Conflicts with kids are inevitable. And I think one of the most intimidating things about parenting is the fear of losing our kids when these conflicts present themselves.
Well, today I'm going to share eight specific key things that you can do. that will build the kind of relationship so that you can weather just about any conflict. Stay with me. Thank you for being with us for this Edition of Living on the Edge Chip Ingram Room. Chip serves as our Bible teacher for this global teaching and discipleship ministry, helping Christians develop an authentic faith.
Well, we're in the middle of our series, Uninvited Guests, and right now we're diving back into the second half of Chip's talk, How to Raise Positive Kids in a Negative World.
So if you have your notes and Bible ready, here again is Chip. 1 Thessalonians chapter 2, he says, But we were gentle among you. How? Like a mother, circle the word mother. caring for her little children.
He says, this is how we treated you. We loved you so much that we're delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God. I mean, not just the content, not the truth. but our own lives as well. Why?
because you had become so dear to us. Would you underline the word gentle? caring, loved, share, dear to us. He's saying, we loved you, and this is how. A child needs a mother's love.
There's a tenderness. There's a nurturing. There's a commitment. There's a pouring out your life. That builds relationships that bond.
But kids need a father's love.
Now both do both, but he says For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father, circle father.
Well, how should a father deal with his child? One who encourages, comforting, and urging you. What? Notice the target. the man in the house, living a life worthy of God.
The world is not about you. It's not how many points you score. It's not your SAT scores. It's not that you got in Ivy League school or Stanford. If those things happen, great.
If you happen to be a good musician-athlete, great. I want you to live a life worthy of God. That's the target. who called you into his kingdom and glory. I did a word study on each of these words, encouraging, comforting, and urging.
And the role of the father, the mother, is nurturing and caring, and we get to do that as dads. But the role of the Father, the first word is you're the biggest cheerleader.
Something about a dad on the sidelines, you can do it, honey. Great job here. Oh, you'll do okay on that test. I'm for you. I'm 100%.
You're their biggest cheerleader. You inspire. You praise, you encourage. The next word is translated comforting, but this word is also translated exhorting, admonishing. It's the idea of You want to help your child, but as you're helping your child, sometimes the goal is: how do you help them break through a barrier?
And sometimes what they need is, you know, they fell off the balance beam, or they really did bad on a test, or they were in the recital and they completely froze, and they need comforted. They need to say, hey, it's okay. Life is more than a recital, this or that. And that dad comes in. I'm for you, a comfort.
But sometimes the barrier is they get full of themselves. And you've told them, look, I don't want you to hang out with those two people. We know what happens in their home. Their parents aren't home. There's a lot of free alcohol and drugs going on.
I forbid you to hang out with them and ever go in their home when their parents aren't there. And then of the course somehow. I think God orchestrates this, at least did in my life, and even with my kids. You find out stuff that you never know how you found it out. Right.
And here's what a dad does.
Son, sit down.
Now, we need to have a very serious talk, and your deep dad voice kicks in. I'm not sure if there was something that wasn't clear about what we talked about, about not hanging around with those two people or going into that house, but I'm aware you did. There may be some extenuating circumstances that I don't know about, but let's get this straight right now. Consequences will be severe. and swift.
But you're such a great kid, and I believe in you so much, and I trust you so much. This is a warning. The next word is urge. This is the severe consequences kick in. And so the dad is going, you can do it.
I'm going to help you break through a barrier. And then finally, draw a line in the sand. You know something? You went to that house again. We agreed.
We have a written contract. You're now grounded for a week. I'm really sorry that you'll miss the prom, your first basketball game or whatever, and your mother is crying and she will get over it. But this is the way it is. Those were true stories.
Here's the Here's the principle. I put a little picture on here that I think will be helpful. In your heart of hearts, you're making progress and you have certain values and beliefs, right? You love God. You want to be a person of integrity.
You want your kid to be other-centered. You want him to be kind. You want them to learn how to be a team player. You want them to make a significant contribution to other people. And you say to yourself, these are my values, and I want to transmit those values across this bridge of life from zero to about early 20s and sometimes a little bit later.
And here's what it is: your values, not what you say, by the way, but how you actually live. Your values will be transmitted across this bridge of relationship. And there's going to be a lot of ups and downs, so it's the strength of the glue of your relationship that that bridge can hold a lot of truth and a lot of disappointment and a lot of pain. And so it very simply goes like this. Axiom number one would be, the stronger the relationship you have with your child, the more likely they will embrace the values that you have.
Flip it over. the weaker relationship that you have with your child. the less likely They will embrace the values that you have. And finally, Tension and conflict are inevitable.
So they're going to cross that bridge. There's going to be times where you're on this page and they're on that page. And what will sustain you over time is all that time invested in building a glue from the heart. that when you have to say hard things and they slam the door, I don't love you anymore. You're the worst mom in the whole world.
I just can't stand it. I wish you were a dad, but I wish you weren't a Christian dad. I've heard all of that. And you know what? They get over it.
They get over it if you know You live it. You love them? And as much as they scream and cry out because of the pressure externally, they can embrace and they see your life. And every year that they get older, they see the wisdom of God's way in your life.
So let me give you eight very specific ways to build that kind of relationship. I'll go a bit fast because these are things you can really develop. And then I want you, as I go through these, I'd like you to be asking yourself. What one of these? You can do two if you want.
But what one of these this week but I'm going to start doing, even if my kids are grown. Even if I have to figure out a way to do it long distance. Number one is unconditional love. This may come naturally for a lot of you. Verbalize your unconditional love.
Let them know, I love you. Communicate verbally. I love you. Embrace them in ways that communicate unconditional love. Try and find opportunities when you know they failed and they know they failed, where you separate their bad behavior or their failure from them.
What you did is unacceptable. Who you are is always acceptable.
So multiple, multiple ways you want to communicate unconditional love. I'm for you no matter what.
Sometimes you do that verbally, sometimes you do it by your behavior. Out of our four kids, we had one son that we went through about a four-year season of rebellion. And he did not want to be around me. He did not want to be around our family. He did not want to do anything.
He said, you know, Dad, I kind of like you as a person. I wish you weren't a Christian, Dad. I don't know if I believe in Jesus or anything. I want to stay out as late. I want to do what all my friends do.
And sometimes unconditional love is you can't have your own way. But son, every other week you and I are going to go out to breakfast and you can keep rolling your eyes, and I'm still going to come to your games. And I'm still going to pray for you out loud. And we're still going to hang out. Because there's nothing you can do ever.
says, make me stop loving you. How do you do that? See, our kids can wound us like no one else. They can hurt you like no one else. And what, if you're not careful, is when they wound you, you start putting up walls.
Because when you get wounded, even with your own kid, you want to pay them back. And what we know how to do in very sophisticated ways is now to love them conditionally. and manipulate their life. The second. is scheduled time.
Lots of ways you can do this, but can I just give you three quick ones? Have dates with your kids. And I know some of you have a lot of kids, some not too many, and maybe it's every other week. Second, only have one calendar, especially those that work outside the home. One calendar.
I mean, for years I had my work calendar, and then, you know, in the refrigerator, we had the family calendar. And here's what can happen if you're not careful. Boy, there's a real big meeting, and this is a big thing, and a big project at work, and oh, here's this really, really thing, we've got to do that. Oh yeah, well honey, you know, we were supposed to go out to breakfast. We'll do that next week.
Or we try to eat as a family, but you have these seasons, you have these times. It's only lasted nine years, but it's a very long season. And I'm up before the sun comes up, and I get home basically after dark. But it's quality time, right? I take you to Disneyland, I buy you lots of stuff because I feel guilty inside.
Put them all on the same calendar. And then, when someone says, Can you do this or that? You know, I'd love to. I get a very important commitment. You don't have to tell them it's eating with your family.
You don't have to tell them it's having breakfast or lunch with one of your kids. I got news for you. After all the deals you get done doing and all the super important stuff, you have them for a window of time. I mean, inside your house for a very limited time. And what happens in that very limited time?
It will shape. I mean, you hit 50 through about 80 if you live that long, it will shape all those years. And you won't even remember the deals. Is there balance? Is there seasons?
Common sense? Yeah. Schedule time with your kids. Eat together as a family. No technology on.
No people going on the plates, they heat their stuff up, you heat your stuff up. If you're eating in minivans because you have practice on Monday, practice on Wednesday, something on Thursday, something on Friday. Ask yourself, If you were from a different planet, And someone stepped in and said, Excuse me. I am from a different planet. I'm doing an analysis on what Relatos to people.
I noticed that you were doing this, this, this, this, this, and this.
So the goal of all parenting is that you watch your kids play sports and you sit in stands with people you don't know. Is this correct? Is that your long-term goal? And you would say no. Then why are you doing it?
Because Johnny would be so disappointed if he doesn't get to be on that team with all his friends, and he might cry. Let him cry. Let him know he's a loved son or a loved daughter. Schedule time. The third scheduled time is dinner, dates, and bedtimes.
Man, you gotta. Men especially, put your kids to bed, tell them stories, read them Bible stories, make up stories about yourself. Third is focused attention. Listening in an understanding way. Cornell University did a study of two-year-olds.
They put a microphone on them for a couple weeks until everyone realized that they didn't notice them anymore. And then they had fathers come in. And they discovered that the average father, except for high and by, are you ready for this? Was spending a whopping. 37 seconds per week in meaningful conversation with our kids.
I mean, will you really listen? How many of us get in the car? Kids in the car? Yeah, honey, I'll be right with you. Be right with you.
And yeah, how'd your day go? Oh, dad, you can't believe what happened. You know, we were coloring monsters. And, you know, you mean I got a business meeting here, and I see I got to order that stuff. Yeah, yeah, good monsters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, I got to take this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bobby. Yeah, yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, tell them we can't do that.
No, Jay. Are you kidding me? The stocks just went down. Oh, yes, yeah, honey. Tell me about the monsters?
No, no, Daddy, it was monsters. You know what? They get it. You're not here. I don't matter.
That'll matter. Papers up. Eyes are here. You gotta be there. Focused attention, and part of focused attention is eye contact.
You look them in the eye. You shut off stuff. There's a powerful the eyes of the window of the soul. Your kids need to see you look into their eyes and almost be able to feel what's going through your mind is, I can't believe I get to be this boy or girl's dad or mom. They are so precious and I love them so much.
That's what they need to see when you look into their eye. Because that's what you're feeling inside. And everything else will wait, and you never have to rush with your kids.
So you schedule time. And you make it matter. This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and Chip will be back to finish today's message in just a minute. But let me first gently ask you, is your marriage in trouble right now? Do you and your mate need a practical biblical tool to revive and transform your relationship?
Well, we've developed a brand new resource designed to do just that.
So stick around after the teaching to hear about this practical way we are encouraging couples. Until then, here again is Chip to continue our series, Uninvited Guests. Number five is consistent or ongoing communication. Did we mention eating together? Oh, yes.
You have to talk. And by the way, there's some of you that are going, Oh man. Yeah. two times a week. It's a novel idea.
It happened historically. cook some food In your own house, it's a thought. Snow. There's a range. They got some burners and stuff, rarely used, but you'll figure it out.
It's not that hard. Get some food. Cook it. Set a table. Turn the TV, computers, everything off, and sit around.
It'll be weird at first. And then ask, like, How did your day go at school? Or how are you feeling today? Or what made you happy? Or what was your biggest challenge?
And then be prepared for... Uh Nothing.
Okay. Fine. And what you are is you smile and say, Inside I refuse to allow that to be our dinner table conversation.
Well, I'm going to tell you what happened with me. And honestly, tell them some stuff. They won't understand it all. I had a big meeting today and this is what happened and they're going. What?
And you create a culture. where there's a safe place. where all the world gets pushed aside. What did Jesus do the very last night he was going to be with his disciples? They Eight together.
Why did Jesus got accused of being such a terrible person? Because what did he do with tax collectors and sinners? Ate with them. The very first thing that happens in heaven when it all gets wrapped up, we're going to the marriage supper of the There's something about eating. There's secular research that talks about families that eat together.
are healthy. and they have great relationships. ongoing communication, meaningful Touching. It's critical. B Um Largest organ you have is your skin.
When your kids are small, if you're a dad, especially, wrestle with them, wrestle with them, wrestle with them. That they want to be touched. that we feel affirmed and loved when we're touched. Your daughters need to have non-sexual touching to feel feminine and important and valuable and to know that men can be safe. I remember early I would come home and always bugged Teresa.
I couldn't figure out why. She was in the middle of cooking dinner and I'd always want to come and mess around and kiss her or something and she's gonna, you know, like. Is this really the right time? And I would say, yes, actually it is. I'm only wanting to model this for our children, you know.
Has nothing to do with any sexual desires or anything like that. I'm just a loving father trying to model something for our kids, you know. And she would, you know, okay, give me a hug, and Annie would run in and get between us. And we would hug and she would go, oh, let's do a peanut butter sandwich. And you know what that little girl wanted?
She wanted When two people love each other, it's a safe place. And she wanted to be right in the middle and feel touched, and consumed, and loved. and important. And some of you aren't huggers, so I have a suggestion. It doesn't come naturally.
Do it anyway. Just do it anyway. I mean, I watched my wife get hugged by her dad. probably for the first time. in his late sixties.
I never, she never heard her father say, I love you, to her. until he was in his seventies. Then I You understand weird things we do? You understand the psychology of what happens in the soul of a human being if down deep you don't feel like your mother or your father loves you, and if The most A powerful way that we express that is both verbally and by touching. T These are the kind of things that They bypass the brain, they go down in the soul of your kids.
And when you're in an argument later, or when they want to date someone that you know is bad news, and when they want to get out with some friends that you know there's drugs and alcohol, and when you're talking about this school or that school, and you think, no, yeah, no, that's a party school in the whole world, and you guys can't get on the same page, and you have to make a really hard call, it will be this strength of relationship. that when they even have to accept and you're doing this, There's stuff down in here that's been invested in. Final two are ones that I think they're equally important. You might think I'm crazy, but it's. Have fun together and pray together often.
I just think I see people that are like Super spiritually.
Okay, are you ready? Bobby, I want you to pray for Africa. I want you to pray for Europe. I want you for, okay, ready? Go!
Heavenly Father, thou art thine din, don, don, dan din, don da kaba.
Okay, 7.4 minutes on your prayer. Here we go again. All right, now it's supper time. Close your eyes. And now, holy God.
God I change his name when I'm really. And the kids are sitting there going, What in the world is this about? You pray when you tuck them in. You get in the car, ready to go to school. Lord, would you help us?
You play one-on-one basketball in the driveway and you're absolutely sweaty and ringing wet. And you lay down, you're looking up at the stars, and without warning, oh God, I can't believe I get to be this kid's dad. He just beat me for the first time and it was a blast. Thanks for just letting us be friends. A siren goes by, and your kids are in their preteens, and you know, you've been spending time as a family.
Emily, Emily, someone's really hurting right now. I got to keep my eyes open, but would you pray for whoever's in that ambulance? And your kids just start realizing prayer isn't something you do. It's communicating with God. And we do it.
And there's a tragedy. And everyone sits on the family room floor. And you beg God for grandma or grandfather's life. And then you have to say no to some stuff because it's a wicked world, and your house is the fun place. Invest in a ping-pong table.
Invest in a foosball. Invest in something that isn't just electronic and people are staring at screens. Play board games. Make your house where it's fun.
Well, you can't go to that party, but here's what we're going to do. and be active and focused and just have a blast with your kids. Invest deeply in them. The final one is not just a clear target, not just that you're the teacher, not in an environment of love, but effective parenting requires constant repair and ongoing maintenance. The scripture says, if we confess our sins, he's faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Okay, here's the deal. Your kids are going to mess up. And even if they don't mess up, Whatever you're doing right, like you have these little seasons, and you're, you know, okay, like they're like four or five or six, and you're trying to help teach them some responsibility, a little basic thing like make their bed or, you know, take out the trash. And, you know, like they forget and you're frustrated. And then so you read in a book, put a chart up, trash.
Bed, and when they do it, they get a sticker, you know, and all of a sudden they get a sticker, and they go, ooh! And, like, for three months, they just take out the trash every day and they make their bed. It's like, wow. And month number four: who wants stickers? Or they're a teenager and we're going to make a contract and we want you to be responsible.
And okay, if you do this, here's the consequences. But if you do this in school and this is consequences, if you stop treating your mother like here's the reward that you're going to get, wow, I'm independent and they get the contract and you know, for three, four, five months, man, it's great and this tension's gone. And then all of a sudden, you know, I don't believe in contracts. Welcome to the NFL of parenting. Nothing ever stays the same.
And by the way, it's not just that they change, you change. When I was not consistent, I had this amazing correlation. When I wasn't consistent with rewarding and disciplining my children, they acted up. Huh, couldn't figure it out. I can't tell you how many times I'd get the whole family together and say, You know what?
I've really not been the dad God wants me to be because you guys are doing this, this, and this, and we've said these would be the consequences, and I just couldn't get out of that lazy boy. And I didn't do anything about it. And so now you're fighting with each other, and you're talking back to your mom, and you're back to not finishing your homework. You're beating your brother up and that's... Is that stop?
But I could blame a lot of people, but it starts with me. I'm the dad.
So I want to ask you guys to forgive me. for not being the dad I'm supposed to be. And I want you to know, like, We're going to end this little family meeting. like 30 seconds afterwards. Dance back.
And I'm going to reward you and love you like I know God wants me to, and I'll provide those consequences we agreed on. And then I would literally plan and look for times to try and catch them doing something right and really affirm them. And then the very first time they did the thing that we've been talking about. Swift. And loving, of course.
No, I'm serious. And you know what? It recalibrated. Here's the five magic words, and I don't mean that like magic. I mean, like, it's amazing.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
Okay, we're in this together. And you know, it's never too late. And I don't know any families that haven't had big struggles. And you may have a son or daughter that's dealing with an addiction or is in a relationship that breaks your heart or a little kid that's acting out or someone that you're thinking, are they going to pee the bed like until they're 15? Right?
I mean, there's all these kind of issues that we all have. And it just means you're a regular mom or dad with a regular kid, and we're on a journey. But I'll tell you what, you set a clear target. You practice what you preach. You build relationships that bond at whatever age.
And then you realize there's always going to be ongoing maintenance and constant repair. And I will tell you, and then we've got to help each other. And we're going to learn. how to really then walk through the very specific ways to help our kids. You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and the message you just heard, how to raise positive kids in a negative world, is from our series Uninvited Guests.
Chip will join us in studio to share some insights from today's talk in just a minute. We've all heard it said that raising kids isn't for the faint of heart. Every parent can attest that it can be deeply encouraging and life-giving one moment and want to pull out your hair frustrating the next. And those emotional ups and downs don't include the external challenges and pressures that kids, moms, and dads face every day.
So, over the next handful of messages, Chip will highlight biblical principles to help navigate the complexities of raising kids in today's world. Don't miss the insightful wisdom from God's Word, along with practical advice from a seasoned Dad to guide you along your parenting journey. If you've missed any part of this series, catch up at livingonthege. org or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Well, our Bible teacher, Chip Ingram, is back in studio with me. And Chip, throughout this series, you've invited our listeners to become monthly financial partners.
Now, if you would take a minute and explain why we've devoted so much time and energy to asking people to join us. Dave, there's a very, very simple reason. The backbone of our ministry is people who are on the team. The second thing is, is we have people give at all different levels and we're thankful for all of them, but we never know what's coming in. When people are on the team and people give monthly, guess what?
You begin to build a baseline that you can know this amount of money is going to come in each month. And just like people's budget. Can you imagine never knowing what your paycheck is going to be and how are you going to pay your bills? And so we wanted to emphasize monthly donors become a part of the family. They become a part of reaching the next generation, equipping pastors and leaders and discipling God's people.
And if it's $10 a month or $20 a month, $100 a month, we leave that up to them. But move from, this is great, this is helpful, to I want to be on the team. We are committed to really making a difference, and that means we've got to go there together. And we need everyone to carry some of the weight. That's why we talk about becoming monthly partners.
Our world is in desperate need. Our country is in desperate need. Families who love Jesus are in desperate need. We are called to make disciples, to reach the next generation, and to equip families and leaders to really walk with God. We want to be a part of helping Christians live like Christians.
And if you resonate with that, let me encourage you. Become a monthly partner. Great challenge, Chip. And please know how much we appreciate your sacrifice. Your regular support allows us to plan our next steps as a ministry and be ready to walk through doors that God opens for us.
And as Chip said during this entire series, if you become a monthly financial partner of Living on the Edge, we'll send you our newest resource, The Marriage That Works truth cards, as our thank you. Learn more by going to livingonTheEdge.org or by calling 888-333-6003. Again, that's 888-333-6003, or visit livingonthege.org. App Listeners Tap Donate.
Well from all of us here, I'm Dave Drewy, thanking you for listening to this Edition of Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us again next time.
