.

I gotta be honest with you. Not my first thought. And I don't know if it's, like, corked, then can't it still get, like, seawater in it? Through the cork? Especially if it's been under there for 150 years, right?

It's also waxed. Maybe not. I don't know.

Like, I've got some, like, questions about the bottling process here. I don't know. California education official embezzled over $60 million, hid the cash in a mini fridge. You know. $7.7 million in property, all kinds of stuff.

This, oh my gosh, all high-end tequila. A former public school district official, Jorge Contreras, 53, worked in the Magnolia School District. It's a public district. He was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, had to pay over $16 million in restitution. He pled guilty to embezzlement and theft and intentional misapplication of funds and all of this stuff. He spent it on a very lavish lifestyle. Oh, man, it's bad. And, I mean, these people, like, when he purchased all this luxury stuff, like, tackiest taste ever.

Just like wine. Let's see, this, um, oh. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, this selfie. Can we please stop this? This is another selfie death. A young couple expecting a baby were swept out to sea and killed by a freak wave while taking a photo via the New York Post.

Oh my gosh. This was, they were on what the area called the Death Rocks in this part of California. And the 30 and 33-year-old, you know, young parents, they were in Santa Cruz. There's a lot of currents.

They say it can change very quickly. They were taking a, they were taking a photo with the sea as their backdrop, doing a selfie, and they got, a huge wave came in, and they got swept out to sea. I mean, there's, like, warning signs and everything. That is so awful. Oh my gosh, what a horrible, horrible story. Just people be careful.

I've seen people fall down, like, myself in public, like, trying to do selfies, and they, like, something happens, so stop that. Who you can pick on is Green Day. Oh, for sure. Now, this is, you can pick on these people all day long.

I will say there's an exception. I can't tell if, uh, what's his face? I can't remember his name. Uh, what is it? The guy had the lead singer of Green Day, Billy Joe Armstrong. I mean, he could be a dude.

He complains more than a regular woman. But he was on stage. What is it?

Audio sound by 28 is so lame. This is so cringe. Oh, go ahead, do it.

He's on stage. Okay, we get it. You don't like Republicans.

Are you ever gonna stop, like, menstruating over it? We get it. I mean, every, he's like, look, I don't like Republicans. You say what everybody else in entertainment says. You all bitch and moan about the same thing. Oh, you're so edgy. Oh my gosh. Is that why you, like, faked a British accent for your first album and in all your interviews?

I'm just curious. What are you saying? What are you typing over there? Just say it.

What are you doing? It's more punk to be Republican. It is. It literally is more punk to be Republican right now.

Yeah, it absolutely is. By the way, so real quick on this. Yeah, he changed the lyrics to American Idiot to I'm not a part of a MAGA agenda. Okay. And I'm not a part of a fake punk agenda.

There you go. By the way, Lorraine noted that Ilona got attention because some people said she looked like a 1980s Brooke Shield. And then Lorraine said the Tate wannabe dudes. I don't know why people like Andrew Taint. I don't know why that guy's a thing. I mean, you're bald and you pimp out chicks.

Like, what is your problem? His last name is Tate. I said that. Andrew Taint. What?

What did you say? I said Andrew Taint. That's his name.

Isn't it? Mr. and Mrs. Taint's son.

Tate. What are you saying? I said Andrew Taint. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm hearing. Hearing what? What do you think you're hearing? Because it's Tate and I think I'm hearing and that's what you're saying. Sure.

But it kind of is not. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of hard to tell if that guy's a dude or not.

But anyway, that makes sense. I don't know. I still don't know why people are.

People need to leave that chick alone. I mean, again, if you're gonna make fun of someone, make fun of Billy Joe Armstrong because he still pretends that he's punk. He's trans punk. He's not even punk. He's trans punk. Billy Joe Armstrong is trans punk. Green Day is trans punk.

Right? It's like a Frankenstein pop punk. It's so bad. It's so bad. I will fight you all day on this hill.

All day. But anyway, he held up a, what was it? Like a fake severed head. He did a Kathy. What's her face? The chick who looks like hair top but is not? Yeah. Kathy Griffin. I almost said. I'm so. Who's the Kathy Lee lady? Oh my gosh. I didn't mean that. Not her because I like her.

But I couldn't think of. Who is it? What's her name? Who are you talking about? The lady, the hair top looking chick who held up the severed head. Kathy Griffin.

She looks like orange hair? Yes. Kathy Griffin. Griffin. Kathy Griffin. Yeah.

Kathy Lee Griffin or something like that. No. That's different.

Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. Oh, I don't.

I mean, not for Griffin. I don't care about her. But the other Kathy Lee who's on the board. Yeah, Kathy Lee. She's fabulous.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I love her. She's like amazing. Not the one who looks like Ronald McDonald hair top had like a baby.

Not that one. Anyway, so he like pulls one of those and holds the severed head up and is like, look how punk rock I am. And like meanwhile, we're all rolling our eyes like, you're so not punk rock.

They are as punk rock as like Bieber is. Sorry. It's just not going to happen. It's just not going to happen. Thanks for tuning into today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.