Do you know someone that needs to tame their temper? You have tried to help them overcome the cycle of destructive reactions and explosive responses, but you just don't know how to help them. If you know someone or you yourself have an issue with anger, stay with us. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Our mission is to inspire Christians to be genuine followers of Jesus and to empower them to be active disciple makers in our world.
Well today we're continuing our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, as Chip shares a profound truth that can actually loosen the grip of anger over our lives.
So with that, grab your notes and Bible as we settle in for Chip's talk, Why We All Struggle With Anger. Anchor. is a secondary emotion. Why we all struggle with anger. I have to start, but I got to tell you a story.
It's a true story, unfortunately. But I'm studying and I'm preaching this material for the first time ever.
So all week I'm studying, studying, studying. It happens to be about a Tuesday night and I'm preparing for this. And all I can tell you, I won't give you all the details, but have you ever had one of those days where you just felt beat up? I mean, you know, this phone call and this person complains and you get a bad look from someone and this was planned and it didn't come through and beat up, beat up, beat up. Kind of the projects weren't going well.
It wasn't bad. No one treated me terribly. But I had one of those moments inside where I just couldn't wait to get home. And at our house, we ate dinner at 5:30, and I just made that a practice that apart from a very rare exception, we just ate together. And but now and then there would be something that, you know, a big meeting, and so I wouldn't.
And so it was about nine o'clock and I'm driving home and I'm thinking, I just cannot wait to talk to Teresa. And I don't have anything big to say. And I mean, if I was really honest, I want to walk in the door and go, oh, honey, it's so good to see you. How'd your day go? Is everything okay?
I mean, that's really, unconsciously, that's sort of what I'm wanting. And then Ryan was sort of a real young guy back then. He was about in his senior year of high school, and he always wanted to, you know, play some ball or talk or goof off. And he was this little, you know. Cute girl, about 10, 11 years old or so.
And so, in my mind, I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna see him. And I don't know what happened. I walk in the house, it's like nine thirty. It's dark. I mean, the whole house is dark.
I don't know if everybody had a big day, a bad day. And so I'm thinking, well, Teresa's probably laying in bed, quietly waiting for me to walk in to say, oh, honey, how did your day go?
So I walk in. I'm waiting for that. And I hear, you know, that rhythmic breathing?
So, okay, plan A doesn't work. I'm gonna go to plan B. Ryan, I mean, he's 17 years old. It's 9:30. Are you kidding me?
The kid can't be asleep. Yeah. Mm-hmm. What do you have, a hard practice? He's gone.
Well, Annie's already been gone. All I can tell you is I just bolted to anger. And I was mad. And you know, I think I made some popcorn, got a glass of orange juice. 45 minutes of ESPN.
I worked really hard today, kind of bummed out. And now, I didn't know I was mad.
Okay, I just felt something's wrong. I didn't know. And I went to bed. And there's some verses about going to bed when you don't know you're mad. It doesn't get better, it grows.
but a disconnect occurs. Often you have emotional feelings and respond in ways you make no connection. I had no idea.
So I get up the next morning. amazingly in a bad mood. Imagine that.
So I can still remember it. I can picture it right now. I'm coming around the corner as I walk out. Annie's coming out of her room, a little 11-year-old. I look in there, Annie, make your bed.
Dad, I just got a annie, don't talk back, make your bed. Honey, Aunt Teresa goes, Honey, she just got up. Look, hey, I'm the father of this house. You know, then Ryan comes up. Hey, Ryan.
Yeah, you had your quiet time yet? Did you do your chores yesterday? Hey, Dad, I haven't even brushed my teeth. Hey, son, don't talk back to me. And so I walk into the kitchen.
Teresa's doing some stuff for breakfast.
So what happened to you? What do you mean what happened to me?
Well, you just seem really out of sorts.
Well, you know what? If I'm going to get criticized all morning, I'm just going to go ahead and go to the office. And literally, I walk out the door. And now, I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't slam the door. This is a Christian anger.
All right.
So I go and I get in my car and I Slam the door, okay? And I start it and I get ready to pull out and then I'm just thinking. Literally, I'm studying all this stuff. Anger is a secondary emotion. It's like the red light on the dashboard of your soul.
It tells you something's wrong under the hood. Chip, what are you going to do with this? And I'm thinking, I'm going to go get a cup of coffee. And get out of here. Yeah.
Chip, that's not what you're supposed to do, and that's not what you're going to tell people this weekend, is it? No. I literally sat in my car with the car running for 10 minutes. In this moment of Really, what's wrong?
Now, especially for men, now I'm not going to put you other guys on the hook, but at least for me. It's hard for me to admit. Oh, I feel sad and disappointed because my wife wasn't awake and give me the strokes that I really wanted. That sounds kind of like a weenie. You know?
Um I feel hurt and rejected because my 17 or 18 year old son wasn't awake to hang out with me. And I can't think of a good reason to be mad at my daughter, but she just says we're in the hall at the wrong time. And I sat there and I thought, now, what am I going to do with this? And after 10 minutes, by the grace prompting of God, I turned off the car. I went inside.
Teresa looked at me like You know, I wonder if round two is coming, you know. And I said, honey, could I get just a minute with you? She goes, sure. I said, I'm I realized I was angry. She looked at me like, oh, wow.
Rocket science, you're really coming along here, you know. And I, and I said, Honestly, I came home last night. I really had a hard day yesterday. I missed you. And I felt really sad and really disappointed.
and it doesn't make sense. I felt rejected because you were asleep. And you didn't do it on purpose. I had these expectations and I had this hurt. And I really needed to talk to you, and you weren't here, and I didn't know it, but I got mad.
But it Okay. It just felt too vulnerable or like there's something wrong with me to admit that I was really hurt and feeling lonely. and I bolted to anger. and I went to bed with that. I just realized that in the car.
And then I went to Ryan. I said, Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong. I mean, you're a great kid. I'm really sorry. And Annie.
Have a great day. Dad, just... It is too much to try and explain. That changed. literally changed a process of the sanctification of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life, when I saw anger is like a red light on the dashboard of my car.
And what I've realized is a lot of times what we do is we go, oh, wow. The red light's flashing. And so we stop the car, get in the trunk, get a hammer out, and smash the red light. That'll take care of that, right? Yeah.
Instead of what when it's on the Lie to the dashboard, what do we know?
Something under the hood is amiss.
Something's wrong. In your notes, I tried to lay it out a little more systematically. It's easier to be angry than to face the deeper issues of anger. Anger is not the problem. It is The Warning Light.
I uh Came across A quote. As I work through this, then Dr. Becca Johnson, she seems to say it. Smarter, clearer, and better. She says, when I was late to pick up My son from school.
I got mad at the clock, the school, the traffic lights, my watch, and the stupid school schedule. before I finally realized the real issue. I was embarrassed that the school secretary had to call me to come and pick up my son. When a client of mine was mad at his boss, he realized that the strong underlying emotions were really insecurity and fear. and not anger.
When I got mad at the driver who made a virtual gesture at me, I later realized that the root feeling was guilt because I had pulled out too far in traffic. and put him and me in danger. When I got angry at a colleague for not including me on a decision, I discovered really my anger was covering my own hurt pride underneath. If you and I are honest with ourselves and brave enough to peel back the anger, we can discover its true motivating force. When people abandon us, let us down, when someone doesn't come through, when we feel rejected, left out, lonely, sad, or sorrowful.
we usually cover it up with anger. Because these emotions are so strong, painful, and confusing. Anger serves as a more satisfying substitute. Anger artificially helps us feel in control when we're feeling out of control. And falsely Helps us feel powerful.
powerful. when we feel powerless. And then she goes on to highlight Some common emotions that cover anger. And just I'll give you the sort of the quick version again so that you'll go, oh. We often cover our anger with when what's underneath is hurt, guilt, shame, powerlessness, betrayal, insecurity, rejection, dashed hopes, feeling trapped, hopelessness, helplessness, unmet expectations, envy, jealousy, resentment, pride, low self-esteem, failure, sense of worthlessness, loneliness, depression, worry, anxiety, pressured, stressed out, disappointment, remorse, exhaustion, fatigue, and grief.
I mean, think of it, I mean, those are real things that every human being experiences all the time in life. And what I want to suggest is the great majority of the time, That's not what comes up on your radar. You get angry.
Some of you, though, know that angry is illegal, so you stuff it. And you don't even know that those are the real issues.
Some of you stuff it for a while because you're a Christian and you feel like blowing up is not very healthy, then you blow up. Other people, you're eating because you're angry.
Some of you are taking prescription drugs because you're angry.
Some of you started off with a social glass of wine at night, and now you have to have two or three. And you're you're covering stuff inside that God wants to heal. And forgive. and restore. We learned that we spew, we stuff, and we leak.
But I want to tell you that anger is a secondary emotion and we all struggle with it. It's the tip of the iceberg. There are many, many underlying causes of anger. I just read about 25 of them. But when you pull them together, you basically can come up with um About three big categories.
We get angry as a result of unmet needs. And I'm going to call that hurt. Because that's what it feels like. I just feel hurt. I had a need to talk.
I had a need to get connected. I had a need for someone to come through for me. I had a need to be loved when I was grieving. The second is unmet expectations, and we'll look at each of these individually. And I just call that frustration.
I expected people to be awake. I expect a friend to be available. I expect people to return my calls. I expect people to do what they said they would do. I expect people that love me to help me when I have.
A need. All right? When they don't. I get mad. And so do you.
The third underlying cause is insecurity when we're personally attacked or threatened. And so, with that, what I'd like to do is, I'd like to walk through each of those, give you some biblical examples, and see if we can't. Here's what I'm gonna ask you to do. I'm gonna pray. That God begins to help you have an aha experience so that from now on, when you get angry, you'll go, ah, this is a secondary emotion.
I have bolted to anger. I wonder, is there an unmet need or hurt that I need to address? Is it an expectation issue? Or was I personally attacked? And I'll give you a tool for each one of these and how to deal with it so God can use your anger to help you instead of make you a prisoner.
So with that, let's look at hurt. Real or perceived unmet needs. Notice Proverbs 19:3. A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord. Haven't you seen this?
People make stupid, bad, terrible decisions. You know, they drive drunk, they do all kinds of crazy stuff, they blow up at mates, they don't care about people, and then when life falls apart, they shake their fist at God. How could you do this to me, God? Because it's too scary to admit their own guilt. their own lack their own culpability and take responsibility for their bad behavior.
Isn't it insightful? What Solomon has to say? A man's own folly ruins his life. Yet his heart rages against the Lord. Notice Proverbs 27:4.
It says, Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but Who can stand before jealousy?
So he pictures anger as this storm and it's cruel but He says there's something behind it. Jealousy is rooted in hurt. Jealousy is the fear of losing someone. The rejection we feel when affection or attention or honor or money goes to someone else that we think belongs to us. And when I feel that, when I feel like, well, my kids need to be giving me this attention, or I should have got credit for that.
and I start to get jealous. Um Let me show you that biblically. Let's look at a quick picture in. In Scripture. With regard to the whole issue of jealousy here, Joseph brothers, okay, you know the story.
You have the youngest son at this point. And Genesis 37 to 39 is the long story. And we pick it up in verse 4. It says, But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him. and could not speak peaceably to him.
So, you have a father who is showing partiality. He gets the nice coat. He gets the easy job. He gets all the attention. You have the other brothers over here, and what are they feeling?
They feel hurt. They feel rejected. This isn't fair.
So they go to their father and say, You know, Dad. I've been reading a couple good books on parenting. And I just really want you to know that this type of behavior is going to be unhealthy for Joseph, for us, and for you as a father. And what I want you to know. What do they do?
They bolt to anger. And so, what they do is, they, this is what we do, they take their anger. And their jealousy, that's the root cause, out on not the object of it. but on the person who's receiving the attention. Isn't that interesting?
They displaced their anger to a safer. Object. Why am I yelling at my kid? in the hallway for not making his bed. Cause I bolted to anger and I'm going to take it out in a safer place.
Joseph Brothers, the Lament Psalms are. You know, sometime read these with a little less sanctified view of how wonderful David and the psalmists are. 25% of all the psalms are someone whining and complaining to God. But you know why they're so raw? They don't cover up their anger.
You're listening to Living on the Edge. Before we continue today's program, let me ask you, is anger devastating your relationships with your family, spouse, or co-workers? Join us after Chip's message to learn more about our valuable small group resource for this series. Stick around to discover how to confront this powerful emotion and harness it for good. But for now, here again is Chip to continue today's message.
David loves God with all of his heart. Why have you forsaken me? What's the deal? This isn't fair.
The enemies are this. You anointed me, king. I'm hiding in caves. I'm dodging spears. I don't get it.
I loved you. I risked my life. I risked my life and I'm out doing your work and I come back and my kids and wife and everyone, they've been taken away and now I got to go fight. Where are you, God? I'm depressed.
Why does my soul Why does my soul, where is the living God? And he pours out his lament. And when he's really honest with his emotions in almost every lament psalm, yet. Thou art enthroned on high, O God. You are the faithful one.
And he'll get perspective and he'll look back. You're the one that delivered us. You're the one who's done this. You're the one who's done this. But he takes the raw emotions of his anger and he gets down to what the real issues are.
And then he gets back and gets God's perspective and then he responds differently.
Some of us don't feel like it's safe to share with God our anger, our hurts, and our frustrations. My favorite passage in this one is Psalm 73. I was so bummed out. I was so mad at God and life. And I had made a commitment in college after becoming a Christian to be sexually pure.
And I decided I was going to walk with God. And that commitment meant that I ended up breaking up with a girlfriend. But I loved her. And I thought she was going to be my wife. And I was playing college basketball.
And for a year and a half, after every college game, she would be at the top of the stairs waiting for me. And we had broken up, and time went on. It was about four months later, and I prayed, you know, God would change your heart, we'd get back together, and all that good stuff. And I came out of the locker room, hair wet, and she's at the top of the stairs. And it was like, yes, thank you, Lord.
Thank you. Yeah. Okay. You know, and I get to the top of the stairs and she kind of looks at me. And then One of the other guards on the team walks by and the two of them walk out the door.
And I mean, I from that doorway. to my dorm room. I was enraged. God, thank you. I really appreciate how you treat your servants.
I'm really glad for how you bless the people. I'm doing life the way you say, and this is what I get. And I mean, I was just ready to can it. If this is what you get for following you with all your heart for staying pure, well, I'll tell you what, God, and some of you, haven't you felt that? You know, my finances are in order, and now look what's happening, and this and that, and people are getting bailed out, and this and that.
And I did this, and what happened? And my husband, or my wife, or one of my kids, someone walked out on them. And, you know, I was faithful and I came in on time, and now they're downsizing, and I get ripped up, right? And I remember that night saying, God, I... This isn't fair and I was angry and I opened Psalm seventy three.
And I read Psalm 73. And it says My heart was embittered. I was like a beast before you. I was ready to give up the Christian life. I looked at the arrogant and evil, and the pride is their necklace, and they don't have any pain, and everything goes great for them.
When I came to the sanctuary of the LORD, I perceived their end. Then I got perspective. Their life is like a vapor. God in a moment can pull out the rug, and all they have is gone, and they have no future. As for me, the nearness of God is my good.
I have made the Lord God my refuge. My heart and my flesh may fail, but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever. And all I want you to see is that underneath your anger, often. It really is hurt. And the tool is what I call a I feel message.
I shared that Teresa and I had a lot of struggles, and we went to counseling, and we paid a lot of money to give you a lot of help later. And we didn't know how.
So when she got angry, she closed down, she stuffed, and I leaked. Is not a good combination. And so we went to this counselor, and he realized you guys can't. You know, you can't resolve anger. And when you do, you attack each other, which is not good either.
And so, and we did it in real godly ways. I mean, you know, we weren't throwers and shouters and screamers and cussers. We just But you know what, it just tore us apart. And so on a 3x5 card, he wrote, I feel dash when you dash. And we put that 3x5 card on the refrigerator, and he taught us, this is how you communicate.
Your hurt or your anger, and it goes something like this: I feel hurt when you pay more attention to the kids than me. I feel disappointed. When you don't come home for supper and don't call, I feel rejected. When I want to be physically close to you. And you shut down emotionally.
I feel angry. When you shout and yell. when we talk about a sensitive issue. And for three Two years that was on a refrigerator. And we learned.
to say I feel messages to one another. And God really used it. And he used it in an amazing, amazing way. And I would like you to think about who might need to hear. an I feel message from you.
When's the last time you really got angry with someone or something, And as a result of our time already, you realize you kind of stuffed it. or you sort of spewed And that really didn't work very well. Or you find yourself joking about the same thing, you know, a little sarcasm, little barbs. And I'd just like you to think about what would it be like? What's the real issue?
What's behind it? What really bugs you? Why are you mad?
Okay, the red light, it's anger. But what's underneath that? Who hasn't come through for you? Which one of those grandkids, after helping him go through college, doesn't write, doesn't call, and you realize, you know, I'm just ticked off. I'm just mad.
Who at work? You know, you've helped them get to where they are, and they've made some progress. And it's like, hey, you know, it's like you don't exist anymore. Who's one of your friends that you know used to hang out with a lot? And and and now, you know.
You know, there's sort of that unwritten rule, if you're a really close friend and you call, you get a call back the same day. And now it's like four days or five days, and you don't even get a call, you get an email, hey, I got your call, thanks, I'm busy. And there's just something that's happening inside. You understand what I'm saying? There's something happening inside.
It's not like you're gonna go, hey, I'd like to really confront you about our relationship right now, okay? Coffee shop, just you and me, mano to mano, womo to womano, all right? You are not responding to my email in a timely manner, and I feel deeply hurt. I don't think we're going to go there. But what it would be like to have some time together and say, hey, could we get a cup of coffee?
And just, you know, say, you know, I sense a little drift in our relationship. And this may sound silly, but I feel hurt. After all that we've been through. When I call and I don't get a response for three or four days, could I just share that with you as a brother? See, you're attacking the issue.
Not the person. And I will tell you, when you hold that inside, you know what, you get resentment toward the person. And then some of us, you know what? I won't call him back. When he calls me, I'll give him an email.
You know, and we start these silly games. And God wants you to know. He wants to use your anger for your good. Anger is a secondary emotion. One of the primary causes is hurt.
We see it from Joseph's brothers. We see it throughout the Psalms. And I want you to just stop right now, okay? Close your eyes. I'm going to ask a question, and let's just a quick little exercise.
Father, right now, I ask you to bring to mind. A person or a situation in the lives of the people in this room. where they have been hurt. And I'd like you to right now just in just practice, visualize in your mind what it would look like. And it might be a phone call because they're too far away or...
But what would it look like just to say, I feel hurt. I feel left out. I feel wounded. I felt disappointed when you didn't invite me to the wedding. When you you fill it in.
You got it? And Father, I pray that you would grant us the grace and the courage. to not bolt to anger. But to realize that we're human and as humans we get wounded and hurt. And we don't want the wounds to fester, and we don't want resentment.
or bitterness or anger. to cause a root of bitterness, and many be defiled. Help us to have the courage. To deliver a loving, kind, I feel message. to get the issue on the table and to speak the truth in love.
In Jesus' name. Amen. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to part one of Chip's message, Why We All Struggle with Anger, from our series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Jip will be back shortly to share some helpful application for us to think about. Have you ever been told you have an anger problem?
Has your temper damaged or ruined a meaningful relationship? Are the frustrations of daily life weighing you down?
Well, let's be honest, everyone struggles to control this powerful emotion at times. In this series, Chip reveals the common ways anger manifests and shares practical, biblical solutions to rein it in before it destroys you and your most treasured relationships. Don't miss how to be, as Jesus said, angry without sinning.
Well, Chip's back in the studio with me now, and Chip you know this series really speaks to all of us, because no one's exempt from losing their temper or becoming angry, but some of us handle it better than others.
So what would you say to that person who's concerned about their anger but hasn't had the courage to call it what it really is?
Well, Dave, uh the problem with anger is that most of us try and hide it. I mean, we have been brainwashed into thinking that anger is bad, anger is a sin, and we've experienced unrighteous anger toward us that has caused us to say, I don't want to go there, and I feel bad when I do go there.
So we mask it with things like, well, I'm just really frustrated right now, or we have some spiritual language, or we blame other people. There's very few people that you'll hear say, you know what, I'm really angry right now. And I wonder what that means and what is God saying to me and how do I deal with it. The power is in getting these things on the table in a safe environment. Anger destroys your relationship with God.
Anger cuts you off from people. Anger causes you to stuff stuff, and the high percentage of people that are depressed are around unresolved anger issues. And so we've put this in the format of a book. But the format that has been most powerful is in a small group, Dave. I actually lead the small group.
We have a study guide where people can follow along and then process some issues, and then in a safe environment, We have just heard amazing feedback of people actually seeing that anger is something God uses to change them instead of something that cuts them off from God and others.
So I really encourage people to get on the journey with us and let us help you overcome emotions that destroy. Thanks, Chip.
Well, to get your hands on this valuable resource, visit livingontheedge.org. Dig into this study with a group of friends and uncover how anger may be impacting you and what you can do to harness it to grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Get your hands on the overcoming emotions that destroy Small Group today by going to livingontheedge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. App Listeners Tap Special Offers.
Well here again is Chip to share a final word. In today's program, the big idea, I mean, the whopper is that anger is a secondary emotion. You do not have an anger problem. Anger is the tip of the iceberg. Underneath of it, there are three major reasons.
There may be more, but there's three major reasons, and we dealt with the first one. We talked about unmet needs or when we're hurt. The second is unmet expectations. And the third is a basic insecurity issue. And we'll deal with that in our next broadcast.
But when you have unmet needs, you get wounded or you get hurt. And so the tool is to say an I feel message. What we tend to do is we get into oughts and shoulds and demands and arguments. And I talked about the I feel message. Here's your application for today.
Who in your world, who in your relational network, a mate, a child, a boss, a friend? Who needs to hear, I feel hurt, I feel frustrated, I felt offended when you, and you actually do an I feel message. You might get with a friend and practice a little bit, but I will tell you, when you can begin to get your hurts and wounds on the table without attacking people, God is going to heal relationships. Are you ready? Are you willing?
Give that person an I feel message sometime this week. Great challenge, Chip.
Well, coming up on the next edition of Living on the Edge, we'll continue Chip's series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. I hope you'll join us. But until then, I'm Dave Truy. Thanks for listening.
