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February 23, 2021 5:00 am
We all know that the love that transforms his unconditional love and when we love our mates in the way that God loves us great things. But what's the practical way to do that. How do you love your mate and when it really make sense to that statement. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram chip as our Bible teacher, international disciple program friendships new series called keeping love alive. Looking at for physical practices that marriages haven't got began in our previous program with some of his own personal story talking about other background best formula for success practices ensuring guide to hanging in there building a life together.
The blasts listed. It's available online at http://livingontheedge.org or on the trip and remap in this program is picking up where he left off describing the practical implications of unconditional love stripped out with part two of his message serving, deepen your love John chapter 13 what are the practical implications practical implication number one is that love is a choice. It's not insincere to do actions and say words of kindness and serve and help your mate when you don't feel like you ever heard that one, but I really want but I don't be hypocrite.
I mean I want to I want to say something nice, but I really don't mean it.
I don't want to do something nice. I don't really mean it was with Jesus having any legally feelings when he went to the cross. He was praying in the garden. If emotions are what love is. Jesus didn't love you and he did love me, he said, nevertheless not my will but yours. Love is a choice when you get when you get that and loving means I'm going to choose to serve my mate, and they deserve it. I'm to choose to serve my mate, when they don't deserve it. I'm going to choose to serve them unconditionally, and if that doesn't get you into a life of prayer and time in God's word to say Lord I can't do that nothing will. But I will tell you one person can completely turn a relationship around don't always guarantee the person's gonna change overnight, but love never fails. Don't confuse that with the doormat. Don't confuse that with giving the person their way all the time but I mean serving and loving and caring. It's a choice second implication is love meets the needs of the one loved Jesus could come in and just not even notice that the feet were dirty.
Seek out your love people in a way that makes sense to them. You have to observe what are the needs what's going on in their life that that was my biggest biggest challenge in our marriage was. I was loving my wife in ways that it was like I spoke German and she spoke French and I was trying hard and she was trying hard and and I mean we were just completely missing each other and was so frustrating because I didn't things. That said, I love you to her. I didn't even notice I didn't know about her family of origin. I did know where her wounds were. I didn't know sort of her language of love. I didn't understand how she was wired. All I knew was this is how I feel love. So I loved her the way I feel loved and it was like unit members are coming. I can't believe you did this you must not love me.
I'm thinking I'm trying to love you like crazy and you think I been there. Another implication is love requires extreme humility and security do notice any. This is God the son humbling himself. Bending down, washing feet, and in humility is rooted in being secure knowing who you are where you came from. In our case is knowing who you are in Christ, your son, your daughter, your value your loved your value is, a person isn't how your mate is currently responding to you. As you can desire for them to love you and come through for you and meet your needs. You don't need them to come through for you and meet your needs to be a whole person when you need them to love you in a certain way. That's called codependency. Your life can only work when everything's going okay and so creates all kind of dysfunction when you conserve and understand. I don't like this there's times where was God. I don't even want to do this. I'm in.
Do this for you because right now to ticked off at her to do it for her but I'm going to choose to do this activity and say these words as an act of worship to you and well first of all change her and change me but it was a choice was challenging and it was the pendency of the Holy Spirit and see that's a whole different paradigm than I don't feel this today. I don't feel that you never do this, you ought to do that.
We always fight about money. You never want to have sex.
Your parents are crazy. You know we talk about disciplining the kids and you never follow through.
Well you are home and I come back when you try and run the show when you get back on a been living in your kitchen right the tool for transformation.
I want to give you is working to learn the five languages of love and I'm gonna tell you it'll be the beginning of a new day give you the picture. This is how this works so Mike, one of my love languages are our words of the firm and another love language of mine his physical touch so and I probably after that is is quality time in God's grace.
That's quality time is probably her number two in my number two, and so early in our marriage.
I think I'm loving my wife and and so I'm telling her you look beautiful.
I love you verbal I care for you. Your wonderful babies off of the tank and by the way, she doesn't say that to me. I'm an extrovert choose niche purchase is a lot times we get in the car were driving for 30 minutes. I grew up in a family work you didn't take turns. You just interrupted one another no is a little. I was like coming. My mom grew up in this city that was very Italian were very Italian. You know someone's talking someone interrupts them and they interrupt you know me to. I never was telling stories and you like that she came to visit my family and would like crazy should get a word in edge wise well were a verbal family, hers. I mean your pin drop.
Supper. You know, and so were driving in the car for like 30 minutes and so being demanding, having bizarre thoughts. I think I wonder how long am I can say anything and see how long it takes her to say something to me.
You know, since okay you know and you know 10 minutes 22 minutes and now I mean I'm just like so ticked off and were getting ready to beware were supposed to be. She's looking out the window like that in the nick of time. She says this will never forget.
She turns to me shows is wonderful just to be with the person that you love and not say a word now on this drive. I just looked at the hills and in the animals so beautiful. Thank you so glad I did. You know, and so I would say things like that and it meant nothing, and on another occasion, I thought you and working really hard and and I wasn't real, detail oriented, to say the least, and were in seminarian so I go in and get some flowers for her. You know I'm I played a lot of pickup basketball and I would lose track of time and I could come home late. We always argue about it and trying to make up for it you know so I bring these flowers or something in she what she takes that line I saw what you like flowers chip. We only have $10 in our checking account houses cost will be more than so here's what I want to get I'm trying to express my love and ways that are not communicating all right so and so on her side, she were. I mean we were in marriage counseling okay were trying so she I'm in Cooksey's great meals in the house is always beautiful and I mean she takes care of everything and just because one of her love languages is acts of service, so she's saying I love you with a great meals I'm saying you know what all you peanut butter and jelly sandwich hug me like this and say your awesome chip in your head but I think your brilliant. You look so sexy and I know my love language right all the house was really clean unit. It is a wonderful meal united so she's feeling like I'm rejecting her love you guys. I'm going to skip ahead.
I because here there some real breakthroughs. As I learned to love her in a way that makes sense to her, and she learned what my love language was little by little by little. See what happens is there's all kind of issues right we had some deep stuff family when you grew up in an alcoholic family. We had some some challenging trauma with a blended family mean there's a lot of deep and insightful things and things we had to work on.
We were working and working working but if your emotional tank is empty. You don't want to work at it you don't care. You do is just like it's not worth it.
And so if you can learn to meet the emotional needs of your mate and what happens is you can't get enough gas in the emotional tank to work on those things that some of them take a long time but but the testimony of God is coming. How many of you prayed to receive Christ one night and just became like the apostle Paul.
The next day right you know it's it's a journey, and the same is true in your marriage in every area you learn to communicate. You learn to develop a satisfying sex life for both of you. You learn to come up with a financial plan and a budget that that works for you.
You learn to relate to your various in-laws in ways that are both accepting and set boundaries, but it is a journey doing all that.
And somehow on the you know I played basketball baseball in college than a few times overseas. What I can tell you is when I coach kids is here's the deal.
You gotta learn to dribble you gotta learn to block out. You can learn to pass you to learn the rebound.
This fundamentals and skills and you have to practice and practice and practice and then you put it all together. It's a process and you you know 41 years. I'd like to say oh we don't arguing a revenue problem that I be a liar. Now we don't have the kind of arguments that attack each other in after 41 years. I know her buttons and she knows mine mean show. I'm still my love languages words of affirmation, so guess what I'm supersensitive when the tone of her voice is even a little bit critical if it's a $0.25 criticism in my brain goes $25 and like you have learned not to respond too much, but kind of hurts so let's go through the five love languages and then I'm going to give you some keys to discover yours. The first love languages words of affirmation, some of us words are superpowerful a complement word of appreciation for some just saying some words right, recognizing things about your character saying something out loud in front of the children that were wife says she respects you being out in public and saying a complement about your mate something you admire about them not only to some phony artificial way and and some people you're not verbal and you're married to someone that their number one love language is words of affirmation and you know what they're starving and you go back a great meals there starving.
I gave him a nice gift I gave her a nice gift. They're starving what they need is words of affirmation, so what you do you go into training and you come up with devices to become a person who shares words of affirmation, because love is a choice what what is it that allows them to come alive. What fills their tank and then you just become a student who says I am going to flat out choose to figure out what fills her tank fill his tank and whether it comes naturally or not naturally how the world can we give more energy to our profession more energy to our business than we would to the person that we live in the same bed with and say I don't know what it's going to take but I'm going to I'm going to learn and not I'm going to do it when it feels good. I'm going to do when I don't feel anything at all. I'm going to do when it feels bad because that's what lobbyists that's what real love is because you can serve them so words of affirmation is self-explanatory, but think of. Think of all the different things that you can say sometimes is asking questions.
Tell me a bit more about that. How did that go. How did that make you feel what happened in your day-to-day wow that's very interesting, that was very insightful. I just know I'm amazed at how God has your mind working you process information. You know, I really thought the way you interact with our son after he was so disrespectful mate. What you wrote your a godly man. I'm honored to be married to you how you responded to, you know your boss or that supervisor in the way he treated you while I'm so proud to be your husband to be your wife.
The second one here is our quality time.
This is just being with one another. It's verb for me and Teresa. It is our it is our common love language.
I'm guessing it's really probably number two maybe 2.5 for me but I I have to I travel quite a bit, both here and internationally and before have pastors and churches were pretty large and so a lot of demand and so we meet every Friday we had a date and just because the age of our kids. I would drop them off on Friday mornings I had Saturday night and Sunday services and we just had a four hour block 25 years and then what I learned was we had to connect because of our communication difficulties. After supper every night for 10, 15, sometimes 30 minutes but work in connecting mobile.
We actually went through a script. It sounds real structurally and what he concerned about what you wish what you willing to do it so we just got where every day in supper right afterwards we would connect the park level but we we we put it in today. It is we are early risers and will start most days in the wee hours of the morning, were we get to see the stars. I learned acts of service, so 15 years ago I started making coffee instead of her.
I make it the night before and bring her a cup of coffee sit on the floor and just talk when I get home we want to reconnect often will behead you need to go to the grocery store target or anything is or just something about we've been away from each other. She hates to grocery shop and I mean to me.
Costco's like but just doing things together or do you need to run some errands just being together.
You need you want take a walk with the dog and you just hang out and there's something that communicates to both of us were connected. We just hang out together and so we do we do a lot of hanging out in the good news is that easy for both of us. So for me, that acts of service are things fixed are things picked up early in our marriage. She would work very hard and and she would do all the laundry in. It would be on the bed and stepped T-shirts and this and this and that and so I would walk in being very busy and I would take all of off the bed what time you go to bed and put on the dresser and they might be on the dresser for three or four days and she just looked at me like, don't you love me at me now you can understand when you're as warped as I am, what I mean don't.
I love you will.
There's all the clothes that I made and spent all that time to serve and love you on the dresser and you don't forgive me ladies but I'm so hardheaded.
What in the world, just close on the bed, got to do with love. Love is about kissing right you know you love was like in my brain, not fixing the disposal in the wash machine links. What's love got to what to do with it and we know what I learned. I just I literally had to write these things on cards and every time I build a habit as soon as I see it I put it away as soon as I see it a put away when I walked by the trashcan each and every day I look in there and she will say well almost every day but I know it's one of learn. That means I love you. I resisted and I didn't like it and was ticked off and it didn't make sense, and then finally I thought you love your wife are not answer yes.
What if that means I love you to her want you to shut up and do inside to start shutting up and and she has a very sacrificially on to talk. Give words of affirmation and encouragement. She would probably say yes is verbal. We had conversations where all my gosh she's almost afraid. So what are you learning right now all I can tell you I want the whole sermon right now let me get let me get it later. You know her or what's going on with your what happened when you were in China wherever and I have learned still learning that she listens. She asked questions. She gives me words of affirmation and fills my think I'm learned to fill her tank words of affirmation, quality time you drink coffee, take walks you go to coffee shops.
Yes, you actually walk around those little shops you know in no time.
Sit on the bench outside here want to take your time in their you go. The third is of receiving gifts. Some people that's their love language and they don't have to be expensive but you know you make something for them or sometimes they are fancy but polite. Now here's where conflict comes. Some of us by nature are our spenders and some of us are savers. Some of us when we see money and the way we think about money.
We think about saving and investing and that's a good use of money and other people think this is money and what you do you spend it to love people and do wonderful things when those two people get married, there's a little conflict and if I can you learn to communicate that it's a it's a blessing because having money stacked up that make you feel secure.
Somehow, and not enjoying the good gifts God's given is not very smart or spending more than you actually have is not very smart either but but in this whole issue of of gifts. Some people love surprises. Some people hate surprises some people a surprise what the gift is like they can be the gift of I was actually talking with someone earlier in saying you Valentine's Day I got it I got a card in my lunch I got a card like his wife little gifts. Three little cards that said you matter.
I'm thinking you. I value the gift of a phone call. The gift of attacks on thinking about you today. You know I was at this little store and I know it's really crazy but you know, I know you collect this cup from different cities and I saw this as I was traveling and I want to come home. I got it for you. You know what my wife likes pink so sometimes on traveling around and get on my always sure about the artist type but you know maybe I like my fitter and you know very good at picking out but I just bring her something that's not little high on her list, but ask yourself this is that when you feel special and often so much of this grew out of when you were a kid and your family and how they celebrated you ask yourself words of affirmation quality time receiving gifts, acts of service minutes helping out's working in the yard together is taking care of things making sure their fixed up for some of you that comes really naturally and by the way, here's the thing. The unconscious thing most of us do is whatever our love languages we express that to our mate because since it is loving to us. We assume it's to them and rarely is it the same. The final one here is physical touch, and most men rank that pretty high. Don't don't confuse that completely was sexual intercourse that I don't know that I've met many men ever who told me most women probably have no idea how deeply affirming a man feels when his wife wants to be with him and really expresses her love sexually. It just is the way it is but physical touch is far more than that that's it can be a squeezing of the hand, it might be your you when you sitting you know you is sick close to them might be a tap on the shoulder when you pour a cup of coffee. It might be you know when you're sitting on scene. No, someone rub someone's hair but there's there's people that get our whole bodies are made to be touched and there's something about coming. Think of what happens in a crisis. What's the first thing that people do in the middle of a crisis when they see one another.
They hug right so here's what I want you to do.
I want you to write down what you think your top two love languages are an enemy give you.
Let me give you two. Two ways if if you're if they for many of you. It's like you know right now but here's one way. What bothers you the most. What really bothers you the most. Like if how come he didn't notice. I did all the dishes, how come she didn't know is I cut the lawn. I fix this. I did this I did this outcome I mean she didn't say thanks. There were no words if it really bothers you, that's a good indicator. It's your love language. The other one is is what you ask for the most to me when you're getting really honest in your saying hey you at some point in time what what what says I love you.
Do what what are you asking for what you want from your make the most that is probably your number one love language and listen carefully, unconsciously, what we do is we all have challenges in our marriage and cancer problem and he does this or that she does that and she doesn't do this or he doesn't do this. It really bothers you, and you keep looking at that you focus on that and focus on that focus on what you start doing you start looking at your relationship to that lens and then pretty soon with this is in a good marriage and I don't really like this and you become very very negative and the fact the matter is, if you would pull that way back. You have really engender.
Oh, a really good marriage with lots of normal problems and it here's the thing. If you focus on that little 10 or 20%. That's negative, it will grow if you began to fill up your mates need for love in the language it makes sense to them.
I will pay what this thing will keep shrinking and shrinking in shrinking and shrinking.
And then there are some things to talk about how you really deal with, but you have capacity, you have some capacity to deal with it in a way that isn't critical and it's not make or break the biggest thing I see with couples is you think you have these problems that are insurmountable and you fallen out of love and there's no hope or you're on the edge when what you don't realize is just on the 25 yard line. You just need to make a couple more first downs, and believe me there's a great future ahead of you, but to make a couple first downs. We can't do this, Lord, fill us with your spirit fill us with your power or help us choose to love.
When we don't feel like it's probably the most backward just reminder this message serving how to deepen your love is from his series keeping love alive or biblical practices.
Great marriages have in common. For each of these four practices gives you a couple of principles that explain why it's true practical implications of what those principles look like in the day-to-day and then very specific tools to get this practice into action and classic chip fashion. He unfolds the roadmap to give you clear directions each step of the way you want to hear how to deepen your love strengthen your hope multiply your joy and restore your piece. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to dig into the series and integrate what you learn for the long haul. You'll be hard-pressed to find a more practical resource for the health of your marriage for limited time resources for keeping love alive are discounted and the MP3s are always free to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at http://livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information.
Just give us a call at AAA 333-6003 that's AAA 333-6003 OSHA for the core messages of Living on the Edges that healthy marriages are the foundation of strong families was we lean into the series with the aim of strengthening marriages. We've put together unique offer for folks are good.
You tell a little bit about it and why it's important.
Absolutely Dave, you know, I wrote a book called marriage that works right talk about the role of a man.
The role of a woman wants a man to be what's a man to do what's a woman to be with the woman to do and what I learned over all these years of pastoring all the counseling that I've done I tried to put that in a format that's very, very practical, and what I learned is people read a marriage book and it's like all that's greater I ought to do this, or maybe I could do that but they forget and so I took all the core content of that book and I put it on what we just called marriage that works truth cards you sort of go through these cards, three or four at a time each day, and it gives you very practical specific ways to build a deep and strong marriage.
Now were living in a day. Dave where marriages are falling apart or drifting apart and this is a tool that will help those who want to stay close and grow deep to really have something specific to do that will produce that kind of marriage.
Perfect. Thanks for that. Let me go over those details one more time with bundled chips book marriage that works with the companion resource called marriage that works truth cards.
Knowing the book represents the biblical design for marriage what God intended it to look like, what is the unique roles of men and women and how they play out in things like finances and parenting and then in the cards. He spotlights relational lies that tend to derail marriage providing biblical truth to get us back on track.
This is a powerful combination of resources that will give you the tools you need to strengthen your marriage or help you build a solid foundation before you even start to check out the discounts on this marriage that works bundle go to LivingontheEdge.org Special offers on the app or give us a call at AAA 83336003 that's AAA 83336003 as we wrap up today's program. I want to give you just a little bit of mentoring or coaching on how to put this into practice by wave review serving are made is the way we express unconditional love. But then, how do you serve them in a way that makes sense to them. I ask you near the end of this message to just write down two or three behaviors things specifically that you know makes your mate feel loved and if you're not sure what they are.
Just go ahead and ask him at times. I've asked Teresa just write down this may not sound romantic write down two or three things that when I do these things you really feel loved and guided by the way, it might be taking out the garbage or helping with the vacuuming or something that you think and you gotta be kidding me. Well, here's the good news.
Let them write it down and just choose to do it because people need to be loved in a way that makes sense to them. The second thing I talked about was learning your mates top to love languages I get this from the book love languages by Gary Chapman and the five languages are words of affirmation, quality time receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch and the only point here is this is that we tend to give love in the way that it's meaningful to us. In other words, minor words of affirmation and physical affection. Well, I thought, well, if I get that to Teresa.
She's gonna really feel loved.
What I didn't realize was. That's not her love language her number one love language is acts of service. So what I want you to do is just look at those five things you can even check out the notes we've got them right there and then begin this week to love your mate in the language that makes sense to them. I found when I began to do acts of service around the house cleaning up things helping out with things, seeing what needed to be fixed. My wife started to feel very very loud when I had been telling her I love you and I'm for you and I did all these what I thought were romantic things and they were like BBs off of the tank. Let me encourage you may not sound sexy or life-changing. But isn't it interesting that the very last thing Jesus did. He served his disciples and at the end of the day when we follow his example.
That's how you keep love alive in your marriage. Let's do that this week is no easy way to share chips messages is with the chipping remap with just a couple taps any message you choose is on its way to your friend, someone in your family or on social media to help others who could benefit from the truth of Scripture and its encouragement. And don't forget to include a quick note about how it made a difference in your life will be with us again next time. When Chip continues his series keeping love alive overemphasis Dave Drury saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge