Keeping Love Alive - Volume 2 - Effectively Communicating (God's Love to Your Mate), Part 2

How often do you and your spouse really talk? I don't mean chit-chat or talk about, you know, what do we do with the kids or the weather or logistics. I mean, how often with your husband or with your wife do you have a heart-to-heart conversation that you walk away and say, wow, such a deep connection. That was wonderful.

If you want help in having more of that, then stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drury, and the mission of these daily programs is to intentionally disciple Christians through the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. Thanks for being with us as Chip picks up where he left off last time in his series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 2, by focusing on how couples can better communicate, a skill we all need a refresher on from time to time. As a quick reminder, if you miss a portion of this program, let me encourage you to catch up through the Chip Ingram app.

It's a great way to listen to Living on the Edge anytime. If you have a Bible, turn now to Colossians chapter 3 for part 2 of Chip's message, Effectively Communicating God's Love to Your Mate. Put on a heart of patience. It means to endure with a good attitude. 2 Peter 3.9 says, you know, people, he was talking about, you know, he's coming back. And everyone goes, yeah, yeah, right, he's coming back.

You've been saying that for a long time. And Peter says, you don't understand. God is not slow as some think slow. For to him, a day and a thousand years is the same. He is patient, macro thumos. Can you hear the two words? Macro thumos, heat.

It's dispersed. He wants all to be saved, to all to come to repentance. It's putting up with, enduring, one more time, one more time. I'm not going to give up.

We're going to keep working at this. Jesus was patient with the disciples. Do you realize the only time, read all the gospels, and then list all the things he criticizes them for. All the times he comes down on, criticizes them. We get one clear time when Peter gets very self-focused in his agenda, in his kingdom. I can't imagine Jesus looking you right in the eyeballs and saying, get behind me, Satan. The only time he reproves them is, oh, you of little faith. Did you ever wonder, so what does God really want from me?

How do you become a good Christian? I mean, what's he really, really want? You ready for this? They asked him that in John 6. He said, this is the work of God that you believe in whom he has sent.

You know the greatest question you can ask yourself every single day? You might write this down. What does it look like to trust God in this situation? What does it look like to trust God with how he is acting right now? What's it look like to trust God with these finances? What's it look like to trust God with this deployment? What's it look like to trust God when the biopsy report comes back?

Positive. What's it look like to trust God with a wayward child? What's it look like to trust God when you don't like where you live? What's it look like to trust God with overcoming the infidelity of your mate? What's it look like to trust God with the infidelity that you had and the guilt that you share?

See, you can be moral, you can go to church, you can read your Bible. Without faith, it's impossible to please Him. Faith is nothing more or nothing less is believing in God's character and God's promises to the point of acting on them. Faith isn't some ooey-gooey feeling.

Oh, I think I got it. I think I got faith. I believe you.

I believe you. Faith is a picture of a bridge and we think faith is this rickety bridge like on one of those Indiana Jones movies and there's missing pieces and they're superheroes and, oh, we're going to make it. And they take two steps and they almost fall through and then they get to the other side and we think, oh, Indiana Jones Christians, they have such faith. That's not faith. This is faith biblically.

Steel, concrete's three feet thick. It's the object of your faith. God says this will hold me up.

Let's walk across. That's why you don't need a lot of faith. Jesus said you need the faith of a mustard seed. It's the object of your faith.

What if there is an all-powerful, all-knowing God who died, rose from the dead, who dwells inside of you and the same power that raised him from the dead dwells inside of you and apart from him you can do nothing, but in Christ you can do all things. And you just say, okay, I can forgive him. Okay, well, I guess we'll cut our budget and I don't know how we're going to make it financially, but we're going to keep moving forward.

Okay? It's a wayward child. We can't control him. We're going to trust God. We're going to get good counseling. Here's the path. Lord, you love him more than we do.

You love her more than we do. It's faith. Patience.

I have a little tool because you're thinking, how could I practically, Chip, this sounds good. Hard. By the way, it's not hard.

Okay? Don't, don't, don't look at this list and go, oh, that's hard. It's not hard. It's impossible. No, no, you need to understand that. Now you can, I mean, you can put in some effort and you could do a little bit better on these out of your strength, but after it won't take long, maybe a couple of weeks for some of you really, you know, hardcore people, disciplined people, self-starter people.

But two weeks, if you don't see results after doing these, you'd give up. This is not hard. It's impossible. The only way to do this is what you need to believe. I'm chosen. I'm holy. I'm dearly loved. I'm keep getting from God each and every day, everything I need.

So I can, are you ready? Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. I'm going to give you just a little tool. You can write it at the bottom of the page.

I call this little tool. I know you really care when. Okay.

Just write that. I know you really care when. Because some of you are thinking, I want to be compassionate and I want to be gentle and okay, Chip, I really want to be all this, but I'm not sure what it would look like. I can't read her mind.

I can't read his mind. Here's, here's what you do. There's a little column and you know, if you're a husband, you write, I know you really care. Speaking to your wife when you one, two, three. Just, just write the top three.

You can go five if you want, but I mean, give her a break. Just write. I feel loved when you and just write the top three things that when she does them, you feel loved. Ladies, you write, here's the top three things.

You can go four or five. I feel most loved when you and just write them. And then just exchange lists. So we've made this whole thing about, it has to be so spontaneous and if he could read my mind or if she would only know, you know, I did this with my wife.

We were struggling. I think the counselor gave us this tool. Okay. Everything I give you, I got out of counseling. So, so, but it's like, okay, here's the top thing. When you take out the trash, when you help with this, when you help with the kids' homework, I'm thinking, what in the world just got to do with love?

And finally I said, it doesn't matter what I think. If this makes her feel loved, guess what? I love her. Guess what? I made a vow.

Guess what? I'm committed to her. So she made a list and I just decided I'm going to do at least one of those things every day. If nothing else, at least, you know, every day she is going to get loved by me with some compassion and gentleness and vice versa. Try it.

You'll like it. Okay. Shift the page because what I have said to you so far can only happen if something else happens. This is the clothing metaphor. That word put on, put off, put on, put off.

Here's what you need to get. You cannot put on the new until you take off the old. Notice what he says here. The clothing metaphor is crucial to biblical communication.

Old clothes must be taken off. Open your Bible if you're not already there. We're in Colossians chapter three. And after he says to set your mind on the things above, he says, put to death. I'm in verse five, whatever belongs to your earthly nature.

Well, what's that? Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, which is idolatry. Why? Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. And then he reminds them, like he reminds us, you used to walk in these things in the life that you once lived. Now get this, here's the new, but now you must rid yourselves of such things as anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language from your lips.

Do not lie to each other. Why? Since you have taken off, it's a metaphor, your old self with its practices.

But that's not the end of it. And have put on the new self, which is being renewed, mind renewal. How?

In the knowledge, in the image of its creator. You have to take off the old. Old life of anger, logging on to porn, flirting with other people, spending money I don't have. Yelling, screaming, abusive language, wanting my own way. Get rid of it all.

That's what he's saying. And put on, put on the new self. It's a journey.

It's a process. You renew your mind. You ask, who are the people in my life that keep pulling me that way? What am I putting into my mind? Whether it's on a video, whether it's Netflix, whether it's porn, whether it's a relationship that keeps telling me, hey, why don't you come with us and do this? Whether it's a temptation. Remember the passage where Jesus said, if your right eye is causing you to sin, pluck it out.

Remember that one? Now, some people took that literally, which is very foolish, because if you pluck out your right eye, I have got news for you. You can lust with your left. If your right hand causes you to sin, what do you say? Cut it off. Well, I got news.

You can still steal with your left hand. It was an idiomatic expression, but here's what he was saying. You be as radical as you need to be to take off the impurities and the things that pull you away from first the Lord Jesus and second from your most important relationships. I remember a guy called me that I knew fairly well, and he talked about an emotional affair he was having, a godly man, great family, found himself in this. If you don't want to be too graphic here, but often when affairs happen, it's just crazy. There's this chemistry like a magnet towards someone. And by the way, the Proverb says is that the enemy uses these kind of things to undermine.

He wants to destroy you, destroy your marriage. And he was right here. He goes, you know, I find myself dressing a little better. I think about her.

We both know when I'm next to her. And he goes, Chip, I'm calling you. I didn't even want to talk to my pastor.

What should I do? I said, be as radical as you need to be. I said, if you need to quit your job, God has another job, but what I'll tell you, this will destroy your life. He said, yeah, I mean, this is getting, this is getting, I know where this is going. We both talked about it. We both talked about the impact. And by the way, when your emotions get here, your IQ drops by 100 points.

I kid you not. Infatuation causes you to think things, do things and perceive things in ways that only idiots think. And then you wake up alone and with half your money going somewhere else and with kids who said, I thought you loved me and a mate whose, whose life you made a vow to.

And you're in the process of ruining. I've lived on the other side. I bet it was 15 years of a journey of healing, of watching my wife overcome what it was like to be rejected by this unbeliever. I watched what it did to my little boys. I still remember the emotional connection. They were 11 years old and I went to my mentor and I said, I'm really, really trying to be a great dad. It's been six years and you know, we're, we're, we're fine. But you know, that connection, that connection, that connection said, chip, do you understand what they've been through?

I said, intellectually. I said, what do I do? He just looked at me, love them. Just love them. Just keep loving them.

So I don't know where you're at, but I can tell you for sure your marriage will be something you never dreamed it could be. And it won't be easy if you put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. But you can't put that on unless you take off anger and rage and malice and slander and abusive speech.

I have videos that go in my mind of when I've done those things, acted that way, felt those emotions, put it off. Now let's get real positive because many of you are very convicted right now and you know what you need to put off. So I'm not going to take you off the hook. All right. But don't go to bed tonight. You hear me?

Don't eat. This is, this is an order from the commander in chief of the universe and it's not because he's mad. He wants to rescue you. Listen to him.

Do what he says, but here's what I want you to get. The new self requires new clothes. Here's the principle. Who we are determines how we dress. Now, all of you were a bride.

Do you remember that day? You were the bride. So because you were the bride, how did you dress? How did you dress? I mean, you spent at least four hours. I still remember I've had three boys and a girl, so I've only had one wedding where I got really inside. I mean, my lands, they did her hair, they did her nails, they did the dress.

It was like a four or five hour getting ready. Why? Because she wanted to be beautiful and awesome for her husband. Who you are determines how you dress. Who are you? You're a daughter of the living God.

You're a son of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. So how do you dress? You dress in a way that's appropriate.

I want you to imagine in your mind's eye, and maybe some of you have been there, but you're going to receive the Distinguished Medal of Honor. How would you dress for the occasion? Jeans? Flip-flops? I don't think so. See, you dress.

That's why. I can give you tools galore. I can give you all kind of techniques, and there's a place for them. Until you start to believe that you are chosen, that you are set apart and holy, and that you're deeply, powerfully, unconditionally loved, you'll never dress that way. The great majority of Christians are living for God's approval instead of from God's approval, and the difference is night and day. When you live from God's approval, when I carry that money in my pocket or when I choose to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing it because God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator in heaven, hey guys, three more stars for Chip.

It doesn't work that way. When I do something like that, it's God, you've been so kind and so compassionate and so patient with me. You have so humbled yourself to stoop, to die in my place. You have been so gracious to cause your spirit to dwell inside of me, to guide me. You have in supernatural ways provided access where I not only have the mind of Christ, but you've given me your word, and you've told me that if I come to you, you'll renew my mind, and you'll make me more and more like Jesus.

As I soak that in, what happens? From God's approval, you love. I have been on a journey for 40 years to try and believe and feel and accept that God loves me for me. Some of you grew up in homes like I did. My dad's idea of love was you went three for four. What happened? You know, Chip, how many times have I told you when that curve ball comes on the inside, you step in the bucket.

That's why you grinded out the shortstop. Come on, son. Step it up. Four A's and a B. Son, give me your report card.

What happened here? Now, he loved me. He thought that would, you know, I got one degree, so when are you going to get your master's? Got that degree? When are you going to get that?

When are you going to get that? I finally came at about 35. I will never live up to my dad's expectations. And somehow I translated that to that's how God was, and he's not. God loves you for you. If you never did anything, he loves you.

He died for you while you were still a sinner, while you were his enemy. So here's the problem. We have settled for techniques and self-help tools to change how we speak and to modify our emotions and behaviors to improve compatibility.

I think so much of what we do in our marriages is, how do we get along better? Rather than focusing on the deep-rooted transformation of our hearts, which empowers us to give life-giving love of Christ to our mates, that's where the real action is. The solution is threefold. Number one, don't buy the lie. I am what I have, possessions. I am what I accomplish, performance. I am what others think of me, popularity. Most of us at some level live with an if-then, if-then. If I become, then I'll be a somebody. If I possess, then I'm a someone. If I get a higher rank, if I make more money, if I drive this kind of car, if someday I can.

If so many people have likes on Facebook, if I finally get my own, if I finally, then lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I live in the Silicon Valley and for reasons I don't understand, I've discipled a lot of people that are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three billionaires. The, not that these three, I have never seen people with so much money and so much sorrow, who really thought that when they went public, when they had a few million or ten million or a hundred million or a billion, and you know what doesn't matter? The human heart.

I've literally sat in a room with someone who is worth over a billion dollars and said, you know, I just don't feel comfortable giving if my cash flow goes down between 500 million. And I just thought the deceptive of the human heart. And before I got very judgmental, God said, what's your number, Chip? Because I have one and you have one. All I want you to know is that it's a mirage.

Don't buy the lie. You're already valuable. You matter. Those things are things to steward. Second, dress appropriately for your mate.

You might, Jim Burns is a counselor, a teacher, a friend, and he says practice awe, A-W-E, affirmation, warmth and encouragement. This is what to do with your mate. And this is just a good little acronym. Do you understand that for every negative comment, your mate needs about ten positive ones?

You need to, you know, a business principal, I have a friend who's a really, really effective businessman. And one day he said, Chip, you know, our staff was growing. And he goes, Chip, do you want to be a really good leader and manager? I said, well, yeah. He goes, whatever you praise, that's what you get.

He said, quit looking for what people were doing wrong and keep, start catching him doing things right. And the moment you find, hey, wow, thanks for coming in a little bit early today. Boy, that was a great report.

How long did that take? Well, thanks for doing it. Hey, I really appreciate that. And he said, if you will praise and affirm, he said, we're all, we're human beings.

We all long. Ask yourself how much affirmation, and I don't mean Pollyanna making stuff up, but I mean affirming your mate. And warmth, there's an atmosphere that's acceptable, that's caring, that's, you know, so often for some of you, like on your way home or just before, I don't know how it works, who works where and does what.

But before I walk in the door, I have a little process I go through driving on the way home and things. I need to get my mind, because I'm thinking this is this, okay, I'm going to walk in, okay, where's her day been today? What did she do?

Where is she going to be at emotionally? And what does she need the moment I walk in the door? And you know how I learned that? By not doing that a lot. And I will tell you for years, I mean, we had kids and I ended up pastoring a church that's pretty good size and a lot of demand. And one of the things, we ate as a family. I bet four or five nights, 5.30, we ate as a family. We shared around the table. We prayed around the table.

Man, that was the link. But when I came home, I just thought every woman did this. When I came home, my wife knew when I was coming home, she went, she put on fresh makeup. I came home every day to a wife that looked and cared and created an invitation of warmth.

I can get someone with their hair pulled back in sweatpants who looked like she hadn't showered in a couple of days. The people that your husband's working with or vice versa, they come put together. My wife created this atmosphere of warmth, of acceptance, and then encouragement.

How do you lift them up? You know, a little act here. Hey, is there anything I can do to give you a hand?

I found, are you ready for this? I found the counseling, out of the counseling, that running the vacuum was one of the most romantic things I could ever do. I'll tell you what, if running the vacuum a few times means we have a romantic night, hey, honey, give me that Hoover, baby. But we all get loved in different ways. It's a heart of compassion. It's kindness.

It's humility. And then we're going to wrap it with this. Have at least two couples conferences per week. I paid a lot of money for this, and you get it for free, so you don't have to say thank you right now. But here's a conference.

We didn't know how to communicate. Okay, I want you to imagine, okay, here we go, here we go, here we go. This is, okay, you're going to do this today. You sit like this. Your mate sits like this. You make eye contact. You lean forward. And as the man, you say, what are you concerned about? And then visually, we'll put duct tape over your mouth and lean forward. Ladies, here's what you do.

Anything that comes to your mind. It doesn't have to be, I'm concerned about one of our kids. I'm concerned about our relationship. I'm concerned about, you know, we don't have enough money. I'm concerned about your mom's health. And ladies, just until you can't think of anything else, guys, hang in there.

They get shorter after a while. And then when you're done, and by the way, men, say nothing. The only thing you can do is nod and say anything else. Okay, that's it.

If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock you out. So then she says, what are you concerned about? And don't give her, not much.

Everything's okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned I might get deployed.

My supervisor, I think, is in an unfair situation. I'm concerned about one of our sons. I'm concerned about our money too.

Gosh, I don't know if my mom's going to live or not. And then second question, you say to your wife, what do you wish? And by the way, again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery. I wish we could get relocated. I wish our marriage would be ten times better than it is now.

Go easy on that one. Whatever you wish. I wish we could go to Disneyland. I wish we get a check in the mail for $100,000. I wish I wish whatever. And then you get it. Don't interrupt her.

I wish. And then the last question is, what are you willing to do? And here's the rule.

You don't have to do anything. But here's, here's what the conference does. It can take 15, 20 minutes without arguing. What happens is you are going to hear all the things that are weighing down your partner's life, the burdens.

And you're going to hear if you chose to where you could put wind in their sails. And so without arguing, without putting things, without trying to fix anything, all of a sudden, here's all the things that's weighing him down. Here's all the things that are weighing her down. Here's all the things that she wishes.

Here's all the things he wishes. I remember the first one we had, I listened to all this. She was overwhelmed with our kids coming home with math homework.

And we were not doing all that well. So I took a baby step. I'll take over the math homework. And she looked at me and said, really? I'm good in math.

I'm not good in the other stuff. Yeah. And two weeks later, she goes, Chip. I said, what?

I'm not sure I've ever felt more loved when you said that. And now every night you do math. I'm thinking, one, it was really easy. And two, part of it was they were working their mom. I just said, hey, do it again.

I'll be back in about five minutes. There's something about a marine dad that's pretty good. My biggest act of humility was I was so embarrassed to go to counseling. I was so embarrassed to sit in a room where someone might walk in and go, oh, there's a seminary student.

He needs counseling. And the reason I would be embarrassed is because I was arrogant and proud. And your pride and your arrogance will keep you. God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble. His grace always flows downhill.

When he finds a man or a woman and says, I can't do this. Will you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace of God will rush to meet you. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, Effectively Communicating God's Love to Your Mate, from his series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 2. In these programs, Chip teaches from the book of Colossians and highlights four important skills every healthy marriage has in common. Learn how to be better connected spiritually, communicate more effectively, resolve conflict peaceably, and manage your finances wisely.

Discover what you need to improve your relationship and start making a change or two today. For a limited time, the resources for Keeping Love Alive, Volume 2 are discounted and the MP3s are always free. You'll find everything you need at livingontheedge.org or give us a call at 888-333-6003. That's 888-333-6003 or livingontheedge.org.

Atlas Nurse Tap special offers. Well, Chip, this new series is identifying practical skills that are important for every marriage. Unfortunately, as we look around, more and more couples are calling it quits. It seems that loyal lasting marriages are becoming more of the exception rather than the norm.

Well, Dave, here's what's really interesting. There's huge changes in the culture, right? You just watch TV programs and marriage and family and all the rest is completely redefined. But when you do the research or when you sit across the table from someone and you look into their eyes, here's what I'm going to tell you. Everyone is looking for a deep relationship that matters. They want intimacy. They want a husband or a wife that they can trust.

They long for a spiritual soulmate, a deep connection, a lover, and a best friend. And what I want you to know is that's what God designed. The farther and farther I see the culture and even in the church moving away from what God said, this is how it works. He's the architect. What you find is there's more pain, more dissatisfaction. God has a plan. He's the creator of marriage and His word tells us exactly what to do.

Thanks, Chip. Well, if you're wanting to experience a great marriage that lasts, let me encourage you to order Chip's helpful book. In Marriage That Works, you'll learn about the biblical model for marriage and what a husband and wife's roles are in this relationship. Discover what it really means to be one with your spouse on a spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical level. To order your copy of Marriage That Works, go to LivingOnTheEdge.org or call us at 888-333-6003.

That's 888-333-6003 or LivingOnTheEdge.org. App listeners, tap Special Offers. Chip, today's message was super practical. Could you just go over a few of those helpful pieces of advice you gave? Because I think we could all apply them to our relationships.

Absolutely, Dave. As you know, the first one was treat your mate with awe, right? You know, it's affirmation, warmth, encouragement. A-W-E. Affirmation, warmth, encouragement.

That will change the temperature in your home. The second was the one that, as I shared years and years ago, we got at our early marriage counseling. It's called The Conference. Three questions and you can't interrupt the other person. What do you wish? Then the second question is what are you concerned about? And then the last one, as I said, is what are you willing to do?

And then the rule is, this is hard for me, is you don't have to do anything. And so what you want to do is you want to get the burdens off your mate's heart and what would put wind in their sails. And you now have that in front of you.

And I'm telling you, if you'll do this, I mean, a couple times a week, 15, 20 minutes or so, you will learn things and cover things, not in the environment of hostility. You'll share them in a safe way because the other person can't say anything. And you ask me, what am I concerned about? Well, you know, I'm concerned about our finances. I'm concerned about our daughter.

You know, she hasn't decided what school to go to yet. I'm concerned about whatever comes to mind. You will just find it will be an amazing tool to get you connected from the heart.

We still do this after 40 years and it still works. That's an encouraging word, Chip, thanks. In case you missed some of the points Chip just reviewed, they're pulled straight from his message notes, which is a tool available for every program. So let me encourage you to get this resource before you listen to us again. Chip's notes include his outline, all of the scripture references, and lots of fill-ins to help you remember what you're learning. They really help you get the most out of every program. Chip's message notes are a quick download at livingontheedge.org. Under the broadcasts tab, app listeners just tap fill-in notes. Until next time, this is Dave Drouys saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.