Moving From The City To The Country Saved Her Life

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To search for the Our American Stories podcast, go to the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Up next, a powerful yet difficult story, one that touches on some topics that aren't suited for young children. My name is Jake Kaiser and years of trauma from being molested as a child, raped repeatedly and beaten later in life, and then having a series of miscarriages. It was a lot that I just shoved it under the rug because that's what we do. Take a pill, ignore it, go work out. That didn't help me.

Therapy didn't help me and I just, my self-worth was really, really low. So, I own my own company, marketing and PR firm, and there's no such thing as a vacation. When you're doing your own thing and you're the boss, you work constantly. I would literally take phone calls or emails at midnight, Christmas, and then I would have to work because people calling you at that hour, and I had international clients, they don't care. I had people that they were the type of clients who would text you, email you, and then if you didn't respond immediately, you would get a phone call. Or they would just call to see, did you get my email?

You sent it two minutes ago, I'm responding. And I had a lot of high maintenance clients that were very demanding and had a lot of experience. That were very demanding and had no boundaries, but I allowed them to have no boundaries. The thing about having these clients and being in PR is there's always something to push. It's propaganda. You're pushing a product or an ideology that someone else wants the public to know about and to buy into. And that was my job, was creating the propaganda, but listening to most of these people who, and even entities and companies, are just utterly shallow. And here I was, I was like their pimp. What do you want me to put out there? What do you want people to believe about you?

And that's what I did. I was generating propaganda. And it disgusted me when I started realizing it. And it was along that time where I started asking myself, what makes me happy? Why do I feel so empty? This is not satisfying. And I think that was one of the biggest shocks of my life internally, was realizing that I don't know what makes me happy.

Nothing does. And then over time, of course, I would focus on what do I do? What are my daily habits? Is there anything I'm doing that gives me any joy whatsoever or any satisfaction or any peace? And I finally came down to my morning cup of tea, having tea and the process of making it, like hot tea. And it was so silly.

I'm like, this is ridiculous. Nothing makes me happy but tea? And that was just more of a peaceful moment. And that was just more of a peaceful moment where I was lost in the process of creating something. I think, you know, I know people who are coffee drinkers that have that same sort of Zen moment in the mornings when that's their moment of peace before the world comes in. And so I could identify with that.

But that can't be it. And it was. So it was kind of a perfect storm of, I need to do something. I need to make a monumental decision on my life. And nine and a half years ago, I left a busy city life to move to rural Mississippi to try my hand at learning self-reliance, raising animals, learning skills that I hadn't had in the city. I had no real skills. I had no ability to actually take care of myself. I was reliant on a million other people, grocery stores, water treatment plants, electricity companies. And it really bothered me.

And to this day, I don't know why that started. But it was part of it, part of one of the reasons why I wanted to move to this to the country. It was the best decision of my life. I believe that it was through solitude and monitoring my thoughts that I was able to overcome ultimately the traumas and the low self-worth. And at some point, I still wasn't dealing with the traumas necessarily. But somehow inside, I think that it was just processing. It was just, it was almost like all the knots were just slowly coming undone until I had finally, it was a massive event for me that was a catalyst. I had been broken up with on Valentine's Day, which is my favorite holiday.

A guy who had worked on me for years, you know, filling my head with dreams of motherhood. And that's fine. I mean, it is what it is. But it was just like this perfect storm of where the universe is like, you're going to deal with this right now. This is front and center.

This is front and center. I think I, I mean, I was done. I was, I, even though I was weirdly and quietly healing and really enjoying my life in some ways, I had that dream of motherhood that was so strong that if I couldn't have it and I couldn't be a wife and a mother, who was I?

No one. And you're listening to Jake Kaiser share her story with us. Years of trauma and sexual abuse. She ignored it. She tried to work through it by working. Therapy didn't work.

Well, nothing did. She ran away. She ran to a new life in rural Mississippi, and she also ultimately hoped solitude would do it. Then the breakup on Valentine's Day with a man she thought she'd start a family with and her dreams shattered. When we come back more with Jake Kaiser's story here on Our American Stories. in America like we do please go to our American stories.com and click the donate button give a little give a lot help us keep the great American stories coming that's our American stories.com need life insurance but have diabetes high blood pressure or on anxiety meds if you're a 50 year old male even porky or with type two diabetes a million dollars of life insurance may only cost you about 200 bucks a month for affordable term life insurance call term provider and speak with Big Lou at 800-700-6898 800-700-6898 or visit BigLou.com remember Big Lou's like you he's on meds too 800-700-6898 fall is just around the corner and home is the center of it all at Ashley seasonal decorating is a breeze with their range of designs and materials snuggle up on a family-friendly sectional or an ultra modern sofa or gather outside and enjoy the crisp cool air with a new fire pit or conversation set from minor refreshes to total overhauls Ashley has the essentials to make your home fall functional and fabulous shop in store or visit ashley.com today for 10 years Verizon has provided technology curriculum and connectivity to over a million students like William I met William in the sixth grade from the beginning he wanted to explore things Mr. Gonzalez actually put a robot in my hand and gave me a tablet and he let me code it and move it around that opened my eyes and I realized how cool this stuff was now my classroom is a place of innovation they're going to shape the world get the full story at Verizon innovative learning.com and we continue with our American stories and with Jake Kaiser's story of sexual trauma miscarriages and divorce and her decision to radically transform her life by moving from a big city to a Mississippi farm let's return to Jake on the day of a breakup that would finally change everything so it was just that particular day where everything came crashing down I'd found a sonogram picture of the last miscarriage that last baby my dreams of being a wife and a mother were just over just crushed and I had I had lost my faith from that first baby and it had been years of floundering and feeling like I was in quicksand and and not having faith of any kind that I just didn't want any of this anymore I didn't if there was nothing to look forward to what was the point if I had no value there definitely wasn't a point so I decided that I was going to punish God and end it all how do you punish God you can't fight him he doesn't show up where you can punch him in the face the only way I could punish him was to end my own life and at least in my mind that was the only way to punish him for my innocence gone for my lost motherhood for not having love so I went down to my pond and laid down actually I yelled out first I was yelling and saying if there's no if this is all there is I don't want it anymore I don't know who I was talking to but I think that was my challenge that was my that was my final challenge to God you're gonna freaking fix this or I'm coming up there I will have this out with you in person and you're gonna pay and and my dog showed up and he's a great Pyrenees and he's this giant white dog and he had like this giant white mane because it's winter and I had kind of collapsed on the ground and I was crying because I just felt totally unheard uncared for it totally unwanted and Luca my dog quietly is I can't believe that to this day I can't I didn't hear him just all of a sudden he was there standing over me sniffing my face and he's very quiet dog and he had kind of whippered a little bit but it didn't shake my heart and then he laid down in front of me and blocked me from the water and I had a million thoughts but one was how how can I do this to him people will take the animals but they won't take a dog or a cat that's different people will take farm animals that they'll be okay but how can I do this will he be okay and then I thought I don't want to be mourning my babies for the rest of my life I don't want to be 80 years old and thinking that I missed out on the biggest piece of life the biggest dream I had that I felt entitled to because I'm a woman I mean there were a million thoughts and then I closed my eyes and I just thought there's nobody here to hear me except my dog but out loud I said please help me and I'll never forget watching the air leave my my breath leave that go out into the air and spread out you know there's Luca's hair he's all white but I see that breath you know there's Luca's hair he's all white but I see that breath and in that moment I mean maybe one second after those words left my mouth I had this weird an immediate sense of hope and I think it was because I for for real I knew people always say they want to get better I want to feel better I want to get better but a lot of times we wear that we that is part of our identity is that whatever victim of whatever failure of whatever it's our it's our identity in that moment I knew I genuinely did not want to carry this anymore and it was incredible there was this knowing that I meant it I meant I want to feel better I meant I don't want to mourn my babies forever that I don't want to be I meant it and I was dedicated to it in that moment and there was some sort of I can only describe it as hope I can only describe it as hope it was as if someone took hope and shoved it inside of me this little light and my attention to that light my attention to that true and honest desire to want to heal to not want to feel bitter towards every pregnant woman towards every family it was a horrible thing to carry in me and I knew I really didn't want that I really didn't want to be that person ever again I didn't want that to be my identity is what I look at it as now and I mean that was it it was as if everything that I had ever gone through it was just over still assessable I could still go there but it doesn't own me it doesn't rule me I don't I don't make decisions from that I have worth and it was in that moment and people go through therapy for years what was that what happened in that millisecond from that realization all those demons became my power it was as if my whole life them trying to show themselves to me all of these things happening all of these all this anxiety and all this darkness and and these demons I had been dealing with were just like the demons that I had been dealing with these demons I had been dealing with were never my enemy it was me going just look at it just look at all of these things they can't kill you it's over that was the most transformative powerful moment of my life and it happened in a second and terrific job on that storytelling by alex and sunny and a special thanks to jay kaiser for truly sharing a tough story if there was nothing to look forward to she said if I had no value there was no point I figured I'd punish god it was winter I walked outside I'm done I'm on the ground and by the water and then comes luka and then comes this moment what was that she said about that moment but from then on she had hope and worth the story of jay kaiser author of daffodil hill uprooting my life buying a farm and learning to bloom here on our american stories so fall is just around the corner and home is the center of it all at ashley seasonal decorating is a breeze with their range of designs and materials snuggle up on a family-friendly sectional or an ultra modern sofa or gather outside and enjoy the crisp cool air with a new fire pit or conversation set from minor refreshes to total overhauls ashley has the essentials to make your home fall functional and fabulous shop in store or visit ashley.com today need life insurance but have diabetes high blood pressure or on anxiety meds if you're a 50-year-old male even porky or with type 2 diabetes a million dollars of life insurance may only cost you about 200 bucks a month for affordable term life insurance call term provider and speak with big lou at 800-700-6898 800-700-6898 or visit biglou.com remember big lou's like you he's on meds too 800-700-6898 for 10 years verizon has provided technology curriculum and connectivity to over a million students like manu manu was one of the first students in the verizon innovative learning program suddenly i get exposed to this technology it was like hey this is where you belong it totally changed our school it changed the culture of learning and it allowed most importantly for students to become leaders get the full story at verizon innovative learning.com