Every now and then I'll pick up a book. and say, why didn't I get this 10 years earlier? And the book was by Jim Burns and it was How to Parent Your Adult Children. And so I asked Jim, would you come? and share about parenting adult kids.
And thank God he said yes, and that's today. Welcome to this Edition of Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Our mission is to inspire Christians to be genuine followers of Jesus and to empower them to be active disciple makers in our world. Thanks for joining us as we begin to wind down our insightful series, Uninvited Guests, Recognizing and Resisting the Attacks on Your Family. And as Chip teas today, he'll sit down with his friend Jim Burns, author of the book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children.
For these last two programs, they'll walk through six vital principles that parents must embrace as their kids become adults.
So if you're ready, here's Chip and Jim Burns to dive right into this meaningful discussion. We've gotten so many letters and emails about this topic. And I thought, we've got to help people, but I've got enough issues with my adult children. I wanted to come to an expert.
So, Jim, you've got a number of principles that we've taken what we felt like were the top six that we hear from our audience. And I would just like you to go over those and let's just have a conversation to help the people that are, I think, having at best challenges and at worst, some real hard times. The more we think about it as our kids get to be adults, they're running parallel journeys. We don't know what we're doing as a parent of an adult child, because we've never done that before, and they don't know what they're doing. Because they've never been an adult before.
So the first principle is your role as a parent has to change. In fact, I tell parents, you're fired. Not as a parent, but you're fired as a day-to-day parent because you've invested two decades of your life. pretty much in control and focusing on those kids and now They're leaving. And so, what you've got to do is actually help them leave by giving them the passport.
To adulthood. And I don't think that's easy for them sometimes. And I know it's not easy for us, especially if they're not. making those great decisions. I know for me, I was an old coach, pastor, I have a lot of suggestions.
I've got a lot of, hey, this is how you can do it. That did not go over real well. And I realized that talk about that role, that passport. I had to become a consultant, and that's a very, very different role. How do you launch them?
What are specific things you can do to help them?
Well, really, I think there is a job description, and I agree with you. It's not easy. I'm the guy who said, So, why do they need to go to Europe to find themselves? I have all the answers right here. But if I'm gonna do it right, I've gotta help them.
Launched by actually rewriting the script and rewriting the way I do it. And I've been a parent. Of a child. And even when teens, it was a parent-child relationship. But I think we have to move it to an adult-to-adult relationship.
And I find for a lot of parents they have trouble there because their kids aren't exactly acting like adults, especially in those what we call the emerging adult years. But when we do that, that means that. In launching them, we have to help them become more independent. And really, they're moving from dependence on you toward independence. My kids would say, Well, I'm an adult.
And I'd be saying, Well, I'm paying for your cell phone. I'm actually paying for your college. I think there's an insurance bill that we're popping for. And so it was hard. I think it's important for us to, as we give them that passport, I think we have to be encouraging but not intrusive.
And we want to be intrusive because a lot of times we have that right answer. I was thinking about somebody who lives up in your area. She's a vice president of a major, major company up there in the Silicon Valley. She's 45 years old, has done very well for herself. And her mother said, It's cold outside, honey, put on a coat.
And it bothered her.
So she said, well, mom, I think I'm pretty capable of deciding if I'm going to put on the coat. And The mom said, Well, I'm your mother. You put on that coat. She's 45 years old. And I said, Well, what'd you do?
She goes, Well, I put on the coat, of course. But again, as a parent, we have to let them. experience some of the highs and the lows. Uh I learned how to do it How to ride a bike because I scan my knee. And this is a time period that's really hard for us because if not, there'll be a failure to launch if we just kind of keep doing it for them.
We see that a lot, don't we? Yeah. You know, the joke of the 30-year-old in the back bedroom who's eating mom's food, mom's doing the clothes, all those, and never grow up. And, you know, Psalm 127, I love this passage. Children are a heritage from the Lord, an offspring of reward.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, children are born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. And then he talks about they won't be put to shame when they contend to their opponents in the court. And the idea that our kids are arrows launched toward a target, that there's intentionality, that the real goal isn't that everything is the way you like it, but they actually fulfill the purpose that God has for them. And I think that's hard for us because we like, or at least I liked, I liked them being dependent on me.
And one of the aspects of that first principle of your role as a parent has to change. For me is I have to ask the question, am I helping or enabling dependency? And I think sometimes it's our fault because we still want to be needed and we don't like the role that has now been given us. But when you talk about that scripture and you talk about launching them with arrows, then we have to help them become responsible adults. And isn't that the bottom line?
We want our kids to be responsible adults who love God. Nobody said it was going to be perfect. In fact, the scripture is very clear that it's not going to be this easy, clear path. There's going to be some bumps and bruises along the way, but they learn through those bumps and bruises. If we enable dependency, then that's more our problem as a parent instead of allowing them to launch and let them experience some of the highs and lows of life.
We had to do that. Yeah. They have to make some decisions that don't go so well. this sort of emotional or physical or sometimes even financial skinning of their knee. I have three sons and a daughter.
They're all grown now, and I'm learning about this. And your book was very, very helpful. But my youngest, he just didn't like school. And so one, six weeks, he'd do well, and then he'd just fall off the cliff.
Well, this is like for five years in a row.
So he graduates from high school, and I'm going to go to college. And I remember thinking this through.
Okay, wait a second. This isn't my money. This is God's money. And I sit down with him. And I say, you've never put two, six weeks together.
And so I said, son, this may sound cruel. But you can work for a year. I'll give you a very low rent. In fact, I'll take all the money and I'll put it towards your college. But you need to come up with $10,000 and work for the next year.
So you pay for that first semester. And then, if you do well, we'll jump in it together. And you know, he did landscaping and then he did window tensing. And then, after about six months, he said, Dad, I got news for you. I'm going to college.
Now, those are good jobs, but he realized. I really need to become responsible. And I talked till I was blue in the face. But that experience is what taught him it.
Well, experience is a better teacher than advice. You know, each child is different along the way. And when we do that, We have to look at each individual and say what is best for them to help them launch to become a responsible adult. There's an element of it, too, in that. when we let them go.
There is a sense of loss. I find a lot of parents, and I'm in the same place you are, I have three daughters.
So, of course, we had no hormones or drama in our life. But I have three daughters who are now launched, and yet there was a sense of loss for us. Our identity was around those kids. And now that we're launching them, We had to almost grieve the fact that we're in a different phase, even though it's a great phase. I would say too, it is often very different for the woman that is the man and being on the same page about launching.
My wife intellectually understood that Our son has to be responsible or sending him to college is not a good plan. Her head got that, her heart didn't. I mean, it's embarrassing for him. I mean, how can you do this? Said, well, we either can protect him or we can help him grow up.
And sometimes helping people grow up is hard. Exactly right. As the role changes, we have to get as physically Emotionally and spiritually healthy together. And I actually think sometimes for people who are married, and I realize there's a lot of single parents out there, but for people who are married, one of the most important things is that they get on the same page. They make some of those decisions.
Now, again, we're never going to be totally on the same page. Kathy and I are on the same page, and we write books on parenting and marriage. That's what's funny. But the point being is, the more you can be united, and it really does take some time and effort and i didn't think it was going to be as complicated As they became young adults and adults. And it is complicated.
And it was complicated for Kathy and I to work on ourselves. But when we work on our own self, somebody once said to me, Untended fires soon become nothing but a pile of ashes. And I realized that during a season, even when our kids were teens, we weren't tending the fire within our own souls and we weren't tending the fire within our own marriage enough. And so we had to kind of do some course corrections in order to help those kids launch.
So the second principle here is unsolicited advice. is usually taken as criticism. Could you unpack that for us? You know, it's funny is I was saying to you that people, they start shaking their heads once I say that. Unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism.
They go, oh, oh, that's my kid. But the principle is keep your mouth shut, the welcome met out.
Now, there are some things that when a kid is straying deeply and having struggles, obviously they need to know what we believe, what we think. But I think we do that too often, and then they don't launch.
So it goes back to the idea that they don't want advice, they're not seeking sometimes our advice. The fact is, is that they're going to have to learn. It's back to what we said in that first principle: that experience is a better. teacher then advice. And I think that's really hard for us because we typically do know the answers.
We typically do have the answers. And it's hard to sit back and say, okay, they're going to have to navigate this. And I think we often feel very rejected. I mean, it's like you're now 19, 20, and. You don't even ask me.
How did I get dumb? And then we have a conversation sitting around the table or over a cup of coffee someplace, and you're telling me, Oh, I got this off the internet, or so-and-so says this. I'm thinking, What do you mean? And it was really hard, I think, for us to accept. Them pulling away is a part of them growing up.
And actually, that's healthy, because a lot of times we don't see that as healthy. It gets back to our own unhealthiness. But really, them pulling away is a positive trait because they're going to have to figure out how to do it on their own. I think we have to ask for permission. How have you done that with your kids?
Well, I remember with Christy one time, Christy and Steve, my son-in-law, they were living with us for two months, and they were going to move to Texas for a year. And they were talking about the move. And so I'm listening in on this, and I'm not thinking either one of them have a really good idea on how they're going to move. They're trying to do it cheap.
So I walked in and I said, Can I ask you guys for permission to kind of give you some advice? Christy, who's in an intense conversation with Steve, says, not now, Dad. And I went, oh. And I thought, wait, people pay me to give them advice. And my own daughter doesn't want this.
So I walked away and I did the right thing. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And we'll get you back to today's message in just a minute. But quickly, it should be clear from this new series how passionate we are about encouraging husbands and wives and empowering them to be God-honoring parents. And that's why we've also created a new engaging tool that couples can rely on every day to strengthen their relationship.
Stick around after the teaching to learn how to get your hands on this resource. But for now, here again is Chip. I had an interesting situation on this Keep Your Mouth Shut. My son-in-law, I knew him before my daughter did, and I could tell he was a little bit sweet on her. And it's a long journey.
And he asked me to mentor him. We met every week for like two years, and man, we're really tight. And he's digging into the scriptures, and it's been really, really great. I'm over at this house, and he goes. Could we be peers?
I said, what?
Well, I appreciate your wise counsel, but It just feels like every time we're together, You're either sharing something you're learning, or here's a thought you might have, or no matter what I'm doing, you sort of want to help me. I mean, I really respect you, but could we just hang out? I didn't even know I was doing it yet. Right. And you had been in a different role with him.
Yeah. And I think we do that with our kids. We do that sometimes with the significant others and the in-laws. And what he really did was he gave you a gift. I love all the advice and all the respect that I have for you, but the fact is, I want to change the relationship just a little bit.
We kind of came full circle and I had to learn to shut up. It's so key for us though, to have the kind of relationship with them that they do come back. He's going to continue to ask for advice, but he wants that relationship to be kind of on his term. And so what do we do? We become their greatest cheerleader.
Yes. And I think sometimes when we are their significant cheerleader, then they really are gonna be willing to add. And I find that when my kids, When they come and seek advice from me, now they really want to because they're asking me. And I want to be open to that, but if I'm too intrusive, they're not going to want it. I finally learned that the way that builds that bridge so they come and ask is listening and asking questions.
Proverbs 9, 8 through 10 says, Do not rebuke a mocker lest he hate you. Rebuke a wise man and he'll love you. Give instruction to a wise man and he becomes still wiser. Teach a righteous man, and they'll add to their learning. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
and knowledge of the holy one is understanding and i think there's times where They don't want to hear. And coming on super strong, not only is it not well received, it actually begins to. to cause distance and resentment. And we're not talking just about cultural issues and the kind of music you listen to, but this is about your education or maybe a moral issue and you're just getting a wall. What do you say to that parent?
I think it's hard. And I've experienced that with my kids. In fact, one of my daughters, she was about an hour away in college and she wasn't making all the great choices. And I would go up every Tuesday and I always had a list in my pocket that I wanted to cover. But I found that it was much better when it was more natural in the conversation.
And sometimes it was. And there were times, Chip, when I would get in that car and I'd say, Did I waste my time? I just had a meal with her, but I didn't get to go through my list. And you know what's interesting is I found that just pouring into her, and she knew what I was doing, and she probably knew I had a list, to be honest. But there are other times when With her, especially, I needed to say.
We need to talk through this. I just, I want to tell you, I love you. I trust you. I think you're going to make good decisions. But I feel like I'm still your dad.
I need to have this conversation. But it's what you did with your son-in-law. I think it comes through asking the right questions. It's a little bit like fishing, you know, you're waiting for that fish to bite. You got to have some patience and perseverance, and you don't have to have the answer immediately because if we jump in.
then I think they're going to pull back. You share a story in the book. It's about Ruth Graham because sometimes they do go away and sometimes they don't make small bad decisions. They make some really big ones. You know, Ruth Graham actually told me this.
I love her transparency, but this is Ruth Jr. who we're talking about. She was married to someone who had worked for the Graham organization for years, and that's where they had their children. And then he made some real immoral decisions. And on the rebound, she married somebody that her parents, think of this, this is Billy and Ruth Graham.
had said, don't think this is a wise idea. Maybe you're rushing into this. And so she married this guy. They went down to Florida. Within six weeks, it was a disaster and there were some abuse things going on.
And so she got in her car and she started driving. And she didn't know where she was going to go. She ended up. driving toward home. Because when we're in trouble, we go home.
calls her dad up and says, dad, I'm coming home. You were right. And he didn't say, I told you so.
So she gets there, and of course, there's a gate, it's the Billy Graham compound.
So they open the gate, and she comes up, and the door opens. That's her dad. And he just says, Welcome home, Bunny. That's what they called her, Bunny. Welcome home, bunny.
I love you, and I'm so proud of you.
Well, he could have said so many other things at that moment. He could have said, I told you so. He could have said, oh, that was a poor choice. But instead, what he did was he just welcomed her. And guess what?
That brought them closer together. And there were major great conversations that took place then. Love the grace and the love that he showed in that moment. I don't know where you're at, but here's the principle. Keep your mouth shut and keep the welcome mat open.
I mean, that's the principle. And it's rooted in a book that Jim wrote that I have passed on to so many people doing life with your adult children. And here's a couple guys that are navigating life and have done that with their adult children. And we're going to talk now about principle number three: become a student of their culture. And I think this is really critical because.
The culture has changed so quickly, and the dynamics behind it have changed so radically. I think a lot of parents feel the change. but I don't think they understand it. You described it really well. It's a mindset shift.
You know, my parents were bugged because the Beatles had long hair. The fascinating thing is the culture has shifted and it's shifted quickly.
So what I'll say a lot of times to parents of adult children is, They experience so much so differently, not only as children, for example. They saw the iPhone birth. We didn't. There are so many things like that that changed. And I think for a lot of us, we know that, but we don't become students of the culture.
And so I think it's important for parents to not agree with everything that's changing in the culture, but to actually be students of the culture. For example, I just saw that there are twice as many atheists. In Gen Z than in the millennials. And we've been worried about the millennials, but that's gonna help me understand this new generation of kids and what their mindset is. But we need to know some of the distinctives because I think we can pair it better when we know the distinctives.
So, one of the distinctives is they're shaped by technology. It means that's how they're going to shop, that's how they're going to work.
So, because they're shaped by technology, we just have to understand that they have influences that we didn't have, and it's influenced quickly. Another part of that is this generation, they don't live to work. They work. to live. And so they're not gonna get the gold watch by being someplace for 35 years.
They're just probably not gonna get that. And there's a positive side to that too, but it drives parents nuts. I have a daughter who has a master's degree in business and most every year she kind of changes. But that's just the norm. This is a generation that meanders towards responsibility and it bugs parents like crazy.
Now, when you ask millennials, Even Gen Z, you know, what are the important factors in your life? They wanna have a good marriage, they wanna be good parents. But they're not going to be going to the latest Jim Burns seminar or read the big thick books. They're looking at podcasts. They're looking at three-minute videos, maybe a TED Talk if they're really going to go for it.
Yeah, my daughter said, oh, dad, I only listen to podcasts and we don't have a TV. We get all our information if I want to watch something on YouTube. But it's more than just technology and information. They have a different mindset too, don't they?
So one of the other points is that this generation views tolerance as a form of loving.
Sometimes that really struggles when you have a biblical worldview. I don't want to be narrow, but at the same time, I do believe the Bible, and they get frustrated at a point because of this tolerance. Even though we disagree, It's possible to produce what I call odd. If you came into my office right on my desk, it's a yellowed post-it note now, but it says A period, W period, E period, and it stands for affection, warmth, and encouragement. And I think what we want to do, even in the midst of not totally understanding the culture or agreeing with the culture, is that we give them plenty of affection.
Now, some choose to make poor choices, even sexually. Not because they wanted sex, they craved affection and they weren't getting it from home. And so I think we give them affection with lots of praise. And then warmth is setting the tone. You can disagree with your kids and you can even disagree with some of the cultural decisions, but you can still set a tone of warmth.
My mom did that. You know, my dad was an alcoholic. We have a similar background growing up. And yet, my mom. set a tone in our home.
So what that meant was, sure, she had issues, but she still set a tone of warmth. We were drawn to her.
So we've got to be the people who give them lots of affection and warmth and encouragement. Even when we are looking at a worldview differently than they are. A couple of things come to my mind. One is: I had one son go through a pretty decent season of rebellion, and he wasn't way out there morally, but was really challenged with this faith. And I had these two rules: one, nothing you can do.
is going to cause me to stop loving you.
So good. And number two is you can't have your own selfish way inside our home. You know? Perfect. I mean, his attitude was terrible.
And I went out to breakfast with him once a week. And he would roll his eyes. And I would just think, this is the biggest waste of time. And I was waiting for that big moment and big breakthrough, but it was just the presence. And, you know, he turned back around and talking about becoming a student of them.
He had this passion for music. And I said, hey, son, music is nice, but you got to make a living. And so I'm telling him, you know, you really ought to major in something. You know, do your music on the side. No, Dad, I don't want to go to college.
This is what I want to do, and we're in the living room. And he goes, Dad. I believe God is leading me to go into music. And then he puts his hands on his hips and he said, Who told me to dream a dream and trust God and step out? And I remember in that moment realizing Hey son, you're right.
How can I support you in that? In my mind, did I think he was ever going to make any music? Absolutely not. But he was a very hard-headed kid, and he eventually... Actually, made it music, you know, and writes a lot of songs that we sing.
But I think it's that coming to where you understanding them and realize. It's his life. And it wasn't immoral. But there are times when their culture and our values really start telling a different story. And we have to be willing to lean in.
In fact, my passage for this one is the Apostle Paul. He says, To the Jews I became like a Jew to win the Jews. To those under the law, I became like one under the law, though I myself am not under the law, so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law, I became like one not having the law, though I'm free, not from the law, but under Christ's law.
so as to win those not having the law to the weak. I became weak. to win the week. I become all things to all men. then I might save some.
How do we do that as parents?
Well, I think your illustration with your son is a perfect illustration of that. Children, even when they're young, regard your very presence as a sign of caring and connectedness. And I think part of that is: yes, understand their culture. You don't have to agree with their culture, but understand what those needs are within their culture. And they still need dad and they still need mom to be present in their life.
It's in a different way. But when you do that, you still are their greatest influence. When they were young, you were an influence, and as they're old, it's not like it's going to go away. you're going to still influence them. but from a different manner, but it is your presence.
Oh. This is Living on the Edge Chip Ingram Group. And you've been listening to the first half of Chip's discussion with author and speaker Jim Burns. To learn more about Jim's book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children, visit livingontheedge.org or call 888-333-6003.
Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is back in studio with me now. And Chip, throughout this series you've invited our listeners to become monthly financial partners.
Well, take a minute, if you would, and explain why we've devoted so much time and energy to asking people to join us. Dave, there's a very, very simple reason. The backbone of our ministry. Yeah. People who are on the team.
The second thing is, we have people give at all different levels, and we're thankful for all of them, but we never know what's coming in. When people are on the team and people give monthly, guess what? You begin to build a baseline that you can know this amount of money is going to come in each month, and just like people's budget. Can you imagine never knowing what your paycheck is going to be and how you're going to pay your bills? And so we wanted to emphasize monthly donors become a part of the family.
They become a part of reaching the next generation, equipping pastors and leaders, and discipling God's people. And if it's $10 a month or $20 a month, $100 a month, we leave that up to them. But move from this is great, this is helpful to I want to be on the team. We are committed to really making a difference and that means we've got to go there together and we need everyone to carry some of the weight. That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners.
Our world is in desperate need. Are countries in desperate need? Families who love Jesus are in desperate need. We are called to make disciples, to reach the next generation, and to equip families and leaders to really walk with God. We want to be a part of helping Christians live like Christians.
And if you resonate with that, let me encourage you. Become a monthly partner. Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, the Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingonthege.org or by calling 888-333-6003. Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingonthege.org. App Listeners Tap Donate.
Well be sure to join us next time as Chip wraps up our entire series Uninvited Guests. Until then, I'm Dave Druy saying thanks for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge.
