Love Sex and Lasting Relationships - Wake Up World! There's a Better Way to Do Relationships, Part 2

If you could ask God, Lord, what's the best way to attract a person of the opposite sex in a way that would really please you and really work out for me? Would you like to hear His answer?

Well, that's today. Stay with me. Thanks for joining us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Living on the Edge is an international discipleship ministry featuring the Bible teaching of Chip Ingram. I'm Dave Druey, and today Chip wraps up his series called Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. I've got to tell you, this has been a powerful, life-changing series based on the calls and emails we've got coming in, so if you've missed any of the previous programs, let me suggest going to our website, livingontheedge.org, or downloading the Chip Ingram app. You'll have free access to all of the messages in this series.

Chip's interactive message notes and all the special offers that go with it. Now, if you have a Bible, open it down to Ephesians chapter 5, and let's join Chip for part two of his message, Wake Up World, There's a Better Way to Do Relationships. Number one, a revolutionary way to think about human sexuality will be required. Okay, if you're going to answer the call and be a part of a second sexual revolution, you've got to think completely differently about sexuality. Number one, sex is sacred.

It's not casual. Sex is about knowing and communication. When the Bible says Adam knew Eve, and then they had offspring. It's a very interesting Hebrew word. It has to do about knowing and caring and connection. When David sinned with Bathsheba, the word for sex there is David, lay with Bathsheba. It was a transaction.

She was used. Sex is sacred. It's holy. It's not casual.

It was never intended to sell stuff or get us excited. Sex is sacred and all things sacred, they have mystery. It's not hooking up. There's a mystery. It's not about just bodies coming together.

There's a mystery of knowing. There's something that happens in your soul and your heart and communication and growing of a relationship where the culmination of that and the physical act of sex is God looks down from heaven and says, this is a life-giving, life-uniting act that typifies what's happening in the hearts and the souls of people and I bond them together and is a testimony of Christ's relationship to the church. He writes in Hebrews chapter 13, marriage is to be held in high honor among all and the marriage bed is to be undefiled. In other words, it's sacred.

It's holy. And then he adds, four fornicators and adulterers, God will judge. See, sex and worship are so closely aligned. The second is that sex isn't just sacred and you need to teach your kids it's sacred, but it's serious.

It's not just a little thing on the side and you're going to sow your wild oats and it really doesn't matter what you think and it doesn't matter how you dress and it's serious. Listen to what the scripture says in 1 Corinthians. He says, do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? In other words, you belong to Christ. Shall I take away the members of Christ and make them members with the prostitute?

May it never be. Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For the scripture says, quoting from Genesis, the two shall become one flesh, but the one who joins himself to the Lord is one in spirit with him. Application, flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man or woman sins against his own body.

He's speaking to this group in this society that, I mean, they don't need the internet, it's everywhere. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God and that you're not your own? For you have been bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body.

And so, you know what, that starts with me. Sex is sacred and sex is serious. And then as a parent, I teach my kids that early on. We had an interesting thing happen at the church and I don't know the people, I don't know the names and I don't mean it offensively, but it was ironic to me.

I just thought it was so sad, actually. A lady's been driving by and on the sign out front for the series, it says, love sex, lasting relationships and she came to the church and doesn't go here and doesn't go to our school or anything and just was, I write, so upset that she says, every time I drive by that I have elementary school kids and they're asking me, what's sex? And this is just so inappropriate and she's mad and I have some other mothers and we're mad and what kind of church are you? And you know, I thought to myself, I would have paid someone, I'd paid someone 50 bucks to get my four-year-old, five-year-old, seven-year-old or ten-year-old to ask me, hey dad, what's sex? So that early on I could say, oh, son or daughter, wow, it's an amazing thing.

It's sacred and it's serious and it's holy and it's this way where God brings about life and it's built in of attraction to men and women and when you get older I'm going to explain it all but it's one of the most amazing and holy gifts God ever gives and we're going to be talking about that a lot more as you get older. And by the way, I will tell you a four-year-old will go, thanks dad. See, what happens is we don't say anything and when they're nine they see something you don't know about and when they're 11 they're already talking about stuff that you thought doesn't happen at 11 and by the time they're 13 their view of sex has already completely distorted.

You got to teach them early and often. I was talking to the team that's leading our high school group right now and in midweek they ask all the kids, so hey, have you talked about this with your folks because they're kind of involved in the same series right now and over half of our high school kids said yes. And then he said, well, how many of you initiated the conversation? Two of them did. He said, wow, way to go. And others he said, how many did your parents initiate the conversation? They all said yes.

And then I love this. He said, well, how did it go? I mean, honestly. They said, you know something that was kind of weird, you know, talking about love and sex with my folks, but it was great. It was great. They long to hear.

The revolution is going to occur and then there's application to all of that. It's not dirty. It's holy. And by the way, if you don't teach them and you don't have boundaries and pre-decisions, I came across a study by the University of Utah. And when a girl starts dating at age 12, there's a 91% predictability that she will be involved sexually before she's out of high school. If she starts dating at 13, it goes down to 22%. At 14, it's 53%. At age 15, 40%.

At age 16, about 20%. Interestingly, also, teens that come from homes that are not very or very strict parents compared to moderately strict were the people who were the most sexually active. So if you're not strict at all, your kids will be sexually active. Or if you try and control your kids, sex, don't do that.

If you ever do that, I will tell you what, it's like, oh, it must be really something great if you're that uptight about it. We got to think differently about sex. Number two, a revolutionary way to attract the opposite sex. So we got to think differently, but we got to attract them differently. The world says sex appeal, physical attractiveness, seductive dress, focus on bodies.

We live in a world, and I want to say this sort of in a sanctified way, that all attraction is around breasts and biceps. And you have kids and single people and us and people that have been divorced and getting back into, I mean, we think it's all about the externals. And saying it's not, and intellectually saying, well, I know that's really not what the real issues are, doesn't bring about any changes. I was with a guy that did a lot of work in consulting for mergers and acquisitions, and he developed a whole theory that he used with multiple companies about mergers and acquisitions and what makes for partnerships and why they fail and why they don't. And he taught me one lesson, and it was really a great one. He said, Chip, here's what you need to understand about when people are working with one another and you're trying to pass on values and what's going to work and what's not. Do not listen to their words. Only listen to their behavior. Just listen to their behavior. He said, oh, we're in this, we're sold out, whatever it takes. You do this, we'll do that.

He goes, I just completely eliminate people's words. Listen to their behavior. Let me ask you, parents, if I just listen to your behavior about what you're communicating with your kids by your lifestyle, if I listen to just the behavior of single people in this church, what you're communicating about how you're attracting the opposite sex, if I just listen to your behavior of those of you who are widowed or divorced and you're kind of back in the game and where you go and what you're doing and how you're trying to attract the opposite sex, are you doing it God's way?

Or with this defunct model that is, for most of us, it's the only thing we knew. Listen to God's way in 1 Peter chapter 3. It's addressed to women, but the application is absolutely for both sexes.

It's a group of women that were trying to figure out how can I get my husband on board and nagging hasn't worked. And so the apostle Peter writes, your adornment must not be merely external, the braiding of the hair, the wearing of gold jewelry or the putting on of dresses, but let it be with the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of the gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of the Lord. And basically what he's saying in that day is, I mean, they dressed really super seductively. Oh, and that day, I guess we do that now too. And so are you ready?

I want to give you a game plan to attract the opposite sex and a game plan to teach your children how to attract the opposite sex. And so it's IOU. You know what an IOU is, right? You write that out and you say, IOU, you know, you give it to that person, that's IOU. So this is an IOU that you owe to God.

This is an IOU that you owe to yourself. And this is an IOU that you owe to that person or that partner that is going to be the person that you want. The I stands for, you want to attract the opposite sex, inward character, inward character. You need to be the kind of person that you want to attract. You need to be the kind of person that you want to attract. You are looking for a loving, kind person who keeps their word, who is other centered and who is generous. You need to be that kind of person. You need to teach your kids the best way to attract a godly, kind, unselfish, high integrity, faithful, loving, loyal person is to be a faithful, kind, love, right?

So you always get what you advertise for. And we got our little girls and our not so little boys inundated by the world system, inundated by commercials, wearing and dressing and acting in ways that attract exactly what they get. I'm thinking about your daughter. I'm thinking about an 18 year old in the room. I'm thinking about a single person who is 26 and you know, to be sexually pure means you don't get very many dates.

I'm talking about a divorcee who is 51 years old and you're lonely and you're hurting and it seems like the only men Christian or not say unless we sleep together, I don't think I want to date you. And everything in you goes well, and there's a way that seems right to a man or a woman but the end thereof is death. So the way we attract this first inward character, the second is outward modesty. Outward modesty. And you know what, it goes both directions. You know, how many guys, you know, young guys are always buying one shirt too small.

And how many girls realize that you know, if you wear it low, you get a lot of attention. And people, I'm just, can you hear me? We're creating train wrecks inside the church. And they say, why can't we watch this movie? Or why can't we go here?

Why can't we do that? And you know what, I was, you know, I've been a pastor of all these grown kids now and you know, we made some pre-decisions and they just thought I was terrible. And when I said, you know, we're not doing that here or when we got up and left a movie because of some of the images that came on, it was like my dad is nuts. And all the other kids in the church can do this and you know, they do that. And I just said, you know what, I just love you more than they love their kids. I'm serious. That's what I would tell them.

They didn't like it. But you know, as a parent, here's the deal. You got to decide whether you want to be popular with your kids and be their best buddy and friend and then have all the fallout or be a dad or a mom who loves them and gently models and tells them the why and says, you know, I know it's difficult, but we're going to not start dating till this age and we're not going to look at that kind of stuff and we're not going to do that because guess what? There's a beauty that you don't want to miss. And the way you're going to attract that kind of person is to have inward character, outward modesty, and then are you ready for this last one? You've got to have upward devotion. You got to be a young man or a young woman or a single person or a mom or a dad or a not so young person that, you know what, upward devotion. This was a journey for me and I've tried to share it along the way and be honest about it, but when I finally begin to walk through the process of what God really wanted, I made a commitment that, number one, I was going to find a girl that when my relationship with her that she would inspire me to walk with God. That it wasn't like, well, is she a Christian?

Well, she's sort of a Christian or, yeah, she goes to church or, you know, I think God's sort of a part of their life. You want to attract them by being a person of great character and you want to help your kids become people that dress with modesty, sharp. I don't mean old-fashioned. I don't mean legalistic. I don't mean weird. I mean modest and wise.

There's mystery. And finally, where there's an upward devotion where what you help your children, I'm speaking to parents here especially and for you is that, you know what, if you're not in God's word, if you don't talk to God, if you're not in some sort of a small group, no one can do this alone. And so the revolution is going to start with thinking differently, it's attracting differently, and third is relating differently. You got to relate to the opposite sex in a different way. There's a revolutionary way to relate to the opposite sex not as an object to capture or even a person to find, not for romance or for recreation, but I want to give you three pictures of how to relate to the opposite sex. Number one as a friend. Start there.

I don't care if you're 55, 62, or 16. Start with being a friend. Jesus said this, John 15, 13, greater love has no one than this that you lay down your life for your friend. The moment you make it romantic, the moment you pair off, the moment you go down that path, now you start posing.

Then it's got to be about the externals. The real you doesn't show up. You be a friend with someone. Teach your kids, oh, I'm interested, or I like him, or I like her.

Great. Become friends. Hold back the emotions. Hold back the romance. The percentage of people that when they go steady, this Utah study, when they begin and go steady in ninth grade, those who go steady, sexual rate skyrockets. They're not ready to parallel, become friends.

Unpopular, but helpful. Second, not only become friends, become family members. The Apostle Paul is writing to a young pastor, and I'm assuming that because he's a young pastor, he has hormones like everybody else. And Paul writes to Timothy and says, do not sharply rebuke an older man. He's talking about family relationships in the church, but rather appeal to him as a father. To the younger men as brothers, and the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters in all purity. Teach your kids, and you act like, become friends, and then treat them like a brother and a sister.

And you say, well, what's that really mean? Well, how do you hug your brother and sister? You hug them, don't you? But there's certain ways you'd never hug them, right? How do you express affection to a brother or sister? Well, you express affection, and you touch them, don't you? But there's certain places and certain ways you would never touch your brother and sister, right?

You're saying, well, Chip, these have huge implications. That's the point. You don't defraud. You don't defile. What would happen if you learned, I'm going to be friends, and I'm going to treat this person like a brother or sister in Christ, so that what I would realize is that if sex is sacred and sex is serious, I realize that this may not be the person for me, but their experience with me should prepare them for that right person instead of me being a bad memory of someone who exploited them. Third, you attract them as a follower of Christ, Hebrews 10, 24. Consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds. So you're asking yourself, this is what you want to teach your kids, and this is what we want to do. You're in a relationship, you're friends.

As your friends, you're family members. And then God begins to, there's a real attraction. You begin to build a relationship. It may go somewhere, it may not, but your behavior, your speech, and your time together, when you, quote, break up or realize this isn't the right person, this girl would say, or this guy would say, you know, we dated for 18 months, or, you know, my relationship with her in that 18 months caused me to grow spiritually more than any other relationship other than maybe with my parents or in the small group of guys that I'm in. And I will tell you what, if you think differently, if you attract the opposite sex differently, and if you relate to them differently, there is a vision. There is a picture.

And it is so beautiful. And by the way, no matter where you're at, you can stop and turn, and God will forgive, and He will restore, and He can get you on the right track, but you've got to say, Lord, not now my way, I want to do it your way. I entitled this Wake Up World, There's a Better Way to Do Relationships, and I want to close with a story, and then I want to let you know that when I close with this story, everyone in this room knows, you know what, if I'm going to do it God's way, there's probably something I need to stop, something I need to start, and I have to trust Him. But as I was teaching this material, this is the email that I got, I accepted the Lord in high school and was on fire for Christ through college and in my mid-twenties, and then I fell away big time. I got involved in three consecutive relationships with women at work, got them pregnant, and went through three abortions. Wouldn't you know it, all three relationships dissolved soon after. Here I am now greatly blessed in a marriage to a Christ centered woman. We've been unable to have children of our own. It's been devastating to me in light of the fact that I paid with my own money to kill three babies that were my own. Was sex fun? No question. Was it worth it?

I can't scream loud enough, no. Like you said, the deepest desire in my heart was a committed, lasting relationship, and I didn't get that through any of the flings at work. Thankfully, the Spirit finally interceded and gave me an option, and He gives His name. I'll make it up. Bob, you're at a fork in the road. You can either keep the same path you're on to your continued detriment, or you can get your heart right with God. Your choice. I ran to God without ever looking back, and I've been in fellowship with the Lord and with believers ever since. Crossroads.

Crossroads. What do you need to do to stop? What do you need to do to start? And it begins with the decision.

You don't slide out of sexual impurity. There's a little farmhouse of two people that gave me a picture that said, that's what I want. God wants something great for you.

Chip's going to be back with his application, but just a quick reminder. This message, Wake Up World, There's a Better Way to Do Relationships, is from his series, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. In these messages, Chip shares the candid truth about romance, sex, the way God designed it, and true love. Because we long to love and be loved, this series will help you discover God's way to make a good match, grow in intimacy, and build a love that lasts a lifetime. Now, for a limited time, resources for Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships are discounted, and the MP3s are always free. To order your copy or to send it to a friend, visit us online at livingontheedge.org, or tap special offers on the app. For additional information, just give us a call at 888-333-6003. Well, Chip, this is the last program of the series, and we're feeling pretty passionate about doing whatever we can to get the content of these messages into the lives of as many young people as possible. You're making a very special offer, but it ends today. Now, would you give folks the details? Absolutely, Dave.

We're doing something a little bit crazy. If you're the leader of a high school group, a middle school group, a college small group, and you would say to us, I will take my group through this, we will give you up to 10 study guides absolutely free with the video that you can stream. My heart breaks when I see so many godly young people get involved in the kind of relationships that go south and destroy their relationship with Christ. We're going to do whatever we can to help you and those you love in your junior high, high school, or college ministry.

You contact us, you commit to do it on the honor system, and we will give you up to 10 study guides and the video absolutely free. Now, I want you to know today is the very last day of this offer. If God has led you to lead your group through this, let us know and act on it today. Great, Chip. Thanks for that. Okay, so let me give you the final call. If you're the leader of middle school, high school, or college age youth, and you commit to taking your group through this series, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships, we'll send you up to 10 free study guides with video streaming. But this offer is only good while supplies last today. So we hope you'll get in touch and let us help you get this content into the hearts and minds of the kids you care about.

For all the details, visit us online at livingontheedge.org, tap special offers on the app, or give us a call at 888-333-6003. As we close today's program and wrap up the entire series, I hope that God has spoken to you and literally given you a fresh desire to do relationships His way. You know, of all the things I've counseled so many people over the years, and I would say 90% of them are about relationships that aren't working, whether it's a dating relationship or whether it's a marriage relationship. And you know, God has a plan. But here's my question. Do you really want a love that lasts, sex that's exciting and holy, and a relationship that is fun and meaningful and where there's real connection and intimacy? And if so, all I want to tell you is listening to this or even reading the book is great exposure, and it's a completely different paradigm. I mean, God's formula versus Hollywood's formula is like night and day.

One works and one doesn't. But here's what I would challenge you. If you're serious about that, if you really want it to happen, it's going to take a commitment. And the things that get down deep in your heart that become convictions rather than, I ought to do it that way, but under pressure I probably won't, is getting with a group of people and saying, let's all get the book, let's read a chapter each time, and we'll do the questions at the back and get really real. Or maybe better, you know, get the small group resource, watch the video, and then sit down together and talk about what would it look like, you know, a group of gals or a group of guys or, you know, maybe some couples.

Or if you're thinking about where do you want your junior high years, high school, or college students to be in the future, this is something that you have to teach them. And what I find is you long for it to happen, but it's not going to happen in our culture, even in the church, if it's not taught, discussed, and applied. God's dream for every relationship is intimate, deep love, relationship that lasts, emotionally, physically, psychologically.

Here's my challenge. If you really want it, lean in and do the work, and God will show up. Just before we wrap up, if you heard the offer earlier in the program, you know we're in the process of providing free study guides to every youth leader who agrees to take their group of middle, high school, or college students through the series Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships.

But those resources don't come at no cost. If you believe in the mission of Living on the Edge, helping Christians live like Christians, becoming a financial partner would be a great way to be on mission with us. You could be part of helping those leaders get the truth of God's design for relationships to as many young people as possible. We'd love to have you join us. Now to send a gift or become a monthly partner, just go to livingontheedge.org, tap donate on the app, or give us a call at 888-333-6003. Your generosity is always appreciated. Well, for all of us here, this is Dave Druey saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.