As your child moves into adulthood, And whether that's going off to college or starting a career or getting married. I don't know if there's a more difficult or challenging time to be a parent. than when you have adult kids. I thought my parenting was over. Ah, ah, ah.
When I meet with other parents of adult children, we still have a lot to learn. That's today you don't want to miss it. Thank you for being with us for this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip serves as our Bible teacher for this global teaching and discipleship ministry, helping Christians develop an authentic faith.
Well, in just a minute, we'll wrap up our newest series, Uninvited Guests. And we've covered a lot of ground over the past many, many broadcasts as Chip shared some essential biblical wisdom for parents, husbands, and wives. Our goal for this entire teaching has been to strengthen families amidst this hostile culture.
So if you want to catch up on any messages that you missed or revisit one that you really liked, go to livingontheedge.org. or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Well in this program we'll hear the second half of Chip's conversation with his friend Jim Burns, author of the book Doing Life with Your Adult Children.
Now last time they discussed the first three principles from Jim's book that parents need to adopt in their relationships with their grown kids. Today they'll walk through the last three.
So grab your Bible and notes as Chip begins with principle number four. When your grown children violate your values, You can't want it. more than they want it. And so we're talking about they're cohabitating. Maybe they have a porn or alcohol or drug addiction or they've chosen an alternative lifestyle.
Or they've just said, you know what, you, your faith, Jesus. Forget it. You call this the cringe factors. You know, it's easy to say you can't want it more than they want it, but of course, we want it to go a different way. And so many parents who really raised their kids in the church, and their kids were in the youth group and whatnot, and they strayed, and they have continued to stray.
Yet, I think there's some principles that we can learn from this that can help us navigate it. And it's not a simple thing, because how do you show love and grace? And hold to a biblical worldview that is different than where they're going. Plus, you're also dealing with your own grief. When one of our kids bumped and not in a world's worst way, but Kathy and I said, oh, we should have had him more at youth group, or if we would have prayed together more as a family, or we put it all on us.
And one of the things I say in this case is that really good parents sometimes have kids who make poor choices. And I think that's really important for us to hear. As we deal with this. But when someone does this, you've got to give them tough love.
Now, tough love, Chip, is not. Meanness. I think some people think, oh, we have to be mean, and we start emptying all of our frustration and anger at our kids. Tough love is allowing the consequences to take place. Let me tell you an illustration.
friends of ours their daughter raised in the church great people. She went away to the University of Virginia and she moved in with her boyfriend. Her parents were paying for college, and they went out and said, Look at here's the deal. If you wanna live with your boyfriend, you're acting like an adult.
So that means we're not gonna keep paying for this. And she said, but you call yourselves Christians and I can't believe that you would do this. And, you know, we love each other and it's a new world and understand the culture and all the things. And they held their ground. Basically, this woman had no money now.
And so she figured out how to kind of navigate through school for a little bit. She eventually called back and said, We've broken up. I want to come home and have a conversation with you. And I loved that.
So they showed love. But they also had, well, there's consequences to that.
So, because you moved in, we're not going to keep paying for school. That's part of the deal. I heard you say something though that I think is really important for people to hear is You know, this wasn't like spiritual ping-pong. No, you moved in.
Okay, no more money. This was. We care about you. You're an adult. You can make your own decisions.
whether it's about your sexuality or education or others. At our house, we always talked about these two things go together, decisions and responsibility.
So if you get 100% authority to make all the decisions, you get all the responsibility that goes with it. That's a great point. One of the things we talk about is that you can't bail them out if they make this decision. This is what's tough, especially when addictions and straying from faith and cohabitation, all these things, and there are consequences to that. But the non-bailing out says, I love you so much that I'm not going to enable you to make.
poor choices.
Well, I will say having been a pastor for Over 35 years, what you're describing is what people intellectually may agree with. But the average Christian parent is saying, I just can't do that. Where do you get the kind of courage? Because My observation, and the many emails and letters we get. are train wreck after train wreck after train wreck of people bailing their kids out and they don't learn and there's not the consequences.
What do you say to that parent who says, okay, I paid for one rehab, nothing's changed. We can't get on the same page even as parents, which is a big one. About what does tough love really look like?
Well, it's hard. And I think sometimes maybe you do pay for it more times. But the mistake we make is we continue to go in that direction. I just don't think that works. When they blow it, I think you say, Here's what we can do, and here's what we can't do.
But I don't think it happens in the heat of the moment. I think you try to do it beforehand. If you choose to live in that lifestyle, then we're not going to pay for this. We still love you. And we still are gonna have a relationship with you, but here's what some of those consequences are gonna be.
And we're not gonna bail you out. There's such a tension of truth and grace. And I think being able to say, I don't agree with you. you can make that decision, you're an adult. If you want to live with your girlfriend, the research is that 10 years later, only one out of 10 people, even if you marry, will ever be together.
I'm for you. I love you. But these are the consequences of that decision. I had a woman ask me last week, what would I do? And it was a situation where a kid had definitely strayed from faith.
And I said, does she know what you believe? Yes. Does she know how you feel about where she's going and the direction she's going? Yes. Well, then have a relationship with her.
If she likes to shop, shop. Don't be a one-topic parent in this place. I think even in Bible-believing circles, we're seeing a tremendous movement away from some core. Orthodox morality, well, you just have to love and accept people. And I think love is giving another person.
what they need the most. when they deserve it the least, at great personal cost. When I think of the cross, What I needed the most. forgiveness when I deserve it the least. I was rebelling.
I was an enemy of God. At great personal cost. And I think sometimes the cost is us as parents, there's a distance in the relationship. I've got a close friend whose daughter entered the gay and lesbian lifestyle, and you don't love me, and why aren't you doing this? And why aren't you doing that?
And he said, as kindly as he could, Who moved? I love you. And he took initiative. He cared and did all that he could. But unless he would agree with her lifestyle for a season, she cut him out.
And sometimes tough love. It's harder on us than it is on the person, and we really need support and counsel and wisdom and then. I mean, this sounds simplistic and yet it's so important. I think we have to relinquish our children to God. You know, and I pray this prayer.
I re-release. And relinquish my children to your loving care and your tender mercies because you love them more than I do. And I still don't understand that because I love my kids so much. I don't know where you're at, but. I can only imagine that you or someone you love knows someone.
That has a grown adult child whose lifestyle, whose faith, or one of these cringe issues is a part of their life. let me encourage you, don't give up on them. You keep as many doors open and you are that prodigal. Father waiting? and yet you keep the consequences and I think that's where parents often K then.
and actually end up enabling the very thing. Because they don't like the feeling of being called unloving or the distance with their child. Let me encourage you, don't be all love, no truth. Don't be all truth and no love. Build a relationship where possible.
I mean, that's the principle. And I'll just tell you all: the word navigate. Is chosen very, very carefully because sometimes the waters are smooth and sometimes they're rocky and sometimes you're in the middle of a storm. And Jim, we really want to talk about. I think what people feel the most.
And I love this principle. They will never know how far the town is if you carry them on your back. We talked about launching them and we get to know their culture and values. And now it's like, are you really helping them or are you enabling them? And you shared a great story that I think really pictures this.
Share that with us. Yeah. And it's actually the failure to launch story in some ways because I think if we are enabling them, we're not going to help them launch.
So Sean walked in to my office and I have a couch. It's not that big of a couch, but Sean is on one side. and his mom and dad are on the other. And they said, we have a problem with Sean. And the problem is that he graduated from school, UCLA, great school.
He did well with school, but he's come back home. He's getting up late about one o'clock. Plays video games. He's a vegan, so my wife fixes him. a vegan meal and then we eat our meal at dinner.
But he doesn't really eat with us. And then he kind of parties out. Most of the night and comes back and sleeps till one. And now, when Sean came in, he had a smirk on his face. He looked kind of happy.
The mom and the dad were mad. They were mad at Sean. The mom and dad were mad at each other. The wife was just struggling like crazy as a mom. Her heart was broken.
So they kept going on and on. And finally, they said, Sean has a problem. And I said, actually? I don't think Sean has a problem. I think you guys have the problem.
Sean has a pretty good life. You're taking care of him, you're even cooking him a different meal. And the point was that they were actually enabling Sean. He still had the family credit card. They were still paying for his gas.
They were paying for all of this stuff. And Sean was saying, you know, I'm going to get around to finally getting a job and whatnot, but he didn't even have a job. We have to look at it if we're carrying him on our back. We've got to. Firmly take them off of our back and place them where they can make some of those decisions.
We use a phrase in the recovery movement for people who are alcoholics and addicts: it's you earned it. You know, there's pain in life. It's either the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. We have to teach our kids that. And what I like to say, and somebody once said this to me, a man named Dr.
Bill Hall: when the pain of remaining the same, is greater than the pain of changing. That's when they'll change. And that's good for me. That's good for my own relationship with God. It's good for my relationship with my wife, but it's also good for my adult children.
That it is okay for them to have pain. And in fact, We have to look at sometimes their pain as something that's good. You know, in many ways, it's the biblical principle that says you reap what you sow. We have to allow some of that negative to happen so that you're not enabling them, but you're helping them to become the responsible adult who does not. have a failure to launch.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and he'll be right back to finish today's message. But first, if this new series from Chip has inspired you, consider joining the Living on the Edge team. In fact, let me encourage you to stick around after the teaching to hear about a special gift we have for those who become monthly partners. You're not going to want to miss out. But until then, here again is Chip.
And it really ties back into you can't want it more than they want it. I think of Hebrews 12, 11, all discipline for the moment. seems not to be joyful but sorrowful. Yet those who have been, here's a key word, trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness. And training is not talking to your kids and saying, you really need to get out there and get a job.
You need to get up earlier. You need to do this. You need to do that. And it is different. We have a different relationship with our adult children if they live outside of the house or if they live inside of the house.
Even if they're going to college, they're young adults. Then I think it's pretty key that we put some expectations and boundaries. And I think, as parents, we talk about everything else, we talk about their education, we talk about this. Why don't we put some expectations and boundaries? And I think they have to be pretty simple.
But If we do have those. Expectations and boundaries, they at least have a roadmap. Be productive, honor our moral code when you're in the house.
Now, again, you can't follow your kids all around. We'd like to sometimes, but you can't. But in our house, this is how you're going to do it. I know somebody who they wanted their girlfriend to come and sleep in the same bedroom with them at their house. And the parents said, No, this is our home, and you're going to honor our moral code, even though you're not honoring our moral code outside.
Way to go, you know, parents on that. I think also they have to be financially responsible. If they don't, it's time for them to move on. See, you give them even more than the passport to adulthood. You give them the passport to financial responsibility.
But if they don't have boundaries and expectations, the mistake we make is that we make it mushy or we don't talk about it. Could we have you as our expert address?
some couples who are One is saying, oh, you know, he'll end up homeless. We have to keep paying for this or doing that, and another going, How long are we going to live in this and it's ruining our home? What do you say to that couple?
Well, for one thing, I would say to the couple that they're not alone. When we talk about the issues ahead of time, it's easier for us to follow through. It's hard. I mean, I remember when our kids were little and they would grind on us and we're tired and we're stressed. And we go, okay, yeah, 20 cookies.
We don't care. We're just tired. If you'll just be quiet about it. That was not a good decision, obviously, because then the sugar high would kick in. But it's the same with adult children.
We have to get on the same page. You don't get on the same page in the heat of the moment, you get on the same page before. When you set up some of those boundaries and expectations. But I think. People support what they help create.
So not only is it that you and your spouse are creating it, but you're also bringing your adult child into it and saying, let's create a plan that's going to work. And at the same time, if we have to create an exit plan, we're going to create an exit plan that'll work. When you do that, That gets you closer together, but you're still going to have to live with the fact that sometimes, at least the way we parented, Kathy and I, we're going to have to agree to disagree because she was going to go in this direction, I was going to go in this direction. We realized that our differences. when we embrace them.
We made a pretty good team. Terese and I, I'm so glad they didn't just have me as a parent, and I'm so glad they didn't just have her. We had a lot of arguments and a lot of come to Jesus meetings with one another, but this is super helpful. As you listen to Jim and I with the normal issues we've had, here's what I'd recommend: come up with a plan. First, identify what is the problem in your home.
What are the real issues that are surfacing? Second is get on the same page, not just as a couple or especially as a single parent. You might need some outside help. But get your adult child and sit down together. not during an argument, but at a time when you can really say, we need to resolve this.
And the final thing I would say is: Jim, some people need some help on the outside. And the only way you do that is you go to the pastor of your church or an older couple that you trust, because if you had. figured it out and it was running smoothly, then you wouldn't need the help. I mean, some of these things are heavy and difficult. This is one of those where we need to get some outside help.
To help us first and then help us deal with this issue with one of our adult children. And just before we jump into this, a final principle. We've covered a lot and it's rooted in a book that Jim wrote, Doing Life with Your Adult Children. And I love the subtitle, Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Matt Out.
So Jim, thanks for writing this. And we're here because I read this book and I applied it and then I realized how many letters and emails we get around this topic. And we're going to talk about something now that I think is one of the very biggest ones. It might be one that we do the worst. but it's actually one of the easiest to fix.
if you have the courage to do it. And so this is the principle. Financial independence and responsibility is the goal. How do you help your adult children? Become financially independent.
Well, we're not talking about wealth or deep capacity or whatever, but we are talking about. For them to be responsible adults, they're going to have to be financially independent. And I think we have to keep in mind the high cost of money to a relationship.
So I think it's important that we keep it simple. But I don't think we make it complicated. And I think sometimes we do make it complicated. And let me say from the beginning, 75% of parents do put some money into their adult children's lives. I mean, one time or another.
But again, with the thought in mind that they're going to become responsible adults, I think it's important for us to help them have a clear plan. And actually, an exit strategy, meaning, okay, right now we're paying for some of this, but what's the exit strategy?
Now, obviously, that happens when the kids are in those emerging adult years, those younger years. Maybe there's still some money there, but at all costs, we've got to help them have that exit strategy. You know what? They want that too, Chip. They really do.
But it's part of developing the plan. You know, this sounds so unspontaneous, but that's what good parenting is. Parenting is training. Parenting is discipline. You know, when Paul said to Timothy, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness, he used an athletic term, meaning you're going to have to discipline yourself.
And he was talking about godliness. But part of our godliness is how we handle our money. And what I like to say is, when you say, I love you, you may still be saying no to giving them more money. Flesh that out for me. That's a good one.
Well, sometimes people think, well, because I love my kids so much, I want to help them get that great car. I want to help them get this new house or whatever it might be. And we think that's love. But sometimes love is saying, no, I can't do that for you, even if you could. You know, I know of a couple who they help their children get into a house.
I don't have a problem with that. But what they did was their kids wanted this amazing house.
So they actually helped them get into a house that was more expensive than their house. And they took it out of retirement funds because their plan had been to retire at a certain stage and they needed those funds.
Well, come to find out, even the kids couldn't afford this dream home.
So now the parents have not only put money out of the retirement fund to do it, but they're also now paying a little bit monthly to help them. And finally, the thing blew up. What they should have said at the beginning was no, or said, you know what? We got into a starter home. It wasn't as snazzy as the home you want.
will help you with this much. I was involved in three weddings, and what we had to do was say to our kids, Hey, I know that the average wedding in America is this much, and we don't have that.
So, here's what we're going to give you. you know, go for it. In fact, if you want to go on a cheaper one, we'll still give you that much money.
So I think part of what a parent can do. For their adult children, and I think it starts even sometimes younger, is actually teach them to be good stewards of money. Things like have a budget. A lot of parents have never taught their kids how to have a budget and then they just expect them to be okay.
Well, why aren't we helping them? create a budget.
Now, some parents don't have a budget either. But help them have a budget, help them understand that debt can be slavery. In fact, the Bible's pretty clear about debt.
So again, we've got to teach them good stewardship. I think it starts really early. The passage that my children heard, Luke 16, 10 says, he who is faithful in a very little thing will be faithful also in much. And the context of that is money. And so you have to have this plan where I mean even okay you're 19 you need to pay for your phone you pay for this and I'll pay for the insurance on your car So we're graduating it.
If you think that they turn. 23 and are out of college, and they have the skills, probably not a good plan. No, and the question you have to ask yourself: am I providing money to help them? Launch, or am I actually providing money that's going to prolong dependence on us? And so we're setting them up for failure.
If they have been bankrupt or if they have huge college debt or whatever, now they get married.
Well, you know 31% of marriages say that the number one reason they got Divorced was because of money problems.
So, do we teach them delayed gratification? Do we teach them to give and to save? The people I know who give and save, those are young couples who really have done well. And one young couple said to one of these mentors, Well, how do we become good financial stewards? And he said, Two words, good decisions.
Well, how do you make good decisions? One word. Experience. How do you go through experience? Two words, bad decisions.
And so, again, let your kids learn on their own. Cheer them on, but don't enable them. Way too many parents enable their kids and it gets complicated and they get angry and then the kids don't pay back.
Now you've got a relationship problem as opposed to just a financial problem. I remember when My son was probably 19 years old, maybe 20.
So excited, dad, do you see that car? Yeah, it's great.
Well, I don't have quite enough credit. Will you co-sign? I said, no.
Well, what do you mean? I said, no.
buy a car you can afford.
Well, how much do you have saved?
Well, I don't have anything saved. then I guess you're not ready to buy a car. And you know, he had a Pretty old. car that he didn't like that he could afford. And I mean, he looked at me like.
You're the devil incarnate. I thought you loved me. I thought you were my dad, you know? And I look back on that as feeling a little bit bad. for a moment and then realizing how important that is.
And we had three jars when my kids were small. Giving. Saving spending, and we started with ten pennies, ten dimes, all the way through. Having a bank account, learning to write your checks before you graduated.
Now, no one writes checks anymore. But I would just say this is one where, again, you might need some outside help because the fact is. Most of their parents aren't on the budget. Most of the parents have a lot of debt. And this is one where you, I think, have to look at yourself and say, we need to get our house in order.
And resist this, I feel. Like I'm a good parent because I'm buying or taking care of things, often going into debt to do it. I have a friend who actually was kind of in that realm. They weren't working on a budget and they were struggling themselves with their adult children, and they were giving their adult children money, not thinking about it. And they ended up going to a class at a church, Financial Peace University.
And so then they worked together to get. Their acts together, both of them. And you know what? Both of them are now debt-free. And that improves the marriage.
So they actually help the marriage of their son and daughter-in-law because. they took the courageous step for them to get healthy financially first.
Well, I will just tell you that of all the things as a parent you can do, is help your children get financially stable, independent, and trust in God. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to the remainder of Chip's insightful conversation with author and speaker Jim Burns. To learn more about Jim's book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children, visit livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003.
Well, our Bible teacher Chip Ingram is here in studio now to share something really important with all of you. Thanks, Dave. Have you ever tossed a rock in a pond and watched the ripples travel across the water?
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Well from all of us here, I'm Dave Druy, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
