The Spirit of Communication

The goal of communication is to build something up, not tear something down. So you must raise the question, not only is this the truth, but is this the time for the truth? Dr. Tony Evans says healthy relationships require more than just honesty.

The concern is not do I have the right to say it, but will they hear and understand it? This is The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans, author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, and president of The Urban Alternative. The truth will set us free, but it can also be used as a weapon that hurts the very people we claim to love the most. Today, Dr. Evans tells us how to keep that from happening as he talks about building a healthy spirit of communication.

Let's join him. What do I mean by communication? Better yet, what do I mean by Christian communication?

Because that's the kind we want. And if I were to pick one verse to sum it up, it would be Ephesians chapter 4, verse 15. It says, But speaking the truth in love, we ought to grow up in all aspects unto him who is the head, even Christ. The first thing he said in verse 15 is truth. Let's get something straight about truth. Truth is an absolute standard by which reality is measured. Something is not true simply because you believe it's true.

It's not true simply because you think it's true. As long as truth is measured by how you feel about a matter, it's never the truth unless it is measured about a non-negotiable standard. And of course, from a Christian point of view, the Word of God is to be the point of reference by which we measure truth. When the Bible talks about communication, the word it regularly uses to talk about the subject of communication is the tongue. It keeps referring in the Bible over and over again to the tongue, the tongue being the element through which speech comes. 1 Peter 3.10 says, If you want to be happy, control your tongue. Proverbs 18.21 says, Life and death is in the power of the tongue.

It's talking about the speech. In Job 19.2, he says that the words, words from the tongue can cut you to pieces. And some of us know what it is to be cut to pieces with the tongue or to chop other people up with our tongue. Let me show you what the Bible says about the tongue. Look at James 3, the longest single chapter on speaking, communicating as it relates to the tongue in the Bible. Verse 2. This is deep.

This is deep. James, let me tell you about James. James is the no-nonsense apostle. He's the in-your-face, in-your-grill guy.

He doesn't care whether you like him. He gonna tell it like it is. Verse 2, For we all stumble in many ways. We all have issues. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, that's speech, he is a perfect, that means mature man, able to bridle the whole body as well. Oh, this is deep. He says, If you and I ever learn to control our tongue, we'll be able to control everything else in our lives.

That's what he says. He says, We all stumble in many ways. In other words, all of us have issues we're addressing. He says, If you ever get this issue taken care of, you'll be able to handle anything else wrong in your life. He says, Now I've made the point.

Then he goes on and says, Let me illustrate the point. He says, Now if we put the bits into the horse's mouth so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body, right? You put a bit in the horse's mouth, you tell the whole horse which way to go. In other words, the horse responds with his leg and his backside and its back based on what this little thing is doing in its mouth. In other words, the mouth is controlling everything.

Mouth is controlling everything. A woman one day was with a runaway horse and she was screaming, ah, ah, ah. She's just screaming because the horse is running away, the horse is running away. The wrangler said, Pull back the reins. Screaming did nothing for the horse.

When she controlled its mouth, she didn't have to scream anymore. He goes on and he says, another illustration, verse 4, Look at the ships. Though they are great and driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires. He says, Captain of a boat can steer a whole ship by turning a little rudder.

A little teeny rudder can turn a whole ship around. But his point is talking about the tongue. He says, our speech, our communication, that is the tongue, can control the rest of us.

It can redirect things. So he says, this is not a small area, this is a whopping area controlling... I mean, all of us grew up with mothers that says, Watch your mouth. Watch your mouth. So what God is saying here, from a Christian perspective, is that our speech, our communication, is critical to the rest of us.

To the rest of our well-being or lack thereof. What God, through James, is saying is, Watch out for people who can't control their tongues. Because if they can't control their tongues, they're out of control in other areas. Because the one who can't control his tongue is in fact out of control. The one who can control his tongue can control other areas, he says. Having a tongue is having dynamite in your dentures.

We know it's true because we know how we have brutalized others or been brutalized by others. He goes on. He says in verse 5, So the tongue is a small part of the body, yet it boasts great things.

It says it boasts great things. Reminds me of the story of the frog who needed to go south, but he couldn't go all the way south by hisself. He saw two birds. He says, Can y'all carry me south? He said, No, they told the frog, No, you're too heavy.

We can't carry you south. He said, Well, I have an idea how you can do it. The two birds said, Well, what? They said, I'll take it. Let's grab a stick. You grab one side, I grab the other, the other bird grabs the other, and I put my mouth in the middle.

And then y'all two fly me south. The bird said, Well, that's a decent idea. So the frog got a stick. One bird took it. The other bird took it. He put his mouth in the middle, and they took off. They're flying south. Somebody looked up and saw this frog hanging from the stick between the two birds and said, Wow, that's ingenious.

Who thought of that idea? The frog said, Ahhhh! You open up your mouth the wrong time, you're in bad shape.

Some are just getting that, so I'll wait. He goes further. He says, See how great a forest is set aflame by such a little fire. Do you know one match can set a forest on fire? How a little thing like the tongue can create a blaze. It was October, I believe October the 28th, 1871, Mrs. O'Leary's cow knocked over the lantern. It's called the Chicago fire.

Forty million dollars worth of damage. Three hundred people died because Mrs. O'Leary's cow knocked over a lantern. A small thing can create a forest fire. It can create a flame. Romans 3.13 says, Poison is under the tongue. He says in verse 6 of James, And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity. The tongue is set among our members, our body parts, as that which defiles the entire body. What he says is not to be able to control your communication is to set the rest of you on fire. And sets on fire the course of our lives and is set on fire by hell. For every species of beast and of bird and of reptiles and of creatures of the sea is tamed and has been tamed by the human race, but no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.

How do we know? Verse 9, Because with it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who've been made in the image of God. From the very same mouth comes blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out the same opening fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives or a vine produce figs?

Nor can salt water produce fresh water. He says, you know there is a problem with your tongue when you can praise God on Sunday and curse people on Monday. He says, from the same fountain is coming, hallelujah, praise the Lord, isn't God's grace, and from that same mouth comes you blankety blankety blankety blank. People who have to use profanity to communicate are paper thin. If you're a husband here and you gotta fuss and cuss at your wife and children to get them to function, that is the language of a punk. That's the language of a weak person. Because those same people don't go to their boss and do that.

Those same people, they don't do that in other arenas. But to the people they say they love, they use all that kind of language and stuff, and then they holding up their hands in church. James says, brethren, these things ought not to be.

Ladies, if you're dishonoring your husband or anybody else for that matter with all kind of speech and tearing them down, the Bible says that something is wrong with you. You say, but you don't know what they did, but something is wrong with you if there is no control. The control is you. They may have made you mad, yes. They may have made you upset, yes. But he says the absence of the control in you shows there is a root problem. All they did was give you a setting to show it.

They just gave you a context to reveal there is a rooted flaw. If you feel you could use a little help in developing healthy communication in your home, you're not alone. Dr. Evans will have more advice for us when he continues our teaching in just a moment. But first, today's lesson is taken from his current message compilation, Marriage Matters. This 14-part series takes an in-depth look at God's blueprint for families to help you build better relationships with the most important people in your life.

In it, you learn how to break down communication barriers, rekindle romance, and solve serious problems that may have seemed unbeatable. This is vital information for making your marriage and home a healthy, godly place. So we're offering both volumes of the complete collection as our gift in appreciation for your contribution toward Tony's ministry here on this station and around the world.

As an added bonus, we'll also send you a three-booklet bundle, including the very popular Marriage Matters, for married men only and for married women only. This is a limited-time offer, so visit tonyevans.org right away to get the details and make all the arrangements. Again, that's tonyevans.org. Or let one of our resource team members help you day or night at 1-800-800-3222. That's 1-800-800-3222.

I'll have our contact information for you again after Part 2 of today's message and this. Now, he says we all stumble in many ways. None of us is perfect, and yes, there are going to be those days where you don't hit it just right. But he's talking about the nature of a thing, the character of a thing, what's normative for a thing. He says, Brethren, these things ought not be, that out of the same mouth comes praises and cursing. Go back to Ephesians 4. Great verse in that chapter.

Verse 29. Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. The word unwholesome means unhealthy.

Let no unhealthy word come out of your mouth. That could be anything from profanity to gossiping. Who's a gossip? A gossip is a person who passes on information to tear somebody else down.

He says let no unhealthy word, in other words, words that have no healing attached to it. It's like the husband and wife, they were upset with each other. The husband's driving along, and he sees a mule. He looks over there and says, Hey, there's one of your relatives. She said, I know by marriage. If you hear the way husbands and wives talk to each other, you hear the dishonor and disrespect and unhealthiness.

Unhealthiness. He says speak the word that's appropriate to the moment. He now issues in a time sequence. He says timing must be tied to communication.

He says the word that's appropriate for the moment, because every word is not appropriate for every moment. This may not be the time to say that, because the concern is not do I have the right to say it, but will they hear and understand it? See, because remember, this is to build up.

The word edify means to erect something. The goal of communication is to build something up, not tear something down. So you must raise the question, not only is this the truth, that's a fair question, because we're told to speak the truth, but is this the time for the truth? Are they in a position to receive it, or am I really not interested in communicating?

I'm only interested in venting. He says according to the need at the moment. Timing must be tied to communication, because the goal is to communicate. The goal is for the encoder to get through to the decoder without losing the message in the process.

He says let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but the word that is for edify according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. All of us are familiar with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? You put your mouth over somebody else's mouth.

Why? Because you're trying to impart life into a dying situation. It's a dying situation, and so you put your mouth on their mouth to give life.

The Bible calls the Scripture the word of life. You know what our normal conversation should be? Speaking life into each other. We ought to speak life into each other.

We've all heard words that's made us feel alive, made us feel like, yeah, you can do it. Yeah, it's gonna be all right. Yeah, you messed up that time, but you're better than that. You're better than that. Now I told you, I'm telling you, you're not doing good right now, but I'm speaking life into you.

You are better than that. He says our words ought to be edified, building up, and he says they ought to send grace. Why must you send grace? Because there will be a day you'll need to receive it. See, there is nobody under the sound of my voice that won't need to get from God what you don't deserve.

Here's the principle. Give to your neighbor what you yourself need from God. Now, why is this issue of communication so important?

Let me bring this to a close. Why is this not some side sermon, and why must the spirit of communication engulf our congregation, and engulf all of us, and we all need to improve in this area, from the pulpit to the pew, from the pew to the pulpit, but why is this important? Because of verse 30. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed until the day of redemption.

Guess what? The Holy Spirit is grieved when our talk is not right. Verse 29, let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth. Verse 30, don't make the Holy Spirit grieved or saddened. Why should not we grieve the Holy Spirit? Because he's the one who delivers grace to us. So if you want him to deliver grace to us, you don't want him crying. You don't want him sad.

You don't want him to have been pushed away. He says you want the Holy Spirit joyful and happy inside of you. He says the way you do that is in your communication. God takes our communication seriously. In fact, it is so serious that the Bible says, at the judgment seat of Christ, every careless word will be brought back up. Or to put it another way, you're on tape.

Did you know that? When God plays the tape of your life, he will listen. You and he will be sitting down in your own little cubicle. It's called the judgment seat of Christ.

Okay? Everybody gets a cubicle, and you and the Lord review your life since salvation. And he reviews two things, words and deeds.

That's a little scary proposition, isn't it? That you and Jesus Christ are going to be sitting in your cubicle, and he's going to pull out the CD or the DVD. And he's going to put it in, and it's going to read, this is your life. And he's going to say pause. You see that? Did you hear that? What were you thinking?

What was that about? You say, but I'm not perfect. The Lord knows that. But you should be progressing.

In other words, we ought to be known for tongue management, because we're trying to minister grace. When our communication changes, our relationships change. So many children are messed up today because their mother and father spoke death.

They didn't mean to speak death, but they kept speaking death. You're so dumb. You're so lazy.

You're so ignorant. What you don't understand is words have weight. And people often become what you declare them to be. That's why one of the greatest doctrines in the Bible is God declaring you your new identity in Christ, because you become what you are declared to be.

Because words are weighty. Dr. Evans will come back in a moment to talk about a biblical test that will help you determine when to speak up and when to keep quiet. In the meantime, if you'd like to get a copy of the 14-lesson compilation that includes the full-length version of today's message, the series is called Marriage Matters. And when you make a contribution to help keep Tony's teaching on this station, we'll send you both volumes of this complete set as our thank-you gift.

You can get them on CDs or instantly downloadable MP3s. And right now, we'll also include that popular three-booklet bundle I mentioned earlier, Marriage Matters for Married Men Only and for Married Women Only. This offer won't be around for long, so be sure to contact us right away. All the details are waiting for you at TonyEvans.org. You can also call us any time of the day or night at 1-800-800-3222, where a friendly team member is waiting to help with your resource request.

Again, that's 1-800-800-3222. Throughout history, there are certain things that haven't changed. One of those is that people still need the Lord, today as much as ever. Dr. Evans believes when we share kindness with one another, we are doing both a good thing and a godly thing that helps point those around us to God's kingdom. We encourage you to look for opportunities to be His ambassador through your deliberate acts of kindness each day. The world works overtime to sell us its broken version of sexuality, making it harder than ever to maintain personal morality in the midst of a culture that's rapidly redefining right and wrong.

On Monday, Dr. Evans will offer help as he talks about healthy sexuality from the kingdom perspective. Right now, though, he's back with a final thought about how to tell if we're really speaking the truth with love. So in your relationships, whatever they may be, in our corporate relationship as a community of saints, yes, we are to speak the truth. And sometimes the truth isn't pretty and it's not nice. It's necessary. But always with the attitude is, I want to make something better, not make something worse.

I want to make something healthier, not sicker. I can guarantee you the climate will change when that becomes the normal means of communication. David said it best, let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable unto you, O Lord. To put it another way, Lord, if I say this right now, will you accept it?

That's the question. If I say this right now, will you accept it? If I say this, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm thinking, but if I say it right now, is it acceptable to you? When you can answer yes, it's time to communicate it. The alternative with Dr. Tony Evans is brought to you by The Urban Alternative and is made possible by the generous contributions of listeners like you.