Absurd Truth: Green Funerals

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. Well, well, well, let's go see what the sanest people in the world are up to right now.

Oh, yes, sanest considering everything that's happening in DC. All right, so first up, it's a bralette McD's. Or as my grandmother would say, Mac used to say, McDonald's, the Mac Donald's, the Florida Man attacked a disabled customer during a dispute at McDonald's did straight up in a wheelchair. It happened just this week, spitting punches flying and a drink thrown. And by the way, people who write stories, please do better jobs. I don't want to hear about Oh, he just self control for the both of them. No joke, tell us what happened. So basically, there was a disabled dude. And a 22 year old Florida man ended up attacking him. And they said that they've asked this guy to leave before because he gets belligerent with the workers and the staff. And the manager tried to separate the men. They said that the woman who's the manager said that the customer yelled her and called her names.

And apparently that's the way it all started. And the there was a disabled man there. And I guess he spoke up because the whole of the article so poorly written, they don't actually explain like how he got involved. But then they said the guy that the Andrew Childers is the guy who was the perpetrator here, 22 years old spit on the disabled man, and then threw a drink at the guy. And then the once one bystander said Childers was just standing up for his mom.

And he was arrested by the sheriff two days later in North Fort Myers. And by the way, so WESH needs to make sure that Sarah Mankiewicz writes better pieces because I would flunk this chick right out of my J school class. That's that bad. It's one of the worst written stories I've ever heard.

Like please learn how the you know, how to write a piece. Miami Herald, a Florida fireman was cleaning a skillet authorities say suddenly things escalated. What? Because they got into a fight over how to clean a cast iron skillet. They were saying you can't use dish soap because it takes the seasoning out of the pan and causes rust. There is a way to clean it. But you do clean the skillet. You do clean cast iron skillets. You just gotta be careful with how you do it.

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Kel-TecWeapons.com. It is just in time for spooky season, man. Oh, wait, you can't say that. That's not actually the story I was gonna talk about.

You're apparently that's you can't say that anymore. It's spooky season. It has to be spooky season. I swear to you.

That's true. He's about to die. Are you I was trying to make I'm like, how can I make you spit water all over your workstation? So the let's see, how can I do this? How are we gonna? So here's the fun little story just in time for Halloween that I saw on the Webber nets. Are you ready?

Here's from the Associated Press. Oh, get ready for this one, guys. Get ready. Check it ready.

Alrighty, okay. Police found at least 115 bodies at a green funeral home that doesn't use embalming chemicals or metal caskets. The mortuary is under investigation for handling human remains improperly.

Oh, so some real Rose for Emily stuff here. So the story. Police said Friday they found 115 of these bodies. The Fremont County Sheriff said they're coordinating with other agencies to determine if there's any wrongdoing. The return to nature funeral home in Penrose, Colorado.

Performed green burials without embalming chemicals or metal caskets. The investigation centered on a building owned by the funeral home where local residents reported smelling a foul stench before police became involved. It's not clear if a crime has been committed, says the FBI spokesperson. They say the funeral home operators are cooperating. The law enforcement has been in touch with them.

Penrose is a town of about 3000 people. A hearse parked in the back. Now under Colorado law because it's Colorado, green burials are legal. This was a law that was undoubtedly created after pot was legalized. And the state code requires that anybody not be buried within 24 hours must be properly refrigerated. Joyce Pavetti 73 can see the funeral home from the stoop of her house and said she caught whiffs of a putrid smell in the last weeks.

Quote, we just assumed it was a dead animal. No Joyce, you're smelling a person. Oh, my gosh. Now this is it gets better. I mean, worse. I don't mean to say worse. I mean, worse.

I don't mean to. This is so appropriate. The building says the AP has been occupied by different businesses over the years. Apparently they offered yoga classes at one point.

The yoga classes. Neighbor Ron Alexander thought the smell was coming from a septic tank, adding that the Wednesday night blur of law enforcement lights, quote, look like the Fourth of July. So it's the return to nature funeral home. So it is the burial of non embalmed, embalmed bodies and biodegradable caskets, shrouds, or they just throw you in a pit, nothing at all. No embalming fluids, no concrete vaults as natural as possible. You know what they charge for a natural burial?

Almost $2,000. That doesn't even include the cost of the casket and cemetery space. They add they advertise just you and the earth returning to nature.

Wait, they're charging you $2,000 for nature? Is that what like, why can't you just throw somebody out back then? Right? So they say this, they're very insistent on making this distinction, guys, quote, the green burial refers to burying bodies that have not yet been embalmed. That's different, they say from human composting in which the body is placed in a vessel and transformed into soil. Okay, wait, hold up.

You're, you're, wait, shut up, shut the front door. You're putting someone in the ground. Again, what did I tell you biodegradable casket, shroud or nothing at all? You're just putting them in some dirt so that they can biodegrade. Right?

The hell do you call that, Kane? How is that not composting? That's composting. No, but it's not composting because we put a shroud you put Oh, you put some cloth over it. Oh, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, maybe. You're, you're turning people into dirt. Still, this is the same thing. This is human composting.

How is this any different? Return to nature. This is the biggest grift I've ever seen.

$2,000 to return someone to nature. Like they're dead. What do you have against the fluids in that? Okay, I have a very unpopular opinion. I can't believe I'm talking about this, but we're gonna talk about it. I just don't get it.

Like, I've always said that I think cemeteries are just wastes of great real estate. I don't get it. Right?

You got it. Your your your your shell is put into a box and stuck in the earth. We are weird people. We are a weird species, aren't we?

That we are. Can you imagine going to a planet and being like, what are all these markers all over in these fields? And then you dig it up?

I mean, if you're an alien and you it's just weird, right? I mean, what are we supposed to do? I don't know. Yeah.

Well, my mom asked me to do something illegal when she kicks the bucket. What? Yeah, I'm gonna.

Yeah. Okay, so this is what she told me. Oh, I'm so doing it. Nobody'll know. I didn't say that I would do it either.

Because I just feel like there's a lot of things that can go wrong. So she said she wanted to be cremated. And then I'm supposed to go to this particular bridge over Black River and dump our ashes over. And I'm like, you realize that that's a crime, right?

Yes, you can't just be going to dump in people's ashes wherever. I see videos all the time. Okay, that's the movies in that you can't look it up. Because like, you can get in trouble for that stuff. I didn't know that. You can. Yeah, like, you can't be dumping people and go straight up into a waterway.

So if my parents have the same wish, I can't spread their ashes where they want. I mean, I think within reason, but I think there are certain things. Look, I I'm just telling you what the law is.

I'm not making a pronouncement about personal thoughts on it. I'm just telling you that's what the law is. And then there's also wind gusts. Yeah. Okay. I'm just saying a bridge over a river seems like there's gonna be some wind there. You know, you see where I'm going with this?

Then you get a light dusting of Nana. I just And she's like, now you better do this. Like, what in the world? If you don't have that writing chick, it ain't happening. And even then you can't make me sign.

Right? I mean, what does she if someone they can't do anything to you after look, if anybody was going to get haunted, my grandma would have haunted people, and she didn't haunt nobody. So I don't believe it. Because that woman was God lover. She is one of my favorite people on the planet, but she had more soul.

than exist currently in the world. If somebody was going to haunt somebody, it was her. And it didn't happen.

So I don't believe it. So there's nothing you can do to me nanny nanny booboo. I can not gonna go on a bridge and dump your ashes over and have it all blow up in my face.

You know that would happen Kane? Golly, can you imagine if you got a little in your mouth or something like Oh, my gosh, I can't this is like big. This is just literally like the big Lebowski. Dang it. It's Donnie's ashes.

Oh, my gosh. So anyway, the return to nature. I just feel like this is a major grift because they're saying we're going to throw you into a dirt pit and nature is going to take its course.

But that's $2,000 please. Who's to say I can't you know, I'm gonna put up a roadside stand, return to nature. I'll chuck your loved one up in a pit. I'll chuck them I'll eat them into the dirt.

And then 2000 1800 please see look, I'm competitive. Got competitive pricing. Right capitalism. Hey, would you would you would you like to get a ride? I don't know. Also, I just I don't like the idea of like going back. You know, I think like when your time's done, you want to be left alone. It's like get the hell away from my gravestone.

Leave me alone. But I, you know, when I look ahead to my eventual death, I'm not sure I even want this. Like this whole just chucked in the hole thing. Like there are people out there that are just like they think that this is the natural way to do it. I don't know. I just think I am.

I have very odd thoughts about funerary stuff. Is that the right way to say it? I don't know.

Probably not. I just having been to you know, have you got a big family go to a lot of them people kick the bucket. I just don't like it. It's weird to me. And I just don't like you know, you stick people like into the ground like a time capsule of horror. I just don't.

Doesn't make sense. And it's always like the best real estate too, right? And I didn't even get like my family. So Southern Missouri, and I think in southern parts of the country, you'll have your own little family cemetery, right?

Nothing fancy. It's this little family. It's where everybody sticks their old, you know, grandparents. And ours is on this beautiful hill, which I am not going to go there. It's on this beautiful hill overlooks the valley, you know, down to Southern Missouri. It's very pretty. And and I remember at one point, my mom admonished me.

She's like, you're being so disrespectful. I had a family member that passed and my family member, they observed these weird traditions where they junk the graves up with all kinds of trinkets, and it looks like crap. And somebody put literal wind chimes up there. And I'm like, who the hell are these for? You're putting these cheap, man. Who the hell are these for? You're putting these cheap made in China wind chimes up here by somebody's grave.

The dead can't hear. This is stupid. And my mom's like, what? Stop. I'm like, it looks so tacky with the fiber optic angel.

What is happening here? This looks like a yard sale, not a cemetery. All right, folks, so you've heard me talk about Hillsdale College giving away free copies of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence to my listeners for Constitution Day on September 17. They've set an immediate goal to give copies to 1 million Americans who don't have one.

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Don't delay. And now all of the news you would probably miss it's time for Dana's quick five. So curious about this Earth is hit by a blast of energy from a dead star so powerful that scientists can't explain it. It was a space slap. High highest energy gamma rays emitted by a pulsar called Vela that's 1000 light years away. Intense gamma rays detected using a vast system of telescopes in Namibia that would sizzle us to a crisp where we exposed to them.

They originate from the Vela Pulsar around 1000 light years from Earth. I don't know why I'm reading it like this because it's Friday. I accidentally had on purpose had a little sugar earlier. Very susceptible to that. So it's a little crazy. They said that we would be totally fried Phantom of the Opera face style. And they so I don't they don't know why.

Who cares? It's just some freaky stuff out there, man. There's some scary stuff on space. The apparently rock concerts are tame now. Wall Street Journal says you can think Gen Z. Gen Z. They're not. They're very different from Gen X. I didn't know I mean, they really are.

So they're not really like, I didn't even know they didn't sell beer in that at college games, which I guess would make sense, you know, but still, let's see this. Oh, 71% don't trust the US government to prevent doomsday. Is that shocking to anybody that really? Because I think I I don't I don't trust them to do anything. Much less this.

This is what they it's a study came out. Most people do not trust the American government on something like that. Oh, nobody. No, of course. Of course we don't. Of course we don't.

We totally don't. Also, I'm gonna go back up because there's a couple I didn't get up here. Starbucks is closing seven San Francisco locations amid a crime wave, but they swear that it's unrelated to crime, although it's totally seven locations in San Francisco. 97% of their restaurants. This is wild. Listen, 97% of the restaurants have experienced graffiti, crime, something something like that vandalism that's just in the past month.

97%. That's crazy. That's San Francisco. Gosh makes you want to go there on vacation, right?

Go there go there for a weekend. So I mentioned this cats apparently are among mammals that can emit fluorescence. I knew they were weird. They said that fluorescent compounds were found in their both bone teeth, claws, fur, feathers and skin. Wait feathers. It's a cat.

What's wrong with you? ABC guys ever heard of Tyler Cherry? No, no, not Tyler Perry.

Tyler Cherry. Is that his actual real name? It appears to be.

Is it though? So he is the spokesperson for the Secretary of the Interior. And he has a very interesting history.

He promoted the Russian hoax. He said healthcare was racist and transphobic. He's a big pronoun promoter. Everybody's racist, like some of his tweets say things like, Oh, he says that queer people of color.

There's the intersectional role that plays on police brutality and health care. What? And then he demands that people ask what your preferred gender pronouns are before assuming Oh my gosh. He's got some very weird pictures.

He also has a very well, he's got a the rural meth mallet. Let's be honest about what it is. Okay. He's got the haircut. Everybody knows y'all know this. Like, come on.

Like, we're Ozarks here. So we all know. So this fellow, this fellow has one of them haircuts, Cain, that he looks like he's someone's grown 40 something year old son who got involved in the meth still involved in the meth. And deals pain prescription prescription pain medicine out the back of the quick mark.

While his while his aunt, Aunt Honda works. That's what it that's what it looks like, doesn't it? It does.

It does. He's that dude. He's and he's just why is there do they have like a free quota that they got to have for these positions in the White House. So he's like, literally the deputy communications director for the interior. And remember, Deb Haaland was on record as to not knowing how much property China owned in the United States. Remember that?

That was that was a shining moment for her. So he's all over. I just think if you're going to be in government, maybe don't post photos of your your fetish nights.

On on x or Twitter. What you know, this guy, he started his career as a campaigns associate at media matters for America. Of course he did. That makes so much sense. I always say that media matters just are basically just George Soros lotion boys. This makes all the sense. Exactly right.

Any intern at the Center for American Progress? Oh, all the sense in the world. Like he's in a skirt and a mesh top. A mesh crop top in one. Sounds about right. The only people who should wear crop tops are like, if you've got the abs to wear them, if you're a woman, or if you're a college or high school football player, and then they wear those in the 80s over their pads or something like that.

Yes. And then because they're over the football pads. Otherwise, why are you wearing a crop top? It don't make no sense.

It's stupid. I don't get it. So he does have cat lady vibes too.

He apparently lives in DC now with his husband and two exuberant cats. He also has veneers that are bigger than his actual jaw structure. I don't get this. Like if you're going to do veneers, make them fit your face. Otherwise, I what I'm looking at. I mean, I'm looking at giant Tic Tacs. He's got like the giant fun, like the giant Tic Tac teeth. Yeah, they're chiclet teeth. Like for real, like his teeth. Actually, his two front teeth are the size of like two chiclets put together. I mean, this is crazy. And they're all the same size.

Everywhere else, they're all the same size. I mean, just didn't even look natural. What is up with the veneer thing? And then people can't talk in them. It's weird. Anyways, they're like lips get stuck on them. They just they can't. They can't talk. All right. We got more to come. I just want to know why this guy's in there. Why? Between him and the nuclear twink. I mean, good night. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcast, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.