What Marriage Is And Isn't – Part 1 of 2

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. The Supreme Court now says the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. There's no doubt marriage is under attack. Some say, why marry? Living together is becoming the norm. Today, why marriage as an institution is so important.

Stay with us. From the Moody Church in Chicago, this is Running to Win with Dr. Erwin Lutzer, whose clear teaching helps us make it across the finish line. Pastor Lutzer, in your series on fighting for your family, you'll be taking us today into the area of marriage.

Give us a preview of what to expect. Dave, I think that this message is going to be very helpful because all of us need to reflect about our marriages and to do so in a very helpful way. You know, when we get married, someone has said we begin with the ideal, then it ends up being the ordeal and then the real deal. And what we need to be willing to do is to ask God to show us how our marriages can be strengthened. And God knows we need his help. I'm so glad for the many of you who support this ministry. You know, of course, that we exist to get the gospel of Jesus Christ around the world. Would you consider becoming an endurance partner?

That's someone who stands with us regularly with their prayers and their gifts. Of course, you need info. Here's what you do. Go to RTWOffer.com. RTWOffer.com. And when you're there, you click on the endurance partner button, or you can call us at 1-888-218-9337.

Thanks in advance for helping us. We want to do all that we can to get the gospel to many and to strengthen the family. Someone has said that marriage is like flies on a screen door.

Those that are in want out and those that are out want in. The question I have to ask is, why is it that so many people who get married with such good intentions end so disastrously? I've married many people. I don't ever recall a couple saying, well, our intention is to have a miserable marriage. But I've married some people who have had a miserable marriage.

I've married some people who ended in divorce. Twenty or more years ago, I flew from Chicago to Tokyo nonstop. If that jet plane had been off by one degree all the way to Tokyo, we wouldn't have ended in Tokyo. We'd have ended somewhere else in another country.

Just like those little birds that fly from one island and they nest there and then they fly back thousands of miles one degree off and they'd miss those islands. Today what we're going to do is in this fourth message on a series entitled Fighting for Your Family, we're going to help you regroup. We're going to help you with a new trajectory, a new focus, a mid-course correction. And we're also going to answer the question of what is marriage? We're going to talk about those who say, well, you know, we live together, but we're not married because what's a piece of paper? Well, today we're going to find out exactly what a piece of paper is. As I've been meditating on this this past week and I've had the advantage of thinking about it for several days, I'm convinced that if we went back to the beginning and looked at the owner's manual, the creator's manual, and if we followed what I'm going to share with you today, we would not have any divorces.

That's a very strong statement, but after all, God did create marriage for a purpose and there are certain requirements and we've missed them. And so we go in the general direction and we end up in a bad place. As you know, each message has within it an assignment, which I will be giving you a little later on in the sermon, because I fully intend that your life should be changed as a result of these sermons. It is not simply that you're hearing truth.

I've been praying that you'll hear the voice of the Holy Spirit. And some of you have come to this with all kinds of relational issues and you may be thinking about divorce or even in the middle of the divorce, maybe it's time for you to rethink what marriage is all about. And if you're here and you're single, there's going to be a word for you too. Thank you for coming on the journey. The real purpose of marriage is to reveal God, to make God look good. Unfortunately, many marriages don't do that, but that was the original intention. And if we want to go back to the beginning and read the owner's manual, we have to turn once again to Genesis chapter two, Genesis chapter two, where it's all laid out for us. And I'm going to follow the outline in the Bible, not the outline that I originally thought I was going to use, because the end of the day, I decided that God's outline was better than mine.

So I always defer to him. In fact, all that we're going to look at is one verse and all of its implications. And then at the end, we're going to be pouring grace into your soul. It's going to be laced with grace.

It's going to be laced with hope, but you have to stay with me on this journey. Well, verse 24, I don't know that I even have to read it because we all know it by memory. Your member, Adam, of course, is created and everything is good, but it was not good for a man to be alone. And so God creates a help meet. We've been here before in this passage. Adam names his wife, which shows the order of responsibility and role within the marriage. But then we get to verse 24. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother.

And then my translation says, hold fast. I like the old King James here, cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh. All that today, life transforming for a marriage. What I want to do is to give you three or four commitments that you make when you are married, and then we'll understand the implications and why it is that sometimes people get married and they shouldn't. I think that this passage would prevent some weddings. And by the way, I've prevented some weddings. I won't tell you all the details. I think I mentioned this several years ago, but our staff is not only committed to having good weddings, but preventing them.

If they can see danger up ahead. Well, are you ready? Ready for the commitment? Number one, therefore, a man will leave father and mother. What that means is that marriage creates a sacred space where faithfulness can be demonstrated and where loyalty is now transferred from mother and father to the spouse. And this loyalty is very strong. And this couple creates this space and they no longer look to mommy and daddy for guidance and direction and are always still committed to the loyalty that they have to their family ties. It is not just geographical.

You leave and get a side to live in San Francisco or somewhere else. Because you know, there are people who leave geographically, but they don't leave psychologically. This has to do with a fundamental psychological commitment to leave father and mother. That doesn't mean that father and mother aren't involved.

I'm glad that that doesn't mean that. Rebecca and I have the privilege of having eight beautiful grandchildren and we're always invited to take care of them and to have an input into their life. But the loyalty is to your wife and the wife to her husband. They're the ones who make up their decisions.

They're the ones that run the home according to their specifications. And that's what it means to leave. Now I'm going to speak to you plainly today. I hope I always speak plainly. I don't want to be like that politician who left a political rally who said, I hope that in the excitement I didn't happen to make myself clear about anything.

I like to be clear. There are some parents who are control freaks and they control by manipulation, by guilt. Like one woman said, you know, my mother, she owns the Midwest distributorship of guilt.

Yeah. And so they, they control by guilt, by manipulation, by shame, even verbally. And they want to continue that control after you are married.

If you let them do that, you have not left father and mother. I remember counseling a guy who said that my mother wants to break up our marriage. He said, we have a happy marriage, but she begins to meddle.

She begins to talk. She begins to say things and, and interfere and even lies and manipulation. So I told him, you have to have boundaries here. You have to have boundaries here.

And you even have to say in this case, mother, you cannot come and visit your grandchildren. And the reason for that is because this mother created chaos. Now there are some people who live with chaos. They cannot live without chaos.

So they distribute chaos wherever they go. No wife should ever have to doubt whether her husband's loyalty is to her and not his parents. It's interesting that the command is not given to the woman. It's given to the man.

The Bible is so accurate. It's also true of human nature. As I have observed marriages, I've noticed that so often it is the man who is tied to his parents. The wife is more submissive in terms of the leadership that is given by her husband, but it is oftentimes the man. I mean, I've heard stories about a man on his honeymoon, calling his mother every day, lots of other stories like that.

It is Dan Ellender who wrote, we can honor our mother and father only if we have first created the proper boundary to serve and protect our spouse. You leave father and mother. You know what you also leave?

You also leave past attachments. Yeah, you don't look up that wonderful girl that you dated in college on Facebook just to see what she's up to and begin to fantasize of how much better it would have been if you had married her. I'm speaking here plainly because counselors will tell you that Facebook is the chief way in which divorces now happen. Because, you know, because of bonding, oftentimes sexual bonding, you know, you have people going back and they have trouble in their marriage and they're beginning to fantasize about if only I had married my college sweetheart, how wonderfully we would have lived. When you walk down to the altar, all the ghosts are left behind and you break all those ties.

Pornography also, which is a commitment that many people have and it's an addiction that we've talked about in different contexts. The fact is that all the things that intrude upon the one man, one woman relationship and building a sacred space where there can be faithfulness and trust, all those relationships have to be laid aside. Now, I'm not saying you have to be perfect before you get married or else you know what the conclusion to that is. None of us would be married today. But I also have to tell you that the courting period is one of the most deceptive periods of time that you will ever go through on both sides of the ledger. Because everybody is at his best and oh yeah, I really do enjoy football because you enjoy football.

Yeah, I really do. That's why getting married is something like getting a phone call in the middle of the night. First of all, you get a ring and then you wake up, okay? And you discover that there's a lot more. The baggage car arrives after marriage and not before.

And unless you take care of some of those ghosts, it'll haunt you. All right, the first thing is to leave. If you're not willing to leave, then don't get married. Cleave. Cleave to your wife.

I'm thinking of Velcro at this point. Cleave to your wife. In other words, what you are saying is, in all the world, I am honoring and committed to you. Or, alternately, the wife says, I am committed and honoring you. Think of all the problems that would be taken care of if we simply left and cleft. I know that there isn't a word like cleft, but we're in a good mood today.

We can make up some words as we go along. The cleaving part means that trust is now being built. To quote the words of Dan Allender again, through many acts of faithfulness. No marriage can ever be happy without trust. It is central to the marriage. In fact, Allender says, a marriage without trust is an empty well.

It promises satisfaction, but it never delivers. You must be able to safely trust in your mate. And once that trust is lost, it has to be regained, often over a period of time.

Again, Dan Allender says, trust is earned over a lifetime, as I mentioned, through small moments of faithfulness. You also learn patience. You learn to accept one another.

You know, all those differences that you intend to see. Listen, the person that you marry is the same person that you will live with before he was married. Going down the aisle doesn't change anybody. Ladies, especially you need to know this. He's an addict before you marry him. He's an addict after you marry him. You know, we may smile at the woman who says that on her wedding day, she thinks of three things.

She thinks of the aisle, walking down the aisle, she thinks of the altar, and then of course she thinks of him. But actually it's I'll alter him. Lady, let me look into your eyes.

Can you see mine from where you're seated? You won't. You won't. And as a result of that, of course, people have to learn to accept their differences. And you have to begin to say, and you see, that's where God births patience in our hearts. That's where God begins to birth sanctification, because here you have somebody who is very different from you.

And the things that attracted you that you thought were so cute, you can't stand now. Cleave to your wife. Endure. And you'll get huge payback.

You really will. And I'll give you some examples of that in just a moment. Well, the next thing I want to speak about, which isn't in the text but clearly implied here and elsewhere in Scripture, is the covenant. You know, people say, well, why should I have a covenant? Why this oath? You know, leaving all others, cleave only to yourselves, however that is. I was at a wedding here yesterday.

It was nice to be at a wedding that I wasn't officiating at, just to see how other people do it. But, you know, the vows are essentially the same. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. By the way, the next message in this series is on money, so I've entitled it till debt do us part. So you'll be sure to be here for that. But the point is that what's a piece of paper anyway? Let's just live together.

Oh, really? A number of years ago, my wife and I bought a house. We are reputable people.

We bought it from reputable people. Why do we even sign anything? Why don't we just shake hands and say, okay, we'll pay you this much, and you give us the title, and we sign it over? Because what's a piece of paper anyway?

Well, that's not the way it was. We had an attorney. They had an attorney.

We spent about an hour signing documents that we could scarcely understand. But we signed them anyway. Why? Because everybody knows that after you've made the deal, you might have buyer's remorse. And you might say to yourself, I didn't know that the roof leaks. I didn't know that there are termites in the attic. I didn't know that the windows don't close properly, and we're going to get new windows. Furthermore, you drive down the street, and two blocks away there's this house that you always admired, but you never bought it. And now suddenly there's a for sale sign on it. And you say to yourself, oh, now what do I do? Well, you know, life is tough. You sign the documents, and what you're going to have to do is to fix the roof, and you're going to have to take care of the termites, and you might have to get new windows. But in the process, God is going to develop you. And furthermore, you know that house down the street that you liked so much?

Please be advised that actually you didn't know that, did you? But that house has a basement that is going to collapse within six months. You're lucky, if I might use that word. You're lucky you didn't buy that other house. But you don't know that, so you fantasize as to what it would have been if only you had someone better, and now you have buyer's remorse, and you don't know where to go with it. You know, of course, it is true that that fantasy may only be a fantasy. You remember years ago I told you a story about a man who was walking through a psych ward, and he got to the first room, and there was a man banging his head against a padded cell. And he said to the manager, what's his problem? And he said, well, he was madly in love with Matilda. And Matilda jilted him, and he can't handle it, so all day long he just bangs his head against the wall. Matilda, how could you do it? Matilda, how could you do it? When they got to the end of the aisle, they noticed that there was another man in a padded cell banging his head against the wall saying, Matilda, how could you do it? Matilda, how could you do it? The guy said, what's his problem?

He said, well, he's the one who married Matilda. The minute your fantasies begin to think about what could have been, you're on very, very dangerous ground. So now there's this couple who says, well, we don't need that piece of paper. Mixed messages are being sent. On the one hand, I love you so much, I want to be with you. On the other hand, another message is being sent, namely, but I want to keep an escape hatch.

I want to make sure that I can get out of this with a lot of trouble just in case you and I can't work it out. Now let's go on to the next thing that the Bible mentions, and the implications of that reasoning will be even more clear. He says, leave father and mother, be joined together, and they shall become one flesh. Now we come to a very, very mysterious teaching in the Bible, and I don't have time to go into it except to say that the one flesh relationship is to mirror God. In fact, Paul says in the book of Ephesians that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The marriage is to mirror God, mirror Jesus Christ's relationship to the church.

And it's not as if the Apostle Paul thought, I need an illustration for loving Christ and Christ's relationship to the church. Let me use marriage. The intention of marriage is to mirror God. And the oneness that comes through intimacy, through sexual intimacy is not just a physical biological experience. It is really a metaphysical experience. In fact, the Apostle Paul says that even if you have a relationship with a prostitute where there is no commitment, no love, nothing, just raw lust, he says, you're already one body.

Wow. The implications of that, which I preached on in previous times are huge. It's the most important verse in all the Bible.

Teaches you more about sexuality than all the books on the shelves of our bookstores right there. God says you become one flesh, body, soul, and spirit. Well, my friend, I certainly hope that you listen to Running to Win next time and find out more about that very important verse. We exist to get the gospel of Jesus Christ to as many as possible. And we do that through radio, through the internet, but also through books. I'm holding in my hands a word from a chaplain in a prison who writes, thank you for the books which will be placed in libraries in every prison in our region, reaching over 20,000 inmates. We may not know till heaven, but many lives will be changed and people will be set free. It is because of people like you that we can be generous in helping various groups of people, even as they get the gospel of Jesus Christ to many.

Would you consider helping us by becoming an endurance partner? That's someone who stands with us regularly with their prayers and their gifts. I hope that you have a pen or pencil handy because you need more info. Here's what you do. Go to rtwoffer.com. That's rtwoffer.com. And when you're there, you click on the endurance partner button. Or you can call us at 1-888-218-9300. Now, my friend, when we receive testimonies, it is because of people like you that help us get the gospel to as many places as we possibly can.

Thanks in advance for helping us and God bless you. You can write to us at Running to Win, 1635 North LaSalle Boulevard, Chicago, IL 60614. Buyer's remorse. We all wonder if that appliance we bought was really the best choice. When it comes to marriage, there's no place for buyer's remorse. Next time, more of what marriage is and isn't, letting go of what might have been and honoring the commitment we've made for better or for worse. Thanks for listening. For Dr. Erwin Lutzer, this is Dave McAllister. Running to Win is sponsored by the Moody Church.