Caregiving Mom Exhausted Over Daughter With Migraines

Let's go to Vera in Mississippi. Vera, how are you feeling? I'm doing okay. How are you?

Well, you know, I'm just precious. Thank you for asking. Tell me what's going on with you.

Yes, I was calling about my daughter. You know, she's had migraines for years. We've been to different doctors or whatever.

I'm gonna make a long story short. And she's had several surgeries like once every year. And she just gets disheartening sometimes. And sometimes I do too because she's now become addicted to the pain medicine.

I'm sorry, I'm driving. She's addicted to pain medicine. And then she is.

And she'll be talking and doing just fine. But if she has some sleeping pills, she'll just go in there and take all of the sleeping pills all of a sudden. And it's like, oh my God, what are you doing? And then when she gets done, she says, well, Mom, I'm just tired of living like this.

And it's just migraines, but it is so debilitating. And I try to be that mom that's strong and there for her. And all the time, you know how we do it. And whatever they go through, we go through because when you love someone, that's what you do. And we're so close together that it's disheartening sometimes when I see her, when I say, well, honey, pray about this. Pray about that. She says, Mom, it's like God doesn't care. It's like he's forgotten me. All of her friends are moving on.

She's getting the grief, but she's not getting the job because she's been not able to work. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get tired. And she's my only daughter. Yeah. Yeah. I know you get tired, Vera.

And it's hard to watch. How old is she? She's 31.

She's 31. And your doctors, do the doctors know that she's cranking pretty hard on the sleeping pills? No, they don't know. She's actually on pain meds too because of the, no, they don't know anything about that. I've told them a couple of times and they would, they would talk to her and tell her, well, you don't need to be doing that. And so they don't want to prescribe or anything now to go to sleep with because she's up at night because she couldn't sleep and she's going through the pain. And it's just like, it's just run amuck.

It's one thing, then it's another. Does she live with you? Lives with me. Yes. All right. And are you married? I am married. Yes. Okay.

So you and your husband, two things have got to happen and living with someone with chronic pain is, is just, it's God awful. I mean, it just is. There's no other way to describe it. I get it.

I get the journey. And is she seeing, what type of doctor is she seeing? Well, right now she's been a neurologist, which they don't know anything.

I'm sorry. And she's seeing a pain management that she sees every month. She gets medicine every Thursday and she's seeing, she has a back heart rate, so she sees a heart doctor from time to time. It's just those three doctors. Yeah. Does she have a psychiatrist involved in this at all?

Do not. No, she does not. Would, would you, would you, the neurologist is a good place to be because that's what they deal with. You know, I'm sorry that they're not able to, to better function in that regards, but it may be worth your while to explore a psychiatrist with her. And on a couple of levels, because there may be some, some aggravating circumstances going on in the psychiatric world with her. And they may, and psychiatrists are pretty good with medications.

That's, you know, that's, they understand pharmacology pretty well. And that may be a good start for you, but what, for her, but what about you? What are you doing to kind of help detach yourself from this and keep your own sanity?

Exactly. Well, of course, I do a lot of praying. Oh my God, I do a lot of praying and, you know, just trying to stay focused and try not to get upset at certain things I tell her to do that she don't do. And I'll say, well, honey, don't eat sweets. Honey, don't eat this.

Let's don't eat the salt. Let's, you know, and I'll find out she's got some cookies in the room and, you know, things of that nature. Then I get a little, I get angry because I'm like, sugar is bad for you.

But what I do is I continuously to pray and I do work. So I get a break there and then sometimes it would be like she would call me just in the middle of the night. She'll text me in the next room and she'll say, well, mom, I'm hurting or I don't feel good. And I said, well, honey, we don't have any more pain pills. I said, just listen to the word.

Well, listen, let's do, let's do a couple of things. One of them is diet does play a role in this. And if she's, if she's doing those kinds of things, you're not responsible for that kind of stuff.

OK. The migraines you get don't have any control over. But but also her her bad choices of what she's putting in her body. And if she's texting you in the middle of the night, you might want to turn your phone off. Because setting boundaries with her is going to be a real challenge, I'm thinking. And she's got she's gotten pretty used to having somebody at her beck and call do everything for her.

And, you know, that's the I get that. But she's not going to she's not going to necessarily be able to get out of this. But she's got to learn how to live better with it. I live with somebody in chronic pain who's never known a day without it since 1983.

And and this and it's I've seen the MRIs, I've seen the X-rays and I'm I'm smart enough to know what they mean. And her body is just broken. And Gracie learned a long time ago that she's not going to be able to get out of this, barring something from Jesus that we're not you know, we're not seeing. And and so she's got to learn to live with it in a healthy manner. But so do I.

And so do you, Vera. And you're going to have to take your hands off of some of this and let it be what it's going to be. And you you she's 31 years old and other than migraines and pain, she's still an adult.

And she's going to have to deal with life as an adult, because if something happens to you, who's she going to text in the middle of the night? Oh, my God. I don't know. That's a good question, isn't it?

And if you stroke out because of the stress of this, who's she going to be, you know, stealing cookies from? Right. Right. Exactly. All right. So part of this is a medical problem.

Part of this is a behavior problem. OK, right. And it's hard to know which one is which, isn't it? It is. Oh, my God.

Yes. And that's why it's a healthy, healthy thing for you to back away from this so that you're not trying to sit there and wrap your hands around the entire thing and figure this out. Because, you know, Vera, correct me if I'm wrong, but did you go to medical school? No, she did.

Well, then why don't you let her work this out with her doctors? Because you didn't. I didn't go to medical school and I had to learn how to get away from these things. OK. And I had to learn to back away and let it be what it's going to be. And sometimes, Vera, you have to bite your tongue and learn to like the taste of blood. And you have to you have to turn your head and let hot tears run down your face.

But you have to turn your head and do it. And she's going to have to she's going to have to make some some tough choices and take control of her own life. Because if something happens to you, Vera.

What's her option? And sometimes with us as caregivers. Now, I'm speaking from experience here, Vera.

OK, I'm not in any way beating on you or shaming on you or anything. I'm just telling you my own experience. Sometimes as caregivers, I know I have. It's very easy to cross that line and become an enabler. And I have been there, done that.

And I've got a T-shirt that says it, you know, and and it's a hard thing. And it's because you get you're you're almost blinded with this desire to recklessly hurl yourself at someone because they're floundering. And it may be OK for her to flounder on her own without you running to the rescue.

Every time, every time. Turn your phone off at night, set boundaries. She's not going to like it, by the way. Then you're going to be able to see the difference because you're going to see some blowback when she doesn't have when she doesn't ring the bell and you come running. You're going to see some blowback and she's going to cry and and blaming you and everything else.

And you're going to have to be strong at that point. But but you have to understand she's going to have to make it or fail on her own merits. And you can point her to the good quality medical care and you can try this thing. That's why I think a psychiatrist may be an appropriate step for her. A licensed mental health counselor of some kind, but preferably a psychiatrist for her because I think she's going to need some M.D. treatment. But in your case, I also think you could benefit greatly from a licensed mental health care professional.

Not just not just somebody who's a life coach or even a pastor at this point, but somebody who's a licensed mental health professional. Keep listening to the show. We've got to take a break. Keep listening.

This is a show for you, Vera. OK. And I want you to call in any time you want. All right. All right. Thank you. And you're a blessed man. Vera, you blessed me this morning.

Thank you so much. This is hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberger.

This is the nation's number one show for the family caregiver. We'll be right back. Have you ever struggled to trust God when lousy things happen to you? I'm Gracie Rosenberger. And in 1983, I experienced a horrific car accident leading to 80 surgeries and both legs amputated. I questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

But over time, my questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God. That understanding, along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs, led me to establish Standing with Hope. For more than a dozen years, we've been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people. On a regular basis, we purchase and ship equipment and supplies.

And with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison, we also recycle parts from donated limbs. All of this is to point others to Christ, the source of my hope and strength. Please visit standingwithhope.com to learn more and participate in lifting others up. That's standingwithhope.com. I'm Gracie, and I am standing with hope.