Keeping Love Alive - Volume 2 - Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy, Part 2

I think it's safe to say that we all want a great marriage. I mean, deep, intimate connection, emotionally, physically, mentally. But you know something? It's rare, and it's hard.

How do we experience that kind of marriage? That's today. Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Drewy, and Chip's our Bible teacher for this international discipleship ministry focused on helping Christians live like Christians. And if that closeness that Chip just described is something you're missing in your relationship, stick around for this program as Chip continues in his series, Keeping Love Alive, Volume 2. He'll pick up where he left off last time by highlighting the first skill that all great marriages have in common. And if you're looking for more practical guidance for your marriage, keep listening after today's message for some deeper thoughts from Chip. Now, if you have your Bible, turn now to Colossians chapter 3 for part 2 of Chip's message, Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy. There's few things that will make a bigger difference in the watching world than your marriage.

If you want to have intimacy, it can't be like, God, I really want a great marriage. And okay, there's some really good verses here for my wife. Hun, you need to read these.

Man, these are really good ones. Yeah. I'm not sure what all the submissive stuff is, but it sounds pretty darn good. You want to have a great marriage? I mean, can you imagine the designers and the engineers and the people that have put together the things that you all do all around the world? Can you just imagine going, you know, I just don't read manuals. I'm just going to do this any way I think is better.

How would that work? The creator of the universe has made it clear what he wants you to do and what it looks like. And he did it because he loves you. He did it because he's good. He did it because he cares. And yes, it's counterintuitive.

And by the way, ready? It's hard. I had a guy come to me and, you know, he's a young guy in the Silicon Valley and has done real well financially. And, you know, we'd meet him and think, oh, you have this beautiful wife and, you know, kids and a great job and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we were playing nine holes of golf. And he goes, you know, I'm, I'm just, it's, um, I just, something's really, really wrong.

I said, what's that? He goes like this, man, I'm really trying hard to be a good husband. And it's just, it's just, it shouldn't be this hard. There's always something. I mean, there's always something, you know, and then he, I don't want to be too crass.

We're good buddies. And, and by the way, he's now done, you know, like a 180, but it was like, you know, this and this and this and this. And I'm thinking, would you grow up?

Those are such, you know, nickel and dime stuff. And so finally he, um, he actually played in the arena football was an excellent athlete. And so I just asked him, I said, excuse me, can I ask you a question? I said, uh, did you ever do two days growing up in football? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or what about in college? You know, you, you know, all American, all that kind of stuff. Did, did you like hit the weight room and nutrition and Oh man, it was like your life.

And this is what we did. And when you, when you played pro ball, like what was that like? And Oh man, I said, so what you're telling me is to be a star and be a football player. It's really hard.

You get hit, you get up early, you lift weights, you eat, you go to sleep and you focus your whole life, but your wife's not worth that. Really? Really?

Who told you it's supposed to be easy? In fact, here's the deal. I I'm convinced this is chipping from not the Bible.

So, you know, put this in your notes. Asterix Ingram thinks this don't know if it's really true. No, I'm serious. I have a lot of chip Ingram and I try to keep to the Bible, but this is what this is one of mine. I'm convinced that God actually has created marriage in such a way that it really doesn't work. I mean, it really, I mean, two people with different personalities that, that are both selfish in both centers. It really doesn't work unless you follow the design and you get to where he gives you unconditional love and you can put the other person first and do all the super counterintuitive stuff.

Everything that has made our marriage really, really good. It's like, this is crazy. I'm the man. I should get up and make coffee in the morning. I should bring it to her. I should affirm her.

I should do this. What about me? And every time I keep little by little learning what it means to cherish her and serve her and help her discover her gifts and, and understand in ways that if they still don't make sense to me, how she thinks I don't, you know what?

I don't have to understand it, but I've learned to not fix it and just listen. And the more, the more you become like Jesus, the easier you are to live with. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being married to someone who's very kind? Can you imagine being married to someone who's, who's humble, but just on a regular basis, just not acts humble, but just actually puts your needs ahead of theirs or someone that bears with you that, you know, the underwear is still on the floor.

The toothpaste is still like that. You still interrupt me when we're with other people and I love you. I mean, it's, it's an amazing thing and that's the core of building intimacy. Let's jump into how to get really, really practical. Why build a marriage God's way? First because he commanded it and second because it's for your benefit. And let me give you some very specific benefits of, of marriage, doing it God's way.

These are, these are so, so helpful. I listed them and you'll notice there's a little asterisk and at the bottom divorce proof your marriage by Gary and Barbara Rosberg and spiritual intimacy allows you to connect at the deepest level. I mean, we connect emotionally, we connect spiritually, but I will tell you the deepest possible connection will be a connection of your spirits in the presence of God that will build a bond that, that it like puts the emotions on steroids and the physical on steroids. Spiritual intimacy as you draw closer to God and as you begin and we'll talk about how, and by the way, I'm going to tell you a little bit later, it's really a challenge to develop spiritual intimacy.

It's a lot easier to develop physical intimacy or even emotional intimacy. Second is a spiritual intimacy links you with God's purposes and plans for your life. He says, I know the plans that I have for you, Jeremiah, right? 29 11 their plans for good, not for evil, for your welfare to give you a hope and a future. When you connect you with God and her or him with God, then then it aligns you to know his voice and his plans and his direction for your life. Third, spiritual intimacy allows you to bless each other with God's love.

That's what I've been talking a lot about. I, all I can tell you is we've overplayed, you know, I'm not going to go down my hallmark story right now, but if I watch like 50 hallmarks, I would think that all of love is about ooey gooey emotions, starry eyed, meeting people and kissing. When it starts to snow based solely on physical attraction by seems to be very, very pretty people who live in really nice houses who actually have a lot of time to do everything except work because I mean, and within the first seven minutes, I have no idea how it's going to end, except I think they're going to fall in love and 10 minutes before it's over, it doesn't look like it's going to work and oh yes it does. And, and, and I don't, I don't mean that as crassly, but there's a diet of that that is so permeated our culture. We actually, people actually believe love is romantic feelings and we've developed such a narcissistic culture that you think when you're unhappy, something's wrong. You understand Jesus was unhappy a lot. Hebrews says in the course of his lifetime, he shed many tears. He hurt for people. He was lonely.

He was rejected. He was tempted in every way, just like you and just like me. He was fully human yet without sin part of life is down days, hard days, struggle days, breathing called to this purpose since Christ also suffered for you who though he suffered, he didn't revile or pay back, but entrusted himself to a faithful creator.

Suffering is it's a part of life. We've lived in this last 30 to 40 years and it's creeped more and more into evangelical Christianity at all levels that somehow Jesus wants to make you self fulfilled and happy and make everything go great. And when Jesus doesn't do that, you're disillusioned. When you demand from God promises he never made, you're worshiping a God that doesn't exist.

His agenda is not to make you happy. He doesn't work all things together for your good to those that are called, to those that love him so that you'll be self fulfilled and happy. How many people by the way know Romans 8 28? See, we interpret that voice versus God works all things together for the good for those that are called according to his purpose.

And the good that we define is my life works. Hey, you say God's in control. I don't have a job.

I've lost my house and I don't have very much money and my kids got to drop out of school for a year. So is God in control? Of course he is. So when did God ever promise that so other people can lose their house but not you, that someone else can go out of business, that you don't go through hardship? Verse 29 doesn't say God's in control so your life works out great. It says verse 29 to conform you to the image of his son. God's agenda is to make you like Jesus.

By the way, the challenges in your marriage, God's number one issue probably with the person that you're married to, it's like sandpaper against sandpaper. It's probably to make you more patient, more kind, more humble, more loving, more compassionate by living with them. Some of you think God gave you kids for you. God gave you kids to change you.

Boy, you want to learn patience? It's like oh God, may we just get through the diaper stage, right? Or can we just get through preteens? I got a preteen that's like 35 right now, right? And then it's like, oh my, I thought it was bad when they were two. This early adulthood, you know, 18 to 22, 23, they want all the response, all the authority but no responsibility.

This is just like when they were two. You know, I want to do whatever I want. Well, who's paying for the car and you live in the back bedroom?

And who paid for college? And I think I've said enough to make the point. The benefits. Spiritual intimacy opens the door to the deepest levels of communication. When you are loved and chosen by God, you can be vulnerable at a level because you know God accepts and loves you. Part of our problems with communication was we both had such warped views of God and warped views of one another, we couldn't be honest.

Until I begin to grasp that God accepts and loves me and that I'm secure, then you can risk. See what happens is that the spiritual intimacy, the stronger that gets, it opens the door for every other area. Spiritual intimacy empowers your marriage to survive. Every couple encounters circumstances that feel overwhelming. The power of God is bigger than any situation you'll ever face and can able you to stand firm in the storms. Oh, I just have told so many couples, don't give up too soon.

Don't give up too soon. Spiritual intimacy connects you to a supportive body of believers. One of the things, if you don't know it yet, is that you can't make it and you can't have a great marriage by yourself. You need other couples and you need some people that you can do life with, that can share. When you're spiritually connected, when you're a part of a local body, God has a group of people that when you're down, they can be up. You know, you do life together and you watch their kids and you know, we never had any money.

You know, you watch our kids and we'll watch your kids and we can get that little window to get away. Spiritual intimacy is powerful. How do you develop personal spiritual intimacy? I've given you a little Bible study. It's from Colossians and I'm not going to go through all the verses, but let me, let me just show you from the passage, from the book, how the apostle Paul encourages that church and those people to develop spiritual intimacy. In verses one through nine, he just asked for it.

It's an amazing prayer. God, I want them to know you and the word is a relational know you and your will to know specifically in a deep authentic way. And then he says, beware of counterfeits. He talks about three different errors that people have in seeking to draw near to God. And then he says, you know, guard your thought life. The battle for your life is between your ears. 95% of all spiritual warfare is in your thinking. You have to learn to take every thought captive and obedience to Christ. And then you have to kill the spiritual competitors. You know, we'll, we'll look at this a little bit later.

So it's just an overview. But you know, after he talks about this new life that you have, he says, consider the members of your earthly body to be dead, to immorality and impurity, to evil desire, to lust, to greed, which amounts to idolatry. You know, there's just, there's certain things that you got to cut off the supply lines of people and of things that create desires that pull you away from God and away from your mate. And then you saturate your mind with God's word. Three different times in the verse, verses 12 through 17. Did you notice?

I circled them in my text. Three different times you're told to be thankful. It's one of the most powerful things in your relationship. It's hard to be tempted by someone else to do something else when you're grateful for who you have. You're grateful for what you do have and being thankful isn't a feeling.

You actually say it. God, thank you. She's loyal. God, thank you.

He's a provider. God, thank you. Thank you for little things. Before I went to bed last night, out of the blue, my wife's an introvert, so I sort of take most of the initiative and I wish she would take a little bit more initiative even after 42 years. And out of the blue, she called me in the middle of the day and just before I was about ready to go to bed, I got this long text and she called me. I was just thinking of you and wanted to hear how you're doing.

Now, for some of you, that wouldn't be a big deal. But for my wife, and I just went, when I got to bed, God, thank you. You know, we've been away from each other about 12, 13 days. I really miss her. I really love her and I missed her and just that the Lord would prompt her just to call. Well, you know what?

When you thank God, it's hard to be resentful or bitter or unforgiving. Well, let me give you some practical ways to remove the barriers and build some bridges. And perspective first, I think this is a super big challenge, especially for men. When I talk about spiritual intimacy, and this is a general rule and may not be true, but most women are like, oh yes, yes, yes. I hope, I hope he's listening. I want to, if we could just pray together, if he would just hold hands with me, if he would just go to church with me, oh, if we would just, maybe we could read the Bible or maybe we could read a book together.

Oh, it'd be so great. And most guys are going, you know something? I know what I'm doing at work. When it comes to the spiritual stuff and leading a family and being spiritual, I'm not only not confident, I'm not competent. I really don't know what I'm doing. And I'm not sure I want to admit that it's very threatening. And I know you really want to do some stuff. And this is just out of my territory. I mean, I'm a pastor.

And after I got married, and I knew the Bible quite well before I got married, I just, it was, I was intimidated by developing spiritual intimacy with my wife. And so, so ladies, one thing I'd say is, let him take some baby steps. And guys, what I want to say is, it really is not rocket science. And we're going to learn some steps that you can take.

And by way of motivation, you have to think really hard about this. You know that triangle where there's the spiritual, emotional, the soul and the physical, okay? Would you be shocked if there's a relationship between those?

And by the way, there's a very significant relationship between the bottom one. Women in general, not always, I'm not trying to make, you know, but their nurture and more relational. I mean, they love to talk and to sit and we just take a walk. And what do you want to do? Just be together. Okay. We're together. Now what do you want to do? I'm really enjoying this time with you, Chip. Great.

Now what do you want to do? Right. And there's this, this amazing thing that when your hearts and spirits connect, some of us men tend to be a little bit more in the activator side and we want to do things together or we, we, we experience God's love physically a lot. Not that sex is all there is, but there's few things that makes a man feel more affirmed, more valued than when his wife wants to make love with him. Guys, what you need to understand is that when a woman doesn't feel cherished, when she doesn't feel connected spiritually, and when she doesn't feel like there's this emotional bond, it's just sex and she feels used.

She wants to make love, but it grows out of the relationship. And so many couples are, he does that and you do this. And then, you know, you fight about frequency, you fight about money, you fight about in-laws, you fight about schedules and you fight about where the money goes.

And all those things are, you know why? Because you're two separate people in the same house and I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't mean you're bad people, but you are selfish because everyone is. And some of you are more stylistically selfish, more sophisticated selfish, but down deep, you want your way. And when you get your way, you're a happy camper. And when you don't, you're not. And God wants to reverse that. And that means you getting close to him.

And so here's some very practical ways to do that. And we'll wrap it up. One, there's no one right way to develop spiritual intimacy with your mate.

Two, as a general rule, women find it a bit more easy. But there's steps I'll talk about in terms of how to kind of build that spiritual intimacy. There's no getting around, praying together. I mean, literally I've had guys start where we're going to pray silently together and hold hands and then start with a few words.

I don't know. I didn't grow up as a Christian. It was two years before I prayed out loud and it was like, what do you do? What do you say? Worshiping together. A lot of people are, oh, we'll watch it later. We can watch the service as a man. No, no, let's sit down.

Let's watch the service. Let's talk about what it meant. Where did God speak to you?

Share what you're learning. I would love to say I have a friend, very godly friend. He's 10 years older. Someday I want to be like him. He's a missionary in Zimbabwe and just godly, godly, godly man.

And I happen to know he and his wife get up every morning. They read the Bible together. They read a proverb together and they pray together and read a portion of a book. Therese and I tried that for about the first week.

It almost killed our marriage. We need separate time and then we come together and talk about where God's speaking to us. You know, usually around the table. We usually sit at least 15, 20 minutes every day, just have a cup of coffee and just connect.

What's going on? Either really, really early in the morning or at a meal or two. And you know, it's weird. In our house, she's funny. She prays like crazy. But as we go to bed, like I want us both to pray out loud. She doesn't want to pray out loud at night.

It bugged me for about 20 years. I'm a pastor. We're supposed to pray together and out loud chip. You pray.

I'm here. I'm really, I mean, she prays like crazy and we pray together other times, but to me it's like, here's you get, you getting my point? There's not a right way. What as a couple, how do you connect? Of course you got to be in the scripture somehow individually.

You got to share. You have to be upward. You got to pray.

You've got to be a part of a worshiping community. What I've learned is take baby steps, take baby steps. Most of life changes are just the first incremental domino. That's the key. And to do something small consistency and it'll grow. Pray for your mate and let me encourage you. Don't pressure your mate and don't judge your mate. Don't assume where they're at with the Lord.

Obviously there's some fruit or lack of it, but a lot, it's not very motivating. You know, like as one wife told me, you know, I set the Bible out and I put it right in the passage that I thought would help him the most. I couldn't figure out why he doesn't want to read the Bible. I said, honey, let me tell you why.

He wants a wife, not a mother. And no one wants to be told what they ought to do. And you know, I'm trying to be really kind to you guys.

Part of it is to shut up and step up. Do what feels very unnatural. Just look at your wife, grab her hand.

If you ever watch set it for five minutes, you'll never go longer. We're going to pray together. You start and I'll finish and hope she goes for, but I'm serious at some point in time, right? You know, it's like getting in shape, you know, someday, some way I'm going to start, you know what someday you just start and you grab her hand.

You're the man, grab her hand. I don't feel comfortable. This feels awkward. I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

Get, just get that out on the open. If that's where you're at, by the way, if you got some tension and stuff going, just why don't we hold hands for two or three minutes and pray silently and just if anything comes to our mind that any resentment or bitterness, just privately, well let's, why don't we spend a minute and ask God to help us forgive each other the way he's forgiven us. I'm just telling you, you take a step toward God and he will run to meet you. Chip will be right back with his application for this message, cultivating spiritual intimacy from his series, Keeping Love Alive Volume Two. Are you and your spouse going through a rough patch?

Does it seem like all you do is argue? Do you feel disconnected? If that's where you are or you know a couple who's struggling, don't miss this series. These messages will help restore your commitment to your spouse and rekindle lost love. Chip shares four key skills that define a great marriage and these aren't lofty ideas. These are practical ways you can build a lasting relationship with your spouse. Are you ready to get your marriage back on track? For more information about Keeping Love Alive Volume Two, go to livingontheedge.org or call us at 888-333-6003.

App listeners, tap special offers. I want to take just a moment to talk directly to those of you that are seeking a way to be more connected to the ministry of Living on the Edge. We're in need of partners who will take a step of faith and make a monthly financial commitment to the ministry. You may be thinking that because we reach millions of people through radio and broadcast and online and ministry resources that we probably don't need the money or that we're supported by all these people. The fact is it's a very small percentage of all the people who listen or do small group resources that actually give to the ministry. We depend on and we deeply appreciate those partners who make the decision to walk with us, especially with a monthly commitment.

It doesn't have to be a large amount. So let me ask you, would you please pray about becoming a monthly partner? Thanks so much in advance for whatever God leads you to do.

Well if partnering with Living on the Edge is an idea that makes sense to you, we'd love to have you join us. Helping Christians live like Christians will change the world we live in. To give a gift, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. Or if you prefer to give online, you can donate securely by going to livingontheedge.org. Your generosity is greatly appreciated. Well Chip, as you wrapped up today's message, I'm not sure what was going on in the room there, but it seemed like you got very tender and were really trying to encourage people to take some baby steps towards spiritual maturity.

Would you give us a little more on that? Dave, absolutely. The majority of Christians are so pulled in so many different directions, a great majority don't spend personal time with God. So they're not in the Bible regularly, or they feel guilty about their relationship with God, and they feel guilty about maybe not praying together as a couple. And so what I've realized is taking baby steps, at the very end I talked about just even holding hands and praying silently. That may not sound like much, but what that communicates, especially to a woman, is that my husband, he cares.

He's taking steps. And it's hard to be vulnerable. It's hard to be vulnerable for everyone, but in areas where we either feel incompetent or guilty or awkward, or some people are very private people. I think we sometimes have these pictures of couples that, if they all really love God, they get up and read the Bible together every morning and hold hands and pray for a half hour and probably get on their knees together and pray before they go to bed. And then we all fall so short. I think couples have to discover a way and a rhythm for where they're at and take some baby steps. Grace and I, for example, when we first got married, tried to do our devotions together. It was a disaster. She's an introvert.

I'm an extrovert. She felt like I had all this training and that I was analyzing her comments. And it was just like, you know, like three weeks in it was, let's forget this, okay? I'm going to go spend time with God. You go spend time with God. And why don't we grab a cup of coffee and just relationally kind of share what's going on. And every couple has to figure this out.

Here's what I know. Everyone can take a baby step. And here's my challenge. Do something. Take a step in your own walk with God and take a baby step with your mate.

As small as it might be praying silently or praying out loud or praying around the table before the meal or reading just a proverb a day, start somewhere to allow God to become more and more the center of your marriage, and you will see Him work powerfully. At Living on the Edge, we want you to know about an easy way to listen to our extended teaching podcast. Hear Chip anytime on Amazon's Alexa Echo and Echo Dot. Just say, Alexa, open Living on the Edge, and you'll hear that day's extended teaching anytime you want. Well for Chip and everyone here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge.