A reading tonight from Ephesians chapter 6 and the first four verses of Ephesians chapter 6. Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Let's pray. Father, you have revealed yourself as Father and you have declared that we are your children adopted in Jesus Christ. By your good pleasure, we thank you that you have established the home of family as a place of primary importance and significance in our walk with you. Grandfather, that we would know and understand your word as it applies to our families and to our life together in the Lord. Guide our thoughts tonight as we look at your word, establish truth in us, and we would live according to your will and your good pleasure.
And we ask this in Jesus' name. Amen. You may be seated. Amen.
You may be seated. Tonight we come to the second illustration that Paul gives as he applies the overarching principle that he declared back in chapter 5 at verse 18. He said, do not be drunk with wine but be filled with the Spirit. And the last time we looked at his first illustration of this and application of this in the home as he looked at the relationship between husbands and wives. And tonight we come to this matter of the parent-child relationship. It seems to me this is one of the most important admonitions that we could receive in our day. We see the results of poor parenting all around us out in the world. It's evident that children are undisciplined and lacking in self-control. And there is a great need for us to hear God's ways in this matter of parenting. The sad truth, however, is that we have this need also within the church.
There are many of the same problems in the church today where the tenets of psychiatry and social studies and so forth have greater sway many times than the Word of God. And so we see that children in general today lack respect for their parents. They do not honor parents.
They're not disciplined. And correspondingly, parents in general are far more concerned with career and success and affluence than they are with the growth and health of the children in their spiritual journey. The controlling worldview places more value on personal autonomy than on investing in the next generation. And we see that children don't seem to be seen as a treasure, a gift from God, a fruit of the room, a reward from God. So just kind of an aside while we're thinking about this matter of how the fall has taken us so far in this matter of the family and the relationship between husband, wife, parent, and child, we have recently heard of something that has gotten the attention even of secular media, and it reveals how little children are valued today. Most of you are familiar with the comedian, political commentator by the name of Bill Maher. Bill Maher has his own television program called Real Time with Bill Maher. And in a recent episode, he and two British journalists were discussing abortion and expressing his understanding of the position of those who are absolutist with regard to the matter of abortion. This liberal commentator comedian made this statement. He said, they say it's murder. I kind of think it is.
And that's an amazing admission from a liberal comedian commentator. They say it's murder. I kind of think it is.
Then he goes even further. He says, they say it's murder. I kind of think it is. And I'm okay with that. I'm just okay with that. As jarring as that is to us, his reason, his justification for that statement is even more shocking. He says, I'm okay with that. I mean, there are eight billion people in the world. I'm sorry.
We won't miss you. That's my position on it, he says. And one of his guests, Piers Morgan, kind of jokingly responded, said, well, maybe it's because you don't like children. And the truth is that today, children are not treasured as God's gift. They are not welcomed as a source of blessing and happiness. Just like the disciples in Jesus' day, many couples view children as an annoyance, unimportant to be kept from interfering with adult aspirations.
While such an attitude might never be voiced in the church, the truth is that there are couples, even among Christians, who think it's okay to prevent the birth of children. And we don't realize that God never rescinded that command that Eugene prayed about. God said, be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth.
Take dominion over it. We need to be reminded of what Malachi said in the closing verses of the Old Testament. In Malachi, it said that one would be coming who will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to fathers. And God gave that warning because if I don't do this, I'll have to come and smite the nation with destruction. So as we come to these opening verses of chapter 6, let's begin with just a brief review. Going back into chapter 5, that general principle that he states there, kind of the summary statement at the end of chapter 5, verse 18, he says, and I have trouble finding these verses in the ESV.
I'm sorry. It's in paragraph form. And the verses are hard for my old eyes to see. So pardon me. I'm going to just quote King James.
That's what's in my head anyway. He says, and be not drunk with wine where it is excess, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing, making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for all things to God and the Father through Jesus Christ. And submitting yourselves to one another out of fear of Christ. That's the basic principle, the overall principle that is guiding the rest of chapter 5 and then the first half of chapter 6, as he talks about how Spirit-filled living is to be manifested in relationships within the home. And he gives us three pairs of verses in chapter 5.
And I'm going to go through them in a minute. He gives us three pairs of relationships that illustrate and apply these principles. First of all, husbands to wives. And by the way, when we start talking about children and parent relationship, the most important aspect of your effective parenting, the most important key to effective parenting is a right relationship between husband and wife.
That's the most important aspect of that parenting and child relationship. So he talks about husbands and wives, parents and children, and then masters and servants. And Paul is giving us specific instructions as he applies the principle of Spirit-filled living in each of these concrete end-time relationships.
But we also see in each of these a picture of a greater spiritual reality that he's pointing to. The husband-wife relationship, he says this, I'm speaking about Christ and the church, the bride of Christ. In the parent-child relationship, we see a manifestation of the relationship between God the Father and his adopted children, the people of God. And then in the master-servant relationship, a picture of the sovereignty of God over all mankind. All of Paul's illustrations of the Spirit-filled life point to how the Christian life is to be lived out in the home, in the family.
And so tonight's text, we focus on the relationship between parent and child. The family was, as we all know, the first institution God established after the creation of man. In Genesis chapter 2 verse 24, he says that a man is to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two of them to become one flesh. In fact, Paul has already reminded us of this in speaking to husbands and wives back in chapter 5 in verse 30 and 31, he says that we are members of the body of Christ, of his bone, his flesh. And because of that, a man is to leave his father and mother and be joined his wife and they too are to become one flesh. And so because we are members of Christ's body, we are to be joined together in establishing godly families. Family is vital to everything else. It has influence in all of life.
It is like concentric circles rippling out from a stone cast into the water. The influence of the family flows out into the church, into society as a whole, to our whole nation, ultimately to the world. The brokenness of the family is a manifestation of the fall and what it has done to man. Paul in both Romans and in 2 Timothy points to children who are disobedient to parents as evidence of the depravity of man and the consequence of our rebellion against God and his ways. Left to ourselves, we are like that drunken man that is spoken of in chapter 5 verse 18.
We are lawless, lacking in discipline and self-control, uninhibited, unrestrained. But spirit-fueled lives, on the other hand, are ones that exhibit restraint and self-control. In fact, over in Galatians, when he is speaking of the fruit of the spirit, part of that fruit of the spirit is self-control. And so as we dive into the text tonight, let's remember that we understand that this life and this spirit, he is not just presenting ethics or morality here. These are not just rules for external behavior. This is something that is only possible by the power of the Spirit of God at work in the heart and life of a believer. His application in all three of these chapters, four through six, it's more than just moral teaching. It's more than just a mere how-to. You don't take what he says here and somehow make mechanical rules out of it that will make your family a success.
It's not that. This is the life of the Spirit of God in us enabling and empowering us. And so as we read these commands, we realize that this is what life and the Spirit should look like.
This is what it means to be in Christ, to be Spirit-filled. And by the way, these are commands here. They are not just suggestions.
They're not just requests. This is how we're to live as believers in our homes. So let's look at these commands in these four verses. First of all, children obey. That's a pretty clear word. In the Greek, it's a compound word that means not just to listen, but listen under.
You put yourself under. It's a response to a command. It's not just here, but heed. So children, obey. Children, obey your parents.
This command is to be lived out in the home, in the family, in the context of the family. And you are to obey your parents in the Lord. Sometimes I think we want to kind of twist that and say, okay, children, obey parents that are in the Lord that are Christian. No, this is children, you obey because you are in the Lord. It is when we are in Christ that we live out these commands properly because of the Spirit of God within us. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. Being in the Lord, being in Christ is the ground for all Christian behavior. And so we are to obey our parents because we are in Christ. And that's how a Spirit-filled person, a person who is in Christ and in whom Christ lives, this is how you are to live. So children, obey your parents in the Lord.
This is right. It's right because it's natural, natural in the sense that this is how God created it to be. This is how it's to be ordered. It's built into creation as a part of God's order.
We even see it in the animal kingdom, you know, the offspring of animals being taught and trained and encouraged, sometimes kind of boxed around by their parents. But this is the natural way. This is the way it ought to be. This is how God created it to be.
It's part of his design. It's right because it bears the promise of God's blessing when we do it this way. It's right because it points to and reflects the relationship that we have with God between God the Father and us as his children. Bottom line, it's right because God says so. This is how it's supposed to be. And what he says is what is.
It's what's best. Just as a little aside here, even people in the secular world today recognize the value of God's order in the family, of having two parents in the home. Multiple sociological studies have demonstrated time and again that the importance of following that natural order of a two-parent home, how important and significant that is. Study after study has shown that one of the best indicators of a child having problems and getting into drugs and crime and academic failure, one of the best indicators is the absence of a father in the home. Children in that category are far more likely to be involved in drugs and crime and school dropouts and that kind of thing. The breakdown of the family life leads to brokenness everywhere. It affects all of life. But the promise of God to those who heed his command and who value and pursue his order is that when you do this, it may go well with you and you may live long in the land.
There's the promise of God. The next command then in verse 4 is to the fathers. Of course, both the father and the mother participate in the nurture and the discipline of children, but the primary responsibility is given to the father in the home. In the marriage relationship between the husband and wife, it is the father who is the head of the home. In the relationship to discipline and instruction of the children, it is the father who is the responsible one.
In Galatians, he says the same thing when he talks about how like the law was a tutor to bring us to Christ, the father has responsibility for determining the child's being tutored and when that's sufficient and completed, it's the father's responsibility, though both mother and father participate in that. So the command then is fathers do not provoke, but bring them up. A negative and a positive command. Don't provoke. Don't make angry.
Don't exasperate. The parallel passage in Colossians 3.21 uses a different word. ESV translates them both the same, provoke, but the word over in Colossians means don't stir them up. Don't stimulate them to anger and wrath. So you have really in the approach to discipline of children, there are kind of two extremes.
There's that one that Proverbs warms about, the one who spares the rod does what? Most of us know what Shakespeare said, but what Scripture says, the one who spares his rod hates his son. And then here he's talking about those who are on the other extreme, their discipline is harsh and cruel at times and it provokes children to anger and wrath and exasperates them. And so we have those two extremes, as some of our other teachers talk about the two ditches you can fall in, well in between this extreme of no discipline and harsh discipline, there's the biblical approach that we want to follow.
Lloyd-Jones says that the problem of discipline lies between these two limits. They're both found in Scripture and so we need to know that's where the parameters are. So fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I had never seen before, I studied this week, this verb that is used in bring up is the same word that Paul uses back in chapter 5 when he's talking about how husbands are to love their wives and he says this is how the Lord loves the church.
It's the same word, here it's translated bring up, over there it's translated nourishes. It has the idea of cherishing, part of the word has a meaning of stiffening, strengthening, and so we are to bring up our children in a way that is cherishing and building up and edifying and nourishing them. So bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Discipline has to do with learning.
The root of that is the same root where we get our word disciple. A disciple is one who is a learner and we're commanded by Christ to go and make disciples, to make learners, and so we want to make learners of our children. And with regard to the children, discipline is learning that molds their character, that enforces correct behavior. It includes the idea of disciplinary correction and so we are to discipline our children, bring them up in the discipline of the Lord and the instruction of the Lord. Discipline has to do with training and correct behavior. Instruction focuses more on knowledge and understanding and is leading toward self-discipline, self-control. The word that is translated instruction there is the word nuthesia.
It's the same word that we get, the word nuthetic counseling. It's that approach to learning that addresses the mind, the intellect, and works toward putting everything in place and in order. Discipline enforces correct behavior. Instruction has as its goal self-discipline, self-control.
One has more to do with external control, the other with developing that internal discipline self-control. So those are the commands and like so many commands in Scripture there are accompanying promises. Here the promise for the obedient child is a good life. He said that it may go well with you. That word well means something that is good. In fact, it's used in compound forms to speak of things like the good news, the euangelion, the evangelized. That first part of that word is the word that's used here to speak of it going well, going good with us. It will go well with the one who lives by God's ways.
Whether or not it seems like it's going well according to the world's standards, it is going well with those who are in God's will. This part of the promise is quoted from the Old Testament only in Deuteronomy. In Exodus it just says you'll live long in the land, but in Deuteronomy both parts of that promise are given as the law is given there. So the promise is for a good life and a long life. For Israel, long time in the land promised and given, a long time for Christians, applied by Paul to this matter of family. And I think it has more to do here with the matter of perseverance. We're not just talking about physically being somewhere. We're talking about a sustained lifestyle that is evident when we live according to God's ways.
Ultimately, of course, eternal life in the presence of the Lord is what will result from those who are filled with His Spirit and live according to His ways and His law. So let's spend a little time thinking about how this applies to us. I know that there's not time for us tonight to go through all that we could say about practical application and living out of disciplining your children, how you do it and instructing your children and what you train them in and all that. So hopefully we can just give some principles tonight that will be helpful in developing that for yourselves. And I also know that most of us here tonight are past the child-rearing years.
We've been there, done that, so to speak, and if we had to do over, we'd do some things differently. But our responsibility has not ended. We have responsibility, according to Scripture, not only for our children but for children's children. And Libby and I just had the privilege on Friday, I think it was Friday, I can't even remember where it was, Saturday yesterday, we were at our daughter's house and four generations of us, children's children's children, that kind of thing, we have responsibility on beyond just what we do before our children grow up and leave home. And so not only that, we also have responsibility within this family, the body of Christ, and we have a responsibility to see to it that we help guide and instruct those with young children, parents, and even if you've never had children, you can share the truth of God's Word in love with those who need to hear it.
And so there's responsibility for all of us. So when it comes to application for children, first thing I want to be reminded of and show our children is that obedience to parents is example for us by Jesus Christ himself. Jesus, at the age of 12, knew what his mission was and knew that it was his purpose to be about his father's business and to be in the father's house, and yet when his earthly parents came and said, what are you doing, you're supposed to be with us, he went with them.
And as far as we know, for the next 17 or so years, he simply was there in submission to his parents before he began his public ministry at the age of 30. And so we have Christ's example of submission to his parents in obedience to them. The parallel passage over in Colossians that speaks of children obeying a parent says, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. The only exceptions to obedience to a parent is when the parent requires you to stop worshiping God or to do something that violates his law, that causes you to sin. We are to not obey in those instances. But when we have to disobey one that is in authority over us because they require something that's in violation of God's ways, we must be sure that we never do it with an arrogant spirit, never looking on them as if, well, you fools, well, they may be if they're not in Christ, but we're not to have that kind of attitude and mindset toward others. Our greatest concern toward a parent should always be for their soul. And if they are unbelievers, we are to obey and when we have to disobey but in a spirit of submission to God's ways, recognizing that but for the grace of God, there go I.
It's only God's grace that prevents me from being in that same state. And so we need to realize that God's children, Christian children, ought to be the best children in the world. They should be a joy even to unbelieving parents. So children, obey. And adult children, recognize that God's command to us is not negated by adulthood or establishing in your own home. Yes, there is a time when you come out from under the authority of the head of that home, you establish your own home, but you're still to do the next part of it, honor thy father and mother. We're to always be obedient to that.
It's not conditional on the character of the parent. We could go into lots of illustrations from Scripture that show that God works through those he puts in authority. We're even told that the government that is so corrupt and evil at times is put there by God as his minister. And we need to recognize that we are submissive to the earthly authorities because we are under God's higher authority.
And this is the order that he has established. Now, this kind of submission requires self-control, which is the fruit of the Spirit. Being filled with the Spirit of God means that we can live like this.
It means that there is restraint and sober-mindedness, that we're not impulsive and reactionary, but we're living on the basis of who we are in Christ and who he is in us, filled with his Spirit. So what about parents? How do we apply this teaching to parents? We are to avoid provoking and exasperating our children.
And we could go into a lot of talk about how this happens. Let me point you to just some important principles, I think, here. The most important key in not exasperating and provoking our children is the matter of consistency.
Consistency. This requires, first of all, that the husband and the wife be one. That's the purpose of that coming together, of leaving father and mother, becoming one. And we need to be one in this matter of parenting. You need to sit down together and just hash it out and know what you're going to do and don't give your children the opportunity to play one against the other because you're both headed in the same direction with the same methods and know how you're going to put it into practice. There has to be a oneness in that relationship.
The husband and the wife have to be one. And you have to set parameters that you're willing to enforce. If you're not going to make the rules stand up, you're going to exasperate your child when you let the rules kind of go sometimes and not other times. And you hear the term nowadays about moving the goal posts. Well, you move the goal posts with your children and you really exasperate them.
You tempt them to rage and anger. It's sort of like the poor dog that's chained out in the yard with a good, long chain. But there's this stray nail sticking up out of his doghouse. And he's up on the doghouse and he jumps off and gets his chain caught on that nail. And he thinks he knows how far he can run. And he takes off and then he gets jerked back because the chain is shorter than he thought. And we do that with our children when we establish a rule and we let it go for a while and let them go past the barrier and move the fence a little bit.
And then all of a sudden we get sort of tired and cranky and irritable and we jerk them back. And they don't understand. We need to be clear about where the fences are. We need to not just make rules but have reasons for the rules, understand why they're there. And when we establish rules in our home, we need to establish them on the basis of biblical principle. It may be nothing more than this is wise, but we need to establish these rules and relate them to biblical truth. And as we share this with our children, we need to always make sure that they understand what the rules are, that it's clear, and that we point them to biblical truth when there's need for discipline.
Make sure also that the discipline is proportional. We must never humiliate our children. Discipline should most of the time be done in private with them, if at all possible never in public. Don't humiliate your child in discipline. God even had his people establish rules about things like a person being whipped, flogged in public.
There were a limit to the number of lashes and that sort of thing. So make sure that discipline is proportional to the offense. So don't provoke them, but bring them up, nourish them.
This is the instruction and discipline is to be of the Lord. And the focus needs to be more on spiritual than the temporal values, and the focus should be on the heart. Aim for the heart. Win the heart.
I want to read just kind of a summary of Martin Lloyd-Jones' comments and commentary on this section. Lloyd-Jones says, Our business is to try to win them, to try to show them the excellence and the reasonableness of what we are and what we believe. We must be very patient with them and bear with their difficulties, with real sympathy and love and understanding. Try to help them. If the children refuse and reject your efforts, show them that you are very sorry, that you are very grieved for their sakes, and that you feel they are missing something most precious. Discipline must always be exercised in love, and if you cannot exercise it in love, do not attempt it at all.
In that case, you need to deal with yourself first. The child is a life given to you by God, put into your care and charged by God in order that his soul may ultimately come to know him and to know the Lord Jesus Christ. That's the goal, salvation of their soul. So do not get drunk with wine, but be filled with the Spirit. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Children, obey your parents and the Lord. Fathers, don't provoke your children, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
An old hymn, how blessed such a house, it prospers well in peace and joy the parents dwell, and in their children's lives is shown how richly God can bless his own. Then here will I and mine stand a solemn promise make and say, though all the world forsake his word, I and my house will serve the Lord. Amen.
Let's pray. Father, we know that your way is best. We know that there is blessedness and happiness and joy in your ways, and we still allow the flesh to rise up. We sometimes discipline anger.
We sometimes are lax and allow defiance and disobedience to go unchecked. Father, in your ways there is unspeakable joy, and there is a promise of glory yet to come. Father, in His grace to live in the power of your Spirit as those who are in Christ and in whom Christ dwells, that you would be honored and glorified above all else. We ask in Jesus' name, amen.
