Red Flags You Probably Missed "“ 1 of 2

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. No doubt about it, marriage is in trouble. Even with the best of intentions, many mess up what should be a wonderful lifetime partnership. Sometimes we marry despite clear signals that the match was not ideal. Today, the first in a series on solving the marriage puzzle with some red flags you probably missed.

From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, as one man with an incredibly long marriage, I think all of us would look to you as an expert in making marriage work. Well Dave, that brings a smile to my face, because no matter how long we've been married, there's still so much more to learn. Now, my lovely wife Rebecca and I have been married for more than 50 years. And during those 50 years, we've encountered our own struggles, but at the same time, continue to love, to be committed to one another.

And you know, even as we grow older, we appreciate one another more and more. But this series of messages is very critical. As a matter of fact, as you implied Dave, the first message has to do with red flags. I preach this message because over a period of time, I asked people who did not seem to be very well adjusted in their marriage if there were some red flags that they overlooked during their courting days.

What I learned was very interesting. And that's why I want you to listen to this series of messages. But more than that, I want you to get on the phone and call other people and tell them that they should listen to the marriage puzzle. I think it's going to be of tremendous help, a great deal of insight. And at the end of the day, always remember that we need God for our marriages and our families.

Now let's listen carefully. Today I begin a series of messages entitled the marriage puzzle, why commitment can do what love can't. Today we are besieged by a lot of information about marriage. We have books and seminars and sermons. And by God's grace, what I would like this series of messages to do is to be absolutely transforming. And I know that in order to do that, the messages aren't going to do it. Only the Holy Spirit can do that.

And unless you and I are open to what the Spirit of God would want to say to us, these messages might be considered to be interesting, informative, but not transforming. And I aim by the Spirit I trust at the transformation of marriages. By God's grace, I'd like to see bad marriages become good and good marriages become better. Now for that there's going to be a price to pay in terms of honesty and dealing with issues that have been shoved under the rug in some marriages for years. Many people, many marriages are like windshield wipers on a car. One does one thing, the other does another, and they never really connect.

They know exactly what buttons not to push and how they can avoid one another in the emotional and difficult thing called life. We hope to overcome that. And if you're here today and you are single, I have to emphasize to you that you need to listen because the principles that we are going to be talking about will help you to understand your family, especially should you be married someday. But in addition to that, issues that all of us face, married or single. For example, the next message in the series is titled Putting Your Past Behind You.

How do you finally deal with the past in the marriage relationship or the single relationship as well? If there's one verse of scripture that is kind of the basis of today's message, it is found in the book of Proverbs where it says this, that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. What a verse that is.

And we're going to be looking at other Proverbs in a moment. But do you understand now what I mean when I say that only the Holy Spirit can do what we want to have done, that the message can't do it because many of you have heard many different things and you and I know much better than we live. So who can change us?

Wives can't change husbands, husbands can't change wives. Let's let God do it. Would you join me one more time in prayer and in this prayer, open your heart to what the Holy Spirit is going to tell you in the quietness of your soul and grant, oh God, the courage for us to do whatever you show us for those couples, father who are struggling, who already know in advance issues that they cannot address.

Would you break it all down and help us and bring about marriages that honor you in our selfishness and self-absorption? May we, as a result of these messages, deeply repent and seek only your glory in Jesus name. Amen. Amen.

I hope you prayed that prayer. The basis for this message grew out of an observation I made. I don't do much marriage counseling. I don't consider myself a marriage counselor, but as a pastor, I've talked to many couples and tried to help them along the bumps of their marriage. And one of the things I often ask, especially where you have people who are so mismatched or they have such huge problems is, was there anything in your dating relationship that should have alerted you to this situation and you should have known that this person was going to turn out this way?

Almost invariably, sometimes not, and we'll discuss that, but almost invariably I'd hear someone say something like this, well, yeah, in retrospect. And then they filled in the blank and I thought to myself, now, why aren't we wise enough to learn from those who've had this experience and let us look at some danger flags, red flags that they should have picked up on and should have possibly known that they were headed for disaster. And so this summer at two different Bible conferences, I asked people to write me letters about their experience and the red flag that they missed or more accurately, the red flag that they ignored. So this message is going to be a little bit different. We're going to be plunging into God's word in a few moments.

But before we do that, I'd like to just read some of these letters because we can learn from the past and we will see that what we learn can come right out of God's most holy word. I'm going to begin with the narcissist. Narcissus, you remember, according to legend was so enamored by his own image that as he looked into the pool and saw his reflection, he eventually drowned just looking at himself.

The narcissist is the kind of person who would wear a t-shirt that says, if you just worship me, we'll get along fine. That's the narcissist. Now, all of us are narcissists. We're all self-absorbed. I'm self-absorbed. You're self-absorbed.

We're trying to move to God absorption, but we are doing it slowly. But the narcissist, the true narcissist, the real genuine article is really a piece of work. And I could tell you much about narcissists having done some counseling and seen them. But here's a letter. I thought I married Mr. Right, but I didn't know that his first name was always. By the way, when you get somebody whose name is always right, he usually marries a woman who wants to change that first name to never.

You can already see sparks flying from here to Milwaukee. Thank you. During the days we dated, he never apologized for anything. If we had a disagreement or something went wrong, always my fault.

My opinion didn't count for much. He will not discuss any viewpoint, but his own. This self-absorption made me feel very lonely and rejected. We have two children who really feel disconnected from their father because he took no interest in them. All that mattered was his schedule, his work and his friends. We can't really talk about anything that is important to both of us because he doesn't communicate. We live in the same house, but we don't have a home.

How many people could testify to that? Red flag. I saw in the dating relationship that he only cared about me for selfish reasons. Even back then I knew he really didn't care about me as a person.

Well, let me read another letter, and this one is not only self-absorption, but it's also sensuality, which is a separate category. I got pregnant soon after we met. My husband insisted that I have an abortion, so he took me to the clinic. He showed me no sympathy or emotion. A few months after that, we were married and later we had children.

A few years later, I accepted that Christ is my savior, and now I became convicted of the sin of aborting my baby. My husband's response was, well, it's over and done. You can't do anything about it. Forget it. Move on. This insensitivity killed my feelings for him, and in anger to get back at him, I had an affair with his best friend.

That was 15 years ago. Today we're committed to each other and we're working on our relationship, but there are many bumps along the way. What is the red flag? Oh, listen to this. During our premarital relationship, I could see that my husband-to-be was more interested in my body than he was in me as a person. He cared about what he wanted, not about what I wanted, and he showed no sympathy toward my hurt and pain. Couple of comments.

I have to pause here. You see, a narcissist also is not only self-absorbed. He has really no feeling for other people. He feels his own hurt very keenly, but he can't feel the hurt of other people.

You take this far enough and you get a sociopath who can do evil and have no sense of conviction or guilt about it. Also, notice my husband was more interested in my body than he was a person. Fall in love with a body, young people, and the body will deteriorate.

Fall in love with a person, and the person will grow and develop, and you'll have a lifetime of relationship. I know I don't have time for all of these. We're not even going to look at all of the red flags. Too many, and I'll be dropping those in in the other messages that I'm going to preach on this series. But I do need to read this one.

It's the sensual person. I was 20 years old, a virgin, naive parents who were old enough to be my grandparents. They never talked to me about anything, gave me no guidelines about whom to marry. I feel sorry for young women like that. He was more worldly than I was, but what was I to do?

I didn't know. I just assumed that that's how all men are. Listen, I assumed that his intense pursuits of me must be love. Don't ever make that assumption. Many young men pursue a young woman, and they say, I love you, and what they really mean is, I love myself.

I want you. Within the first months of dating, he introduced me to pornography, etc. His mother told my mother, Karen did well to get our son. She thought her son was great, but his father, who knew better, whispered to me, this is the song Kenny sings, me, me, me, me, I, I, I, I. Before we married, my pastor warned me and even wrote us a six page letter, but I disregarded it. It fell on deaf ears. During our honeymoon, he brought the final draft of his thesis along and worked on it.

So I was alone, especially during the day. Needless to say, after we were married, I always wondered, etc., etc., about whether or not she was enough for him, etc., etc. Well, they're divorced now. My ex-husband has married a younger woman who has all the credentials of worldliness he has. She has a 10 year old son. She's bringing it into the marriage.

The 10 year old is struggling to have my ex-husband as his father. What a mess. But I, I, I, me, me, me, me. What does the Bible say? What does the Bible say about the sensualist? Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord and he ponders all of his paths.

The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him and he is held fast by the cords of his sin. The narcissist teaches us something. He teaches us that you should never marry unless you are willing to put the needs of someone else above your own. I forgot to read the passages of scripture that pertain to narcissism. And for lack of time, I won't, but the Bible is filled. The book of Proverbs is filled with examples of the narcissist. In fact, all quoted to you, 18 chapter 18 verse two of Proverbs says the proud man is not interested in understanding.

He's only interested in expressing his own opinion. There you have the narcissist, but the sensual person tells us this. Don't get married if you are held by the cords of sin. If you have an addiction, no matter how well hidden it is, don't marry. Well, what was the red flag she missed? I forgot to read that also.

I'm hurrying today and I need to take my time. She said, I knew that he struggled with pornography, but I thought he'd get over it when we were married. I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. She says, what about Mr. Anger? I learned from someone that angry people can sometimes be charmers, but listen to this letter.

I married a man who was deeply angry and bitter during our courtship. He was able to hide it. He was Mr. Nice. I noticed his cynicism, but thought I could live with it. There were moments when he was very charming and very affirming.

In fact, I know a situation where a man was so nice doing work for other people. He was the kind of person that all the other women in the church wish they had married and he was an abuser. I did not know that this was a cover for some deep seated anger and abuse. Little did I know that charmers can often be abusers.

What red flag did I miss? Well, during our courtship, listen to this, he would sometimes hurt me and then say it was just for fun. He'd pinch me and hurt me and when I would cry out, he'd say I'm just a poor sport because he was having some fun. The same was true when he would take my hand and bend it backwards until it hurt. I did not know that that was the sign of an abuser.

Well, now I know it was. We're divorced, though my children are walking with God. Do I have time for one more because we need to get to the scriptures and make sense of all this and give people hope? By the way, the Bible is filled again with verses of scripture regarding those who are angry, those who are angry.

One more number four, the lazy shurker. Here's the letter. My husband thinks that the world owes him a living. He never held down a job and always complained about not getting paid enough.

I saw all this but ignored it. He thought that life owed him. He's not an alcoholic but as all the characteristics of one, he takes no personal responsibility but continues to blame others. It's their fault he's not paid more than he is. It's their fault that they reprimand him for being late at work.

It's their fault that he's not promoted. It is my fault we don't have enough money. If he loses a job, it's never his fault.

It's always someone else's fault. He believes that the world simply does not realize or appreciate his great abilities and contribution to the human race. Although we have four children, I've had to be the breadwinner and raise the children at the same time. Even though we are past middle age, my husband is still waiting around for the world to realize what a great person he really is. He applies for well-paying jobs and can't understand why he's never accepted.

He thinks he deserves a high salary though he's not trained for that kind of employment. Red flag. I married the man I dated and I saw all of this before we married but thought he'd change after we said I do. Well, he didn't change and love is blind so here we are.

Well, yeah, there you are. The Bible. Oh, I just marvel at the book of Proverbs. Listen, I have to read these words about the lazy shurker. As a door turns on his hinges, so does a sluggard on his bed.

Isn't that great? The sluggard buries his hand in the dish but it wears him out to bring it back to his mouth. I mean, that's just really funny but there are people, you know. There was a man who won a prize for being the laziest man in the world and he was lying on a beach and somebody said, you've just won the prize of $1,000 for being the laziest man in the world.

And he said, roll me over and put it in my back pocket. But here's the key. The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes than seven men who can answer sensibly. The sluggard is wiser in his own eyes. By the way, did you know that the Bible connects sanity with the ability of knowing who we really are? Book of Romans says this, don't think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think soberly. The Greek word is sanely.

Wow. The Bible is an absolutely overwhelming book for its accuracy. Now, I want to give you three characteristics of the fool. If we had taken all the passages that I had outlined and read them, we'd have discovered that the fool has certain characteristics. Now, in the book of Proverbs, you know that everything is either right or wrong. You're either a fool or you're wise.

It's that kind of literature. So we're using the word fool in the sense that the book of Proverbs does. And the Bible says this, do you see anyone who is wise in his own eyes? There's more hope for a fool than for him. Can I quickly give you the characteristics of a fool then give you some hope and then plunge into the scriptures? Characteristics of a fool.

What is the number one? You say you can't tell him anything. That's true, but why can't you tell a fool anything?

I'll tell you exactly why. It is because he thinks he's wiser than you are. He doesn't know that he's a fool. He doesn't know it. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, you know.

I mean, I mean, he is living, he is living in a bubble. He's wiser than you are. Number one, he doesn't know he's a fool. Number two, therefore you can't tell him anything. And number three, he does the same thing over and over and over again without learning anything. That's what the book of Proverbs says the simpleton does.

You know, it's somebody, somebody gave this illustration. It's like having a hammer and you continue to hit your finger and you hit your finger and then you say to yourself, you know, I have a problem here. I have to change hammers. That's probably what my real problem is. And so you say to yourself, I'm not getting along with this woman. What I really need is a new wife. And so you keep hitting yourself with a different hammer, but you're doing the same thing and not learning year after year after year. The book of Proverbs tells us that a man like that is a fool.

A couple of comments. First of all, I need to emphasize that you marry the person you dated. Don't ever think you're going to change somebody. He's an addict before you marry. I can assure you he'll be a worse addict after you marry. I can assure you of that.

If there is change, almost always it is for the worse and not the better. Don't ever marry somebody because you think you can change them. You can't. God might, but you can't.

Very, very important. In fact, during the dating experience, you actually see the nicest side of them. Like a cartoon I once saw where a woman said, let's get married. I'm tired of being charming. You know, in other words, or like advice given to young men, don't tell your girlfriend you're unworthy of her. Let it come as a surprise.

You know, you see them at their best, not their worst. Well, my friend, we learned from this message and others in this series, how incredibly important marriage is and who we marry is critical, critical for the years ahead. I hope that you see the benefit of a series of messages like this intended to make all of us faithful all the way to the finish line, as you've heard me say before. I encourage you to pick up the phone, call your friends, tell them that they ought to listen because I think that they will benefit greatly even as we discuss the issues of marriage and help people work through the challenges of life. Let me ask you this question. Would you consider helping us as we continue to get the gospel to many?

Would you consider becoming an endurance partner? That's someone who stands with us regularly with their prayers and their gifts. I hope that you have a pen or pencil in your hand. Go to rtwoffer.com. That's rtwoffer.com. And when you're there, you click on the endurance partner button or pick up the phone and call us at 1-888-218-9337. You can write to us at Running to Win, 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, Illinois 60614. Running to Win is all about helping you find God's roadmap for your race of life.

Next time, more character issues you need to be sure of before saying, I do. Don't miss our next program. Thanks for listening. For Pastor Erwin Lutzer, this is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.