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Producers' Pick | Comedian John Crist questions Brian's airport massage habit...

Brian Kilmeade Show / Brian Kilmeade
The Truth Network Radio
October 8, 2022 12:00 am

Producers' Pick | Comedian John Crist questions Brian's airport massage habit...

Brian Kilmeade Show / Brian Kilmeade

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So to get a real offer on your vehicle in minutes, download the app or visit All right, John, Chris is back in studio. You're smart enough to have gotten Fox Nation. He's a comedian, commentator. He's got this rich religious knowledge because his dad was a minister, pastor, right? Religious knowledge, that's it.

Yeah, it's not a degree or anything, but I just spent a lot of time in church. Yeah. You do. And you said you had this is interesting.

I'll take that. This is interesting. I spend, my old family is from field to field.

Your old family, how many brothers and sisters do you have? Seven. Right. Yeah. You didn't want to ballpark it.

Exactly seven. You spent a lot of time in church, right? Yeah. And you loved it.

Loved it. Yeah. Growing up in church is the best thing. You know, the one thing I always taught you, of course, don't murder, you know, don't steal. And the third commandment was don't get a massage in the airport. That is not true. That's in the Bible. That is in the vastity.

I did not know that the early man was that savvy about what the Wright brothers were able to pull off and put it together flight. Yeah. No, but you don't get a massage in the airport.

No, dude. Well, you know, all right, if you ever like go, you're out of town. But I'm not naked in the airport. I just go in the machine.

I'm not the kid on the chair. But they do have the naked ones. That's crazy. In Dallas, Fort Worth, they have one.

Go in the back room, get naked, get a massage. Yeah. Right. So if you're out of town in like a new city where you go on tour. Right. So you're in where you go in Tulsa. Yeah.

And Brandon, Mississippi. Okay. What you can't do is just Google massage and go there. Right. You cannot do that.

Do not do that. Because? There you're going to be on the news in the morning. You've got to look up a reputable place, like go to a hotel that has like a spa or like you can't just be out here.

I guess this is my reputation. My family kind of sets me up. They know I like to get a massage.

Okay. And they'll get a massage. And then when I tell them I'm going to get a massage, like, oh, okay, hot shot.

Yeah, yeah. Well, go take care of yourself. Oh, you make a massage. I'll handle everything. You go get you a massage.

I'm like, wait, didn't you buy this for me? Okay, ratings are well, dude. I'm getting a massage, dude. Right. And if I get this, I go to that franchise, Massage Envy. Yes. You go to a franchise. Go to one and they're like, oh, I know of that one.

Not the one where it's two in the morning just blinking massage. No. Do not go to that one.

See, this is a reputable one. Yeah. They have a tax.

They file their taxes and everything. Yeah, yeah. But I envy anyone that can get an appointment. Okay. Because every time I call Massage Envy, they're like, you have to make an appointment way ahead of time. But my schedule doesn't reflect that.

No, dude. Who's working for you? I mean, you can't get this guy. Drop some names. These don't work for me. They work with me.

Brian Kilmeade's coming through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do the people that work for you, John Crist?

Yeah. Like Enterprises? Are you Enterprises? John Crist Entertainment. Entertainment?

I like John Crist Enterprises. That sounds better, though. Do you want to change it? That sounds like multiple. There's multiple things. It's not just me posting on TikTok.

He's got everything. I mean, yeah. John Crist Enterprises is not just a guy posting on TikTok in the airport.

All right. So we played the airport one. Should we do the NASCAR one? Or do you not think that one, NASCAR is funny?

No, I mean, they are all hilarious. I'm right here, dude. I'm right here.

He's right there. What do you mean? You don't think it's funny? They're all hilarious. Well, she'd be honest.

She's honest with you. She goes, nah, this one's not that funny. No, I pulled all of the very funny. They're all great. But as far as working for radio. No, they're all fantastic. That's right, no, but it's edited down, so it's like what you would I mean, John can probably because we've already played the soccer golf, which is fantastic.

The Irritated Weatherman, which I think is awesome. I mean, I got thousands of them. But yeah, yeah. So do you mean you just have an idea?

You just do it and you almost forget about it? Well, once I press publish, it's kind of I'm already onto the I sometimes I see him, but somebody goes, that's my favorite video. I go, I forgot I made that. Wow. It just makes so many videos. All right. So we'll forget about video. I'm going to have you comment on what's going on.

You know what I'm going to have him do, I think it's a great idea, which you should have come up with, Alison. I shouldn't go on my own. Who pulled the Shaq? Who pulled the Shaq tape? That was me. That was you. OK, great. So what do you do?

And this is going to be your problem when you have children. Yeah. OK. You're so famous. Yeah.

And you're so rich. Yeah. What about you?

How are you kids going to grow up not being entitled? Yeah. Listen to how Shaq, who's very similar to you, but compared to him. OK. This is how he handles it.

Cut 39. Because I believe in respectable nepotism, you know, I was with the Miami Heat one day and the article came out. The grandmother leaves the son $250 million, right?

So I didn't think of that because it's a rich family. So I go in the locker room one day to shoot and this kid's on his knees scrubbing the bathroom floor. And I'm looking at him like, hey, man, didn't your grandmother just give you 250 million?

Yeah, but dad wants me to start from the bottom. So he had to do that. He was picking up jocks. And he was, you know, he started in the marketing department and now I think he's the vice president. Once I saw that, I was like, you know what, that right there is respectable nepotism. Because the kid went to Duke, his grandma gave him 250, he could have been like, I'm not doing anything. But his dad said, nope, you start from the bottom. So that's, that's what I also teach my kids. So how do you feel about it?

Is that responsible? I mean, that's, that's not really starting from the bottom. There's like a huge net below if you that's not like the G League would be truly starting from the bottom. You got to try out. Yeah. Some guys are in Rucker Park. That's like, right.

You clean the court in Rucker Park. Yeah. And if he doesn't, if he doesn't, that doesn't, if he does, like, I don't want to do this anymore. He's like, I know I got because you have when I started comedy, I say it's like the aircraft carrier had a nine to five job and then you go, you know, when the air that goes on, then it's, it's almost hits the water and then it right, that's a $250 million net is like, but give it a shot. Okay.

How about this scenario? Your dad's not a pastor. He's a comedian. He's Robin Williams. Okay. My dad's Robin Williams. You want to be a live comedian? Yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld. All right. There you go. So it was good though, right? Yeah. It's great. Yeah.

One of the prolific. Yeah. So your dad's a comedian.

You start working your way up. Yeah. But your dad owns a club too.

Yeah. And he owns a club. He owns a club. Yeah. Does John Chris Jr. not go to the club? No, he goes to the club.

I would say my dad would probably make me go by a different name. Oh, right. So I'm not like, no, I'm not like Robin Williams Jr. Right. I just got to, you were like, we named Scott and then the crowd will know. Scott Christ. Yeah.

He would never name someone Scott. But a lot of those guys, a lot of those like NASCAR drivers and stuff like that, like they're a junior. Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Yeah.

You know. Al Lancer Jr. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Because what do their dads do? Drive.

Yes. They drove. So as soon as they get in that car, they're miles ahead of the guy that his dad didn't drive because they know, they've seen it. They know what success looks like. Because you can't pretend, Shaq can't pretend he's not ridiculously rich. And he also, by the way, he is enterprises. He does everything.

Yeah. He is Shaq is enterprises. He does TV, every other commercial. And he's good. He's great.

These are semi, these are semi entertaining commercials. But the worst, I would say the worst is when the nepotism and the kid is like not good. That's bad. Like Michael Jordan Jr. is like, ugh.

Like he's not good. I know. That's, that's even worse because you're like, I just wish I was just like a guy, like trying to play basketball. You know, I heard Gaddafi's son wanted to be, I know. Wanted to be a what? You want to write this down? So Gaddafi's son wanted to be a pro soccer player. That's how we were doing like entertainment and sports and now you're just like okay. So Gaddafi's son wanted to be a soccer player. I'm going, wait a second.

Okay. He was at his dictator best. Like this was Gaddafi before he was, before he was killed by his people.

At his height. Yeah. So his son was, and they're like, can someone tell, can we, can we tell his daddy's terrible? Oh, he wasn't good. He wasn't good.

I mean, better than Mo, like better than the average, he's, he's better than club ball. Yeah. But he should not have been playing pro, but they kept him on the team. You got, cause yeah, you got to keep him on the team. You got to keep the dictator's son on the team. It's in your country. Right. You're keeping him. I bet, dude.

You don't even think the analogy works because. Well, if he goes to, I would just imagine him going to like the rival countries. Right. And dude, the hell that those other crowds would give him. Right. Can you imagine?

He would have to be his greatest master. Wait, this is real. This is a real story? Oh yeah.

Gaddafi's son was pro and he was just, that should not have been a pro. You're like, dude, you can't stab somebody. And you know a lot about sports. You did not know this? No, I did not know that.

That's unbelievable. Are you not a soccer fan? I'm a US soccer fan.

Right. Nashville FC and obviously the World Cup teams. Hey, Nashville FC does well, right? Huge. We're doing, yeah, we just qualified with the playoffs.

How did you know that? Is this your first year? What are the call letters of the Nashville station? We don't have one. Oh, we don't have one. Yeah, you're out of that one. Are you fair on that one? Yeah. Not only that. That was the most impressive thing last time.

He knew everybody. Right. I will say this. It hurts that you brought that up that I'm not on Nashville because I. We'll get you in there. Right.

How do you do that? It's all your people down there. I know.

You would think that they'd be begging me. You know what our people are. You remember this from last time?

You know what our people are? You know what you called me? You remember that? What did I call you?

Big red, white, and blue guy. Yeah. You don't like that? I took that. I've been using it. Have you? Last two weeks. So you write in your book, and I haven't threw all of it yet, but you write in your book that it's not out yet. How far are you through?

About 100 pages. Okay. I saw you reading it at the break. But it's not out yet. It's out next week, 17. Right. It's not on the set, do we, too? That's the first time I ever saw it. You got it before me.

Should I not talk about... Do you care if I talk about some stuff in the book? We're already in it. I mean, yeah. I could back out now. No, yeah. We could roll a commercial. Yeah. Let's go to commercial. All right.

How about this? You can talk about anything you want. I did not know you needed to see somebody else do religion on stage in Los Angeles at the Comedy Magic Club for you to call in with your background, your religious background.

You thought to yourself, in Los Angeles, I'm not going to bring up religion. No one's going to know what's going on. No. So tell me. This woman's killing. Killing.

And she's talking about Moses and the burning bush. Yes. Why was that a revelation for you? Okay. Because I grew up in church and I always thought we were like a sequestered community.

We would drive to our church and we would pass 20 churches on the way. My parents are like, don't. These aren't... Don't even look. Don't even look at them. Hey, that youth group has pizza. Don't even... We're not even... Yeah.

They raised their hands over there. We don't. No, we're going to ours. We're going to our school very sheltered. So I started telling these jokes about growing up in church.

I would do a joke like, just because your kid's named a Bible name doesn't mean he's going to be a good kid because I'm pretty sure in sixth grade a kid named Jesus stole my bike. Right. It's like a... Everybody... You don't have to be a Christian to know that. Absolutely. And you were worried that no one's going to have the fundamentals. Yeah. But then if you go outside, if you go down in New York City, would everybody know who David and Goliath is? Sure. Yes. And do Christians meet on Sunday morning and give money? Right.

And 70 million Christians in this country seem to figure the odds are good. Yes. And now you go up at maybe... I'm in New Jersey this weekend. It'll be a little... You're not going to do a Father Abraham joke like you would down in Birmingham, Alabama. Right. It's more of a tradition down there.

But I thought in LA, these people are... Comedy Magic Club. Yeah. And this girl was doing a joke about Moses. And you say it in a way.

If you go to like a... I mean, there's black comedy shows, Muslim comedy shows, gay comedy shows, Middle Eastern. There's a lot of themes of comedy shows. And if you weren't that specific, you weren't that specific market, you wouldn't love it, but you would get it. Right.

For the most part. And that was a revelation because then you started to say the same funny stuff. You wanted funny stuff about you. About me. You heard Seinfeld talking on an interview.

And so the thing that's going to make you unique is talking about your story. That's like... Jim Gaffigan has a bit about growing up Catholic, having six kids and trying to steal cake at night when his kids are sleeping. No one can steal that. Right. That's his joke. Yeah. So if I talk about being homeschooled and working at Chick-fil-A, like you can't steal that.

You're like, that's John's joke. Yeah. Because you lived it.

Yeah. You lived it and you speak directly from your perspective. And then I just started doubling down. I go, I'm just going to do, I'm going to talk about me and that's when my career took off. And did it help you? Does it help you become a better person as you like, as you expose yourself to the audience? That gains an attachment to the audience.

Oh, 100%. They feel like they know you, right? They go, yeah, there's a lot of guys that I see that are like just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. And be like, we don't know him. Like I bet when people see you on the street, they like hug you. Right.

And you're like, yo, I don't, you forget. I'm Irish. Yeah. I'm not a big hugger. I'm half Irish.

No, but people use it. It kind of goes both ways because you love massages but don't like hugs. So I'm, I'm going to call you, I'm going to call you on that one. I'm living a double life.

How do I do this? How am I pulling this off? I don't like physical touch at all. I'm going to go get a massage. No hugs.

I have to get in touch with myself because I don't even realize how I really feel. Yeah. You don't know.

Yeah. Well, I was like, well, I heard the last time you got a massage, you started crying in there and I was like, that's not true. And I know that's not true because my masseuses, we're just poor old for masseuses, Maasai.

Maasai, oh, Maasai, don't, she's not saying a word, dude. I will say that they, they sign a confidentiality agreement, like Trump, Trump had everybody signed a confidentiality agreement. He like knows things are going to go off the hook here. I have people that like, if they come with me on the tour bus for the weekend, like another, they're signing, they have to sign. But if you like, somebody comes to clean my house, you can't be asking people to sign an NDA for that. I think Trump does. That's like, I think Drake does.

He does do that? Drake, if you come over to Drake's house, you got to put your keys in the basket and sign an NDA to go into his house. We come back. We need to get on that level. Drake. Me and you. Me and you. Yeah, we need to get on that level.

I don't see it happening. That's the, if I'm John Chris Enterprises, that's what I got to do. And you can hire. Yeah, I got to hire. You have John Chris Enterprises. John Chris Entertainment barely making it. Yeah, no NDA.

Enterprises, too big. You can't even know everybody. If you give me a hug, NDA, sign it.

Back in a moment. Excuse me, was your ex by any chance a four count chicken nugget meal? Cause I can tell that you were never satisfied.

Yeah. What's up girl? Ladies call me Chick-fil-A cause I'll always satisfy you and I was founded on Christian principles. Girl, me and you were made for each other like a homeschool van in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. Excuse me. Um, are you Chick-fil-A sauce?

Cause you're my first choice. Girl, you treat me wrong and I'm a chicken biscuit after 10 30. Not available.

What's up? You want a strip? Chicken strip. I meant chicken strip.

Chicken strip. Hey girl. Listen, I know a lot of guys are like lining up to date you, but honestly I'm like a Chick-fil-A mobile order. I can skip the line.

You can't spell love without I and you. Oh, wait, you can? Oh, okay. Well, I'm a Chick-fil-A cow. Okay.

I can't spell. Girl, you can call me a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich wrapper bag because I am still good in the morning. No, because I went home after our date and stayed at my house. Then I came back in the morning. We went on a second date and it was still fun.

That's what I meant. Yo, what's up girl? They call me Chick-fil-A chicken soup, Christian and good for the soul. Oh sure. Yeah. We can go to dinner and a movie, but I got morals. Okay.

We can go to the Chick-fil-A store hours. Nothing good happens after 10. This weekend, check out Brian's new show on Fox News Channel. Because apparently he's cheaper than infomercials for nonstick pans. That is not true. Chill out, Gutfeld.

That really hurts. One Nation with Brian Kilmeade, Saturdays at 8 p.m. Eastern on Fox News Channel. More of Brian coming up.

Precise, personal, powerful. Is America's weather team in the palm of your hands? Get Fox weather updates throughout your busy day, every day. Subscribe and listen now at or wherever you get your podcasts.

The more you listen, the more you'll know. It's Brian Kilmeade. At a White House event, President Biden asked if Representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience asking, where's Jackie? Apparently forgetting she died last month.

President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming Justice Katanji Brown-Jackson to the Supreme Court, said Biden. And where's Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here. That was pretty funny, right, from SNL. Right. I mean, they had some moments, but they just refused to do the other side.

John Chris is with us here. I like when the press secretary tried to explain away that one. That's my favorite.

I mean, that's like, I should come off, I should come off and just, we should just play those as standup. And you don't have to say that. That is unbelievable humor. And what she said essentially was, well, you have to understand the president had her on top of mind.

Just unreal. Because we know, everybody knows he screwed up. Everybody knows that he forgot she was dead. Like he can't just say, hey, you're right. You just, a refusal to just, the doubling down is just.

And evidently, even the Washington Post was asking her, listen, we all know you're not showing the truth. It's fine. Like, I don't even want to do this, but you're making me ask you a tough question. That's like, someone's like, hey, hey, should we get like the booster? You're like, yeah, you should get it. You're like, still, still. Well, yeah. Someone just say like, hey, we might have.

How about this? The Coast Guard guy gets praise from the president of the United States. Like he went out there in the, in the middle of a hurricane, 14 foot waves, and he saved countless people. He's a great man. It turns out he's being fired next week for not getting the vaccine. He gets cold. That's true.

That's totally true. Next week he will get the vaccine. Done. This stud that is a hero, should be wearing a cape, is getting fired for their vaccine. And by the way, the guy that back, when I, when I confronted Admiral Kirby, Admiral Kirby was in quarantine. He's got four shots. He got the virus and he's firing this guy who's saving people in a hurricane.

Does anyone know how a vaccine works? I just want you to hear this and I want to get your reaction. I'm ready. This guy's got a problem trying to relate every story to and make some things to make it more relatable. Tell me, tell me if you hear this.

Oh no. And so I, I was sort of raised in the Puerto Rican community at home politically. So he's trying, he's in Puerto Rico trying to relate to them. He was raised in Delaware where he says there was a disproportionate amount of Puerto Ricans.

They looked it up. There was no, there was absolutely no Puerto Ricans. Like don't say anything. Don't say, just don't say anything. Have you ever met someone who had to put himself in the center of every story?

You know, someone from, if someone from the right did that, it would be canceled. I was raised Puerto Rican. So listen, I'm excited about you're going to be in Newark, New Jersey on the seventh. New Brunswick. Yeah. New Brunswick.

That's even more important. New Brunswick again on the eighth. Where are you going? Down there. And then you're going on the, on the eighth again in New Brunswick, New Jersey at the stress factory. I got four shows down there. And then over to Virginia Beach. Funny bone on the 21st.

Let's go. Put the power of over 100 meteorologists and the worldwide resources of Fox in your hands with the Fox weather podcast, precise, personal powerful subscribe and listen now at Fox news or wherever you get your podcasts.
Whisper: medium.en / 2022-12-24 21:22:49 / 2022-12-24 21:34:18 / 11

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