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Give today by calling 800AFamily or go to focusonthefamily.com/slash family. I'm John Fuller and today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, we're going to explore something that hits a little bit close to home for both of us, Jim, and that is growing old. And to kind of set the stage here, we've got a few quotes. Here's one. Growing old is mandatory.
Growing up is optional. This is cutting a little close, but here's another one that I got to think about. But it says, do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. That's a good way to think of it.
How about aging is not about how many years have passed, but how much life you've embraced. I love that. And then a C.S. Lewis favorite: you are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. I think those are good thoughts.
And what a topic. We don't typically cover something like this, but man, it's important. You know, listeners are maybe in their 60s and maybe in their 70s, and we have lots of listeners in their 30s and 40s, too. But what do we do in managing older people? And how do we become more comfortable with them and honor them and their contribution?
I think today is going to be really eye-popping with our guest. Yeah, Isabel Tom is with us, and she's an author, speaker, podcast host, and describes herself as a retired granddaughter. And Isabel has written a book we're going to hear more about today, The Value of Wrinkles. A young person. A young perspective on how loving the old will change your life.
And we've got the book here at the ministry. Click the link in the show notes to get yours. Isabelle, welcome for the first time to Focus on the Family. Great to have you. Thank you.
I'm humbled to be here. I'm happy to be here. Let's go to the retired granddaughter comic. I've not heard that one before. How old do you have to be to retire as a granddaughter?
Well, my grandparents, when they passed, my grandmother, my mama, who's my paternal grandmother, she was the last living grandmother that passed. And so when she passed at 102, I said that I became a retired grandchild because that was so, such a big part of my life. 102? Those are good genes. Yes.
Hey, you also have special names. I thought this was. I mean, everybody, at least in my circles now, everybody's talking about what they want to be called as a grandparent or what they are actually called. As grandparents.
So, what were the names for your grandparents?
So, I lived with my paternal grandparents, and that was mama and ye-ye. And so, mama means paternal grandmother in Cantonese, so that's a Chinese dialect. And then Ye Ye means paternal grandfather. Oh, that's great. What about the other grandparents?
Well, if it was on your other side, on the maternal side, then you would say pa pa and gong gong. That's good. I like jipa. I'm sticking with you. You mentioned this one the other day, yeah.
G-Paw for grandpa. I like it.
So those names, those are a lot of fun. You seem to have a great connection with your grandparents. I understand you ended up working in senior care and hospice when you became an adult. Was it in part due to the affection you had for your grandparents? I mean, it's not typical of a young woman to be so into geriatrics.
No, so I didn't, I studied business in college, so I really didn't intend on doing this for my life or as a career. Actually, I graduated from college and my mom said, you need to get a job. And I got a job at a retirement community.
So that was just probably the only offer that I received. Let me ask you this. What drew you into that, though? Why would you go fill out an application there?
Well, when I was in college, I joined a nursing home ministry. And I went away to college. And I don't think I could have said why at the time, but I joined the nursing home ministry. And I think it was because I missed. My grandparents.
I missed, you know, I was with all these college students, and I think I started to wonder: where are all the old people?
So I went every week to go visit at a nursing home. And so that was something I was able to, I guess, write on my resume that I had for four years, visited a nursing home. you know, every week and was part of that ministry. Yeah, that's great.
So you got to see close up uh people aging. It seems that there's almost a fear of getting older. And here I am in my mid sixties thinking it's not that old. But talk about the cultural messaging and why people are afraid. For the next birthday, which is going to put them over whatever the number is.
Aaron Powell, well, I would say that people nowadays are afraid to turn 30. Or 40, and that's still considered young, right? And especially with the people that I've worked with, or a lot of older friends that I have, they're thinking 40 is not old. But you know, I think when you look at our society, you know, anytime you use the word anti, anti-means against, opposed to. I mean, you'll hear things like, I'll say, anti-Asian or anti-feminism.
Or anti-whatever, and it's a bad thing. But then, when you hear the word anti-aging, I mean, no one reacts strongly. There's no, nobody is offended, or at least they don't show it. Nobody flinches. In fact, I would say people flock because you look at the anti-aging industry and they make Billions and billions, probably over $60 billion a year from that industry.
Yeah, help your memory. I think, you know, word association with anti-aging, cream, tablet. You know, something's going to help your memory. I always love those commercials. It worked for me.
My memory's improved. Who knows if that's accurate? But, you know, God bless them if it helps. You defined old as bite my lip here, 65. You know, I'm a little bit under that line, but 65 does, to John's point, feels a little young.
Is today 65? Yesterday's 50?
Well, I mean, officially 65 is you're considered an older adult. That's just the number. The air is out of our balloon, Joe. When I was 49, Jim, I was getting AARP mailings.
Well, they started. I felt like wrong. I think I got my first one at 12.
Well, I just want to bring up a point, and maybe this is not something you should do when you're a guest on a show, but the way that you all are talking about aging is as if it's negative. And I think that's what happened in our society is it has led us to believe, like all of us to believe, that aging. And being older is a horrible thing. You know what's so interesting with all that? In your mind, and I've talked to people in their 80s and they say this, you don't feel that age in your head.
I mean, it's like your body is presenting something that you're not inside your mind. And I think that's really true for me. I still feel young at heart, I guess is the best way to say that.
Well, there are a lot of friends that I have met who are in their 90s, and the ideas that they have, I mean, is just as if if you just put a different face to it, it's the same types of things, hopes, and dreams that somebody who's in their 20s would have. Which leans me right into the next question. In the book, you had an example, and you befriended this person, this man who was 84 years old, but he started running marathons at 71. I don't seem to have that desire, but my goodness, 71 started to run marathons?
Well, so it was not his desire to. He went to the doctor at 58, I think, and his doctor said, You need to. Lose some weight. And I think he saw some runners outside and thought, I can do that. And so he started running, probably pretty slowly in the beginning.
And then in his 70s, he ran five marathons. And so that kind of, I remember I was working in the fitness center at a retirement community at that time. And when he had told me that, you know, we all have these thoughts where we say, I wish I could run a marathon one day. We all say that. But once I met him, I thought, hmm.
Maybe I can do that. Let's talk for a minute about some of the benefits older people can provide. You gave an example that they generally have more time for relationship. I think that's why grandchildren really connect with grandparents because they're not giving the vibe of being rushed. Grandparents have time and kids can feel that.
And then they feel close to their grandparents because they're talking and the grandparents are actually engaged with them. They're not running off to do something work-related or task.
So what do you think about that, though, in terms of the grandparent-grandchild relationship?
So I have three kids, and I still am like this all the time. I'm running around, and it doesn't matter whether I try to have intentional time with my kids. I think just the nature of this season of my life is I am busy. I'm running back and forth. I'm doing the dishes.
I'm trying to make sure permission slips are signed. And so I think that older adults and grandparents, they I say they offer an extra layer of love, attention, and availability for the younger generation. And I think in this society, everybody is in a frenzy, right? Everybody's always checking their phones. And to have somebody to give you their attention, I think we all want that.
And I think when we can tap into the time that older adults have, that's a huge gift. Yeah. You refer again to your grandmother as your go-to girlfriend. That's kind of fun. I mean, is she really that for you?
A go-to girlfriend?
Well, you know, I lived with her for the first 26 years of my life, and then she didn't pass till I was 35.
So I got married and moved out. And she had always been there, you know, she had just always been there just physically, a presence. And I found that even in my young adulthood, even after I got married, you know, if I wanted to talk to somebody or just not feel alone, I would call her and just say hi. And I didn't have to have an agenda to what I was saying. She was just always there and always happy to see me, always happy to hear from me.
Did you feel in those exchanges? Did she give you that wisdom that she had learned? And not in ways that might put you off, but very casually. You know, this is something I experienced when I was 20. You know, the funny thing is, no, I don't think so.
And a lot of people talk about wisdom, which I do think older adults provide. She was just there, and I felt like she was a nurturing presence to me. And I think the wisdom came more through example and through relationship. And I think that's the thing. It takes time to have a relationship, but she just always was there.
Wasn't, she never quoted verses to me or anything. But I just, I would say she was a reflection of Jesus to me. She delighted in my presence. There's the wisdom right there to do that, to be able to do that. You also mentioned the book about adopting grandparents.
You know, today's grandparenting is a lot of face time, right? Because you live on opposite coasts or different states at least or different cities, and it's hard to see each other physically. They're not living in their home. As you experienced with your grandmother. But what is this concept of adopting a grandparent and what does that look like?
Explain it to us.
Well, I think there are a lot of families who maybe they don't have grandparents living close by and they want to have that type of relationship. Adopting a grandparent is just, I would say, just increasing your awareness of the older people around you. And with, if you look at the statistics, the number of older adults that are around or that are in this population, it is rapidly increasing.
So all you have to do really is go to church. And look around. And there's going to be older church members. You step out of your door, and you are going to have older neighbors who have that time. Mr.
and Mrs. Coke, I believe, if I'm pronouncing that Cook. Tell us about them.
So I played field hockey in college. And being Asian, also, and because my parents were younger and worked, they weren't able to come to a lot of my field hockey games because we had to travel to these games.
So it would have required a lot of time for my parents. And so it's not like they didn't care, they just weren't able to come. But at every game, a lot of parents came, but I didn't have my parents there. But Mr. and Mrs.
Cook, they were older parents. I would say they had already retired by the time their daughter was in college. And so they came to every game, and Mr. Cook had a duck, what are those called? Whistle?
A duck whistle that he would blow at every game.
So I always knew he was there. And when they brought snacks for their daughter, They would bring tasty cakes for me too, and they pretty much adopted me as their, you know, their pseudo, their daughter. Or, you know, and that was just really meaningful to me. We had a, Isabel, we had an opportunity to take care of my mother-in-law when she was in her late 80s, early 90s. She moved in with us.
That was a really interesting time. That's a good word. What does that mean? Interesting. One of the things was my wife, there's a lot of work associated with caregiving, first.
And then, second, I just got to spend time hanging out with her. We'd watch reruns on TV, and I slowed it down to what I called Tata time. That was our nickname for her, Tata, because she didn't move fast. And I moved fast, so I had to slow down. Yeah.
But one of the things that we tried to do, and my wife was really good at this, was. um kind of meaningful touch.
So, talk about the importance of touch for those elderly that are around us, or perhaps even in our home.
Well, I think that just in general, the older generation doesn't get a lot of acknowledgement or attention, and they also don't get a lot of physical touch. You know, I know you've had Dr. Gary Chapman on here. He talks about the five love languages or created it, developed that concept. But as somebody gets older, you know, a lot of times the only physical touch they may receive is maybe that of somebody who's helping them, maybe an aide who is coming to help, maybe, you know, help them with their activities of daily living.
And so that's something that I realized when I was working with older adults how important it was.
So, you know, just a hug, and I think that's what grandchildren do. They can be affectionate and they, you know, they just give all the hugs and kisses to their grandparents and their grandparents just. Die over it. They're beaming when they get a hug from their grandchild.
So I think it's, you know, even if it's just a side hug or just a pat on the back, you know, especially with widows, a lot of older widows, they're not going to get the same type of touch. They may not be able to hold hands with somebody the way that they used to. And for me, I know, you know, when my kids were little, even now, when they feel sick, what do they do? They come to mommy for an embrace. Like, that is medicine.
Yeah. That's so good. I remember my boys, too. We used to do something Patty Watkins, my former assistant, worked with uh the staff here at focused to put Gift bags together for the elderly in retirement homes. And so my boys, they're probably like five and three.
And they would go and deliver bags to the elderly. And it was a lot of fun. I mean, there were a couple of scary moments where you have people. Patients with dementia or something, and the kids didn't quite know how to react to that. But by and large, I mean, those older people just loved on these little children, and they were walking in with a Christmas goodie for them.
So that's something that people can do too, right? Yeah, and can I actually point something out? You know, a lot of times when we do these, I would say, service projects for the older generation, I think one of the problems with that is that a lot of times we go in thinking that they're service projects. And I want to remind people that seniors are not service projects. They are not projects to fix or anything like that.
They're people that I think God has called us to love. And I think when we go in with this attitude that it's an honor for us to be able to be with them, and they have so many experiences to share, there's so much for them, for us to learn from them. I think that helps us show them that they matter. And I really believe that that is the message that older adults and And people who are becoming older adults really need to hear that they still matter. You know, one of the most jarring visits we had, there was a woman sitting on the edge of her bed.
She was. dressed impeccably. And we sat with her and she said, You know, my kids put me in here a couple of years ago. They rarely come to see me.
So I was so excited when I heard that you guys were coming. And I guess that's the bout of loneliness that you might have. And I think culturally, Boy for families to rethink parking grandma or grandpa. in a home and then you don't go see them. I can't imagine a greater feeling of loneliness than to experience that.
Well, I think even if you have, if an older person has family, a family that loves them, there is still an extreme sense of loneliness. And why is that? Because as someone ages, their social circle shrinks. You know, you think about the coaches, the Sunday school teachers, all, you know, your older siblings, your parents who encouraged you when you were younger. And with time, they are all going to pass as well.
And so as somebody gets older, it is even more important, I would say, for us to Provide some human connection to bless an older person with just presence, with relationship. Yeah, that's so good.
So good. In fact, a beautiful story you had in the book was about ushering your grandmother into heaven. Yeah. Describe that and the importance of what she experienced.
Well, you know, when I was in my 20s, I was attending a lot of send-offs for my friends who were transitioning to different jobs, grad school, whatever. And I remember having this moment. I had gone to all these different send-off parties, and I remember having this moment where I thought about my grandparents, my mama and yeah, yeah. And then I thought about all the older people that I was working with, and I thought, who's gonna give them a send-off? And God kind of convicted me and helped me see that, you know.
Older adults are not burdens. Actually, in fact, God had given me this assignment, this divine assignment, this noble task to walk my grandparents to the gate of heaven. And so instead of just letting them pass, even when somebody's at the end of life or on hospice care, I think there's so much that we can do to remind, you know, to remind my mama and Yaye, to remind other adults, older adults, that they matter.
So for my grandma, you know, we all rallied around her, and I would say we spoiled her to the end. Up and, you know, even the very last day that she passed, she had her great-grandchildren writing her cards. I mean, I sat with her and just held her hand. And you know what? I think that that's the way that it should be.
And I think that that is actually what God calls us to. And there are nursing homes and assisted livings and older adults everywhere.
So instead of trying to go for a missions trip or bringing our kids to homeless shelters, I think, what if we just went and found older adults in our communities and just loved them the way that Jesus did? He walked with people to the very end. It says that in John 13:1, he walked with his disciples to the very end. And I think that is one of the best ways to minister to our older generation. You know, Asian culture, I experienced that I'd studied in Japan at Waseda University.
You know, again, this is in Japan, a Shinto religion. that sometimes as Christians we don't understand, but they had a beautiful way of taking care of the elderly. You've expressed that a couple of times. Describe those differences East and West because I know what you're talking of. But there is an honoring of the elderly, much more so in Asia.
Yeah, a lot of people always ask me about that, and they say, well, Asian families, they just care for their elders so well. And I think that really comes from, you know, my parents never told me to honor my grandparents. They never actually stated that to me. But what they did was model it. You know, even when my grandparents moved, actually, they lived with us before I was born.
And we lived on the top floor. My grandparents were on the left side. I had a room right next to them. And then there was a restroom right there. I never noticed it until I was an adult that my parents didn't have us use that bathroom.
They reserved it for my grandparents from the very beginning. I went down two floors to use the bathroom to brush my teeth and everything. I never noticed a difference until I was an adult. And I realized that they intentionally. allowed that reserved that bathroom for my grandparents as a sign of respect.
And it's all these little things that they do that is just modeling. And so I think, you know, a lot of parents ask me, how do I teach my kids to appreciate their grandparents or value the elderly? I think there are, I have a whole lot of different ideas, but I think what it comes down to is model it. You know, you honor your parents and they will see that. If they hear me talking badly about my mother or my mother-in-law, then they're going to hear it too.
And they're just going to follow along. And if we want, if I want to be cared for when I'm older, then what I need to do is be an example. Yeah, that's so good.
You know, right at the end here, let's end with this. You reflected on your own life about getting older yourself. That's good. We're all looking at that. But you kind of, which I think is really healthy, you're kind of setting the runway lights for that.
Now, you're really young compared to John and I. Our runway lights might be just three feet long here, but the idea is to continue to learn, continue to grow as a human being, continue to do great, godly things, and speak to that to give. older people a purpose. That's what it really is suggesting.
Well, I call it the three G's, and it's just something I came up with myself. But we're always encouraged to talk about gratitude. List what you're thankful for. I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for this.
And that's supposed to help us to be grateful for where we are. But I say, in addition to reflecting on gratitude, to also focus on growth. And maybe every birthday, or when you're not feeling satisfied, to think, How have I grown this year? And when we think about it, there are a lot of ways that we have grown and that make us realize that, hmm, I think I'm glad that I'm older now because at 15, 16, I didn't know how to do this. You know, I learned how to skateboard right before I turned 40.
And I did not know how to do that at 15. And there are a lot of different things that we can learn, and the more time we have, the more time that we You know, God has given us to learn. And the last G is grief, because the reality of it is that there are things that we grieve in life. And I think for older people, that is a part of life that is hard. And so to acknowledge that and say, you know, I lost my sister this year, or I lost my dad this year, or it's harder to, you know, I'm not as mobile as I used to be.
Just to acknowledge those things, I think, is very healthy. You know, I do this from time to time. I just have one more thought, and that is, when we get older, we can become bitter or joyful. And you see that in people. It's like a predetermined thing.
How can you encourage, particularly Christians, to end well, to end with joy, not to be bitter about the bad knees, the bad hips, the body parts that don't function? How do we focus on the right things.
Well, I think in this culture, we, and just naturally as a human, we look at the outward, right? Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. And I think we really need to focus on. And try to see what God is doing in us. And I think that's why, as we get older, I mean, I'm not going to speak for God, but I think that's why he slows us down because he wants us to reflect and see.
And I think a lot of growth actually happens at the end of life because that's when we start to see things from a completely different perspective. Boy, that's good. And I think it's so true. It's well said. Isabel, this has been delightful, kind of a insightful conversation, John, for you and I.
I'm sure many of our listeners, but what a great book that you've written here: The Value of Wrinkles, A Young Perspective on How Loving the Old Will Change Your Life. Great input, great content. Thanks for being with us. Oh, thank you so much. And let me encourage you to get a copy of Isabel's great book.
And you can do that by making a gift of any amount, $5, $10, and we'll send it to you as our way of saying thank you for being involved in the ministry here. You know, every year people contact us for practical help and spiritual. Encouragement, and we do survey work every year. And over the last 12 months alone, more than 830,000 families were helped by Focus on the Family to stand up for the dignity and value of those who cannot speak for themselves, whether it's the pre-born or the elderly. And I'm very proud that we have equipped families to do that.
Of course, Isabel's work also adds to that and gives us another great resource to provide people that are either working with their elderly grandparents or parents and how to do that with dignity. Yeah, donate today, connect with the counselor, find helpful resources like this book, The Value of Wrinkles. All the links and information are in the show notes. And coming up tomorrow, we have another best of 2025 episode for you. This time with British evangelist Jay John about why it's important to share the gospel whenever you can.
I mean, I'm so grateful that the first Christian I ever met, the first Christian I ever met. I became a Christian. The first person to speak to me are Jesus and I come to Christ. I mean, what if he hadn't told me? Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Jesus Christ is the ultimate source of truth. As we celebrate his birth this Christmas, I hope you'll be inspired to share God's truth with grace and love. Become better equipped by listening to my podcast, Refocus with Jim Daly from Focus on the Family. Every episode, I talk to fascinating guests about important cultural issues and how we can reach people for Christ and share his joy.
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