Married For Better

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Kingdom Pursuits. Now live from the Truth Booth, your host, Robbie Dilmore. Yes, it's New Year's Eve. And so you got to remember to set your clocks ahead for 2023, just saying. I've never had a chance to say that. I don't remember doing many New Year's Eve shows.

It just doesn't, for whatever reason, fall on Saturday that often. So, but how fun I get to do this today. And so we're casting a vision for 2023 and then so many different ways. And so we've got some great guests lined up, actually, Darren, excuse me, Darren, David and Aaron. You put it together, you get Darren.

Anyway, I never thought of that. But anyway, David and Aaron Jeffries, who are with a ministry slash radio show slash all sorts of stuff, Married for Better. Wouldn't we all love that for 2023, Married for Better?

I could get into that. So David, you know, that's where God has you guys. Yeah, that's right. You know, coming out of pastoral ministry for almost 20 years and then the story that God has put within our marriage has really given us just this passion and a purpose really from our pain to really go in full pursuit of Married for Better.

When we look through Scripture, we see that God ordained marriage and it was for His glory. And that means that it's for our betterment, right? And so that's something that we're really excited about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so welcome, Aaron. How about you? Yeah, we're super excited about it. It's been a passion of ours for six years now. Yeah.

Yeah. Since we got remarried. And so actually the way that God's orchestrated this, you guys have a lot more time to devote to that now than you did previously, right? We really do. It's something that we have prayed about and sought God about and just put our feet to the fire and He's answered that prayer. And I think that's the most powerful thing is a lot of times we'll have desires or goals we want to reach and we forget the most important thing, prayer. And so that's one thing that we've dedicated. It didn't happen overnight.

It was several year process, probably three years we've been praying for this. It needed to get better. I'm pretty sure your marriage fits in the same category as mine. It needs to get better. Although, you know, I love my wife and very excited that actually she's got knee surgery coming up on Wednesday.

So people could be pray for her. She's got that coming up. And so we're going to be together a lot in 2023 as we're going to be Robbie taking care of his wife for a while. So it is New Year's Eve. I knew you knew that.

And so speaking of New Year's Eve, right, I've put together some riddles here that I know you're going to be. Yeah. Shenanigans. Yeah.

We're pretty excited about this. All right. And so, you know, right along the lines, ideas of married for better, you know, not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve. I don't know about you, but here you go. It's tonight. It's December 31st.

You know what I'm saying? Okay. All right.

All right. So what, here's a good one for Stu Epperson or other basketball players. What New Year's resolution should basketball players like Stu and my son never make?

What New Year's revolution should basketball players never make? David, you got any ideas? Wow. Rachel. Nothing.

This is a tough one, Robbie. All right. Well, here you go.

You never, if you're a basketball player, you don't want to travel more in 2023, just saying. And you may want to start fixing breakfast tonight at 11.58 or thereabouts, you know, because in case you want to make that New Year's toast, you know. And for you guys that like to be fit, and I know that you guys do, right? So at the beginning of this year, I made it a resolution to lose 10 pounds. I only have 15 to go. It's going to be a long day. And I have a friend whose resolution was to read more in 2022. So, you know, his idea was to put subtitles on his TV. That'd make you smile. And it's, of course, I do have one.

This is my personal favorite, and I want you to quote this to everybody that you see today, okay? What was Dr. Frankenstein's New Year's resolution? What was Dr. Frankenstein's New Year's resolution?

This is a good one, Rachel. You got any ideas? No, I'm thinking. I'm not sure though.

His resolution was to make new friends. Yeah. Good idea. You got to admit.

Maybe you don't have to admit, but I think it's hilarious. All right. All right. So at the end of those shenanigans, you knew I would have a chance for you to call in and win. And so, wow, do we have something for you today? If you can guess this New Year's question slash riddle. So if they can guess this, Rachel, tell them what they'll win.

Well? Well, they can win a free 30-minute Made for Better coaching session. There you go.

A free Made for Better 30-minute coaching session. If you can tell me if your resolution is to get over your fear of New Year and get over your old anxiety. Seriously, what are your plans for 2023?

And this is an open-ended question. I would love to know how are you going to deal with your old anxiety in 2023? I would love that. Call in and win. 866-348-7884.

How would you plan on getting rid of your anxiety? Simple enough for 2023. 866-348-7884. And as we talked about, you can get one session with our team here of Dave and Erin Jeffries, Married for Better. And, you know, a chance to work on that very thing and just kind of set goals, right David? Yeah.

You know, it's interesting. Your question is about stress and anxiety and what in life sometimes causes more stress or anxiety than our marriage relationship. And so a great opportunity to kind of put some direction to that of how can we move forward? What are some steps that we can begin to take? What are some goals that we can put in place?

What's a vision that we can have for our marriage for 2023? Right. And for, you know, guys out there who would like to put this on the back burner, like me, you know, just think about how you feel when your wife sits down on the couch and says, we need to talk. We do that often though. We do do that. And when they, when that happens, you know, something inside just goes, wow. And so it opens up a whole new world. And so that's a big part of y'all's story, right?

David is, you guys needed to talk and it was something that came out in a hard way. Yeah. You know, it's, you say that with that scenario, we sitting on the couch and it's kind of like the, oh no thought. And the reason we have that thought is because we probably don't do it enough. You know, if we would do it as much as we needed to, then it would become a comfortable place to sit and have that conversation. But other kind of the way we treat it now is we only sit on that couch and have that conversation when someone's in trouble or we have something really hard to say. And that was really a key part to our story almost probably now 12 or 13 years ago was we needed to have some of those hard conversations and we didn't. And it led to really some deep pain. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's one of the things that we help couples with is learning when to communicate. Like there are certain key times when you shouldn't. There are times when you should. And I think a lot of times we save up those conversations and then it just erupts like a volcano. So that's one thing that we help couples with is learning when. There's a question I'll just jump out there and say. So when you when your wife sits down, if you haven't talked in a long time and she's fixed in erupt, is that one of the times you're not supposed to?

Well, ah, it depends on the situation. We're going to give them time to think while you're thinking about, you know, what are you going to do about your anxiety for 2023? You can call it and win a session with this marriage for better. How wonderful would that be?

866-348-788486634. Truth. We'll have an answer to that question when we come back. Stay tuned.

You're listening to the Truth Network and truthnetwork.com. Welcome back to Kingdom Pursuits, where we hear how God takes your passion and uses it to build the kingdom. And this New Year's Eve extravaganza, we're talking with David and Aaron Jeffries and how cool to have a vision for 2023 to make our marriages better with married for better.

I love the name of that ministry. And when we left our heroes, David and Aaron, we hit them with a question. So here comes the wife. She sits down on the couch next to you. She turns off the TV for you.

This is how this actually works in my house, usually. She looks at you and this look in her eye says it's not good and says we need to talk. And so the question right before the break was, is that in fact a good time to talk? And so, you know, what do you guys think?

Well, I'll take that first. And, and there's always, there's always circumstances, right? And, but when, when you look at that scenario, what you see is that there's something that your wife needs, needs you to know.

Right. And, and so there's, it is a good time to talk, but there are things that have to happen in order for that, that conversation to be profitable, because at the end of that conversation, you want it to move you forward and be profitable in your relationship and in this circumstance, rather than causing more conflict than what was originally, what was originally there causing the need to talk. And so, you know, we try and, and when we work with our couples and we host a marriage conferences and we have a communication session, and, and so there are a lot of like principles and practices that you can put in place that help make that a profitable time to communicate where one is speaking and one is listening and, and some of those safeguards that you could put in place is, you know, just always knowing that when you come to that conversation, that it's not with a critical spirit, but that it's with the spirit to help the relationship. Knowing and understanding that, you know, when the wife comes to the husband sitting on the couch and maybe he's watching football or whatever it may be, and she has something on her heart and her mind that we need to talk and we need to talk now that although there's something that's pressing, he's not the enemy. Right.

He's still the partner. And so we want that conversation to be profitable. And so her approach is, is key in that.

And his reception to that is also key. You know, as the husband, I need to know that, look, this is my wife and she has something that's pressing on her heart. And I need to listen and to receive that with the right spirit, not one of she's being critical to me, but one that she's really trying to help me. And we have a practice that the Aaron often will, if they're, we're in that situation, which, which we are often she'll say, you know, I'm not, I'm not telling you this to hurt you.

You know, I want to tell you something that's going to help you. And so that immediately sets the tone for the conversation. And then we can then enter into a profitable conversation that helps the circumstance rather than fuels the fire. Yeah. How you approach it initially, like, are you going in to tell your partner a piece of your mind, let me just tell you, or are you going in like, what is the solution that you are wanting to have at the end? And with that end in mind, it helps your approach.

And then it helps your spouse to be more open and not closed off. Yeah. So there's a couple of three sets or three questions or three statements, three verses I love in the 119 Psalm. They're actually in the Hayes section, which has to do with expression, has to do with God's expression because the letter hay has to do with him expressing himself. But the three verses that speak to this in volumes to me say, I know Lord, that thou judgments are right. And in faithfulness, thou has afflicted me. In other words, God, I know you're beating me up big time, but you love me. Okay. And then he responds after that, he says, he says, but let thy merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to thy word unto thy servant.

In other words, now that you just beat me up, can I have a hug? Right. Which, I mean, really, I mean, wouldn't that be nice of your wife, you know? Okay. I know that these words are faithful.

In other words, they're faithfully trying to make our marriage better and our life together better, which ultimately will make me better, right? And then now that you've beat me up, can I have a hug? You know? Okay. And then it goes, and let thy merciful kindness be, or excuse me, it says, let thy tender mercies come unto me that I may live and delight in thy law.

And what that, you know, this is the Robbie's Dyer Judges version of that is, now, not only do I want a hug, but that new word for mercy is actually hesed, which has to do with loving kindness. Now I want you to love on me so that I can literally delight, and the law is Jesus. Okay. So the idea is I want to delight in Jesus. Okay. And so I want you to love on me so I can love you as my wife, right? Because this is your spouse.

Jesus is our spouse, right? So it fits perfectly with what you guys just described, only you guys did it so much more practically than what goes on in my mind, which is a, you know, virtual sieve of some kind. But anyway, I love that. I love that.

But you know, that's a difficult, it's easy enough to say on the radio. But when you're taking the flack, you know, and it's like, then all of a sudden, you know, like getting your mind set with that. And because unfortunately, you know, we want to think that we're constantly in prayer and we're ready for, but that isn't what happened, is there of something that you guys might suggest that people try to do to slow down the barrage? Well, oftentimes, I mean, we do, like, we go back to our initial experience, we waited until it was too late to have those meaningful conversations and communications that was already at the volcano eruption point. And so it just kind of depends on where you are in your marriage to use those tools. But start small. Like if you haven't communicated in a really long time, you're not going to probably sit down and have a 30 minute conversation.

Maybe it's just one minute to start with. You know, if you're wanting to improve your communication, you have to start small. Otherwise, it's going to feel more overwhelming and not doable.

Yeah. And another thing that we always suggest is sometimes when we're having those conversations, we feel like it can easily get out of control. One person gets louder, more critical than the, you know, the spouse gets defensive and it seems like we don't make any headway. And one of the things that we have found to be helpful is to find a neutral place, kind of a safe place.

For us, maybe it's at Starbucks or a coffee shop or going out to, you know, maybe it's going out to dinner or just finding a place that is going to be safe, where our emotions are going to be controlled and our conversation is going to be, the volume of our conversation will be limited because of our environment. And that produces a different tone within the conversation, which allows for a different reception, right? And then there's always a two-way street.

There's always two sides to the coin. So when she would come to me and say, hey, we really need to talk about something. Most of the time, the truth is that there's probably something that I really would like to discuss with her as well. I just haven't had the courage to sit down and say, hey, there's something that I need to talk about as well.

I just suppress it until it blows up. And so having that controlled environment, that controlled conversation point is very helpful. And I love that to some extent, but there's another part of me that says, and you said before it's too late, which you kind of insinuated that there was, we got to the point where it was too late, but you didn't. Well, too late, in other words, to sit down and even get down and even communicate, because we weren't communicating at all. And so some couples that we talk with, they're not communicating at all. So to give them some of these steps, they would not be able to do them. So there's a process to it.

It isn't just like a one. Yeah. But what I'm saying is it's never too late, is it? No, no. And the fact that you actually did get to communicate what it was you felt like you needed to express off your heart, like however your spouse chose to receive it, if it was truly how you felt, and they truly love you, then it seems like it would be appropriate.

I don't know. Well, in our story, one of the reasons that we are so passionate about this is really this purpose came from pain. And in our story, what Erin refers to as too late is we were not communicating to the point that it really sent us into a period of separation and divorce. And so for over seven years, we walked through this season of divorce. Our marriage was over. We were single parenting. We were trying to co-parent. We were trying to hold jobs. We were doing all of these things.

And so... Yeah. And we look back at that time and communication is where our breakdown happened early on. And so my communication at that point was, I don't love you.

I want a divorce. And so that was not a resolution that we needed. So at that point in time, it was too late to rectify what we had. Oh, yeah. I'm with you.

I'm with you. But... It wasn't too late. But it wasn't too late.

You thought it was. Right. That's right.

But God. All right. Well, you can see we're having fun now. And we got a lot more on this New Year's Eve marriage extravaganza, Marriage for Better. And oh, there's a radio show coming, by the way. How exciting is that?

And lots more coming for you. So stay tuned. You're listening to the Truth Network and truthnetwork.com. Welcome back to Kingdom Pursuits, where we hear how God takes your passion, especially on New Year's Eve, and uses it to build the kingdom. And how fun today we have David and Erin Jeffries with their ministry, Married for Better, which is announced. We're going to begin a new radio share on the Truth Network. And my understanding is it's going to be on at 9.30. So it's going to be on right before the Christian car guy.

How fun is that? I've been waiting for a good show to... No, I'm just kidding. And I am really actually quite excited about that because it's such... As we were talking about during the break, developing good habits has everything to do with getting a better marriage and getting in the habit of even thinking about it and talking about it. But when we left her here, we left you in the middle of your story.

So we want you to pick that up. Well, we have been talking a lot about communication. And what we know is that our story is what it is because when we were married the first time, we didn't communicate. We were excellent communicators at the things about the daily life. How was work? How are the kids? What are you doing tonight? All of the...

Surface. All of the surface level things we were great at, but really talking about how we feel, how we're progressing, what are our goals? We didn't even know that a married couple should have goals or a vision for their marriage or their family.

And so we didn't talk about those things. And just through various circumstances that we'll cover on our Married for Better show, we ended up in a season of separation and divorce. And we were in that season, and Aaron, before the break, she had made the comment that you have to really start communicating before it's too late. And although we know that with God, it's never too late, our mindset can be that it's too late. Culture tells us that there's a point where our relationship is too far gone, it's too late.

And we were in that season where we thought that ship of our life had sailed and it was too late. But God, just as He always does, is faithful, right? He keeps His word. It's not based on who we are, it's based on who He is. And He just reached down into our hearts and He said, no, it's not quite too late. And brought us to a place of restoration. So our marriage was restored, our family was redeemed. And through that, we had to have some very hard conversations.

In fact, before we were remarried, we had to have some very hard conversations with one another. Like, what does this even, what does it mean? What is it going to look like? Where did we fail? And where can we get better at? How are we going to build off of our failure? And certainly, the key building block for that was communication. So we had to learn that communication is going to be an important factor in moving forward. Darrell Bock So speaking of communication, you know, I want to throw out my question earlier to you and throw in a new one, right?

And it still answers it in the same way. So maybe you have a question for, you know, Marriage for Better team, for David and Aaron. And so if you want to call us, we're going to give you the prize, 866-348-7884, which this means you have to express yourself to us. Like, what's the question? And I know that takes courage, right? But you have a question that you would like to ask them, right? And why not?

Because, you know, here's the deal. As I was thinking about this, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of folks that think it is too late, right? That I don't, I'm not going to take a lid off my emotions on how I feel about this marriage, because if I do, I'll never put it back on, it'll be too late. Well, you know, I'd hate to think that you live through 50 years of marriage like that, when God really has got way more than that for you. And so here's your chance, 866-348-7884. What do you think, Aaron? Aaron Yeah, I think that's great. I mean, what accomplishment is it if you have married 50 years?

What is that? God has a purpose for your marriage, just like He has a purpose for your own individual life. Like, what is He wanting to accomplish through your marriage?

It should be a picture of Jesus. And it can be. That's the exciting thing.

We don't have to settle for what we see around in society, or maybe unhappiness that you see in other marriages. It can be so, so amazing. That's one thing that we've really enjoyed this second go around.

It has been so good. Don't get me wrong, like, we communicate a lot more than we did the first time. And so that will ensue some fighting. And then He'll pull out the tips on communication that we use with our other couples that we coach. And I'll get mad and say, Stop using the tools on me. I don't want to communicate effectively.

I just want to pout and I want to yell. And so we still work through these things. And we're not perfect. But it's really like learning your spouse, just like when you were dating, like learning who they are, how God made them to be, what are these qualities that God has given my husband that he wants to allow me to experience as his wife? Like, what a gift, what a gift He has given you and that spouse.

And when you can look at it like that, is there a gift from God rather than what are they doing wrong? It can change your whole perspective and how you approach your spouse and can lead to an amazing marriage. Darrell Bock I love that because when we're dating, all we want to do is be with that person. And for the thought and the pretense that, man, they just make my life better. And then we get to this point where we want to step into marriage with them because we feel that our life and our marriage to them is going to make my life better. It's going to make it richer.

It's going to make it greater. And then somewhere along the lines, we transition from, I really felt that this person was going to make my life better to, well, we're just cohabitants. We're just partners. And if we're not careful, then it's, we're just roommates. And then we're not even really sure who they are.

Stephanie Cuthbert There's a song by Casting Crowns called I'm Slow Fade. And it reminds me of that. I don't think we go in initially with a vindictive heart or, you know, I don't want to love them anymore. We just let things get in the way, whether it's family, whether it's a job, and we just slowly fade away. And before you know it, then you and your spouse have no communication and the devil has worked his way into your marriage.

And it happens very slowly. Darrell Bock Yeah. So our goal for 2023, as we kick off our Married for Better show and just really dive in with couples on a deeper and greater level through our conferences and all kinds of avenues, our goal is that we would see couples restore that thought of this person makes my life better. We really are married for better.

And when we believe that about marriage, and we believe that about our spouse, then everything in life should be better, right? Our family is better. Our relationships are better. Our job is better. My mindset is better. Our finances are better. When I grasp to that thought that Mary, that I really am married for for better.

In fact, in a lot of our vows, we say that, right? For better or for worse. Well, that's a mindset.

That's a mindset. This same thing could happen to you as happens to us. And you may say, man, that was the worst thing that ever happened to us. We may say it was the best thing. Well, same circumstance, just a different perspective.

And we want to shift those perspectives. I love what Aaron said that it's like the marriage to Jesus, right? He makes us better, right? He makes us better just in all the things you just described in your finances, in your, you know, all your friendships and everything you got, right?

He makes us better. What a picture. How wonderful. So you got a chance. Don't you hear?

You feel that knocking on your heart? I need to call them. That's hard.

I know. 866-348-7884, 866-34-TRUTH, right? Love is a risky thing. And so it's risky to call. And if you're getting the pull, 866-34-TRUTH.

You're listening to the Truth Network and truthnetwork.com. Welcome back to Kingdom Pursuits where we hear how God takes your passion and uses it to build the kingdom. And those of us who realize we're the bride of Christ ought to understand that we have a passion for marriage and we get a chance to practice here on earth for what will be in heaven in so many different ways. And I love the idea of better and, you know, I hadn't put together all that for better and worse and all those things.

But the more I think about that name, the cooler it is. That it is marriage for better because, yeah, yeah. And when you think about it, I hate to think of what my life would be like if I didn't marry Tammy. I mean, all the different adventures that we get to go on, the kids at times, which that's extremely difficult. As your children get older, you might have experienced that. Graduating this year from high school. And then I don't know if you ever noticed, but grandchildren in the Bible are a crown. Your kids are, like when you talk about the arrows, those are sort of like payment, but your grandkids are a crown.

And you'll understand that at this point in time you get something. StephanieH. Hopefully not for a few years. Darrell Bock Yeah. So you guys are stepping out in radio, and tell me your vision for that since we know you guys have talked about the goals there.

StephanieH. Well, one of our main visions and goals is just to get out there. We didn't have access to these kind of things when we were first married. I'm not saying they weren't out there, but we just really didn't know about them, and maybe we didn't pursue them. But to really just be out there and be vulnerable with who we are and what God has done with us, and let people hear it, rather than just keeping it to ourselves.

Darrell Bock Yeah. I think there's a lot of power in reality, and oftentimes our marriage is a space of life, a compartment where it's easy to kind of pull the curtain and keep it covered. And we put forth a face, but it may not necessarily be reality. And one of the things that we want to do is we want to promote the reality of marriage, that it is not always a bed of roses. It is hard. It is difficult, and it is messy. A lot of times it's messy, but it is always 100% worth it when we walk through that mess. We get our feet messy, but when we get on the other side of that, we look back and we see the growth that came from that. And as we look at married for better, I mentioned our vows, for better or for worse.

And what statistics tell us in the U.S. right now is that over 50% of marriages in and outside of the church end in divorce. So when we see that statistic, what we see is that we stand at the altar with the image of better, but when we walk through the daily grind and it gets worse, our perceptions change. And what we want you to know is that when worse hits, it's just a stepping stone to get better.

It's a place of growth. And that we don't have to bail, but we can step together and we can walk through those hard times, we can walk through those messy seasons, and we really can get stronger and better through that. You know, we're real big into health and fitness. We're health coaches along with our marriage ministry. And one of the things that we know about our health is that it's always a progression.

We never arrive. It's just doing the next right thing to make us healthier today than we were yesterday. And our marriage is the same way.

We never arrive at the perfect marriage. We just take one step today, making it better than it was yesterday. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, it's really cool to think about the idea of the cover that you just described, right? That marriage, to an extent, has everything to do with cover.

You might remember that Boaz has covered Ruth at his feet. That we choose covers, one of those is to hide. And we can choose that with our sin, too, right? We can hide. Or we can choose the other cover, you know, which is the blood of Christ, which is the self-sacrifice of the partner of what that looks like. And so it's interesting to me that, you know, as we describe those two covers, we can choose to hide or we can choose the sacrifice, you know, of our partner. And it's a fascinating study just in and of itself, don't you think, Erin? Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. And I find that it's not easy. Like, I think that when you go into it, knowing that there will be hard, and accepting that, then when it comes, it's like, okay, it's here, now what are we going to do, rather than running from it? Because great marriages, if great marriages were easy, everybody would have them, and they don't.

Because they take work, and they take hard, going through hard times with each other. Yeah. And it takes faith?

Mm hmm. And it takes faith? A whole, whole, whole lot of faith. And that's why, it's so like what you talked about, just like Jesus. It takes faith. And so, wow, how fun.

Again, married for better. You're going to hear a lot more coming from those guys. And we're so grateful for you guys being on with us today. And for you listening today, remember, set your clocks ahead for 2023. It's happening at midnight.

Don't drop the ball, just saying. And so now, we're so excited about the shows coming up, right? You got Encouraging Prayer, that might have something to do with New Year's, then Mask on Journey. I assure you, it has something to do with New Year's, and then it's time to man up with Nikita Koloff. So much truth coming at you on The Truth Network. This is The Truth Network.