Today I'm Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. You know, I came across a fascinating statement that changed the course of my marriage years ago. Here it is. Without a plan, we have no hope. Let me tell you that truth made all the difference in the world in my marriage.
We're going to learn how to increase the hope in your marriage, and I'm going to give you some very specific tools to help you build the kind of plan that will provide deep hope in your marriage. Stay with me. Where's your hope? Not just hope in general, but hope in your marriage, your family, your future together. I'm Dave Druy, and today on Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram continues our series called Choosing Love.
In this message, Chip reveals why planning isn't just practical, it's biblical. Jesus told his disciples in John chapter 14, I go to prepare a place for you, showing us that love makes plans and keeps promises. Today you'll discover why hope rises and falls based on the promises we keep.
Now here's Chip Ingram with a message titled, Planning, How to Strengthen Your Hope. Where's your hope in your marriage? You have to have hope. And the way you have hope is you have to have a plan. I mean, so can I just give you some a couple principles and then I want to get real practical.
Here's the principle. Long-term planning provides hope and perspective to overcome short-term pain and challenges. Second, great plans provide a specific path and create hope for tomorrow and forever. Third principle is hope rises and falls with how we keep our promises. The most devastating thing we do to one another and we all do it, is when we tell our mates something and then we don't follow through.
Breaks trust. What do we know about Jesus? I would encourage you, you know, read John chapter 14, and you can even read 15 and 16, and every time the word I will, I will, I will, I will, I will, underline it. And you know what he's saying? I keep my promises.
Do you see the promises that he makes? And so then the application Is Practical. Number one, If you, this is from my marine father, so don't look for this in the Bible. But I heard it so much, it's up there in the Bible with me. Chip?
If you fail to plan, you... Plenty of money. And you know, you plan for a career, you plan hopefully for finances, you plan for so much. Here's my question: What's your plan for your marriage? What's your plan for your marriage?
Because if you don't have a plan... then you don't have a lot of hope. I cannot tell you. I mean, my wife and I, we made a plan. The plan was we would have a date every single week.
We had a plan. What we knew was we were terrible communicators. We didn't know how to resolve anger. We didn't even know when we were angry.
So if we had to learn when we were angry.
So I like right after supper. I mean just 15 minutes. We did it three times a week.
Okay, honey, this sounds so artificial. How did your day go? Superficial.
Okay, great. How's your day go? Great. What are you concerned about?
Well, This, this, this, and I shut up. You can't fix it, just shut up. What do you wish? Oh, I wish one of our sons would not be so much this way and I'm concerned about our other sons dating a girl. You know, I wish I felt better.
I've got, you know, this really situation. And what are you willing to do? And in 15 minutes or 20 minutes, I mean, we learned. to not just bury stuff. but get all the things that are weighing us down out on the table, And in 15 minutes, every...
other night at least. I found out this is the burdens, and she heard mine. I mean, she would ask me, how'd your day go? It's fine. And she wants to talk and well, I mean, well, how do it really?
It's fine. This church had a lot of meetings. A couple people came to Christ. It's great.
So, what's up? I mean, you know, and I can't understand why she thinks we don't communicate, right? I told her. It was fine. That's not what you wanted to hear.
How did you feel about it? What was going on inside? You know, right? I think it's So we came up with a plan weekly, we came up with a plan daily, and then for us, When there's friction, guess what goes out the door? Romance.
And now if you have kids, especially small ones, It's hard to even find romance. And so we plan, we scheduled. You know, got other couples, watch our kids. We were super poor. We're going to get away for a couple nights at least once.
Try it twice a year. And sometimes you were just holding on by a thread. We only got, you know, 62 more days until we can get away. But two days away would refresh. Are you starting to get it?
Um hopefully.
Okay. Yeah.
So What? Is your career and family? in ministry and future plan. for in the next five, ten, or fifteen years.
Now I know when I some say something like that, you go, oh my gosh. I mean, that's sort of a long... Big deal.
Okay, here's a tool for transformation. I want to get you started. I'm going to give you two tools. Here's tool number one: this changed the course of my life. It's thirty 34 or 35.
Three kids, four. Annie had just been born, was maybe 18 months old. I've got two 13, 14 year olds, about a seven year old, and about a one year old. And where I went to seminary, they had a thing called LEAD: Leadership Evaluation and Development. And they looked at your whole life, and you went away with your wife for a week.
They had a psychologist talk to you, and someone looked at your preaching. People filled out all these forms about your life, your character, and they literally had your life. And the goal was to take you through this four or five days and give you an evaluation of where you're at and help you see blind spots so that maybe they could help you skip 10 years of pain because maybe they thought maybe you have some potential to make a difference. Two big things happen. The man who did our interview was one of my mentors, and he looked at Theresa and said, You haven't told anybody about your past life, have you?
No, I hide it. But she said, I have a problem. What's that?
Well, my little boy is like six or seven years old, and we have a picture of Chip and I in our marriage, and Eric and Jason are in the picture. I mean they were like Four and a half, five years old. You know, they're dressed up little boys carrying the rings and things. And so our six or seven-year-old says, Mommy, how come Eric and Jason got to be in the wedding picture and I didn't?
Well, a little moment of truth. That's a real tricky one, right? She was ashamed. She was ashamed that she was told where we went to school that God would never use your life. She was told she was a second-class citizen.
She lived with guilt, she lived with shame. She married a guy, she wasn't a Christian, he runs off with another woman. She told me I would have committed suicide if I didn't have those babies. My whole life was in that man. I felt worthless.
And he said, You don't understand, you are a trophy of God's grace. Look at how God has restored you and redeemed you. Are you ready for this? You know what you do with trophies? You take trophies and you put them up on the mantle.
And you put them on the mantle so people can see this is what God did. And we came home from that. And she shared with my seven-year-old boy why he wasn't in the wedding picture. Shortly afterwards, we were called to a church in Santa Cruz, and my wife is a, I mean, you would not know it now, but I mean, was not just an introvert, but super shy, and getting in front of people was not her thing. And we're flying on the plane, she said, I want to share my testimony with the church.
Said what? Yeah.
And you know, we went from a fairly small church, and for us, it was a pretty good-sized church, eight or nine hundred people. And they had a Sunday morning, Sunday night. And I said, well, my first message is Sunday morning. You want to do Sunday night? She goes, yeah.
And she got up and told her story. 50 women lined up. If you know anything about Santa Cruz, it's... Drugs, new age. wacky world.
broken people. I mean just And God just put us in the perfect place in the world because two very deeply broken people went to a place filled with broken people. And when she shared her story, they finally said, maybe there's hope for me. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's more coming up in just a moment. If you missed any part of today's message, or if you'd like to share it with a friend, you can find it anytime online at livingonthege.org.
And while you're there, you'll also discover a full library of Chip's teaching series, small group resources, and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships. Take advantage of all we have available at livingonthege.org.
Well now back to our message.
So there's hope. There's not just hope when everything's okay. There's hope when you share your brokenness. The second thing that happened that was critical is that I was given an assignment. And I was told to do this.
I want you to go home and I want you to write out. I want you to add 10 years to everyone's age.
So, okay, I'll be 44. Uh my oh wow, Eric and Jason would be twenty-two. Ryan will be seventeen. Annie you'll be like eleven? And then he says, now I want you to think about This is where you're at.
I want you to visualize. You now have two kids that. I thought If they're gonna go to college. I'm putting like $50 a month away. You know?
They're doing really well, but they've got some issues in their life I need to address. My little boy, he's going to be 17. That's going to make him like a junior or a senior. While 10 years from now, I will be this, this is Teresa and I work. And we literally, it just grabbed me and I realized.
I'm living so much in every single day, I'm not living in a way that is realizing where do I wanna be in 10 years? Where does God want me to be in 10 years? Where do I want my marriage to be in 10 years? It was one of the biggest aha moments of my whole life. I literally, you know what I did?
I made a plan. I made a plan for my older boys. What am I going to do between, you know, like 12 and 22? What is it I want them to know? What kind of time?
What kind of experiences? What am I going to do with my son who's 11 or 7 and is going to be 17? And what are the things I learned from my older boys? Where should we be? This is where we're at at America.
This was a season where we actually got along. The church was growing, it was a good season. Wow, what have we done? Where do I want our marriage to be in 10 years? I would tell you.
It'll change the course of your life. If you would write down add 10 years to everyone in your family and start asking yourself those questions, I I I will tell you because Left to yourself? And then, and here's the thing, you think you don't have enough time. The number one addiction in America is technology. You have time to read, you have time to think, you have time to exercise, you have time to build relationships, or you can stick your face in this phone and you can escape and you can watch movies and you can play video games.
And for some of you secretly log on to porn. And you can waste your life. Or you can come up with a plan. And you can ask for help. And you can start being a servant.
And I will tell you, you're... Life will be so different. than everybody else's. And here's the thing that this thing and all that media does. It just keeps telling you you don't measure up, you don't look right, you don't have the right stuff, and if only you had, or if only you could, or if only you were.
And so it's all negative messages. And here's the thing: some of you are like, Type A highly focused Wired like me. And some of us have gone after some of those things. And here's the thing: if you get them in your hand. You're going to look at it.
It's going to be like, remember the rainbow into the pot of gold? And you'll look at it and you'll go. As one guy told me recently, he said, This is it. I mean th this, I mean I built a company. Did $67 million last year.
I found the beautiful wife. I have three kids. This is it? This is as empty. I mean, they promised.
I'm in shape. It's a marine. I am. I've got what everyone in the world says will make you happy. And he says, I looked inside of that, and it was a black hole of emptiness.
And then he had to be driving in the car and heard a series about heaven. and life. that happened to be from Living on the Edge. God spoke to him and he pulled off 101 in California. and cried like a baby and received Christ.
And that was the beginning of a completely new life. And what I like about him He went about it like a marine. Yeah.
His poor wife. Yeah.
He said it was bait and switch. It really was. He said, two years in, he goes, my life, my friends, my habits. He said, I learned God's word is important. I learned prayer was important.
A good Bible teaching church is important. I got in a small group with my pastor, another guy, and another guy. Man, my addictions I addressed. She's two years we're having dinner. And she looked at me and she goes, I don't think I even know you anymore.
And he said, privately, I'm thinking, yes. And yet what she was saying was I married this person, we partied together, and this was our world. I don't who is this guy?
Now you're a great father and you're treating me in ways I don't really understand. Kind but weird? You're doing things I've never seen you do. And Here here's my point. You gotta have a plan.
Add 10 years. And then ask yourself, who do you want that person to be? What do you want that marriage to look like? The second, this is a real practical thing because it's like, oh, that's a great big picture. Structure.
Some of us are very spontaneous, some are very detail-oriented. If you don't structure for outcomes, your life will be filled with good intentions where you start and fail, start and fail, start and fail. In planning as a couple, I mean this week. I mean, I'm going to get down to some real basic things. This is just a suggestion.
Some of you are great planners, way better than me. You have way better ways to do this. But for those of you that are sitting here thinking, We don't plan. We just react. We just respond.
Oh, kids need shoes. And by the way, if you're like most, the women feel a greater responsibility and they're always feeling like, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And they feel like we don't lead well when we don't plan. And so uh One of the things that helped us, I don't know.
how it works in your world, but in my world, usually I get a paycheck every two weeks.
Some people it's once a month, some people once a week. I get a paycheck every two weeks and have for whenever. We have a, it doesn't have to be blue, we have a blue folder. Every bill that comes in goes into that blue folder, even the ones that we pay online. We print it out, goes into that blue folder.
Every two weeks, I sit down with my wife. We have a checkbook. And we will, she'll take the part that you subtract and I'll take the part where we write the checks. And a lot of them, of course, we pay online and I'll write on the bill and she'll say, okay, I'll do that online. And we go through every two weeks and we do our finances together.
Here's what you need to learn about money. Money is never about money. Money is about values and priorities. Every two weeks. For 35 years, we've had a discussion about what matters.
And a lot of times it was: well, we paid our bills, and now we have. $136 to make it through to the next two weeks.
So we're going to put $78 in the grocery envelope, we're going to put $20 in recreation, and we're going to put $16 in for gas when you could buy gas for cheap. And when the money's out of those envelopes, we're done. And we're going to stay in the black. And then it was like, okay, well, Eric needs shoes and Annie needs this. What should we buy when?
And and okay, let's The habit is more important than the amount, so we're going to save $50 a paycheck. That was our big savings plan. And it became a habit. The second thing is now we've made those, then we open our calendars. And we look at, well, okay, what's coming up the rest of this month and next month?
You can be proactive in creating a life that you look forward to something this week. You look forward to a great time together away. You look forward to sitting down and having a plan that it may take time, but we can get out of debt. Final comment: If you are in a situation, I wrote this at the bottom, of crisis of debt, or counseling, or in-laws, or addiction. Yeah.
Get outside help. Get outside, help, pay for whatever it takes. I had to. And here's the thing. If this reoccurring problem or conflict in your sex life, in your finances, debt issues, in-laws, resolving conflict, you're smart people.
If you could have solved it on your own, you would have solved it by now. Right? You get outside help. Let me encourage you to do that. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and a series called Choosing Love.
Today Chip gave us game-changing advice. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Chip will be back with one more thought in just a moment. Did today's message hit home? Then you'll need Chip's book, I Choose Love.
This book reveals a life-changing truth. Love isn't just something that happens to you. It's something you can choose. Drawing from Philippians chapter 2, Chip unpacks the biblical concept of agape love, the kind of love God has for people. It's a love characterized not by feelings or emotions, but by sacrifice and putting others' best interests at heart.
When you understand and apply this biblical love, it transforms every relationship in your life, including your marriage. If you long to experience the love of God and discover practical ways to live out agape love, order I Choose Love Today at livingontheedge.org. You know, this teaching ministry reaches millions because listeners like you invest in biblical truth that transforms lives. When you give Give to Living on the Edge, you're helping people you've never even met to strengthen their faith, relationships, and hope. Would you partner with us today?
Give online at livingonthege. org. On our mobile app, just click on the heart icon and follow the simple instructions. You can also call us right now at triple eight three three three six zero zero three. Also check out our new feature on the Living on the Edge podcast.
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Well now here's Chip. As we close today's program, I want to focus in on one specific thing that I shared. But before I do, I want to go immediately to that group of people that I ended the teaching time with. I said, if you're in crisis, if you've lost hope, if you're hurting, if you're contemplating divorce, if you feel like there is no hope, let me encourage you: in your crisis, get help right now. Go to a trusted, godly friend, to a Christian counselor, to your pastor, but don't let it go.
Don't think it's going to get better on its own.
Now, for those that don't feel like you're in crisis, but you want a deeper marriage, or you feel like there's a little bit of a drift, let me tell you this: long-term planning provides hope and perspective to overcome the short-term pain and challenges. You know, there's a lot of ups and downs in life, and we're going to have them, right? Financially, relationally, with in-laws, in our sex life. I mean, in our marriages, we're going to have all kinds of bumps and bruises and barriers. And what I've learned after all these years, when you first get some of these, you think, oh my.
The world's falling apart and what's wrong and this marriage isn't working or I'm a terrible person or am I falling out of love? And we've been so overwhelmed with media thinking that ooey, gooey feelings and this romantic, you know, hallmark type relationship is supposed to be every day in every way that we begin to put our marriages under a microscope. And instead of realizing these are normal things and our long-term hope is we've made a vow before God. And so we need to have a plan. We need to have a plan that says, this is what we're going to do this week.
We need to have a plan with our money. We need to have a plan for when we're going. Going to get away as a couple. We need to have a plan for how we are going to raise our children.
Now, when I say all that, I don't mean that as some big, overwhelming thing that you get it all done tomorrow. What I want you to know, though, is you have to pause. You have to meet at least once a week and really talk about what's coming up, What are the concerns that you have? How each of you are going to address them? You got to be on the same page with common goals and a mutual commitment.
Because if you aren't, you'll start to go your own separate ways. And then about once a quarter minimum, you know, even if it's an afternoon or just one night away, to get together as a couple and do a little, where are we at? How are things really going? Pausing, getting out the calendar. Teresa and I do this about once a month, sometime once every six weeks, and say, let's just look at the next six months.
And we just line out all the different things that are coming up. And we don't necessarily make a huge bunch of decisions, but all of a sudden it's like, oh, wow, if you're going to do that, I didn't realize you were traveling.
Well, what about one of the kids' birthdays? Or one of our grown children have a big anniversary? Or all of a sudden, you're talking about what's going to happen over the next six months. Those kind of conversations that provide perspective. And then for some of you, you just need some hope.
You need to know 90 days from now or 40 days from now, you're going to have that special three or four days away or a weekend or something positive. We all need those carrots out in front of us that a good plan says, you know what? We're going to need a break. That's when we're going to get it and we can make it through this hard season until we get there. Let me encourage you, planning is how you strengthen your hope.
Ready to learn how to multiply the joy in your marriage? I'm Dave Drewy. Join us tomorrow as Chip Ingram continues our series, Choosing Love, right here on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge. Uh
