The Music of Marriage

Known for his unique ability to simplify profound truth so that it can be applied to everyday life, Adrian Rogers was one of the most effective preachers, respected Bible teachers and Christian leaders of our time. Thanks for joining us for this message.

Here's Adrian Rogers. Would you open your Bibles to the Song of Solomon. Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon. To Chapter 1, would you please? I want to speak to you in a moment on this subject, the music of marriage.

But I want to read something to you, one of the saddest few paragraphs that I have read. Many of you remember Christian Bernard, that famous South African surgeon, a heart surgeon. He went to the University of Minnesota and there he spent years in developing the aortic heart valve. And then he gained great notoriety because he did the first heart transplant, the first successful heart transplant. He was in the newspapers. He was on the talk shows. He was in television. He was the leader.

He was on the cutting edge in that area. Then he wrote a book. The title of that book was One Life. And in that book, he told how he lost his home and how he lost his family. I want you to listen to this.

I'm quoting. It was a bright April morning when I drove out of Minneapolis. It seemed like a century since I first arrived there, a time longer than all the years before it. In New York, I put the car on a boat and caught a plane for Cape Town.

A northwest wind was blowing and we came over the sea with the waves close below. My wife was there with the children. I had not written much in the last two months. Yet I was unprepared for her greeting. Why did you come back? There was no longer a smile in her eyes.

Oh, God, I thought I have made the most terrible mistake of my life. Don't look so surprised, she said. We gave you up. We decided you were never coming back. I replied it was only a little delay. I wrote you April the first. No, you wrote once saying you weren't coming home.

We were building valves, aortic heart valves, I answered. No, you were building a family. That is, you were until you dumped it in my lap. She said bitterly.

We have ceased to exist for you. I wanted to say I came home because I love my children. And I thought I loved her. I wanted to come home because I felt it.

But what could I say? Now that sounded so meaningless. It began to rain. The city was gray under a gray sky.

It was winter in Cape Town but in Minneapolis the trees were splashy, bright green. How was it possible to lose a whole springtime? That was a man who was successful in the eyes of the world but in his own eyes a failure because he gained the whole world and lost his family. And as you listen to that story, the key there is that there was a lack of communication. Did you know that marriage counselors tell us that in all marriage counseling and in all marriage problems that 80 percent of those problems root in poor communication?

I ran this past a marriage counselor. I said, Tell me, what percent do you think of marriage problems root in communication? I wondered if he would say 80 percent. He didn't say 80 percent.

He said 100 percent. If you trace it back somewhere that that marriage problem roots in poor communication. I want to talk to you today about the music of marriage because the very book that we're studying from is called The Song of Solomon. It begins with this verse.

The song of songs which is Solomon's. And what it is is a love poem. It is two lovers communicating.

What it really is is the music of marriage. May I say this to you if you're married or intend to get married? You will communicate or your marriage will disintegrate.

Communicate or disintegrate. Proverbs chapter 18 verse 21. Death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. First Peter chapter 3 and verse 10. For he that will love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil and his lips that they speak no guile.

Again he's saying if you are a lover of life, if you want to see good days, then you must control your speech. How many marriages are on the rocks because of poor communication? One woman went in to see a lawyer. She said, my husband wants to divorce me. The lawyer says, why does he have a grudge? She says, no, but he has a carport. No, he said, I don't mean that. Does he have any grounds?

Well, she said about five acres. Oh, he said, what is the problem? Oh, he says, we can't communicate.

Well, I can understand why. Sometimes it happens before we get married. I read about a young man who wrote his girlfriend a letter. And he said, you know, I remember proposing to you last night, but I can't remember whether you said yes or no.

Could you help me out? She's very smart. She wrote him back a letter. She said, I'm so grateful that you wrote the letter.

She said, I remembered saying no to some proposal for marriage, but I forgot who it was. Thank you for writing the letter. If you can't communicate, you can't stay together. There are five basic levels of communication.

First is what is the frivolous level. We'll do that all day long today. This just deals with clichés. It's a beautiful day, isn't it? It's hot, isn't it? What about sports?

We talk about clothes and so forth. That's the frivolous level. But then there's another level, which is a little deeper, and that's the factual level, where we're reporting facts and we talk about facts. There's no real personal involvement.

It's almost like a news commentator giving out the evening news on television. Then there's the third level, which is the fellowship level. On that level, we talk about our ideas, we talk about our judgments, we talk about our philosophies, and at that point we begin to risk a little bit because somebody may reject our judgments, our ideas, our philosophies, and then we may retreat back. That's what I call the fellowship level. Then there's a level beyond that.

That's the feeling level. Not only do we talk about philosophies, judgments, and ideas, but we open up and say how we really feel about these facts and these judgments. That's about as far as most people get in communication. But there's another level in communication, and that, my dear friend, is the freedom level, I mean where we are just completely open with our mate. We share our dreams, we share our fears, we share our ideas, and we are completely free because there is no fear of rejection.

The word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus, and it means inmost. That is, you're dealing with the inmost part, your dreams, your fears, your secrets, your failures, your aspirations, things that you would share with no one else on earth except that person that you're intimate with. And that, my dear friend, is the secret of lasting love.

In the Bible, when husband and wife would come together in the act of marriage, the Bible describes it this way, Thus and such a person knew his wife. May I tell you this, and you listen to me, to be completely known and still be loved is the supreme goal of marriage. To be completely known and still be loved. To be intimate. Now today when we talk about intimacy, people are thinking about physical intimacy. But my dear friend, physical intimacy is not truly intimacy.

It is void and without meaning, without spiritual and psychological intimacy. Now thank God, God gives us a model for this intimacy. God gives us a model for communication. God shows us in His Word how husbands and wives can communicate.

And that model is found in this wonderful little book called The Song of Solomon. And there you're going to find King Solomon and a Shulamite girl, whom he is married, as they're talking to one another. And you have the most intimate speech. Almost sometimes we blush to read it, but it is thereby divine inspiration to give us a model for marriage, an illustration of how husbands and wives ought to talk to one another.

This man and his wife in this book, they praise one another. They speak in terms of physical attraction. They talk in terms of affection. They talk in terms of affirmation. And I want us to listen to intimate conversation. I want us to see what God has given in His Holy Word as a model for intimacy between husbands and wives in this message that we call the music of marriage. Now there are four things I want you to notice about their conversation out of this book, King Solomon and the Shulamite. The very first thing I want you to notice is this.

If you're making notes, write it down. Their words are plentiful. That is, they talk and they talk a lot. As a matter of fact, almost 60 percent of the verses in the Song of Solomon are words that are spoken between these lovers. And as you read it, it is obvious that they miss the sound of the other's voice when they're separated and they praise the other's speech. And they're so free. One is free to give without embarrassment.

The other is free to receive without resentment. You know, husbands and wives need to learn how to talk together. And so many times it's the wife who craves the husband to talk to her. Astronaut Michael Collins estimated that in an average day, a man will speak 25,000 words. And in an average day, a woman will speak 30,000 words.

Now that's not a big difference. Men are talkers too. But he said the problem is, unfortunately, when I get home at the end of the day, I have used up my 25,000 and my wife hasn't started on a one of her 30,000. And that is a problem of the silent man and the woman who talks. And you know, sometimes it seems that when our marriages get older that we get colder and we stop talking.

I'll tell you another reason for that is this, that men are goal oriented. Women wonder why he doesn't talk to her like he did when they were dating. He would call her on the telephone, call her from the office and talk and talk and talk and talk. But then they get married and he suddenly stops talking. But a woman is security oriented and she craves communication. She craves conversation. But he, having achieved marriage, moves off to some other goal. But she has an ever deepening need of being affirmed.

And so there is a built in problem. So I want to say to both men and women, as we look at this book, this Song of Solomon, and as we think about the music of marriage, the very first thing is to have communication, you must talk, take time, make time to talk. Their words are plentiful. Secondly, I want you to see that their words are personal. Oh, they say some very intimate things to one another. Look, if you will, here in chapter 5 and verse 2.

I sleep, but my heart waketh. It is the voice of my beloved, underscore the word my beloved. It is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled, for my head is filled with dew and my locks with the drop of night. Now, she has a word for him. She has a name for him. She calls him my beloved. He has a word, a pet name for her. He calls her my love. And he also calls her my dove. They have little pet names for one another.

Their words are so personal. Do you have a pet name for your wife? I have some for Joyce.

I don't call anybody else by those names but Joyce. She has some names for me. You say, What are they, Adrian?

I'm not going to tell you. But some pet names, private names, personal names. Do you know what these little pet names, these little love names are? They are ways of saying to your mate, You are unique.

I don't use this name for anybody else. You're special. You are unique.

You are one of a kind. Do you know the Bible says that wives are to submit themselves to their own husbands? And that word own is an interesting word. It is the word idios in the Greek language. It's the word we get idiosyncrasy from.

It's also the word we get idiot from. Wives, submit yourself to your idiot husband. You submit to your very special husband, your unique husband. Husbands and wives need to know that they are number one, that they are unique.

Listen, if you call your wife, sweetheart, don't call the waitress, sweetheart. If that's your name for her, then it is for her alone. She is special. She is unique.

Look in chapter 5 and verse 10. My beloved, that's what she says about him, is white and ruddy, the chiefest among 10,000. He is number one in my life. Everybody needs to know that they're number one.

Everybody needs to feel unique like you are number one and nothing else can take your place. Now, here's a third thing I notice about their speech. Not only are their words plentiful and not only are they personal, but they are positive. How positively they speak to one another. There is not one negative word of criticism in this book.

Nothing critical, nothing negative, no correction. Look, if you will, in chapter 5 again and verse 2. I sleep, but my heart waketh. It is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, open to me, my sister, my love, my dove.

Now watch it, my undefiled. That literally means my flawless one. Now, I'm sure because she was human, she wasn't flawless, but that's what he called her. He is affirming her.

He is not belittling her. Look, if you will, in chapter 1 and begin in verse 8. All we men could learn a lesson. If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way in the footsteps of thy flock and feed thy kids beside the shepherd's tents. I have compared thee, O my love, to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots. Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold.

We will make thee borders of gold with studs of silver. Skip on down, if you will, please to verse 15 and look. Behold, thou art fair, my love. Behold, thou art fair, thou hast dove's eyes. Behold, thou art fair, my beloved.

Yea, pleasant, also our bed is green. This man's a romantic rascal, isn't he? You say, why can't I talk that way?

Well, I don't imagine that Solomon did this without working on it a little bit. I mean, these words did just come out. But my dear friend, I want you to see how positive these words are, very, very positive words. Now, the Bible says in Colossians chapter 4 and verse 6, let your speech be always with grace seasoned with salt. Now, what does salt do?

Salt adds taste to food. And grace adds flavor to speech. Salt is a preservative and speech that issues out of a nature of grace will preserve a marriage and the relationship between husbands and wives.

Listen to it again. Let your speech be always with grace. You know what grace is? Grace is not giving somebody what they deserve. Grace is giving somebody what they need. You say, my wife doesn't deserve that kind of speech.

My husband doesn't deserve it. Then my dear friend, that's all the more reason to give it because they need it. Grace is to speech what color is to art. How we need to learn to let our speech be positive and not negative. You see, one of the key characteristics of intimacy is acceptance. There can be no intimacy without acceptance.

And if you're critical and negative, it's a sign that you have not accepted the other person. Do you know why we can't be intimate? Because we're afraid to expose ourselves. We're afraid we'll get criticized.

If I expose my inadequacy, then I'm afraid I won't be accepted. And you see, out of this acceptance grows trust, and then out of trust there comes intimacy. And so you see, intimacy can only grow where there is a place of safety. Friend, there is such a potent power of praise. Praise like these people are giving one another in this book will transform your marriage. Look, if you will, in chapter 5 and verse 16, he says here, she is speaking of him, and she says of him, his mouth is most sweet.

What she's saying is his mouth, and she's speaking of his words, his mouth is sweetness personified. Would you learn to let your speech be positive and not negative? And when you begin to be positive and not negative, it's amazing how communication will begin to flow.

But when you get negative, then that person is going to suffer from that trauma of transparency, and they're going to withdraw and go back. Now, let me say something else about their words. Not only are their words plentiful, and not only are their words personal, and not only are their words positive, but oh, my friend, their words are passionate. Look, for example, in chapter 2 and verse 8.

Just think how they've kept the honey in the honeymoon. The voice of my beloved. Behold, he cometh leaping upon the mountain, skipping upon the hills. My beloved is like a row or a young heart. Behold, he standeth behind our wall.

He looketh forth at the windows, gazing through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said unto me, Rise, my love, my fair one, and come away, for lo, the winter has passed, and the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, and the time of the singing of birds has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give forth fragrance. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

Oh, my dove, who art in the clefts of the rocks, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice, for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. May I say something to you here? Words of love may flow out of feeling, but not always. Most of the time, it is feeling that flows out of words.

If you don't believe it, don't deny it until you try it. Your words will sustain your marriage. Your words will repair hurt feelings. Your words will grow love.

Now, if you would just take these four simple things, and they're so simple. Their words are plentiful. Their words are personal. Their words are positive, and their words are passionate. And that, my dear friend, is the goal that God has given in the Holy Word for communication between husbands and wives.

Now, let me say this, my dear friend. This is not easy. In order to do this, you have to adjust. You see, the husband is the one probably who needs the adjustment most. In almost all marriage counseling, it is the husband that he won't talk. Now, she has a need for intimacy. As I've said before, she craves communication.

Did you know that I have found this about a woman, that she will sometimes push her husband into a corner just to get him to talk? I mean, she'll just keep on. She'll just keep coming. Just keep coming. Just keep coming until she gets him in a corner, and pow, he explodes.

And it's terrible. But she says, uh-huh, I've got his full attention. I've got his full attention. Now, she probably didn't do it for that reason, thinking it out. But subliminally, there is something in her that had rather have an argument than to be ignored. She wants communication. You know, men just don't want to talk. One woman said, the only time my husband speaks is when he wants food or sex or to change the channel.

Just don't talk. And I believe it's the men who need to talk. Have you ever noticed how many books there are on marriage and on intimacy and on communication?

I'll tell you the problem. The men don't read them. The women read them. But the men don't read them.

Now, why is it? I'm telling you there needs to be adjustment between men and women. There are so many natural barriers that keep we mule-headed men from communication, their emotional differences. And let me say this, lady. Your husband is not like you, and he never will be like you, and you need to accept that. And most of these books that are written on intimacy are written by women.

Did you know that? And the women's magazines. You read the women's magazines.

What are they about? Five ways to develop closeness in your marriage. How to have harmony in the home. Achieving intimacy with your lover. These are the women's magazines. What do the men's magazines say? How to remodel your garage. How to double your gas mileage.

How to make it big in the stock market. Hey, that's just the difference. You might as well admit there is a difference.

And there are background differences also. I mean, the boys are taught not to show their emotions, aren't they? Don't cry, son. Big boys don't cry.

Isn't that right? So we're told to be hard and not to show our emotions. There's a sign of weakness if we do that. And then there's the old macho myth. Boy, I'm telling you, you've got to be reliant, totally reliant.

And a part of that is the silence to show that you're in complete control. We would drive for a half an hour not knowing where we are rather than stopping at a service station to ask direction. Isn't that right? Why is that? You ought to say, Adrian, why don't you just pull over and ask? I don't need to ask. I know where I'm going. Well, you could ask. We're going to be late. Listen.

I know where I'm going. And I don't know. Why is that?

My dear friend, there's something in a man he wants to impress his mate. I'm in control. We know we're not. Well, you see, there's this problem. And men have to adjust, and it hurts. But women don't be too hard on us. You're weird too. I mean.

But let me say this. She needs to understand his feelings. He needs to try to understand hers. But we need to work on this thing of intimacy in marriage, and I'll tell you why. It gives an incredible freedom, and it's worth it. You'll never arrive at perfection, but you need to make a start if you want to have a great time.