Dear Gary | June

Across Africa, millions of Christians are suffering a Bible famine. They hunger for God's Word, but there simply aren't enough Bibles. Today, Timothy Project is close to launching Africa's first Bible web press. To help complete this project, visit TimothyProject.info. Maybe sometime you could address the concept of fake validation.

We don't communicate anymore. Looking at your materials, we don't see anything for people in their eighties. She always tells me that I never lived up to being a good mom. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" .

Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for June as Dr. Chapman takes a variety of questions about relationship struggles, the ups, the downs, and there are some ups and downs represented today. As there always are, and some thank yous for Gary for his program and podcasts and books. One of those books is our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us. He wrote this with Arlene Pellicaine, Screen Kids, Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World.

You can find out more about that at buildingrelationships.us. Gary, when your children were young, the screen was a television set.

So this is kind of a whole new world, isn't it? Oh, absolutely, Chris. You know, we had clear rules. There were three or four programs that they could choose two, you know, two 30-minute programs on TV.

So they had some choice, but that's all the TV they saw. And today, of course, yes, I mean, screens are controlling the world. And parents are letting screens do all the babysitting and a lot of other stuff.

So, this book will help a lot of parents who are already struggling with, you know, how am I going to handle all this, you know, because it will help you make some guidelines with your children because we want them to. learn how to have skills in relationships, not just watching a screen, you know.

So yeah, this book, I'm I'm very excited about it. And of course, Arlene Pellikane, my co-author on this book, is just super in this area. She is. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see that book, Screen Kids. Buildingrelationship.us Now, Gary, this is our last program before we take a summer break.

So, next week and all the way through July and August, you're going to hear Best Up broadcasts. From this past year, and we would love to hear a question or a comment from you over the summer.

So call our listener line. I'll give it to you a couple times here: 866-424-Gary. And I'll slow down. 1-8-66-4. Four two four.

4279. If there's a question about relationships that you have as a parent, as a friend, dating, marriage, whatever it is. eight six six four two four Gary And let me mention that July marks the 100th anniversary of Moody Radio. And I would like to hear from you, Gary. You were born 12 years after Moody Radio went on the air.

So you've got a long history. You came to Moody Bible Institute around 1955, and you told me you didn't, because you were so involved in classroom work, you didn't really pay much attention to what was on the radio. But here's my question. Did you ever think you would have a national program on Moody Radio when you studied at Moody? The short answer is no.

Never ever crossed my mind. In fact, when Moody Radio came to me, and I don't remember the year, you may remember, Chris, but and asked if I'd be open to doing a radio program, my first response was, oh, I don't know. I'm a counselor. I mean, I listen to people. I don't get on and talk, you know.

I mean, came back a little later and said, What if we got you a really good co-host? Or would you be open to it? And I said, well, I'd I'd pray about it. And they came back, Chris, and said, well, how about Chris and Andrea Fabry? And by that time, I knew about you guys, okay?

Yes, yes. And I said, oh, I'll pray about that. I didn't have to pray long. And I said, yeah, if that'd be my co-host, I'll do it. And so here we have, how many years have we been going, Chris?

Well, we started in 2007.

So whatever, do the math in your head. I'm not good on math. It's been a long, it's been a long, good journey together. And Moody Radio was a part of that, brought us together. And you've spoken into a lot of people's lives.

And so I just want to highlight that as we head into July, which is the 100th anniversary. Dr. Gary Chapman has been a part of that since 2007. And here's one of the programs that we thought we would do. Just about every month, we have what we call a Dear Gary broadcast where people call in and ask you questions.

And our first caller today has a program idea about a communication problem that she has. Here's her topic suggestion. Hi, Gary. I was just wondering if maybe sometime you could address the concept of fake validation or Like gained validation, because that's something I've been experiencing in a relationship where it's almost like they pretend they're listening to me. and pretend they're validating me.

But like in my gut it feels like They're not. And they're actually kind of Not believing me.

So yeah. Maybe you can cover that sometime. Thanks so much for all your work. Bye.

Well, you can almost feel the pain in the voice of this caller. Uh all of us like to be heard. If we're talking, it's because we think we have something to say. And if the other person is just, you know, apparently listening. And maybe even affirming, you know, with mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But in our mind, they come across to us as their mind's somewhere else. They're not really listening to what we have to say. because they don't have a response that solicits, you know, am I hearing what you're saying? Is this what you're saying? I want to make sure I understand you.

They're not asking those kind of questions. And that's what changes the dynamic. is when they're not only just sitting there in your presence listening to you talk, But they are asking you questions to make sure they understand what you're saying. That is an engaged listener. And that's what this caller is really longing for: an engaged listener, not just one that sits there and gives the impression that they're listening.

But the fact that they don't respond in any way to ask clarifying questions, or what are the implications of this, or how might we apply what you're saying, or is there anything I can do that would help what you're sharing? They don't ask those questions.

So there's no conversation going on, really. And that's what she's really asking for. Yeah. And and truth. You know, I want to hear the even if you disagree with me or don't think I'm right in what I'm saying, tell me that rather than pretending.

I heard Al and Autumn Ray say they're going to be our guests coming up, I believe, in the fall. Being heard is so close to feeling loved that most people can't tell the difference. I think that's kind of what she's talking about, right? Yeah, I think you're right, Chris. We want to feel like that a person is interested in us enough.

that they really want to hear and understand what we're saying. And then, yes, we want their feedback. If it's a close relationship like a marriage, we want their feedback. In fact, we should ask for their feedback. What do you think?

Because I'm interested in your perspective. And when we take that approach also, we're encouraging active listening because we're actually asking for their feedback. What do you feel about this? Or how do you see this? And when you have that kind of interest, They're far more likely to share because sometimes the reason they don't share where they are or don't ask questions is because they're afraid to get into an argument.

particularly if that's been a pattern that they've established in their relationship. A featured resource today is the book Gary wrote with Arlene Pellicaine: Screen Kids: Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. You can find out more at the website buildingrelationships.us. Again, buildingrelationships.us. Gary, I don't think we've ever had this issue come up in the last 19 years or so when we started this program.

And I'm interested in your reaction to our next caller. Essentially We are newly married. Year and a half. on my first marriage is fifty four years. My current wife's first marriage was Sixty-four years.

when looking at your materials We don't see anything for people in their eighties, really. as a general stuff of money goal.

So other documents You get a teenage book, but you have a A senior senior's book? Looking looking for information. that is suitable for us. Instead of these. thirty year long marriages or whatever.

which is a very short time. as far as we're concerned. But where do you want to go? Another twenty. Talk you letter.

Okay, I got to jump in here. I think for somebody who's been married 30 plus years, it's like, eh, you know, that's nothing compared with what we're going through. But I love what he said at the end. We want to go another 20. And, you know, okay, so what do you say?

Well, first of all, he's right. I've never written a book on that. Because what I heard him say is that one of them had been married to their original spouse 64 years and one 54 years. And apparently both of them are deceased and they met each other in their 80s and now they are trying to figure out how do we make marriage at this stage work for us. You know, I'm at that stage myself, but my wife's still living and I hope she lives another 20 years.

In fact, she and I both have talked about if one of us died before the other, would the other one get remarried? And my wife has just said very dogmatically, no, absolutely not. I'm not going to train another one. I can hear Carolyn say that. I believe you.

And I honestly don't think I would get remarried either if she died before. I did. But you know, one never knows until you're going through an experience. But I hear the caller, and obviously, at that stage of life, things are different, and there are different things you have to be thinking about because each of you have a history, each of you have assets, financial assets, each of you have families, extended families, very likely children, grandchildren, maybe great-grandchildren at that point. And so, there's a lot more things to deal with when you're at that age and you're just getting married.

Uh so I don't know, Chris, if there are books out there. I'd like to think that there are that deal with issues at that age. Maybe we can check that out. And if not, well, maybe I can do some research and write a book on that because I think it's a good idea.

Well, you can write with them, with that kind of thing. Let me jump into that then in his situation, because one of the things that I think might happen if you've been married to somebody for 64 years and the other's 54 years. You have such a history. How do you deal with that lost spouse, you know, the spouse who's passed away? Do you, and how do you not compare?

Well, my husband used to, and my wife used to, and that kind of thing. How do you deal with that, you know, honor the person who's passed away, but at the same time, love the person who you're married to now? Yeah. Yeah, that would certainly be a key question because I think you're exactly right. There would be that tendency to expect your husband or your wife to do the kind of things that your former husband or wife did.

And I would think that would be a point of contention in a lot of marriages at that juncture. Uh and I think we'd have to I think there ought to be a lot of premarital counseling. before you make a decision. I mean, you may think, well, we've been married before and we've done it for a long time. We know how to do this.

But you're facing issues and a history that is coming together, and it's two different histories that are coming together. There is a sense in which I think it would be even more difficult Uh in the 80s. to be marrying after you've had a successful long marriage to be marrying again to someone else, there's going to be issues you're facing that you really didn't face even in the first marriage. Yeah, I appreciate the call, and I'm sorry we're not giving a really good answer in terms of specifics, but I do think that there are issues that need to be dealt with before you get married. And then I would also suggest as you run into problems, Don't think you're too old to go for counseling.

I mean, seek out a Christian counselor and be honest about what you're struggling with rather than just you get to the place where you're just kind of miserable with each other because you know you've got situations you haven't been able to deal with.

So be mature enough at least. when you when if you do have struggles that you can't settle yourself, to reach out to a Christian counselor and let them help you. or the tension that comes From your kids or her kids, yeah, and I've seen I've heard that a lot, haven't you? Right, absolutely. Because sometimes the kids don't want you to get married.

Right. Daddy, why are you getting married? You're 85 years old. And they're thinking, you're just compounding the problem here. you're going to pass on financially whatever you have to those of us who are children, but what are her children going to think about that?

And have you all settled this before you get married? How are you going to handle the finances? and her whatever asset she has and assets you have and the house that she probably owns, the house that you own and And you know So I think you need to consider your children's concerns. And I would say even before you get married, talk with your children about it and let them know what you're thinking in terms of how to handle all those kind of things. Because the more information you give them up front, the less likely they're going to be super, super disturbed with the fact that you're getting married again.

There's a lot of issues there with your adult children. And and even your grandchildren.

So I'm not saying you shouldn't get married at 85 or whatever. I'm just saying you need to really think your way through and deal with the issues before you get married that will help make things a lot easier for you and for your children. And isn't it interesting how communication comes up, communicating with your kids? This is what's going on. And if you keep it a secret and the ramifications of that.

Okay, great call. Thank you. If you have a question for Dr. Chapman, 866-424-GARY, leave a message. We're going to come back in the fall and answer some of these questions that we get over the summer.

866-424-GARY.

Next up is a mom in a difficult situation. Hi, Dr. Gary.

Now my question is about my daughter, my adult daughter, she's forty-one. According to her, She always wanted to have a relationship with me when she was young, when she was a teenager. I thought I was doing the best that I could But apparently she always tells me that I just Never lived up to being a good mom. She said she has forgiven me, but she brings it up often. And I could tell.

In her demeanor and the way that she talks about me, that she has resentment.

Now I can live with Anne, although it hurts very much, but I do want her prayers to be answered. She now has a teenage daughter that is sort of rebelling. My first granddaughter that I love dearly. She's a a good kid, but she's sort of rebelling. And she has asked me for forgiveness in front of Uh my granddaughter.

And I tell her it's never too late to ask for forgiveness. And I forgive you. I love you. And I have asked for forgiveness. my um shortcomings as a mom because I I know I have 'em.

I can recall. Anything major that I did, fight. back in that Say my life was a blur.

So I don't want to minimize her feelings. And her reasons, although they're not clear to me. how I am such a bad mom, but I do want her to forgive me. Genuinely, because I know how important it is for your prayers to be answered. not holding a grudge, especially to your mom.

I personally had issues with my mom. And at the end of her life, God to really forgive her and it made a difference.

So that's my question, Dr. Gary.

What can I do to make sure that she genuinely forgives me and that she doesn't hold any bitterness? Is there? Away? Thank you so much.

Well, Chris, I would wonder how many conversations they have had about this issue. You know, whether it was just one or two, you know, really big moments that they. the the daughter shared these things with her uh or whether it's bis you know she just talks about it continually. Because these kind of things don't get resolved without conversations. And so the ideal thing is if a mother gets the message in any way she does that her adult daughter felt like she was not a good mother.

would be to ask questions and to say, you know, I want to know how you feel. I want to know what you felt growing up because I can't read your mind, and I didn't know you were feeling certain ways, but I want to know because I want to apologize for anything that I've done that was hurtful and wrong or anything I failed to do. Will you? I just want to listen and ask you to share with me. And don't worry about hurting me because I'll be more hurt if you don't share them with me.

And let her honestly share. And don't defend yourself at all. Just listen to her perception of what life was like with you as her mother. and maybe even take some notes as she's talking to show that you're sincerely trying to hear what she's saying and ask her questions. Is this what you're saying?

I just want to make sure that I understand you. And having that kind of in-depth conversation. And if you think that's impossible with her, uh just the two of you, uh and maybe do it in the presence of a counselor. Who can help each of you hear each other and understand each other? That is, if you've tried this and there's been explosions in the middle of trying to be open and honest.

Uh let let a third party be there. They can help you process that. I do think that's the first essential, is hearing the daughter out. and not trying to defend yourself, but just trying to understand. Where she felt, because if she felt it, then emotionally that's what she experienced.

It was not necessarily your intention at all in what you did or didn't do. but it's what she felt. And that's what's influenced her, that she is looking back and feeling like that you failed her in some ways.

So there has to be an openness to hear. her perceptions of how you feel. before you can apologize sincerely. And then you apologize sincerely, not just by saying I'm sorry. But by I don't know if you've read my book on the five apology languages, but if you haven't I suggest you read it because it helps you know how to apologize in a sincere way a way that's meaningful to the other person because just to say I'm sorry is is not though that's the most common apology It's the least effective apology in terms of coming across as sincere And so I think hearing it first and then sincerely apologizing, not necessarily that you were morally wrong, but that you see what your behavior, the impact it had on her, and you're apologizing.

And you're saying, I wish I had never done that, you know. And you're asking, you know, what can I do at this point that would make it up to you, that would, you know, show you that I'm sincere. That's what you want to experience is a sincere apology after you hear the reality of what she's thinking and feeling.

Now I don't know what her, you say her daughter, your granddaughter is, it's a kind of rebellious stage. Obviously many teenagers go through that. But uh I think the book, "The 5 Love Languages" of Teenagers, would be a good book for her, your daughter, to have, to read, to understand her own daughter, if she hasn't read it and is not familiar with "The 5 Love Languages" , because there's a possibility that her daughter is growing up feeling unloved as well. Because if we don't speak their love language, even though we love them in our hearts, They don't feel loved. and that may be a part of the situation with your your adult uh daughter.

Perhaps you did not speak her love language. Consequently, she did not feel loved, even though you loved her. That's why I say to parents, the question is not do you love your children? The question is, do they feel loved? Because if they don't feel loved, Then it's going to show up in their behavior toward you and in life.

And a teenage daughter who is rebellious toward her mother, it may well be that she doesn't feel loved.

So that would be a good gift for you to give your daughter, and you can read it yourself. and say to her, I wish I had read this when you were a teenager, you know? But it's communication, sincere, open communication. that will bring healing. And if you can't do it, just the two of you, then ask your daughter if she's willing to go for counseling with you so that you can together work through this.

Two resources there: the five languages of teenagers, five love languages of teenagers, the secret to loving teens effectively, and then the five apology languages, the secret to healthy relationships that you wrote with Dr. Jennifer Thomas. You can find those at the website buildingrelationships.us. Buildingrelationships.us. And the really positive thing here, Gary, is that her daughter, even though she's hurt.

She's talking. There are so many calls that we get here from parents who've said, my kids won't have any you know, I can't call them, I can't see the grandkids, you know, they've shut me out. At least her daughter is talking with her. That is a good sign, isn't it? It is a good sign.

In fact, it's the starting place. when there's a relationship fracture is for the one who feels like they were hurt or treated unfairly. to verbalize it in a you know in as a positive way as you can, but a realistic way. And so, yeah, that's why the whole thing of communicating those things, it's a process that we have to go through if we're going to find healing. This is the Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman podcast. We have some great resources for you at buildingrelationships.us. You'll find a list of seminar locations coming up for Dr. Chapman and find out about our featured resource, which is the book Gary wrote with Arlene Pellicaine, Screen Kids, Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. Just go to buildingrelationships.us or find us at fivelovelanguages.com.

Again, the website buildingrelationships.us. And let me give you our number where you can ask Dr. Chapman a question or give some encouragement. 866-424-Gary, the question that you ask, the comment that you make about some relational struggle or relational high point might help somebody else who's going to be listening. 1-866-424-4279.

I want you to hear from a caller, Gary, who resonated with something on a previous program. Here we go. Hi, Gary. I'm listening to the program this morning. My marriage has been 37 years, so this is a comment.

I had to do exactly what you had stated. In regards to wanting this relationship to work, um, that we needed to either go for counseling or I'm going to have to just take a break and see how badly you want this. And um, it's really neat. God's been working in our lives. We've put him first.

And I'm just blessed to see how he's working this relationship out.

So I wanted to share that. Thank you. Well, Chris, it's always encouraging when listeners take action, which is what she did, reaching out and getting help and now experiencing the value of that.

So, yeah, if we don't do something, things don't get better. We have to take action. And so she took action, and that, I think, is the lesson all of us need to learn. Do something that will be constructive. I love that she said us.

God's working on us. It's not just fix him. You know, God's working on us. That is a positive statement, isn't it? Absolutely.

Absolutely. She is right in the middle of a marriage struggle and in the middle of one of your books. Gary, here's our next caller. Hi, Dr. Gary.

I am currently listening to your book, Loving Your Spouse, When You Feel Like Walking Away. I am on chapter thirteen. And I have been going through various trials and tribulations in my marriage. And I've been trying to reconcile with my husband, and we've gone to numerous counseling sessions and can you recommend a counselor in my area close by Where we can potentially seek counseling from a therapist. That maybe has the same processes and views that you do to kind of help us Potentially find out if we can stay married or ultimately we need to go in separate ways.

And again, I am just at my with end and I'm looking for some type of result. in my marriage. I do not want to give up on it. I do love my husband, but he is very, very difficult. I have nothing else.

to do. I I don't know what else to do. Thank you for your time.

Well, Chris, I appreciate her call because she's acknowledging that she really wants to make things different. She wants to follow the message of that book, Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. But she's struggling and she's asking for advice on where to find a counselor. I don't know any counselors personally that live in her city, but I will give you two suggestions. Number one, focus on the family, the radio program, focus on the family.

You can Google them. They have over 20 counselors on their staff. who will hear your story, hear where you are, and then they have a list of counselors around the country that they can make recommendations. They don't do long-term counseling themselves, but they'll hear your story, see where you are, and then they will give you information on how to contact a Christian counselor in your area. There is another organization called American Association of Christian Counselors.

AACC, American Association of Christian Counselors. And I think you can Google them as well. They have a thing on their website where you can put in your zip code and they will send you a list of counselors, Christian counselors in your area. and you can call them and share a little bit about your situation and ask, you know, is this the sort of thing that you could perhaps help us with?

So those would be my two suggestions in terms of trying to find a Christian counselor. The other suggestion would be that you call a pastor of a church in your area, particularly maybe a church that you know or you trust, and ask them if they have Christian counselors in the area they could recommend. Because many times Christian counselors have built a relationship with Christian pastors.

So that would be another option on the local level. And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to hear what you would say, because you cannot count. We get calls that say, Gary, you need to counsel. You need to talk with my husband or my wife. Or, you know, tell me this counselor.

And you don't know every counselor in the country. But I really appreciate her desire to, I want to be, you know, go in a biblical way in this, the way that you have done your own books and counseling in this program. I want to go that way, and I don't want to get sidetracked.

So I appreciate the heart of her call. Yeah. And if you have a question like that that you'd like Dr. Chapman to answer, 866-456-865-865- 424. Gary Now here's a great question for you.

Because I sense in this caller some concern, but there's also some hope for her long-term relationship with her spouse. Here's our next caller. Hi, Gary. I am in a thirty-six year relationship with my husband. it's not a horrible relationship whatsoever.

But We don't communicate anymore. We've gotten used to our daily grind, um, you know, jobs. Family uh community, whatever, has taken us away from each other. And we are looking into retirement. And I just can't see what retirement looks like with someone that I have not communicated with for years and where I don't feel like we mesh anymore.

I don't feel like we are A couple. It almost feels like we are married, but Roommates.

So I I just want to know how do we move from that to retirement. and have a happy life for the rest of our lives, 'cause ni w we don't want to get divorced. We don't we don't want it to go down that path. We want to try to work on it and fix it and Growl. to the next chapter in our life.

So whatever you can help us with. I would appreciate it. Thank you. Well, I'm empathetic with the caller, and I think there are many couples in our country who can identify with what she's saying. They are Being civil to each other, but they're not really sharing life with each other.

I think there's several things that can be done, steps that can be made. I'm assuming here that you're Christians. One would be to get a devotional book that's related to marriage. I wrote one, but there's a lot of others out there as well. The one I wrote is the One Minute Love Language Devotional.

It's for every day of the year. It's a year-long devotional. There's a scripture verse, there's a brief devotional on the scripture verse, and there's a printed prayer. If you got that and said to your husband, you know, could we try something together here, find out a time we can just sit down and just take three minutes or five minutes. and just expose ourselves together.

to something scriptural and something related to marriage. and one day you could read it, and one day he could read it. You just go back and forth. It's a setting in which you're focusing on Hearing something from God, hearing a principle from Scripture that can be helpful to you, and also hearing each other pray a prayer, even though you're reading a prayer, but you're hearing each other pray. That could open up the climate to begin to have more conversation.

And then A second thing, having done that, would be to say, you know, honey, I don't know how you feel, but I just feel like w we're kind of roommates and we're not talking to each other and I don't know what you're thinking and you don't know what I'm thinking. Could we maybe, if you're having a meal together, could we, after the meal, each of us just share two things? that happened in our lives that day and how we feel about it. And they can be positive things or they can be negative things. He can say, well, one thing that happened today, I stopped on the way home and got gas at the gas station.

And she said, well, how did you feel about that? He said, well, I felt angry. I looked at the price and I felt angry. I mean, they don't have to be heavy duty things. It's just he shares two things that happen in his life, and you share two things that happen in your life.

They don't have to be huge things. That's a starting point, and it's starting on something that's easy to do, it's not threatening. You're not going to get into an argument. You're just sharing life with each other. And you just say to him, You know, I just feel like I want to know more of what's going on in your life and in your mind.

I want us to see if we can get closer together in terms of conversation, because when we retire, We're going to be stuck here in the house together. I'm not sure we can handle it if we don't learn how to talk to each other. That would be a start. If they respond to either one of those simple ideas, chances are you'll begin to see yourself moving in a positive direction. If they say no to both of those ideas, then there is a place to say to them, honey, I don't know how you feel, but.

I just feel like I've got to have counseling. Because I feel like we're just we've drifted apart and we're not really sharing life with each other. And I would like for you to go with me, but even if you choose not to go, I'm going to go. because I feel like I've I've got to have some help. because I I want us to have the kind of marriage that that is healthy and that we're into each other's lives and doing things together that we enjoy doing together.

You know, that kind of open conversation Let's him know where you are and how important you think this is. And if he doesn't want to go to counseling, which he may well not want to go, you go. And at least you have someone that you can share your heart with in the counseling setting, and they can help you walk through things that might be helpful to you. Another idea, of course, is sharing a book together on marriage or any other topic for that matter, which means that each of you read a chapter in the same book. and then share with each other anything that impressed you about the chapter or anything you learned in the chapter that you thought might be helpful.

Uh it's just a way of having an outside voice that's speaking into the marriage just by the Content of the chapter. That's especially helpful if you're reading a book on marriage.

So those are my thoughts, but I'm very empathetic with your desire not to just continue to drift. but to take positive steps to share life with each other. As a spouse, though, if you ask, you know, what happened in your day and he comes back with the gas station, she could feel kind of frustrated by that. I'm looking for something deeper, but you never know. You could talk about the and I'm frustrated with the gas prices too.

So I think I'm glad you mentioned that. But also, I remember you could use that as a memory jogger. Do you remember what when you first started driving? Do you remember how much gas was back then? And then he starts to talk about, yeah, you know, you open up that portal to the memory, and something good might happen.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Whatever they share may trigger a question that you can ask, exactly like you suggested, Chris. I mentioned earlier that we'd love to hear your feedback about the program, your response, and your encouragement. Here's a call that I think will give Gary a little boost.

Hello. Let me mention Veronica, and I was just calling to thank you. for your podcast. I listen to it. At least weekly, if not more than once a week.

And I just wanted to thank you because I come from a very uh dysfunctional family were He didn't really have any stable relationships or examples of stable relationships. to be able to emulate.

So once again, thank you for your show.

Well, Chris, obviously we like to hear words like that, and the reality is there are many people who came out of dysfunctional families, and they're looking for help and wanting help, and that's what our program is all about. It's Building Relationships. Because life's deepest meaning is found in relationships. It's not in possessing things. The Bible's very clear about that.

It's found in relationships, first of all, with God. but then with our spouse or with family members or with friends. And so the principles we talk about on this program all are related to relationships. And so I'm glad that this lady took the opportunity just to say thank you. And I want to say thank you for listening to her and all the other listeners we have.

Yeah, and from a dysfunctional family. Let's be honest, all of our families are dysfunctional in some way, but to have that, and then to hear from you and then guests. This idea of moving forward, I think, is one of the reasons why you hear of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, who is the New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . Here's another call for you, Gary, and some encouragement, along with a question about a family member who is struggling.

Thank you so much for your ministry you have Then my count floor via The podcast. for years and years and I appreciate that. I've got a question about a son who was a prodigal. He came home, divorced. And in very heavy debt.

He lived with us for two years. was able to regroup And um He moved out. He's been gone for about a year and a half. And he's about to lose his job. We're thinking he might be coming home again.

The first time, I think we did have him draw up a contract and say, listen, but this is what we expect. We didn't have very much of a relationship with him. He's away from the Lord and doesn't want to talk about Jesus things, does not want to eat any of my home cooked meals, which is Fine, I'm over that. But any advice that you could give, my husband and I, we sure would appreciate it. Thank you very much.

I think any mother or father in that situation would be greatly concerned. and be asking the same kind of question that this caller is asking. You know, I wrote a book and recently revised it. It's called Your New Life with Your Adult Children. in which I deal with these kind of issues.

And what she said in terms of if he does ask to come back, she said we had a contract, we had agreements on what we expected. That, I think, is very, very healthy. if he does decide to come back or ask if he can come back. You need to have a good conversation with each other. And in that book, I deal with the kind of things that you you might want to talk about in that situation.

One is what is the goal? Are you coming back hoping to stay here for six more years or two more years? And what can we do to help you with the job? How can we help you find the job? Because obviously that's part of the problem now at this juncture.

If he needs training to get new skills by going to a local technical college of some kind, picking up skills that will help him get a new job or a better job. But we don't want him just to come back and not be moving in the right direction.

So having a good conversation with him about that and asking In what way can we help you? We don't want to just sit here and we don't want you just to sit here. We want you to be active and learning and growing because we want you to have a better life because you know you kind of discouraged yourself on your life.

So those kind of really open conversations. And we want to love our adult children because God loves us even when we do wrong.

Well, we want to help them. We don't want to just be sitting there letting them be in the house, but not helping them. And so help means that they have to reach out to get help.

So I think you'd find that book to be very helpful. Uh we can't control our adult children. And yes, it breaks our heart when they go through divorce and when they, you know, get a job and then lose a job. And maybe the reason he lost his job is not because he was a poor employee. Maybe there were other factors involved that did not relate to the potential of his work.

But I think these kind of conversations need to be open and honest and loving because we want to love them no matter what. You know, the prodigal son's father did not go out and try to make him come home. He just kept the farm going.

So that when he did come home, there was something to come home to.

So I would say, you know, keep your marriage strong. And vibrant so that when there is, if he does come back home, there's a home to come home to. And then you help him in whatever way you can. But you know, it's hard. It's hard when you have a prodigal son who comes home and goes out and comes back, has to come back home again.

So open conversation and making some guidelines and decisions out of love. All the decisions ought to be out of love. That's what God does. Every command God ever gave us is because He loves us. And if He said don't do this, it's because He loved us.

If He says do this, it's because He loved us.

So all of our guidelines ought to be because we love you, and we want to do the very best thing we can to help you. The other thing I love about that story is that the dad kept the calf fat for when the son came back and ready to have the party, you know, have the food. The book is Your New Life with Adult Children: A Practical Guide to What Helps, What Hurts, and What Heals. You can find out more about it at buildingrelationships.us. And let me just mention this: something that she said, Gary, she mentioned the home cooked meals that he doesn't want to eat the home cooked meals.

And you could hear just a little bit of the hurt inside you. I've moved on from, I've worked through that. It's okay. But it almost feels like to me, and maybe I'm reading too much in here, but her words or her love language might be acts of service.

So when she makes this meal for her son, she's saying, I love you to him. And he says, I don't want that. I want something else.

So she has to deal with all of those complex feelings about showing love and not being accepted, doesn't she? Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And I don't understand the dynamics on that. I mean, why would a man not accept a good home-cooked meal? You know, I don't know where he's coming from.

I want to go with you over to her house and we'll eat, right? Yeah. So I don't know what the dynamics are and what's going on in his mind, you know, that would make him. not want to eat meals that she prepares. I don't know where that's coming from.

You know, an open conversation with a counselor, somebody might be able to figure out w why why he has those feelings or thoughts. But yeah, that's very strange. But you know, it does seem like she's worked through that. I'm willing to accept that, you know, but she probably doesn't understand it either. Right.

Well, and with that, we'll conclude this June edition of Dear Gary. As I mentioned earlier, 866-424-Gary, we'd love to hear your question, your comment, maybe about something that you've heard today that you might hear your question in a fall edition of Dear Gary. And don't forget to check out our featured resource, Screen Kids: Five Relational Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech-Driven World. You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Again, go to buildingrelationships.us.

And next week, we'll begin our summer best of broadcast. And we'll begin with this question. How do you speak life to your husband when all you want to do is yell at him? Don't miss Dave and Ann Wilson in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing.

Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.