How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World - Guess Who's Behind Families that Thrive, Part 2

Would you like to see your family relationships improve?

You know, genuinely love each other, like talk with each other with respect and kindness? Raising a healthy family isn't impossible, but it does require some counterculture thinking. Today we're going to talk about one of the key people behind families that thrive.

Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. I'm Dave Drouy, and we're currently in the middle of Chip's series, How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World. As a quick reminder, if you miss a portion of this program, let me encourage you to catch up through the Chip Ingram app.

It's a great way to listen to Living on the Edge anytime. Now, last time Chip revealed that a godly woman is the person behind a thriving family. We learned that her influence as a wife and mother is incredibly valuable. Now, as we get started, Chip continues to unpack the specific qualities of a godly woman laid out in Proverbs 31.

With that, let's join Chip for today's message. The fifth and final one in terms of her character is God looks down and he goes, when I see a woman's godliness, her character, her encouragement, her love, first in her marriage, in her home, her work, her ministry, but lastly in planning and priorities. This is a very interesting passage. When it snows, she has no fear for her household, for they're all clothed in scarlet. Circle the word scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed, underline the word for her bed, and she is clothed in fine linen and purple, underline linen and purple. There's three things where I get she is a wise planner and has great priorities. That word scarlet in Hebrew, the word, it has a picture of something that's double folded.

And it can mean scarlet, but it can mean double folded. And I think the translation, it's not like all her kids had red stuff on. It's what she didn't have any fear because what she did is she planned ahead and she knows her kids are going to be warm like all you do, right? Winter's coming, school closed time, all the kids have what they need. The second, she makes coverings for her bed.

This is not like she was into embroidery. What a wise woman understands is you have small kids, he's working, and especially if you're working, you have no time together. And what happens is your romantic life can go down the tubes.

When your romantic life goes down the tubes, then pretty soon a distance occurs in your relationship. Here's a woman who says, I'm going to plan in times for us to make love. I'm going to keep our love life alive.

And the other research, and I don't know why we're wired this way, there's few things a man feels more empowered and loved and actually even what happens in the brain when he makes love with his wife in terms of opening up, being understanding, and being engaged. And so this woman says, you know what? I've got a plan. I'm going to plan for my kids.

I'm going to plan for my husband. And you ready for this? She's clothed in fine linen and purple. This is nice.

This is a luxury item. A Jewish woman in fine purple and in linen, which probably came from Egypt, is like woo. She's taking care of herself. She looks good. She realizes yeah, I have to help the kids. I've got all these demands, but my life matters.

Here's the application. Give her permission to be good to herself. My wife is such a responsibility-oriented person and we were really, really poor most all the early years growing up. And I mean, we got, I remember we had like $300 total in savings. And for us that was great. It was a lot better than zero. And I remember taking $20 and I gave it to her and I said, honey, you care so much for the kids and you do this, you do this. Would you just take this $20?

It may not be a lot now, but for us it was a lot. Just go do something for yourself. I mean, I don't know, your nails, your hair, go do something for yourself. Two weeks later I find out she gave part of it away and then spent the rest on kids. And we had a big argument. I said, honey, you know what?

You know what that comes out of? You still believe in these lies. You think everything and everyone else is more important to you.

Now, there's some of you ladies that you have stuff in the closet that you bought that you haven't even opened and a good day is going to the mall and buying more shoes. This part of the message is not for you. Pause.

Okay, so guys, lighten up here. There's some of you, however, that you feel like all you hear is I need you, I need you, I need you. You meet everyone else's needs and then over time you feel resentful. And your life ends up like there's all these needs and so I'm in a hurry and I put my hair in a ponytail and I put on a baseball cap. I don't put on any makeup and I got to get the kids here then I'm going to go here, I'll change later and I've got sweatpants. And so you have a life where pretty soon that becomes habitual and then because you don't feel good about yourself, you feel a little better when you eat some stuff.

And so you eat some stuff and gain some weight you don't like and pretty soon you're looking in the mirror of someone with no makeup, with sweatpants, who's gained a little bit of weight and you don't like you. And guys, you've got to step in. You've got to say, you matter. And ladies, you have to believe, here's God's view, you are valuable, you are precious, you are worthy. And you know what, you should have some nice stuff and you should take care of you. And that's why your husband ought to take you out of town a couple times a year minimum. And that's why there ought to be a part of the budget, yes, the kid needs shoes and the kids need that.

They've got enough sports equipment to float a ship. You've got money for this, you've got money for that, we've got money for that. How about, what does your wife need? What's the mother need? And why don't we set aside some money that she feels deeply valued, you are worthy as evidence. Anybody ever got a promotion without a raise?

Have you ever had one of those? You are doing such a great job, we esteem you so much, this used to be your job and now it's your new job. And there's 50 cents more an hour, hope you enjoy it.

What's the emotion? I got more responsibility, I can get a raise. No matter what our words say, the time in your job when someone connects money with your value, all of a sudden, three more bucks an hour? Or we just bumped you to this level and by the way, here's all the new benefits. Some of your wives need a raise.

What's the impact? This is such a high calling for women but it's such a strong calling for us men and for children. When a woman progressively lives out a faith like this over time, where she walks with God and this is the kind of marriage and by the way, she does it, she's good to him when he's not so good to her. We men sometimes are a little slow and this is what I do in my home, this is what I do in ministry, here's what I do at work, here's the impact. Three things, one, in her marriage, her husband is respected at the city gates where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. A godly woman has incredible impact on her husband's character and therefore his whole life.

I jotted in my notes here. I've had to go to lots of schooling and I had to learn Hebrew and Greek and been mentored by some great people. I will tell you, the number one impact in all my life is my wife.

Her integrity, her prayer life and the way she has run her home has shaped everything. I'm sort of the means justify the ends personality, you know, close is good enough, very insecure, wanting to impress people and so the very first church was 35 people and I mean I'm up all night with my messages and so we did a Bible study for kids in the neighborhood and we had blacks and whites and Hispanics and all kind of different kids and I took them all to church and, you know, when you bring 25 kids to a church it's only 35 people, it made some waves and I was trying to tell them that we have to care about this community and I was, you know, in my most passionate self and I said we had 50 kids here last weekend and some of you don't even care about these kids and, you know, I thought I really had a good weekend. Boy, boy, man, I'm gonna tell them, you know, so then we're in the car and she's real quiet and, you know, I'm just a young insecure pastor, I'm now an older insecure pastor and but so you kind of want to hear from your wife like, you know, how did I do, you know, silence. So, hate to have to ask for it, what do you think? Silence.

Finally she turns to me. Why did you lie in church today? What? Why did you lie in church today? That's what I mean, I didn't lie in church. You said there were 50 kids, Chip, we counted them, there was 37. I said I rounded.

How do you round up 13? I would love to say that's the only time I have lived my whole life with someone that more on a few occasions has said, why did you lie? I just exaggerated.

I don't think God calls it exaggeration. You know, after about three years it was just forget it. I'm just not going to, I'm not even going to exaggerate anymore.

It's not worth it. And you know that end justifies the means. I mean, you live with this high integrity person so like, oh my gosh, I just, I guess I'll have to be honest in little things.

Guess what that does? Changes the course of your life. She's prayed hours for me and for our kids through huge times of marriage that I think deep in my heart I wondered if we'd make it through.

We've had times with our kids where I wondered if our kids would ever walk with God or be in a good place. Ladies, here's what you need to understand. You are such the core of any success that we have in our application is that we need to remind her of her role in your success. Most people don't know my wife started the radio ministry. You say really? Yeah. We were doing five services and I was getting burned out and she got a prayer partner.

She goes every week we're going to pray God takes the message outside the walls because it's killing my husband like this. At the end of one year, some guy I never met came in and said, hey, I think you sound pretty good to be good on radio. I said, I don't want to go on radio.

I don't listen to radio. And the businessman said, I think it's a good idea too. I said, well, if you guys want to make it happen, go ahead. But I'm overwhelmed as it is. And it got birthed because she prayed. And who would have ever dreamed years later that millions of people would find Christ and would grow in Christ because a woman saw a need and did something that no one will probably ever know about unless they listen to this message now. And you know what?

That's the impact. She needs to hear that. And men understand.

Any success you have or ever will have is rooted in this relationship. Second, her work. She makes notice linen garments.

She sells them and supplies them to merchants with sashes. As time and priorities change and a woman has more freedom and they have different energy and different passions and there's different seasons for them, here's what I would say. Cooperate with her creativity and her life transitions. Cooperate with her creativity and her life transitions.

I've watched attorneys take five, six, seven years off, raise their kids and they go back into practice. I've met all kind of people that have all kind of things and those transitions are very difficult. And usually there's feelings of what am I going to do now because I've figured out how to be a mom and I get such fulfillment and I have four kids, for those of you who don't know me very well, and they're spread out. My oldest twins are 13 years older than my daughter. But I mean, that makes you parent for a long time like that. And I remember when Annie was, I mean, not just out, but I mean, she's now this adult. She's on her own. All her kids are done. And I'm thinking great.

And you know, they love God. This is wonderful. More time for us.

Let's go. But being the sensitive husband that I am, I thought I'll probably give her a few months to adjust. And so she was kind of mopey and grieving and struggling. So after three months I said, are you just going to mope around forever?

I mean, look at all this new time we have and the house is empty and we can do whatever we want and let's, hey, let's. And we had our empty nest. It was not pretty. We had about nine or 10, 12, 13 months that we were not on the same page. And I was honestly, I was resentful and hacked off. Like, can you not get with the program here?

You know, so you care about kids that aren't here more than me that is here. Guys, they feel that way. And then in her great wisdom, she said, Chip, can I ask you a question? She did it at the right time. You know, I was clothed in my right mind. I was ready to listen. You know, one of those rare moments. Can I ask you a question?

Oh, sure. She said, what if 24 hours like this time tomorrow, you could no longer speak, no longer write, and no longer be a pastor? How would you feel?

Ooh, never thought of it that way. I'd have to reorient my entire life. And she looked at me with tears coming down. She goes, now you get my life. For 30 years, my world has been around packing lunches, getting kids ready, sports teams, development, school, organizing my world around all the crazy stuff that you do. And I've given my life to that. And I've loved it.

It's been the most fulfilling thing ever. And I love our kids. And I'm so excited for them.

And I'm glad they're out of the house. But my world completely changed. And I'm sad. And I don't know what the next season looks like.

And I'm not sure how to figure it out. And just running around the world with you is not really what I had in mind. And I remember I just, in a rare moment of maturity, decided I'm going to shut up. And I'm going to give her as much time as she needs.

And I'm not going to make a lot of suggestions. And I'm going to respond when she asks a question. And I'm going to realize life transitions. But it's not just empty nest. You know, the first child, man, that's a big transition. More than one child, big transition. Coming home from work or going back into work, big transition. Teenagers, woo, big transition. You going through your ups and downs. The death of mom or dad, big transition. Mom's got Alzheimer's. Dad left her.

Big transition. We got to understand part of our role in loving the women that God has given us is to be on their team and cooperate with their both creativity and transitions. And then finally here in her world, I love this, she's clothed with strength and dignity. Notice it doesn't give the size of dress or if there's any logos.

She's clothed with things you can't see. Strength. Character. Godliness. Faith. Wisdom. Love. Compassion.

Things that no one can take away and no one can buy. Dignity. She's class. She laughs at the days to come.

Why? Because she trusts God. She has a sovereign God. She's developed the faith. She's a woman of the word. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. The mouth always speaks for that which fills the heart. This is a woman that's godly.

People want to know what do you think about this and could we meet together and could we get tea or could we get coffee and I'm having a struggle over here or one of my kids is going through this over here. People are seeking her out. She watches over the affairs of her household and doesn't eat the bread of idleness. The application focus on compliments on her inner character not simply her external behavior. In essence God says her marriage, her work and her world is a way better place because she is a woman who walks with God, who loves her husband, who runs her home, who works at appropriate times in the appropriate way, who ministers to people and there's a woman that fears God and notice her reward. Her children arise and call her blessed. Her husband also and he praises her. Words of affirmation. Many women do noble things but you surpass them all.

Your wife or your mom needs to feel like that. You surpass them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting.

It's a shame but it's true. There's not enough cream or enough surgeries to keep us the way we want to look but a woman who fears God is to be praised. Command. Give her the reward that she has earned more than just on one day and let her works bring praise at the city gates.

That's where the action is in Hebrew culture. Private affirmation, public acknowledgement. God would say, ladies, you are precious and you matter and it is not based on how you look or what you accomplish. It will be based on who you really are, the kind of person, the kind of woman that is kind and loving and patient and selfless and holy and just. In the end, our wives, our daughters, our mothers, our grandmas and our sisters need to know that character is more important than curves, that integrity is more important than influence, likes and Instagram, that purity is more important than popularity, that godliness is more important than glitter and that commitment actually is more important than cosmetics and that love at the end of the day will be way more important than looks. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, Guess Who's Behind Families That Thrive, from his series, How to Raise a Healthy Family in a Modern World. As many of us know, raising a family these days comes with lots of challenges and raising a healthy Christian family is becoming increasingly more difficult to do. So what hope do moms and dads have? Through this short series, Chip unpacks how parents can create a home that's built on love, respect and most importantly, the Bible. Don't miss the ways you can establish a well-adjusted countercultural family that may look odd to some but truly honors God. Now, if you happen to miss any part of this series, the Chip Ingram app is a great way to catch up any time.

Well, Chip's with me in studio now. And Chip, I know that over your many years as a pastor, you've made encouraging parents a priority. And boy, do moms and dads need a lot of support nowadays. Now to help meet that need, we've developed a great resource called Intentional Parenting Cards.

Would you take just a minute and talk about those? Well, Dave, I got to tell you, I am super excited about these cards because I just know as a parent, you know, I did a lot of research and I tried to work really hard to be intentional, but I always didn't know like intentional about what. And what these cards do is they provide a simple way to stay on track as a parent. In other words, it talks about how do you develop strong belief or be a role model or make sure that encouraging words are a part of your family life or genuine affection.

There's just like four or five cards and you review a section of them, you know, just every day for like a week or so. And then pretty soon you find yourself, hey, I'm building into my kids their belief or delicate discipline or or active responsibility or I love one serious fun. And what they are, they're 10 different areas and they have very pithy, clear, specific ways to be an intentional parent where over time as you just review these, instead of trying hard one day or taking some course, you are renewing your mind and focusing your life each and every week around one area that here's what I'll tell you. When you are genuinely affectionate, when you provide encouraging words, when you discipline delicately, when you build strong beliefs, what happens is over time, you're an intentional parent with children who respond in very positive ways. These intentional parenting cards are a tool that allows us in a fast paced world to do as parents what we want to do and build into the lives of our kids the way we want to do it. I can't encourage you enough to get a set of these cards and put them into practice.

Thanks, Chip. Well, if you're wanting to be more deliberate about your calling as a parent or grandparent, let me encourage you to order a set of our intentional parenting cards. They cover 10 specific ways to help you be the mom or dad your kids so desperately need. To order your set of intentional parenting cards, just go to livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003 or visit livingontheedge.org. App listeners tap special offers. Well, with that, Chip, let's get to your application. What did you want to highlight from today's message? I want to take a minute and I want to go over that little list that I gave you at the very end. It's not on your notes.

I know a lot of you love to go to the website and download the notes for free and there's some good stuff there. But I shared some things in this message that I don't have in the notes and I'm really speaking specifically to parents and even more specifically to men, dads, brothers, grandfathers. I made this little parallel point and counterpoint about what we communicate to women.

Day after day after day, they are bombarded with lies that you are how you look, that you are how many likes you get, you are what school you get in, you are your grades, you are this, you are that. And as I close it, I came up with a few little catchy phrases that helped me remember what I wanted to praise in my wife and my daughter and into the young women that I come across in my life. I talked about character is more important than curves, that integrity is more important than influence, that purity is more important than popularity, that godliness is more important than glitter, that commitment is more important than cosmetics, and love is more important than looks.

And here's what I would remind you. You always get what you praise. You always get what you reward. And as men, sometimes we unconsciously keep praising the things that the culture is praising and we're doubling down on the message. Of course, so I tell my wife, you look beautiful today, or to my daughter, you look so lovely.

Of course, I do. What I want you to know is that over the years, I've tried with high intentionality to use words that praise their character, their integrity. I'm so proud of the effort that you made.

I'm so proud that you didn't cave in when everyone else was wearing those really dresses that were super immodest and you looked great, but you really had your integrity. I'm so glad the way that you loved your brother. What we need to do is think of the one or two women in our lives right now, men, and they need to get a text, a phone call.

Are you ready? Even pull out a napkin at a fast food place and jot a note of all the things about who they are, their character, their love, their purity and integrity. And you write that down and in some way, you affirm that in their life more than anything else.

And what you'll find is you'll help a woman become a woman of God. Thanks Chip. Just before we go, I want to say thanks to those of you who support this program through your generous financial support. Your gifts help us reach countless lives around the globe with the Word of God. Now, if you haven't given to us before, but you'd like to be part of that work, there's never been a better time. Between now and July 7th, every gift we receive will be matched dollar for dollar. To send a donation, go to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or go to livingontheedge.org. App listeners tap donate and let me thank you in advance for your generosity. Until next time, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.