Welcome to Hope in the Morning, turning tragedies and tears into testimonies of hope. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Chances are, if you've been through suffering, this verse, Jeremiah 29, 11, has been quoted to you.
But when you're in a seemingly endless season of trials, when the ocean has a strong undertone, you just feel like you cannot catch a breath, that you're drowning. How do these truths become a reality to you? How do you cling to the hope that we have in Christ?
And how do we trust that He will restore our hope when we feel like it's just trial after trial after trial? Today, I have Sue Shaw joining me, and she's going to talk with us a little bit about chronic illness that she has walked through for many years, and just how she has grown in her faith in that, but also the hope that the Lord has given her when it felt never-ending. So Sue, thank you for being here today. Of course. And can you just tell us a little bit about yourself, and then a little bit about what you've walked through over the last 10 plus years?
Yep. Well, my name is Sue Shaw. I have been married now for 17 years. We have five wonderful boys.
They range from 14 years old to six years old. At the time of walking through this, I had the four, the first four boys. And yes, that's kind of where all this starts, is after my second was born. And we just started noticing that I was having some increasing just problems with after pregnancy that you wouldn't expect to normally be there, and they were not going away. And so eventually we went to a doctor to go get them, like a GI doctor, to get things checked out. And at that point, he had diagnosed me with mild, I don't even know if he said it was ulcerative colitis at that point, but a mild form of that was kind of the diagnosis. So something that you thought either could be cured or would go away on its own in time?
Is that kind of what you initially thought? Yes, because it was not presented as, you know, at that point it wasn't even life altering. It was just odd and inconvenient. There were some things going on. But yes, and even the diagnosis when they did, like, you know, the initial colonoscopy and all that, it was just a mild form of, you know, digestive ulcerative colitis issues. And so at that point, we just tried going all kind of the natural route.
Like we saw the doctor a couple of times, but you read all these books and you get on the interwebs and, you know, they all say all these natural, just eat well, cut out the dairy and the gluten and you can heal your body. So that was pretty much what I had tried to do for many years. So at what point did it take a turn from you realizing that, like, something's really wrong here? I think it actually turned fairly quickly.
We were just so intent on that we could heal this, we could keep this under control. I would go into, I would have these really bad flares, they're called. And I don't even know really how to describe them, but I would essentially be in bed for sometimes three weeks. And it's almost like you reach a delirium stage where, because of course we weren't going to the hospital at that point. And like I would just lose all sense of time and just extreme pain, like pain and abdominal pain. Because you also weren't really eating or drinking at that point, right?
Couldn't eat or drink anything, I would always lose a lot of weight. So I think we kind of knew that things were bad then, but I also, every time I got pregnant, so at that point I'd only had the two kids, the two boys. And every time I got pregnant, like with the third and the fourth, your body, even when you get pregnant, your body's natural response is to lower the immune system so it protects the fetus. So every time I got pregnant, I would actually feel a million times better because my immune response would be lowered. So I was telling my friends today, like, I always had like great pregnancies. And that's probably why, is because I actually felt better during my pregnancy than I did, you know, otherwise.
Yeah. So how, so okay, so you said, did it get worse after your fourth child? Was it worse with each one?
Every time I had a baby, it would just come back right away and it would almost immediately get worse. I was in and out of the hospitals and we eventually did go see, we reached a point, I want to say it was after my third, that we, maybe it was the fourth, I honestly don't exactly remember. Some of that is all a blur.
Those years are very much a blur to a certain degree, but we did. And we went and saw a GI doctor that was actually recommended by one of my husband's really good friends, who's a cardiac surgeon. And he knew of a, actually it so happens it was Pete Seward's best friend, who was the GI doctor. And so we started seeing him. And yeah, when we did that first colonoscopy, after like things were just, he's like, I can't believe you haven't seen anybody in years. And it was very drastic from what we were told years before that.
And then where I was at that point. So at that point, were they recommending that you just get on medication or were they saying that you needed to have surgery or what were their recommendations? We tried, just medication, you know, which we willingly, you know, I said, give me all the medication. So I mean, I was on, I mean, we tried all sorts of things.
I was even on, what do they call it? Like what you would be on if you have cancer, like chemo, like chemo pills. Like that was part of it. There was like a certain ritual, the stuff I had to take every day. And then those were not effective. So then we started doing infusions and I was getting infusions. And that's very much trial and error when you're dealing with infusions, like some, especially when it's an autoimmune thing. Some medications will work for some people and some they don't.
And of course you need to give them time to see if they will work. So is ulcerative colitis, is that an autoimmune? It is. Okay.
I didn't know that. And the interesting thing is, is they say, I believe with most autoimmune diseases that if you, you either have it or you don't. Like you have the genetic makeup for whatever it is. You can't help it.
You can't help it at all. But you may, it may never be like, you may, it never may present itself. So you actually have it when it's like dormant basically. And usually when they start to present, and in my case, I mean, I was 33, 32 when it started. And I had never had any problems before that.
And, but they say usually there's some sort of event, a virus, an environmental effect, something that will activate it, birth it, like activate it. And the interesting thing is with my second child, I had preeclampsia. It's the only time I ever had any type of issues and it was later in the pregnancy, so it wasn't even a whole. But that is like the only thing that I can pinpoint that, you know, like I had no problems and then I did.
And it just seems to make sense that, you know, maybe that was like what was kind of the activator to this. So, so you say you have five boys now and you have four boys then. So, so at what point did you find that you were pregnant again? With the fifth? Well, I had, number four was born in, when was he born? 2015. And so in between him and Max, so there was three years, I had three pregnancies and miscarriages in between those years.
But in 2017 is when I actually had my entire colon removed. So that was kind of, to answer your earlier question, you know, we had tried all these infusions and we let them dry and this didn't work. So then we tried and that didn't work.
We tried and tried. And I just remember it was right before Christmas in 2016 and I was just so, I was so sick and I just reached basically a breaking point. And I crawled, basically crawled into his office and I was like, it's got to go. You have to take it out.
It needs to go because I cannot, like any alternative to the way that life was, was much better. And so then they removed my colon in February of 2007. I mean, it happened very quickly. And he was a very big surgery too. I remember that being a very big surgery. It was very extensive. It was like six and a half hours to do the whole surgery and then recovery and all of that.
Yeah. So in between 2017 and 2018 is when Max was born. It's about a year and a half is when I had three. So when you, when you had those three miscarriages, did you struggle at all with feeling like your body was betraying itself or why would the Lord allow? Like, I guess did you, did you feel like the Lord was giving you this blessing of a baby in the midst of this trial just to take the baby away? And then like, was that a struggle for you at all? It was, especially at first, because like I said, I always had great pregnancies. I always felt like a million bucks and I never had morning sickness and you know, all this. And I really thought I was done after four. And I was content with that. I was fine.
Like there was just really not even a thought on my radar. And especially after just having surgery and then probably about five or six months after that is when I got pregnant. And I remember calling my surgeon and was like, I'm pregnant. Is that OK? Yeah. And he was basically like, I probably would prefer that you weren't, but you know, what are you going to know?
It's not impossible. It's not bad. You know, and so so but I remember, yeah, I was like so excited. It was like, yes. And so we went to I had my first ultra point ultrasound. And I remember that they said, well, there's like nothing there. Like they did the ultrasound and the sack was there, but there was no baby. Like that's how they described it. And that rocked my world. I think because I had such this not I didn't even recognize it as pride, but I think internally it was. It was like I've just always this is I've always done great with pregnancy. And so to have that happen, it was very confusing. Yeah. What?
Why is this happening? And it did. It did rock my world for a little bit. You know, did it did that kind of put the loss that you had? And I know you said you had three miscarriages. So once you had those miscarriages, did it kind of put a longing in your heart to have that fifth child? Did you kind of feel like, OK, and now I feel like our family supposed to have a fifth child?
It did. I don't even know if it was like I thought we were supposed to, but it almost didn't feel fair. It was OK. Like you give me that right to go out. Exactly.
To go out with a loss. Like if it was given to me like now, like it's not. And it wasn't like I strived for it. It wasn't like I felt like, OK, we have to make we have to have another one.
But it did. It felt very much almost like a betrayal to go out that way. Well, like sorrow upon sorrow, when I would assume that your heart was kind of aching for some redemption in all this sorrow that you were going through. And, you know, not only not only were you suffering daily, you know, and that's one of the things that I think people don't understand with chronic illness is that it's not it's not just a once in a while thing. It's all the time. And that's something that I think is important.
I was actually going to show that. So Sue's story is in this book, Hope in the Morning. And your story is actually the longest story. I know I was so hard, but I think that that is absolutely perfect because that is how chronic illness is. It's it's unrelenting. It's something that as a church, I think that we need to remember that people that have a chronic illness, like we don't ever want to make you feel like a burden.
It's not. We need to be there serving you as faithfully as as you're suffering. And so when we come back from the break, we're going to talk about how she mothered with with this ulcerative colitis and kind of how the Lord worked through her after this illness. Hope in the Morning is a listener sponsored program that encourages the weary, equips those who walk beside them and evangelizes the lost. If you want to partner with this ministry, visit Hope in the Morning dot org. And may you be filled with hope as you continue this episode of Hope in the Morning. Do you want to be equipped to help grieving people to learn what to say and what not to say from people who've walked through various trials? Throughout the month of April, with your donation of any amount, we'd like to send you a free copy of Hope in the Morning, a hope filled guide through grief. Be encouraged by their stories and equipped to offer hope. Visit us today at Hope in the Morning dot org. So when we left, we were talking about how Sue in her battle with illness, which had been going on for years at this point, that she also lost three precious babies. And then you found out that you were pregnant with yet another baby. Right. So can you tell us a little bit about about that?
Yes. Well, my fifth is Max, and it was pretty soon after the third miscarriage. It was not very long, maybe. I mean, a month or two after that, that we found out that we were pregnant with Max. And I remember we were just we weren't scared, but we were just very cautious about we usually waited to tell people anyway, you know, past that three month mark that everyone says. But we were just very cautious with this because we just weren't sure.
And so we waited and everything stayed fine and stayed fine. And so we actually announced on Mother's Day that we were pregnant with our fifth and we had done the DNA test. He's the only one that we said we already knew it was a boy we wanted to we wanted to know. I'm sure after four boys were like, oh, you're a girl, you are a girl. But you said that I was.
Yes. For number four and five, I prayed that they would be boys because it's like, that's what I knew. I don't want to rock the boat, you know, like when your boys are so like such a little tribe. And so, yes, so I definitely wanted it to be a boy. And so we wanted to know. And so we waited and our Mother's Day picture, you know, that you do when you're all dressed up and, you know, and we were holding the picture and we said, happy Mother's Day.
You know, for me and my five sons or something like that or what a blessing it is to be a mom to five sons. And so that was that was how we announced it. And wouldn't you know, the very next day I landed in the hospital and this was after my surgery.
So I shouldn't, you know, be in the hospital. This all should have been resolved. Right. And it wasn't. And we knew even before that that things, you know, were not as well as we thought.
They were going much better than they were before. Yeah. But, you know, things weren't perfect. But yeah. So that was kind of a shock was, you know, a shock to us that the very next day I landed in the hospital for close to a week.
Wow. Just because of my illness, not because of the pregnancy, but the illness. So did you did you find that your mind kind of went toward fear with that baby, like thinking initially that you were just going to lose this baby, too? I knew I was going to lose this baby. I knew it.
But I didn't. But in my heart, like I knew it. And it really was.
I remember thinking, like, this is where the rubber meets the road, because even with the third loss, which had been just the December before that. I you know, I remember going to my husband and I told him I was like, I am just so at peace. Like, I feel like the Lord has just sustained us and he's held us and he's made me just so confident in his plan.
Yeah. That this is the plan. You know, so whatever has happened to me, whatever is happening now, this is the plan.
And it always was the plan. And I can be confident in that. So, yeah, I'm very I'm very settled and I'm very peaceful. But I'm so peaceful that almost feels like apathy. I remember telling him and I knew it wasn't.
But it's just, you know, they talk about the peace that passes all understanding. And that's really what it was. It was just such a rest in that that it almost seemed uncaring in my mind that I was going through a miscarriage, you know. So when all this happened with Max and then I landed in the hospital, it very much was this is where the rubber.
You know, do you still believe that that whatever happens is in the Lord's hands? And I was I mean, in my mind, it was like I'm going to lose this baby, too. And there I did go to it's not fair. Like, why would we get this far?
Why would we announce this? Why would why does this keep happening? This is not fair, especially with all the imaging they were doing. I mean, you know, you're not even supposed to be in the room when they're doing X-rays when you're pregnant, you know. And I mean, I was having MRIs done. I had CT scans.
They had done X-rays in the emergency room. I was on all sorts of morphine and, you know, the allotted and all the medication in there. So I just knew all things considered that, you know, the Lord was going to take Max to. Yeah. You know, I I think that I have realized even in miscarriages and even with my latest one, like my my go to thought was like, OK, Lord, we have open hands and hopeful hearts.
Yes. But then it was like when when there was no heartbeat, I realized that like my hands were not as open as I wanted them to be. And as I hoped that they were. And I think that the Lord sometimes he knows what's best for us, you know, and the Lord and his kindness, as you said, Max was perfectly healthy.
He was. And that's miraculous. Medically miraculous. I mean, from everything they tell you.
I mean, it really is. You know, and I mean, his when we were in the hospital, I'm going to tell his verse. I wanted to read his verse that I came up with him for him. But like his heartbeat, they had him monitored. I was in. It was crazy because they had me in the maternal ward because I was pregnant. Whereas normally I would be in an opposite in like a different part of the hospital, but because of Max. So we had doctors and we had maternal doctors and we had the, you know, G.I. doctors all in all that. So it was very much there was a lot of people around, you know, all the time doing a lot of different things. And his heartbeat like never faltered, not like it never dropped. It never was to steady the entire time after all of this. And he was a full term baby.
He wasn't even. So the Lord had given me this verse and I actually had a leather bracelet. I have engraved with it on there. It's Isaiah 61, two and three. It says and to provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. And so that really after we found, you know, even after I had Max and of course, now his older brothers think he's incredibly spoiled because, you know, there's something special about him. It's almost like he's such a gift. And even now I tell him, I'm like, you are special because God gave you to me. Like you were not supposed to be here in the world's terms.
I'm like, you are a gift. And I hope that someday I can explain to him more what that means. But he really I mean, he it was like and I'm not saying that my faith was perfect and that I trialed through all of this perfectly well with him. But it's almost like he is the blessing, like he was the reward at the end of this.
The reward that I don't deserve. The Lord still said, yeah, here you go. Here is here is your blessing.
Here is your you know, here. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and one of those things, too, even even with the babies that you did lose, you know, like in Psalm 139, it talks about how the Lord has numbered every one of our days. And every one of those children still mattered. They still count amongst your children. You know, I mean, you're a mother of you're a mother of eight, not a mother of just five. And and the Lord allows us to have even those short lives that we can actually guide their testimonies. And we can say, you know what? That was a painful loss.
And going through going through ulcerative colitis and having to mother all of those children extremely painful and extremely debilitating at times. It's all part of the bigger story. Yeah. All those little things. And you see how God is faithful. You know, what what were some of the things that people did to kind of tangibly show you God's faithfulness? And I know you have a story in here actually talking about how you said, see, like, see boys, God sees. And so what what were ways that people served you that that you would tell our listeners are great ways to serve people who maybe are more independent. Yes. You know, I feel like I've known you now for, I think, 12 years.
Long time. And you're you're very you're very capable, independent person. And so with just a couple of minutes that we have left, what what would you say are the best tips that you could give to people that that are going to serve other people that are in kind of like the relenting storm, unrelenting storm? I think that that's one thing, you know, even through the illness and all that, that the one the Lord showed me many, many things. But one thing that you alluded to was just the independence. And really, that's just a form of pride. And I like being in control. And I'm not even a type A person. I'm a pretty relaxed mom. I think the people who know me would know that. But I like being the perception that, like, I can handle all these balls and I can do all these things and keep them juggled in the air. And the Lord, I mean, through the illness, through needing to accept help, that was really something that was revealed to me that like how prideful my heart really was in wanting to maintain that illusion that I could do everything. And I think that's common for moms in general. But I remember there were times like you did several times.
Just drop things off at the house like no questions act. I didn't know anybody was coming. I didn't know. But I remember there were groceries. There was bread. There was peanut butter. There were games.
There were toys. There were just left on our doorstep. And it always seemed like on the days when I really just could not like how am I going to make dinner for these kids? The amount of times that people just showed up with food. Like I remember one time my friend texted me, you know, I made all this extra food. I didn't realize how much it made.
And they had a big family, but it made more than that. She's like, I'm just going to bring this over to you. And it was on like a day that I needed it, that I needed that help.
And it was like the Lord always provided for those days when I was really weakest. Just allowed people the know how just to say, hey, I'm just doing this. I'm going to do this for you. I know the reaction and there's nothing wrong with it saying, how can I help?
Let me know if there's something I can do for you. And the majority of people, whether they think they're independent or not, they're not going to let you know if there's something you can do because they don't want inconvenience. Anybody else who also has lives and has a family and, you know, things going on. So I think one of the most impactful things to me, and it did not make me feel less than it did not make me feel like that I couldn't handle things. It made me feel so incredibly like, wow, this person just they just did this. The Lord knew and impressed on their heart just to do this for me. And so that's I would say that that's one of the biggest things. You know, if you're feeling just the nudge or the urge to just do something, just do it because you never know. You know, maybe they're not chronically ill. Maybe they just are having a bad day.
And they could really use some of that extra cordon bleu you made. Absolutely. Has your health been doing better? Yeah, it's still 100 percent better.
The short answer is yes. There are definitely things that, you know, are not as well as we thought they would be. But I think that the Lord, I determined that that's just the thorn in the flesh that, you know, Paul talks about. That this is just like my thorn, per se, that is here with its lingering, you know, issues that, you know, come around every so often.
And it just just keep me humble and focused and dependent on the Lord. Yeah. Know that I can't keep all my balls juggled in the air all the time. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, and there you and I were talking before about how there is there's a strength in being vulnerable with things. And especially within the church, when we can just say, hey, this is my burden.
Can you help me bear it? Because, you know, the Lord talks about how he will take our heavy burden and that his yoke is light and he will exchange it for us. And what what a blessing that is. But sometimes the way that the Lord does that is through one another. You know, and that's kind of I think it's in John 13 when it talks about that they will know that we are his because of our love for one another. And that's what we want to show.
We want to be able to put off our busy life and get in the trenches with somebody else and say, you know what? You are important and I'm going to show you the love of Jesus today. So thank you so much for joining us today and being willing to share your testimony of trial and loss.
And we hope that you have been encouraged by this episode and tune in for more stories of trials and tears turned into testimony. Hope in the Morning is a nonprofit ministry that seeks to encourage the hurting, equip those who walk beside them and evangelize the lost with the hope of Jesus Christ. To partner with our ministry or to make a donation in your loved one's honor, please visit HopeInTheMorning.org. Your donation helps keep these stories of hope on the air and helps tangibly meet the needs of the hurting. Have you ever walked through the deep suffering of a friend and been at a loss for what to say? How can you comfort someone when they've just lost a loved one or been diagnosed with cancer? Join us on Hope in the Morning to hear testimonies of people who've gone through life's hardest trials and share what you can do to serve others in similar circumstances. To learn more, visit us at HopeInTheMorning.org.
