Best of 2020: God's Plan for Sex & Marriage: The Problem with Selfishness

The following message from Pastor Greg Laurie is made possible by Harvest Partners, helping people everywhere know God. Check out Virtue, our website for Christian women.

Go to harvest.org forward slash virtue when in reality it should be, how can I fulfill you? You put the needs of your spouse above your own and then when they do it in turn, everybody's blessed as a result. But most importantly, you put God first in all things. It's been said that if marriage doesn't end your selfishness, selfishness might lead to the end of your marriage. A good marriage is made up of givers and forgivers. And today on A New Beginning, Pastor Greg Laurie brings another of his most requested studies of the year with a look at strengthening our marriages.

We'll see marriages that go the distance work on closing the distance between the two spouses through better communication and reorienting priorities. Let's learn more. This is the day, the day when life begins. Grab your Bible and turn to Ephesians chapter five. That's going to be our anchor text. This is part of a larger series that we're doing on marriage and the family called Home Sweet Home. Let's start with a word of prayer. Father, we ask that you would bless this time of Bible study as we open your word because we want to see our marriages strong and vibrant. And we want them to last a lifetime.

And we want to live happily even after. But Lord, as we've deviated from your template and from your plan, we've seen the consequences of it. As Scripture says, we sow the wind. We reap the whirlwind.

Forgive us for that. I pray for every marriage representative, every person that's listening that you will strengthen it. And for those Lord that are single, help them to be patient and wait on you for that right person to not rush this thing. We commit it all to you now. In Jesus' name we pray.

Amen. Ephesians chapter five. God has given us an instruction manual on life. And that includes marriage. And that includes family. And that includes raising children.

And that includes being single. It's called the Bible. B-I-B-L-E. Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. We need to pay attention to what the Bible says. God will tell us how to do this right.

And that is why this series is anchored in a text. But we wonder is it possible to have a marriage where we live happily ever after? Well maybe we ought to lose the fairy tale and just rephrase it as I said earlier to you can live happily even after if you build your marriage on the right foundation.

Listen. If you see a strong and thriving marriage that did not happen by accident or by default. If a marriage is strong and thriving that's because two people are doing their part.

The man has his part and the woman has her part. And it's amazing to me how people will obsess about weddings but forget about marriage. That they will spend more time talking about the house they are going to purchase rather than the home they are going to build. So the most important thing is not the house. It's the home. The most important thing is not the wedding. It's the marriage.

And here is how to do it right. Ephesians 5. God takes us back to the very beginning. Verse 31. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

We will stop there. Why did God bring the woman to the man? Because she would bring what was missing in his life and the purpose and objective of marriage can be summed up in two words. Go back to Ephesians 5.

31. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh. I want you to write down two words if you are taking notes. The words are leave and cleave. Leave and cleave. Two very important words that must be in constant play in the marriage relationship to keep it vibrant and strong.

So it is leave and cleave or sever and attach to or loosen and secure. A successful marriage begins with a leaving. A leaving of all other relationships.

Now don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that you don't have other relationships. You are still a child to your parents. You are still a sibling.

You are still that person. But now a new relationship, a new family has emerged and that should become your number one priority. The closest relationship outside of marriage is specified here. A man will leave his father and his mother. Meaning that if it is necessary to leave your father and mother then all lesser ties must be broken, changed, or left behind. The primary responsibility of a husband is to his wife. The primary responsibility is of a wife to her husband. You still honor your parents but a leaving must take place. And this can be detrimental in the marriage if you don't do it.

So get this figured out ahead of time. Leaving as in leaving and cleaving also means giving other relationships a lesser degree of importance. Listen guys. You can still have your buddies, girls. You can still have your girlfriends. You can have those relationships. But the most important relationship is that of you to your spouse. So it is kind of hard to have a best friend that isn't your husband or wife. You can have close friends. But your best friend should be your spouse. And I hope I don't need to tell you that it is very problematic to have close friendships with members of the opposite sex. Right?

So if you say to your wife, hey honey I am going out with my best friend Mary and we are going to go to dinner and then do a movie. But there is nothing here to worry about. Forget that. Ok. That just has to stop. You can't do that.

Your best friend should be your spouse. Here is a really key verse. You might want to write it down and look at it later. But I will read it to you.

It is Malachi 2.13. God says, It is interesting. So God is reproving the individual for unfaithfulness but He refers to the wife as not just the wife but your companion and your wife. See your wife isn't just your wife. She is your companion and your wife. And the word companion means someone that you are united with in thoughts, goals, plans, and efforts. Thoughts, goals, plans, and efforts.

Your companion. This same idea is communicated over in 1 Peter 3. Husbands dwell with your wives with understanding giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel as being heirs together of the grace of life so your prayers be not hindered. So actually what Peter is saying is hey you need to understand how important your wife is because if you don't, if you are not united with her as you ought to be, your prayers will be hindered. So periodically it is a good idea to take stock of your life and your marriage and say is there anything I am doing that is hurting my relationship with my spouse. You know I pay attention with Kathy.

He says, Greg I don't like it when you do that. Or this concerns me. Now it may seem trivial to me. Okay. I may dismiss it and say well that is ridiculous.

No but wait. If it means something to her it should mean something to me. And same with her. You know I don't like this thing here that is happening. You need to listen to each other in these areas and take stock.

And if there is another relationship or maybe it is your career. Hey it could even be your ministry. And it is becoming more important to you than your first ministry which is to your wife and your children.

Then you need to reevaluate and you need to realign again as the Scripture tells us we should. You know it is interesting after Adam and Eve were married the Bible says God called their name Adam. He saw them as one flesh.

To become one. And so when you are married you are technically one flesh. But now it is going to take a lifetime to kind of work that out. Kathy and I realized recently that between us we have one complete brain. It is like I have one half. She has the other half. And when I forget something she remembers it. And she forgets something and I remember it. And so together we have one working brain. But you see it takes time.

It takes a lot of time to get to know a person and to flex with a person and adapt and all the things that happen in a relationship. And that can be said of our relationship with God. I mean the day I become a Christian I am forgiven of my sin.

Right? The day I become a Christian the Bible says I am justified which means that all my sins are forgiven and the righteousness of Christ is placed into my account. But then there is what is called in the Bible sanctification.

Sanctification is now living out what God has done in my life. And it is sort of that way in marriage. I mean you are technically married. You are technically one flesh. But it is a lifetime now of discovering what that means. So first you leave and then you cleave. Now what does the word cleave mean? Well it doesn't mean to divide as in a meat cleaver. It actually means to bring together. It suggests a determined action.

There is nothing passive about the act of cleaving. You are holding on. You are clinging to each other. And one of the ways that we express that love. One of the ways that we demonstrate that love is through the sexual union. You know I think sometimes people think that God disapproves of sex.

How ridiculous. God created sex. And clearly in the Bible we can see that He gave it to us to be fruitful and multiply. So yes it is for procreation.

Yes it is for bringing children into the world. But God didn't say you couldn't have some fun while you are doing it. And you can't have fun in sex. It doesn't have to be a dirty word. It doesn't have to be a taboo subject. It is something that can be enjoyable, pleasurable, and listen to this, even blessed.

But only in the boundaries and safety of a marriage relationship. Because God will bless this as you come together in His perfect plan. Pastor Greg Laurie will have the second half of his message in just a moment.

Hey everybody Greg Laurie here personally inviting you to join us for what we call Harvest at Home. It's a Bible study. It's a worship service. It's church in your home. Maybe you are not able to get out to your church right now. If so join us for Harvest at Home. People are listening in from around the world.

Listen to this. We have seen thousands of people make a commitment to follow Christ. So join us this weekend for Harvest at Home at Harvest.org. Well we are looking at marital intimacy today in Pastor Greg's message called God's Plan for Sex and Marriage.

One of the top ten most requested studies of the past year. Another way that we express this oneness to each other is through communication. One of the keys to a successful marriage is communication. That means you have got to talk a lot together. You need to spend time together.

You need to take time off together from all the things that you are involved in and share your heart. In fact I read a survey that pointed out that divorced couples were asked why did their marriage fail. You know what the number one reason was? Deficient communication. 86% said my marriage failed because of deficient communication. So you see why leave and cleave are operative words all through a marriage.

First you leave all other relationships and make your marital bond your most important. And then you are constantly cleaving, constantly growing, constantly loving and expressing that love toward one another. I mean it is as simple as telling your spouse you love them. When is the last time you said to your wife, I love you. Or to your husband, I love you.

I appreciate you. Even a hug would go a long way. I heard about a couple that was having some marital problems so they went down to see their pastor. After a few sessions of listening and asking questions the pastor said he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, came out from behind his desk, walked over to the woman, asked her to stand and he gave her a hug. And he turned to the husband and said, that is what your wife needs at least once a day. The husband said, thank you pastor.

And then the husband said, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow. Uh. Misappoint. If I could sum up the breakdown of marriage in one word it would be selfishness. What it should be selflessness. I already said don't marry someone if you think you are going to fix them because they will probably get worse. So you are going to have to accept them and love them as they are. And if you are not willing to do that you have a problem.

Houston we have a problem. It is selfishness. We walk into the marriage saying, how are you going to fulfill me. How are you going to meet my needs. What are you going to do for me.

It is me, me, me, me. When in reality it should be how can I fulfill you. How can I meet your needs. You put the needs of your spouse above your own and then when they do it in turn everybody is blessed as a result.

But most importantly you put God first in all things. But this breakdown in communication is what causes it. I think because we don't have the excitement we initially felt when we first got married all the way through the marriage that we think well I guess the marriage isn't working anymore.

Kind of like that actress I quoted in the beginning. I am not so sure that two people are meant to be together for a lifetime. No actually what it is is they are meant to be together for a lifetime. But they have to understand that life changes. Emotions change. But it gets better.

Listen. It gets better. A study was done on couples who had serious conflicts but decided to stay together. The study revealed that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported their marriages were happy five years later. See they just hung in there. Now their marriages are happy five years later. Most striking this article says long term studies demonstrate two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced. It is interesting when stats bear out what the Bible said all along.

Isn't it? Let's just do it God's way. Leaving and cleaving. Leaving all other relationships. Making your marriage your most important relationship. Putting the needs of your spouse above your own. Selflessness instead of selfishness. Watch what God will do. Saving sex and keeping sex for you and your spouse only.

You never cross those lines. Do everything you can to cultivate and weed the garden of your marriage. And you will live happily even after.

Why? Because God said you would in the Bible and you can trust what God says. So now we just need to start living it out. You know in closing the marriage is of course a picture of the love of God for us and the picture of our love for God. And how did God show His love to us?

I mentioned earlier. Why are we Christians? Because we responded to the love of God. How did God show His love to us? He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sin. And there He hung on that cross and bore every wrong and every sin and every evil thing you and I have ever done. But He rose again from the dead three days later. And He stands at the door of our life and He knocks. And if we will hear His voice and open the door He will come in.

Now listen. I am not talking about marriage right now. I am talking about life.

I am talking about eternal life. So if you are married, if you are single, if you are divorced, if you are widowed, if you are a kid and you don't even know what I am talking about here is what I want to say to you. You just need Jesus. Wherever you are at in life you need Jesus Christ. You need Him living inside of you. Helping you to be the man or the woman He has called you to be.

And there might be some of you here who don't have Christ living inside of you. Maybe you are talking about going to church and maybe learn a few biblical principles and how to have a better marriage and be a happier person. That is not what I am here for. I will share with you principles that will help your marriage. I will share with you principles that will help you have a happier life. But that is not my job. My job if you will is to tell you how to get right with God and go to heaven when you die.

That is what I want for you more than anything else. And in a moment we are going to pray. And I am going to give you an opportunity to ask Christ to come into your life and forgive you of all of your sin.

There might be some of you that well you have kind of wandered off. You know it is right but you have strayed. And you have done things you are ashamed of. Maybe your marriage is unraveling.

Maybe you are single but you are having sex before you are married. Or maybe you are doing this or you are doing that. Whatever you are doing you need to get right with God. You need to repent of your sin and get right with God.

And I want to give you an opportunity to do that. Let's all pray. Father I pray for any person here especially those that don't know You. Or those that have gone astray. Help them to come to You now and believe and be forgiven of all of their sin. In Jesus name I pray.

Amen. Pastor Greg Laurie was an important prayer. And if you would like to make a change in your relationship with the Lord today, don't turn away. Pastor Greg will help you before today's edition of A New Beginning concludes. Now to hear any part of today's study again, one of our most requested messages of the past year, you can get a replay by going to harvest.org. Just look for the message called God's Plan for Sex and Marriage. For a CD copy call 1-800-821-3300.

Call anytime 24 7 1-800-821-3300. Well Pastor Greg we know that more than 140,000 people made professions of faith last year through Harvest Ministries. The Lord moved in such a mighty way in the midst of such a tumultuous year. And one of the main outreach platforms was your film called A Rush of Hope. Now we're making the DVD available for a short time longer. And we're hoping our listeners will take this film and use it themselves to bring people to the Lord.

Yeah truly true Dave. You know during these days of the coronavirus, it's been hard for a lot of people to go to church. But listen to this, Jesus did not say the whole world should go to church, but he did say the church should go to the whole world. We need to go to where people are. And I'll tell you where people are right now, they're looking at screens.

They're looking at phone screens, tablet screens, computer screens, and television screens. So we thought instead of saying that people come to us, we thought let's go to them. Let's saturate.

Let's permeate. Let's get the message to them in a way that will be entertaining, visually stimulating, but without compromising the essential gospel message. So the result of that was A Rush of Hope, a cinematic crusade that I did with my friend John Irwin, who is along with his brother Andy Irwin running Kingdom Studios as a part of Lionsgate. These are what the Brits might call proper filmmakers. They are the most successful Christian film of all time I can only imagine. These guys know how to make movies. So when I had this idea to do this film, I went to them. So we worked with director Ben Smallbone under the direction of John Irwin to produce what many have called the greatest evangelistic film they have ever seen.

Those are their words, not mine. But we have some proof that it's reaching people because we've seen thousands of people come to Christ as a result of simply watching this film that we call A Rush of Hope. So think about something. Imagine getting someone you care about in front of a screen to watch this. Imagine inviting someone over to your home, and maybe you give them a little meal, and you all sit down and watch A Rush of Hope. And you say, oh, it's some cheesy religious film. They don't want to watch it. Trust me, they'll be hooked after the first two minutes. And we will pray that God will impact them with the message of the gospel that is baked into this film. So I want to send you your own copy of A Rush of Hope for the first time ever out on DVD. We also will send you information about how you can stream it exclusively.

This is not information for the general public, but you'll be able to do it because we'll give you the info you need. And we want to encourage you to support our ministry. Listen to this. I can sell this to you, but instead I'm going to give it to you, dot, dot, dot, for your gift of any size. Some can only give a little. Some can give a little bit more.

Some can give a lot. Do what you can to help us get the gospel out to our generation. Our nation needs to hear the gospel. What other hope is there for America right now? Do you really think it's a political hope?

And I don't care what side of the aisle you're on. The need is spiritual, and the answer is spiritual, and the answer is the gospel. Paul said, I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone who believes. The word that Paul used there is from a Greek word that translates out to explosive power.

It's dynamic or dynamite power. There's explosive power in the simple message of the gospel, the story of the life, death, and resurrection of Christ. And we want to give this message to people you care about. So order your copy of A Rush of Hope, and send what you can.

And in advance, let me say thank you. Yeah, it's such a strategic time, not only for your donation, but for you to reach out with the hope of the gospel. So write us today at A New Beginning, Box 4000, Riverside, California, 92514. Or call 1-800-821-3300. That's 1-800-821-3300. And we can take your call 24-7.

Or just go online to harvest.org. And then, Pastor Greg, for those who want to make a change in their relationship with the Lord today, what's their next step? I would say the next step is that you have to recognize you're a sinner and be sorry for your sin and ask God to forgive you. And the way that we do that is through prayer.

That's how we communicate with God. So I would like to lead those people listening, you that are listening, that do not yet know Jesus Christ in a word of prayer. If you want Christ to come into your heart, if you want Him to forgive you of your sin, if you want to know that when you die you will go to heaven, pray this prayer with me right now. God, I know I'm a sinner and I'm sorry for what I've done. And I turn from my sin now and ask for you to forgive me.

Thank you for sending your son Jesus Christ to die on the cross and to shed His blood for me. Jesus, come into my life. Be my Savior and my Lord. Be my God and be my friend. I want to follow you from this day forward so fill me with your spirit and help me to be your disciple. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for forgiving me.

Thank you that I am now yours. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Amen. Listen, if you have just prayed that prayer with Pastor Greg and asked Jesus to be your Savior, we'd like to offer some help as you begin your new life as a Christian. We'd like to send you our New Believers' Growth Packet.

It'll answer some of the questions you might have and get you started off right toward building a strong foundation for your faith. So get in touch for your free New Believers' Growth Packet today. Our address is a new beginning, Box 4000, Riverside, CA 92514. Or call our 24-hour phone number, 1-800-821-3300.

That's 1-800-821-3300. Or go online to harvest.org and click Know God. Well, next time, more of the most requested presentations of the past year. Pastor Greg answers the challenging question, why does God allow trials in the life of the believer? Tune in for some important insight next time on A New Beginning. In the day, the day when life begins The preceding message from Greg Laurie was made possible by Harvest Partners, helping people everywhere know God. Sign up for Pastor Greg's free daily email devotions at harvest.org.