Becoming a Kingdom Husband

Husband is not merely a title, it's a position. It's a responsibility. It's a responsibility that you own. Dr. Tony Evans says that responsibility goes beyond you to your wife. That means whatever is wrong with her, you're responsible to be her deliverer. Celebrating 40 years of faithfulness, this is the alternative with Dr. Tony Evans. Author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, and president of the Urban Alternative. Husbands, if there's trouble in your marriage, Dr. Evans says it's possible there isn't enough dying going on in the relationship.

Let's join him as he explains. What does it mean to be a kingdom husband regardless of where you are or where you come from? Perhaps you came from a single-parent family and you never knew a father growing up, so you never knew what manhood was supposed to be and how to treat a lady and you never saw it. So you're working at a deficit. Or perhaps you had a male around, he just wasn't a good one. So the lessons you learned were bad lessons, not good lessons. Well, we can't change how you were raised.

We can't change the influences you had in the past, but what we can do is start you from where you are and see God make you and me into what He wants us to be. Before God ever created Eve, He created Adam and brought Adam in order underneath God, because a kingdom man is a man who is operating underneath divine rule. God has say so in his life. And just as he expects his family to follow him, God expects the male to follow him. When the male follows him, it's much more likely that the woman and the children will follow him.

But if he's out of alignment and they're following him, everybody's going wrong. The Bible says in verse 23 of Ephesians chapter 5, For the husband is the head of the wife. Now, I understand that a lot of ladies don't like that. I understand that perhaps you've been abused by a man, misused by men. You were raised up with abusive father.

You saw your father abusing your mother. That may be a whole lot of reasons why you don't like that verse. But hang with me, because when you see this verse in relationship to what God had in mind, it's a pretty verse. It's a sweet verse.

It's a I got it verse. He says that the man is the head of a woman. That brings up what does it mean for a man to be the head?

Jesus says in 1 Corinthians 11, 3, he says God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of every man, and a man is the head of a woman, just like he says in verse 23. What then is headship? In the Bible, headship means governing authority. It's like the head of state.

So it has to do with governing in a responsible way and exercising the authority that goes with the responsibility to achieve what the government is supposed to produce, which is in this case, the advancement of God's kingdom. So if you are a man, you are the head of your home for the purpose of advancing God's kingdom through leading your family in such a way that they are governed in the right way, that is to pursue that which advances God's purposes in history and enjoy the process and the challenges along the way. One of the key words that belongs to headship is responsibility. Even if you're not to blame, you're still responsible.

Why? Because husband is not merely a title, it's a position. It's a responsibility. It's a responsibility that you own, provide, protect, govern, all of that is tied in to headship. Now the question on the floor, if you're going to be a kingdom husband, if I'm going to be a kingdom husband, is how does headship work? You are to exercise the responsibility of headship in the context of love. We throw the word around without fully understanding its biblical import and what it means. Because we typically define love in terms of emotion, you know, how I feel about something or someone.

I love you, this is how I feel. And certainly emotion is a part of love. But let me give you the biblical definition of love. The biblical definition of love is passionately, righteously, sacrificially pursuing the well-being of another. In other words, you can love even when the emotions aren't there.

Because love starts with a decision that sometimes you will emote with, other times you won't emote with. But if you are passionately and righteously and sacrificially pursuing the well-being of another, you are in fact loving according to God's standard. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son. Love was seen in his willingness to sacrifice for our well-being.

How is love expressed? He says the first thing a man needs to know, if he's going to be a kingdom husband, is that he is to be his wife's savior. Verse 25, husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for her.

You see him speaking in the his-her language. He loved the church to death. So if you still alive, you ain't finished loving yet. He loved the church. Love came in the shape of a cross. Now, the only reason you need a savior is because there was a sinner. So Jesus Christ became our rescuer because we need to be rescued from something. He says a man is to be his wife's savior just as Jesus is the savior of the world.

What does that mean? That means whatever is wrong with her, you're responsible to be her deliverer from. Secondly, he says a kingdom husband, because he's reflecting something bigger than himself, Christ and the church, becomes his wife's sanctifier. Verse 26, so that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless. He sanctifies her.

Okay? First God saves us. Jesus saves us. Then he begins a process of sanctifying us. Sanctification means to set apart as unique or special.

Sanctification means to set something or someone apart, put it in a unique place and make it special. I've defined it like the dishes in your dining room. They are set apart. They're not in the kitchen with the regular stuff. They got their own room. They're set apart as unique or special.

They're not treated like all the other dishes, their own room, their own glass cabinet, because those dining room dishes are unique or special. So he says, after you save her, because you sacrifice for her, you are to sanctify her or to set her apart as unique or special. Now, the purpose of sanctification is to take somebody from where they are and turn them into what they ought to be.

That's the whole purpose of sanctification. When you and I got saved, all of our problems didn't disappear. All of our mistakes didn't disappear. All of our sins didn't disappear.

All of our weaknesses didn't disappear. We entered into a process of transformation, and that process of transformation is called sanctification. You see, guys, when you married your wife, you married her history. Or when you get married, if you're single, you marry that person's history.

You marry all the stuff they hid from you while you were dating. See, you got married and you say, I didn't know you were like this. She's always been like that.

Bossy, loud, argumentative, rebellious. She wasn't going to show you that till you put a ring up on her finger. Man, you were all shocked and surprised. That was always there. It just wasn't evident like it is now, because she didn't have the security of the ring that she has now. You say, well, if I would have known you were like this, I would have never married you. Always been like this. Sister girl always been like this.

The goal is to see a transformation occur through the influence of love called sanctification. You say, well, what if she's resisting it? What if she's not working with me? What if she's not cooperating with me? You've got to own that and say, okay, she's got this flaw, this flaw, this flaw, and this flaw. I take responsibility because your job is to align yourself in such a way that God helps you with her so that you can have the kind of relationship that God has established marriage to be.

It starts with you owning this thing if you're going to be a kingdom man. The reason why many of us are married today is because of how special we treated the lady. In fact, if we would have treated the lady then like we treat them now, they wouldn't have married us. In fact, some of the ladies didn't like us when we first showed up, if the truth be told. She told her girlfriend, you know, I don't like him. He's so ugly.

You know, I don't like him. But then you started calling and then you started treating her nice. Then you started complimenting her, how nice she looked, how sweet she talked, how pretty her eyes are, how you like her walk, how you like her talk, how you like her showing attention, opening the car door, and then she'd like you to get in before you drive off. You know, you were doing all this stuff.

You were doing all this stuff. And all of a sudden, she began to feel special. And once she began to feel special, she began to emote and relate to you. So she went from I don't like him, he a'ight. She went from he a'ight to he kinda nice. She went from he kinda nice to I'm in love. She shifted.

Now let me give you some good news, guys. Women were created to respond. See, God has built in response mechanisms. It's all of them extra nerves that women have that men don't have. Those are response mechanisms. So they can respond for good or for bad.

But they got all these other nerves running through their brain that are stitched to respond. And if you work that thing long enough and you work that thing right, you gonna see sanctification taking place and transformation taking place because she has been created to respond. That's what the text says. Look down because it says, verse 31, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother. It doesn't say anything about a woman leaving her father and mother. It says a man leaves his father and mother and the man is joined to his wife. It doesn't say anything about the wife being joined to the man. It says the man being joined to his wife, but then it says and then the two becomes one flesh. The two don't become one until a man moves.

The man has got to move first. And when she sees the man moving and the man leading and the man owning and the man taking responsibility and the man manning up and the man stepping up and the man treating her as special. Come on ladies. Could you respond to this?

All right. Give a man a break. He say he got it.

Let him have it. It says that he is to sanctify his wife. Do you know Jesus loves us when we're at our worst? Do you know he still loves us? Do you know, let me tell you something, do you know Jesus is never going to divorce you?

It's called eternal security. He's never going to divorce you because he loves you, even when you don't return the favor. Dr. Evans will come back with more on how women respond to real Kingdom manhood when he continues our message in just a moment.

Don't go away. As we've been learning, God has a plan for every facet of family life and a specific job for every family member and to help strengthen your family's spiritual foundation and bring you together at the same time, we have a great resource for you. It's a 52-week devotional book from Tony and his son Jonathan called The Kingdom Family Devotional. Topics range from the basics of faith like salvation, prayer and discipleship to life essentials like handling money, picking friends and setting priorities.

There's specific inspiration and instruction for each weekday, simple enough to keep the kids engaged and a little bit meaty enough to challenge mom and dad too. Right now, for a limited time, we'll send you a copy of The Kingdom Family Devotional as our thank you gift when you make a donation to support Tony's work here on the air. And if you do that right away, we'll also include a special bonus, all six full-length messages in Tony's current series, The Kingdom Family, on CD or digital download. Contact us right away to take advantage of this special double offer before time runs out. Visit tonyevans.org or call our resource request line at 1-800-800-3222.

Team members are standing by around the clock to help you. Again, that's 1-800-800-3222. Well, now here's Dr. Evans with part two of today's message. So there must be a decision by men to own this thing and to become the leader at home, the sanctifying leader that God has called you to be. Finally, you're to be your wife's satisfier. Verse 28, he says, So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.

Okay? Christ also the church. See, this is not just about you and her. It's about Christ and the church. So your job is to make Christ look good. Her job is to make the church look good so that there's a mini model of that relationship in the house where you live. Now, I know most people don't even have this as a point of reference.

They weren't taught this or were so vague that they were not encouraged in it or held accountable to it. But until we do, we're going to keep having the divorces. We're going to keep having World War III living in the home because everybody's out of alignment. The man's out of alignment with God. The woman is out of alignment with the husband, the children are out of alignment with the parents, and so you got hell in the home. But if men, it starts with the man, gets in alignment, Adam, where are you?

Not Adam and Eve, where are y'all? That he is taking ownership. The husband is to be the wife's satisfier. Do you know Jesus takes responsibility for meeting our needs? You meet the need.

If it's a legitimate need and you have the capacity to meet it, you meet the need. That means you're willing to find out what the need is. Now, I know ladies love to talk. Love to talk. I mean, ladies want to talk.

They want to conversate. I mean, you know, they have happy hour, you know, when you are unsaved, I hope, and you went to happy hour. You know why they call it happy?

Because you're not happy at work all day. You're not going to be happy when you go home, so they give you a stop off place where you can be happy between the two, okay? A lot of guys delay going home because they don't want to talk, okay? But ladies like to talk, and they want to talk, and they don't want you to give them a solution, at least not on the front end, because they want to emote it.

They want to get it out. So you got to sit there and listen, and better not look at your wife. You can't even sneak in and do that, okay? Because that means you're not paying attention.

And I know by experience, you ain't paying attention. You try to sneak, you try to sneak, you try to sneak a peek, you know? You know, the game coming on, the football game going, the baseball game coming on, and they didn't want to talk at the wrong time. You know, the game is on the line. It could go either way.

Can we talk? He's talking about meeting the need. 1 Peter 3, 7. 1 Peter 3, 7 says, Draw with your wives in an understanding way. You got to understand the need in order to meet it.

So if you don't want her interrupting your time, then you better pick a time that works for her so that you're not missing all time. To meet the need, he says, a man is to meet the need. Nourish and cherish. Nourish means to feed in order to mature.

Cherish was used of a bird sitting to warm an egg and spreading its feathers. It had to do with comfort and meeting the need. He says, dwell with your wife. Dwell doesn't mean just live in the house. It means to make yourself at home.

It means to own the responsibility of understanding, taking the time to get it, understand it, and address it. He says, become your wife's satisfier. To nourish and cherish.

That is to meet the need. Don't expect a summer wife if you bring home winter weather. You are the thermostat. She is the thermometer. You're supposed to set the temperature. She's supposed to let you know what it's reading. So if you come home with cold weather, don't be surprised, it's cold up in here.

But if you make it a hot place to live, then you will see the warmth of the home being manifested. You ought to leave. Yes, she has a responsibility. We're going to talk about that responsibility. But you set the pace for the home. You say, well, I married the wrong woman.

I'm convinced of it. Well, if you begin treating the wrong woman like the right woman, you might discover she becomes the right woman. There was this man this time, it's this guy, he had two daughters. One was extraordinarily beautiful and one was extremely homely. One was just a knock out, a brick house.

Mighty, mighty. The other one was just real homely. So this is back years ago when they used to give animals for the father to accept as a dowry to take the daughter. He found out that this rich guy was going to give him 10 cows for one of his daughters.

That was a lot of money for the milk and the meat and all that. Ten cows for one of my daughters? Well, he knew which daughter the guy was going to take, because he had one extremely beautiful daughter and one extremely homely daughter. So the day came, he presented his two daughters.

The man brought the 10 cows, he brought the 10 cows out, and he says, okay, here are my two daughters. To his shock, he picked the homely daughter. He was just shocked, because the beautiful daughter was shocked too. The homely daughter was shocked.

Everybody was shocked. He gave 10 cows to the father for the homely daughter. Took her away.

A year later, the father went to visit the man who had given him the 10 cows for his homely daughter. When she came out, she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen in his life. She was even prettier than the knockout, than the brick house.

He couldn't believe it. Whoa! How did you get so beautiful? The daughter said, when I saw that he viewed me as worth 10 cows, I said, I'm going to start looking like a 10 cow woman. In other words, I'm going to reflect the value he's placed on me. So maybe if your woman is homely, you haven't brought enough cows. You haven't brought enough to the table. And if you increase your cow portion, maybe she going to change how she does her hair and the kind of things she wears and the kind of talks she talks and the kind of walks she walks and the kind of communication she gives because you just changed her value.

And she wants to look like, sound like, act like, walk like, talk like the value you have placed on her because you have become a Kingdom Man. And you got it. Dr. Evans will come back in a moment to pray for us as we wrap up our program, so don't go away. In the meantime, today's message, Becoming a Kingdom Husband, is part of Tony's current series called The Kingdom Family.

It's an eye-opening look at God's original plan for life in the home and why following that plan is so vital for each of us. As I mentioned earlier, we're offering this six-message collection on both CD and digital download as our gift when you support Tony's ministry with your financial contribution. And if you do that right away, we'll include a bonus gift of The Kingdom Family devotional, a 52-week journey through the most important concepts of the Christian faith. Just visit tonyevans.org, where you can make the arrangements to receive these helpful family resources. Again, tonyevans.org. Or let one of our team members assist you when you call our resource request line at 1-800-800-3222.

Again, the number 1-800-800-3222. God has set up a chain of command for family life, and sometimes even speaking about it can make people uncomfortable. But tomorrow, Dr. Evans talks about the purpose behind the plan and the difference it can make in your home. Right now, though, he's back to lead us in a final word of prayer. Let's pray. Father, I thank you for the opportunity to serve you by serving those who are our friends, who are our listeners.

And we know we live in a world today full of struggle, full of pain and pressure. I pray that you will bring families together in a supernatural way to overrule the fraying that the world is trying to impose upon them. I pray for every man that he'll be a kingdom man and that he will lead his family righteously. I pray for every woman that she'll be a kingdom woman, that she will be a full partner in realizing what God wants for the home. I pray for the children that they will follow their parents as they follow Christ and not abandon the faith in their upper teenage years that so many are tempted to do. Then I pray for the single person who is trusting you for a mate but who has to still live for you in their single state, that you will become their mate and their fulfillment until such time as you change their circumstance. So we pray for families that you will knit them together so that they can be strong and solid witnesses for you. In Jesus' name, Amen.