Well, today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly we'll be taking a humorous look at overcoming the challenges to marital intimacy.
Thanks for joining us, I'm John Fuller. That's right, John, and we're featuring a message from our dear friends Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife Barb. They're a very dynamic couple who speak all around the world to help marriages thrive. And today we're sharing a lighthearted workshop that they gave at a marriage event sponsored by Focus on the Family South Africa.
A lot of people won't even know about South Africa. We have an office there, yeah. And it does so, so very well. Gary and Barb are authors, broadcasters, and the co-founders of America's Family Coaches, coaching marriages for almost 40 years. Isn't that amazing? And they have two daughters and a dozen grandchildren. Oh my goodness, what a legacy. And if you've got children or grandchildren nearby, take note please. You might want to use your earbuds or listen later via our Focus app or podcast or watch on YouTube because we do have some sensitive content we'll be getting into.
Here now, Gary and Barb Rosberg on today's Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. How many of you are glad that God created sex? I just want to see your hands. Yeah. I mean, think about it.
He could have created cross-pollinization or something. So sex is a good thing. It was created for our pleasure. But what we need to learn how to do is redefine sex.
We need to learn to redefine sex. Barb, in Hebrews 13.4. Oh, I love the word of God. And He is for us.
He is for us. Do you know He made us in such a way where He wants us to have great relationships, a great marriage. And yes indeed, He wants us to really experience something great and wonderful in the bedroom behind those locked doors.
And if your mama didn't tell you, let me be the voice to tell you and to remind you that God is for you. He made us in such a way where this is a very, very good thing. In Hebrews, this is in the word, a lot of these husbands are going to become Bible students tonight.
In Hebrews 13.4, it says, marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure. So we're going to be talking about what do we need from each other in order to have great sex in a godly marriage. So Barb, one takeaway for women.
Okay. So coach the men. Women need what? What? We need affirmation.
Are you going to give me one takeaway tonight? Affirmation. Your wife needs to know that you still think, wow, she is beautiful.
Oh, I am telling you, it doesn't matter what age or what stage she is at. In fact, in fact, it is the other 23 and a half hours a day. It's the way you talk to her. It's the way you take the garbage out in the morning. It's the way you pick up your clothes off the floor.
It's the way you are carrying the laundry from the laundry room into the bedroom. It's the way you treat your wife the other 23 and a half hours a day. When you affirm her, when you build her up, when you say, honey, you are the best. You are beautiful.
Do you know what a great mother you are to our children? Affirmation. Affirmation. It's especially, especially important during that time of intimacy. Why? Because it keeps your wife to speak into her beautiful beauty. Remind her of how gorgeous she is to you both inside and outside.
Why? When you focus on her during times of intimacy, behind those bedroom doors that are locked, and if you don't have a key on it, you get a lot of you don't have a key on it, you get a lock right now tonight. But anyway, it keeps her present. It keeps her focused because there's so much that a wife has to do that sometimes she loves you, but she's thinking of that list. You know, the list of laundry, the list of cleaning the kitchen, the list of going to the grocery store, you know, the kids.
You mean we're on the list? And so, no, you don't want to be on the list, but you want to keep her focused. You want to keep her affirmed. You tell her when you're behind those locked doors how wonderful she is, and she will focus on you, and it will be wonderful.
In the book of Ephesians, it says a wife is to respect her husband, and a husband is to love his wife. You know, this issue of affirmation. A number of years ago, we were speaking and a man came up to me and he said, Gary, I'm addicted to pornography. I've had many sexual partners. I don't know how to connect. You know, you talk about affirmation and connect in intimacy.
I've never experienced that intimacy. Do you have a word for me? Do you have anything that will encourage me? And I said, I have an idea. Here's what I want you to do. The next time you're having sexual intimacy with your wife, I want you to open your eyes very gently. Now, don't go like that, okay?
Because if she senses it, it'll scare her to death, but just open your eyes. And he said, why would I do that? I said, because if you open your eyes and you look at your wife during physical intimacy, you will remain in the moment. There won't be comparison.
You won't be flash backing on pornography or something else. And he said, really? I said, yeah. So then we went back into the second part of the evening. We talked about spiritual intimacy. And the guy came up to me 45 minutes later at the end of the evening, he goes, it worked.
And it was December, you know, and it was cold and it was in North America. And I said, what did you do? He said, no, no, no, no, not sex, Gary, spiritual intimacy. I said, what do you mean?
Now listen to this. He said, he said, at the end of the evening, you told us to take each other's hands. And I said, yes, I did. And you said, now close your eyes. And I said, close your eyes. And I said, now we're going to pray together.
And we're going to coach you all in a moment on this. And so they prayed together. And he said, during the prayer, he said, I opened my eyes and I just started to look at my wife and she kind of opened her eyes and it was like, shut your eyes. You know, you know, wives are like the junior Holy Spirit, you know, and he said, no, no, no. And he looked at her while they were praying. And he said, you know what, Gary, we had spiritual intimacy for the first time in our marriage.
He said, I can't wait to go home. I said, okay, I got the rest of it. You see, when we are admiring, when we're connecting, we need to be in the moment. We need to be present. And guys, this isn't funny because it's hard because many of us as men, we are caught with all sorts of images. And Barb will talk about that momentarily. We've got all these images.
And what we need to do is to have a, to release those images so that we are connected and we are only committed to our wife. Barb, talk about takeaway number four. We're going to move around a little bit here and talk about this issue of connection, sweetheart, and just let these guys catch some vision. Well, they're probably confused on the numbering system that we just used, but I will go to that in my notes.
Okay. And, and gals, you know, Gary just made a real fast reference to something. I am going to give you a secret in the next few minutes that will deal with something within your husband that you had no idea you could do to your husband, where you can understand it doesn't matter what he is seeing or who he's seeing or what he might be thinking about as far as something from the past. I'm going to give you a secret that is guaranteed to absolutely redefined and give you power in your marriage relationship.
So don't you be leaving early because this is life changing. So on this it says a wife has a need, and by the way, this is all based from the book, the five sex needs of men and women. And so women told us that if you want to have great sex in a godly marriage, you've got to have connection. Now what's that mean? It's the end of the day. We call it between four and seven p.m. in America.
This is when kids are getting out of school. This is when husbands and wives are getting home from work. This is when we're thinking about making dinner. There's so much to be done.
And so we call this the valley of the shadow of death for every woman. And for that woman we have got a list, and it's this list that we have made that has probably got 200 items on it that we want to do by the end of the day. And it's everything from laundry to washing the dog to making sure there's food as I said earlier. Your husband, that gorgeous man that you're married to, walks in the back door and he says, baby, your handsome dog is home. And then he gives you a kiss.
That's my life. He gives you a kiss. The kind of kiss that you're going, oh no.
He's number 201 on my list. Your husband has just entered the take zone. Guys, what do we need? We can relieve your stress.
You save your comments for your time of the talk, you good looking dog. What a man can do. I think I'll sit down here for a moment. What a real man can do.
No, come on up here, honey. What a man can do is he can come home and he can survey the home and he can go, my wife has got a list. And so what he can do is he can take part of that list that she's got laying on that kitchen counter and he can look at that list all over her shoulder and he goes, oh, vacuum cleaning. That's sexy. So this is when a man gets the vacuum cleaner out. Are you with me?
Anything that has got a plug into it and is plugged into the wall and he vacuums the carpet. A woman will have her attention on her husband and he will never have looked so sexy in his life because he's lifting her load of that list. This is sick. Let me put it this way. Let me tell every man in this room the secret. If the list is done and it's out of her hat.
I need those for Durbin. Oh, here, lean on me. I'll do your talking.
Okay. You know what? If he lifts the load, now this is heavy on her heart. This is like crashing into her brains.
This is emotionally draining, draining, draining her. Guys, you knock off a couple of things on that list and you have just lightened her load. And honestly, she can focus on you behind the locked doors because that list is done. Or this hero of a man that walked in the back door wanted to do one or two or three things on that list. Oh, be still my beating heart.
So if you want a focused wife, a connected wife, if you want a wife that has got eyes for only you, ears for your words, who is fully wanting to give herself to you behind those locked doors, then pay attention to her list and lighten her load. Okay, Barb, give them this one about non-sexual touch. Okay. This is one that... Because I don't get it. This is out of the book, folks. It's out of the books. We ask women what it meant in order to have a great sex life and a godly marriage. And women came back and said, non-sexual touch.
And Gary goes, uh-uh, it's not in there. I said, yes, it is. Now, let me just ask you to do something right now. Now, that's foreplay, right? Men, men, no.
Now, I'm going to be getting to you in just a minute. It is not foreplay. It may have a tone of arousal around it.
Yeah. But gals, gals, gals, take... Put your hands on your husband's shoulders and just rub his shoulders. He may not know what non-sexual touch is. So let's just show him... What's the point? ...our definition of what non-sexual touch is.
It may have a tone of arousal around it, but it is intimacy in and of itself. Gentlemen, give your wife just a little neck massage right now. I heard a woman talking. Yes, I did.
I heard a squeal. Okay. Now, Barb, now here's the problem with this, guys. Stick with me. You're teachable men.
How many of you guys are teachable men? Okay. So you're saying, okay, okay, I start off.
I want to be a good husband. So I'm going to learn how to do non-sexual touch. You're minding your own business. You start doing... Where'd you go?
You start doing non-sexual touch, and all of a sudden you get aroused. I think I heard a yeah. Now what do you do, Barb? Okay. Okay. This is... How many of you remember Dr. Ruth?
This is Dr. Roo-Barb right here. I think I'm having a hot flash, and it has nothing to do with menopause. All right. What happened? Okay. I don't need to tell you what happens. Gals, this is what your husband is thinking.
I'm so looking at my page here. You need to answer a question, and the question is this. If you need to say no, you need to say when.
So here's the answer. No matter if your husband, he gives you the look, he gives you the touch, he's got the signal going on that's only your signal, and by the way, we don't want to see your signal. Okay. There's a guy in the fifth row kind of giving it to him. If your husband... If your husband... Brother's got something in his eye, I think.
He comes home, he gives the non-sexual touch, and anyway, you can fill in the blank. So anyway, answer the question. I'm thinking, I had the worst day at work. I am absolutely drained. I have gotten... Okay.
Women are going to understand this little dialogue right now. I have got nothing inside of me emotionally, and don't make any comment. And so, you know, it's not about... And I'm thinking to myself, it's not about you, Gary.
It feels like it. It's not about you. He's feeling like it's rejection because what I want to say as a wife is, no, you've got to be kidding. I haven't done my list. I am exhausted.
The kids are in the other room. What are you thinking? You know, and the grandkids. Anyway, when you have to say no to your husband, and there are times when you really have to say no. Say when.
Say when. You know, for instance, if you say, I'm tired and I really had a rough time with my boss today, but baby at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning, or at 6.30 tomorrow morning, once we get up in the morning, the kids aren't around. Give your husband a time of day because then he knows somebody else is thinking about sexual intimacy in our marriage. And it is a very strong physiologically... And Gary can talk about this because every man has a rhythm. And I know you'd like to talk about it.
So let me hit a takeaway here. It's the issue of responsiveness. Now, guys, every man in this room, if you're married, I hope you're married because we're talking about this, but you desire for your wife to be responsive. How many guys agree with that? That when your wife is responsive... Now, when she's not responsive, you know what, then you feel rejected.
Now, here's the scoop. Every guy in this room has rhythm. Now, I haven't seen you dance and just looking at you, that would be a little frightening, but every man in this room has rhythm. You're in every 48-hour guy, every 72-hour guy, some of you are a once a week guy, that you have a sexual rhythm. I was doing a men's event one time and I said, some of you are probably a once a year guy.
And there was a guy in the back row going, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, you're a once a year guy? Yes, yes, yes.
I said, why are you so happy? Because tonight's the night. Yeah. See, we just all have a rhythm. We all have a rhythm.
Yeah. And so when a man initiates with his wife, don't move over there, Barb. So when a man initiates with his wife and he desires to be intimate with his bride, okay, and she rejects him, okay, then she really, that man then is frustrated because here's the scoop and I'm going to get serious with you here. When I married Barb Rosberg, Barb Rosberg became God's only provision in order to meet my physical needs in my marriage. When Barb married me, I became the only provision to meet the needs. Now, how many of you believe that in a covenant marriage? That when you got married, that's it, okay, that's it. And we instruct you to guard your heart. So 1 Corinthians 7, 5, here's what Paul says, and I love what he says.
This is awesome. He says, do not deprive one another, okay, except for a time with mutual consent. And the only time that you deprive one another is so that you can call your mother back. Do not deprive one another except with mutual consent for a time so that you can do the dishes or have the valley of the shadow. That's not what scripture says. Scripture says, do not deprive one another except with mutual consent for a time so you can devote yourselves to prayer. And then what Paul says, then come back together unless you too be tempted by Satan because of your lack of self-control.
Now, I don't have the time to break all this down, but I want to hit some highlights, all right. What scripture says is do not deprive one another. Now, that's a hard issue because when a husband is loving his wife effectively and she's safe and she's secure and he's a one-woman man and he's only got eyes for his wife, okay, that's what we want to challenge you to be, to guard your eyes, guard your heart, and to guard this marriage bed. And so when a husband is sold out for his wife and he initiates, then if she is saying, you know what, I need to hold off right now, that's okay. She can say no because there are times of illness, there are times of preoccupation, there are times with other things, and that's fine. But you need then, I think, to be able to say to your spouse, okay, but then we will come back together so we can experience this intimacy.
Now, Paul gives provision in 1 Corinthians 7-5. Here's what he says. He says, if you need to set aside for something more important than physical intimacy, and it's spiritual intimacy.
I love this. He said, there are times when you step away from sex because there's something more important, and that's connecting in that vertical relationship between you and Jesus Christ. But he says, it's got to be mutual consent. It's not control.
See, it's not a wife controlling a husband, it's not a husband controlling her wife, and it's only for a period of time. Then he says, then get back together, now get back together, get back together, because you're going to get tempted by Satan, he names him, because of your lack of self-control. That's awesome scripture right there. And you know what, and you know what, if we would look at that and say, hmm, that reframes what we're doing here. That reframes. Now, we did research, we researched 1200 people, and we asked them what they need to have great sex, because we believe God created sex, and I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of the enemy and the culture and Hollywood and the media and everything else telling me what great sex looks like in a godly marriage, because they don't know.
God created it. Amen? It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Now, some of you are going, it doesn't tell you a good thing, because there's hurt, there's disappointment, there's all sorts of different issues. You need to deal with those issues. But when you are loving one another and cherishing one another and committed to one another and wanting to learn how to connect with one another, and you initiate and you respond in a healthy biblical way, it's a good thing.
Initiation is another sex need that men have. I was speaking at a promise keeper's, and later that night, my son, Scott, and I, I don't call them son-in-laws, I say there's no in-law about it, you try to leave, you're dead. Okay, so I'm a little strong in this. But anyway, I saw Scott and I, we're having some ice cream, and a dad walks up with his young son, he was eight, nine, ten, his name was Ryan from Florida, and he said, I want my son to meet you, Gary. And I said, I'd love to meet him. And the young man looked at me, he said, Dr. Gary, he said, you know what I learned today?
I said, what? He said, you told all the men, including my dad, to guard his heart. And I said, yes, I did, son. He said, you know what me and my dad do, Gary?
I said, what do you do, Ryan? He said, when we're walking along and there's a store and I see some woman, she's not dressed right? I go, dad, under-dressed woman at nine o'clock, turn. Dad, under-dressed woman at two o'clock, turn. I mean, he's like a little, you know, vigilant kid, and he's out there, and I looked at the dad and he was grinning from ear to ear, because he had a boy that loved him, that knew that that dad needed to guard his eyes. And I pulled the dad aside and I said, when that boy turns 12, put a paper bag on his head, all right? You with me?
But you know what? What we need to do is to be intentional because we as men are visual. We are visual. That's how God wired us.
But God also wired us to exercise self-control and discipline. And we need to take the responsibility to do that, guys. It's a hard issue, women. It's hard for us as guys, but we need to step up to the plate in order to do that with great sense of honor of one another. Let's shift, Barb, to celebrating love spiritually.
And we want to just make sure that we highlight some of these issues, because this is important. Takeaway number one is what's the ultimate source of connection? It's a relationship of three, when a husband and a wife are walking with Jesus Christ and experiencing that intimacy. And, you know, I didn't grow up in a Christian home. And I met Barb on a blind date. She had just accepted Jesus. And a guy had just come to the place I was living, a fraternity house in Iowa, and told me about Jesus. And for five months, I tried to disprove the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Anybody else kind of like me? You're just, you know, it was like, I couldn't believe that God loved me that much that he sent his son to die for.
I just couldn't believe it. And so for five months, I studied and I rejected, and I would go to this guy's house, and I would pace his house. And then one night in 1973, I was dating this young gal. I had asked Barb to consider marriage. And she said, I could never marry you. I'm marrying a Christian man. And I thought, loser right here, you know, because I thought I'm not a Christian man.
But women, I want to tell you something. Barb had the courage to say no to me, because she loved somebody more than she loved me. And that was Jesus Christ. See, that's a godly woman.
And she's a brand new Christian, but she knew that she desired to have a Christian marriage. And so one night in 1973, I went and climbed on top of a big rock pile in a parking lot because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. You ever been there? You're just fed up with yourself. You're fed up with trying to fix it. You're fed up with trying to manipulate your way through life. And you're frustrated, and you're out of control. And I picked up a rock. In fact, I picked up this rock right here, 1973. And I remember hanging on to this thing.
And I just said, Dear Lord God, I don't know why you would send your son to die for me. I'm arrogant. I'm prideful.
I'm out every night getting hammered. I'm just I'm a mess. And I've met this cute little gal. And I want what she has. But I know it's going to cause me to surrender. And I don't want to surrender because I want to just control everything. But I am worn out.
Anybody ever been there? And I remember that night, I just said, If I receive you as my Lord and Savior tonight, I'm going to hang on to this rock, not as an idol, but just as a memory. And I'm showing it to you tonight. But if I reject you, I'm gonna throw this thing as hard and far as I can. I'll never forget as long as I look. And then I just bowed my head.
And here's what I said. Dear Lord God, I love you. I confess that I've broken your heart. I confess that I've sinned against you. Would you forgive me and become my Lord and Savior?
Come into my heart and make me the kind of man you want me to be. And I got all done. I went to a pay telephone. I called Barb. And I said, Meet me on the street.
I got to tell you something. She met me halfway. And remember, Barb, you looked at me. You said you just received Christ as your Savior. And I remember thinking, How does she know that?
I mean, it was just kind of it was strange. But you know what, folks, I've never looked back. Well, that's where we're gonna have to press the pause button on this powerful message from Dr. Gary Rosberg and his wife, Barb, and we'll hear at the conclusion of their presentation next time. Wow, John, I really appreciate the Rosbergs and their honest approach on this topic, which is very sensitive, but really good stuff. And for those of you who might be struggling in this area of your marriage, please get in touch with us and request a call back from one of our Caring Christian Counselors. We have an amazing team here that is ready and willing to provide a free consultation. It's what we do as ministry.
They'll listen to you, they'll pray with you, and suggest some next steps or maybe even some resources for you to look at. Take advantage of this from Focus on the Family. Our donors and supporters make this possible. Working together, we can not only save marriages, but help marriages thrive. And if you feel your marriage is hanging by a thread, please ask about our Hope Restored four-day intensives. Miracles are literally happening every day in our Hope Restored locations from coast to coast.
We actually survey all of the couples who attend, and after two years, over 80% say they are still married and doing well. We don't know of any other program that delivers such great results. The Lord is working through this Hope Restored program. Yeah, they're really powerful. Dina and I attended a Hope Restored session a number of years ago.
We pretty much use the principles we learned then every day. It really has helped. Give us a call if that is something you'd like to learn more about or if you want to connect with one of our counselors. Our number is 800, the letter A in the word family, 800-232-6459. And again, let me say thank you to the donors who make the resources available and possible for these marriages to get the help they need.
You're the rocket fuel for the jet engine in this Hope Restored program. If you've never donated to Focus on the Family, may I ask you to prayerfully consider it. The best way to help us is by making a monthly pledge. Jean and I support Focus that way.
John and Dina do it the same way. It doesn't have to be a large amount. It's that consistency, the 12 gifts a year, that really help us to put the budget together and make things work. When you make a pledge of any amount, we'd be happy to send you the book by the Rosbergs on this topic.
It's called The Five Sex Needs of Men and Women Discover the Secrets to Great Sex in a Godly Marriage. And if you can't make a monthly commitment right now, we get it. We'll send the book out to you for a one-time donation as well. Just get the book from us. That's the key. And when you do, we'll include a free audio download of this entire presentation from the Rosbergs.
Yeah, get the book and your free download when you follow the link in the episode notes. Or call for details. 800, the letter A, and the word family. Next time, we'll hear more from Gary and Barb Rosberg. Any one of us married more than a handful of years can tell you this, that life is full of seasons. There are times that we're building our careers. There are times we're building our families. There are times that we go through very, very hard times. But in every season, we have the power of Jesus Christ to take us through. And it is in those times that we are weakest.
He is made strongest. On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. If you would, please take just a minute or two and leave a rating for us in your podcast app to help kind of spread the word of this show and increase discoverability. That really will go a long way in growing the impact of this show. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time when we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. come together. To get started on your marriage assessment, visit MarriageStrengths.com. That's MarriageStrengths.com.
