Heaven in the Home

Men are told to study two things, the Bible and their wives.

Why? Both are difficult to interpret. Dr. Tony Evans talks about how men can improve the emotional atmosphere of their home. The husband is the thermostat.

She is the thermometer. Don't expect a summer wife if you bring home winter weather. This is The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans, author, speaker, senior pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Dallas, Texas, and president of The Urban Alternative. Some think it's next to impossible for men to truly understand their wives. But Dr. Evans says when you take your cues from the Bible, you can bring a little heaven into your home.

Let's join him as he explains. The Bible is clear on how the family structure is to work. Remember, the family is God's idea, not man's. And in order for God's idea to work, God's idea must work on His terms, not ours. And so we want to look at the family as Paul explains to the church how heaven is to function in the home. He begins by talking to wives. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is head of the church, He Himself being Savior of the body.

As the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be to their own husbands in everything. Three of the most hated verses in the Bible. Now the reason why this word being subject is so hated is because it is a word that has been so abused. It has been misdefined, redefined, and certainly not biblically defined. And therefore, men have particularly misused this word much to the hatred and detriment of many a Christian wife.

Yet, I do not want to reduce it to less than what it is saying. He clearly says that a woman who is a wife, who is married, who has a husband, is to subject herself, which means to place herself underneath, listen to this, the headship of her husband. Now what you need to know, ladies, is that this chain of command is not related to essence or worth. It is related to function or roles or responsibility. He makes it plain in Ephesians chapter 5 that the husband is the head of the wife. Now, this concept of headship is not a concept of dictatorship. It is not a concept of dominance.

It is not a concept of metas and eugene. It has to do with recognizing the husband role. That's a fundamental principle here of headship. That your husband has been positioned in a role of head, that is, the leader of the home. A husband is to love his wife. A wife is to reverence, respect, submit, honor her husband. But the command of the husband is to love his wife, seek her best interest, even at his own expense. He gives three ways in which a husband is to love his wife. First of all, he is to be his wife's savior. Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, verse 25. What did it cost Christ to love the church? It cost him his life.

So what must you do to love your wife? Die to self. And that's the worst kind of death there is. To give up what is important to you in order to meet the need of another can be a very painful process, sort of like being crucified. But what he is saying is that Jesus Christ gave up his life, which means he left heaven and gave up his prerogatives because he was in heaven. He could have enjoyed all the prerogatives of deity, but he gave up those prerogatives to meet a need. Now, what things do you need to give up that are negotiable? Because there are certain things you shouldn't give up because they're non-negotiable, just like Jesus couldn't give up his deity. What negotiable things can you give up?

Prerogatives that would meet the need of your mate. That is what God has called you to, called me to. Did you know that before Adam could get Eve, he had to bleed?

Remember? God put him to sleep, slid his side open, took out part of his side. In order to get Eve, he had to bleed.

He had to be cut. And so it is, you must decide as a husband, I am going to be a little Jesus. I am going to be a savior, like Christ. Now, man, I don't see anything about you being happy in these verses.

I get this all the time. Well, I'm not happy. Well, who said you were supposed to be? Happiness is not the issue here. A decision of the will is the issue here. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying God wants you miserable, but happiness is not his first concern. You being a little Christ is his first concern, being a savior. Secondly, you're to be your wife's sanctifier, verse 26, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word that he might present to himself, the church, and all of her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and blameless. The word sanctify, man, means it's the progress of spiritual development. That's sanctification.

It means to be set apart for God in a process that takes you from where you are and turns you into what you ought to be. That's what sanctification does. That's what marriage is.

A husband is his wife's sanctifier. When you married your wife, you didn't just marry your wife, you married her history. You married everything that made her who she was up until the time you two met. Most of the stuff she hid from you till after you got married. She's not about to let you see all that stuff, because you might not have married her, okay? You married all this stuff, okay? When you were dating her, you just said, was she pretty, intelligent, wise, just hangs on my every word, just respects me? Well, of course, she wants to get married. You get married. First thing she does is she takes off the makeup.

That's the way we got to get started right there. And you say, oh, okay. Okay?

And after she takes off the makeup, she removes the weave. Now we got more problems. All right?

This little quiet lady now wants to talk all the time. You know, why don't you communicate with me? All right? You didn't have to go through all this. Well, gentlemen, all that was there all the time.

Okay? This woman you married is the sum total of her experiences. You know, good and bad. If she was raised by a domineering mother, some of that rubbed off on her. If she was raised by an insensitive father, some of that rubbed off on her.

Why? Because women have been built with an emotional magnet that picks up a lot of that. And while men pick up things too, the job of the husband, unlike the wife, is to be the sanctifier. So she brings all that into the marriage and you find out, particularly the first year, that's why the first year is so rough, that you got into more than you bargained for. It is now time for the sanctifier to step up to the plate. And your job as sanctifier is to say, okay, this is what my wife is like. Let's say she has these 20 characteristics. Let's say 10 of them are really not how she is to be as a Christian wife and mother.

The question on the floor now is, not get rid of her because she hasn't met your qualifications, the question on the floor is, what must the sanctifier do to sanctify the one needing sanctification? Because the husband is the sanctifier of the wife. Christ cares for us in our imperfections. And men, what Christ is letting us see and what we have to go through with our wives is what He has to go through with us. And we have a lot to be desired as far as Jesus is concerned. But He does not divorce us because we keep messing up.

He keeps the process of sanctification going. Yes, it's tiring. Yes, it's difficult.

Yes, it can be traumatic. But so are a lot of things in life that are your responsibility. It is a responsibility because He wants you to be like Christ.

And yes, it can be a riveting shock to go into all of the realities of marriage. But that's why you're sanctified, which means if you're not growing and being sanctified by Christ yourself, you're not going to have the strength to be the sanctifier. That's why the husband must be the spiritual head in terms of spiritual growth so that he has something that he can pass on. So the husband is to be the sanctifier. Then thirdly, the husband is to be the satisfier of his wife, the satisfier of his wife. Verse 28, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. No one ever hates his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. The satisfier.

We are the ones who take the lead in the meeting of needs. To put it in simple terms, what Paul is saying is whatever you do for you, make sure you do for her because she is an extension of you. In fact, what he is saying is when you do it for her, you've done it for you.

Show that. Listen to me now, men. When you don't do for her that which meets her need, you have denied yourself something from God. Did you?

I don't know if you heard that. When you deny her her needs, you've denied yourself your needs. Because when God looks at the two of you, he doesn't see two anymore. He sees one. Now that's why I was talking about these two different checkbooks and all this division that's happening in all these homes, going in two different directions, that's chaos. Because you're not pulling toward one flesh.

You're pulling away, and whenever you tear your flesh, that's painful. The Bible says that the man who does not meet the needs of his wife, his prayers are hindered. 1 Peter 3.7, which means God won't bless you apart from her because he only sees one thing now. He doesn't see two things.

He sees one thing. So if you're not meeting the legitimate needs, I'm talking about legitimate needs of your wife through love, then you are denying yourself God. So you say, I've been praying about this thing for a long time and God hasn't answered yet. Well, the question on the floor is, how are you taking care of your needs of the other part of your flesh, because that is you. Dr. Evans will come back with some practical advice on how to start meeting those needs when he returns shortly to continue this message from his Marriage Matters series. It's a 14-lesson look at God's blueprint for marriages and families and will help you understand and get serious about the role God has designed for you as a husband or wife, leading to a godly marriage that's both thriving and fulfilling. We're making the complete two-volume collection of this material available to you as our gift in appreciation for your contribution toward keeping Tony's ministry coming to you and others here on this station. And as a special bonus, but only for a limited time, we'll also include copies of Tony's companion three-booklet bundle, Marriage Matters for Married Men Only and for Married Women Only. To get this complete package sent your way, visit tonyevans.org to make your resource request and donation. Or, if more convenient, call us at 1-800-800-3222, where team members are ready to assist you with your request.

Again, that's 1-800-800-3222 or online at tonyevans.org. Well, Tony, welcome back with more of today's lesson right after this. evidence God's creative power like the stunning wilderness of coastal Alaska. And now you can experience it with us. Join Tony Evans and other friends of the ministry as together we discover the glory of God's spectacular creation on an unforgettable Alaskan cruise. Set sail with us to take in the splendor of God's creation along with the wonders of His Word. We'll enjoy great teaching from Dr. Tony Evans and other gifted instructors as well as life-changing worship and special musical performances. This spiritually uplifting cruise will give us time to relax, refresh, and refocus as we take a journey through Scripture while surrounded by the awesome creation that is Alaska. Find out more about the Urban Alternative Alaskan Cruise at tonyevans.org today. A lot of men romance their wives to get them.

Haven't been on a date since the honeymoon. Reminds me of one lady and her husband. It was a tornado coming through town. They were laying in bed and the tornado whipped the roof off the house. They had been married for a number of years and whipped the bed up out of the house and it went spiraling in the tornado. And she was laughing and crying all at the same time.

He can't figure this with the bed spinning around in the tornado. Why in the world is she laughing and crying at the same time? She said, "'Cause I'm just so happy." I said, why are you happy? We're in this tornado.

She said, it's the first time we've been out together in 13 years. And for some of you guys, it's going to take a tornado to get you to meet your responsibility. And God is a good tornado whipper-upper. All right? Most men date to marry when in the Bible you marry to date. Every wife who's been out on a date in the last month, raise your hand. I'm talking about a date where he planned it, not where you said, let's do something. All right?

Number of hands just went down. That is not a date. You didn't go up to your wife and say to her, when you were trying to win her, you want to do something? What do you want to do? What kind of romancing is that? She can do something on her own.

You went up to her and said, I'd like to get your number. I'd like to take you out. Where are we going? Oh, you just be ready. Papa got it all under control.

In other words, you took the initiative to meet the need. Didn't want to put the phone down. Oh, I got to go.

Oh, don't go. Well, we don't have anything to talk about. I just want to know you on the other side of the line, baby. Just be talking. Be rapping. Talking about nothing. Just talking.

You know why? Because you had a goal in mind. Well, in a relationship, you have to keep that goal in mind, and it's more work after marriage. And it's tougher because you've got to work through all the other things, kids and schedules and all that. We are supposed to meet the needs of our wives, which means we have to study our wives. In fact, men are told to study two things, the Bible and their wives.

Why? Both are difficult to interpret. A man is to be his wife's satisfier. The husband is the thermostat. She is the thermometer.

Don't expect a summer wife if you bring home winter weather. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the commandment, with promise that it may go well with you, that you may live long on the earth. Children are called to obedience.

He gives reasons for this. First of all, because you're Christian children. You're in the Lord. So it's the Christian approach. Secondly, because it is right. It is the order of things. It is the natural order for children to obey their parents. Thirdly, it is a command to honor, love, respect. Verse 2, honor your father and your mother. That involves obedience, but it also involves love and care of children toward parents.

There used to be a time when a child would talk to an adult and always there would be a handle on the name, Mr. or Mrs., aunt or uncle, not, hey, Joe or John. It meant honor. Israelites who disrespected their parents could lose their lives. The other thing is that it brings blessing.

He says in verse 3, that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Children who honor, love, respect, reverence, and care for their parents are blessed with a better quality of life and a better quantity of life, quantity and quality. So when a child relates properly to his parents, God is free to work properly with that child.

If you, even as an adult, if you're not living under their house, then you don't have to obey their rules, but you still have to honor their position. Yeah, but you don't know what my father did to me. Well, he did something right.

You're here. You must still honor his position even if you don't like his person. I don't like my mother. I don't like my father.

That's fine. We're not talking about liking them. We're talking about honoring them. You must honor them or hold them up in high esteem because of who they are. Fourthly, the role of parents, verse 4. Fathers, why?

Because he's the governmental head of the home. Doesn't exclude mothers. He's just talking to the head because in Rome fathers were everything. He says, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. The concept here is to not put your kids in a position where you are unnecessarily bringing them pain and anguish.

To not put your children in a position where you're hurting them when you shouldn't be. Don't provoke them. Don't tick them off to tick them off.

They are sensitive. They are developing. So there's enough in a child's life that you have to deal with that needs dealing with. Don't create stuff. Don't create problems for your children. Unrealistic expectations. Wanting them to do what you didn't do when you were growing up and they become the fulfillment of your dreams rather than God's will for them. Criticism can provoke them to anger because it's constant, never affirmation.

Rather, bring them up. That's the word for nurturing. Nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Now this doesn't mean Bible studies eight hours a day, seven days a week. It means raise them in a Christian environment that involves instruction and discipline.

Deuteronomy 6 brings it out. It says teach them along the way. Why are you walking? Why are you talking?

Why are you watching television? So you can be teaching all the time even when you're not formally in Bible study. So it's an environment of nurture, an environment of development and growth for the child. That involves discipline. What is discipline? Breaking your child's will without damaging their spirit. That's discipline.

You have to control the will. They say yes and you say no, they need to know who's in charge here. And we have too many kids running too many households. They don't tell you when they're coming in.

You tell them when you want them in and the consequences for not doing it. If too many children run too many households like the lady who went to the grocery store and her daughter was acting up and she said, Suzanne, settle down. I'm not gonna have you losing it in this store. Suzanne, control yourself. The proprietor was very impressed seeing somebody doing this kind of discipline and he got down on his knee to the little girl and said, boy, you have such a wonderful mother so your name is Suzanne. The mother said, no, my name is Suzanne.

She's better. Mother's trying to control herself. That's what some of our kids are doing.

They're making us control us. Genesis 18, 19 puts it so well. God says He wanted to bring a blessing to Abraham's house but before He could do that, He had to train His children in the ways of God, discipline them so He could bring about what God had planned for Him. Dr. Tony Evans, talking about ways both husbands and wives can make their home reflect heaven. In fact, our message today is called Heaven in the Home. And if you'd like to get a full-length copy to review on your own or to pass along to a friend, I want you to know it's available as a part of Tony's current series, Marriage Matters.

It's full of practical things you can do to take your marriage more seriously, build love and respect, communicate more effectively, overcome problems you thought were unbeatable, and much more. As I mentioned earlier, for a limited time, we're making a special package available that includes all 14 messages in this two-volume collection, along with the three-booklet bundle that includes For Married Men Only, For Married Women Only, and the companion work that ties them together, Marriage Matters. You can get them all as our gift when you help keep Tony's teaching on this station by visiting tonyevans.org and making a contribution in support of the ministry. Again, that's at tonyevans.org, or call us at 1-800-800-3222. Our resource center is open 24-7, so call any time of the day or night.

That's 1-800-800-3222. Today we've been talking about heaven in the home, creating an atmosphere of love and respect there. Well, our society could use some of that same help. Dr. Evans believes we're in desperate need of reclaiming civility in our culture in order to create a peaceful environment where we can live, work, and raise our kids. He encourages each of us, at least once a week, to find a deliberate deed of kindness we can do for a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or someone we came across who has a need. We can alter the atmosphere of our culture for good and for God when we demonstrate kindness. Well, coming up tomorrow, the truth will set us free, but it can also be used as a weapon that hurts the very people we claim to love the most. Dr. Evans will tell us how to keep that from happening as he talks about building a healthy spirit of communication. Be sure to join us for that. The Alternative with Dr. Tony Evans is brought to you by The Urban Alternative and is made possible by the generous contributions of listeners like you.