Keeping Love Alive - Planning - How to Strengthen Your Hope, Part 1

For over 30 years as a pastor, I have counseled couples, and I will tell you one thing. When they lose hope, when they think there's no hope for their marriage, their marriage usually ends. How do you keep hope alive?

How do you build hope into your marriage so that it will endure, so that it will last, so it gets better and better? That's today on Living on the Edge. Stay with me. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge features the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram, helping Christians really live like Christians. I'm Dave Druey, and we're in Chip's series called Keeping Love Alive. He's walking us through four biblical practices that great marriages have in common.

The first practice was serving. If you missed it, it's available online at livingontheedge.org or on the Chip Ingram app. In this program, he explains the second practice, which doesn't sound very romantic, but as you listen, you'll discover the power it has to help you survive the tough times. Well, let's join Chip now for his message, Planning, How to Strengthen Your Hope, from John chapter 14. As we get started, I have on my wall, and I haven't memorized it, but I read it almost every day because left to myself and you left to yourself, we all focus on, you know, what about me, right? You know, my needs, my will, my desires.

This is what I want to see happen. And on my wall is this prayer. It says, Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. And where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is sorrow, let me sow joy.

Where there's injury, let me sow pardon. Where there's darkness, let me sow light. Where there's despair, let me sow joy. Oh divine master, grant that I wouldn't seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, as to be loved, as to love. For it's in giving that we receive, it's in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it's in dying that we're born to eternal life. And that's attributed to St. Francis of Assisi, but just, I need every single moment to get the paradigm shift. You know, this series is about four biblical practices that great marriages have in common.

And the first one is about love. But you know, when Jesus wanted to show his love, what did he do? He took up a towel, and he got down on his knees. And the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords, and the Son of God, who's been worshiped by myriads of angels from eternity past, bent down and he washed the feet of people that were too proud to wash their own or anyone else's. And not only of the eleven that he knew that would be faithful, but he washed the feet of someone that he knew was going to betray him. And all I can tell you is when God tells us to serve, you can't do it, and I can't do it in my power.

I mean, that's like one of those assignments like, this is what you really need to do. And unless you come to, I can't. And say, God, but you can do this through me. And there's a promise. Jesus said, give, and it'll be given unto you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, back into your lap.

For whatever measure you give, you'll receive. And it's a process, and it's a journey, but I think one of the most fundamental shifts if you want a great marriage, and I mean, it starts in your mind, moves to your heart, and then has to get into your hands, is that this will only be a great marriage, not if or when my mate changes, but when I begin to serve them as an act of worship of serving him, with the recognition that I don't have the power to do that. And as you do that, you know, you say, well, I just can't, I don't feel it.

Here's what happens, it's that classic picture, is you can stand on the edge of the water and say, there's no way. It's the moment when they stepped into the water, that's when you get the grace. But you know, just like you go into training for other things, you know, discipline, God gives grace through discipline. Discipline is learning to do over time what you can't directly do currently. I'll never forget my assistant of many years ago had never done anything athletic, and we were learning this idea of what you can't do directly, you can learn to accomplish over time when you go into training.

So in other words, I can't love my wife today directly, but I can go into training to build the capacity to be sensitive to meeting needs, but it takes time and training. So I'll never forget, she had a friend who was a marathon, and she goes, no, no, here's the plan. And she, this is how many hours you sleep, and she started walking, then she did a little bit of jogging.

It was like six months later, and she says, is there any way I could come in late on Friday? I said, well, why, what's up? She goes, well, my training, I need to run 10 miles Friday morning.

I said, all at once? And she hadn't said anything. I said, can you do that?

She goes, yeah. And I said her name, and I said, you couldn't walk around the block six months ago. How can you run 10 miles? She goes, well, this is what we ate, and then I jogged, and then it was this, then I got up to one mile, then up to two miles, and I have a 10 mile run, and we only have five more weeks. She did 26.2 miles without stopping, because she went into training.

It affected what she ate, how much she slept, how she exercised. Here's what I want you to understand. There's many things you can't will and do today. You have to go, the spiritual disciplines, praying, renewing your mind, reading scripture, having fellowship from the heart. You go into spiritual training, and you can actually build a capacity to love in ways that you currently can't do by willpower. And that's how God dispenses.

Now, sometimes he gives these flashes of supernatural, amazing, you have new eyes and see everything different. I mean, I have a handful of friends who, that's how they overcame their porn addiction or their drug addiction, and they cried out to God, and wow. But the great majority was recognized as they had a problem getting in a group, putting limitations on their phone, giving their passwords to someone else, having weekly accountability, and they went into training to renew their mind. So all I'm saying is, your potentiality for not a good marriage, but a great marriage, has little or nothing to do today with how your mate is acting or not acting or what you want them to do or not do. Because if you turn this one in and get another one, you're going to have exactly the same problems. And the other thing is, this person you'll have to live with, that's really the biggest problem, is you.

It's you. I mean, I have a fairly healthy self-concept, but I can look in the mirror and know the core of my life is I'm selfish, I want my own way. Now, I can put verses behind it, and believe me, I can make it sound sophisticated and very Christian, but left to myself apart from the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life. I am really about my needs, my wants, and I get frustrated and angry or whatever when that isn't delivered apart from the Spirit of the living God living in me and me allowing him progressively to have more and more control. And as I give him control, then the fruit of that relationship begins to come out in my speech and in my behavior and in my thinking.

And that fruit is what? It's love, it's joy, it's peace, it's patience, it's goodness, it's kindness, it's faithfulness, it's gentleness, it's self-control as I abide. And then that is who begins to, by God's power, express through the conduit of my personality to my wife.

And guess what? Her emotional needs are met, and her heart feels safe and secure. And then this weird thing starts happening. Then she wants to treat me that way, which makes me want to treat her even more that way, which makes her want to treat me that way. See, every relationship is either on an upward spiral of growth and kindness and love, or he did that, so I do this.

Well, you know what? She said that to me, so I'm not going to do that. And then pretty soon, you play this silly game, and you both lose. I mean, I've been in the ditch in my marriage. I've been in the darkness in my marriage. I've been where I didn't love my wife. I didn't even like her.

I mean, at all. Just angry, and hurt, and wounded. And it was just a choice, because I made a commitment to God. I said, till death do us part. If there was a plan B, or if there was an exit door, I would have taken it.

I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's true. But the good thing what I saw was, when you choose not to take it, then the only other option is, you got to work this out. And if you can't change them, there's only one person left in the room, right? And so that's when my marriage started to really change. Okay, she makes me nuts. I can't change her.

God, you change me. And she came to the same conclusion. Love is the foundation of any relationship, but the oxygen, what brings it forward, is hope. And I want to teach you now, the second practices great marriages have in common, is hope. And if you'll open your Bibles to John 14, I want to show you, in the midst of a desperate, desperate crisis, how Jesus is going to give hope to his bride.

Remember, there's a great mystery. And the great mystery is, that there's this marriage. And this marriage is between Jesus and his bride, the church.

And he's going to model for us exactly how we can love one another. We're in John chapter 14. And the situation is, they've taken the last supper.

They've sung a hymn. He has told them a lot about he's going to leave. And think crisis. Think you're going to be apart for a long time.

Think of military being deployed. Think of, I wonder if I ever see you again. Think of the worst and most difficult parting.

Think someone who's told you some very terrible things are going to happen to them, and you don't know how it's all going to turn out. What you need more than anything else is what? You need hope. One of the great challenges in marriages is, if you don't have hope, if you're not looking forward to something this week, if you're not looking forward to something this month, if you don't have a couple things that you're thinking about. Hey, this year, there's some challenges. There's ups, there's downs, there's struggles, there's kids, there's sickness, there's lack of money.

But oh, this is coming up. As long as you have hope, hope allows you to endure daily struggles, because there's something that you look forward to. And what you're going to find is that Jesus is going to give his disciples hope and follow along as we discover how he does it. Peter said, and Lord, why can I not follow you right now? I'll lay down my life for you. This is a good reminder of those of us who make promises to God. Jesus answered at the end of chapter 13, will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, a rooster will not crow until you deny me three times. Then he shifts gears, do not let your heart be troubled, believe in God, believe also in me.

Well, why? In my father's house, there are many dwelling places. If we're not so, I would have told you, for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to myself, that notice the focus, that where I am, there you may be also.

Their greatest fear is abandonment, and he's promising, I'm going to prepare a place so that we can be together. And then he goes on to say, and you know the way where I'm going. And Thomas said to him, Lord, we do not know the way that you are going. How do we know the way? And Jesus said to him, I am the way.

Literally, that word is road, hadas, I'm the path, or I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me. If you had known me, you would have known my father also. From now on, you know him and have seen him.

I mean, these are great questions. Philip goes, well, you know, maybe I've missed something in this three years, but Lord, show us the father and it'll be enough. Jesus said to him, have I been with you so long that you still have not come to know the father? How can you say, show us the father? Do you not believe that I am in the father and the father is in me? The words that I say to you, I do not speak on my own initiative, but the father abiding in me does his work. Believe me that I am in the father and the father is in me. Otherwise, believe because of the works themselves, speaking of all the miracles they've seen. Truly, truly I say to you, who believes in me, the works that I will do.

Now listen to this. There's going to be hope because there's a place. There's going to be hope because I'm going to come back for you. There's going to be hope because you don't really get it, but I am, I am God and so I'm going to keep my promises.

Then notice he's going to say there's hope because I'm not only not going to leave you alone, but I have a mission and a purpose for you. I say to you, you will also do greater works than these because I go to the father. Whatever you ask in my name that will I do so the father may be glorified in the son. If you ask me anything in my name, notice I will do it. If you love me, you will keep my commandments.

I will ask the father and he will give you another helper. Speaking of the Holy Spirit, that he may be with you forever. That is the spirit of truth whom the world cannot receive because it does not see him or abide in him or know him, but you know him because he abides with you and will be, notice it's all future, and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.

After a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me because I live, you will live also. In that day you will know that I am in my father and you in me and I in you. He who has my commandments and keeps them is the one who loves me and who loves me will be loved of my father and I will love him and my father and I will come to him and I will disclose myself to him. The command is do not be afraid.

In other words, don't let fear or anxiety. He's speaking to his bride. Men, as we go through this, I want you to be thinking first and foremost about what your role is because you're supposed to love your wife how?

The way Christ loves the church. So first, he says to his church, you don't need to be afraid and you don't need to be anxious because I'm going to take some responsibility for our future. It's a man's role.

Second, he says why? Because I'm not going to abandon you and I'm not going to leave you. A woman's greatest fear is abandonment. One of her greatest needs is security. One of her greatest needs is security and so Jesus says you don't have to be afraid. You don't have to be anxious.

Why? I'm going to secure a place. You ever wondered why I know some of you have had to move around a lot and for many as men, I remember we've moved from West Virginia to Dallas, from Dallas to the West Coast, from the West Coast to Atlanta and from Atlanta back and each time, these are traumatic things for my wife but I remember we were leaving the West Coast to go to the East Coast and most of my kids were grown and still had a daughter at home and it was a tiny little house but it's where our kids mostly grew up and my wife actually went through each room and said goodbye to the rooms and touched the wall.

You know, if I didn't know her better, I would think she's really having, you know, a little moment here because see for me, it's a house. For her, it was the place. It was the unit. It was the security.

It's what mattered. It was the home that our best memories of the transformation of our marriage and of our children where it occurred and for us men sometimes, we're utilitarian. You know, it's got four walls. It's got a couple bathrooms.

It looks good to me. You know, who cares that, you know, the curtains are this color or that color and the furniture doesn't really match or this. It matters to her because it's an environment. It's the nest. It's the place and isn't it interesting that when Jesus leaves the disciples, there is a place, not some, you know, mystical floating around. There's an actual place and there's a place of dwelling.

There's plenty of them. They're for you and I'm going to go prepare it for you and I'm going to prepare it for you because not only there's a place, there's a relationship and I want you to feel secure and know there's hope for the future because I promise to come for you and I've prepared a place for you and then he tells them, by the way, there's a strategy to get there. We're not just moving. There's an actual strategy that you can know how to go from where you're at in your anxiety and fear to where we're going to be and often, don't we memorize verses and quote them and sometimes we get them so in our mind. Okay, I'm the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except by me.

I got that down. Jesus is the only way. He's truth. You know, oh boy, this is where he reveals his deity.

I am the Father one. We get all our theology. Do you understand in the context there were some very scared young men who he was telling them there's hope. It's on my word and I want you to know there's a pathway to this hope that you can trust.

There's a game plan here. It's not like I'm just coming home and saying I got transferred or I'm taking a new job and there's not a game plan and a timing and he wanted them to know how are we going to get from point A to point B and basically said I'm the way. I'm the path and then the thing about hope is but what's the purpose? Why are you leaving and why do we have to relocate and he goes you will do greater works and so he tells them there's a place. It's rooted in a promise. He tells them there's a way to get there and then he tells them I have a purpose for you that everything that you have seen me do you actually are going to do greater works and I want you to believe in me and if not for all of our time and intimacy and relationship at least look back on all those miracles and know this is the way.

See he's building a very clear pathway so they can know you know what what's he going to tell them later. In the world you're going to have tribulation but I've overcome the world. My peace at the very end of this chapter I give to you and all of it is rooted around hope. Someone has rightly said hope is the oxygen of the soul. You know whether you're discouraged in your marriage or whether there's seasons I just call it a grind. Anybody have that you know it's just like you get up she gets up you do this if you have kids you take them here you got this there's these evenings you're supposed to do this involved in church you do this over here okay every so many weeks and and you just you're living in the present completely and then when you have some challenges right you're human you have some challenges she says a little something he said he was going to do this but he didn't do it you know one of the kids you got a problem with and one of you thinks you ought to do this and the other thinks you ought to do that and have a little argument about it and well if you live only in the now the grind will eat your relationship up. But hope is a picture of the future that says that what we're doing today is going to produce a better tomorrow and enduring the grind of the today's and the struggles and the challenges and the little hurt feelings and the down times and the illnesses and the hurt and the kids who are going astray and the people that are treating you unfairly the anchor of your soul is there's this hope and ultimately yes it's heaven ultimately is Jesus coming back ultimately is that no one has the power to make you happy but you if you're a follower of Christ he's told you I am your living hope I am your security I am the deep well of your life my spirit dwelling inside of you he will be with you and will be here's the promise again future in you did you notice how many times said I will listen to you I will come again it's all based on this promise of the future in your marriage you have to build in hope and are you ready for this this sounds so unspiritual look at the title of this session planning do you realize this is what Jesus is doing he's sitting down with his bride and saying I'm leaving but I want you to know the plan here's the plan the plan is there's a future date in a future time that you don't know about and I've got an amazing house and that's where we're going to live and here's the plan there's an actual pathway it's not I-40 it's not I-75 it's me all you got to do I'm the path I'm the truth I'm the way all you do you follow me and you're going to land at the ultimate hopeful place where we're going to be together no sin no pain no problems everything you've seen all the miracles are normal and by the way I have a purpose for you you're going to start doing what I've been doing in fact later on these disciples don't know it we're going to call this the body of Christ we use that sounds like a religious phrase think of think of how how did God express his miracles and his power when Jesus was walking on the earth this is not a trick question Jesus walks in and he speaks little girl arise he touches a person and the leprosy is healed he teaches a multitude he is in Capernaum how did he get from Capernaum over to Tiberius he walked you guys are looking at me I'm making this way too hard Jesus was fully God he had a physical body didn't he and when he did his miracles the spirit of God Jesus God the Son and God the Father are working together and in his physical body he spoke he touched he walked and he moved and he accomplished the will of God through his body when he was resurrected and the Holy Spirit came and Pentecost and the church was born the spirit of the living God came into whosoever would believe and turn from their sin and repent and receive Christ and so the Holy Spirit the fullness of the Godhead came to dwell inside of you as a follower and now he says the body of Christ is not just one singular physical body it's whoever the spirit of God lives in so now how does he touch people how does he speak to people how does he love people it's through us right so he's saying not only is there hope about the end not only do you know the path but I've given you a purpose because each and every time where the spirit of God comes through the conduit I kind of see myself like a piece of PVC pipe there's all this grace in heaven that's available and the power of the Holy Spirit lives in me and I have to I have to open the tap and surrender my life so the spirit can flow through me but when the spirit flows through me like it flows through any Christians that's open and when something out of my mouth brings and when something out of my mouth brings healing or when I take something out of my pocket and give some money to someone who's hungry or when I sit across the table and counsel a couple or when I get to share the gospel and the spirit of God uses that and there's life and there's healing and there's restoration all I can tell you it's unbelievable you've experienced it you've sat across from someone and you heard them bow their head and pray to receive Christ you've talked with them for hours and they decided not to leave their husband you saw someone that was really hurting was in a terrible situation was clinically depressed and you came around them and now they're healthy and what you realized God used me and what's it do it gives you hope it reminds you he's real there's power it's a reality you've been listening to part one of Chip's message planning how to strengthen your hope from his series keeping love alive four biblical practices great marriages have in common for each of these four practices chip gives you a couple of principles that explain why it's true practical implications of what those principles look like in the day to day and then very specific tools to get this practice into action in classic chip fashion he unfolds the road map to give you clear directions each step of the way if you want to hear how to deepen your love strengthen your hope multiply your joy and restore your peace you owe it to yourself and your spouse to dig into the series and integrate what you'll learn for the long haul you'll be hard-pressed to find a more practical resource for the health of your marriage for a limited time resources for keeping love alive are discounted and the mp3s are always free now to order your copy or to send it to a friend visit us online at livingontheedge.org or tap special offers on the app for additional information just give us a call at triple 8-333-6003 well chip as i listen to you in these messages you know you sound more like a mentor if you were actually meeting with a couple what curriculum would you go through with them i mean what would be your number one resource to help them in your mentoring sessions well dave after many many years being married and then counseling people i wrote a book called marriage that works and so i then took all the truth out of them and i put them on these cards that you can review kind of each day just three or four cards very small very measurable very specific ways to love your mate some specific lives that we all tend to believe and we took that book and we took those cards and we made them a bundle that would be the curriculum that i would use because in that what i do i go over the basics but i get super practical everything from communication to meeting together to finances to even parenting issues in your marriage those cards and that book come together to be the actual content i would use if i was personally mentoring a couple sounds like the perfect combo thanks chip okay so let me give you that again in case you didn't catch it all we've bundled chip's book marriage that works with a companion resource called marriage that works truth cards now in the book chip presents the biblical design for marriage what god intended it to look like what it is the unique roles of men and women and how they play out in things like finances and parenting and then in the cards he spotlights relational lies that tended to rail marriage providing biblical truth to get us back on track this is a powerful combination of resources that will give you the tools you need to strengthen your marriage or help you build a solid foundation before you even start now to check out the discounts on this marriage that works bundle go to Living on the Edge dot org tap special offers on the app or give us a call at triple eight three three three six zero zero three as we close today's program you might have been thinking initially now how is this really going to help me in my marriage i mean chip you're talking about jesus and john chapter 14 and him speaking to a group of disciples well let's pause for just a moment who has had the greatest love for his bride than anyone in the world it's the lord jesus and the very last thing he did before he left was first to serve them and then second he provided a plan i know that doesn't sound like wow so romantic i would love to have a plan but it's a long-term plan it's projecting out into the future that gives hope to your partner it gives them perspective when times are difficult and challenging it's learning how to have a plan not just for this week or this month but what are we going to do for the next three to five years what's our plan for the next 10 years and you don't have to have a lot of spreadsheets and be super detailed but it is in the practice of planning that sets expectations that says to your mate this is going to work this is how we're going to make it work and by the way did you notice he outlined how they felt you're fearful these are the things that are going to come i'm going to be with you he reassured them and then he gave them a very specific plan with very specific details so that they could know in the midst of their hurt the challenge the uncertainty and the pain now don't we all go through those things in marriage that's why i wanted to teach you jesus models for us what we need to give our mates now for some of you you are planners and you love to plan and you want to plan out the weeks and the months and you get calendars out and there's others of you that are very spontaneous and and love is about the moment and enjoying their right now i happen to be more of the last category and i happen to marry a planner and what i found early in my marriage and then in the big times when we really struggled what i didn't provide for her was clarity a plan what we're going through right now how does that fit into the longer term how are we going to get over this hump you know maybe you have a new child or a third child or maybe you've relocated or in my case we started a new ministry what i failed to do early in my marriage was to do what jesus did with his disciples think through what was coming up where the challenges were going to be and come up with a plan that made for special time together that our marriage was a priority that we would work through things together where we set expectations now in our next broadcast i'm going to get super specific about the practical implications and then i'm going to give you a tool that we have used for decades in our marriage that has allowed us to endure and then endure and then endure in the midst of some really challenging times and it's given us hope and i just celebrated recently over 40 years with my mate and i've got to tell you that the mind of a man plans his way but the lord directs his steps it's so worth it we're going to learn to plan in order to plant hope in the hearts of those we love well just before we close i want to thank each of you who's making this program possible through your generous giving 100 of your gifts are going directly to the ministry to help christians really live like christians now if you found ships teaching helpful but you're not yet on the team would you consider doing that today to donate just go to livingontheedge.org tap donate on the app or give us a call at 888-333-6003 and let me thank you in advance for whatever the lord leads you to do well until next time for everyone here this is dave druy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge you