Author La Vonne Earl Discusses Caring For Sexual Trauma Victims

Speaking of hangry, we've got something going on with the Truth Network that's going to help the world not be so hangry. Yeah, he's talking about just needing God's Word. He said, please help the Truth Network send Bibles to Africa, and we know that they need God's Word. We have until the end of the month, just $5 gets a Bible in the hands of a poor, impoverished believer all over the African continent with the help of the Bible League. Just $5.

Just think about that, Robbie. Just $5. So please give. If you can give more than $5, man, we'd love for you to do it. And the number to call is 1-800-YES-WORD. 1-800-YES-WORD. The 1-800-YES-WORD. Welcome back to Hope for the Caregiver. This is Peter Roseburger.

This is the show for you as a family caregiver. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I love that. And that is one of my favorite songs. And Kelly Clarkson is one of Gracie's favorite, favorite artists to listen to. And just she just loves her.

She's an amazingly talented lady. And that song is such a great song for folks who are dealing with tough issues. And I wanted to tackle one of those issues today. This is a we've got an author on the phone with us today.

Her name is Lavon Earl. And one of the things that I have found a lot of fellow caregivers deal with on two different levels. They're in relationship with someone who has had a traumatic event of sexual abuse somewhere in their life. And they're not sure how to interact with them. And there's certain pitfalls in the relationship that suffer when you've had that kind of history. And how do you how do you engage properly? How do you help walk through some healing with them or help facilitate their healing or not created to make it any worse? What are some ways to navigate that? And then the other part of it is for family caregivers I've seen. Is that a lot of times a loved one is taking care of an aging loved one that or an aging family member that has abused them in the past.

And those issues haven't been resolved and may not be resolved. And so Lavon Earl has got a new book out. It's called Born to Bloom. And she tackles this subject and she's got a video series and so forth workbook that's going to go along with it. But I wanted to have her on the show to talk about it. And Lavon, thank you for being a part of the show. Thank you so much for having me.

It's a pleasure to be here. This is a tough subject and it's not an easy one, but it is an important one to get into because so many people are dealing with this. And so many people are stumbling through life trying to find some kind of solid ground in this issue. And so let's let's tackle the first when you when you're dealing with somebody.

And a lot of this you've you've you've done with your your writings and your books and your speaking so forth from personal experience and from the experience of working with so many others. But when you're dealing with somebody who has had a sexual abuse, traumatic event history in their life, or maybe multiple times. What are some things that people might need to be aware of to be in relationship with that person? Well, you're talking about the person that's in a relationship and I'd love to address that second, if you don't mind, because what I'd love to say first is that it's important to understand for the person who has been abused that you're not alone. That unfortunately, this has happened to many, many people, both men and women, prevalently more women, but you're not alone and especially you're not alone because God is always with you. And I would say any form of healing begins with first understanding your true identity, no matter what you need healing from your true identity is the very, very first place to start. And if you are in a relationship with someone who has been abused, which is your question to begin, I would say the first thing to understand is their true identity and to be speaking into their true identity, which is that they are victorious, that they are loved, that they are worthy, that they are pure.

All the things that they so desperately need to hear, you can become like life-giving water to that individual because you speak beauty in God's blessings into their life. Opposed to, gosh, you really seem to be hurt by this. You really seem like something's wrong. Maybe you need help if you instead begin to speak into their true identity and like, you know what?

You're so victorious. I see you doing so great. Is there anything I can help you with and opposed to coming in with advice? Well, and I would never even presume to give advice to somebody who's been through something like that. I would simply sit with them and let them know that their pain is real and their pain is brutal. And then always point them to professionals. I think it is important that we do help them see, you know, that they are, that this is not something that is reflective of who they are. This is something that happened to them. And I think that's, is that what you seem to be driving at? Absolutely.

They didn't solicit this by any stretch of the imagination. This was, they were victimized by this. You know, it's like, you know, my wife had a car accident. She is not a car accident. She had a car. She had a wreck in her car.

But she is not, you know, that is not her identity. So that's important. What are some of the things that you found with people that when you're in relationship, I mean, let's go, I mean, even very specific. It may seem like really simple stuff, but simple stuff works. Do you go into a situation where you just learn to be still and quiet? Do you ask any types of specific questions or do you just kind of just listen? I think, what works the most? Back to focusing on the individual in a relationship with somebody who has been abused.

The most important thing you said, which is do not advise, and it's obviously that you are coming at this from a very wise perspective, but unfortunately, there are not a lot of skilled individuals out there in relationships with people who have been abused. So the number one thing is silence and listening. So being able to listen, if you can just close your mouth and just listen, just sit with them.

That's the most important thing to do. And then your body language and your tone. That means that is rapport. It's always so important to have a rapport with whoever you're in a relationship with. And rapport is really basically becoming like somebody so that they can like you. So if they're in pain, then we want to be in pain with them.

God says to mourn with those who mourn and to rejoice with those who rejoice. So basically get your body language, your mood, your personality to have a rapport and a likeness like the individual going through pain so you can just listen to them. And then you can ask questions to help lead.

You could ask questions of what can I do for you is do you think it might be a good idea to go see a professional? So instead of advising, asking, because what they lost, first of all, is their voice and their opinion. They've already lost that. They lost control.

Somebody violated them. And so to take that from them by advising them and giving them direction and advice and everything is further damaging, opposed to sitting back and asking questions about what they need, how they can have an opinion and they can walk in their strength and their power, which God gave to them. And so they truly know the answers within them. And we have to trust that they know what the right thing to do is for them. Well, I think that's very important that you do is empowering them. You're giving them agency or we don't give people agency. They have agency.

We just stop taking away their agency. And I think that's a big, huge issue that when people have been violated in this manner, that they have lost that sense of agency and reclaiming that is paramount to their own, their own well-being. And I think that, you know, and I've and I and I, I want to just parallel that a little bit of my journey with with a woman who's a victim of trauma.

And that's my wife. So trauma takes on many different forms. And in her case, it's physical trauma from a from a horrific wreck. Well, Gracie is is is crippled. Both of her legs are gone. She's in a wheelchair a lot and she's in a lot of pain all the time, but she still deserves to have her own agency, her own voice and her own way of wanting to do things.

I cannot just do everything for simply because I can do it faster or say, well, because you're in this situation, I'm going to do this and this and this. I am robbing her of that dignity. Yeah, it sounds like the same thing is happening when you're dealing with sexual trauma that too many, too often, they're the trauma is compounded by people not recognizing the agency that is so desperate to their their soul to have and to for us to be tread lightly in that.

And I've had to learn to do that with someone physically. And it sounds like this is it mirrors this emotionally with what's going on with these individuals. Is that is that a fair assessment?

It very much is. And I always say that you cannot compare abuse and also a trauma, right? What affected somebody traumatically, whether it was an accident or whatever they have gone through whatever it is, it has affected them traumatically. And so we can't compare it. People get very depressed suicidal and and lose all hope just because of whatever has happened to them.

So we don't compare it. But yes, in the same sense, we we want to give people back their agency back their dignity back their power and trust that they can hear from God and God will give them and point them in the right direction. So the more that you can learn to trust and simply just listen and empower them which goes back to speaking to their true identity, which is that they are powerful, right? They are healed. They're healthy. They're hopeful.

Give them back their true identity by helping with some beautiful godly words of who they truly are so that they can walk in that strength and that power that God has originally given to them. What are some things that we would want to avoid saying we would want to we would want to back away from or things that may we may be have good intentions and they may sound real sincere on our part, but in reality, we're speaking out of ignorance and we could end up compounding some different problems. You know, I've for example, again, I just put it in what I know with the physical a lot of times when people will come up with with with Gracie if she's in a chair and I noticed they talk to her differently if she's in her chair versus wearing wearing her legs and they will tend to either, you know, you talk down to people or they'll disregard her and talk this to me and almost ignore her.

I've seen this. I have a friend of mine who is blind and people will talk louder to him because they think he's deaf too. You know that kind of stuff because and it's not that they're trying to be jerks about it. It's just that people are uncomfortable. They don't and part of what I try to do on the show is educate how to speak to people who are wounded how to speak to people who are struggling. What kind of language do we use?

And so I'm thinking are there some things that we might want to avoid saying? What a great question. Awesome.

Awesome. Awesome question. I would say a number one is you don't need to know the details. A lot of times people will out of their own curiosity and ignorance ask gosh. Well, what happened? Tell me about that. Well, when did it happen?

Where did it happen? You do not need to know the details that is not important. They do not need to be further abused by you by having to explain the details of what happened to them.

That is wrong and it is not helpful at all. Again silence and like you said people are often very uncomfortable with what to do. The most important thing you can do is just be there saying things like I am sorry, but don't add to I'm sorry people don't always need to hear it.

So for example using your wife, I'm not sure about that. But you know, I am so sorry for the loss of your legs. Now, she's further being wounded because you're speaking more about the loss of her legs or I am so sorry that you were raped or this happened to you and you know, it's like that simply I am sorry don't add to it. Leave it alone after that. I am so sorry.

I am here for you. What can I do to help you? Those are helpful things to say, but don't out of your own curiosity need to fill in the details. I think that's a great piece of advice is don't make them have to relive it.

You know, we don't need to hear. One of the things a pastor friend of mine told me he said it's not how lurid the tail, it's how great the Savior and so we don't a lot of times we want to parade around our messes and I don't I don't feel that's healthy for a lot of folks to do that and we we don't we Grace and I have found that out in our lives. I had a friend of mine who when we talked about this issue and for this show and everything else that I've done with it and who had experienced this as a child and years later, you know, she had family members when she confronted them about it and the family members. Well, that was such a long time ago. Just get over it. Well, that's a horrible thing to say you don't just get over something like this. And and I think that's something I want people to know that are in relationship with somebody who you know, maybe your maybe your spouse maybe you know, whatever friend whatever if you're in a relationship, you don't just get over it, you know, well this this is something you don't get over. It's something you work through you work through healing and you recover you go you walk through recovery, but you don't just get over it just because it was 25 years ago. I so agree with that and as someone who I am 56 years old and coming out with my own story to my mom of what happened when I was 11 years old.

And so that was five years ago that I came out and shared some things that that she had hurt me and other things that had happened to me and then her anger and her like, well, why are you sorry now? So why is a horrible question? First of all and our ministry we teach people not to use the word why because it's a very accusatory statement a better statement is wow.

What happened? Could you tell me more and that's not a curiosity of details, but when somebody's coming to you and presenting something to you now, it's an opportunity for you to validate them and to open the door of what they want to share with you. And so that is a validation is huge to be able to be validated about what happened and to be believed about what happened when you are finally brave enough to come and share your story somebody doesn't need to disregard your story. Definitely well, and that's the thing is can we can we cultivate good listening skills to people and recognize that we don't have to own their pain, but we can appreciate and respect their pain. One of my favorite passages in scripture is Job 2 13 where Job's friends came and sat with him for seven days didn't even say a word because his grief was so great and I've come to understand that I've talked with a rabbi friend of mine in the in the Jewish culture. There is that morning time of seven days where where people will sit with them. They won't they won't try to advise or say you need to just get on with this whatever that you just recognize the trauma of what's happening you respect it and Yvonne you thank you for taking the time on this.

We've got to go to a break people want to find you. It's YKI coaching.com. Correct, correct.

Yes YKI coaching.com. The book is called born to bloom and you have a video series that goes with this. Did I understand that correctly? Yes, that's correct. So that I'll be walking people through the seven-week journey of very healing will do it together. Yes, that is so that is so awesome that you're taking on this subject. I know it's a personal thing with you and that is something that's very meaningful to you to be able to walk with people through this.

This is LaVon Earl and you can find her again at YKI coaching.com and I appreciate you very much being on the show LaVon. This is Peter Rosenberg. This is hope for the caregiver.

We'll be right back. This is John Butler and I produce hope for the caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie and recently Peter talked to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen. Gracie when you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think that inmates would help you do that?

Not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by CoreCivic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country that you put out the plea for and they're disassembling you see all these legs like what you have your own prosthetic and arms and arms everything when you see all this what does that do to you? Makes me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out.

Of course being in the hospital so much and so long and so these men are so glad that they get to be doing as one band said something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea. You know, I thought of peg leg. I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and sea legs and all that.

I never thought about that. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this. Knowing that they're helping other people now walk. They're providing the means for these supplies to get over there.

What does that do to you just on a heart level? I wish I could explain to the world what I see in there and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here. He needs to go to Africa with us. I never not feel that way out every time, you know, you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that I would have never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had an experience with it. What do you think of the faith-based programs that CoreCivic offers? I think they're just absolutely awesome. And I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one are just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't have them. And I think that that says so much.

That doesn't have anything to do with me. It just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or, you know, somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own for them to do. How do they do that? Where do they find it? Please go to standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Thanks, Gracie.