Leaving a Legacy that Lasts Forever - Teach Them to Suffer Well, Part 2

Do you have memories that are so painful and difficult that you become an expert at actually shoving them down so you don't have to think about them? Would you like freedom from that pain? Would you like to see some real positive results come out of the suffering in your life? Today I'm going to share four insights that can transform how you respond to suffering. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. In just a minute Chip will pick up where he left off in our series, Leaving a Legacy That Lasts Forever, by continuing to talk about the complex subject of suffering. Last time Chip explained why our natural instinct is to limit or utterly avoid the pains of life, but in this program he challenges us to change that mindset and set a healthier example for our kids. So with that here's part two of Chip's talk, Teach Them to Suffer Well. My fear is we have unconsciously or in some ways consciously taught a whole generation of people that if you're really good and do the right stuff everything comes out your way and Jesus really is kind of like a self-help genie and what he wants to do is make you happy and wonderful and have no problems and if you have enough faith nothing will ever go wrong. Do you see how people get set up to be very bitter at God and very disappointed and feeling like God doesn't care because this is the truth.

So what you need to do is have a very specific game plan to teach your friends, your disciples, your children, your groups and your kids and grandkids how to suffer well. I was getting in my car with my son who was about early 20s at the time just beginning his musical career was sort of in the band stage of in the van riding all over doing what they call gigs and leading worship and little by little kind of making progress but he had a friend that he came up with and my garage was very loud many many years and John and Jason were always playing music and then they would bring it inside and there was keyboards here and keyboards here and the piano here and then John would bring his drums and their buddies would bring their electric guitars and somewhere I said something about pursue your passions in a moment of weakness and John was a young man. He was a prodigy. John played guitar, piano, violin, mandolin. John could pick up an instrument in two weeks he'd be playing it on stage and they would you know we had a little small Saturday night worship and so John and Jason you know even as young guys would help out and do that and John began to write some songs and as Jason said one time you know John had more musical ability in his little finger than in my whole body and my son Jason is sort of the focused persevering hard charging won't give up type personality and they just became fast friends and we would kid John. John was very thin I mean very very thin you know like John you know if you stick out your tongue we think it's a thermometer and you know all that kind of stuff and we would tease him and he milkshakes and tried to lift weights and he was just no matter what he did he was just you know you turn sideways John is gone and Jason was kind of traveling around and I'd come home and I'd gotten a phone call from his mom and dad said Chip John's over here in the hospital and they've run some tests and we now know why he's been so skinny so long and he's got a slow growing type of cancer and we're here his fiance's here could you come by and I remember sitting on the bed and looking at John and reading Psalm 46 out loud together and then going through about a nine or ten eleven month journey or so and then I remember getting in the car with Jason and John was musical and so the worship leader and two or three of us and my son and he he was looked like he had been in a concentration camp as the cancer had eaten him out he was probably 80 pounds and gaunt and it was the last day that he lived and we sang worship songs and then we left and John died the next day but I sat in the car with my son Jason and he looked at me and said dad why why would God do this to John I don't get it dad life's not fair dad I mean he's got more ability think how God could use him and I'm healthy and I have to try so hard that he can just do it why dad and we cried together in the car and then I could say son here's what you need to understand there's more to life than right now and I don't have a quick easy answer about John I don't understand but I can tell you it's a fallen world and in a fallen world good godly people get cancer and it's hard world and it's an unfair world but listen son God is good and God is in control and you just have a window of opportunity where we hurt and we grieve and we choose how we'll respond to suffering and I will just tell you that was one of the most profound teachable moments I've ever had with my son those whom you love how will they respond to suffering because they're going to get it right someone's going to walk out on them someone's going to betray him someone's going to talk about him someone's going to steal their money someone's going to talk about him in church right some of them are going to get cancer some drunk drivers going to go left to center some of them are going to have a kid that dies prematurely so are they prepared I mean in your spiritual will do you have days number one I will teach them to suffer well now I'm going to give some real practical ways about how to do that before I do I want to ask you a question how do you respond to suffering how do you respond to injustice how are you responding to some things your ex-mate has done to you how have you responded to losing your retirement how have you responded to the false accusations that were made about you at work or at church how have you responded to a physical infirmity that just seems unfair and no matter what you do you just can't get your health back because here here's the deal here's how here's how life works a disciple is not above his teacher and when a disciple is fully trained luke 640 he'll be just like his teacher and I would like to say that the way you do this is you write learn to suffer well I went to you know the seminar and here's the notes and here's how it works but I got news for you you know how they're going to you know how they're going to respond to their suffering the way they watch you you cannot impart what you don't possess modeling every thing we're going to talk about will be the most powerful means of communication because far more is caught than is ever taught and so I've asked myself so when I am suffering do I blame others do I whine am I the topic of conversations I'm a victim it's difficult he ran out on me this guy did this to me I can't believe this it's it's Hollywood's fault it's education's fault it's the president's fault it's Congress's fault well now it's the Supreme Court's fault wine wine wine victim victim victim is that how you respond or is it denial I'm just not gonna think about this I'm not gonna talk about this I'm just gonna bury it or is it anger bitterness lashing out or is it guilt you know some people respond to suffering I know I did something terrible I'm the most terrible person in the world it's all my fault I mean you know there's the whole cosmos but it's really all your fault and then you live with this guilt and then you pass that on and your kids or disciples or grandkids or friends they suffer in the way they watch you and if you're a whiner they whine if they feel guilty like watch you they feel guilty if you're a blamer and a screamer and a bitter and a denier that's what you're gonna produce so as much as we're gonna talk about how to pass on the things that matter most there's gonna be a pretty heavy-duty application about asking a pretty gut level question is boy I need to suffer well I need to manage my wealth wisely I need to work into the Lord I need to make great decisions right I need to be what I want them to become now that that's that's that's sobering but here's the deal you can't do it right I can't either it's impossible but Christ can do it in you and Christ can do it through you you know sometimes we listen to these commands of kindness like God I can't do that yay I mean I'm thinking you now you're on the right track so I need the strength of your word I need the community of your people I need to ask I need to trust I need to take steps and when you do that you can by the power and the grace of God suffer well and they will watch that it's not you but it's the Christ in you empowering you to do that and that's really what you want to pass on right now let's get real practical in terms of okay okay I got the theology chip now how does this work I mean you know roll up the sleeves with me how do you grow through suffering okay I know I need to do it I need to pass this on to kids and disciples to co-workers church members men's groups okay how do you do it let me give you you know four real practical ways number one teach them to face it to identify what they're concerned about teach him to face it I mean it sounds so basic help them to identify and here's the key word what they're concerned about we all tend to repress we all tend to avoid we all tend to deny things that are difficult and when we just do we just push them down and all the psychologists will tell us as we push down hard things 95% of all depression is anger turned inward a lot of our migraines a lot of our stomach problems a lot of our health issues are we suffer and I don't want to face it and so I push it down and that's a pattern you don't talk about that and things you don't share anything you don't ever you know in other words anything you say where you're being honest about where you're struggling like hey no complaining in this house hey we're gonna be positive around here well you need to be positive but you also need to be honest help them think about it help them talk about it help them write it down one of the most powerful questions I know and around our supper table growing up and with my wife on a regular basis we still do this little exercise ask them this question what are you concerned about and then by the way don't fix it don't interrupt and don't tell them that you shouldn't be concerned about that everything's gonna be okay duh that's not helpful the goal is not that you fix it what are you concerned about oh nothing well no no I mean just tell me I mean say it's one of the kids or teenager what are you concerned about I don't know well I mean you're in football tryouts are you concerned you might not make it yeah maybe well how's it going not very good well how come I dropped a bunch of passes in practice well how you feeling about that well even this young kid he's only a freshman man he was catching him and what are you concerned about and they shut up what are you concerned about what else what else what else I've grown kids now and they have little kids and I'm learning this there's this new world I like to hang out with my boys and I've always been able to kind of talk and we play basketball and do stuff and then we'd be sweaty we'd sit down and talk well now they got these little kids and every time around little kids little kids little kids hey look look you know I haven't had a meaningful adult conversation with my sons in like a year and a half I mean you know a snippet here a snippet here and Teresa and I were talking about this and so she came up with this plan I'll have everyone over for dinner and then I don't know how it wasn't like as don't it wasn't as well planned as I'm going to make this sound but the girls were kind of doing the dishes and this and that and we cleaned things up and they were in one room and somehow me and two of my sons ended up in the kitchen around one of those little counters and we've been talking it's not like it's all always superficial but I'm kind of one of those language of love guys I want to know what's really going on you know and and when we don't get there I just feel like we're going through the motions and and so it was a simple question I turned to my oldest son I said you know here in California moved out here a while who's your best friend and I mean his face just changes out that I don't have this friend because I've started this new business I got two young kids I got an awesome wife said dad I'm working from morning to night I'm putting in all these hours and you know this guy wants to go surfing and this guy can be kind of spiritual there's seven different people but I don't have a guy and he named two good guys that were real friends that we can go deep spiritually that want to go somewhere with their life that want to be committed to their wife and want to be a good dad I don't have that guy here and then we got down to life and then as we talked a little bit I said to my other son who's a who's a pastor and I said what's the biggest challenge you're facing right now and he gave me a little you know 25% response and then his other brother kind of had to leave and there's dynamics always I think forever with brothers and they're these guys are close and all that and as they left he started to share and I realized he and I got talking and they left I didn't get to say goodbye and he began for the next hour to unfold the biggest challenges in his heart his ministry and for an hour and we talked at a level that I haven't talked to him in a year teach them to face it and identify what they're concerned about second pray honestly about it and pray with them you need to model this they can't hear all your good theologically sanitized cleaned up prayers oh Lord I know that you are in control and that though it's a car wreck and they stole our money and will be in the hospital and they canceled our insurance I just want to tell you I just praise the Lord I just want to tell you Lord that I know you're in you know when's the last time they heard you say God I'm ticked off and it's unfair and why and I you know I've met with you and I love you and my priorities in order and this I don't get it I don't get it when's the last time they heard you pray the way Joe praise hey tell you what Lord come on right now let's argue about it and I've kept myself pure right now right now God or one of the lament Psalms why have you forsaken me where are you God you've been unfaithful I'm upset I'm hurt I mean you hear David pray he says stuff to God you know what he can handle it you need to vent I mean reverently but I'll tell you what God is near to those who call upon him Psalm 145 18 to those who call upon him in truth and when you hurt bring the pain when you're mad bring the anger the Lord is near to the brokenhearted he saves those who are crushed in spirit we play games we think God doesn't understand what's going on you don't connect with him until the real you shows up and you lay it all out and your disciples or your kids your grandkids need to hear some prayers like that to know it's legal and then God spoke to job didn't and boy job got a a lot bigger God and most of David Psalms end with and yet oh Lord when I look back you've been faithful and I thank you and I praise you and I didn't understand but I had to share this I had to get this out that's how you that's how you learn to suffer well what Hebrews describes Jesus who in his days on earth with loud groaning and cries calling out to God when's the last time you actually wept in the presence of the Lord when's the last time you prayed with someone you cried together this is this is very very important third help them to share where they're suffering with someone they trust as wonderful as you are and as wonderful as I am of course sometimes you're not the right person to help them sometimes it's an area and it's a concern and they they need someone else and so you need to say hey point him to some mentors that are older or wiser I praise God and my kids were teenagers that there was a youth pastor that was godly that they would tell stuff to him they'd never tell to me there's times where one of my sons had a had a mentor in our church and he happened to be a counselor and you know what there's some issues that you know he was working through I'm not I kind of think I know what my some of them might be they're the kind you're not really excited to share with your dad and this guy and he they'd meet and drink coffee and talk and share and then go surfing and I've watched my daughter with you know godly women involved in ministry just make connections you know what you want to do is help orchestrate what God's doing but you don't have to do it all so mentors second is peers and part of that is is let them in on your struggles I was talking with my son who's a songwriter and producer and by God's grace he's become extraordinarily successful and he's now experiencing oh my lands this person from American Idol wants to write music for me because she's a Christian but my I'm already booked so I'm working from seven until four and she's gonna fly in for two days and from six to two in the morning I'm gonna write with her and and well then this has happened and this is happening and God dad what do you do when the blessing of God is success my priorities get totally out of whack I'm exhausted I could have built in some and when we talked on the phone for 45 minutes about hey son been there and done that let me just tell you something those great opportunities are are not like they're never gonna come around again it's a faith issue and for people that are wired like you and me Satan puts the brakes on some people to discourage him and for people like us that I don't think the brakes of work he just pushes on the gas pedal and he gets people like you and me so overloaded doing really good things that we crash and so and then I shared some crashes and then finally there's times where we need to direct them to a pastor or professional counselor everybody gets stuck and if you've ever been to one make sure your kids grandkids disciples when I teach on marriage I always try in the first session to let everybody know in the first year and a half of my marriage I had to go to marriage counseling and then about five years later I had to go back again I just want to get that on the table because somehow they think that if you really love God you try really hard we'd never need outside help you need outside help when you're stuck I mean if I'm putting in a window and I know a little bit about putting in windows I go into Home Depot and I get this and I get this and I get stuck I don't go oh my gosh well I gotta figure this all out myself I'm gonna go down and say hey you know is there someone like with an orange vest that really knows about windows well buddy we've told you all that you know look here's the name of Anderson windows this guy's a pro haven't come out to your house he's got to fix the thing that you messed up I try to do windows I can't do windows so am I ashamed to ask an expert to get help when I'm stuck of course not your kids your disciples your grandkids your friends they need to know there's a time where you know go to go to a pastor go to professional counselor and then finally help them align specific scripture with their specific situation now I'm gonna give you some things here and a lot of them are not in your notes so I'll try and go slow this is the key in terms of you want to match what are they going through with truth because it's as you trust the promises of God that's that's what faith is by the way and it's by faith we experience God's grace and suffering imagine suffering is sort of like this overarching you know sort of like rainbow but underneath of it there may be four or five maybe far more there's different reasons we suffer and if I suffer for this reason here's the passage that I want okay you tracking with me so let me give you just four or five examples first say let's say I have a negative circumstances or a trial okay the economy goes down I had money whether it's in retirement or for college education and it's gone here's the passage James chapter 1 verses 2 to 4 consider it all joy when you counter various trials knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance let endurance have its perfect result that you might be lacking in nothing so it's external circumstances okay choose to have this kind of attitude realize there's a process God's going to take you through or second how about refining your character you know you haven't done anything wrong you're suffering it doesn't make sense but you sense you're really growing Romans chapter 5 verses 1 to 5 therefore having justified by faith we have peace with God and we exalt and hope with the glory of God and we exalt not only in this but in our what tribulation knowing that tribulation produces about perseverance and perseverance proven character proven character produces hope and hope produces love as the Holy Spirit is poured into our life there's certain times you're suffering because you're so precious in God's eyes that he's allowing a process of drawing you in intimacy and suffering so that's so you respond in gratitude of God's work a third time you suffer a spiritual opposition I mean you you're man you're making tracks for God you're sharing your faith you've taken a new step of faith you're getting in the Bible you're taking a risk you're saying God I'm going to do some stuff with my time my money and you are doing some things that is exposing the darkness well Ephesians chapter 6 10 through 18 teaches you how to deal with that kind of difficulty and suffering in spiritual warfare or sometimes what it's persecution you know you stood up for Christ and man you're getting all this flack on a college campus you're getting all this flack at work or you lose your job because you know you're a doctor and you won't do the abortion or you're a legal person and you won't lie about something in a situation the passage 2 Timothy 3 12 the promises for all those who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted and then finally there's times where you're suffering because like me you make some bad choices right or you just sin you know you say what you shouldn't have said you thought what you shouldn't have thought you did what you knew was wrong and then there's consequences and then you want to go to Romans chapter 6 where it talks about presenting your members and then first Corinthians 10 13 where no temptation has taken you but such is common to man but God will with the temptation provide a way of escape that you might be able to endure so what you want to do is begin to coach the kids coach the disciple coach the grandkid coach the lady coach the guy what you want to pass on is here is suffering there's at least five different reasons maybe more and here's the promise you can hang on to and here's the truth to apply very specifically life message very simple suffering is normal that's what you want them to get that's the message when they're suffering they want to say oh this is normal it's not fun but it's normal it will be experienced by all it will either make or break those we love and so teach them to suffer well you're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and the message you just heard teach them to suffer well is from our series leaving a legacy that lasts forever Chip will be back to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute throughout history moms and dads have been responsible for guiding their kids spiritually emotionally and mentally but as you look around today's society the family unit is falling apart and young people are more confused about life's purpose and morality than ever so how can we fix this problem well in this 10-part series Chip's going to help us re-establish a Christ-centered joy-filled home by highlighting five biblical habits parents need to pass on to their sons and daughters learn the intentional ways you can build a godly legacy in your family from generation to generation now if you've missed any part of this series catch up through Living on the Edge org or the chipping remap well chips join me in studio now and Chip before you come back with some specific application for this message you had a special word for moms and dads listening so take a minute and talk to him thanks Dave you know as a parent and a grandparent there is nothing I'm more concerned about than my children my grandchildren and I desperately want them more than anything else to live a life where they really walk with God where they stand for the truth but what I see is it's so difficult in the world that we live in what they watch what they see is hostile to the gospel and so here at Living on the Edge we are absolutely committed to reaching the next generation to discipling them and helping them and and if you're one of those people that care about the next generation the way that I do would you be willing to become a monthly partner with Living on the Edge and what I want you to know is when you invest in Living on the Edge when you pray and when you specifically financially support us it empowers us to come alongside parents and grandparents and even pastors to help them help the next generation live out their faith in a world that is so hostile to it and when that happens God does a great work I'd like to invite you to become a monthly partner with Living on the Edge thanks chip so if that idea makes sense to you we'd love for you to join us your regular dependable support multiplies our efforts and resources in amazing ways become a monthly partner today by going to Living on the Edge org or texting donate to 741 41 that's the word donate to 741 41 app listeners tap donate and thanks in advance for doing whatever God leads you to do well here again this chip with a few final words to wrap up this message as we close today's program you know we're talking about coaching your kids or coaching those that you're discipling we're really going to help people to suffer well well let me tell you something the number one way you're going to help people suffer well is to model that and I mean this is unusual I mean really model it Paul said in Philippians 1 at the very end of the chapter for it's been granted to you not only to believe in him but also to suffer for his sake our tradition doesn't have a very good grasp of leaning into and counting as precious suffering for Christ as a gift back to him and saying you've suffered for me I get to believe in you I get the heavenly reward I get your spirit living in me but I also get the privilege of suffering with you and when you suffer with Christ I hate to say this but that's probably when the most significant work is going to happen in your life and it's when your kids and when your friends watch how you go through it that will make the biggest impact on their life and I've just kind of gotten it down to when I go through difficult times and I know people are watching me just like they're watching you they're either going to see a victim's response or a victor's response and so many of us have this whiny poor me it's so difficult life is so hard I don't know why this is happening to me oh you know I guess I've done something wrong or maybe I haven't done something wrong and this is so unfair and and you know we whine and whine and whine now don't get me wrong I think we need to be honest with our feelings but you need to get that out of our system and then say okay God give me the grace I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength you know we are either a victor or we're a victim and you get to make that choice and let me just tell you model that for your kids be the Joseph that says and the Lord was with Joseph even in prison even in betrayal model that by his grace and you will pass on how to suffer well good word Chip and as we close I want you to know that as a staff we ask the Lord to help you take whatever your next faith step is now if there's a way we can help we'd love to do that give us a call triple eight three three three six zero zero three is our number or connect with us at Living on the Edge dot org and while you're there take a moment and look through our resources on various topics many of them absolutely free well until next time this is Dave Drewley saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.