Fathering for a Lifetime

MUSIC Thanks for joining us this week for Family Policy Matters. We all know fathers play an important role in their children's spiritual growth.

Like many things, that can be easier said than done. Today, we're pleased to be joined by a man who has dedicated his life to helping fathers take the lead in their children's spiritual growth. Dr. Ken Canfield is the founder of the National Center for Fathering and the National Association for Grandparenting. Dr. Ken Canfield, welcome to Family Policy Matters. Good to be with you, Tracey. I'm delighted to talk on a subject that is dear to every family and, most importantly, every dad.

I agree. So, we are seeing an increasing number and variety of men who are describing fathering as a spiritual experience, even if they themselves are not especially spiritual. So, why do you think that's important? Well, it's the wonder of birth. And I think that, as we consider just the privilege of becoming a father and not having to carry, thankfully, this child in our womb, when that child comes up, it kicks into gear what I call the generational clock. For moms, they know about the biological clock and the care and the nurture and those years following birth are so important. But for dads, it's this legacy clock. It starts to kick in and it's profound and powerful. Some call it the magical moment.

I call it the eighth wonder of the world. What do you know about the practical difference a mother's spirituality has on her children versus that of the father? And vice versa.

So, teaming together, not pitting against each other, is what we need to do. For dads, you're instrumental. That drive, that passion, you know, dads tend to push kids out into the world at the right time. Now, that's important because that involves taking steps of faith and risk and so forth. That doesn't mean you have to be risky to be a dad, but it gets into the faith formation and how you perceive God as your father. And when you start to play that out in an authentic, vulnerable way, I think you'll believe the truth that like father, like child, they will imitate, they will follow.

And so your connection to a heavenly father and unprocessing, you know, some of those maybe painful things of the past is one of the best things you can do in building that spiritual foundation. Oh, I think a father stands in what I'd say a premier role. There are unique things that dads should be doing. This notion of blessing, encouraging, giving guidance and discipline, setting structure that are going to be safety boundaries.

That's all important. Now, that's not to say a mother can't because mother-only families have predominated in many parts of the world, not because, you know, kids grow up and say, I want to be fatherless. It's just dads weren't around. But when dads engage, I think this is something that can bring a whole host of positive benefits, like increased self-esteem awareness management. And this notion of having that blessing where you're imparting something that you see as a dad into your children, your grandchildren.

I mean, that's distinct. And again, we do this together as a part of the mother-father team. But dads, I think the initiative to do this in bold sorts of ways, rest with you. God has disclosed himself in fatherly terms, not to say God is, you know, male or female.

He's genderless. But what is important is that you stand as an image bearer. And when you bless your children, when you give them guidance, when you nurture and affirm them for behaviors or successes, that builds the resiliency and self-esteem, which is necessary.

We know as you maneuver through life. Does this look different in the relationship between a father and daughter and a father and son, do you think? The research says this men tend to default to fathering sons spending more time with them than daughters.

But we have got to look at the research and say, hey, we don't need to follow this trend. We need to do boldly what God's calling us to do. I can tell you this as a father of three daughters and nine granddaughters, you nurture your daughters. They're going to make sure you are taking well care of when you mature in age. Notwithstanding sons, of course, are very important. There is enough fathering in your heart to father daughters and sons in some ways equally, as far as your passion and commitment, for sure.

But there are nuances as you go through the life cycle that you need to be attuned to. And so to that extent, I do believe that the dignity and the grace that we can endow daughters with, it comes to add through your blessing and encouragement and affirmation. And quite close to that, the courageous boldness that you want to see imparted, that too can come from a dad to a daughter as well as a dad to a son. And dads know there are no perfect fathers except one. And I do believe that as we face difficulties to the extent that you can disclose maybe challenges you have appropriate to your child's age, that's going to be a benefit to them. That failure is a part of life. It's not if you fail as a dad, it's what you do after you fail. And so are there specific things? I think the whole nurture of the spiritual disciplines of the way we go about life, our commitment to prayer, our duty and following through as the clan leader to care for, to protect, to wisely employ the rudiments and the basics of scripture, be they proverbs or prayer.

Or parables or any number of things. And when dad takes on what I believe is a teaching role in modeling, it doesn't get any better. So I hear you and I have two children who are in their 30s now. So is it too late? If I'm listening to you and I'm a grandparent, is it too late for us to instill some of this in our grown children?

No, I'm so glad you asked that question. It's never too late to engage. In fact, grandparenting is like your second opportunity. And I don't know any child that has a parent, let's say a dad in this case, who comes to them realizing now he's a grandfather, grandparent, and says to the parent of your grandchildren, hey, if I did things over again, I would probably do some things different. And I want you to know, if I've hurt you in any ways in the past, I would ask humbly for your freedom and forgiving me. But I want you to know this, I want to be the best grandparent I possibly can.

And I'm on your team. And when a child hears that, let's say your adult child, they're going to be softened and they know you made mistakes. But when they hear that you want to be a team member and seek to be the best grandparent, what you're saying is, there are things that can change. There are opportunities to grow even as you mature in age.

And these can be the best of years. What you're doing is bonding generations. And if you do it in sync with your children, that legacy is one that will not be forgotten. Talk about some of the practical ways that fathers can start to build that spiritual connection with their kids. Practically doing a mission strip with your kids, I tell you, that'll open everybody's eyes and put you in a common place. The second thing is, take them through a passage of Scripture.

Be always ready to respond to them with some sort of spiritual insight. It doesn't mean you have to have a degree from seminary or Bible college. Isn't it fascinating how God chose as his cohort of leaders, the disciples, people that were in some ways unschooled. They were normal, they were simple, and they applied the principles of godly life and they talked about them. And when Jesus began to teach them much more lofty truths, he uses the daily life of caring for a vineyard, taking care of a lost coin or a lost child. And so that gets into this vulnerability and openness that can be easily done if you are humble in heart, as he was humble in heart. So I think those are just a few things, notwithstanding attending as you're able, you know, fellowship with others, worship in the home, oh my goodness, just the inclusion of music and laughter and those things that are critical to extolling God himself.

It says the Lord inhabits the praises of his people. And when we can do that in a home, we see not only your fathering, but the heavenly fathering show up in a big way. One of the other things you mentioned is gratitude. You talk about that as being one of the critical virtues in this work of spiritual growth between fathers and children.

What do you mean by that? The gratitude is, it's tough. And I just want to say for anybody that's raising a special needs child or grandchild, I tell you, I get to heaven before you, I'm going to nominate you for the heavenly Congressional Medal of Honor. I'm saying that because the heavy lifting that that requires, the time spent is so important. So how does gratitude and thankfulness fit into that?

You talk to anybody who's caring for some child in that situation, and they will tell you it's hard, it's overwhelming. But if I had to do it over again, I still do this and recognize this is a common grace. Suffering, unfortunately, is one of the things we have to face. So with gratitude, what you can do is look at any situation and pick out something that you can be thankful and grateful for, meaning that there's going to be a dour difficult task ahead of you. It's just having the attitude that helps you understand and moderate emotions and feelings. And when you can communicate appreciation, when you show appreciation for those around you and can think in words, and perhaps gifts or mementos, ways to show gratitude for one another. That again, helps to build a firm foundation to move forward through life that is full of challenges and suffering. What a great note to end on.

Well, we are just about out of time for this week. Dr. Ken Canfield, where can our listeners go to learn more about this important topic? If you're a dad, you go to fathers.com and sign up and we summarize weekly tidbits of research insights and practical tips of a whole warehouse of material at fathers.com. If you're a grandparent, go to grandkidsmatter.org and you'll find there another resource with deep richness, not only based in research, but ideas that are practical, being that you're a grandparent and you want to be the best you can be.

Great. Well, Dr. Ken Canfield, author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers, thank you so much for being with us today on Family Policy Matters. You've been listening to Family Policy Matters. We hope you enjoyed the program and plan to tune in again next week. To listen to this show online and to learn more about NC Family's work to inform, encourage and inspire families across North Carolina, go to our website at ncfamily.org. That's ncfamily.org. Thanks again for listening and may God bless you and your family.