Your New Life With Adult Children | Dr. Gary Chapman

There's a huge difference between raising those children when they're younger and when they now become adults. I don't know if it's his generation or whatever saying, you know, my truth is my truth. I was focused so much on her behavior that I missed hearing her art. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .

If you're struggling with your relationship with your adult child, there's help and hope for you today. Dr. Chapman has ideas about what helps, what hurts, and what heals in that relationship that might be strained. This is a Summer Best Out broadcast I think might hit a nerve in your heart today because that's what happened when Gary joined me on a program called Chris Babry Live several months ago. The callers had such great interaction with him, so you're going to hear it straight ahead on Building Relationships.

If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see the featured resource today, Your New Life with Adult Children. It's written by Dr. Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell. Just go to buildingrelationships.us.

Gary, why don't you step back and give me kind of the big flyover, the why of this book? Why do we need it today?

Well, Chris, in the last several years I have had more parents of adult children in my counseling office than ever in all the years past. And I don't know if there's more actually going on, more problems going on now, or if I'm just hearing more of it. But they're in my office. Their adult children are making decisions that are just devastating the parents. And they're asking me, what do I do?

What can I do? Or they're also saying, Where did we fail? You know, where did we fail? How is it possible that our child could ever be doing whatever it is?

So I just felt like it's time to really address that issue. And of course, I wrote a book on that a number of years ago, but I just felt like it was time to do a redo on that book. And so that's what we've done, trying to help parents of adult children in today's world. Why do you think a lot of parents go there that it's my fault for what happened?

Well, I think maybe because, you know, Chris, as Christians, you know, we have the idea and there's some reason for having that idea. That if I will do the right thing and I will teach them the right way, they're not going to depart from it. And because there's a scripture that says something like that: train up a child in the way he should go. When he is old, he will not depart from it. And so I think parents kind of had that in the back of the mind.

And so if a child turns out doing some things that they were not taught growing up, they want to know, well, where did we fail? You know, where did we fail? But I don't think that verse means that we can determine. the outcome of our children and the actions of our children, they will not depart from the influence of that, but they may do things contrary to what we have taught them. This is just a reality.

Yeah. Gary, we had a caller not long ago who said that she had begun to relate to her adult children like she relates now to her coworkers who are her kids' age. She tries to withhold judgment about her coworkers. She'll ask questions, but she doesn't give unwanted advice. She doesn't see their choices as kind of a reflection on her.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does, Chris. And I think that's really, really important. Parents have to recognize we are still their parents, to be sure. But there's a huge difference between raising those children when they're younger and where they now become adults.

And we want to keep the lines of communication open. But we don't want to be telling them what to do. You know, if you want this job, you better get this application in today.

Well yeah, they're they're feeling Hey, I'm not a kid, mom.

Okay.

Okay.

I got it, mom. I got it. You know, or dad.

So we we've got to keep communication open, but we need to be sharing ideas along the way, sure, but share them as your opinion. And don't share them as God or the parent of a little child. You've got to do this because that just pushes them further away. And so we have to learn to listen. You want to ask questions.

Whatever they're going through, you want to ask questions and let them share what they want to share. If they ask your advice, certainly give their advice. But give it as your advice. not as this is what you ought to do. We want to keep the lines of communication open so we can have an influence, a positive influence on our children, but not control them.

Is it harder, do you think, this thing of adult kids for moms than it is for dads, or is it just the same slash different? I think moms may be more open to talk about it or, as you just said, say something if they think they can find help online than dads are. But I think dads' hearts are also broken many times, many times. We're going to start in Cleveland, Ohio with Maureen. Hi, Maureen.

Go right ahead. I just wanted to share about uh how God directed me to let my granddaughter come back and live with us so she could save money to b get into an apartment. And this had been a very, very difficult relationship And I have to take responsibility for that because I was focussed so much on her behavior that I missed hearing her art.

so many times. And so I knew God was giving me a second chance. He made it very clear. He said we were to say yes. but I was not to expect her to change.

In fact, she could even get worse. But he wanted to change me. And that was for uh um probably eighteen months. And I was so thankful for that foundation of hearing the Lord say, this is not. For her, it's for you.

I need to change you. And he did. Oh my goodness. I was able to put into practice the whole thing about quick to listen. And slow to speak.

Because I realized so often in the in the past I had fueled her anger. by continuing to talk. And uh but anyway, he just did Amazing things. And I'd just like to add a PS. I have been a procrastinator, but my daughter got me a shirt.

It says my love language. is prayer. I love I love that's exactly what has happened in the last Three years, I would say, is I love praying for people and with people, especially with people.

So, my love language really is prayer. You know what I take away mostly from your call, Maureen, is. How you and this can go with a grandchild or it can go with your adult child, you focus on behavior and you miss their heart. That speaks to me, Gary. What about you?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's so exciting to hear what she's saying. And I really appreciate you calling and letting us know that because. That's precisely what God wants to do in all of us.

We're His representatives. Listen, God loves the unlovely. God loves people, I don't care what they've done. And we're His representatives. And Jesus said, you know, you love as I have loved you.

And so when we express love to a grandchild or an adult child of our own, when they're doing things that we just feel so badly about, you know, we're not following Jesus' example. I'm glad for what you've done. And, you know, God will use it. And someday, if she hasn't already, the chances are that granddaughter is going to come back and be asking you for your advice about something because she's seen you accepting her as she is. And she's going to be changing.

We don't stay the same. We're always grappling with new ideas and new thoughts. And so, you know, she may get worse, she may get better. But the chances are the fact that you have invited her in to stay with you for those months is a positive thing in her life. And a positive thing in your life, obvious.

Today's program is taken from two conversations I had with Dr. Chapman about this topic on a weekday program on Moody Radio. Let's take our next caller. I was calling because Uh Ma'am, I have three adult children. And They are all in their thirties.

And over the years, I've been very close with my boys. My daughter has always been more volatile with me. And at this point in their lives, my eldest son is living a gay lifestyle. He did reveal this to me himself. My younger son is married and claims to be an atheist.

And my daughter is. Extremely liberal, like extreme. We are at the moment not. Speaking due to political division, amongst many other things. Thinks she can speak to me any old way, swearing, telling me I was a beep beep parent, and etc.

Their dad and I separated when the youngest was about seven or eight and my eldest was around fifteen. And this was after we lost our secondborn son. And it affected the older two boys more. We had the three boys than a daughter. My daughter's grief is that she doesn't even remember her brother, but You know, these kids were raised in a church.

Their dad and I were married. We went to church. I kind of fell away after my son died because I was very angry with God. Um, I'm just at a loss. I really am.

I You know, I pray for people I know that nobody would go to hell, and I feel like my own children. our walk in a path that's going to lead us there.

So it's just very difficult. I don't like not speaking to my daughter. She's always been very, very strong-willed. I don't know. She's never acted like she liked me.

You know, other families were always better, et cetera. I wait you know, there's a lot of that I'm hearing in your story, Natalie, a lot of trauma in there with the divorce, with the loss of a son, and and your kids have been through that as well. And so I can hear, and I know you hear it in her voice, Gary, just this. What would you say to Natalie?

Well, first of all, I would be very empathetic with what she's saying because anyone who's gone through all that she just briefly described I mean, it is traumatic to go through all of that. And it's still going on. I mean, you know, she's probably processed some of the grief, you know, losing the child and maybe some of the grief that went with the divorce. But here are these three children now who are adults with whom she wants to have loving relationships and she wants them to be walking with God. And apparently, none of them are.

It's very, very difficult. I think this again, we cannot make our adult children. Fallagod. and even God doesn't make people follow him. You know, God gives us freedom as individuals to choose.

And if I could just remind you that God's first two children, Adam and Eve, Went wrong. and they had a perfect father. God, and yet they made the wrong decision that affected the rest of their lives and our lives as well.

So, first of all, I would say don't necessarily blame yourself for the decisions that your adult children are making. At the same time, if you look back and realize that there were things where you did fail them and you just realized, well, I should have done this or that or the other thing, it's fine to say to them, you know, I've been looking back and thinking about our life together, and I've realized there were some places where I feel like I really fail you. Or if you're talking to one of them, or you guys, or, you know, all three of you, if you're talking together. But I I want to get your opinion. As you look back on our family through the years, How do you view it and what were the negatives and the positives that you saw?

Wow. If you take that kind of approach and open up the door They'll probably tell you things, and what they say may hurt you because they may say some pretty harsh things about what you did or didn't do along the way. But hear them, hear them out. You taking that approach to say, I've been thinking about our lives together and some of my failures along the way, and here are two or three things that I know where I feel like I failed. What do you guys think?

That can be the start. of opening the door to having conversations. And if they point out some of those things, then you Listen, don't defend yourself. Don't try to excuse anything that they bring up. Just say, I can see, I can see how you'd feel that way.

I can see how you'd respond that way. Wow. That's really hard, though, isn't it? Yeah, really hard. And it may be that you'll need somebody with you, a counselor-type person with you, helping you.

you know, have such a conversation because that's a huge conversation. But we don't make things better if if we don't have conversations. Of course, if your daughter's cut you off and doesn't even want to talk to you, then you can't have that kind of conversation with her. But you could perhaps do it with your sons. Your sons would probably tell the daughter, you know what mother did?

Right.

Well, I have discussed things with my daughter and she She totally blames me. She does blame her father too, because after we split up, he was not involved with his children at all. She attacks. I mean, it's literally like when it comes out of her, it's Peppered with lots of bad language accusations, and I never did anything right. And she says, I understand it's because of what you were dealing with, but.

You know, and so it's it's just very difficult. Oh, I can see that. And it may be you're at a point where you have to release her at this point because she's already saying she doesn't want to talk with you anymore, doesn't want you in her life anymore. And you may just have to say, God, I don't know what else I can do.

So I want to release her to you. And I pray for her. Yes, always pray that God will work in her life or bring people into her life that may have a positive influence on her. And, you know, because you probably have done what you can do at this point until she's open to come back and try to rebuild the relationship.

Well, this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. We're talking about your new life with adult children. There is so much in this book I think will resonate with you and help as you deal with some of the issues that we're talking about today. We have the book linked at the website buildingrelationships.us.

Next up in Indiana, Eva's on the line. Hi, Eva. Hi. I was just wondering, um, my son, he's not a Christian and neither is his living girlfriend. I was just wondering, as a Christian, how should I treat them?

I I really like her, and my temptation is to treat her like a daughter. Uh she could become the mother of my grandchildren some day. I just want to know what should I do. Mm. I think you're moving in the right direction.

I think to treat her with dignity and respect and express love to her and seek to get to know her as you have conversations with her, asking her about her family and how life was growing up, and just get to know everything you can about her. People appreciate somebody that will take time to ask questions about their lives and to listen to those answers. And so I think building a positive attitude in her and letting her know you care about her. Your son knows that your preference would not be for him to be living with somebody before he gets married, but that's your preference. And of course, I believe that's a biblical pattern as well.

But we're not here to hit people over the head who are sinning. Jesus, when he encountered sinners, he extended love to them. He extended a positive spirit to them and had a relationship with them.

So that's what we want to do.

So I think you're moving in the right direction. And if they get married, you know, of course they could have a child before they get married. And again, rather than condemning that, for them for that, you know, I think you pray for them and you stand ready to help them with that child. But usually, if they have a child, they go ahead and get married. And that would be ideal, of course, in the situation.

But you're keeping an open door to her and loving her, because I don't know what kind of childhood she had, but I think asking her questions about her mom and dad and all that sort of thing, her brothers and sisters, just to get to know her better and let her know. And her education, her schooling, and all that kind of stuff. Building a relationship with sinners. That's the way we have an influence on sinners, is letting people know we love them. And that's what Jesus said.

Love them the way I loved you. When you were a sinner. Yeah, I get it. Eva, so what is what is the tension then? Are there other people in your life who are saying, well, you've got to condemn them or you've got to tell them the truth or that kind of thing?

Well, I'm just wondering: if they ever do get married, what do I do differently? How can I reward them? for doing something different that I approve of. How do things change after they get married?

Well, I think officially then she is your daughter-in-law and the fact that you have kept the door open and had a positive relationship with her before they got married is an asset for sure. And the same thing is true, of course, with your son, keeping an open door with him as well. And I think, you know, if they choose to get married, then wonderful. You know, I'm really happy to hear that you all decided to get married. That's wonderful.

And I want you to know I'm with you in that.

So we walk with our adult children. Wherever they walk, we want to walk with them. rather than cutting them off. And if they cut us off, you know, then that's a different story. We we can't keep them from cutting us off.

But we don't want to cut them off. We want to stand with open doors. Is there ever a time when you do make the hard decision and say, I love you too much to let you keep going this way, and I can't have you live here, or I can't have you talking that way to me, or we're not going to have the same relationship? Any time that a parent can say that? Yeah, I think that can be a loving statement.

It depends on what they're doing. Like if they're still living at home and they're violating the first thing, if they're going to be living at home as an adult, You need to have a conversation about why are we doing this. You know, you're 30 years old now. Why are we doing this? And let them share what their perspective is on asking to come home or wanting to come home.

But if they do come home, then we have to discuss now what are going to be the guidelines here, because I have to be concerned about my health, and your dad about his health, and you about your health. And obviously, we can't be laying awake at night wondering, well, where is he? And are you going to come home drunk and knock the door down? We have to have some guidelines here and have some sanity here.

So, yeah, there's a place for a parent to take what I'm calling, most people call tough love. You know, I love you too much to simply allow you to do this here in the house.

Now, if you want to leave and go do it yourself and live on your own life, then that's fine. But I want to help you. And while you're here, for example, if they don't have a job or they don't have talents, if you want to go to the technical school and learn a trade so you can get a good job, fine. We're happy to have you here for this time. And we'll do everything we can to help you do that because I know you want to be an independent adult.

And that's what we want you to be.

So anything we can do to help you become independent. then we certainly want to do it. Rob is on the line. Rob, go ahead. What's your question?

Yeah, hi, Chris and Gary, thanks for your time. I've got a an adult son who's 30 years old. He's got a wife and two boys. They moved down I live in Indiana and they moved down to Florida. probably about seven or eight years ago and He got hooked up with a a false religion.

Uh it's a cult. has a fake Jesus and everything. to a co-worker. The church Goes right from the Bible. They're very legalistic.

They have them in the Bible, doing all kinds of work throughout the week and stuff. And they've got him feeling he's solid in God. But it's a complete false Christ. And his mother and I were Christians growing up, and we raised him not in the church every day, but he knows. He's been in the church and he knows about God and Jesus.

And it's just the last probably six months to a year He and I stopped completely. We had it out one day, and he said, Look, if you can't never mention this again, then I'm not going to talk to you ever again. And so we went for a while not speaking, and then he came back a little while later, about a month ago, and kind of apologized And I did as well. But we still can't talk about it. He I know he's still in it.

Yeah. There's plenty of stuff that I've his mom and I have tried to send him there's plenty on the Internet. If you just go look, there's plenty of proof But he's so tied up in thinking, I don't know if it's his generation or whatever, saying, my truth is my truth and there can be different ways and not just one way. I don't know what it is. But I've got a little bit of a window, I think.

I just don't know how to deal with that because anytime I talk to him, I can't mention anything about religion or we're done. Yeah, yeah. But the door's open. Isn't that that's positive, right, Gary? Yeah, I think the very fact that he is open to talking with you, I would just talk about other things.

You know, there's a lot of other things to talk about. And having more conversation with him about other topics without condemning him for where he is, you know, yes, it hurts, no question about it. As Christian parents, we want our kids to be following Christ, you know, not off on some tangent. But you've already shared, you know, you've already gone through that. You've already communicated how you feel about all of that.

And you've given him things to read and that sort of thing. I would just say, let's try to cultivate life. Apart from the religious thing and be friends because we can be friends with non-Christians. You know, we can be friends with non-Christians, even if they're not our children.

So we can be friends with our. children, even if they are not following Christ.

So I would just seek to do things, and if they have children, if they allow you to do things with their children, vacation or go visit with them or those kind of things, and just try to enjoy life apart from that issue and pray that God will work in their hearts to open their eyes to see the falsity of the religion that they're following. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . You can find us online at buildingrelationships.us, take an easy assessment of your love language, and see when Gary might be coming to your area for a seminar.

Our featured resource today is Your New Life with Adult Children, a practical guide to what helps, what hurts, and what heals. Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more. One more aspect of that question by Rob Gary, you know, a mom or a dad who's listening, and their child has gone away either as an atheist, you know, moving away from God, or they've gone into some kind of a cult and they believe something different about God or different religion altogether. What else, is there anything else you wanted to say? Yeah, I would just say a couple of other things, Chris.

The Dassan has made the decision that this is what he's doing right now. He's involved in this cultic group. And you've already shared fully everything you can say to him and tried to give him things to read about it. You're probably not the one That God is going to use to turn him around. And he said to you, I don't want to have a conversation with you anymore if this is the only thing you're going to talk about.

I would say, keep the road open for communication about other things. I said that, but I want to emphasize it because if he's into some kind of sports, You get into that kind. If he's on with a team, you watch the team when he's watching it down in Florida and talk about the team. Because if he can have a relationship with you on other topics and see that you're going to let him be an adult, let him make his choices religious-wise. You're still having a positive influence because you're doing things together, talking together about things he's interested in.

So rather than just closing the door, which is what he says he's going to do, if this is all you're going to talk about, I think we pray that God would use some other people in his life. And prayer is powerful. I remember a man just recently hadn't talked to his daughter in four years, but he had been praying. He had some of his close friends praying that God would work in her heart. She wouldn't respond to anything.

And one day she called him and said, I'd like to come down and visit and have a conversation with you. And the whole thing began to turn around.

So he already knows how you feel about the cult he's in. Just keep the door open by having conversations about other things so that if God brings things into his life that cause him to turn around, he will be free and wanting to talk with you again about the religious part of life. With Dr. Gary Chapman, next up is Ellie. Hi Ellie, go right ahead.

Hi, um, thank you for taking my call. I'm calling because, um, like the previous caller, um, I have um children that are not. Um walking with the Lord. And we'll Specifically with my oldest son, he's called me on several occasions to like reach out to me and ask me for, you know, to help him with like his um advice and and his relationship. And most recently he called me and he was he shared with me that his girlfriend may be pregnant.

And he wanted me to make sure that she was going to go through with an abortion. I explained to him, like, you know, because of my faith, you know, like, I can't do that. He got really angry and he was like getting upset. He's like, Well, if you don't do this for me, he's like, I'm never gonna speak to you again. And I was like, that's okay, Christian.

I'm like, you don't have to talk, you know, you don't have to talk to me. I said, but I love you and I'm here for you. It's like, and I'm going to keep praying for you. And he's like, I don't want to hear that.

So like I don't know what to do. Yeah. Well, I think there's a sense in what you've done is good. You've been kind, but you've told him I can't do something that I just I don't believe is right. And the fact that he's responding that way, you know, shows his own immaturity.

not allowing you to be the person you are.

So if he cuts off conversation simply because you won't try to talk his girlfriend into having an abortion, That's his decision. And I think you just pray that God will guide him, you know, because there are plenty of other places. If she's going to get an abortion, she can turn there who will welcome her to do what we believe is wrong. But I think what you said was good. I love you.

You know, I'll always love you. And I think you keep that stance. Chances are when he gets through the trauma of all of this, whatever happens, whether she gives birth to the child or whether she aborts the child, when he gets through all of this, they may or may not continue their relationship. But somewhere along the line, as he works through all of that, he probably is going to be open to reach back to you again, you know, and reestablish a relationship.

So I think in the meantime, you just pray that God will give them wisdom in this area. God will bring people into their lives. It will give them wise counsel in this area. And whatever decision they make, you keep the doors open that whenever he wants to talk to you about anything or... come back home and visit you, he's always welcome because you love him.

In the meantime, put him in God's hands. It sounds to me, Ellie, that your son is there's a lot of fear there. He's been wrapped up in this all how much how afraid he is and he's lashing out at you and you don't do what he wants you to do. Then he lashes out at you because that fear has taken hold of him. Uh does that make sense?

Yeah, and um, she actually texted me because like I'm afraid that they're like in an unhealthy relationship that may or may not be abusive. I don't know because I really don't have communication, but She actually texted me and she told me, she's like, Can you please tell your son to leave m my family and I alone that we're going through this difficult situation and that and that to respect my decision?

So I'm honestly praying and you know just asking God that she does if you know she is pregnant not to go Through with the abortion. And then I am also grateful, you know, that I have my. Prayer warriors by my side that are also helping me pray, you know, um, for this situation. But yeah, um, I don't know if I should reach out to her or just like just, you know, not.

So anything. Do you think she w wants the baby? Do you think she wants to keep the ba baby? I I think she does. I think she does.

That's what it sounds like. That's my impression. She says you ask your son to leave me and my family alone because your son he wants to get rid of what he feels like is going to be a a burden on him. But she has a belief of keeping a baby.

So I would just say, yeah, your son's going through some trauma. Just give him time to work through this. But chances are that relationship's going to break up. If she has the baby, that's my guess. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Ruth, and back to Shartman. Hi, Paula, go right ahead. Hi, thank you for taking my call. Ann, I've just loved your show through the years. And of course, I've read a lot of Dr.

Chapman's books, and I just I'm so thankful for them. I have a adult daughter who It I had tedious relationship with through the years. We had an alcoholic family that found recovery, but it did its damage. I just wanted to give God praise because my daughter got married a year and a half ago. And that changed the dynamics, which was in in so good.

Now I have a son-in-law. God multiplies. He doesn't take away. which is just lovely. I felt like it was a loss because I wouldn't have as much time with her.

But he turned it around. the Lord did. And then now she's pregnant and having a baby. And she's calling me and wanting me to talk and to ask how she's doing. and she's not getting that from anyone else.

And what a blessing it is that she She's connecting with me regularly and calling. And I'm calling back or I'm calling her. Oh my goodness, it's so lovely. And I just want to give God praise for new seasons. You know, we all go to seasons.

It can be really difficult. And I wish I had that. Shirt that the lady was speaking about. I pray, pray, pray, pray. That's all I seem to do.

But God listens and He really moves. That's how you. Yeah. I love that. You know, and you can hear in a voice, Gary, in Paula's voice, the hope realized in a sense, right?

Absolutely, absolutely. You know, when we take a loving response to our children, our grandchildren, no matter what's going on, we are an instrument in the hand of God. And I like that thing, my love language is prayer. You know, I wrote a book called God Speaks Your Love Language, and one of them involves prayer. Words of affirmation involves prayer to God.

You know, we're talking to God. And when you read the scriptures and listen to him, you're having a conversation with God, which is quality time.

So prayer is certainly an expression of love to God because God wants to have a relationship with us, not just going to church on Sunday. He wants to be talking to us and us listening throughout the week. But yeah, I'm excited for you, what experience you've had there, because God has a way of touching us. Touching hearts and opening hearts. And the fact that you can have a relationship now with your grandchild as well as your child, that's music to any mother's heart.

Paula, what you just said is just a little dose of hope, you know, a spoonful of sugar and all that stuff. Just a little dose of hope for a mom or a dad who's out there saying, boy, I wish I had. what Paul is talking about. You don't know what's going to happen in that son or daughter's life. And she mentioned the son-in-law now that she has, and that that's been a positive thing in the family.

It kind of turned things around. That doesn't always happen either because sometimes the child will, adult child gets married, and there's friction in the family because of the in-laws, right? Absolutely, Chris. You know, oftentimes the parent's not happy with the person that they married. I wish you wouldn't have married them because of this reason or that reason.

And again, when you do that, you just shut the door to having any influence on them in the future. 'Cause you're closing the door, you know. And so that's the issue. We have to leave the door open with our adult children or our adult grandchildren. Leave the door open so we can have conversations even if we disagree.

And, you know, we can, if you listen to them, you can eventually say, you know, I hear what you're saying. I can see how that makes sense to you. You know, it doesn't mean we agree with them, but we're at least acknowledging they have a brain, you know, and they have thoughts, and we're acknowledging, you know, that they have those thoughts, and you can see how it makes sense to them.

So when we do that, we leave the door open for us to have a positive influence over the years or months ahead.

Next up is in Michigan. We're going to talk with Kelly. Hi, Kelly. What's your question? Hello.

My husband and I have three adult children ranging from 25 to 30. We also have a Senior in high school, but my question is about the older children. I do. I think meet them where they are in life, if you will, where I Show interest in the things that interest them, which leads to open conversations about a variety of topics. They do tend to come to me first when they have a question.

even if it's something that might be generally a traditional man's domain. When my husband asked me, you know, why don't they come to him first? I don't know what to say. Any advice?

Well, you know, I don't have the full answer to that. But it may well be that through the years, they've just developed a closer relationship with you than him, perhaps because you've been more available, because he may have been gone more. You know, they had more contact with you. And maybe they also felt a little more acceptance, you know, from you than they did him. I don't know that, if that's true or not.

But I understand his concern. You know, he's thinking, well, why don't they come to me? I'm the father, you know.

So I can understand his concern. But, you know, there are dynamics like that. But children, adult children and younger children, often relate. more closely to a mom or a dad in either case than they do the other person. But it's probably because their personality and the response they've had from that person makes them just naturally kind of gravitate to them as opposed to the person that maybe they haven't had the same kind of experience with.

I don't know what the dynamics are in that particular situation, but I would say he might ask them that sometime. That was what I was going to say. If he asks you that again, Kelly, you just say, I don't know. Why don't you ask him? Yeah, yeah.

I think that's a good response. And if he did, they probably would say something as to why they think that's the case. Do you think he feels hurt by this, though? I mean, is it not a jealousy thing, but in one sense, I think he wants a relationship with them and he wants the kind of relationship you have with them. And so that's kind of why he's bringing that up, don't you think?

I'm I would think so. And I've told him, I said, we're not going to have the same relationship with them. We're two different people. But I tell him what works for me. I just don't know that that works for him so but i like your about Having Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. As opposed to me trying to be some kind of mediator between them. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. You know, the other thing that happens here a lot of times, and this happened with my wife's dad and mom, because her mom would always send the birthday cards and she would always make the calls and those types of things.

So when Barbara, my mother-in-law, died, All of a sudden, we started getting these cards from George, you know, and we get the birthday cards, and we get phone calls, and we get these things. It was like he had leaned on her for so long to be that connection point, you know, and it was, and everything was going fine. It was going, you know, it was nothing to fix there. But then when she wasn't there, it was like, well, I got to step up here. And yeah, and I think in a lot of marriages, that's what happens.

One of them picks up the weight, and the other never gets in there. Does that make sense, Gary? Yeah, I think so. I think that's often the case. And it's just natural.

You know, there's nothing wrong with it necessarily. It's just that a mother does some things, a father does other things.

So the children connect with the mother on certain areas, maybe other areas. If they had a problem with their car, they might turn to their father and ask his advice first, you know, about what do I do about my car? Because they think he probably knows more than you do, which may be true or may not be true. Kelly, that's a great question. I'm glad you brought up that, you know, the difference between husbands and wife.

Let's bring it down to something that's not as cataclysmic. Let's just say you've got an adult child who's living at home. and there's friction there about duties in the household. We've heard a little bit of that even earlier today. How do you live harmoniously with your adult child who is either still there or has moved back?

Well, I think, Chris, this is far more common today than it was even twenty years ago. Either they don't leave home as early as we thought they were going to leave home, or they move out, they go to college, maybe they finish college, maybe they drop out of college and they want to move back home, or maybe they get married. And later on, they get divorced and they have a child. And they say, you know, Mom, can me and my child come back, can we come back and live with y'all?

So it's very, very, it just happens more today than it used to happen, okay? And so what I try to do in this book is give parents practical ideas on how to make the most of that. And one of those ideas is: let's find out, first of all, What are the dynamics? that is either keeping that child in the home or bringing them back to the home. And normally it's some things that have happened in their lives.

It may be depression. It may be personality struggles that they're having. It may be that they've lost a job. It may be anything they've gone through. And home is a safe place.

And it just means on the positive side, you have another opportunity to invest in their lives in a positive way.

So I think you welcome them and then you very early on you just sit down and talk about it.

Okay, now if this is the problem, then what can we do to help you fix it? And if they've lost a job, it might be helping them take a course at a local technical college or something. or they can learn a skill that they're interested in. Maybe they majored in something in college and it it doesn't really help them get a job. And that's the problem.

They they need a job.

So whatever they're going through, if it's depression, Okay, they probably had some kind of traumatic experience.

So, look, we love you. We want to help you through this.

So, we're willing to pay for the counseling, and we want to together try to find a good counselor.

So, we can, we'll talk to our pastor or somebody, we'll find a good counselor to help you walk through this. Because what we want to do is be walking through it, not just be sitting there like this is going to be here forever. We want to help them through. Whatever problem it is that's brought them back or that's keeping them there rather than moving out.

So, because they really want to be independent someday. You know, and we want to help them.

So we might have to help them through the hurdles that they're dealing with. Yeah. And if you would like to find out more about our featured resource, go to buildingrelationships.us. The title of the book is Your New Life with Adult Children, a practical guide to what helps, what hurts, and what heals. Find out more at buildingrelationships.us.

Gary, thank you for coming alongside us today and for helping parents of adult children who are struggling and those who had some turnarounds as well. Keep doing what you're doing, friend.

Well, it's great to be with you, Chris. I'm excited about this book. I think it's going to help a lot of parents. If that's your struggle, if your child has moved away from the faith that you've tried to pass on, don't miss our next segment of Building Relationships. Our thanks to Janice Vacking and Steve Wick for their work behind the scenes.

Also, thanks to Ryan McConaughey and Tricia McMillan. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.