Memory Lane Part 1

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And I'm Will Hardy, the black guy. We're so glad you joined us today. And we're here in the festive season, so we're actually just a few days before Christmas, Will. We decided to do this show about memory lane, walking down memory lane. And you know, folks, memories can be a really positive thing and a great part of life, and we've all got those memories that aren't quite as good and quite as happy, and we try to keep those at the bottom of the memory pile, if you will. But we want to talk about walking down memory lane, what that was like for us and maybe for you as an adult, as you think about your childhood and how life has treated you and where it's got you to today. And we just want to talk about walking that journey. You know, Roy, and the thing about it is, is there's a lot of things that men experience in general, you know, as children that we carry over, you know, to adulthood in our memories.

Oh, yes. So there are good things that we take with us, and of course, there are bad things that we take with us. But each one of these experiences, we should learn from them and give us a positive going forward, a positive look at how we as men growing up from childhood and taking that walk down memory lane, how we respond to our children. Yeah, it's a great point, Will, because I think sometimes we fail to realize, and we've talked about collateral damage in the past, but we fail to realize the words of affirmation in the building memories and how important that is in a childhood's life, because what they see in us and what we do as fathers and husbands and even what our wives see in us, that's what the children see is how we relate to our wives, is shaping their expectation of their own future.

Exactly. And if they see a certain behavior modeled, whether that's good or bad, that will soon become what they expect for their own life and what they're anticipating. And also, I think will allow them to either settle for less than God intended for them to have, because that's the only thing they've ever known, or the reverse of that will have them holding their expectations so high, if you as the father and husband have set that bar high, so that your children will expect the same out of their relationships. And I think when the bar is set high, they have to be careful in not ensuring that the desire that the parents have is their desire instead of their children's desire.

Right. So in other words, the parents could have a desire that they go to school and become a doctor or a lawyer, and the child says, no, I want to do gymnastics, or I want to play the guitar. Well, we've talked in the past, at least with friends, about parents living vicariously through their children, right, living their unfulfilled dreams back through their children. I think that's probably what you're leaning towards as well, that the expectations we're putting on them need to be their dreams, and we're expecting them to follow their dreams as opposed to our dreams and expecting them to adapt our dreams. And we should be simply just giving them guidance.

Yes, suggestions. You know, and on how to approach whatever it is they need to approach, and then how to carry that thing out. Right. So Will, we're talking about memory lane. Tell me, what is your, let's put you on the spot here, what's your fondest memory of childhood? Well, I think it's growing up in the city, experiencing the ins and outs of movements. Of course, I grew up in Detroit, and having a lot of experiences with respect to the civil rights movement. That was a good thing. When I look back at it now, we understand that the times were turbulent, but it was a good thing experiential for me in that it allowed me to see the various sides of the argument of why certain people were looking for that, you know, African American people.

They were looking for the freedom, and they were looking for the deliverance of oppression and things like this. And when I became an adult, there was a more fonder appreciation for going through that and having experienced it rather than getting information secondhand. Well, I think most people would agree that there's that experience when you're going through the fire, it's kind of like, you know, fire, temper, steel.

When you're going through the fire, it sure is painful, but when you get on the other side of it, it sure is a good feeling to know that you're on the other side, and you learn from it, and God strengthens you through it. In fact, I think we're going to maybe talk about that on next week's show. I think it's one of our topics that we've got set up for next week. So what about you, Roy? What was one of your fondest memories growing up? Well, you know, it's funny, as we were preparing for the show, one of the neatest things I used to always enjoy was getting the Sears and Roebuck catalog was, you know, the Christmas wish book, I think is what they called it. And for those of you that don't know what Sears and Roebuck is, I'm dating myself just a tad here, but I was very young during that time, but Sears and Roebuck being the Sears, what later became just the Sears store. And I used to always look through there, because I'd always have the opportunity, my parents would always say, well, pick out a couple things, and they would give me some guidelines for Santa Claus to bring.

And my dad was a truck driver, I think I've mentioned that before on the show, so we didn't have a lot of time together. So I always looked forward to having time with him during the holidays, and him being home with us for, you know, five or six, seven days, you know, a week's vacation with us. But, you know, I guess that's probably the expectation of having those times and anticipation of waking up on Christmas morning to see what, you know, was under the tree and what Santa Claus had brought. And certainly, I guess that would be probably from a childhood perspective and around Christmas time, that would be what I would reflect back to.

A little bit younger than you are, so I was kind of coming in as this little bit young when this whole desegregation started, and, you know, I was just really coming into school when I was in the full string of things. So, but I get what you're saying, that by going through the fire during that time period and the storm, what a great reward it is on this side. Oh, absolutely.

So for everybody. Absolutely. You know, I was looking up and doing a little bit of research, and I found where this was either in Psych Central or Psychology Today, they were talking about Adverse Childhood Experiences, ACE for short, A-C-E. And they were saying that there are 10 experiences that a child go through, and when they go through these experiences, that they respond differently as a adult. And the number one, of course, that we have been talking about on the show is sexual abuse.

That was number one, and they are in the order in which they appeared in the article. Emotional abuse was another. Emotional neglect was one.

And then physical abuse. Physical neglect. Substance abuse at home. Mental illness in the home. Incarceration of a family member.

And parental separation or divorce. Now was that in the order of severity? That was in the order of severity. Okay, go back over to the first couple again. So the first couple was sexual abuse and emotional abuse.

Wow. So emotional abuse and sexual abuse. And what we're saying here, obviously, is this is the darker picture of the memories, because all memories we know from childhood are not good memories. So this particular article was talking about if a child go through some of these 10 common, or the most common things that they saw in children, and as they become an adult, then the adult person begins to respond not normal in the sense of functionality.

Sure. So this basically becomes a handicap, if you will. Exactly. In their adult life. And you know, it doesn't mean that it's over, it just means that they may need to seek help or counseling to work through some of those issues that they dealt with as a child. Because if you were in the middle of those things, chances are you weren't taught how to deal with those things.

Exactly, exactly. Because it was just a byproduct of a very unhealthy environment. And, you know, during, depending on when you were born, things like this may not have been discussed, you know, in the home. So the child, even though they were experiencing it, they could not understand it. And so understanding, and of course experiencing it, is two different things. We experience a lot of things that we don't understand.

Right. You know, so when we have memories of good memories, those I think are the easy ones that we can grab a hold to and say, hey, now as an adult, when I look back at my life and the things that I went through, things that I may have thought of as bad things, turned out to really be a good thing on this side. So men, if you're listening, and ladies as well, I think the thing that's important is that if you have young children or children that are still formidable or shapeable in your home, you should think about the effect that your behavior has, the words that you're sharing, speaking over them and into them. And one of the things I think is the most powerful things I've experienced over the last couple of years was, you know, we talked about with General Boykin in our summit, we brought the men up who had their sons there to speak a blessing into their sons' lives. That was wonderful. It was. And I think that just speaks, the Bible talks about the power of the word, right, and the power of the tongue, that something so small could certainly do so much damage.

And I think the rudder of the ship is the parallel. So folks, you know, what we're trying to say here is just let's build good memories. Let's download into your children in a way that you want them to remember the rest of their lives and that your grandchildren will be the byproducts of how you're shaping your children today. And I believe that the byproduct, especially if you're born again, you know, if you're born again, you want to sow good seed into your children.

You want to be able to do what is necessary in order to make sure they have a fulfilling environment in which to grow and learn. Yeah, I agree, Will. And when we think about memories, the one thing that we need to talk about is the other side of that, right? We think about the good memories, but we probably need to think about what's the bad memory?

What's the worst memory going on? Well, we're on top of the break. We'll be right back with you.

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Call 336-885-1987. Welcome back to ManTalk Radio. This is Roy. And this is Will.

And Will, right before the break chimed in on us there, we were talking about the two memory types, right? There's the really good memories and then obviously we've all got some of those memories that aren't so good. From growing up and even as adults. We don't need to get too personal because we want to stay on the upside because it is the week of Christmas. We want to make sure we stay up in the jolly and celebrate the whole reason for the season.

Our Savior was born and the celebration of our Savior's birthday. And we want to make sure that that's what this is all about. I don't think that when we were growing up, parents, obviously they were learning. Most parents have the first child, which is kind of the test child, if you will, that has to kind of endure mom and dad learning how to be parents. And second, third, fourth children have a little bit easier and not quite so much oversight and a little bit softer touch, I think, for most families.

That's generally the way it works. But, you know, as parents, we just want to encourage you that it's never too late, never too late to start to change course if you've had a very emotional journey or a very abusive journey, you can fix that. You can make a difference in that child's life and in your husband's life or in your wife's life.

So don't think that it's ever too late. And I think that's an important message. And we're talking about building memories. So what better time to start than here celebrating our Savior's birthday than to have new memories. And indeed, Roy, because new memories is what we need.

Because if the Word of God says we're new creatures in Christ, then we should, you know, take on the characteristics of Christ and not go back into the world and allow ourselves to be influenced by things like that. Let's talk about something fun for a second, Will. What's your favorite Christmas movie? Well, my favorite Christmas movie I would say is one of my favorite Christmas movies, but not the favorite. I would have to say Home Alone. Home Alone? Home Alone. And the reason is it was so comical, but it also sent a message. You know, in all of these movies, you know, they have messages. But here you have a kid who's basically defending his home from thieves, you know. And eight years old or whatever.

Absolutely. And so it brings about a gladness in the sense that you have this one child who the parents go on vacation and they forget. And then all of a sudden, you know, he's there and having to fend the home off because of thieves.

And of course, it's hilarious in the sense that I think it, you know, we get a lot of laughs from it, but it's a lot of truth behind it too because there are individuals who are porch pirates, for example, you know, during this time of the year who just ride around the neighborhood, look for packages to pick up. And see, you were saying earlier keeping it up on the jolly with respect to this time of the year, but do you realize, Roy, that during this time of the year is when parents are the most depressed? How am I going to make ends meet? How am I going to provide Christmas for the children? How am I going to put food on the table when coronavirus now on top of everything else has compounded the thing? So we can't forget about reality, but I do understand what you're saying about keeping it on the up and up and jolly. As much as we can.

But we certainly don't want to add to that potential stress by giving them too much heavy stuff to think about here. So my favorite movies, too, I guess, would be, well, one's more of a tradition, but it's also, it's become a favorite movie. It's the Christmas story, you know, with the little guy waiting on his BB gun. And he always says, you'll shoot your eye out, and the mother tells you to shoot your eye out. So that's part of our traditional Christmas morning. We watched the Christmas story, and it's a wonderful life.

You know, that's with Jimmy Stewart. That's quite, quite touching. A lot of lessons in that. A lot of things to keep in mind, you know, to the point about pressure. He's happy going into the holidays, and then, you know, the crook next door takes advantage of a mistake, and you know how that goes. But it ends up well, right? It ends up very well. And it's about family at the end of the day.

It was showing about family and friends surrounding him, and in the midst of a very difficult time. And that's one thing I guess we should plant a seed for while we're here in this moment, is folks, you know, if God has blessed you with whatever, and you've got a little bit extra, you know, plant that seed out with somebody that's, maybe it's your neighbor, maybe it's a family member, maybe it's to your local church that's doing some sort of program. I was talking with a pastor today, and happened to see an overloaded car in our church parking lot with a tremendous amount of stuff inside the car. I mean, so much stuff that there was only room for the driver. And this is not a car car, it's a little SUV. Individuals living in the car, and apparently this is quite common these days. There's many people that are living in their cars, and they'll move from parking lot to parking lot, or, you know, wooded areas to wooded areas, and then they get out and get around during the daytime. So there is a need out there, folks.

I would like to just ask you, look around yourself, and look around your neighborhood, and maybe even contact your church. God's given you a lot, and you've got an opportunity to give back. To Will's point, there are many families that aren't sure how they're going to make Christmas work this year.

A lot of unemployment, a lot of tough times, and evictions are going to start in Q1 of next year, as it sounds like, based on the landlords and everybody that's in the middle of this pandemic stress. And I think, Roy, you know, when we say a lot, you may not have a lot. But if you're eating, your house is warm, you have clothes on your back, you're doing better than most of the world's population, because most of the world's population is underprivileged. You know, here we are going, hey, I don't want that broccoli casserole for dinner. And they, the people who don't have anything to eat, they would be so thankful just to be able to fill their bellies with food that we say we just don't want.

That's set before us. So I think it should give us a different perspective rather than how we used to view things, to look at things in a more caring and loving way just because it's that time of the season. But even more than that, it's because you love Jesus Christ.

And if we have that love for Jesus, and as you stated, if we do have just something extra that we can give, clothes, shoes, cash, it doesn't matter what it is. And that's the ultimate memory, Lane, that we're talking about. We think about what he did for us, what Jesus did for us.

I mean, he carried all our sins to the cross so that we may have eternal life and salvation, if we accept that and follow him. So think about them in thinking about memories and building memories. What greater memory can you leave with your child and lesson to be taught, and your loved ones and your spouse, whether it's your husband or your wife, to say, hey, there's this family in need, and we need to go do something about it. And take your kids and make them a part of that journey.

If it's take a meal by, take some gift cards by inside of a Christmas card so it's not a big to-do for the family receiving it, but they will see it when you leave. Just do something to show what it's like to download into other people's lives and to put others before ourselves. And this shows love. And the greatest commandment is to love thy God with all thy heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love others as yourself. And nobody hates their self. They love their self. Most people do. Well, if you're eating every day, that's right, because you're finding a way to get that food.

So if you're doing that, then you, again, are doing much more than the world's population. So consider what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross. Consider that long road that he had to take with that wooden cross that was so heavy. Because you have to remember, listener, you have to remember Jesus Christ was beaten so badly that you could not describe him as a man.

In other words, his flesh was just ripped from the bone. And then the Romans made him carry that cross. And when he carried that cross, even though he went through the agony, the pain, the discomfort, and ultimately dying a physical death, all of that he did for you and me. And no man can endure that pain, that agony that Jesus Christ went through. And then he rose from the dead exactly what he said he was going to do.

And of course, all of the prophets before him prophesied that too, Roy. So let your mind reflect, not on the little baby Jesus that was born, but think about the Jesus man, the God man, who not only walked that gravel road for you, but also gave his life for you. And so we who are privileged, and if you're eating, you're privileged. Because there are many in the world who are not. Do that thing out of love for Jesus Christ for the one who don't have it.

That's so good, Will. You know, folks, just take a moment and think about that. Just think about the enormity of that load and the love, such a great love, the greatest love. And I don't think we talk about that enough.

I think especially those of us that are trying to spread the gospel, and we're trying to get men, in our case, we're trying to get men off the sidelines. But at the end of the day, if you just stop and think about what greater love than what he did, there is none greater, none greater. And that's what's so important, folks.

We just got to remember that. So as we walk down memory lane, folks, what was your greatest childhood memory? Talk it over with your spouse. Share it with your children. And ask your children, hey, what's been your greatest memory so far about your childhood?

And then continue to build on that. And if they don't have an answer, well, that's probably a sign that it's time to change the pattern and start moving towards building really, really good and solid new memories like we talked about before. We're so glad you joined us today. Will, why don't you take us out? Well, just remember, if you are not born again and you want to be, confess your sins to the Lord Jesus Christ and say, hey, God, I can't save myself. Only you can save me. And so give yourself to him. Confess that he died on the cross, was buried, rose again on the third day according to the scriptures. And when he did that, you will be saved.

Amen. As we wrap up today's show, be assured that TAWCMM, Talking and Walking Christian Men's Ministry, is building a community of men that are Christ followers with the desire to be servant leaders in their homes, communities, churches, and work environments. Check out our website for upcoming events and regularly scheduled meetings. Drop us a note for topics that you would like to have us visit in the future. Thank you for joining us on Man Talk today. Visit us at www.tawcmm.com. Men walking the talk.