Father's Day-What Kind of Dad Will Your Children Remember?

You know, a few years ago I was flying to a pastors conference and I was listening to one of the music channels on the airplane. And the narrator, a fellow named John Brainy, told a true story that caught my attention. He told about an incident a few years ago where he was holding auditions in Los Angeles.

And into his studio walked this middle-aged man named Mr. Warren. Mr. Warren said to him, he said, my 12-year-old daughter, all she wants to do is write music. And Mr. Warren said, I've listened to her music and frankly I think it's kind of good, but I'm her father, you know. And so he said, what I want from you, John Brainy, is I want you to tell me whether or not my daughter has any real talent. Because if she does, I want to stand by her and help her become successful.

And if she doesn't, I want her to move on and find something else to do with her life. Well, his daughter did have talent and her father did stick with her. And today, Diane Warren is one of the most talented and prolific songwriters in all of pop music.

She's been nominated for four Golden Globes, six Oscars, nine Grammys and a host of other awards. And so this narrator, John Brainy, on the music channel, on the airplane, goes on to tell how in 1995 Diane Warren wrote a song dedicated to her dad. Which not only became the number one song in America, but also won her a Grammy in 1996.

And then they proceeded to play on the airplane this song. I want you to listen to part of Diane Warren's song for her father, sung by Celine Dion. You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the place that was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith cause you believed I'm everything I am because you love me So I'm sitting at thirty two thousand feet listening to this song and weeping. I don't mean just a couple of teary eyes. I mean, I'm bawling like a baby. I've got tears running down my face, dripping off my chin. I'm taking my sleeve and I'm sniveling and trying to dry my eyes. And the guy sitting next to me on the plane looks at me like I've completely lost my mind.

I was making a total and utter fool out of myself on this airplane. Anyway, when I finally pulled myself together, I started to wonder about something. I started to wonder, what if my boys were ever to compose a song about me? What would I want my boys to say?

What would I want them to write into that song? And I think this is something, gentlemen, if you're a father, if you're a grandfather, if you're a future father, that we need to think about. Because I believe having a clear picture of what kind of father we want to be provides structure and definition to our fathering. As dads, it gives us a goal to aim at.

And as we all know, aim at nothing, hit nothing. And so on this airplane, I wrote down ten things that I'd like to be in a song about me if my children ever wrote it. And back in 2007 on Father's Day, I shared with you three of them. If you missed that message, I encourage you to go out to our bookstore and get the CD or to go on any of our websites.

It's on the home page and listen. But today, what I want to do is I want to come back in Father's Day 2010 and share four more things off of that list with you. And I hope that as I share some of my list with you, that it will form a catalyst to get you, gentlemen, to think about some things that you want to be on your list. So here we go.

Number one, as a dad, I want my children to remember me as a dad who loved them unconditionally. You know, I've been a pastor now for over 30 years and I've counseled with hundreds of people. I think I've heard almost every kind of problem there is to hear. And after listening to all of this, I've come to believe that the number one cause of human dysfunctionality is conditional love. You say, what do you mean by that? Well, conditional love means when we perform correctly, we get loved. And when we perform incorrectly, we get rejected. And all of us as dads are prone to do this. You know, our child hits a home run in the game and on the way home we buy them ice cream.

They strike out three times in the game and it's a very quiet car ride going home. We do this with grades. We do it with piano recitals. We do it with the way our children dress. We do it with the careers our children choose. And I thought often, why as dads do we do this? Well, it seems to me so often it's because we have plans for our children. We have dreams for our children.

We have goals for our children to be a doctor, to be a lawyer, to be a varsity athlete, to be a cheerleader, to make the best grades and to go to the best colleges. And we as dads take it as a personal reflection on us if our child fails to achieve these goals. In other words, so often as dads, our sinful egos keep us from giving our children the unconditional love that they so desperately need. But you know, a truly effective dad with the help of God rises above this because he understands the power of unconditional love in the life of his child. When I think about this, I think about the father of the prodigal son in Luke chapter 15.

Let me remind you of the story. The prodigal son takes all of his inheritance and he leaves home. He goes off and he lives la vida loca, if you don't understand what I'm saying. He blows all of the money. He squanders the family fortune. He disgraces the family name. And then in absolute poverty and repentance he turns and he trudges back home.

Luke 15 verse 20. But while the boy was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him and ran to his son and threw his arms around his son and kissed his son. Folks, what was the message? This father was trying to send to that boy. He was trying to send a message that said, Son, you can't mess up bad enough for me to stop loving you. And this is the way godly dads love their children. A godly dad may not like their child's choice of clothes or hairstyle or music or friends or politics or career.

But a godly dad places no conditions at all on their love for that child. And this is how I want my children to remember me. I want my son Justin, who as a teenager wrecked four cars in one year. I want him to remember that as I was paying the bills at the body repair shop, it didn't affect my love for him. One iota. And I want my son Jamie, who on a retreat when he was nine years old accidentally threw away his retainer, his very expensive retainer, forcing me to crawl through an industrial sized trash bag full of French dressing and chocolate pudding and slimy coleslaw and cold pizza on my hands and knees looking for it. I want him to remember that even when I was down on my hands and knees completely inside that trash bag, up to my elbows in muck, that it never changed my love for him.

One iota. And by the way, I found it. Praise the Lord. And I want my son John, who was a college baseball player I was out throwing in batting practice one day, when he hit me in the chest with this line drive that was hit so hard it knocked me literally off my feet and almost unconscious. And then as I was lying there on the ground and he ran out once he was sure I was still alive, standing above me, he began to tell me this was all my fault for drifting out from behind the L screen. Don't blame it on him. I want that boy to remember that as I was pulling myself up slowly from the ground, it did not change my love for him.

One iota. Listen men, if we can never give our child a room of their own or a car of their own, if we can never give them all the clothes they want or if we can't afford to send them to the college they really want to go to, they probably will be fine without all of that so long as we give them the one thing they need the most from us, namely our unconditional love and acceptance. Number two.

Alright, number two. I want my children to remember me as a dad who loved them enough to discipline them. Years ago my middle son Justin was playing Little League, he was about 11. And Brendan and I went to the game, we were sitting on the bleachers on the third base side near his team. And Justin's team was out in the field and there was a little boy playing third base about, I don't know, 15 feet in front of the bleachers there where we were sitting and he was having a rough day.

Brendan and I were sitting on the bleachers having our dinner, you know, crepe de la Big Mac, you know, our dinner. And the mother of this child was sitting right near us and she was yelling encouragement to this little boy out on the field, just right in front of her, telling him that she loved him and he was doing okay and he could do it, just trying to encourage him and this little kid turns to her from third base and says, oh, shut up. Couldn't believe it.

I almost choked on my two all-beef patties, you understand what I'm saying? And the mother said to him, you just wait till your father gets here. And I was pretty excited about that myself, to tell you the truth. And so this dad drives up and he walks over and he comes to the bleachers and he sits beside his wife and his wife proceeds to tell him everything that just happened and all of us on the bleachers, you know, we were trying to pretend like we weren't listening, you know. And all of a sudden this dad says to the mom, he says, hey, don't make such a big deal out of it, okay?

I couldn't believe it. And I thought to myself, you're going to let this child tell his mother to shut up in front of all of these people and you're going to do nothing about it. You are either a coward or a fool or both. Listen, gentlemen, the Bible makes it clear that a good father has to be a confrontational father. Proverbs 23 verse 13 says, do not withhold discipline from your child, even though you punish him with the rod, he shall not die.

Now he may sound like he's dying and she may want you to think that she's dying, but ain't nobody dying, friends. Proverbs 23 verse 14, if you punish them with the rod, you will save their soul from death. Proverbs 22 verse 15, foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it far from them. Proverbs 29 verse 15, the rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself, like that little kid playing third base, disgraces his mother. So let's ask the question, why don't more fathers discipline their children? Well, the answer is, friends, because it's exhausting.

The answer is because it's stressful and it's intense. The answer is because it demands courage and it demands fortitude and it demands perseverance and a lot of dads just are not willing to pay that price. It's interesting that the Bible is full of examples of fathers who failed their children not because they didn't love them, but because they weren't willing to pay the price to confront them and correct them. King David, for example, was a man after God's own heart, the Bible says, but he was a lousy father. He had among his other sons, a son named Adonijah, who actually mutinied against his very own father and tried to steal the throne away from his dad when his dad was on his deathbed. Look what the Bible says about David's relationship to this boy. 1 Kings 1, 6, it says, David, his father, had never crossed him at any time by asking, why, Adonijah, do you behave the way you do? You say, well, Lon, no wonder this child grew up to be a problem.

Exactly. I want my children to remember me as a dad who loved them enough that I was willing to pay the price in time, in energy, in effort, in exhaustion, in courage, in fortitude and in perseverance to confront them and to correct them and to hold them accountable for their ungodly behavior. I want them to remember me as a dad who wasn't afraid to get in their faces and say, not in this house, you don't. Not in this family, you don't.

And not in this universe, you don't. Number three, I want my children, number three, to remember me as a dad who helped them achieve their God-given destinies. You know, in Psalm 37, verse 4, the Bible says, delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. In other words, the Bible says, when we are delighting ourselves in the Lord, God puts certain desires in our heart that fit with, that direct us into His perfect plan for our life. Philippians chapter 2, verse 13, in the Phillips translation, I really like it says, for it is God who is at work in you, giving you the desire and the power to achieve His purpose. See, I believe that God has a definite, specific plan, a destiny for each one of my children.

And I believe that God reveals that destiny, at least in part, by the desires that He plants in their heart. Which means that as a father, I need to be listening to the desires in my children's hearts, to their dreams and their hopes and their passions. And I need to be praying with them about these desires and as those dreams in their heart begin to take form and take direction, I need to come alongside my children the way Diane Warren's father came alongside her. And I need to do as a father everything in my power to help my children achieve that destiny. This may mean getting them music lessons, it may mean getting them dance lessons, it may mean getting them sports lessons, it may mean getting them computer lessons, it may mean helping them get into the right camps and the right seminars and the right schools, and the right colleges, and having the right internships. it may mean helping to pay for medical school or law school or graduate school or technical school it means being their greatest advocate and being their greatest cheerleader and believing in them when they are not even sure they believe in themselves but because I believe in them they begin to believe in themselves but man this presupposes that his dad's we are emotionally in touch with our children it means that we're spending time with our children and we're talking with our children and we're listening to our children's dreams believe me man your children want to tell you their dreams they want to tell you who they are they want to tell you what they're hoping for the future it's not that they don't want to tell us man it's just that most of the time we're not asking and we're not interested in listening so I want to challenge us as man take your child out once a week for breakfast my boys and I when they were younger we had a standing appointment I would take them to breakfast take your children putt-putting or or or have a night out once a week or once every other week with dad go to dinner in a movie or go out for ice cream or go to a ballgame together and when you do these things ask about them ask them to talk about them and listen as they talk about themselves number four and finally I want my children to remember me as a dad who let them really know who I was you know it's interesting that Reba McEntire also wrote a song about her dad it's a very different song than the song Diane Warren wrote about her father the title of Reba song was the greatest man I never knew here's some of the lyrics she said the greatest man I never knew lived just down the hall and every day we'd say hello but never touched at all he was in his paper I was in my room how was I to know that he thought I hung the moon then the days turn into years and the memories to black and white he grew cold like those old winter winds blowing across my life the greatest words I never heard guess I'll never hear the man I thought could never die has been dead almost a year and he was good at business but there was business left to do he never said he loved me guess he thought I knew you know this is exactly how I feel about my dad my dad never talked too much about himself never let me into his life never once told me that I can remember that he loved me never shared with me any of his dreams any of his hurts any of his victories any of the past experiences of his life basically my dad came and went and left me virtually nothing of himself he was the greatest man I never knew and when I came to Christ 40 years ago I made an oath before the Lord Jesus Christ that with his help and with his grace I was not going to do this to my children and over the last 33 years of my children's lives I have tried to be like Sam in the movie Avalon if you haven't seen it you owe it to yourself to see it Sam would sit down with his grandchildren and he would tell them the same stories over and over and over again about his life his wife would come up to him and say Sam Sam Sam already it's the same stories you've told over and over and over again Sam completely ignored her because he was a wise man he understood something he understood that he was giving those grandchildren the greatest gift he could ever give them he was giving them himself and I do the same thing I tell stories I've told before and Brenda says to me Lon you already told that story and I go what difference does it make I'm enjoying telling it and they're enjoying listening so what difference does it make and I tell my children stories about my success and about my failure I try to tell my children stories about my life and Brenda's before they were even in the pipeline I try to tell my children's stories about my parents and my growing up experiences that shaped me into what I am today I try to tell them stories about what the Lord has done for me over the 40 years that I walk with him and as a matter of fact I'm even writing a biography of myself because I don't have enough time left to tell them all the stories in person now I don't plan to publish it and I don't plan to sell it in fact I only plan to print three copies and give them away to each of my boys because I want them to have me after I'm gone which I don't have in the case of my dad and I'm sad about that it's tragic gentlemen when was the last time you let your children into your life when was the last time that you talk to your children about you when was the last time you shared your experiences in high school and in college in the military or as a young adult when was the last time you talked to them about what your mom and dad were like what your grandparents were like when was the last time you talked with them about your feelings and your regrets in life about your mistakes about the dreams you had about the successes you've had about some funny stories out of your life my question is gentlemen if you were to die tonight would your children know enough about you to even compose an intelligent eulogy I urge you men don't do to your children what my dad did to me give your children the greatest gift that any father can give his children give them yourself it's a gift they will treasure the rest of their lives slow down man be intentional take the time so that you're not the greatest man that your children never knew well at summarize four things I want my children to remember about me number one I want them to remember me as a dad who loved them unconditionally number two as a dad who loved them enough to discipline them number three as a dad who helped them achieve their god-given destinies and number four as a dad who let them know who I really was and if you're a father here today or grandfather here today or a future father here today I want to challenge you to leave this very same legacy to your children but gentlemen look here this will not happen by accident this takes intentionality we must be deliberate about this and men we only get one run at this we only get one chance if you hit a bad golf ball you can tee another one up if you buy a bad stock you can sell it and go buy another one if you buy a lemon for an automobile you can get rid of it and buy a new car but gentlemen we only get one run at being a father and so I want to challenge us here as fathers and grandfathers and future fathers to rise up above our selfishness and to rise up above our self-centeredness and to rise up above our laziness and to rise up above our lack of discipline and to invest ourselves in our children in such a way that when they grow up if they were to write a song about you you would be filled with tears of gratitude and not filled with tears of regret and remorse that's the goal fellas let me say in closing that I don't care what kind of father you've been up to this point it's never too late to change it's never too late to begin to be a different kind of father yeah you might have to go back and apologize to your children well be a man enough to do that you might have to go back and ask your children for forgiveness for mistakes you made omissions you had okay then do it believe me there is not a child I know who if their father came to them hat in hand saying I was wrong I messed up I blew it I let you down I need your forgiveness can we try it again can we do it differently can we start over there is not a child in the world I know of who would not respond to a father coming to them like that so gentlemen doesn't matter what you've done to this point it's never too late to do it differently may God help us let's pray Lord Jesus being a dad is tough for all the reasons we've talked about today and yet Lord Jesus it is the most gratifying job in the universe when we do it the way you tell us to and so father I want to pray for us men myself and all of us here that you would give us the courage the discipline the passion the tenacity Lord that you would give us the vision to be the kind of dads that you want us to be and if some of us need to go back and repair some damage give us the courage to do that Lord help us to be the kind of dads that when our children write a song about us we will tear up with eyes of gratitude for the grace of God that helped us do it instead of being teared up and choked up with tears of remorse Lord speak to us deeply today help us change the very way we live as fathers because we sat under the teaching of the eternal Word of God today and we pray these things in Jesus name what did God's people say what'd you say amen you